Bachelorette episode 5 recap - this show stinks like fish

We start with a drone view of the Virgin cruise ship as they sail off to Bruges, we get an image of Gabby licking a cone and Erich taking a shower. Rachel acting as if we all didn't see last week "I am really confident in the guys I have here, they step up for me when I ask…"

On the floating couch of destiny the guys await the group date card -  "How sweet it is to be loved by you" - Logan says "Normally it's good to see your name on the date card, but I have mixed feelings" Ethan completely misunderstanding what Logan is saying thinks Logan means he wanted the one on one. Logan goes to tell Rachel that he wants to leave her 'team' and go to Gabby "It's been hard for me to forget that connection." Logan tells Rachel "I still have reservations and feelings for Gabby…I cannot go today and I am going to have to step away from pursuing you." Rachel says "you accepted so many roses when you didn't even want to spend time."

Logan tries to soften the blow by complimenting Rachel whose hand he is holding like a soft-vice (can that be a thing?) and she tells him "you don't have to keep going." Off to Rachel's ITM, "everyone is leaving me…something is obviously wrong with me, I don't know." So we get the inevitable "I don't want to do this anymore."

 GROUP DATE:

The guys are roaming around Bruges telling us how excited they are to see Rachel (including seeing men wrestling in chocolate)

while Rachel is in her suite crying – my digital friend (that sounds like she is fake) T is going to be even more ticked at her after this level of breakdown. I am starting to wonder if Rachel has never had bad dating experiences (ignoring the Clayton season since that was not real life) one guy leaves her with 6 other guys there and she is going to pout and leave 5 guys waiting for her on a group date? Nah sis, this aint it. Logan can be a bad person and treat you badly (not sure I 100% agree with that take) and you still can treat the others with respect. 

Extrapolate this to your real life, someone told you they wanted to hang out with you in a city you spend all day waiting for them and then they send a note with someone (Jesse) to tell you, I am not feeling it, see you later tonight WOULD YOU KEEP DATING THEM? Keep in mind this is someone you barely know and you are competing with others for their affection.

Logan goes to knock on Gabby's door who has to pretend she was not prepared for a visitor. Gabby admits that Logan "was pretty much our only overlap" this gives Logan hope. Gabby wants to check with Rachel "It's not you I just always, always want to put my friends first." As Logan tells us he is currently in no man's land he is packing his suitcase with his clothes all clearly on hangers to the point that hangers are sticking out of the suitcase. 

Gabby talks to Rachel and is shocked to find out that Rachel did not go on her group date – because it is a terrible move!

Rachel sort of gives Gabby the green light to hang with Logan.

Night time:

The guys are wondering where Logan is. Rachel shows up to the guys "it is just tough, the constant rejection" "if anyone wants to leave, let me know now."

Ethan smartly pulls Rachel first since all you will need to say is the most basic of "I am here for you" and you are earning a rose.

Tino gets the special champagne couch treatment he tells Rachel "today hurt a little bit, it made me feel a little unseen" – now while this might be true, this dude is absolutely taking all power from this vulnerable woman and knows exactly what he is saying. 

All of the guys know the formula, tell Rachel you feel for her and feel bad about what she went through and I think they all got a kiss. By the end of the night Rachel is beaming. Tino gets the date rose and it is obvious that Rachel likes him, she just needs an excuse for why he gets it.

Next Day:

Logan stares out from a deck while Gabby's guys go on a group date. Gabby's outfit looks like she is planning to go on stage and dance.

Gabby really, really really likes whipped cream. 

The guys play football against some kids that are conveniently chill with playing 6 grown men and having those men pick them up and run with them.

The men then play "a Belgian game" that is rock, paper, scissors but the loser is smacked in the face with a dead fish.

 Night Time:

The original group is shocked by Logan's sudden appearance "How is everybody?" silence. Logan tells the guys that he is moving in and the guys are clearly not happy. Gabby breezes in, in a very sparkly, very short dress the contrast of her outfits with Rachel's is vast.

Mario is first he tells Gabby that though she brought in Logan "I am all in."

Nate "just know you have my support." After some outside the franchise news dropped about Nate this really just seems like his move. 

Nate gets the group rose while Erich tells us in an ITM that he may not want to stick around for 8 more weeks to find out that he is not the one. 

RACHEL 1 v 1 DATE:

Aven "I have been looking forward to this one on one date for awhile…and just to reassure her that I am here for her only."

Rachel "we are just exploring Bruges and it is just one of the most romantic places I have been to"

methinks Rachel was not that worried about killing the group date when she knew there was a backup plan that would still have her experiencing the city. They just happen upon people with a wedding veil available for trying on and getting a kiss.

 Evening:

Aven gets the date rose, his trauma dump was about his parents separating.

 GABBY 1 v 1:

Johnny gets to twirl Gabby and her mom jeans on the greeting.

"He is too cool for school and normally I would hate that" but add a TV camera and I am okay with it?  The couple go beer tasting "Gabby is hands down the coolest girlfriend I have ever had, she took me to Belgium" you do understand how this show works right? Then there is a beer spa …there is a beer bath that they both taste…uhmm WHAT? They are both soaking in the beer bath AND DRINKING IT all of the ancestors know this answer "this is some white people mess." There is some spanking

 Evening:

Johnny says his last relationship ended "when I started to be myself and she disappeared on me." Johnny gets the date card, it was nothing special.

 COCKTAIL CEREMONY:

To make sure the tension is built we get Rachel's side sitting on the couch of destiny first waiting for Gabby's guys and they are waiting to see if Logan arrives. My brain still has not been beaten into submission to ignore the voices and vocal lilts of the women, I am not sure I could have stomached a full season of just one.

Gabby gives Nate "some Belgian chocolate for your daughter" and Nate appears to be overcome with emotion.

As the men are all having great moments with Gabby we get a Logan ITM saying "I don't want to lose this" and pointing out that if he stays some other guy who has built up time with Gabby has to leave.

Logan gets his time with Gabby and brings out some fish because he was disappointed "that I didn't get to go on the group date" he has to lose the rock, paper, scissors game so that Gabby can repeatedly smack him with a fish, which earns him multiple kisses. I am hoping they paused to wipe this dude down before the make out.

We see none of Rachel's time during the cocktail party.

 ROSE CEREMONY:

Gabby	Rachel	Gabby has 4 roses, Rachel has 3
Jason	Zach	While the men who already had roses were speculating, "no way it is Zach first, it is going to be Tyler."
Spencer	Tyler
Erich	Ethan	Rachel's final Rose has Meatball and Ethan shaking as Ethan's name is called he says to Meatball "I love you bro."
Logan		Gabby's final rose is down to Michael, Mario and Logan – 2 black men and an interloper so you probably can guess where I predicted it would go to and you know I was right!

 

Mario looks like he is going to cry while Michael is in shock – "One of them got the first impression rose yet she chose me" Logan is feeling himself now.

 The group is off to Amsterdam.

The Bachelorette episode 4 - love is taking a punch to the face

We restart with Meatball just back in the house with no explanation given. Hayden is getting the side eye from some of the men. Hayden is now claiming that Gabby is the one who first used "rough around the edges."

Then Hayden goes further "well bitch maybe you shouldn't use that word to describe yourself then." - "I don't want to settle." Hayden compares the women unfavorably to his ex. 

Meatball like the rest of us just cannot believe this lump of mediocrity is fixing his mouth to just say anything he feels like. 

Jesse comes in to tell the men that the women have flown off to France and 2 of the men will get a chance for a date in Paris. Gabby picks Jason and Rachel picks Tino for their dates. Then the usual lie from Jesse "rest of you go pack your bags wheels up in an hour" why do we pretend? We all know it is going to be at least 6 hours to get that whole house out of there.

 PARIS:

I BLOODY LOVE THAT CITY - I cannot afford it but oh do I love it. The women are in a beautiful city discussing Rachel's rejection by 3 men "it has been a challenge for Gabby and I having our insecurities drawn out as being compared to each other" girl the show set you up. Gabby and Rachel are not great actresses, when they are tasked to pretend that they do not know something is happening they tend to stare straight at the camera.

Jesse greets the men at La Havre to taunt the men with the fact that they are close to Paris but they are NOT going there, instead they are jumping on a cruise ship.

I hope they gave the men motion sickness meds. Jesse also shows off some French.

The men have been separated into Team Gabby and Team Rachel and they will have different portions of the ship to hang out on. Some insults to the classic mansion "this is way better than the mansion."

Jason and Gabby go and get sized for berets while Tino and Rachel get crepes and Rachel pretends that she knew enough French to know that the crepe maker was offering to allow them to make their own.

Of the 2 activities –  I might prefer the crepe making just so that Gabby would not have to see them bring out the extender for my hat size after she was so happy to find out that her hat size was small (weird thing to be obsessed by, a small head makes me think less of someone…stupid phrenology…or I am just lashing out.)

The couples meet up together and are exchanging stories then Rachel does the "Do you have to go to the bathroom" line but they only go to the counter directly behind the window where the men remain. Gabby is gushing that she is in love.

Continuing the franchise's weird obsession with churches Tino and Rachel have a dinner in one.

Tino asks about the rose ceremony drama and Rachel frames the men choosing Gabby over her as disrespectful…uhmm wouldn't it be more disrespectful if they said "yes" just to get a rose?

Rachel then brings up her past relationship where her partner did not like that she had a career in aviation. Tino asks Rachel if his wanting a family is a deal breaker for her – HUH? Has he not been listening, did he not see last season? Tino gets the rose as Rachel tells us "I think I am going to fall in love with Tino."

 Team Rachel is glorying in the 'Dock house' (they have a full bar) while Team Gabby sits on their couch of destiny in the 'Social Club.' A date card appears for Team Gabby "Love conquers all but you have to put up a fight."

Gabby keeps casually dropping how much she travels "these European showers often stop at 38 Celsius and I am like HOTTER!" At their dinner, Gabby is trying to draw info out of Jason who she describes as very reserved. Jason gives a story about thinking he wasn't as good as his friends at tennis so he quit and now years later with therapy he can speak up…I am a bit confused by the story but I am already kind of tuning out of this episode we need some drama stat. [BTW Jason was a college level good tennis player, this made it seem like he quit as a kid]

Gabby tells Jason about her trauma with her mom "she just doesn't have the tools to love me back." The emotional conversation leads to "when Hayden was like "you are rough around the edges" I was like to you yeah I am because you are a punk ass bitch." Jason smoothly says "those are his issues he is projecting on to you" this is a man who listened in therapy. Gabby says she does not want to just give a rose she wants to give the knowledge "that this could go somewhere." Gabby is crying in her ITM "I never thought this day would come, I am just so lucky."

 GABBY GROUP DATE – "French Boxing or Savate"

The prize for today's group date is a private dinner with Gabby and a rose is on the line. The guys are put through a boxing workout and it looks HARD! I just quit on my daily workout a few minutes earlier than the scheduled 2 hours so I feel extra bad for these dudes.

Rachel and Gabby get to sit together to watch the men come out to fight then Rachel's guys join in plus a crowd of spectators. Jesse again hits us with some French as he plays ring announcer.

Rachel is annoyed "my guys are being so aggro, none of my guys are looking at me, look at their eyelines…Tino is bouncing in the corner." Rachel it is not that serious, you brought your dudes to a boxing match and you are not right beside them they are in a group, of course they are jostling each other. PLUS they are observing their colleagues about to do combat it would be weird for them to be looking at you and trying to catch your eye, that would probably look creepy and thirsty. 

Before the fights the men have to profess their affection to Gabby, hearing this makes Rachel even thirstier because none of her men are doing this same activity…you know the proscribed activity that Gabby's men are FORCED to do.

Maybe this is Karma (really though it is just Logan being thirsty) Logan is trying to catch Gabby's eye. Rachel starts to cry as the men are invested in the fighting "I am by myself as Gabby is up there [awarding the belt to the boxing winner] and nobody cares about me." Rachel should NOT be on this show, she should be in a therapists office. Spencer wins the boxing challenge.

Spencer and Gabby are having a fun evening - "After the group date I feel kind of just rejuvenated" the minute Gabby said that I knew we would cut to Rachel looking sad.  "After the last rose ceremony I felt elated" Gabby to Spencer…cut to Rachel crying…"I feel like Gabby's guys get it…I don't feel like I deserve to be the Bachelorette" meanwhile Rachel's guys are excitedly talking about their anticipation of seeing her the next day.

Rachel walks in on her guys crying "you really made me feel hurt and unseen" "I was trying really hard to make eye contact" "I feel like my feelings are extremely hurt" the guys have confused faces (as they should). "So I want to like remind you guys because it really did hurt my feelings" "The shock on their faces no one even knew where I was coming from, no one knew." Uhmm sis, that might be a clue to you, you placed these guys into a competitive sphere but they cannot play a game they do not know they are in.

 

Next Day – The guys on the Group date all run up to Rachel – because they now know she needs the attention.

The group date walks in on a "French couple and they are just like making out…do they know we are here?" Yeah a couple just happens to be in a location surrounded by cameras and lights and they do not expect your arrival.

We are going with a stereotyped date of the French experience. Zach is up first with the charge of pretending to flirt, his move is to bear hug Rachel (now granted some of this effect is because she stiffened up on contact so what was already a bad move was exacerbated) who asks "is this how you flirt with people in a bar?" Zach replies "I hope not?" Sir, do you not know? His actions earn Zach a new Chyron.

The men are not great at flirting but Ethan takes it up a level after saying "You are only in France once showing off your flirtatious abilities so you gotta go all out" uhmm G you can go to France and flirt more than once. Ethan crawls to Rachel

Meatball who the show now has "Uses Eau de Toilette Boulette de Viande" as his chyron, says Ethan is giving a little sex panther energy"

 The next 'task' is the men French kissing their own fists - Yes you read that correctly. 

 "The next task was armpit smelling and what the actual hell was that?" Zach stepping in for the audience here with the questions we need answered and NO French lady "Pheromones can stimulate a lot of things" is not a reasonable enough answer here. When it was Meatball's time Rachel says "didn't like that" guess dude does smell like he looks.

Of course one of the tasks is the guys writing a love letter – Rachel is now gushing, I guess she forgot that they were tasked with writing this letter. "It's really showing me how much they care."

 Rachel has Tyler over for a night date in her suite:

Rachel is impressed that Tyler can open a champagne bottle. Tyler 'earned' his time by having a poem from the night before in his pocket. Rachel is easy to butter up here because she is desirous of attention and in a vulnerable place "these roses are really important to me" as she gives Tyler a rose. While Rachel is telling Tyler that she is so excited and reveling in her good time we have Logan talking to Jesse and letting him know that he is thinking of switching to Gabby but is worried about adding to the "long list" of guys who have rejected Rachel.

 COCKTAIL PARTY:

The women give speeches about how much they have been missing each other it has been mere days y'all not weeks. Gabby pulls Nate first because she really liked what he said before getting pummeled in a boxing match. Hayden is first with Rachel and he breaks out pictures of his dog to soften Rachel up, you know Hayden as the guy earlier in the episode who secretly called the women "bitches."

Hayden's emotional manipulation is to show the pictures of his dog and then hits Rachel with the cancer bomb – letting her know his dog only has months to live to show "how hard it is for him to be away." Hayden brought "his cancer duck that he went through all his radiation with" bro LEAVE THE DOG HIS STUFFED TOY Hayden claims that he cannot walk around with the duck (though conveniently here he has) so he carries the ducks bill on him. As they are wrapping up Tino asks to steal Rachel and she agrees to go off with him. Hayden in his ITM says he is disappointed by Rachel's reaction (emotional manipulation ray activate!) because he expected her to give him more time after hearing about the dying dog "not get up quicker than she sat down." Hayden foolishly continues to snitch on himself to Meatball. 

Meatball decides to tell Rachel all of the stuff that Hayden has been spouting. The information from Meatball is so shocking to Rachel that she uses Meatball's government "I trust James." As Hayden is telling another group of guys about the dog and his sacrifice to be there Rachel comes in looking heated and asks to talk to him. One of the guys observing curses realizing that some of his time will now be cut short.

Rachel says to Hayden "Do you know why we are talking right now?" "I am assuming it is about Rambo" Rachel in shock "THE DOG?"

Hayden is claiming that he expected Rachel to talk to him since he has been saying things to others about the dog. Rachel confronts Hayden with what he has been accused of saying, Hayden claims he would not have said anything like that "that is not my character." Rachel is frustrated and said "can I walk you out?" and there is a stride of anger as Rachel walks Hayden to the pier. Hayden now pretending this was his choice "I really wanted this to work but I want Rambo more…I'm ready, I am ready to see Rambo." I want to cast your mind back to episode 1 Hayden brought a birthday card for Rachel (a janky terribly handwritten homemade card), he was always targeting her and he was always planning to use manipulative props.

Rachel is back to being bummed out and comparing herself to Gabby (and the good time Gabby is having) "it is like every single day is a roller coaster…I'm done" keep in mind Logan still wants to switch from her and the producers know this.

So of course now here comes Jesse to cancel the rest of the cocktail party…so Gabby's guys get screwed because Rachel's situation is not going well? I am very suspicious of the timing here as we go into the Rose Ceremony where the women are visibly freezing and I suspect Gabby is more than a little tipsy.

 

Gabby	Rachel
First rose to Nate	Aven
Erich	Meatball	Zach is talking and the men who already have roses think he will be next to get one, instead it is Meatball who we do not hear announced
Johnny	Zach	Now time for Logan to tell us in a VO what he plans to do
Michael	Ethan	I keep picking against Michael because he is barely on our screen. As the men think it is for sure Logan coming next it is instead Ethan
Mario	Logan	Final rose time and Mario looks like he is about to have a heart attack Logan says he is unsure if he should keep accepting roses "I am on really dangerous waters" As Rachel offers the rose Gabby is looking over at him but because I do not trust the editing I do not know if the look is actually for this moment or not.

 The editing on this rose ceremony was terrible.

Logan "Fortune favors the bold." The group is going off to Bruges.

Bloopers:

Gabby and Jason stomp grapes with their feet to make their own champagne they then drink glasses of their own foot stomped grapes with some champagne…this is not how it is done.