Tayshia (“Tay”) “I am still riding the high of hometowns last week” you know where she stayed in her same hotel suite and the show riskily brought in the families of the remaining three guys.
The show has the guys all pose around fountains and look off into space as we get Tay’s voiceover talking about the challenges she will face in deciding who to pick…if the Bach had licensed music and played some R&B below this footage you could easily convince me that this is a 90s video. Hmm I just realized I bought my friend a fountain for Christmas after struggling to decide what to get them, I wonder if this show subconsciously got to me?
Jojo shows up again and is clearly showing the heat, I keep thinking she ran to all of these meetings with Tay. Tay tells us she is grateful for this “last girl chat” and I think maybe uncharitably “Why?” Jojo spoke only in platitudes but maybe Tay is just happy to have another woman to talk to outside of the show’s staff.
OMCH shows up and tells us “31 guys and now we are down to 3” in case you could not do that math of Ivan, Zac and Brendan = 3!
Ivan gleefully gets the first Overnight Date card (“Our love is timeless”), and Zac is not happy. It is a follow up to the awkward move of Peter’s season to now have all 3 guys housed together as they see and experience the others going for fantasy suite dates. At this pace I will not be surprised if next season we have the ones who remain in the house get to see footage of the fantasy suite dates in real time.
The Gap has a commercial advertising fleece and all I can think is “YOU ARE THE PARENT COMPANY OF OLD NAVY – Jack RuPaul from them and add him to this boring ass commercial!”
Ivan’s one on one:
Tay reveals 2 ice baths to Ivan and then lets him know they are going for the record of “World’s longest coldest kiss” YEAH I WOULD BE OUT, I am the guy who takes hot showers in 100 degree weather.
Big Paulie joins Chris as an ‘Ice Bath kiss expert’ and commentator (should I know who this is?). Once they are connected the lips cannot separate if they want to win the record…thanks Chris, you meant to tell me if they stop kissing a kiss is over? Apparently “Paulie was found on a glacier” (Chris is terrible at jokes). If I had to do an ice bath kiss I guess in the middle of a bloody hot desert would be the place to do it BUT, this kiss does not look sexy, it is just clinical AND cynical, I do not care that Tay claims their breathing went into sync…though my homie Ivan, I see you homie rubbing that bootie under the water!
Big Paulie looks less than enthusiastic at the new record for Ice bath kisses – I now realize why he looks vaguely familiar, he has worked on the show for ages and has sometimes appeared as one of the ‘security’ peeps breaking up conflicts.
Back to the house and Brendan claiming he is going with “out of
sight, out of mind” re Tay and Ivan as a coping mechanism…but bringing it up
just means it is only out of sight. The next date card is for Zac “Let’s
explore each other” and then Zac does a terrible Matthew McConaughey impression
Back to the dating couple:
Ivan tells Tay he has fallen for her and she glows, they accept the ‘key to the fantasy suite’ offer from OMCH and proving how old La Quinta is, they are sent an actual key not a hotel card-key.
Upon entering the suite which is actually just a camper, Tay goes straight for the bed…Yo it is a pandemic I GET IT! Dean and Caelynn have gotta think the show just bit their whole flow using a camper for loving.
The next morning for the after sex glow, Ivan and Tay feed each other fruit in front of the camper to continue the camping theme while we get to see Tay’s post sex glasses, and her safety PJs, the irony of Tay’s PJs being the first and only thing on this show to hide her chesticles!
Is that a love bruise on Tay’s leg as they have breakfast?
Ivan leaves Tay wearing just a black A-shirt and sweats, but when he rolls back in with the other guys he is now in a proper shirt and shorts. Brendan asks Ivan more questions about the night before than I would ever ask of the man who may or may not have just slept with the woman I am interested in including asking if Ivan “didn’t get much sleep?” Ivan happily said “no sleep” and let the guys know he and Tay watched the sunrise. Brendan is starting to seem like he is more concerned with the bros than Tay.
Zac’s one on one:
Zac in his ITM keeps repeating “I can’t wait to explore…explore, just explore…explore…explore, yeah explore” Zac is one of our great modern orators.
For their “exploration” Tay and Zac get to strip down to minimal clothing and body paint on a massive canvas.
Tay tells us that part of what she likes about Zac is that he is “extremely attractive and TALL” set those standards high girl, put them on the top shelf, so he can reach them for you! The ‘painting’ leads to extended makeout sessions, poor Ivan had to freeze his giblets for what Zac gets in warmth.
“Wake up run a couple miles, and we go down to the café…then a boat…then sushi” that is Tay’s idyllic time in Orange county if she can do what she wants with Zac.
Evening portion:
Zac says “Tay took this wire that was disconnected in me and she took the wire (pushes his hands together to simulate aggressive plugging in and fakes electrical noises) and turned me on” we get it dude, she makes you horny.
Tay wants Zac to explain how it is his mom said he did not want kids but Zac has always seemed on board with her plan for 5 kids – Tay some of this might be he will say anything to stay with you and B. his mom is a snitch.
Zac tells Tay that he loves her and she breaks down and starts crying saying that she loves him too BUT she has never felt this way before…her ex-husband may have something to say.
THE HELL THOUGH? Zac and Tay get a pimped out suite for their night together but Tay and Ivan (2 brown people I might add) got an Airstream trailer for their night together? This feels purposeful and wrong.
I mean come on:
Versus
The next morning we get Tay and Zac un-rhythmically dancing on the bed, contrast with Tay and Ivan having to sit on campfire chairs! This is why brown people have a hard time watching your show Bach franchise peeps. The plus bed and roomy suite allowed for much more post-game fun.
Zac returns to the guys and awkward moments of silence.
Brendan one on one:
As Brendan heads up to Tay she is standing by A FOUNTAIN I would have laughed uproariously if he had run up and jumped into her arms.
Tay tells Brendan that she wants him to meet a good friend of hers…Tay you are good friends with Neil Lane? This is what you want me to believe? As Brendan and Tay walk in to meet Neil he is trying to fake the ability to play the piano.
Neil tells us that the stuff that he is having Tay and Brendan
look at and try is “really really beautiful stuff” that is like telling people
you are funny! This is a QVC commercial
wrapped in the veneer of a date as Neil makes sure to tell us “all handmade not
by machines…I make all of my own stuff. “
Brendan looks a bit uncomfortable and I am uncomfortable for him. Turns out
Neil goes to the Bach reunions and keeps in contact with some of the people he
has laced with rings. THERE IS NO WAY HE QUARANTINED TWO WEEKS FOR THIS
APPEARANCE.
Tay tells us that she is noticing a bit of disconnect from Brandon on this date, you surprised the dude with a trip to the jeweler known for providing the engagement rings (a man who is divorced mind you) and you wonder why he might seem shell shocked? Stop the foolishness.
Evening portion:
Brendan shows up in an outfit that feels like the outfit you wear to watch a ball game with your boys. Brendan tells Tay that she deserves” a man who is healed from his past and unfortunately right now, I am not that man…So I’m so sorry.” Tay looks blankly as she tries to process that she might not get a triple go at the fantasy suite and is instead getting dumped. Do I know that the ring shopping Neil Lane travesty earlier pushed Brendan over the edge? No. Do I think it might have? YES! I guess I was right re the outfit.
Next morning we have Tay setting a table for 2 (by setting I mean bringing 2 empty champagne glasses and exaggeratedly placing them beside plates) and we get The OG Black Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay talking to the new version.
Timing wise it is hard to believe that Rachel just happened to show up now.
Rachel asks Tay about guys she regrets letting go and Tay brings up Ben and his walls (foreshadowing).
As Zac, Ivan and their much too short suits prep for the final rose ceremony I wonder what they are thinking about re Brendan. And just as I bring up ankles we see practically all of Ben’s shins as he walks back on to the show to go and see OMCH. Ben tells OMCH that he loves Tay but in the moment of the breakup he didn’t think it was appropriate to tell her then that he loves her…so now it is appropriate? This is like a college kid who failed the test and asks the prof “is there any way for a makeup grade?” This show can be so gross sometimes.
WOO HOO Tay’s chesticles are on a mission tonight. Can it still be called cleavage when it is this busted wide open? Tay is telling us that it is still important to have a rose ceremony even though there are just 2 men remaining, which is code for “The producers told me we are having a rose ceremony.” As Tay continues to primp and stare at the space in her dress in the mirror Ben finally arrives.
Ben tells Tay that he is in love with her “I am starting to get nervous” why though? If you are in love and your sole goal here is to say it, once said what is the nervousness? My heart is on ice.
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