Bachelor in Paradise or can we stuff one night into 2 oh and you did therapy?

I know I cannot be the only one who thinks they are just monstering through some work and thinks they are almost to the end of it only to look up and realize you are not even half way done? In those moments you might as well put on some trash TV, Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Bachelor in Paradise: 

Let us look out for the Tahj-nado and thankfully the return of the cheesy intro

with the cast pretending to do stuff but…why do we have Tammy and Maurissa crawling on the ground? I did not like that. Karl you are not the karate kid bro, do not let them turn you into a bigger clown.

 After we get a rundown of the couples from last week (aka yesterday in actual show time) we see Brendan and Natasha awkwardly flirting over eating a banana, made even more awkward by Natasha slipping into 'baby voice.' In case you forgot Demi has arrived and while she is into "the P and the V" she wants "to date some dudes." "Those poor girls I am going to steal all their men."

Demi is greeted by the group as a minor celebrity. Dare I say the POC are less enthused by Demi than the more melanin deficient?

Demi pulls Connor (cat guy) to talk to first – Demi says "I have seven cats' "you do not have seven cats?" "I have 3 but I like to say 7 first" to my dear readers this is NOT a game you should play, 3 is already a lot, saying 7 as a joke is just going to remind the guy that you first said 7 and now at 3 he will panic that you will want more.

 Not shockingly Demi goes through all the white guys first. Natasha is worried that Demi (really we are going to list her as 'Demi God'?) is going to get Brendan's rose and that worry intensifies when Demi picks him for the date – that worry causes a drop in the baby voice…sigh, I should not have to root for her sadness to get a voice I can stomach.

Demi to Brendan "I knew you from photos" Brendan "I didn't know you existed until a couple hours ago and now we are riding jet skis together"

this kind of scintillating conversation leads to a make-out. After the make-out Brendan tells Demi that he still wants to see other people, Demi is less than enthused and admits "my ego is very bruised right now."

Back to the beach and some of the women think Brendan is holding out for Pieper (I had heard that too via the streets aka podcasts) and this starts to spread like a wild fire. The Brendan rumour finally gets to Natasha and there is definitely now zero trace of the baby voice.

 Back to Demi telling us that she never gets rejected like she was by Brendan "well Colton but he was gay" for some reason that one sounds like a pejorative, that move where it is okay for someone to be bi but they cannot be rejected by someone else who might be slowly discovering their own sexuality?

 Victoria P who looks different every time I see her (it is a Victoria thing) meets up with James who is vibing with her but when talking to others about him she calls him Jordan…not a good sign. Something is up with Victoria's eyebrows, I will leave it at that.

 A date card arrives for Jessenia and she quickly picks Ivan, there is no hesitation by either party.

On the date Jessenia and Ivan talk about the struggles with being POC in this franchise and the backlash they receive. Even in my own group of watchers I have seen some implicit bias by people who excuse the actions from others while coming down on persons like Jessenia.

 Demi returns to the beach and she is not happy. When she is told about Brendan potentially dating or as she puts it "so obsessed with Pieper" she is angry. As Brendan comes to sit down with Demi all the ladies get up to "leave you guys some time to talk."

It is kind of funny watching Demi's over-confidence getting deflated. The remaining group gets to watch the dissolution of Brendan and Demi with glee.

 Next to confront Brendan is Natasha and the group barely holds in the options of saying "ooooooo." Natasha asks about the date with Demi and Brendan says "didn't set my soul on fire." Natasha asks about the Pieper situation and Brendan says he just wants to get to know people "on a deeper level…my relationship with Pieper has been on a super casual level….my conversations with you have been deeper…I have the strongest connection with you." In her ITM Natasha says she was glad that he opened up, aka the response of someone who just wants to hear what they want to hear. 

Demi sees Brendan walking off with Natasha and starts to break down calling it rude and yelling her frustration. Now because I cannot trust anything with this show it is hard to tell if this is in real time but as Demi is yelling Natasha while on the beach with Brendan says "What is that noise? Did you hear it?" "What?" "Sounded like a Hyena" I do not care if it was faked I am cracking up. Demi is feeling like she is in jeopardy of not getting a rose, OH WORD! Let me taste these delicious tears of hubris. From "I am coming to Eff S#!t up" to crying in 24 hours, what a trajectory.

 Karl when he is not trying to play the clown is doing well, getting kisses and a relaxed moment.

 Maurissa and Connor are holding hands and walking on the beach, as they make-out I wonder how the plant from the 'Men Tell All' feels seeing her 'crush' immediately forget her.

 We cannot brush off that Victoria P thinks that cicadas are called sequoias AND thought it was rational to ask James (a man who lives in a CITY – San Diego) whether when he wakes up in the morning he "pees in the toilet or outside" then asks if that is just a Louisiana thing? Louisiana y'all claiming her?

 Do not forget that Tammy lives for the mess and she knows that "Victoria P has a current boyfriend and it is all just a play to get a rose" Tammy sketches out the playbook for us, VP wants to find her next victim so she can break his heart, then have him follow her back to Nashville and have her little country singer boyfriend on TV too."

 

Time for the Cocktail party:

It starts with David Spade making jokes and as Ivan says he know where his rose is going and James echoes that while looking at Victoria P we see Tammy with the 'stare of knowledge.'

Serena C wants to creep on Tammy's flame Aaron and she starts with a terrible rap while Aaron badly beatboxes, but it earns her a kiss. As Tammy is talking to Kelsey about her confidence with Aaron Kelsey warns her to go get her man and she sees SC making out with Aaron. Tammy follows Kelsey's advice and straddles Aaron which leaves him excited about the situation and a moment of honesty "I cannot get up."

Victoria L (VL) is trying to hit on everyone according to Tahz, her advice from Demi is "what you need to do is go up to him and give him the sex eyes." Mari "I think maybe you need to give a class on that" so Demi leans back and makes a face which is I guess the sex eyes and not someone trying to blink their contacts back into place?

VL rightfully says "But it didn't work for you. No offense" No need for the "no offense" VL for once we are in accord.

I then pause the show because I found a flight to Cabo for only $116 and I need to book this ASAP and focus.

 VL has started doing the math and realizes time is not on her side, "I respect your girl but if you are being navigated in a direction that you do not want I will love to steal you." When VL sees Tahz coming up the stairs she tells Tre that they need to stop talking…Tahz confronts VL about trying to snag Tre and VL calls her "Crazy."

 Tammy pulls James aside to tell him about Victoria P (VP) having a boyfriend. According to Tammy there is a shared dog with the VP and boyfriend connection. James listed as 'Bro in a Box' is concerned because he thought he knew how to detect "BS" better, Tammy because she does not know when to ever stop makes sure to add "you want to know something else?" then proceeds to make sure that James knows that VP got his name wrong after making out with him. James asks Kelsey for some confirmation of Tammy's story and she tries the confirmation without concentration method "Her and I are friends, she lives in Nashville, we run in the same circles…I do know that theywere dating…to me it is disrespectful." How good a friend can you be to VP if you are going to help to make sure she is thrown all the way under the bus?

VP when James asks to speak to her and leads with "well I have been honest with you so can we back that up really quick…can we take a deep breath because I think you might be coming at me" before James has even accused her of anything. Once asked if she has a boyfriend back home VP said that she and the boyfriend broke up before the show and he encouraged her to go on the show…VP tells James they were in a new situation so she did not get deeply involved with him "I do not know your last name" "You didn't even know my first name!" VP immediately goes to the "relax a bit" posture to cover for her inability to answer the direct questions/accusations. VP now tries to put the flaw of the situation on her friends "I am upset that my friends did not come to me and talk to me" again note she is not saying they said anything untrue "thank God for therapy."

VP goes to Tammy and Kelsey "are we friends?" Tammy, "we are friends but I call my friends out on BS." VP says "let me use my therapy" as she tries to talk to Tammy and Kelsey as the girls call her out for not being honest she says she needs time "to take a pause" and "to process my feelings."

 VP tries to pull James aside again and while she is doing so Cat guy tries to tell the group that she might be genuine Tammy stops him and says "do you know her?" "No" Tammy politely tells Cat guy to shut it! VP tells James that she is going to self-eliminate but while leaving she takes a side swipe "just want you to know that Tammy and Kelsey are better than this."

 Demi knows immediately that the situation has presented an opportunity and immediately targets James and during the conversation with James says "Are we going to have sex?" James taken by surprise makes a joke about the "boom boom room" and Demi immediately says "I am kidding."

IF YOU THINK DEMI DID NOT DELIBERATELY THROW IN THAT SEX LINE TO SECURE HER SPOT I HAVE A GENTLY USED BRIDGE TO SELL YOU. After leaving him Demi is once again cocky and predicting the James rose is hers, BUT dear reader there is a twist, Kelsey can also do math and she too hones in on James and lets him know that she wants his rose she then dubs it "the Kelsey rose." Demi seeing the change in James and Kelsey's vibe starts to talk smack "Kelsey needs to STFU" and "there is no sexual tension between them." Demi can go from classy to assy the minute things do not go her way.

 Rose Ceremony:

And I guess the show did not pay Spade enough to stick around?

Wells conducts the rose ceremony.

Roses –  (while Serena P narrates and seems extra young while doing so)

·         Ivan to Jessenia

·         Noah to Abigail

·         Joe to Serena P

·         Cat guy to Marussa

·         Tre to Tahzjuan

·         Karl to Deandra

·         Brendan to Natasha

·         Aaron to Tammy (and she has to push past Serena C. to get it) "Tammy will you accept this rose?" "Duh"

·         Kenny to Mari

·         And of course the final rose is James'

o   While waiting for the decision Kelsey starts to panic/overheat/have an anxiety attack? Demi is convinced it is a ploy to get the rose and maybe it is BUT, only speaking for myself here, if I am giving out a rose that is a 'friendship rose' I am not picking the person who had a breakdown just before I potentially announce their name.

o   Demi gets the final rose and I cannot shake the feeling that the producers were prodding the decision making here.

Serena C does not get a rose, nor does VL who somehow manages to close the car door on her own butt? Kelsey has a pretty chill exit.

 I know peeps differ on Tammy but as an avatar for justice she is crucial to these types of shows.

 NIGHT 2:

 Now that Serena C is gone Serena P gets to lose her initial in the intro song.

 The show starts and we immediately get a black box as I think Demi walks the beach (cannot tell for sure from the back). 

James realizes that he gave a friendship rose to Demi so his position is a bit more precarious than many of the other guys if more guys come in.

 There is a boombox with a card saying 'Play me'

and once played some of the crew really start to go nuts…clear age gap here. And while the crew is dancing in walks Lance Bass "If you were wondering who was going to be your new host. It's gonna be me." 

 Demi "I really wanna see the boys squirm" when Lance asks how it feels to be in power…James does not look happy. 

Lance goes to have a gab sesh and asks which girls are looking forward to other guys coming in, Maurissa immediately says she is looking, this is despite her coupling up with Connor BUT Connor does not strike me as a sexual being, maybe it is the cat thing, maybe it is the retreating always to music to cover up, maybe it is the weird kissing thing.

 Many of the guys are trashing Thomas and hoping that he does not arrive SO OF COURSE the very next arrival is Thomas.

Thomas has a date card and his arrival leaves many of the guys looking crestfallen, the women are very happy, Serena "someone is making out with this man and I am okay if it is me." Tre "I hate Thomas, I am never going to talk to him on purpose."

 Thomas asks Abigail for an initial tour - While the girls are oohing and ahhing the guys are having a lament fest, Joe the podcaster asks "Aaron can you give an example of something he did or said to you" the guys need to realize this is Joe's job…

When Thomas takes Tahz for a walk Tre turns into a hurt puppy.

Tahz immediately tells Thomas that Tre has brought him up  Thomas responds that he would not bring up guys who are not in paradise while he is there - "Tahz you're a real one."

 Tahz comes back to the group and tells Aaron "he mentioned how tall he is" which Aaron says "see what I told you?" We then get a great montage of Thomas constantly mentioning his height and using the same lines on multiple people about almost hitting his head in the same spot of a palapa.

 Thomas asks Serena to go on the date and she accepts THEN goes to tell Joe that she was asked and says "I THINK I am going to go." I hate that pretense I am 100% fine with her going on the date she should, no need to pretend that Joe has a say or that your mind was not already made up.

Thomas is aggressively practicing Karate (can you non-aggressively practice it?) so of course it is a source of amusement to others.

Demi gets in some zingers "I don't know what the air did to Thomas" sigh, I would probably find that funnier coming from others but I just do not like Demi's position in this franchise. I do not think that if Demi was anything but a petite blond she gets this highly favored status in the franchise.

 Joe is only 35 acts younger, looks older. While Joe is talking to Wells and expressing confidence that Serena only wants him then worrying that if she leaves him he might go home, we see Thomas and Serena making out and Thomas' unfortunate tattoo. 

Tre calls Thomas a trash human for taking Serena on a date: WHAT WAS THE OPTION TRE? At least he took the date of someone that was NOT on his season there is less of a connection there, you should be happy, you whinny git.

 Riley walks down the stairs of potential to no greeting from Lance Bass and Tahz immediately starts fanning herself "I was hot and now I am hotter" "My list of men that I wanted to see on the beach? Riley, that's it…he is the reason I am in paradise." Tammy "the man's arms have their own zip code, I want him to crush me with those arms."

Riley is calling the group together and has to call Tahz over "come on I want to meet you" Tahz is losing her mind…and Tre is starting to sense something is up.

Maurissa gets requested by Riley to have a conversation and Tahz literally starts turning side to side "I don't know what to do with myself."

Maurissa says there is nothing to do in Montana then adds this bomb "I have never been on a date ever, in life or the bachelor."

 Riley then asks Tammy for a talk, Aaron expresses confidence, he probably should not be this confident "I gave her a rose just to keep her here, not to keep her here for Riley."

Riley "is pulling a lot of the girls and it is stressful" says Tahz and I gotta feel the producers have told him to save her for the end, the drama built by Tre freaking out and Tahz stressing helps to build the tension.

Riley "So if I was to ask you on a date today?" "NO HESITATION" Tazh was for sure not going to let that breathe.

Riley takes Maurissa on the date and Tahz can barely hold her contempt in.

While Thomas and Serena are on their date Joe is shown moping around and the group comments on his sad state (for all we know that is just a smash cut of anytime Joe was tired or just trying to catch a nap).

Serena asks Thomas about his beef with the guys, he calls Tre a little brother who is emotionally weak…

Serena comes back to Joe who asks her how his date went "I told him to pursue other people" Joe then awkwardly asks "who is the better kisser?" When Serena demurs he pushes and she says "you are the better kisser."

 Thomas knows he is behind the 8 ball, he is getting lectured by Tahz at the bar "I think you enjoy lying to people or misleading people." Thomas said "I thought we were in a good place" re the other guys. As he is talking to Tahz, Karl tells Thomas that "we need to talk it out" and grabs Thomas to bring him over to talk to the guys from Katie's season.

 Thomas gives a pretty strong apology to the guys (notice my choice of words, I do not know if it is sincere) Aaron tells him "I need to see the actions to back that up." While the guys are accepting Thomas, Serena is telling the other group that Thomas told her that Tre is not "emotionally strong" and that she thought the way Thomas was talking about Tre was "like he was his father." Tahz is determined to let Tre know everything that was said about him by Thomas via Serena and this causes Tre to immediately go and seek out Thomas. Tre tells Thomas that he is a snake and that he will never again have an intentional talk with him "I'm off you, I'm off you."

I really think part of Tahz's move here is because she is ticked that she did not get time with Riley so she is lashing out.

 Riley is getting ready for his date with Maurissa and we are blatantly shown and he lets it linger on the camera, the abs! Maurissa brings the ladies out for her date in a leopard print dress. Maurissa walks past Connor like he is last week's lunch and Jessenia has to encourage Connor to go and talk to her before the date. Connor asks Maurissa if she would like to go chat but she brushes the request off so he rushes "all I wanna say is have fun on your date" that could have gone unsaid my G.

 Riley and Maurissa go to 'Lance's Basserie' [sic] and the camera makes sure to linger on the sign to make sure you can see it. Their meal is hosted by Lance Bass GET IT? YOU GET IT? Lance reveals 'exotic food' under platters and for the daters they have to answer the questions to his satisfaction or they have to take a bite.

Just again I want to point out this is the stuff the black couples get?  One of the questions asked is "How many people have you slept with?" they both refuse to answer so they have to take a bite of tongue (lengua if you ever see it on the menu at your favorite taco shop)

I should point out that I am laughing at what is supposed to be hard to eat meals here, I am pretty sure I have had everything on that platter my problem here is the invasiveness and unnecessary nature of this.

 "What is your most embarrassing story?" Refusal leads to eating tripe.

 "Where on your body should someone touch you to turn you on?" Maurissa's answer is basically her whole body.

 "How many times a week do you masturbate?" Maurissa "everyday…I am a very sexual person" but I bet she will not get the Sex Positive label that Katie got to enjoy and ride into glory with.

 Back to the beach and Connor is playing his ukulele. Noah's ITM (as we get Connor's song in the background) "Connor is pretty confident, but every other person on the beach thinks Maurissa is gone, it is over, Riley and her are about to be an item." Connor sings (as Wells pretends to wipe tears) "I was wondering after this is over, would you wanna take a walk outside, I don't wanna say goodnight."

 Tahz is having an ITM telling us that she is very deflated and "Maurissa is a man eater" hmm weird if Thomas had done this he would be blasted, Tahz then freaks out because a crab invades the interview space. Tre says Tahz is "the only person I would get a romantic rose from so I am in a vulnerable position" oh word you can be calculating on this show and look for opportunity down the line? Someone should tell Thomas.

Tahz asks the crab if she should give Tre another chance...the crab says yes.

Then reminds us that Tre is "100% a better kisser than his uncle…I swear it."

 The podcasters Natasha and Joe have a sit down, "as you know I have been hanging out with Brendan" but Natasha thinks there is a lack of sexual chemistry. Joe tells Natasha that other men will be coming in so she can take her time. Natasha tells Brendan that she thinks they are both waiting for other people to come to the beach.

 Tammy pulls Tre to talk to Connor, Connor is still hoping Maurissa will continue to want him even if she makes a connection with Riley oh you poor thing. 

 Back to the Basserie and Riley and Maurissa are talking about creating a basketball team's worth of kids. "Riley is definitely exceeding my expectations, the fact that he wants to get to know me and there is this much sexual tension as well…" Connor you better get closer to that Uke. Riley as Maurissa moans "I think we should head out, do you?" "Mmhmm" "I know a place we can go" and we see them rolling in bed as Connor looks disconsolate on the beach (and the savage producers use his music for the love scene). 

 Bloopers?

Connor is making Abigail and Jessenia giggle by putting their name into a song.