This weekend a lot of Bach spoiler info broke so I had to avoid so many sources of spoilers.
I do not get the urge people have to be a spoiler source, if you want to read spoilers go for it, but why the urge to then spoil it for others? I think peeps like that are missing a good source of confidence boosting in their lives…but then again I watch the Bachelor so maybe I am not the best at emotional intelligence (shout out to Taylor).
I am just arm chair quarterbacking their psychological makeup and my degrees are in Zoology and Law...
Matt is super fit but super rhythmically challenged and so I just cannot shake this image of him looking at himself in the mirror to practice his moves (Editor's note we swear Cali J wrote this before seeing the bloopers)
Cold open with Chris pretending to remember who Heather Martin is without prompting.
On to the proper start and the women are all piled on the couches of destiny while they wait for the MJ vs Jessenia 2 on 1 with Mat:.
We get Matt pulling up in the red Porsche while Mj and Jessenia argue on couches across from each other, Matt then sits on the third couch that is positioned in between the 2 because this is how things are resolved in the franchise.
Jessenia gets the first “can I talk to you for a bit?”While Jessenia is telling Matt what she thinks MJ is we see MJ crying and calling her a “little bitch”
MJ’s ITM does her image no favors; she goes from saying she is there for Matt to “Hold on I need to fluff my hair, I forgot who I am for a second – [hand clap] I had a weak bitch moment but I’m back!” To be clear, MJ does not need to fluff that hair, she might need to do other things to it but fluffing it is not the missing thing.
With Matt MJ goes the crying route and says she “preaches for harmony
and peace” Matt says the rumors he has heard are not what he sees around her…look
bro you clearly do not want the answer, if you did you would not just ask
Jessenia you would ask multiple women. There are so many warning signs here for
Matt but…
Matt returns to sit between the icy women and decide their fate -
MJ” I can’t give you this rose…can I walk you out?” Jessenia can barely conceal her smirk. In the car we get a much more subdued MJ “I just cannot believe this happened…my heart hurts…I don’t know how she did this…she sabotaged me…this sucks, but Jessenia was petty.”
As Serena C’s ITM has her telling us “I just cannot wait to see his fine ass walk through the door” so we cut to OMCH and Serena immediately puts her hand to her face…OMCH tells the group that Matt does not want to have a cocktail party “I know that’s upsetting” OBVIOUSLY IT IS!
Serena C points out that the topic of bullying and toxicity was pushed by Katie and that every time there is drama Katie is involved…she is not wrong. I know America loves Katie (eh) but at some point we might have to think she might be an enzyme – to be clear this is NOT to excuse any of the other women, I am for sure looking at Kit who has skated so far.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Matt tells us that he is extremely confident in the process (quick reminder less than 10% of Bachelor leads are married).
First rose to Serena P (WRONG SERENA BRO), [Ryan cries all the way through rose ceremony ITMs], Michelle, Pieper, Bri, [Now time for Katie’s crying ITM], Chelsea, Katie, and immediately I sense Ryan is in trouble but feeling good for my fantasy team, FINAL ROSE TO SERENA C.
Allow me a moment to boast, I am currently THE ONLY TEAM IN MY FANTASY LEAGUE THAT REATAINS ALL OF THEIR PLAYERS PARTY Break out the champagne
…look the race is not for the swift but I am feeling good…I remember when I was in the bottom of the league but I felt just as confident then as I do now.
Magi is going home (do not worry girl you are too good for this), someone else hugs Matt good bye was it the beauty queen who came on late? Ryan breaks down because she has to leave, like a snot filled breakdown.
The next day:
Here is OMCH telling the girls “you were not expecting the cocktail party to be cancelled” no way? First date card, and Kit reads it “Pieper, tonight will be worth the wait.”
Serena C (SC) tells us that Katie keeps affecting her time with Matt so she decides to go and confront Katie about it "I am super frustrated by time being taken away by your antics…I do not think you are here for Matt." Katie thought SC would be coming in to apologize, calls SC "pathetic…insecure" and tells her "take it up with Matt." SC calls Katie an "arsonist" and a screaming match ensues. Katie in her ITM is not the sweet girl so many thought she was "I cannot reason with crazy" Katie storms off
and SC goes to talk to the other girls who could overhear the screaming. Katie then walks in on the SC chat with the other women and starts to argue with SC again. Katie keeps telling SC to bring it up to Matt, SC would be silly to do that, "it's a trap."
Let's now cut to the front gate with Heather, when she is told the facility is closed to the public she then tries to talk to OMCH.
Chris goes to the gate to talk to Heather. Heather tells OMCH that she is here because Hannah Brown told her Matt would be perfect for her. OMCH tells her to go back to her motel so that they can see what they can do…shouldn't you immediately quarantine her under your control? Are we just pulling the 'rapid test and go' move for all of these guests?
ONE ON ONE:
Matt switches to the luxury SUV and takes Pieper on a date into the woods…
I want to point out this is 2 ostensibly brown people heading into the dark so Pieper is super nervous but Matt has her flick a switch and a carnival lights up.
Snap to the house and a group date card arrives and everyone but Katie gets their name called so Katie will get the one-on-one, I am getting the vibe that this might not be a good thing for Katie.
Before going back to the date we get a check in with Heather that looks like a bubbly 'Proof of life' video "I have officially made it to Nemacolin…I am quarantining" she cleared her first Covid test and hopes in a couple days she can meet Matt…so definitely not a 10-14 day safety bubble.
Back to the date:
Pieper thinks her fear of confronting her feelings comes from her upbringing "we don't really say love, we don't communicate love it is all through actions." Guess actions do not speak louder than words? Matt assures Pieper he is there for her and she can open up to him – she gets the rose.
Temecula Road is the performing band that you have never heard of on tonight's episode
…Temecula is just up the road from my crib (a super country mile) and so I am hoping this group is named after it so I can pretend there is a connection. This show really loves its country acts.
Back to Heather's Day 2 in quarantine and she balances a pizza box on her head "if that is not impressive I don't know what is." Sigh.
GROUP DATE:
Matt and the ladies go bowling. The group is overall as terrible at bowling as you would expect.
OMCH comes in to break up the fun and pit teams against each other - winning team gets to stay with Matt, losing team "gets the long walk in the rain." I take it back maybe the women are all hustlers because suddenly when it matters there appear to be a few strikes…I paused for a work call and noticed Serena C. and Abigail (both on my team) appear to have forgotten how to button shirts SC is rocking TWO CHAINS
and a shirt so far unbuttoned you can see where her bra connects.
The blue team loses while the pink team of Serena P, Chelsea, Jessenia and Michelle win. As Matt says to the blue team that they have to go Kit says "This is a joke we are going? What do you want in a wife, a bowler?" Matt breaking the mystique says he does not get to make all the decisions.
The women of the blue team return to the house and they are upset and angry.
The pink team's evening date:
And a date rose is still on the line even though there are only 4 out of 9 women now on the date, but OMCH walks in to the main group and hands a date card to Rachael "all those tears for nothing" they get a date request from Matt to come and join him on the date. Chelsea and Serena P are reveling in the numbers "…from 1 in 9 to a 1 in 4 chance, more time…" and because this show is all about timing the losing team gets to walk in right at that moment.
Serena P in her time with Matt "I am falling for you I just thought I would let you know" Matt kisses in response, with his eyes open.
Chelsea lets Matt know that she has been patiently waiting but she might "still have some walls up" and he should not give up on her, their make out session is a sneak one on a staircase.
Yet again I do not see a solo session with Matt and Abigail or Matt and SC but I keep the faith.
Matt gives props to Serena P and Chelsea when presenting the date rose but gives it to Michelle and Chelsea is pissed. I then rewind because my Bach group is giggling about Matt wearing Jeggings earlier in the date and well long time readers know I do NOT rewind as a general rule but this break of procedure was worth it…I am guessing Matt bought them off clearance and could not return them when he found out he accidentally shopped in petites?
Back to Heather pretending that she is Rapunzel during her quarantine time…these girls are going to eat her alive.
Before Matt's one on one with Katie we get him meeting up with Tyler C "One of my best friends" to play pool and chit chat "Katie is the one who had the cactus-sized vibrator when she got out of the limo." Tyler tells Matt to "stay open" to the chance of a woman coming out of nowhere. Matt "I have seen this process work for Tyler" UHMM WHAT? He didn't leave with the Bachelorette; she did not choose him, when she had a second chance she also did NOT CHOOSE HIM, do you mean it worked because he became famous and got to date a supermodel?
ONE ON ONE:
Katie meets Matt and he tells her that they are going to prank Tyler with a fake masseuse who they will be feeding instructions to via an ear piece.
You start to feel like a Bach producer just recently saw 'Impractical jokers.' Tyler strips down to his underwear and checks himself out, they have the masseuse (actress) play with Tyler's nipples, and generally give him a terrible massage, Matt then swaps out with the masseuse to give Tyler a rub down…should I point out that Matt seemed more interested in having fun with Tyler than in having fun with Katie?
Evening portion:
"Matt is not here to play games" literally hours after playing games. Katie during the reflection period says she realized that the thing she was missing in her past relationships was "someone who is playful." Matt picks up the rose and Katie starts smiling "I think back to our first night…and how much you set the tone for the women in the house both for this experience and for me" (How true but not in the way Katie probably wants it to be) (Katie is smiling more) "But you have been honest with me " (no smiles, eyes blink rapidly)"…and I cannot give you this rose tonight" (eyes dip and never come back up)…holding the rose to dismiss someone is cruel. Now, remember above when I said Matt was having more fun with Tyler? Katie and Matt's interaction often came off like a casual friend - someone you kick it with for pranks but not someone you go home with…the other women are in hands over mouths shock as the ceremonial removal of the suitcase occurs to signal that Katie is going home.
Don't forget Katie had big "I am safe here" energy thinking that she could 'snitch' and the other girls would take the fall.
Another cut to Heather and is this heifer in a wedding dress/cocktail dress?
COCKTAIL PARTY:
Kit not realizing that you cannot speak things into existence "luckily we will have more time with him tonight"
Abigail gets the first pull, and they seem close but I think his eyes were open on the kiss (and the show needs a better barber I missed many of the convos because I sent this to my crew " Yo these shows do NOT take care of our people. How is homie the lead on a prime time show and they got his hair looking this jacked up?!?!?" with a photo of Matt’s hair. Many of the responses were hilarious but I cannot share them.)
Heather walks in...
well eventually she walks in..and the girls in the room are staring as they try to figure out who she is and/or why she is there. She then walks in to disturb Pieper's one on one and Pieper looks like she could stab her with her rose,
Matt asks for time with Heather and as soon as Pieper gets outside to the other women she is in full strides while screaming "What the [expletive deleted]?
Pieper tells the other girls that Matt was cracking up laughing when he saw Heather and the girls are not happy that Heather is friends with Matt.
You know I do not watch spoilers so I do not know how the reaction for next week will be show sure seemed to have an extended preview of it.
BLOOPERS:
Serena P tells Matt "I heard you do karate"
just like Magi watching Matt's dancing, the Karate is just as awkward.
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