Hahaha Happy Birthday and "you cannot call your ex-girlfriend a whore"

Editor's update: Much of this was written yesterday but I did not post because of a conversation I had (with an Ex).

Happy Birthday Chica.
Let's hit the Randomize button:
- You cannot say an ex is a whore and not expect questions as to who
- Watching Lakers' games with Yau, makes the Lakers' games fun.
- Watching Lakers' games with Yau and having the Lakers LOSE make the games ENJOYABLE!
- Watching Yau's reaction while the Lakers lose is Heavenly
- Hoping the Lakers get Swept is just icing on the cake...even if half my LA friends might stab me...heck what are a few lacerations between friends?

- The Mavs and the Heat are looking like the 2 best teams, (thank goodness I picked the Heat to win it all) the rest of my bracket looks like Gas Station toilet paper, it is not even 2 ply and it looks like cardboard.

- Damn I miss riding Mountain bikes, I even more miss being fearless on the bike.
- I rode to a location that I was new to and it was only 3 miles (with traffic) and it took me 25 minutes
- I rode home from same location and now confident in where I was going did it in 9 minutes (flat road both ways before some ass tries to claim downhill)

- I am fat, I cut my ice-cream intake and gained bloody weight...you know what that means...time to up my ice-cream intake (and for me that can be breathtaking).

- This weekend's hike is going to be Bloody Fun; maybe I should warn the peeps that it is 6 miles round-trip!
- Nah most of the group are experienced hikers and badasses. Plus if anyone falls we have strong enough guys to carry them...I am looking at YOU NINJA!
- Hollywood Sign hiking seems like something everyone in LA should do...I know only a few that have ever done it.

- Unless you know the answer in advance some questions asked of exes immediately become sticky.
- I think one of my exes may have broken up with her boyfriend, I say may because last night when I asked what they were going to do for her birthday the conversation became as frosty as that Tub of Dulce De Leche that waits for me in the freezer.
- The problem? I tripped over myself trying to run away from the initial question while trying to look back to see the answer!
- I mean I have to ask the follow up right? You cannot get frosty on the first question and not at least try to scrape the glass to see what is in there.
I think part of why I was so hesitant to ask/find out was because...it really should mean nothing to me!
- After all as the Stone COLD V there is no lingering physicality to look back on forward to...
SONG BREAK:
"Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too

Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor"

BACK
- Good grief I suck at shopping for gifts.
- First I suck at even remembering to buy gifts in general, there have been countless times I have shown up at events and realized that I should have gotten a gift---I had to give my cousin cash because I forgot (granted I think cash is better, but it goes against that whole 'thought that counts' thing)
- But when I do remember I hate the shopping process; most of my friends already have too much (not playing the kid from the 3rd world card I seriously believe this). I think about getting them stuff and nothing seems needed or practical.
- Let me quickly take an ex here: I want to get her a gift but she is dating a dude; so the gift cannot be extravagant (u know like giving her windows TV or anything...yup I am taking a shot at someone here) so my plan of getting her a Blu Ray goes out the window; but it cannot be intimate either, so there goes things like jewelry or Teddy Bears or clothing of the lacy variety; I have not seen her in ages so cannot be clothing of any sort, with my luck I go too small too tight or something she no longer wears (whoops reviewing this I realized I did not put 'or too big' I swear I had it in my head to put that too); it cannot be music/dvds, cause really those are weak sauce choices and in our case she thinks her musical taste is superior to mine SHE IS WRONG and she never gives me credit for introducing her to artists Corinne Bailey Rae, Lupe Fiasco, Melonie Fiona, just to name a few...but really you can never know what music/dvds someone u have not seen in ages has.
- So now you are regulated to the simple things, things you may have heard the person likes, things they might be doing (like cooking) things that everyone needs like Soap - (especially those peeps who always seem to run out of soaps and have to turn the bottle upside down so the very last drop can come out, and then add water for that desperate morning when you have to shower before work but you forgot to hit the Ralph's or CVS that are pretty much on the same block as your work place...but I digress) or you get them things from shows you know they love
- For instance I would be lost if I had to get a gift for Yau, the kid has everything and needs nothing (and I am not getting anyone a Hooker [the idea is too demeaning to me - and comes to lingering feelings of the whole purchasing/renting a human thing, but that is a different discussion]) so I would probably just get him booze (though he is Asian and does get the flush) or just take him to a bar.
- So if I cannot buy for peeps who I am close to it is unfair pressure to ask me to do it for casual peeps
- But the obligation is still there and I honour it...when I remember it

- I have a knife by my bed
- Nope I am not a killer, nope I do not fear death or someone coming to get me. I just needed it one day to cut something and it was super helpful and now I find myself constantly using it, in place of scissors...I really need to put it back in the kitchen, I am becoming way too comfortable having a knife that close to me.
- I am surgical with the knife, not a boast just a statement of fact

- My scrabble game is improving as my tennis game deteriorates! I hope they are not related
- JT if you are reading this...I challenge you to a tennis game ASAP I need help (I will be the person wearing heavy sweats so no one can see my body).

FINISHERS
- Hopefully I make it up to SF in a week and a half
- It looks like a glorious summer
- I miss my lifting buddy
- Ice cream is good for you
- Snickerdoodles are tasty
- Express gyms SUCK
- Vodka in a water bottle is not crazy, (look up the Russian word for water)
- And damn one of my exes sometimes looks like Eliza Dushku, dances EXACTLY like her, and sometimes acts just like how you probably pronounced her last name!

Selah

Talked to my ex for 1hour and 28 minutes and country music

And...it was illuminating. I actually enjoyed the conversation and it made me realize we do not talk enough...which of course is part of why we are exes. Anyway on to the Hodge-podge:

- I have been working out like a fiend, I discovered that I have gained 42lbs since last July. Everyone who hears it says "That is because you were comfortable" that is just an overly nice way of saying "You let yourself go". The fault is mine, it is nice to blame others but the fault is mine, just because others do not like the gym, does not mean I can then sit on my butt knowing that since I do not diet, I have to work out.

- Because of the weight gain, I have been busting my ass in the gym, and I am paying for it. I now have a horrible case of plantar fasciitis. It is so bad, that stepping out of bed causes severe pain. I cannot run, I cannot even walk on the treadmill, no elliptical, the only thing I can do cardio wise is spinning which leads me to:

- 3 Out of 4 of my spinning instructors this week played COUNTRY MUSIC...look I like maybe even love country music in small doses and I know it is bloody popular, but it was extraordinary to me to hear it so often used in a situation where I am used to hearing pop music, rap, or techno.

One of the instructors more than half the music was country, it really is hard to work up a lather when hearing about a girl leaving someone (yup I am generalizing the music).

The one however that cracked me up the most, played country music, then followed it with Justin Bieber (hope I got that right, I am too lazy to look it up), the thing is I was so damn happy to not hear country any more, I found myself bobbing along and enjoying the song, whereas normally when I hear that song, I put it out of my mind.

- It is summer time in Hermosa, yup, I know in the rest of the world it is still Spring, but for us...it is SUMMER and I am loving it!

- Of course now that I am 42lbs over-weight, maybe I should not enjoy the summer so much.

Biz markee sing the hook for me

"You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby"

We all sing along to it, we all chant it, we all love it. But damn it sucks when you think it fits your situation. I have a friend who is in a bad situation, he has a girl, he likes the girl, they seem good to the outside world, she seems to miss him when he is gone BUT, she has a friend who keeps calling/texting and basically creeping.

Now I do not know what to tell him. Violence is not supposed to be the answer but I am almost inclined to tell my friend to smack around the guy that is supposed to be 'just a friend'. Whenever my friend leaves his girl for even a few days, she has dinner with the other guy. He hit on her once he found out she was dating my friend (she shot him down), but it gets better: he hit on her WHILE trying to get with her best friend. It seems wrong, like me my friend is not the jealous type, but I suspect that maybe we are too lackadaisical when it comes to relationships. In fact, maybe my boy's girl should no longer be friends with the sleazy guy. And yup I dub him sleazy, looking back at all the things he has done, I feel slimy just typing about him so I cannot imagine meeting him in person.

But, I could be wrong, maybe all of my suspicions are because I am only hearing my friend's side of the story...maybe! However, I do think that if a girl were hearing about a girl doing all these things to her boyfriend there would be HELL to pay!

I at least hope he got some good pictures out of it...that's right, pictures!!!

“Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage” (though, the horse and carriage concept is a bit outdated…I’m not saying, I’m just saying

So this is dangerous territory, writing about the fairer sex at a rapid pace and not pausing to think about your words can never be safe (rarely PC) and can lead to fun interactions, but oh well, LETS DO IT!!

A couple of my really close male friends are getting married, and they have both asked me to be in their weddings…it shows the state of my mental deficiency/incapacity/reluctance to accept that friends would get married or that they would want me in their weddings that the first words to both of them were not congratulations but “ARE YOU SURE?” Now do not get me wrong, I went on to congratulate them (sadly Greg had to prompt me on his…My Bad!), and I do think they are doing the right thing (I kid you not I actually wrote wrong thing and had to go back and change it…even my fingers will not come around to the idea) getting married, I just still have moments where marriage seems like an immense leap.

I applaud relationships, I think they are ‘great I think a man is not whole until he finds himself that special someone. But for some reason I still pause when I hear the word marriage…especially amongst my friends!!! Does it say something about the circle I am in? Does it say something about me? For instance, if Assassin right now told me he was getting married I would immediately ask him “When is the baby due?” That is WRONG, yet, 100% predictable.

As a group my friends seem so incapable of staying in lasting relationships that I guess I find it hard to believe that any of us are capable of doing the right thing…but, (and depending on the girl that could be a BIG BUTT [sorry cannot help myself]) I find myself in a relationship and I THOUROUGHLY enjoy it, she is a wonderful girl, treats me right (sometimes) great cook, witty, smart, sexier than anything you have and willing to put up with me (bonus), may it last forever.

How did this happen? I know I had no control over this, in fact I was floored to find out I was in a relationship and that too is part of what inspired this blog: MEN ARE BLOODY IDIOTS, REALLY WE ARE MORONS. I never understand guys that act like they are God’s gift to women, in reality we are LUCKY when they choose us because never mistake it, they choose us. Yeah there might be that random moment when some random quick fling daggering occurs, but when it comes to a long term relationship, they CHOOSE us, we might think we are ‘settling down’ but nope, she has made us stay home.

Is this why men cheat? Are they trying to break away and assert independence, kind of like that docile dog that one day just bites someone? Are they just trying to prove that yes you dressed me up in a pink sweater even though I have fur (you made me wear that sweater vest) and yes I allow you to walk me with a rhinestone studded leash (I went shoe shopping and kept my mouth shut) and yes you gave me a poodle cut even though I am a bull dog (yes I think it is awesome when you tell me how much of a ‘slut’ my ex-girlfriend is) I still have teeth (I have the ability to hook up with others). I swear as I type this I got this IM from Assassin (we are discussing that some cute girl is visiting his home and I called him an unflattering term for promiscuous persons: “ meh... she's here with her bf... eye candy only” - - The leash is on but he is fighting it.

My old roomie, settled down and is happy, I envy that. I want that, I like that he and his wife are making it work. Love is important, it is necessary it is hard to attain. Don’t believe me? Read on dear friend read on. I have a really good friend who seemed to have it all, his girl was making bank, he had a decent job, they had a house, they were together for years (anything over than 2 to me feels like a de facto marriage) the marriage seemed like it was inevitable but, it did not happen. Now when I first heard they broke up I thought to myself, “Dating for over 3 years, why bother to break up now?” Problem is, he was cool with how things were and ‘she’ wanted more. A relationship cannot work if one party is just ‘ok with the status quo’. In her words he needed to ‘get it together’ and while I want to disagree with her…I cannot. After three years I guess you really have to walk down that aisle or walk away from each other.

Amantes sunt amentes (lovers are lunatics):
“It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?” F the pain away by Peaches (other lyrics too raunchy)

I like asking my friends this very simple question: “HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX SOBER?” Now this does not mean blind stumbling drunk just whether the first time they had sex with someone, some alcohol was involved. The results are rarely pretty. In fact (since I am a huge fan of train-wreck theater) the results are awesome. One friend replied with, “I cannot have sex sober”. Think about it in your own life, I am not asking you about the 20th time you and your significant other engaged in sexual congress I am asking about the first time. One of my colleagues (momentary discretion here, no names) has had sex with at least 18 girls and has never had Sex Sober! Strange world we live in, that an act that comes naturally to many, and is desired by many seems to require alcohol as lubrication to grease the wheels. (Some of you can substitute high, for alcohol here and the premise remains the same)

“I hate my girl man, I am going to break up with her”
“Dude I am going to marry her, I love her man”
“Man, I need to leave her”
“She is such a bitch” [2 hours later] “Ok everything is ok now, I love her”
“Should I break up with her?” “Why won’t you tell me what you think?”
“She wants to live together” [she had previously planned to leave the city]
“You just do not understand man, she is just bitchy sometimes, otherwise we are cool”
--All of the above came from one friend over a 6 month period about his girlfriend. This is why I sometimes wonder what has become of my life, if my friends are this crazy, what does it say about me that I am still friends with the lunatics? Like clockwork every week he and I talk about how much he hates her or how much he loves her and yet he will never leave her…this cannot be healthy!

Can a girl stay in a relationship if she does not control all of it? I do not know, I am not trying to spout off, I just do not know. I watch my female friends and they seem to become flustered if they are not fully in control of the relationship (not controlling the guy, that is something else). I joked with a friend and asked her “How is the hubby?” when inquiring about her bf and she freaked out, apparently others had been making that joke recently and she was not prepared for such jokes…hmm Why? I know this blog is filled with questions, but I am just free flowing here and I realize just how little I know about a creature that I have hunted for the last 16 years of my life.

I am friends with all of my exes, I may not talk to most of them, but I am at least friends with them. So many people I know cannot abide to be anywhere near their exes and I find that strange, because at some point you must have been attracted to them, have been compatible with them, what went so wrong that you cannot even be around them? I have an ex that I even think cheated on me (may she R.I.P.) but I have never actually confronted her with it, preferring to go with the Mario Winans “I don’t wanna know” attitude.

However, (and you have to say that aggressively) I cannot abide hearing about any of my exes dating NONE OF THEM, even the ones that I just dated for a short span. So far none of my exes have gotten married; none have become pregnant (well…) or acquired kids. I do not want to date any of them again, yet I cannot stomach the thought of any of them getting married????? I am a weird guy, I am not naturally jealous and I am not selfish, in fact I have a hard time saying no (and friends use this to their advantage, I might as well open up a pro-bono moving company). Yet for some reason I do not want to think of any of ‘my girls’ with other people. I am not naïve and I even understand the science behind the body, but I still pretend that all my girlfriends are virgins, long may they remain pure!

A colleague mentioned to me that he recently re-connected with his ex-wife and he was torn about the fact that she had produced seed and was dating a guy that did not look as good as him (his judgment not mine). I could tell that he was torn up by it, and he came to me for advice, the thing is, I completely understood it, even though it was his ex-wife he still did not want to see her changed.

So many guys hope for their exes to become fat and ugly after they break up, that is the last thing I want. I would never, ever want someone I dated to become ugly, I want to always look back with no regrets, and if ‘she’ ever became ugly I would have to wonder what I saw in her.

Finally, believe it guys, we have no control, NONE, the moment you accept that, you will enjoy your relationships more. Girls dress for each other, not for you. You are barely window dressing on the house; when they take you shopping, you are not there to approve outfits you are there to either talk to them or to make you feel like you are included and have a say (you have none, my girl actually told me that to my face…I already knew it).

I should re do my business cards and on the back put:
“To all male clients please practice saying these words:
- You are right, I am wrong
- Those look great
- Anything you want
- Sweet, I would love to do that
- No, this game is not that important
- I think your sister is pretty [use for an escape moment when you really, really want to get out of the relationship]
Selah,

June 13th = a very good saturday

Test drove a Kia for 5 minutes it lead to a $20 gift card at Korean market. If you have ever been to the Asian market you will know that $20 will put you in food for 2 weeks or more. In my case I wanted a $20lb sack of rice, some booze, some veggies, some meat, some fruit and some seasoning and I only paid $3 thanks to the test drive!!! Good times. And it all started because I flirted with this cute girl in the store and she let me know that free money was being given away.

Assassin and I then stopped at bev mo, grabbed some 'scotchy scotch scotch' and drank to start the afternoon while I grilled 1lb burgers!!!

But the drinking was NOT enough to stop us from playing tennis for 2 hours, it might however be the reason why we completed only one set despite playing for TWO HOURS!!! The game finally ended at 11-9 one set, the second set will be played later today.

Then it was time to go see the hangover; despite the fact that the movie started at 8 and we were still at my crib at 8...but the day was going too well, so of course we made it to the movie just as the final waste of time trailer/ad rolled BONUS.
We drank scotch throughout the movie...then ran to the Loo at the end of the movie (very funny movie, go see it!). Not the best plan to drive home after the movie so we walked into UP since it had been getting rave reviews...I can see why.

Finally made it back to the crib, more scotch, quick walk to the bars. Met a girl who was giving me the 'eye' I FROZE, I mean I completely lost the skill to step to her. Sand Assassin gave me the look of shame (then he froze later when meeting a hot chick...Hahah SUCKER!!!!) Finally screwed up courage at the 2nd bar. Now unwinding, it was a good day/night. Hopefully the Lakers lose later and neither SA or myself dies of alcohol poisoning or the pharmaceuticals that we may or may not have accidentally mixed in with them.