Bachelorette recap or I am happy can't you tell by my sad face?

The momma bully is in town so I am sneak watching this show. We watched a lot of the ‘History of the Sitcom’ on CNN and when it got to the portion talking about how sitcoms dealt with sex there a definite frostiness in the room and I could not look at mom - just stared at my laptop screen and worked so I know there is no chance I could watch the Bach franchise with mom in the room and that’s before my deep internalized shame that I watch this franchise.

We have been watching the Olympics - Team Jamaica 2 DI WURL! 

My mom and I are taking different tacks, I am taking her to a 5 course meal later, she is prepping by taking a nap, I am prepping by watching drivel and sneaking in a workout.

This is the latest I have gotten to a Bach show in a long time.

When the show does these voice overs with Katie while she stares off into the distance she seems even younger, it feels like a YA actress.

Blake: 

If I had any skills I would gif the Soulja Boy Breakfast club "Draaake" episode into "Blaaake" 

Katie so blatantly does the run and jump into the arms - "we are red for Canada." 

The show does a funny chyron 'New Mexico, Canada'

I will admit I have been most looking forward to the Blake 'Hometown' because I really want to meet the people that created Blake.

Blake claims he used to Bartend in Canada and they use syrup for everything so he pours shots of maple syrup while adding that he used maple syrup in the bedroom

Katie giggles and says "taste of Canada has a whole new meaning."

They play a dart game that pops balloons with questions and commands; one is "touch me on your favorite body part" Blake says "I have two" so he kisses Katie and grabs her butt.

They ride a mechanical moose because Blake says they do not ride horses in Canada guess that whole Mounties thing is a lie! 

At one point as they are doing a roll around make out Blake's hand looks like it is going to roam from her stomach up higher and I am sure he copped a feel because the camera cut away rather abruptly.

They play a game of street hockey

and Greg weirdly (creepily?) decides to watch it!

Blake takes Katie to meet his 'crew' because I am not sure they are family 

Emily, Taylor, Cody "you don't have to be great, you just have to be you" this is Blake's advice to Katie. Blake's mom is rocking a shirt with a turned up collar and is EXACTLY who I thought she would be. 

Katie tells the mom (whose name I do not think we were told to distinguish whether she is either Emily or Taylor) "neither of us has told each other we love them, but I think we can get there." While Blake is talking to his sister (I guess?) the female entity that has not been distinguished says "so this is the one now?" And I cackle. The (possible) sister points out that it was Clare then Tay tay then Katie.

Blake's mom tells him "If you feel it, if you love her you need to man the f*@k up and tell her" then begins crying. Blake's ITM says "tonight I was to tell Katie that I love her but…" he takes love seriously "the word loves is a scary word to use…If things keep going the way that they are I see myself getting engaged to Katie."  Blake puts Katie in the car without saying "love."

JUSTIN:

Justin is talking to his mom and dad via speaker phone "you and dad are not here so what am I supposed to do."

We are not told why the parents will not be there, they seem supportive of him "we trust your judgment" so maybe his parents are being as I would hope mine would be – COVID SAFE! In place of his parents Justin will have 2 friends.

Katie does the awkward run and jump

– they will be in 'Baltimore, New Mexico.'

Katie says "Justin is one of those connections that started early and will grow and grow" uhmm we watched this whole season did anyone see this connection blossom? The show spent so much time showing us faux drama we saw very little of Justin and Katie together.

Justin in the carriage ride asked "Bleu cheese or Ranch" and reacts like it is the craziest thing ever that Katie picks his choice of Bleu cheese, bruhhhhhh it’s about a 50/50 split in the general public this is not the reason to fall in love.

"Maryland is known for crabs" so they of course have a crab feast "it is just like your experience here, you have to get past the nasties to get to the good stuff."

Justin tells Katie that his parents could not make it but we are still not told why. Katie as always will make it about her so in her ITM says "that is a bit of a struggle for me" that the parents are not there when it is so close to a proposal…now of course the show IS about her, but she never seems to have the empathy I would expect this close to picking a partner. 

Justin's 2 friends:

Herb and a white guy (hopefully I catch his name later you know I hate rewinding, plus I am racing while my mom is in another room) are here for Justin.

Herb pulls Katie first, maybe this is why he was named so quickly in the episode: "what has made Justin stand out to you?" "Justin has always been himself" how would you know? HERB WHAT ARE YOU DOING BRO – "Has he come out and said that he loves you?" ARE YOU HERE TO HELP YOUR BRO OR NOT?

I promise I am not trying to be mean but I still do not know who the white guy is, they didn’t give him a chyron – "What do you think differentiates Justin?" Then at least unknown guy says that Justin seems better around Katie.

Justin says "I know I am falling in love with you and I don't want to hold it back." Katie "I could feel you fighting that" but she is happy he told her.

MOPEY GREG:
And…run and jump – check.

Greg "as you know I grew up in Jersey" so he takes her on a tandem bike ride and for pork roll and cheese and Italian ice. Then they enter an inflatable and fake surf, that leads to a make out session. Greg says that Katie shared something on their last date that she used to do with her dad so Greg takes her to do something that he used to do with his dad and they go and play basketball.

Greg says he hasn't played much since his dad passed.

Since Greg is a bit of an actor and a copy cat he says "it rains in Seattle right?" Reminding Katie of their 'Seattle' date where Katie had a fake rain storm drench them so he now says "it rains in Jersey too" and voila a 'rain storm' drenches them.

Like with the other 2 dates Katie is much more dressed up to meet the family than the guy is…I am on her side here.

Greg's mom is effusive. Because one of Greg's sisters has started a new job she could not travel to the meet and greet so she sends a video. A second sister is pregnant so she could not travel and THEN displays a near football team amount of kids saying "we love you uncle Greg we miss you uncle Greg" this family does not believe in contraception I guess.

Greg's brother takes Katie aside first, I am not always the best at recognizing family features but to me all the siblings look different from each other. Greg's bro does a better job of pitching him than Blake's and Justin's proxies did for them.

I take it back the brother that pulls Greg aside first does look a lot like him.

Katie talking to the mom says she find Greg honest and humble. Katie "I hate to use the word frontrunner…Greg is someone who will be here next week." Katie when talking to Greg at the end of the family meeting tries to tell him that he will be "here next week" she then starts to feel nervous about how Greg appears to be reacting to her.

She tells him that his body language shows that he is not happy Greg tells her that he is happy, I know a few podcasts have really harped on the fact that Greg took acting classes and they are suspicious of him and I suspect these are the moments that will solidify their suspicions. Katie asks Greg to go outside and they stop in a darkened room to whisper at each other and I wonder if they think that being in the dark will prevent us from hearing?

Greg is grilling Katie for not telling him that she is in love with him, he is 'threatening' that he cannot be there at the end if he doesn't know now how she feels about him. Katie does not crack under the pressure and does not tell Greg that she loves him.

UH OH THERE IS STILL A LOT OF TIME LEFT ON THE EPISODE CLOCK, this is about to get ratchet! 

Greg meets with the other guys and is still morose and even a workout with Blake cannot get his mind off things so he goes to go talk to Katie, who has a camera man ready in her suite "I wasn't expecting to see you." Greg tells her he needs to talk about the other night "You still seem nervous" and Greg responds "what do you mean?" while leaning his head on his palm. Greg says that when he told Katie he loved her he felt like he was telling it to a stranger – I might be callous here but I am just reveling in points that I think I might be earning here in the fantasy league.

Hold on is Greg gas lighting? Did I not give him enough sinister credit? Katie is starting to panic because she is realizing what is happening "are you saying that you are done?" "that is exactly what I am saying." Greg tells Katie he is breaking up with her while casually keeping his head in the palm of his hand.

Greg is mad at Katie for not acknowledging his "I love you" and his pain enough…look I have called her emotionally selfish in the past but I am not sure this is the moment that should push it over the edge.
"What does the rose mean at this point? What that we are going to move on to fantasy suites? That I am going to make love to you and then what?" 

Yeesh! Greg says Katie's inability to "get it" makes him sick "I have given you everything, I have given you everything I have to offer" and then he walks out. DRAMA!

Katie chases after Greg and finds him sitting outside and tells him while sitting at his feet (if you cannot see some awkward symbolism here) after saying "I just want to give you a hug" and hugging Greg that after their last interaction she felt like if Greg left she would leave…Greg hears that and says "I deserve more…I am not happy here anymore…I am done here" and walks away again. Katie then says "I AM DONE, I AM DONE, I WANT TO GO HOME, I AM DONE."

Katie heads back to her room and begins bawling. Kaitlyn is sent in to check on her but Katie says she does not want to talk to anyone so Kaitlyn asks while clearly smiling "want to talk to me through the door?"

Katie asks reasonably "what do you want to ask me?" Kaitlyn after saying she does not want to ask questions, then starts interviewing Katie through a locked door. Kaitlyn asks Katie if she wants to get Greg back, Katie says there is no way to get him back. How does Katie pick any other guy and that guy feel comfortable with her after she breaks down like this about Greg? Kaitlyn asks "what do you want" and Katie cries "I want someone to book my flight home."

 

Instead of Bloopers we get extremely sentimental music and a recap of the fun Katie and Greg had on the season it feels like a funeral dirge should have been played. 

 I took mom to dinner and then she made me take her dress shopping she said she needed ONE dress for a wedding, we left with 2 designer dresses...