Bachelor recap, or Twin Magic cannot survive Vegas.

 

One of my coworkers brought in a deskcycle, (basically a mini pedaller you keep under your desk) he used it faithfully for about a week. For the last few days it has been a foot rest, I suspect his wife told him to be healthy for the New Year and he dutifully went out and bought it then immediately reverted back to his true nature. Watching the Bachelor is a lot like that for me, I start of watching with positivity but usually by week 3 or 4 it becomes an aggressive Hate-watch for me. I want to stop watching, I promise myself I will work out more instead of watching but then…I just put my foot up on my version of the desk cycle and start typing out these thoughts. On to the show I have to hurry up and finish this and hit the gym, or ice cream.

Why does everyone in Samsung ads seem like a dick? They are either always making fun of their iPhone friends or talking smack to each other…who the hell would want to hang out with people like that? If going Android causes all of that, when I eventually leave Apple (I am not brand faithful) I need Blackberry to be back!

We start the show with everyone crowded onto 2 couches, I am always amused by that, I know they have to get them all in the same area but they are squished in like sardines. The girls are going to Vegas and as always happens they have to react like they just won the lottery. Even the twins have to pretend to be excited about going to Vegas…where they are from, oh and talk in twin-synch they fail at both.

I say all the time that I hate Vegas, I hate it like I hate this show I WENT 7 TIMES LAST YEAR!!!! Clearly at this point if I ever get married I need to put in my vows “I hate you” and then she will know for sure we will be together for life.

JoJo gets the first one on one date, and acts with even more excitement than Jubes exhibited last week but the girls are not hating on her like they did with Jubes hmm?

To hammer in the twin point, we see them on the treadmill together. I want them off the show; I hate the infantilization of women. 

Olivia continues to have her own internal thoughts about how great her relationship with Ben is going, someone should tell Ben.

One on One date:

And the Bachelor is really using up its helicopter budget early…no one thought about the fact that if you have a helicopter landing close by it might knock over your bucket of ice and champagne – logistics are not the best thing on this show. The other girls go from laughing at this comedy of logistics to sadness as they see Ben kiss JoJo before getting on the heli.

[Group date card arrives and Becca’s name is not on it so she rejoices and Olivia frowns.]

We do not get to see any of the daytime portions of the date with JoJo, I wonder “was it boring?” The evening portion is not that great, we hear about JoJo’s last relationship and of course Ben pushes for the painful part of the story, c.f. Jubes the week before and the date the week before that, Ben’s move is to find out the worst part of someone’s story. I cannot tell if it is kindness or a calculated plan.

Ben takes her to the roof to see fireworks, and the other girls can of course see it from their room and they freak out…they do know that this is not something Ben himself set up right? Olivia says she “feels like [she] is being cheated on” by her husband.

Group Date:

And they go to see Terry Fator, he is talented but I would not think of him as something a group of 20 somethings would love to go to. Really though it is just a set up to have the girls perform on stage – it is a ‘talent’ show. Olivia is accused by the girls of hiding a talent from them. Girls you might be mistaking excessive crazy for a talent. Olivia dons a Vegas show girl outfit and prior to the show is talking a big game. The girls will be the opening act for Fator’s show, this is another time that I have to wonder would I be pissed or amused to pay for a show and see the Bachelor/ette cast show up? I just realized the Twins occupation is listed as Twins! Sigh.

The twins go first; they are a heavy part of this show this week. They perform Irish tap dancing and appear to be really good. Jubes plays the cello, you go girl, as someone trained in classical piano and who had to write music for the orchestra that will always impress me. A cake is wheeled onstage, and Olivia pops out of it and attempts to dance, the girls are cringing at the sight of her trying to dance.

Ben looks mortified for her. After the performance Olivia begins to have a panic attack and declares that she does not want to be on camera…panic attack, shame attack they can be melded together I am sure…never had either (well maybe a shame attack when peeps find out that this is my blog).

Yup it is a shame attack, and wow she used the word ‘mortified’ and another girl used the word ‘cringed’, do I really think this little of these women that I am shocked they used the same words I did? Okay cool a girl just said “stoked to be there and stoked to see Ben” all is right with the world.

Lounging portion of the group date:

Caila goes in for the kiss and then pretends to be shy post kiss. Always smart to go first girl, no need to be sloppy 2^nd or 6^th. Olivia is wearing an outfit that immediately causes me to screen capture and send my coworker a question… “Is something about to fall out?”

Lauren H. shows a funnier side than expected when Ben shows up with a puppet “I didn’t expect to be on the date with Ben and Little Ben…Little Ben is way bigger than I expected.” Lauren kisses the puppet then Ben, then in her confessional playing with a puppet she mocks Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) by saying “This is going to be the most dramatic puppet ceremony ever” I do not think she is going to win it all, but I want her to stay on longer than most.

Olivia pulls Ben aside, and confesses that she felt awful after her performance. She is not confident anymore, I really need to ask all my friends in Austin who are in ‘the scene’ if they know her. Lauren B walks up and immediately kisses Ben, yup why waste time with words: she then talks about the fact that her first date with Ben could be her last first date ever – not rushing ahead or anything.

Olivia creeps back in while Ben is talking to one of the twins and interrupts the conversation it is awkward and slightly creepy and it pisses off all the girls - she did it because she pointed out that the last conversation was the first time they have ‘ever talked and not kissed’, let that marinate. Olivia thinks that she might have taken it to the point that will get her the rose, Lauren B gets it, and Olivia learns a valuable lesson – do not listen exclusively to the voices in your head.

ONE ON ONE DATE:

Becca before the date gets a wedding dress from Ben as a present (not weird at all).

Jubes kicks out the sarcastic wit and says “Perfect person to wear white…Ben better not get any ideas. But if she hasn’t lost it in 26 years I doubt it is going to happen in 6 hours…just saying.” Ben is wearing a tux and meets Becca at a chapel (again every bloody season they desecrate a church/chapel/temple/house of worship). Turns out Ben has become ordained and Ben and Becca will be doing the wedding but he tells her they will be doing this by getting on one knee and fake proposing.

 

Dirty secret, BEN CANNOT ACTUALLY LEGALLY MARRY ANYONE IN VEGAS no matter what the show is pretending is happening here. I am telling you the laws of Vegas do not allow Ben to do this, Travis and Lea either had a real ceremony before or after this or should probably find out that they are not actually married. Aside from the legality, what kind of moron wants the Bachelor and his fly by night date to marry them? Look I understand that Vegas is the quickie wedding capital but COME ON! Have some pride in yourself! And I say this as a hate-fan of this bloody show.

Ben talking about the date says “I am so glad you came” and then stuttered; did the juvenile brain kick in? Or is it just my juvenile brain kicking in? I gave blood today; maybe my brain is lacking enough blood to remain mature. Of course Becca’s virginity is discussed again – and she keeps repeating “it’s really hard, it really is.” This show has got to be trolling me!

They exchange fake vows, they are as corny as you would expect. Becca is another of the many girls to say she could see herself as “Mrs. Ben Higgins.” While she thinks about that, I think about blending peppers into a pulp to marinate my fried chicken that I plan to make and demolish tonight.

New day:

OMCH shows up with a surprise, wait what? He is not about to be obvious? Emily and Haley get picked for a surprise 2 on 1 date. Since they are from Vegas, Ben treats it as a hometown date and goes to see the Twins’ mom. Turns out they both live at home with mom. Emily tells Ben that he can treat them as individuals or maybe Haley told him that who knows?

Ben talks to the mom about her daughters this is weird because the mom is basically having to pimp out both of her daughters while selling them as a package deal. Ben decides to choose Haley no wait Emily no seriously it was Emily. Emily was the more outgoing of the 2 (I think) and I suspect that is why she was picked since it cannot be for looks. The flaw with going on this show as twins is one will always be crushed! Imagine if Emily now goes all the way? To marriage you perverts.

Cocktail Party:

Jubes ever the pragmatist points out that Haley going home improves her chances of remaining. Olivia declares that she is going to grab him right away except Jen immediately steps up and takes him away and Olivia looks like she is going to ‘cut a bitch.’ Almost immediately as Jen walks off with Ben Olivia gets up to take Ben away from her. The other girls as usual are furious about this. Olivia takes the ‘Long hair don’t care’ attitude and bullies her way through. She brings a slice of cake because “I may not be great at jumping out of a cake but I am great at eating cake” or some such nonsense.

When she returns to the girls Olivia tells JoJo that her statement of affection to Ben was reciprocated, poor JoJo cannot realize that this is all in Olivia’s head.

Jubes continues to need reassurances from Ben, who piles on the platitudes.

Rose Ceremony:

Amber as she says every week “I have never wanted a rose this badly.”

We will just have Olivia talk us through the rose ceremony “all eyes are on me” she is a bag o’ cats crazy: “He is happy, we are happy, I am happy, I am just ready to spread that to my man” then a dead stare into the camera, whomever she eventually ends up with in life is never going to sleep comfortably after an argument. “This is going to work for me, I read a lot of romance novels where everything just comes together…that would be gigantor (sic) for me.” Voice over: “I would be shocked if I didn’t get a rose and some people who haven’t talked to him…did” said just before Ben calls Jennifer down to which Olivia whispers “Seriously?” “Being called last at the ceremony, I feel like I am getting a participation medal or something…why am I last all the time? Sending me a message here, best for last right?” And, she gets the final rose which leaves Amber sobbing, I wonder if we will see her again next season.

I personally think Amber is a much more interesting girl than Becca and for me she is prettier BUT Amber has one major flaw on a show like this, she reeks of desperation. Becca is bland and boring for the most part but it keeps her just enough under the radar that peeps seem to like her since she isn’t offensive or compelling, she is just there…like growing grass.