I keep waiting to see Tom Selleck pop out and start talking to Clare because "a reverse mortgage is not something designed to take your home, but Clare this show has told me you are very old and running out of time…wait you are under 40? Someone get my agent!"
The 'Previously on' does not make me think any more favorably of Clare's judgment.
Spa La Quinta continues to get its shine on. I know I have been spoiled because I have never lived in a cold region, but some of these guys are really speaking about this resort like it is heaven.
OMCH comes in to remind the guys about all the steps they have taken to get to see Clare and says "obviously there is a lot going on in the world" I told you he will never lose his OMCH title.
First Group date time and of course Dale is on it:
The Bach franchise is big on 'love languages' so this date has a Romeo and Juliet theme where Clare is in a faux window like Juliet and the guys look up at her like Romeo and doth protest their intentions.
As some of the men hang out by the pool they see the guys on the group date running back to grab gifts for Clare and to also show us how broish the guys are. Of course right after I think that, the first gift that is presented is the queen piece from a chess set.
The second is a baseball…bro?…then…from the last game he ever played…bruh?…you are an idiot, you kept that ball since 2012 and just give it away for this?
The next love language is physical touch…so Clare puts on a blindfold and they 'do over the shirt stuff' Clare tells us that she is starving for touch…this 'test' is unfair to guys who are not extremely tall or extremely short because Dale for instance is the tallest one on the date so he is easy to distinguish and the shortest guy on the date will be easy to distinguish.
Clare does not even try to pretend that she is not horny, her voice even cracks as she points out "like a 12 year old pubescent boy." GET THAT WOMAN SOME FLUIDS SHE THIRSTY!
In the evening portion of the group date the guys all hesitate to get time with Clare alone. Bennett finally goes first and immediately brings up Harvard. While on the date Clare asks "why didn't the guys step up…did you guys want to bro out?" So Clare decides she needs to talk to the guys as a group because she is confused as to why no one made a move to talk to her.
She tells the group that she was hurt by their hesitation, Yosef says he will speak for the group which is immediately shot down. So now of course that Clare has called the guys out many guys speak up to reassure her. Proving why the guys did not want Yosef to speak for them he says "You are crazy to think" that the guys are not here for Clare...immediately causing Clare's eyes to widen.
"If you speak a fact, it is still true"- 'wisdom of Yosef.'
Date card arrives and Jason gets the first one on one and reacts with…mild.
Clare may be beginning to realize it, she seems to have a group of guys that just want to be on the Bachelorette, I am not sure they are here FOR the Bachelorette.
Tom Selleck is stroking his moustache in anticipation as Clare says "I know I am not the youngest girl in the room" I am really terrible at learning the names of people on this show this early in the season one of the black men in his alone time with Clare simulates a prom date and it gets him a kiss. I found out his name is Riley when he won the group date rose to the angry stares of other group date peeps. Riley is a big fan of the size Smedium shirt.
Jason before his date with Clare is given instructions to write a letter to his younger self…we get it Clare (but really the producers) you are older. MR. SELLECK SIT DOWN THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME.
Showing off just how huge La Quinta is Jason and Clare go off into the 'wilderness' for their date.
For cathartic release, I guess, Clare and Jason let off screams into the desert.
Jason says "this is the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE" when told to write down things "that we have been told about ourselves in our lives that have hurt us"…"Lord grant me the strength to have the confidence of a mediocre white man" if this is the scariest thing, you have had a life of privilege.
Clare for one of her things says "hard to love" and Jason responds with "can't love" for his…bro, read the room.
Moment of honesty, much of this was BOOOOOORRRRRING, it is too early in the season for me to care about this level of introspection (in general I probably will not care at any point in the season), this pop psychology is a tad bit too weird and not great TV.
Clare says "there is nothing that scares me" like we have not seen many clips of her saying "I am so scared."
Clare exhibits a bit of Pilot Pete in her when she says there is nothing sexier than a vulnerable man…If she starts demanding people cry to show their love I am going to think Peter pulled a Whoopi Goldberg Ghost move.
Second group Date:
Date card says - "Looking for a man with some balls" Sigh, I cannot imagine how this goes if we reverse this and have the Bach be the one sending a date card like that and because I do not even think in such reductive terms I am struggling to think what the female interactive 'emasculation' would be.
There is a scene of Clare ineffectively pretending to dodge dodgeballs all thrown gently at her feet.
But if you think the above "look for a man with some balls" was mild, the show knows what to do to make this even dumber.
Clare announces before the game that it will now be strip dodgeball for the competing men, notice she is NOT in this game…as above I ask you to reverse this; IMAGINE A BACHELOR TELLING THE LADIES ON HIS SHOW THEY ARE PLAYING "STRIP ANY SPORT" I already cringe when Bach or ette do those faux artistic shoots or yoga healings or naked bungie jumping (again a Bachelorette created this) but this is too blatant.
After the game the losing team (the Blue team) has to parade in front of Clare…I think this show might have been shut down if (because this was the final part of the stipulation) women were told after losing that they had to walk home 'naked' to their quarters.
If you need further proof about how bad and producer driven this situation is, the naked guys have to first interact with the men remaining at the house then do ITMs trying to hide their privates by hand like Blake as he tells us he feels like he is losing.
Blake decides that he needs to make a bold move so he goes and puts on some clothes and walks back in to try and steal some time with Clare, he asks the guy who is with Clare "can I steal her for just a second" and the guy who was with her (not pretending I know his name) reasonably says "didn't you lose?" Clare looks shocked at the question, and Blake looks like a struck puppy that someone would reasonably stop him from doing just what he wants.
Blake wants to prove to Clare "that I have big balls" and this does not go over well with the other guys who surround him to confront him as he buries his face in his hands, Clare protects him by asking to have a minute more with him. As Clare hugs Blake goodbye he tries to go in for a kiss and gets the hand to the chest block of death, he immediately dies a little inside.
Once Clare goes back to the winning group the first guy shoots himself in the foot when he admits that he only came on the show because he found her beautiful, "I am here to find love and I am here to find someone to start a family of my own" sure dude. In a night where Blake completely makes an ass of himself, Brandon somehow topped it by being unable to even lie about why he was on the show. How do you go on a dating show and not have something queued up better than her looks?
Chasen wins the group date rose, and I only know his name because Clare said it to present the rose.
I am cocky enough to think that if you read this blog you are smart enough to understand the concept of correct message, wrong messenger, and how tone can affect the understanding of a statement…I now present to you Yosef: He is 100% correct that it was a bad look in what happened to the guys who had to get naked because of a dodgeball game, but so far his tone is not the best.
Cocktail Party:
Clare pulls Brandon aside as the first guy to talk to (while she does this many of the men are assuming that she is going to send him home), she reassures him that what he did was something she liked, sigh, I want to root for this woman, but she sometimes reinforces some really bad behavior. Clare is such a fan of what Blake did that she preemptively gives him a rose. When Blake returns to the group of guys wearing his rose Eazy says what they are all thinking. "I just think from this moment on, moving forward no Rules of Engagement, we just go for it" this is what you created Clare!
Clare finally gets to what she really wants…Dale. As Dale is talking Clare says "Can I kiss you for a little though" and grabs his head, she even gets Dale a gift – It is one of the blindfolds from earlier when they were working on 'love languages' and Clare blindfolds him so they "can work on more physical touch."
'Bloopers'
We get a tour of Bennett's 'Chateau' and all his extra creature comforts…it is good to be rich.
No comments:
Post a Comment