Bachelorette recap or who needs emotional expression on a dating show?

OMCH immediately says “Obviously we cannot do that” when speaking of the impossibility of doing actual hometown dates so the families have been transported to La Quinta and they are going through the quarantine and testing process.  

Zac has his bro, dad and mom.

Ivan has both his parents

Ben has his sister and tells us “Crying, I don’t know how to do that.”

Brendan is first with his brother his sister in law and his niece.

There is zero chance I could have gotten my dad to do this quarantine for this show. MAYBE I could have gotten my mom and my bro…MAYBE!

Brendan has the first ‘Hometown’:

Tayshia (“Tay”) runs and jumps into his arms and he asks “can I do a little spin with you?” They have seen this show; they know the reactions they are supposed to give.

Brendan says carnivals are a big part of his life (say what bro?) so he has a mini carnival set up at La Quinta and he has his niece Aliyah come to play with them. Smooth move bro, allows you to look good with kids while having a safe kid and provides a buffer if your conversation starts to lag.

Brendan and his niece have specialty handshakes and Tay wants to get in on that joyfulness so they incorporate a dance move into the resulting handshake and there is some awkward ‘white’ dancing…and Tayshia is worse! It pains me to say it, it has been a season of me trying to hide from the truth, but…I think Tayshia has no rhythm! And yes I spelled out the name here; you do not get to maintain the swag of Tay during this paragraph no matter how lazy I tend to be.

I get the feeling that Brendan’s bro is covid-fit (is that mean?). His shirt and his look makes me think he bought the outfit when he was much fitter but the pandemic got to him before he could get to his outfits.

Zac’s hometown:

And Tay’s chesticles are out to play. She again runs and jumps into arms, my poor knees weep again in empathy.

Zac’s date starts with him teaching Tay how to hail a cab.

They ‘take’ a cardboard cutout taxi on a tour of NY…their first stop is at a Bagel shop where Tay offends Zac by putting blueberries on her bagel. They then of course stop at a pizza shop. Final stop on the NY tour is Central Park.

My colleague E pointed out last week that the show spends a lot of time around fountains and tonight already we have had Brendan and Tay making out by the fountain

but Zac and Tay take it up a level and makeout lying down IN THE FOUNTAIN, not standing in the fountain LYING DOWN IN THE FOUNTAIN!

This is not how we got covid but THIS IS WHY WE HAVE COVID! 

 

Evening portion: Tay is in all black with a sheer covering over the top of the assets, as if they are in mourning because she has to be ‘sedate’ for the family.

Matthew, Zac’s bro takes Tay aside first. Matthew asks Tay where she is at with Zac in comparison to the other three (because he has seen the show and knows that Tay got to this point in her season of competing) Tay dodges the question and Matthew calls her out “You did not answer the question” I do not think he was talking down to her though initially I kind of recoiled, but I enjoyed his bluntness.

Zac’s dad is happy that his kid is smiling “I haven’t seen him smile that much in a long time” nice to see dad glowing.

Zac’s mom Beatrice while talking to him reminds him of his past statements “Saying that you didn’t need to have love in your life because you have your family” after Zac says he is less stern than he used to be thanks to Tay. You can see how ridiculously hot it is while Beatrice and Zac speak, the sweat is just POURING off of them.

Beatrice dry snitches while talking to Tay and lets her know that Zac previously did not want marriage and kids but Zac has changed because of her.

Ivan’s Hometown:

BUT while Tay kisses him off the bat there was no run and jump…did she not think he could take it or is she not as enthusiastic?

Ivan takes Tay to cook and while he sets up a video “I am actually friends with one of the top Filipino chef’s in the world” cue Chef Kehlani Ivan’s 4.5 year old niece IVAN IS DRIPPING WITH SWEAT! Kehlani teaches them via video how to make lumpia (whoa Microsoft word does not recognize lumpia?)

Ivan and Tay do not seem to have kitchen skills and they also do not have dancing skills, this was doubly painful for me as they dance in the kitchen.

Uhmm please tell me that, that was an extremely small mic pack and NOT Tayshia walking around with the label still on her skirt?

Evening portion:
And Ivan’s mom is much more excited to see them than the dad, or maybe the dad just keeps his emotions buried?

Mom takes Tay off first “It’s a lot and I am still a big skeptic.”

Dad asks Tay (while first telling her that he too was married once before) “What did you learn?”

As Ivan is getting emotional that his bro is not there, in walks the ‘Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ version of Ivan, complete with face tats.

Ivan’s bro Gabriel proves what I say about gangsta vs play-gangsta, Ivan’s bro got the gangsta imprimatur, Ivan could try all he wants to be hard (he does not) but he would never come across like Gabriel, Gabriel is a man who has been through the system. I am a former defense attorney there is a hardness that comes with a person who has been in the joint that you just cannot simulate from the outside.

Gabriel pulls Tay to the side and speaks of loyalty "Loyalty is an action word…and given the chance he will demonstrate that."

 Ben's hometown: 

Ben also gets the run and jump 

 Rather than go to his actual 'hometown' he is 'taking' Tay to Venice Beach because "home is where your heart is" so they rollerblade down the Venice boardwalk to wellness shots at his juice bar.

Then do the touristy thing and go to a Venice shop for hats and shades…I get the feeling that Ben is still in the honeymoon phase with Venice…"The best part of Venice is not the board walk it is the beach" Nope, Venice beach is not that great…so they go to the pool.

 Ben says Tay will meet his close personal family friend Antonia, she is with me more than anyone else…hmm…that's a close personal trainer client bond and his sister Madalyn "Mads."

Antonia tells Ben "You love her" Ben says he does not know how to say it; this dude should probably not be on this show learning to process his feelings. He appears shocked that his friend could tell him that he is in love. In his ITM Ben's brain looks broken as he says "I am in love."

Ben takes Tay to a FOUNTAIN to talk and his brain breaks (he admits his brain couldn't do it) and he does not tell Tay that he loves her, he stutters through their moment together and Tay seems visibly annoyed.

 ROSE CEREMONY:
As Tay enters OMCH asks "Do you know what these guys feel about you?" Tay "I can guess" see Ben, you should have told her, do not leave her guessing. 

 

 Ivan gets the first rose.

Zac the second.

So now it is down to two who seemed locks coming into the week, Brendan and Ben (yeah I am stealing OMCH's job here)

The final rose goes to Brendan.

I am about to dislocate my shoulder all over again patting myself on the back for picking the final three correctly.

Tay walks Ben out and they sit beside another fountain (the sound guy must HATE this set up). As Ben just stares blankly at her Tay says "Ben, don't shut down on me." This is probably why Tay did not pick him, their conversations can be like pulling teeth and I bet she saw a future of frustration. Ben on his way out:

After Ben leaves Tay says "It kinda felt empty" Ben displays "No emotion" "Please let me feel like these past few weeks meant anything to you." I am more worried about Ben's mental health than his emotional health.

 Bloopers:

And we find out that Zac's mom would absolutely leave her husband for a night with OMCH.