Bachelorette Recap Episode one or would you like a gimmick with your show?

 

Long time readers will remember that I am in a few 'Bach-type' groups but will never admit outside of the circle of trust.

  Now we are gif fighting in one group because M-boogie and S-panties and A-baba and L-sanity and T-smoke and E-butsure (names changed to protect the identities) have challenged the notion of males getting together in a safe space to discuss a ratchet show…their version of this story will differ wildly from mine, but dear reader my version is the only true version.

 I gleefully welcome B-dizzle via his wifey to this scourge of brain cells that is Bachelor nation, at no point did I deny his entry, I simply maintained that S-bibby could not immediately request his entry on day one of her appearance…when maybe we should have swapped him out for her…just a thought…but that is not what people are ready to hear!

 Faux battles over let us get to this season:

If you believe in omens, it rained in San Diego today, I know you non-San Diegans will say "big deal it rained!" but for us in this drought land that is a bloody big deal and if I believed in omens I would say it is a sign that this season is going to be even dumber than normal.

  I still cannot shake remembering that last season after we FINALLY get (HALF of our wishes) a BLACK BACHELOR we cold opened with a white woman holding a vibrator – I would have been even more pissed if the whole season did not contain cold opens but damn it felt weird that even when we got the black Bachelor when all other seasons on their opening segments really hit us hard with who the star is/was we got a white woman not the black bachelor. And sure you might say "Cali-J it was just a small thing, and it showed us sex positivity" and I would say it is the small things that build up the bigger things and lead to an Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) fixing his lips to lecture a black woman on her own show to defend a racist.

  "I'm Katie Thurston and I'm the Bachelorette" so SHE gets to start her season as the featured entity…no cold open! The show decides to lean hard on the empathy factor for Katie. Katie reminds us that she is sex positive and kicks a tumbleweed "No dry bushes here" then coughs on the dust.

We also get the pretend makeup moment where the lead (for the men we get them pretending they are picking ties or a suit up to the last minute) pretends that she is doing her own makeup while already fully made-up.

  Connor B plays music for us in the bathtub…and tells us that he is a teacher and a musician (Shout out Jed 2.0?)

Of course the Canadian has a hockey segment and the ladies were not feeling him, but this picture of him turned it all around for the ladies of my watch party.

  Andrew S speaks German and plays football and leans into the 'I am the black guy so I will play the Carlton role'

  The gym owner from San Diego at 31 is a proud virgin.

  Justin 26 is a painter and bloody good.

  Tre is a classical musician.

Greg says he lives in NY his chyron says NJ.

Sigh, Kaitlyn and Tayshia 'sneak up' on Katie and we all pretend to be shocked.

 

"SO MUCH ANKLE" that is the consensus reply by our watch group.

  Thomas from Poway (Just say San Diego) is first out and he has that vague ambiguity of ethnicity.

  Aaron from San Diego immediately gets an "Oh I don't like him" from E.

  3 for 3 on ambiguous ethnicity with Andrew from (damn it I am not rewinding).

David is our first clear ethnicity and his ankles are so exposed that I at first thought he was wearing Brown Boots!

  Michael gives her a joke gift pretending it was a 200 year heirloom and sold the scheme well till the reveal.

  Tre jumps out of a ball pit in the back of a pickup truck.

  My fear that we are going to get too much of Tayshia and Katilyn seems to be coming through.

  Greg reminds Katie of her ex-boyfriend.

  Gabriel embraces Katie for a long embrace to help calm her? Get too close coming off of a dry quarantine? He claimed he wanted to give her one of his favorite hugs, so uhmm he ranks his hugs? He just wanted to get close, just say that bro...this dude is getting eliminated if he stays I am going to run butt naked to downtown. The deep breaths he was making while hugging Katie gave me the vibes that he would be just as comfortable if Katie was tied up in the corner as he composed a note with magazine clippings. 

  John is a bartender from Pacific Beach and I am pretty sure I have been served by him at Duke's La Jolla.

  Garrett, and Austin are generic from Cali.

Marty keeps our black train rolling.

Landon and Karl are quick attacks, so too is Josh from Miami who is also hard to place ethnically.

Andrew S feigns a British accent after pulling up in a 1920s car.

  Brandon pulls up on a motorcycle.

Kyle pulls out underwear.

An RV pulls up and Jeff a surgical skin salesman' emerges.

Speaking of emerging, a box is rolled up and everyone is waiting on someone to pop out: James another person from Cali is hidden in the box but he never pops out during the intros!

  Brendan was generic.

Marcus runs with the suit at the shin and no socks look.

  Mike the virgin rocks high waters.

Cody from San Diego is a zipper salesman and he brings out a sex doll…

Justin the artist tells Katie he likes to "stroke it out" and pulls out a paintbrush.

  Christian "I hope we can rub one out together."

  Quartney [sic] runs through as many Q words as he can and he like too many of the men tries too hard with sex puns…but somehow it works, it works so well that after Quartney walks into the house Katie fans herself and humps the air .

 "It's so mice[sic] to finally meet you" Connor the math teacher comes out in a cat suit, then scratches at the door, Katie loves it "I am a crazy cat lady."

  Andrew S gets the first one on one time and again brings up his fake British accent which Katie then tries to match.

  A guy brings a bag of minerals to show Katie, I say 'a guy' because none of us caught his name in our watch group and he was not memorable enough for us to go back.Now that he has been eliminated I found out his name is Marty, come on I do not need a spoiler alert here right? HE BROUGHT A BAG OF MINERALS TO SHOW HER ON NIGHT ONE!

  Greg another guy whose name I did not catch (at first) breaks out a macaroni necklace that he claims his niece made.

"Never would have imagined…That I would be laying in a truck full of balls" Katie joins Tre in the Truck bed ball pit (oh and it is not supposed to be a Dodge don't you dare call it a Dodge as we tape over the Dodge emblem…badly).

 

Justin the artist gets the first kiss with a cheesy painting that he says is missing the center, which would be Katie.

  Karl breaks out an impressive picture that he drew "The adventures of Katie and Swizz."

  Jeff takes Katie to the RV and it was blatantly producer sanctioned since a camera was already set up and a mini picnic BUT Katie points out "it definitely feels lived in…he had to move his dirty underwear."

  Aaron from San Diego appears to be a bit of a hothead and tells Cody that "I don't like you" now keep in mind both are from SD so maybe this is lingering beef?

  James finally emerges from the box and Katie immediately lets us know "I definitely have a crush on him." An average looking man does not take that risk to remain in a box for so much of the night.

  Katie and Connor B the cat make out so hard his cat whiskers make up gets all over Katie's nose.

  Michael tells Katie that he has a 4 year old.

  Greg gets the first impression rose.

  Rose Ceremony:

  And I give up, I will let me viewing partners take the notes over here. I just see Hunter stressing over and over and over as each new name is called.

Aaron survives, not sure why based on the little we saw; other than Aaron's are always good peeps (this dude better not kill that).

Easiest pick ever, Cody gets the final rose, no way are they letting that built in drama with Aaron go night one.

  Seven Men exit - Gabriel, Landon, Austin, Brandon, Marcus, Marty and Jeff who can just stay in his RV on property right? Not like he needs to go anywhere.