Much of this show feels like the rap scene in ‘Teen Witch’ it’s so cringe but I cannot look away and if you do not immediately remember what scene I am talking about take the two minutes to bless your life - https://youtu.be/oxxBXpnn2Jw
We start with way too much talking about the Dodgeball game and little action, feels like Clare knows she may have pushed some boundaries as she asks one of the generics if it was okay.
Yup I was correct about Yosef he makes a couple good points then adds in 20 misogynistic, stupid, insulting points and so you just immediately realize that his good points are accidental, not from a place of goodness. Yosef does not actually care that the dodgeball game was shameless and unnecessary; he cares that it might make HIM look bad. Yosef does not care that Clare might have bad methods but good intentions he cares that the bad methods do not improve his chances.
Yosef tries to gaslight but gaslights like Trump tries to be intellectual, he tells you he can do something, but then immediately shows you he cannot! Bro, we get it Clare is the oldest Bachelorette but saying “I expected more from the oldest Bachelorette” does not prove your point, it proves that you resort to trying to cut someone down rather than build them up.
Let’s just say what Clare did at the dodgeball game was the worst thing in Bachelorette history (it was not) the move is to help her though it, not attack her.
“You’re completely classless Clare” Yosef, that is not class, again see above he tries to act like he is prim, but he cannot be proper. Clare recycles the line she used with Juan Pablo that she would not want him to be the father of her child; which is fine because it seems like the show recycled Juan Pablo as Yosef …maybe single dads should not be on the show when Clare is involved.
Clare collapses into Dale’s arms for comfort…this show is over.
I kind of want SNL to take a shot at parodying this, but can they improve on the ridiculousness that is already here?
No shocker Clare cancels the cocktail party, she is mad at Yosef and in love with Dale, she doesn’t care about any of the other guys…time to stop pretending.
I am genuinely confused that these guys let Yosef leave and no one hit him with a “Try Jesus, not me ‘cause I throw hands” – Tobe Nwigwe
I had to switch to the BET Hip hop awards for a second because messing around with this show nearly caused me to burn my béchamel sauce. Mulatto just performed from Magic City…2020 is wild.
Back to the ratchet that is the Bach, it is ROSE CEREMONY TIME:
Dale gets the first rose and one of the guys looks shocked…maybe he has not been paying attention.
Did Eazy’s accent change in between his time with Clare and his ITM?
Some of the guys who got roses give interviews like they were let go “wish her the best” etc.
OMCH comes in to the guys the next morning to tell them to trust the process, because “light will shine on you” and tells them the process works; OMCH please tell me who the last 4 Bach/Ette’s are with? This process works like a lazy man’s diet, yeah they are on it but nothing comes of it.
Clare is acting like a school girl (this might be why the show is always harping on her age because they think you might forget based on how she acts; she is hanging out with DeAnna (Bachelorette Season 4) and Clare brings out Dale’s ripped pants and sniffs them! I would never eat food from Clare’s house.
Clare finally meets up with the guys to tell them that the day date has been scratched “because it is getting late” and she wants to just have an extended cocktail party – this news leaves a lot of guys scared. Dale is feeling safe “honestly when I get quality time with her it’s a wrap.”
I think we should talk about the clear case of flooding that must have been obviously happening at La Quinta based on how many ankles I am seeing as these guys walk up for the group date. Clare is looking stunning in her Palm Dessert socialite outfit.
Dale takes control of the group and declares he wants to spend time with her first and pretends that he cares about what the other guys think “I do not want to be disrespectful” then forces the group into a group hug before he takes Clare off…she takes him to her private quarters.
“Why are you so perfect?” Clare says as they lie on her bed, and proceed to put hands all over each other.
Cut to the main house and Zach J gets the solo date
Back to the makeout session, cut to the guys on the date and apparently Dale and Clare have been gone “for an hour.” Guys start looking around for Clare and Eazy goes to Clare’s quarters and finds Dale and Clare there (he can hear them giggling as he waits outside the door) when Clare invites Eazy in, he finds Dale lounging in the living room like a ‘Lord of the Manor’ then Eazy has to awkwardly stand there as Dale and Clare clearly have this moment of “lovers caught” it is so blatant and maybe it is because I am older and wiser now, but if I were Eazy I would have just left the room, that would have been easier.
Clare sends Eazy back to the main group while she says to a producer “can we like kind of hurry it along.” We then see guys tripping over each other to try to get time with Clare and as they keep coming up to interrupt each other, it feels clear that the producers are sending them in. Dale interrupts another guy’s date and pretends that he just accidentally walked through the door that was clearly and obviously not a bathroom door. Dale stands there blatantly waiting for the other guy to leave while pretending that he does not know what to do. Finally one of the guys (Chasen) goes to interrupt Dale and Clare and Dale keeps his back to him and edges against the wall towards the door, which is usually the universal sign of hiding a stiffy.
Dale tries his pretense of “I just went to the bathroom” and went through the wrong door “looking for everyone” Riley calls him out with “I can see the bathroom from here.”
Dale gets the group rose and this looks like we are close to a mutiny. Clare abruptly says “I am going to bed have a good night guys” that rapid move makes me think a personal massager is about to come into play.
Next morning Clare comes in raving about getting so much sleep “I’m a new woman” that massager must have worked wonders.
ONE ON ONE:
Zach J goes off on his date while Clare raves to us about Dale.
Yosef is probably somewhere yelling “I knew it”
The date is a Spa day, and Zach appears very uncomfortable. Zach tells us that “I am a very high strung guy” it is clear bro. Clare tells us that Zach J’s nervous energy is stressing her out, and she wishes “Dale was here.”
Cut back t o the house and there is a rumor that Clare and Dale had been in contact prior to the show.
Back to the date and I just watched one of the most awkward non-kisses I think I have ever seen on this show, that then led to me nervous for a second; Clare leans in to kiss Zach, then stops probably an inch from Zach’s lips (Clare claims Zach pulled away, I had to rewind to make sure that my eyes did not deceive me he definitely did not lean back, but then had to fast forward again because I cannot look at him grabbing her again and feel comfortable) and the kiss is not completed. Clare says “Zach just made me extremely uncomfortable” she is right to feel uncomfortable after the grab, but I definitely think she is wrong that he pulled away, but everything after that moment put Zach in a terrible light that he helped cast on himself. Uncharitable to think Clare was going to kiss Zach then suddenly realized she only wanted to kiss Dale?
OMCH shows up to dinner in place of Clare and Zach’s face registers the shock. I do not think Clare could keep him after that moment in the pool, I am torn on how to feel, I want to hope that his grabbing and holding of Clare was a man just seeking to recreate a moment because he was in shock, but the behavior was definitely worrying.
GROUP DATE:
Date card said “don’t take it personally” many of the guys express happiness that Dale is not on the date.
Margaret Cho is here to help the guys write roast jokes? The rest of guys from the house will be the audience which makes the date guys unhappy because it means Dale will be there. Bennett has some self awareness that he might be a target “for dressing ridiculously.” Bennett was right, Margaret Cho immediately goes after him, and the very next guy Ben, goes after him also.
Clare starts to worry that all the guys are going after Dale and is wondering if there is something she needs to know, you can see her face starting to fall as more and more guys attack Dale. Bennett goes in on Dale and the guys love it, right up to and through his literal mic drop! Clare immediately gets defensive about the actions of the guys toward Dale she whispers to the producers “That wasn’t funny.”
Evening portion:
Clare comes back to the guys and pretends that she enjoyed the roast; she first pulls Bennett to the side and starts questioning him about Dale. Bennett says he doesn’t want to spend more time on Dale but Clare keeps pushing the questions. In her ITM Clare says “It’s crazy how Dale was not even technically on this date today and this date was still about Dale and I” exasperated hands in the air, as if she is not the reason for the Dale conversations.
Clare questions every guy about what Dale has been saying
and their feelings about Dale. I am surprised that during the date the show did
not run a chyron saying “Clare 39 years old.” The guys on the group date are starting
to wonder if they should even be on the show anymore. Bennett tries to be a
voice of calm to the guys as they panic that Clare is only into Dale.
Clare grips the date rose in between both hands “I actually did not get what I
needed from you guys” and tells them that she cannot give out the date rose.
This leaves the guys feeling like they just wasted their time. Clare as she
walks back with her producer says “I really don’t think I can sit there and go
you dished on my FIANCE so hard.”
Preview for next week “What is Next?” and Tayshia rises from the water dripping like a juicy snack (that is what you want us to think right producers?)
The outtakes show Clare roasting the guys and looking like a hypocrite re their jokes about Dale.
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