Bachelorette recap or, we will not let you back in this house!

We start with DeMario trying to talk his way into the house he definitely turns on the silver tongue charm, but it does not work and thus the posse of guys hanging outside the house willing to throw him out does not need to be activated. 

The cocktail party continues and the guy labeled ‘Tickle monster’ walks around with giant hands. Waboom aka Lucas tries to counter what Blake has said about him by using what I guess is gay panic? He tells Rachel a story of waking up and seeing Blake standing over his bed eating a banana – right after saying Blake might have a crush on him. Blake as a counter to his accusation says that he does not eat carbs…Both Lucas and Blake are booted, while Lucas is doing his goodbye ITM Blake walks over puts his hand on his shoulder and begins to verbally unload on him. They begin to rant at each other in a pretty funny meltdown, I have not seen every season of this show but I cannot imagine this has happened much before. 

The Group date card arrives and it says the guys are going on Ellen, they react way too aggressively for men that allegedly have jobs during the daytime…on the Ellen show they strip down to dance for the ladies in the audience and a few snitch on themselves. 

Ohhhhh Fred, he asks Rachel if this is the right time to kiss her, he makes it awkward but somehow still gets the kiss while continuing a sentence – he has been waiting to kiss her since elementary school. Rachel brings out the date rose to the group but then asks Fred to step outside with her for a bit, the guys who remain in the room think that this means he is getting the rose but nope Rachel is letting him go, because she just cannot see him as anything but the little kid she once knew. 

Solo date time:

And they are on Rodeo Drive poor Anthony has to get on a horse for the first time in his life and ride down Rodeo with Rachel, she steers their horses into West (the shop) to get boots and hats, then to Sprinkles for Cupcakes then to a boutique shop where the horses finally relieved themselves. Anthony lucked out cause he got to get an ‘experience’ plus gets gifts. 

Group Date Time:

And Rachel brings some of her ‘friends’ from her season of the Bachelor, it is hard to see Corinne on this. The guys are taken to a saloon to mud wrestle…so again the guys on the group date are topless. I guess this is equality… they are objectifying the men like crazy here including yelling “show us your junk” and “let me see that butt.” Sigh, I hate when they make the women strip down on the Bachelor and I hate to see it here for the men on the Bachelorette. 

Kenny confesses in his one on one time with Rachel that he used to be a Chippendale dancer in Vegas. 

Eric confronts the 2 guys that told Rachel they found him the least compatible with Rachel. Despite being told by multiple peeps that Eric is not right for her Rachel gives him the date rose.

Cocktail party time and multiple people talk about Eric and it clearly shakes Rachel – this causes her faith in him to shake and she seeks him out. Rachel doesn’t pull the rose from him but Eric calls the guys together to lecture them about “keeping my name out your mouths.”

A black bachelorette and the world still stands 2 episodes in!

This might be the latest I have gotten to a season of the show, but come on it is a Black Bachelorette I am not going to give up on this season. So no matter how long it takes I am going to finish this show.

It is still so weird seeing this many brown peeps on a Bachelor-franchise show.

Lucas is already the enemy to many of the guys and apparently has a long simmering tension with Blake.

The guys get to meet Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis and they are as raunchily fun as you remember. The guys have to do a ‘Daddy material’ challenge, first pretend to change a baby, then attach a baby bjorn and run with the baby to then vacuum a strip, then get to a clogged sink to pull fake hair, then find a ring that fell into a filled sink, then set a table, then get a bouquet and run it back to Rachel. Lucas cheats to win, including throwing a stiff arm to Kenny King (kid you are crazy to do that to a wrestler) and tried to get Ashton to do his foolish “whaboom” sound to which Ashton deservedly passes and looks at him with disdain. Back to the stiff arm, Kenny looked like he was two steps away from putting Lucas 6 feet under.

Dean gets the date rose and a kiss that surprises Rachel.

Peter gets the first one on one and Rachel is flying with him to Palm Springs, she then tries to trick him that the date is not going to be a one on one but instead a 2 on 1 turns out to be her dog (which I predicted but had the advantage of seeing Copper with Rachel enough to guess that would be the second ‘person.’ They go to a ‘Bark Fest’ a goofy dog centric pool party, Peter easily impresses Rachel.

Back at the hotel a group date card shows up and the only phrase on it is ‘Swish’ and the black guys react a lot more excitedly than the white guys…

Back to La Quinta (yes this blog is personal so let me just say, I loved staying in that resort) and the one on one. They talk about their big incisors and tooth-gaps they swap ‘power stories’ about it, I didn’t notice gaps on either of them until they mentioned it. He gets the date rose and a kiss.

I should not be this tired but I am struggling to stay awake during this episode, it better pickup.

Group date time and Kareem Abdul-Jabar shows up to help coach…I think. Kareem tries to associate basketball with love, it was a tortured analogy. Anyway the part that matters, the guys are going to play against each other infront of a crowd. These guys are laying bricks like crazy, even after doing shimmies and stylin’. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Safe to say…I fell asleep all of those ‘Ks’ there were 11 pages of them! Hahahah during the game! I didn’t even make it to half time. So I had to restart and got to see Demario dominate the game, but then his team lost…but that will not be his only L tonight. Rachel is doing a meet and greet with fans after the game and one fan Lexi lingers to meet her last (sure, nothing staged here). Lexi tells Rachel that up until she saw Demario on the ‘After the final Rose’ she thought she was dating him. Demario is hanging out with the fellows after the game and Rachel comes in to the locker room to get him, he and the others think this is going to a “hey you get the game day rose” or an “Hey you were the MVP” type of thing. But instead, he gets to meet his ex/current/smash buddy girl, and it ends with Rachel telling him to “get the [bleep] out.” She is so annoyed/crying that she avoids Obvious Man Chris Harrison and the producers and runs into the bathroom. She eventually tells the remaining guys to make sure to just be there for her.

One by one the guys use the disappearance of Demario to step up; Josiah telling Rachel that he was disgusted by it gets to make out with her.

During the cocktail party portion as Rachel is talking to all of the suitors DeMario shows up on the outside of the property so security gets OMCH who goes and gets Rachel and tells her that the option is there for her to talk to him, so of course she goes to talk to him: The guys hearing that DeMario is outside rise en masse to go and confront him and we get the dreaded “to be continued.”

The Bachelor goes to Wisconsin

We start with the girls continuing the plan from last week of criticizing Corinne directly to Nick. Even OMCH takes Nick aside to talk about Corinne but there is no resolution before the rose ceremony. Typical last rose Drama before Corinne gets the final rose. 2 of the girls who were sent home were girls that I constantly confused for each other, so maybe Nick did the same?

Corinne decides to make a toast for the group, the group stares daggers at her. To me Corinne tries so hard to be sexy and yet I do not find it sexy at all. Yes she has worked hard on her body and her looks but (I must be getting older) I am not enticed by it at all.

The rental must be over on the Mansion, the group is now off to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Nick meets up with his parents and we have to pretend that he has never talked to them about this stuff before.

Danielle L gets the one on one date.

While I watch this, I am working on my sweet and pungent chicken recipe, too many online sources want to 'correct' my search and instead show sweet and sour chicken instead - this is how bored I am by Nick's date. Even the clearly staged moment of running into Nick's ex didn't provide any spark. Danielle's evening sob story is that her parents divorced. Daneille like stops...a third of the...way into...like...every sentence!

A date card arrives back at the hotel so the girls get to find out that Corinne is on a group date and Raven gets the one on one.

Danielle gets the date rose that "solidifies the way I see this relationship going." They go to finish the date at a Chris Lane concert (yeah I do not know who he is) but what caught my eye is that the show had to blur Danielle's dress as she walked in right after I noticed to myself "that dress is risky."

The group date has the girls go to a dairy farm and come upon Nick bottle feeding a calf. Corinne is not happy with the group date. 95% of the milk in Wisconsin is made into cheese, and you thought this show wouldn't teach you something. The girls are doing a day in the life of a dairy farmer. Corinne of course voices in her confessional that she is not able to do any chores especially farm chores, her 'nanny does the chores.'

Nick is unable to get a cow to produce any milk, one of the girls takes that as a sign that Nick is unable to handle teats. The girls then have to muck out a stall, so Corinne walks out of the date and goes to sit alone. 

Corinne plays with her bosom a lot, I mean a whole lot, she will punctuate sentences by grabbing her bosom and shaking, she tells us that she is a corn husk and that you have to peel the layers to get to the golden corn...I think she might have wanted to be the corn but not the corn husk but hey.

Vanessa's kids and co-workers created a 'book' for Nick and not for the first time in 4 seasons have I wondered if Nick is a proficient reader.

Corinne decides to talk to the group and she is immediately called out for sleeping through a rose ceremony. Corinne says "Michael Jordan took naps, Abraham Lincoln took naps" well yup she got us all.

Raven apparently forgets that Danielle was with Nick earlier in the episode since she says "I feel very privileged to be the first girl to get a one on one home town date with Nick." Nick says this is a "realistic date for me...to see things I would do when I come home to visit my family." Because of course Nick gets to go to his little sister's practices all the time with a date and a bunch of cameras. Raven gets to meet the parents and while Nick's dad is asking her about her name she does not look him in the eyes even once. Nick's sister scores a goal...they didn't rig youth soccer did they? They all go to a skating rink- where Bella questions Raven about her intentions. I hate myself that I immediately recognized the Sixpence none the Richer song 'kiss me' instantly from the first chords as they skated around the rink, I will claim that it is because they are a Texas band.

Raven's evening sob story is that her boyfriend cheated on her and she drove miles to go and catch him in the act which resulted in her beating up a naked girl and attacking her naked boyfriend. Raven gets the date rose.

Cocktail party:
And Danielle L who already has a rose is the first to take Nick aside, this causes girls to out loud voice their concerns and annoyance. Corinne and Lacy are mad that Taylor interrupted Corinne's time with Nick oh the irony, so Corinne decides that she needs to take Taylor aside to tell her what she feels about her. Taylor is clearly trying to measure her response to Corinne. Corinne reminds us again that she runs a multi-million dollar company (that her parents own). And we are 'To Be Continued.'

Too much fun with the Bachelor will leave you nauseous.

On the prior episode Liz seals her fate by telling another girl that she slept with Nick which leads to Nick finding out and Liz going home.

We go into a rose ceremony/cocktail party. Corinne unlike the other girls who are lamenting that Nick slept with Liz before the show, takes it as a challenge to one up her and decides to dress in a Trench Coat with just underwear beneath it. She squirts whipped cream into Nick's mouth and licks it, then squirts some unto her bosom and has Nick lick it off, keep in mind the cocktail party is still ongoing. The other girls are starting to cry based on what Nick and Corinne are doing. 

Jasmine finally interrupts the Corinne and Nick cream-fest. Corinne goes and cries to Lacy, it seems as if Corinne thought she and Nick would just have sex immediately. Corinne is missing from the Rose Ceremony, cut to video of her sleeping with a rose beside her. Just as Nick is about to give out a rose he notices that Corinne is not present "no seriously where is Corinne?" Nick apologizes to the girls for Corinne's absence.

OMCH comes in and tells the girls their minds will be blown by the upcoming dates. And I guess he is right, the girls get to meet the Backstreet Boys (my side-job has allowed me the chance the last year to hang with a lot of celebs and you know what? I get it girls I am not mad at y'all for freaking out a bit). The girls practice dancing with the Backstreet Boys then get to perform on stage with them. Danielle is selected to be serenaded while she dances with Nick and Corinne mean mugs and gives us narration that proves that she might already be a bit too clingy for a show of this type.

A show like the Bachelor brings out the worst (and the best) in peeps personalities and people can come off crazy, whether they are playing it up or not, but something tells me imbalanced personalities gravitate to a show like this and Corinne may not be in the best place even while being entertaining fodder.

Corinne starts talking to the girls about the fact that she has a nanny "it makes her happy and I am not going to stop a woman's happiness." They are reminded that she is 24 years old. Danielle wins the group date rose.

Vanessa for her solo date gets to do stuff that ordinary peeps do not get to do, she gets to play around in a Zero G plane, to simulate being in space. This is why ordinary peeps do not get to do it [
$4,950 + 5% tax: The ZERO-G Experience^®: Weightless flight to include 15 parabolic maneuvers creating 20-30 seconds of weightlessness each. Includes ZERO-G merchandise, pre and post flight catering, professional photos of ZERO-G Experience^®, video of weightless experience and certificate of weightless completion.] If you ever have an extra 5K hook your friendly blogger up, I will go with you. Poor Vanessa eventually pukes.

The group date has the girls hanging with Carl Lewis (met him) Allyson Felix (my idiot coworker thinks he can run faster than her) and Michelle Carter (who I would love to meet). The girls are going to compete in the 'Nickcathalon' to win time with Nick. Peeps comment on Astrid's lack of bra support. The girls were expected to do a long jump, the high jump, and the javelin to get to the second round. The second round is a 100m dash, to grab a ring and get hot tub time with Nick. Rachel wins I cannot resist (the black girl) but knocks the ring over instead of grabbing it, Astrid who came in last (of 3) gets to the tumbling ring and wins the hot tub time...

Evening portion and Dominique one of the black girls (again this franchise has been so bad with ethnic persons that it has to be pointed out that way) is breaking down, she cries to Rachel in the bathroom. Dominique decides to call out Nick and it backfires, or maybe went exactly the way she wanted without having to quit herself, because Nick sends her home.

OMCH shows up to tell us, "No cocktail party, instead there will be a pool party" the usual cheap ploy to get the lead down to their skivvies and the talent down to their skimpiest. Corinne because she hasn't said enough crazy this episode, calls the other girls desperate, just before we see her bouncing around in a princess castle bounce house. She straddles Nick in the bounce house as the other girls watch. Alexis voices what many of the girls are expressing "bitches" Jasmine's was too bleeped out to follow "I'm (Bleep) with this (bleep), (bleep). Nick leaves her and we cut to Corinne snoring in bed.

"I think you are making a huge mistake with one girl" so starts Raven in her conversation with Nick. Raven tells Nick about Corinne's nanny and "she doesn't even know how to clean a spoon." This opens up the floodgates, all the women start to talk to Nick about Corinne.

I finally try to catch up on the Bachelor or Sleeping with Nick is Bad for your TV time Health.

I have been working some crazy hours so I am way behind on this show. We start off with the women reveling in their first night in the Bachelor home.

There is a group date which necessitates some of the girls leaving the mansion to do a photo shoot with Nick...of wedding photos done by a photographer that looks like he is wearing a too tight tablecloth and fits so many stereotypes.
Corinne the girl that the ads have been making look like the aggressor boasts to other girls that she kissed Nick the night before. Corinne is boasting that she gets to look cute in her bathing suit because the other girls are all covered up until one of the girls walks in as 'Adam and Eve' bride so she is only wearing a bikini bottom of faux leaves and no top, just her hair covering her chesticles. Corinne is not pleased that a girl gets to go topless and it is not her.

I am loving hearing so many southern accents (even if some of them are faked).
Nick kisses a tonne of the fake brides and fake bridesmaids. The Adam and Eve bridal shoot of course had an apple (NO WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY THERE WAS AN APPLE).

Corinne in her photo shoot is supposed to be in a bikini/beach wedding, so of course she takes her top off so that Nick can be "holding my bare bosoms." Her thirsty move wins her the solo time with Nick as judged by the photographer. In the evening portion of the group date Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside

One of the girls tells Nick that she is attracted to assholes.

Danielle M gets the first Solo Date Card.

And Corinne goes and interrupts a date then when she returns tries to make the girls feel bad that she is willing to interrupt them. So then Corinne goes and steals Nick a 2nd time which leads to a make out session, Nick is then stolen by Taylor who Corinne initially stole Nick from; this pisses off Corinne who tells the other girls that what Taylor did was rude...if that compound sentence makes your head hurt, imagine watching it! Corinne confronts Taylor in a very awkward passive aggressive way regarding the interruption. She tells the other girls how to feel about the whole show and what they should remember "you are here for Nick and that's it." Corinne wins the group date rose, so maybe her advice is worth something? "Dad would be proud, even though I was naked."
Corinne gloats and gloats and GLOATS. Raven tells us that if Corinne is the kind of girl Nick wants "no wonder it is his fourth time."

Danielle M's date kicks in the helicopter budget for this season and also the yacht budget as they land the heli on a yacht.

Cut back to the house where Liz confesses to Christen that she slept with Nick months ago, they appear to talk about this for a significant portion of the day.

 Back to the date and Nick tells Danielle about his past show issues and she hits him with the season's first sob story, her fiance died from a drug overdose. Nicks tells her he doesn't think less of her, instead he thinks more of her...WHAT? You were going to think less of her because her man overdosed, that was an option?

New Group Date - "We need to talk" is what the date card says, Liz keeps saying "Yeah we do."
They go to what I would have thought if told the name would be a fake museum - the Museum of Broken Relationships and Nick has donated relics, his last rose and the ring he picked out for his time on the Bachelorette. The daters watch a fake couple break up and then are told they will be doing the same with Nick. So most do fun little skits with Nick to 'break up with him'  including one smacking him in the face. But Liz, takes her time with Nick to lay some deep rooted stuff out there and it leaves the whole group confused especially Nick who is left speechless.

In their one on one time one girl confesses to Nick that she has dated a girl in the past but tells him she will not take his girl. Christen tells Nick that she knows that he previously slept with Liz. Which means that Nick has to now figure out why Liz is on the show "I cant help but wonder if Liz just wanted to use our past to be on TV." Nick listens to Liz's explanations about her feelings regarding him, thanks her and then tells her that he sees no future with her so he sends her home and it is then that I realize they are hanging out at a spot I have frequented, I clearly watch this show too passively, which must sound weird as you read a blog about it.

Nick gets what he has tried season after season to get Episode one

So thanks to working too much and another DVR failing on me I lost out on much of Bachelor in Paradise so I had to give up on that. Let's see if I make it through this season of the Bachelor.

We blatantly get to see the recap that shows Nick so desperate to get on the show. Then we do the goofy thing where the previous Bachelors get to 'counsel' Nick. 

With the women we start with the black attorney that will probably be gone by week 6 max. Then on to the nail salon owner who if she has a personality he will keep for awhile. Next is a teacher who speaks 3 languages and works with special needs persons, hopefully she does not do something to lose her job. I start to zone and realize I cannot write about all the basics: So many of these girls claim to be business owners and one claims to run a multi-million dollar company while still having a nanny. Not a nanny for her kids, A NANNY FOR HER. One girl may have already slept with Nick thanks to being part of a Bachelor alum's wedding party.

Time to exit the limos:

So many gimmicks, including the girl from Alaska doing an Eskimo kiss while wearing a heavy coat, a girl runs up to pretend to be a 'runner-up.' Another girl comes out with Neil Lane bringing the engagement rings that usually show up at the end of the season. One girl tells him via a joke that she is not wearing underwear. Many peeps keep mentioning that sex is important. The wedding party girl steps out of the limo and definitely looks disappointed that Nick does not appear to remember that they had sex - Nick looks perplexed like his brain is trying to tell him something. So OMCH does some extra work and checks in to see if Nick knows her or not.

A girl tells Nick that she likes that he has balls and she does too, to which he clearly worries that the show has given him a mister not a sister, but she just meant piercings.  One girl forces him to "Lady and the Tramp" an uncooked weiner aka an uncooked hotdog, savages. More than half of the girls are wearing red dresses, including a girl that comes up riding a camel with "I hear you like a good hump." The girl that claims to love dolphins comes in wearing a shark outfit...not a dolphin! She says she too almost wore a red dress.

Nick is getting along well with the black attorney that I still fear does not make it past episode 6, then again Nick is media savvy enough to maybe keep her? There is the usual first episode foolishness of girls wondering if they should kiss the lead while others worry that they are not getting enough time with the lead but not aggressively going for it.

The 'Dolphin' girl gets told by Nick that she is in a shark outfit but she keeps insisting that she is a  dolphin. The black attorney gets the first impression rose this leads other girls to tears of fears.

First Rose Ceremony of the season:

If the girl from the wedding does not get a rose is she going to be crushed that her sexual prowess could not score her a rose? The 'dolphin' girl gets a rose and many an eye-roll ensues.
Sex at the wedding girl gets the final rose.

"My heart is gold but my 'vaginne' is platinum" an actual line from the 'coming up on this season' teaser reel.

Bachelor in Paradise or lets make sure she looks bad doing this challenge.

The show starts with Daniel trying to count his six pack and having to restart...I kid you not.
More making out by Josh and Amanda.
Dan is telling Sarah how much he is into her and she is responding casually.

Then Christian walks in, he asks the guys for advice on who he should be talking to. Josh tells him that he wont get far if he asks Amanda out (Nick "Josh is calling dibs on Amanda") and Dan states his intentions re Sarah. Christian chooses to ignore Dan's warning and asks Sarah out.

As Evan is telling Vinny that his date and kiss with Carly was perfect ("explosions") she is telling the girls that the kiss was terrible and made her nauseous, "he concentrates on male boners, not lady boners." Carly is sad that she has to break it off with him but feels she has to tell him so she pulls him aside. Carly tells Evan that she is not romantically interested in him and he goes off to cry.

Evan and Christian are on a date with a lot of physicality, Zip lining and rappelling down a mini cliff...try to remember that she has only one arm - guess the boat was not available for this date.

Brandon shows up, yup he is another "who is that guy?" he even has to introduce himself to Chris. Carly is having stars in her eyes about him. Brandon takes Haley (twin) to talk, Carly says she isn't worried because Haley is boring, she gets her time to talk to Brandon and Brandon still picks the twin...this crushes Carly, maybe do not be so mean.

Back to Sarah and Christian and they are now climbing a rope bridge and zip lining some more.

They return to the house and Daniel puts the full court press on Sarah and opens up 'his sweet side' this leaves Sarah torn.

Brandon and Haley go on their date and the twins have made a plan to try and switch in between the date to test Brandon. "Brandon is confident that he can tell us apart" They swap and Brandon does not notice even after telling (now) Emily that it was an immediate attraction. In his ITM's he is telling the producers that he is into Haley...

Cut to Evan writing notes to himself to psych himself up to go and try and take Amanda from Josh, he sets up a little date spot and goes off to find Amanda, whose lips are glued to Josh...and we get the To be continued.

Bachelor in Paradise or Josh vs Nick episode however many...

We start with the cast giving Sara a slow clap for getting Chad to leave which is ironic...(is it just me?)

Chad: "F#$k you Chris Harrison. On a scale from one to F off, F$%k off" Chad in the bus home says "now I can never be the bachelor...what am I going to do?" Chad is turning into the Rick James (from Chapelle Show) of this franchise "I don't need this show/what am I going to do next?" "I shouldn't have drank that first night" followed by pouring a stiff drink, scarfs some meat "I need my meat taste" "Damn it do you know how many people I gotta kill?"

Leah arrives and a twin says "it's that lying bitch" Leah tells us that "Lace and I have become friends" cut to Lace "Here comes Leah, this is awkward, her and I don't like each other."  Leah has a date card and requests Chad, to awkward silence. They say "Chad is gone" "Okay, should I go and find him?" hahah poor girl.

The girls are talking about Leah behind her back and then pull Nick aside to flirt just before Leah takes him away for a date.
Leah says the date was great. Nick then gets his own date card hours late and Leah assumes he is going to take her, but instead he asks Amanda.
As Amanda is getting ready Leah comes in and starts to compare herself to Amanda and starts saying "Stop trying to be me Amanda" after saying they have all of the same makeup.

Amanda says "like, this is like, the best first date like I have ever been on" I know I critique the use of "like" alot and I think it was definitely her season I noticed it on the most "like it is like, every like word."

Carly is telling us that she would like Evan to be more aggressive and manly because for now she is making all of the moves, and she wants to know what kissing him is like. They finally kiss and Evan is romanticizing it and Carly on the other hand is calling it a terrible kiss, she doesn't understand how he has 2 kids with kissing skills like that.

Lace has quickly moved on from the Chad Bear to making out with Grant. Lace is telling us that she is going to make Grant want to give her the rose, then covers a bedroom camera; the the words "You have to get on top" then the words 'zipper sounds' then sex sounds, then the show cuts to crabs on top of each other then Lace's moaning then Lace "saying can you imagine if they show" just as she realizes the camera she thought was covered isn't and she points directly at it with shock.

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party:

2 girls are going home so the girls are scrambling to get face time with the guys. Sarah pulls Vinny aside to try to smooth talk him and they make out, this time is interrupted by Izzy who smooth talks Vinny and...they make out.

Leah finds out from Nick that he is leaning towards Amanda, so she goes off to find Dan. And they are making the onion layers analogy, Dan says "so you are going to make me cry" she responds, "No I am the onion so you wouldn't cry, I would cry" this causes her to pause and look like her brain is trying to reboot, Dan then says "so you are like an Orange just one layer" he is probably closer to the truth.

Roses are being given out and because Vinny gives his rose to Izzy it is down to Sarah, Leah and Jubes with Daniel picking, he says "Sarah, these guys saved the best for last" thus Jubes and Leah have to leave. Jubes is disappointed that she picked Jared when she now realizes that he is someone that would go for the identical twins. Leah just starts cursing and crying in her car ride home "I just feel like a fool, again...I'm so sick of crying, I just want to be happy."

It's a new day and Josh Andi's former fiancee shows up. The girls all start staring at him with thirst.

He uses his date card to take Amanda out on a date, and the show puts them on a boat...you might recall that Nick and Josh competed for Andi...seems like the show wants to stir the drama a bit. Josh says that Andi's 'Tell all book' about him is a fictional story. Nick says that some of the parts in the book about him are true so he suspects the parts about Josh are also true. Josh and Amanda make out, on their romantic boat trip - shocking.

Carly "Evan does give me erectile dysfunction, it is so sad" she also says that her brothers told her to stop dating effeminate guys...nice to see that Carly is still as mean spirited as ever, it works for this show. Of course the show gives Evan a date card and so he asks Carly on a date she hesitates then says yes. The date ends up with a a surprise OMCH and a bunch of random spectators are there they have to consume a habanero each and this kiss for a minimum 90 seconds to break the Guiness World record for 'Longest Hottest kiss'

Carly "Why do I always get the fu$%ed up date?" they set the record and then Carly says she needs to go throw up, she makes sure to tell us "Just for the record I threw up not just from the kiss" she is so mean!

Emily one of the twins tells us that she has big boobs is pretty and this is not her first rodeo so she gives us a voice over telling us the tricks of the trade to get a kiss, it was funny to watch it play out even if she had to force the issue.

Amanda and Josh come back from their date and Josh is rubbing it in his face that he has now gotten Amanda...Jared showing more spunk than I ever thought "Josh is taking the title of Mr. Steal your girl." The group is nothing that it is Josh vs Nick part 2.

Bachelor in Paradise returns and someone poops their pants

I am breaking out the Bachelor in Paradise Saturday morning watch while I work.

This is the barest of synopsis type recap
We start with the returning cast, Nick is actually looking good this season, I can now see why ladies seem to love him, kid dedicated himself to the gym (probably doesn't have a real job to distract him) and it shows.
Daniel is still as funny as ever, even compares himself to Herpes.
Nice to see Jubes back but the twins are still doing their forced twin talk thing.
As Evan shows up Jubes initially refers to him as the penis guy, both her and Amanda say that he looks better in person, I figured he had to.

Daniel tells us that he is a wolf and the current girls are just washed up street dogs.
Izzy shows up, if you said "Who?" don't worry so did the cast. She and Daniel start chatting and their convo goes to Evan and penises and shockingly it gets awkward.

Lace is back and immediately telling us that she is not crazy...

Jubes continues to wait for her secret hope guy it turns out to be Jared and Jubes starts to giggle like a school girl oh Jubes, he is very pretty but gurrrl you can do better.

The show hypes the arrival of the Chad Bear with menacing music and sound effects. "Daniel and Chad are definitely the first couple to hit it off in paradise." Dan tells Chad that he has higher standards than Chad.

Evan pretends to be the crocodile hunter examining Chad's bag for protein while the show cuts to Chad saying "where is my protein?" while shaking a wicker closet that is disguising a mini fridge. He finally gets into the fridge and starts going savage on some cold cuts.

Jubes gets the first date card "Choose the man you want to hit it off with" she is afraid Jared might say no to her date invitation..

Lace is already fighting with Grant in her "get drunk and ramble" way.

She then goes over to Chad and says she wants to see the soft side of Chad, which he says is boring. The group wonders if that dynamic could be explosive Vinny "Mexico is known for their hurricanes...we have tropical storm Chad and we have tropical Storm Lace...and then boom."

Chad and Lace are "kiss fighting, they are fighting with their faces" I think that was the Haley twin.
They are in the hot tub defiling it and at one point Daniel is giving it a running commentary while standing on the edge. Lace and Chad exit the hot tub but for a strong portion of the make out and exit her bikini bottom has to be blurred. Chad in his confessionals admits that Lace is the dominant force.

We cut to Jubes and Jared on their date and Jubes is gushing about him and then the Lord of the Rings, as they are talking a clown surprises them and Jubes loses her mind screaming I cannot blame her.

Izzy tells us that she is vibing with Vinny but he wont kiss her so she goes in for it herself.

Lace and Chad have gone from play fighting to actually fighting Carly calls them "the shortest couple in History" the rest of the cast is observing the train wreck with fascination. Lace says "he is mean, I am disappointed in him."

Dan is telling Chad that peeps are scared of him and Nick admits that Dan might be smarter than they all previously  thought and is right about his labels of Chad, that would be 'Hitler and Mussolini.'
Chad speaking of Sarah says "f@%k that one arm bitch" to which Dan says "enough is enough." Going into Paradise America seemed to love Chad, and in fairness we probably enabled him by letting him think that his arrogance on the Bachelorette should be rewarded. He says to Dan "let's get murdered, lets get murdered together...you are being so 'unmurdery' you are unmurdered." Dan tries to help him and Chad starts to swing at him Dan lets us know "I will punch a friend if I have to, I have done it before and I will do it again" shortly after telling Chad "I will take you down, I will take you down to Chinatown."

Chad passes out by the pool and starts snoring so aggressively that I wonder if the show piped in sound.

The next morning Chad wakes up "where the ___ is my underwear...why am I naked?"  Vinny says that apparently Chad pooped his pants during the night. He goes to rejoin the group in the morning acting as if nothing happened. He says "the only person that should be offended is Army McArmison." There is a house meeting with Obvious Man Chris Harrison OMCH asking what happened and telling Chad that he might be in trouble he asks "Is this the time to glib" and Chad responds "This is not the time to be glib, I don't know what that means." OMCH says Chad told the staff at the hotel "that they could all suck a dick." OMCH "I am sorry, I am going to have to ask you to leave" Chad's face right after those words is priceless "wow are you serious? Are YOU SERIOUS?" He then accuses Lace of engineering the exit.

Chad tries to appeal but to no avail, he smashes his sunglasses on the way out and starts to curse at the many crabs around the resort. "You sit in your robe and drink mimosas from a hundred miles away and you are going to try to make me look like a douche." Hey guess Chad thinks the same about OMCH as we all do.

Bachelorertte Finale or, Ignore everything your family says.

My DVR rejected this show, it claims that there were too many conflicting shows on at the same time but…only one other show was recorded at the same time and the DVR can record 4 shows at once…I think it chose to avoid 3 hours of this show. Weirdly even catching up with it on the ABC app was difficult, the app restarted 2xs and kept freezing, maybe my tech is trying to save me from myself?

Jojo (J) tells us that when she is with each guy she is thinking about the other. 

Jordan meets the family first and brings them all hats, J’s mom calls him very likeable but she is worried that he is a playboy. Jordan calls J his best friend? Word son, this fast – I bet your real best friend is at home like “Asshole.” The mom asks him to tell her that he will never break J’s heart, he promises her. Mom, is worried that J and Jordan (screw it I miss calling him Aaron Rodgers’ Little Bro so here we go again ARLB) are too much alike.

ARLB now has to talk to the dad, he gives well-rehearsed answers: he prepped for it like a competition, as he should. J has told ARLB that he must get her dad’s permission for her hand in marriage…he does not ask, even though J is confident that he did. 

Robbie’s turn on the lukewarm seat:

Immediately he is asked what he sees about J that he likes, I really wanted him to respond “boobs” instead he gives a gentlemanly answer. The mom calls him gentle and soft “a gentlemanly demeanor.” J’s brothers tell her they see no red flags with Robbie. The mom tells Robbie she does not want to see her daughter have a broken heart anymore. She wants to know that Robbie is willing to commit and to propose! 

Robbie unlike ARLB does ask for permission (oh you poor deluded fool, you do not stand a chance) and receives it. Now that I have finally paid attention and noticed that J’s dad’s name is Joe I see that J’s name is the feminization of her dad’s name, just took me two seasons to spot it.

J tells us that Robbie is perfect and everything her family wants for her, “but I don’t know” that is the answer of a girl who just cannot say out loud “I just want to keep banging ARLB.”  

The family is doing a post-game analysis and it is clear that the family prefers Robbie. The mom and dad outright tell J she should pick Robbie, her brother tells her that Robbie is committed to her. They let J know that Robbie asked for her hand in marriage. Then she is shocked to find out that ARLB did not ask for her hand in marriage, to the point that she gets mad at her mom. She is clearly finding ways to protect ARLB and her brother calls her out for it. J starts crying because she is the only one in her family that wants ARLB and everyone else in the family is clearly Team Robbie. 

First One on One:

Is with Robbie, even the show is setting him up, no matter what he does, ARLB gets to go after and steal his thunder. Robbie describes to her what he thinks their life will be, Food cooking in oven, kids in background, them nestling on the couch, dog by their side, then the food burning because they are on the couch lost in convo so they have to drink their sauvignon blanc with take out pizza and the kids being happier because they didn’t want the meatloaf anyway…I kid you not the kid mapped this all out on the show – methinks he came prepared.

In the evening portion he sets up candles for them to snuggle to and he tells J that he is ready to spend his life with her. J appears to regret that she cannot spend the night with him. 

One on One with ARLB:

Further proof that the show has picked its favorite, Robbie got a beach day with J, ARLB? Well he gets a date on a boat and a private cove with kayaks….sure those dates are equal! ARLB even says “when was the last time we were on a boat, was it our first date?” J calls ARLB out for not asking her Dad for her hand in marriage he spins it as, ‘He was not comfortable asking them for her hand in marriage when he knew they still had to meet Robbie.’ If that sounds dumb to you, know that it worked with J. ARLB continues and tells her he is not sure he will get down on one knee in a few days to ask her to marry him, and J tells us that she is torn. 

So for a quick recap one guy tells her he is ready and fully committed, the other tells her he is not sure and she is pulling for the guy who tells her he is not sure, and do not forget, her family does not trust the guy who is unsure. This ladies is why some guys treat you so badly, not because all men are dogs, but because some men think stupid moments like this on TV translate to how all people should be treated…it is not. 

Evening portion:

J wants ARLB to clarify his views on marrying her. He now tells her that he told everyone in her family that he wanted to marry her. J says she is devastated that ARLB did not ask her dad for her hand in marriage, she says she always wanted that moment, way too old fashioned girl. “I know that you want to be with me and I know that you do not want to lose me” J to ARLB she is finding every excuse for this kid! 

Neil Lane and his face:

Show up for the seasonal presentation of the rings. Robbie looks like he is going to cry when he has the ring presented to him to pretend that he was selecting it. ARLB calls J’s parents to obtain their blessing from afar (as if we didn’t know this was coming), the mom takes over the convo and gives the blessing…I think they have resigned themselves to her choice even before her choice is made.

J’s voice over is telling us that she has made up her mind then we see her picking up letters from both of the guys, this is new and feels like it was designed to give ARLB the chance to tell her that he asked her parents for permission, smooth move producers. 

Time to cut the fat:

Robbie arrives with a beaming smile, oh son, don’t walk to that beach! J tells him that he “looks so good.” Robbie starts to give her the spiel, I am in love, my family loves you, love from fairy tales, makes me weak in the knees, I will love and care for you forever, I have not noticed that the sun is still blazing high in the sky so I am clearly here too early to be the one who has been chosen. J at least stops him from getting down on one knee “because I cannot take that moment from you.” “I woke up this morning wanting it to be you” look it is fine to pick someone else, if you do not love someone you should not be forced to pretend, but at least just cut them without letting them know that the other guy is so much better that you had to try to force yourself to like them. “You do not get how badly I wanted it to be you.” – then why is it not him? While crying, Robbie takes it pretty well, he says he wants what is best for her, and wishes her “good luck, don’t settle.”

J says Robbie deserved to know that she loved him and that her heart is broken because he deserved to know it. Robbie is acting so smooth I think he is angling for the position of the bachelor, more power to him, try to cash those cheques! 

And now the anti-climax:

ARLB tells us that J changed him, and she is the one he wants to spend his life with. Blah, blah I love you, you love me, and great lighting, the sun is setting and ARLB is down on one knee. Again Robbie you I am sure internally had to tell yourself that they were for once letting the winner come in early but the producer in me knows that no way do they give away the bonus of the setting sun framing a ‘loving couple.’ Guess time to call him Jordan again “Jordan will you accept this rose?” He of course accepts it.

Bachelorette The Men tell all or "let's all get Chad!"

The show starts by showing us that Chad gets his own trailer. The eternally available Douche Nick is in the audience with the rest of the cast from Bachelor in Paradise. Now we begin the usual parade of listing the guys from the show and having you go "he was on it?" All the guys are introduced in a group except for 'The Chad'

A few of the guys call out Alex for going after Derek as soon as Chad left. Evan again accuses Chad of taking roids. Time for Chad to enter and he comes in doing the same bad whistling he did on the episode when he exited, we also have him trailed by a fake security guard that even Evan could beat up.

We get the recap of Chad throughout the show and it is one of the rare recaps I will watch. Chad reiterates that he wanted to punch someone while then saying he didn't want to punch anyone - reminded me of the 'Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug' skit from Chappelle Show. Chad is claiming that he has dated Grant and Robbie's ex-girlfriends since leaving the show. Nick takes his jacket off and starts to walk towards Chad and OMCH as if he wants to fight Chad; you might remember Nick as the guy who wore a Santa outfit all first episode.
Chad tells us that ARB is on the show just to be famous and that Robbie has threatened his ex-girlfriend.

Chad says if we watch the tape of the group date we will see that Evan shoved him first, Evan claims that he was trying to shake Chad's hand - on slow mo it does look like Evan did push him.

Luke is up next and I happily skip his recap: His time on the 'hot seat' was as boring as his time on the show, he seems like a fine young man, but that does not lead to drama.

Chase's turn on the mild seat: again we see that without Chad much of this season was boring. Chad's interaction with Jojo immediately devolves into him insulting both of her final 2 choices. Jojo says all the "guys treated me with such respect, outside of Chad."

Vinny the Barber's mom is in the audience asks Jojo questions directly, she looks and sounds exactly like what you would think his mom would sound like.

Bachelorette recap or "Wait you can do that in a Fantasy suite?"

We resume where we left off, the rose ceremony is progressing and ARB (Aaron Rodgers' Bro) gets Rose 1, then Robbie Rose 2 then OMCH shows up to tell us one rose remains and Rose 3 goes to Chase. Luke looks stunned. Jojo (J) walks him out and Luke says "this is not supposed to be happening" J is bawling. Luke says he had no clue that he was not saying enough. I sip some more of the Red Stripe my mom brought up from Jamaica and think 'this is the only thing good about this experience.'

J is crying so much you would think she is the one that was let go.

The Show goes off to Thailand and J quickly gets over Luke.

Robbie gets the first date:

And it is storming, so they go and get "Thai massages in Thailand." Robbie is telling J that he has been honest with her from day one. He uses his own words as proof - she knows he is honest because he told her he loves her - say what?

Going into the dinner portion J tells us that she is wary of Robbie. She brings up the fact that Ben told her he loved her last time, a lot. Robbie gives J a note that his dad wrote him basically a 'keep the faith' note as a sign that he is in it for her. This makes no sense, (even though J gushes about it) your dad writes you a personal note, you give it to the girl and that proves that you are honest? Shouldn't she be hanging out with the note writer then, if the note shows truth?
Robbie accepts the fantasy suite even before reading it (they force him to read it out loud anyway). Cut to the morning after and it is breakfast in bed time. They are both in Pajamas/lounging clothes, how did that get into the fantasy suite? Are we not adult enough to see 'walks of shame?'

ARB is up now:
J tells us that she has planned a hike for them, I bet if you asked her anything about the hike the producer would have to mouth the words to her. They claim that the hike is very strenuous but, the peeps hiking behind them seem fairly chill. The hike leads to a temple (this show has desecrated more temples than World War 2) J has to put on a shirt with sleeves and they have to follow the rules of no kissing in the temple. They claim that it is very hard to sit there and not kiss.

The evening portion and they continue talking a lot about J's family coming to Thailand, note that is the next stage not the current stage, this is basically J planning ahead for them, nothing obvious here at all. J is worried about ARB's stability he keeps saying "right now" he can be anywhere she needs him to be - He then says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and she responds with "that is what Ben said." That gets old fast!
ARB does the pretense of thinking about the fantasy suite but he of course accepts it. J tells us that she loves ARB she just is not ready to tell him.
Breakfast in bed time and again PJs

Chase completes the run of dates:
He pulls up on a scooter looking less than confident. J calls chase extra playful as they horse around in a fish market. I confess, I zoned out through much of this date portion it was boring. BUT, while we show Chase musing on the beach Robbie shows up at J's hotel room. After making out with him J then points out that she is currently on a date. Chase buddy, pack your bags.

To the evening portion; and Chase shoots himself in the foot telling J that he is scared but he still gets the fantasy suite because it is J. BUT, because it is J, Chase keeps talking and talking while in the fantasy suite and he puts doubt in J's mind. She asks him for a moment and walks off to spend some alone time. Chase is left sitting on the couch alone and he has to know this is bad. J tells him that she is not feeling it and Chase is telling her that he is shattered "now love equals get the [bleep] out?" He is pissed off and doesn't think that J gave it a chance.

J tells him that if she had met him outside of all the other relationships they would probably be together, yeah that is what a guy wants to hear. Chase starts to walk away and J runs after him crying, she basically wants Chase to reassure her, it is a bit weird. Chase cracks a beer as he enters the bus to go home "This sucks, get a fantasy suite card to be sent home, it's like pull your pants down so I can kick you in the nuts."

Rose Ceremony time:
The guys show up and meet OMCH and his pedantic questions.
J starts off the ceremony telling the remaining 2 guys that she sent Chase home and he was angry and upset and "I have not been able to stop thinking about...[trails off]" because Chase shows up at the Rose ceremony. Chase pulls J aside to go and talk to her. Both Robbie and ARB both start to dab their brows (and makeup) with handkerchiefs as Robbie begins to worry. Chase tells her he is not there to ask her to take him back, he is just there because he didn't like how their initial parting ended. I think he is just acutely aware that he does not want America to have an impression of him mistreating the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette recap or my hometown can be more boring than your hometown.

Home town dates begin and I continue to realize I am utterly bored by Jojo (J).

Number 1:

We start with Chase and he immediately starts with his sob story...he comes from a broken home, which he shares with J as they lie on a bear skin (I think) rug overlooking a snow tinged town. J is going to have to meet Chase's parents separately.
Chase's dad shows up and Chase digs into the divorce with his dad, seems perfectly reasonable to do in front of a camera and nation. The dad asks if Chase is thinking about consequences, Chase brushes that off...maybe you should listen to the man who went through a divorce!
The meeting with the mom is with a much larger family group. The divorce is the main topic of convo, J and the mom think it is why Chase might be a bit withdrawn - Imagine how much more he will be when he doesn't get picked! Chase's sister thanks him for the experience, which makes me think the production hooked up the house and the food (well we know they definitely cater the food). Chase tells J that he is falling in love with her J says "You never say stuff like that, that is how I know it is real."

Chase tells us he hates goodbyes. 

Number 2:

J goes to Chico, CA and calls it beautiful, it can be...but there are a tonne of us who live in So Cal and know that there is much more to Chico than beauty (google it).
Jordan takes her to his high school - I am always wary of people who use High School as the point of their best and most important memories. Especially the guys who were hot shot athletes! Jordan claimed he never had a serious high school girlfriend, J thinks "maybe I can be his new high school sweetheart" maybe misunderstanding that not having a serious girlfriend is not the same as not having had any girlfriends!

J constantly brings up the fact that Aaron Rodgers wont be there solidifying my belief that Jordan (Aaron Rodgers' Brother ARB) is the front runner because she wants to get close to Aaron. The mom calls ARB her "spicy child" apparently he would try to run away constantly.
ARB's mom practically cuddles with him when he tells her he likes J, I can see why Aaron would not want to be a part of this. J tells us that she stops herself from telling ARB that she loves him because she remembers how hurt she was when Ben told her those words and then rejected her.

Number 3,
Robbie in St Augustine, FL - and he and I own the same shirt - he is fitter than me but it looks better on me (take that, guy who doesn't know me from Adam).
They start off in a horse drawn carriage, the illusion that he ordered it himself is destroyed when he has to introduce himself to the coachman.
J tells Robbie that she is worried about the timeline of Robbie breaking up with his ex and then getting on the show.

Robbie's dad tells J to call him coach - let it go bro. J asks Robbie's mom if she thinks Robbie is over his ex that he just broke up with. J tells the mom that she is falling in love with Robbie. Robbie's mom warns him that the streets are talking: His ex's roomie "has made it look you broke up to go on the show." So Robbie goes and takes J away from talking to his sisters to reassure her that he is serious about the relationship with J and that he is here for wait for it "the right reasons." J asks if he broke up with his ex when he found out that he was coming on the show, J insists that he tells her the truth, he keeps repeating that it is not true. He says the relationship "was over 9 months before it actually ended." He says they had a blow up fight at the end of December and she slapped him (shame, no one male or female should ever put their hands on a partner).

Number 4:
Luke and of course he has a pickup, though it looks brand new and I want to think it is his, but I suspect rental.. They go to a massive family picnic/outing - and Luke gives a speech about how much family means to him. He seems to have a great family but this date is boring, watching grass grow might be more energetic.
It marginally gets better when he leads her into a field and takes her down a path lit by lanterns and ending in a heart made out in flowers..but it just comes across as cheesy and still lacks passion, he is a great looking guy but it all just strikes me as a guy who saw a 'Western Romantic Novel' book cover once.

The Rose Ceremony:
Is at a private Airport Hangar the forced metaphor is strong with this one. J shows up in a blue dress that looks painted on (or more accurately taped on). J cries a lot and tells us that she has to say goodbye to Luke this is said before the rose ceremony even starts! The camera keeps focusing on Luke while J pauses and holds the first rose, Luke then asks "Jojo, can I talk to you for a sec?" They go to the side and Luke tries to reassure her that he was being honest when he told her that his heart was hers, and now proceeds to tell her that he is in love with her. BUT, she only hugs him when he says that and I think he is starting to realize that she is not going to tell her the same...This causes her to walk away from him and from the group, I fear that he is going to be the next Bachelor and it is going to be such a boring season.

Dreaded - To be Continued!