Pandemic Bachelorette Episode 1

 

The Bachelorette returns, RETURNS…but is it singular?

 

The 'coming up on this season' features the thing that got me into this show (I still blame my friend E [promise you not the drug]) all the delicious crying. Sometimes I wonder if I am an emotional sadist when I delight so much in TV tears.

 

Having Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) try to explain to us how corona impacts our life features his harsh transition from depth to shallowness "as you can see I am not at the usual Bachelor mansion" earning that Obvious Man title off the bat – he will never lose that title.

 

We go to the pretense that Clare does not expect the call from OMCH as she has a whole camera crew in her bedroom with her while she talks to Chris via her (at the time) brand new iPhone. We get all the behind the scenes promo build.

 

We get to see Clare's struggles during the pandemic and something that made me pull back and cringe and I know would make my entire Jamaican family yell "that's nasty" Clare washes her dog IN THE KITCHEN SINK!

 

If you have ever stayed at La Quinta Resort & Club you will remember that it is HUGE, it is hard to explain the scope if you have never stayed there because you hear the words 'resort & club' but more accurately it should be described as 'La Quinta town' the thing is expansive, I am sure there were people staying there that had no idea the show took over a significant portion of the 'resort' because it is that large.

 

We get to see some of the steps that were done to get the guys through their quarantine periods to get to see Clare.

 

While OMCH and Clare have a sit down I work on my stretching exercises, then they get to the part where Clare has not watched the DVD that her dad left her while he was dying, 'to watch with the man she is going to marry'…I know it is sentimental and her dad's heart was probably in a good place but look at the emotional trauma it has wrought. I tell people when they ask me about wills and legacy gifts that it is not a good thing to leave the living with instructions as you leave this mortal coil.

 

Looking at the ages of many of these guys I am confused by the casting process for this 39 year old woman, so many feel like boys (and I am loathe pointing out her age after some of the preview material, but this is purely for objective purposes re casting). It is not impossible for a 39 year old to find love with a 20 year old but there is a stronger chance for them with a 30 year old or someone in their 40s, I do not think a single man on the show is older than Clare? Not counting OMCH…obviously.

 

The first guy out the limo is Ben at 29 and I already think that is pushing the lower bounds in age and I know he is not the youngest!

Riley is 30 "as an attorney it is my job to help the jury find the verdict and in your case you would be found guilty as charged for looking beautiful in this dress" sigh I hate when lawyers make me feel bad about my profession on this show…he clearly rehearsed the line and he was not smooth with it.

 

I am trying to decide if Clare is short or if these guys are giants, the show always tends to skew tall but this batch seems exceptionally tall.

Jason for his gimmick pretends to be pregnant as an "homage to" when Clare pretended to be pregnant in her first appearance on Juan Pablo's season.

 

The fashion of the day seems to be to cut the pants really flood water high, I am seeing a lot of ankles.

One guy rolls up in a loaded station wagon, followed by a guy rolling up in a rolls Royce (Bennett a wealth management consultant) wearing a scarf (in the La Quinta desert heat he has to be dying in that scarf).

 

As the intros continue the guys are sweating, nervous and awkward; one squeezes Clare's hands so hard that her rings dig into her finger.

 

Eazy jumps through a paper banner saying "your future husband" he is a sports marketing agent at 29 and initially I was going to frown on that name 'Eazy' but that is just a nickname since his real name is Uzoma.

Jay showed up in a straitjacket because 'he has gone crazy" waiting to meet her.

Immediately followed by Chasen 31in a suit of armor which he takes off because "I just shredded my armor for you."

 

Demar 29 shows up dragging a parachute because he has "fallen for you"

Ed 36 shows up in a bubble because "I heard your journey was taking place in a bubble."

 

Multiple people bring snacks.

 

After meeting Dale 31 'former pro football receiver' Clare gets emotional and tells the camera "I knew it…I definitely felt like I just met my husband" Clare you are too old and have been on this show too many times to be saying that off a single first impression and hug. I have to wonder if the "I knew it" came from her being home during the downtime because of Covid and her googling and researching the guys.

 

Seriously there must have been reports of expected flooding, these pants are flirting the line of being shorts.

 

The guys all jockey for time with Clare and then OMCH brings out the 'first impression rose' and many guys start to panic.

 

Tyler C. tells some of the guys and us that he knows some background information about Yosef - apparently he has been talking to women on the internet while he was waiting for Clare's season to resume. Tyler confronts Yosef about it and Yosef claims "I don't remember that." Yosef thanks Tyler for telling him about his suspicions, then Yosef immediately pulls Clare aside to try to head it off at the pass, but Clare decides she wants Tyler C there for the talk too. Tyler says that Yosef was sending out mass messages of "Hi, Good morning…beautiful" which immediately made me think about a friend of mine who does that. Clare asks Yosef if he has done what he is accused of and he immediately side steps claiming he would be smoother than that…"Do I have a girlfriend? No." Not really the question though but hey good look with that strategy. Clare decides she does not want to waste time figuring it out so she leaves them to figure it out themselves.

 

Clare pulls Blake aside to say that while he broke the shows rules of not messaging her and he was the "only man that did that" it meant the world to her "taking risks" he is rewarded with a kiss. Blake's chyron says 29 maybe it is his beard but he looks much older.

Dale gets the first impression rose and a kiss, but let us be honest, he was getting that rose from the parking lot when Clare started glowing.

 

OMCH comes in and Clare expresses concern that she did not get to meet all the guys before her decision is required…while the camera still shows us that clown wearing the straitjacket.

 

Rose ceremony time:

And it is the seasonal parade of "I do not recognize this guy" as the first roses are handed out. It is brightly streaming daylight as the ceremony is going on, while Demar is giving his "I hope I get this rose" ITM the sun is beaming down. You can tell that the rose ceremony went on for a long time because the shadows on the guys as they wait on the platforms start to shift. 

 

Straitjacket gets a rose and we do not see how he receives it but when he is back in line its pinned to the top of the jacket.

 

While the ceremony proceeds we get a tonne of Yosef ITMs telling us how guaranteed he and Clare are "Clare and I are Barbie and Ken" then as OMCH enters to say "gentlemen this is the final rose" thanks Chris, Yosef looks freaked out BUT…he gets the final rose. Tyler C does not get a rose and you can see the wheels turning in his head. One of the guys that is leaving is heavily tatted and you can tell not only because his hands are covered but because he has his shirt open practically to his belly button to show off a chest tat, he is also one of the many preparing for the floods.

 

Conspiracy theorist time, a lot of men of color have been kept this season…and I think it was for another reason than just Clare