TWENTY FIVE SEASONS AND NOW WE PRESENT TO YOU…A BLACK BACHELOR!
Just as I think, let me take an hour off work for this historic moment the show cold opens with a girl bringing Matt James her pandemic-vibrator as a gift, so yes work is paused.
The show will be in a bubble at The Chateau, Nemacolin Luxury Resort in Pennsylvania.
Matt's parents are a mixed race couple…this helps to make it palatable to Middle America right? The show makes sure to bring Matt's mom out early and feature her…and her way too colored cheeks, I am wary of making fun of make-up but you cannot tell Me Matt's mom was not going for this look
Because Matt has an athlete's body we get footage of the requisite shirtless workout.
Time to meet the women:
Alicia the ballet dancer is constantly dancing for us.
Abigail, is completely deaf without her cochlear implants.
Kristin (an attorney) is black, I say this because watch…all the POC are probably going to be super educated.
Magi – Pharmacist, black from Ethiopia, see above.
Anna – Copywriter boasts about wearing a silk robe in the plush hotel bed.
Sarah was a broadcast journalist in Palm Springs, but now lives back at home in San Diego as a caregiver for her dad.
Lauren – corporate attorney – black
Pieper – Graduate student – Black and speaks about us finally getting "diversity on screen"
I enjoy the pretense of Matt acting as if he got to choose the outfit he is wearing to this first ceremony.
Matt expresses some nervousness and asks Obvious Man Chris Harrison ("OMCH")
for a quick chat, so they have a fireside chat which we are supposed to believe
is the first time they have had to talk…just before the limos arrive.
OMCH tells Matt that "there is a phenomenal chance that you are going to
meet the woman of your dreams" the show's history would say WRONG!
Matt is concerned that he will "piss off" a lot of people if he chooses incorrectly, he is both black and white and fears angering both sides – and says he has been running from love for a long time.
First out of the limo is Bri, a communications manager from San Diego, she is too young to float in my circles…damn.
Rachael a graphic designer from Cumming, GA
Sarah (as mentioned above)
Jessenia social media marketer from San Antonio Texas…is that new code for 'influencer'?
Chelsea, runway model from Brooklyn. NY, super tall black woman with a low cut hairstyle, something the show would not have allowed years ago, and her dress is held together with tape and prayer
Mari, a marketing director from Maryland is also in the tape and prayer dress category, Matt is staring!
Magi (I missed her full name because the show immediately went to the anglicized form), the pharmacist is stunning.
Sydney - Marketing specialist ("A wha di bumbo is that?") tells Matt "You are the hottest human being I have ever met."
Kristin, attorney makes the "you have been found guilty…of being fine" -joke- SIGH, whenever I talk to law students I warn them "AS A PROFESSION WE ARE NOT FUNNY" YOU WILL THINK YOU ARE FUNNIER THAN YOU ARE…"
Khaylah, Healthcare Advocate from Durham NC, gets the first big gimmick of the night and pulls up in a pickup truck; she gets to show off the truck to Matt, it is a stick shift "put some respect" on that girl's name.
We get our first flight attendant of the night Serena C., and she trips walking up to Matt (though I suspect the trip was faked when she says "already tripping over you").
Serena P., a publicist brings a step stool so she and Matt can get on the same level…
Alicia dances out of the limo…did I mention she is a ballerina?
Saneh has 'Goat feet' on because Matt is the G.O.A.T.
Alana a photographer from Toronto feeds Matt spaghetti so that they can "Lady and the Tramp" it…historically Canadians have been bold on this franchise; she steals a kiss in this manner.
Kaili a hostess (of what we are not yet told) walks up in lingerie pushing her clothes rack to allow the choosing of the first night's dress…not to show off her body, I am sure of this.
Abigail tells Matt she is deaf and will be reading his lips which she compliments "as luckily you have really beautiful lips.
Pieper's dress has a bold cut out featuring her chesticles.
MJ a hairstylist Rolls up in a Pizza delivery car because "I know this is cheesy…the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach" but fails when trying to open the backdoor of the car to get the pizza.
And then we get Katie a bank marketing manager (hiding an object behind her back) "This has gotten me through a lot [in the pandemic], and I was hoping to pass the torch to you" as she hands her vibrator to Matt. The girls make Katie name her vibrator and she names it "MJ" which leads MJ (the person, not the vibrator though that would be much more impressive) to remark "well it is an iconic name."
Amber a Nursing student rolls up on a bicycle
Kimberly an airline recruiter from Seattle brings a fish for Matt to catch (gotta really push that Pike's Place imagery) she fails to get it all the way to Matt on the throw.
Cassandra a social worker shows up wearing a 'Mrs. James' football jersey.
Illeana a Health food developer (is that a salad maker?) asks "Can I put my balls in your mouth" and feeds Matt a meatball.
Kit a Fashion Entrepreneur, pulls up in a Bentley because "the limo was giving me ride share vibes" – "KIT stands for Keep In touch so find me inside"
Victoria with a job listing 'Queen' is carried in on a litter wearing a tiara and hands Matt a crown. As Victoria tells us in her ITM she knows "I made a great first impression" and "I just want to put like my best foot forward" we see her eating it on her walk up the steps.
"The queen has arrived bitches!" this is how she announces herself to the assembled women.
Kit let's us know that the patriarchy still has a foothold when she lists
herself as a King for superiority over Victoria…ignoring the fact that the most
powerful monarch in the world today is a woman…"You can be the queen of
your little thing but like no, I am the President, King, CEO (smirk)."
OMCH keeping his crown "Matt you just met 32 women."
Matt definitely changing up the usual format offers up a prayer before the group gets to know each other.
One of the ladies decides to play Matt in chess, because "it was romantic" as a back in the day thing…and then immediately shows that she does not know how to play the game - as a chess champ this pains me.
Mari whose chyron said Maryland is originally from Puerto Rico and as she and Matt are sharing a heartfelt moment about how Puerto Rico and her family have been affected by the last few years of hurricanes…a vibrator touches her arm PLEASE GOD I KNOW THIS IS A RUNNING GAG BUT IF THAT THING WAS REALLY USED, PLEASE LET IT HAVE BEEN DISINFECTED LIKE IT IS A BOWL THAT PREVIOUSLY HAD THE PLAGUE STORED IN IT AND NOW WILL BE USED TO SERVE FOOD TO ORPHANS! Katie interrupts Mari and Matt to chat
Katie tells us that Mari could benefit from using her vibrator "and if she is my roommate I will absolutely let her borrow it" oh girl!
The 2 North Carolinians lay out in the back of the pickup and toast with sweet tea.
As Kit is talking to Matt, Victoria rolls up "Excuse me princess but the queen is here" Kit is looking to murder Victoria, regicide is a plan here.
OMCH brings out the 'first impression' rose and the girls now go into savage mode as they all chase the chance to impress Matt – Victoria takes a second shot at Matt while some girls are stressing that they have not gotten a first chance to meet him.
Just as I am thinking "Matt and Abigail are sharing a moment" they kiss, guess I was right.
Matt heads off and panics many of the women as he walks past them with the 'first impression' rose which he presents to Abigail.
The producers are blatantly keeping some of these women away from Matt.
Rose Ceremony:
Bri – Rose one (or 2 if you count Abigail's)
Rachel
Chelsea
Matt says something super honest "it's hard, it is not easy, you are holding this rose, you are panning the room and making eye contact with some women you know you do not have a rose for."
Sarah
Serena P.
Serena C is worried she is about to be sent home "I went through 4 covid tests for this, a quarantine" she is getting to narrate a lot for someone who did not get time with Matt, I think she has a shot to stay.
Khaylah
Kristin
Kit
Magi
Pieper
Mari
Illeana
Jessenia
Kaili
Marylynn (was close to a breakdown) but she got her rose.
Anna is trying to use telepathy to convince Matt to give her a rose – "at this point, if it comes down to me or Victoria, I hope he picks me" is there a time tonight when you would prefer him to pick her over you?
Serena C. gets her rose…I know this show too well.
Lauren
Sydney
Alana her rose announcement causes some confusion "did you say Anna or Alana?"
Katie
Anna – gets her rose (2nd to last, see OMCH I can do your job too).
OMCH "Ladies, Matt, it is the final rose tonight…when you are ready."
Victoria…I mean you knew this was happening right?
"The hardest thing is knowing that Matt didn't get to know me" Alicia walks out to Bright sunlight…she did not dance this time.
Bloopers:
Turns out Matt cannot drive a stick shift.
1 comment:
Post a Comment