Bachelor recap or Victoria may not be as smart as she thinks she is, but she may be smarter than Matt.

 

Coming off a Zoom chat with the cousins where I made up some Gin concoctions mixed with Mandarins and Kumquats

so I am not sure if I am going to be snarkier or more empathetic, but bring on the shows.

This show really wants you to know that Matt works out, so we get jogging then a Peloton workout (no way that is free advertising) and the obligatory shower scene…as I eat a jelly doughnut.

The ladies rave about Nemacolin and to be fair their new digs look great - Victoria still leaning into “Queen” title “this is my kingdom and Matt is my king.”

OMCH “Because it is a record number of women, not everyone will go on dates…”

I am in a Bachelor Fantasy league and now every time women come on the screen I am annoyed if they were a pick I tried to get…such is the case with Bri who gets the first “One on One”

Bri and Matt:

Cut to hotel. Abigail, Jessenia and Serena C…I am counting on you ladies, I think Jessenia is going to be a strong narrator, fingers crossed.

Victoria is already staking her claim to villain status “we are all here to date Matt, we are not all here to be in a sorority.”

 That’s right Jessenia you tell her SHE HAS BAGGAGE!

Back to Matt and Bri on ATVs and either Bri is wearing no bra, or the world’s worst bra. They have separate ATVs then Matt  and Bri share an ATV with Matt asking if she trusts him and just as I think “that is foreshadowing”…Matt flips the ATV (EVERYONE SAW THAT COMING) and he and poor Bri end up sprawled in the dirt.

They finally make it to a wood fire hot tub which necessitates Matt taking off his shirt to swing an Axe to get wood for the fire…

Bri tells us she wants a kiss so of course she gets a kiss, Maatt is not the type to leave a woman hanging…if anything we are going to get a guy who kisses to avoid talking."I got some mud in my mouth" said by Matt after kissing Bri.

Back to the hotel “I hate this girl power (bleep)” and that would be Victoria. Anna “I thought the Queen Victoria thing was an act at first…but I think that is really her.” Victoria “Do you not know me?” HEIFER NO ONE KNOWS YOU, THIS IS DAY TWO!

Bri in her ITM speaks in a halting pattern that seems like she is trying to read an eye chart that is just too far off in the distance “today...(looks around) I…(squints pauses)…feel (closes her eyes then opens and stares)”

Bri’s horror ‘sob story’ her mom was pregnant with Bri at 13!And the mom is apparently moving on with a new family that Bri does not completely feel a part of.

Matt asks to give a toast at their dinner and then I am pretty sure they held up water glasses.

Back to the house and Victoria telling us that she would only go on a group date for Matt “But I would rather wait for a 1 on 1” uhmm who else would you be doing it for? 

 

As Illeana is reading off the latest date card I feel kind of comforted that some of my picks are on the date because it means they have a shot to see Matt – 18 women will be on the date though!

You can tell the girls who watch the show; as the girls see fireworks going off in the distance they say “they must be making out” (cut to Matt and Bri making out). Victoria goes off on the girls saying that their concerns that Matt is now making out with Bri reflects the feelings she had in the morning and that the girls made her feel like she was incorrect for her feelings, to which the others express confusion regarding the out of left field accusations. Marylynn who we now learn rooms with Victoria is not happy to be sharing a room, but tried to make it work…Victoria instead grabs her stuff to go sleep on the couch – that is one tactic to take.If that whole paragraph seems confusing, trust me watching it does not make it any better.

Victoria (did she see Racist Victoria on Peter’s season and say “NO VICTORIA WILL STEAL MY NAME-CROWN”? because she is a lot) “I literally am a Queen, I cannot wait for Matt to send her [Marylynn] home so that I can have my own room.”

Oh by the way, Bri got her date rose.

GROUP DATE: (Supersized group date)

Another one of the Bachelor tropes; a fake wedding photo session, and Franco will be the photographers which means crazy outfits…on Franco.

Jessenia (one of my picks) gets to go first and she gets a kiss. One of my other picks Serena C. gets to be a narrator (that is a good sign).

Victoria  continuing the villain role (It is not even a villain edit it is a desperate grab for villain status) skips the line of women waiting for their photo shoot and forces her way in for a shot.Matt's face looks more like a hostage video than an anticipatory groom.

Because a wedding shoot is not enough, the girls are going to have to battle in teams for Matt’s time/heart…in a paint balloons and painted bouquet game of capture the flag/(stuffed heart)  “My team is a bunch of Queens and the other team is a bunch of ‘Gestures’” yup you guessed it Victoria said that and the closed captions made sure you saw that she said "gestures".

Though Mari’s team lost she received the “MVB award, the Most Valuable Bride” so she gets to stay with the winning team for the evening portion while the losing team goes home.

The show doing its usual cruel tactics makes sure that the girls giving ITMs on the loser team have to do it covered in paint and grime.

Evening portion:

And some of my colleagues will not enjoy the first conversation as there is talk about the Christian religion.

Jessenia tells Matt that she has dealt with infidelity and starts to cry when speaking about her parents….GIVE ME THE POINTS – I see crying and a kiss!

Back to the house and Sarah gets a one on one date card

Back to the date and Victoria gets her time with Matt and feigns insecurity “can I have a kiss before we go?” of course she gets one…I told you Matt will kiss everyone.

Matt pulls Lauren to the side to give her the group date rose which is a pretty classy way to do it, it prevents having all of the women have to sit there as you tell them to their face why “she is better” or something similar.

One on One with Sarah:

Matt to Sarah “Have you ever been in a biplane before” “Not that small” I am hoping she didn’t hear or just misunderstood.

As they take off and cruise around the grounds, the other girls of course get to see them in the air.

Matt is noting hesitancy when he asks Sarah about her family, but it is not until the evening portion where Sarah tells Matt about her dad having ALS. Matt terms it a selfless act to come on the show to see him rather than staying with her dad…uhmm.

Sarah gets the rose and the hot tub make-out.

COCKTAIL PARTY:

Matt pulls up in a red Porsche.

Abigail gets to pull Matt first and they come up with little signals to let each other know that they are thinking about the other.

As Marylynn expresses to Matt that she was feeling insecure after a tough week, he presents her with a gift of Orchids because he remembered that Marylynn likes orchids and now Marylynn is “on cloud 9.” 

Victoria is staring daggers at the orchids and Marylynn while wearing a dress from the Disney cosplay Strawberry Shortcake edition and tells us “I am an empath.”I cannot tell for sure..are those bags under her eyes or is Victoria sporting some black eyes? Did someone get to clock her?

Victoria now goes to tell Matt that she had to leave her room because of Marylynn “she is just so toxic.” Matt now seems to think that Marylynn is bullying Victoria and he says he needs to get to the bottom of it.  As Matt pulls Marylynn to the side; Victoria tries to rally other girls to her side saying that Marylynn said hateful things to her and the other girls express shock and disbelief. 

Marylynn tells Matt that Victoria is making it all up. 

 

Marylynn goes to talk to Victoria and asks to speak outside but Victoria says “it is freezing outside” that would be a valid reason not to step outside but then Victoria continues to be rude as Marylynn tries to speak to her, refusing to sit beside Marylynn; Victoria insists that they sit across from each other so Marylynn can “look me in the eyes” and as Marylynn begins to apologize (for what I am still not sure) Victoria cuts her off “I accept your apology” but was it an apology or a needed apology?

Rose Ceremony:

Getting roses are –

Pieper, Kit, Magi, Rachael, Abigail (one safe so far), Chelsea, Jessenia (two). Katie, Serena C. (All of mine safe another week) while I crow at my skill in picking, we see Sarah having what seems to be a panic attack (or do we since some of the 'action' is off screen?)

(look at front left she does not shake) and she is helped off the dais by another contestant (I think Bri) and medics are called as we get the dreaded “To Be Continued.” 

 

Blooper reel:

Matt and Bri push the flipped ATV back over and it really serves to contrast their differing heights.