Victoria P on a podcast "I sweated my titties off in
paradise" once she got back from Bachelor in Paradise (BiP) she had to get
one of her implants removed because it deflated. With that imagery now firmly
in your mind, let's start the show.
Okay let's not quite get to the show, I have a question; are
Kim Crawford wines the new Riunite? https://youtu.be/GnhOvnIi5Us
Tell me I am crazy, go on tell me!
I know part of what bugs me about the Demi opening when she is 'stirring the pot' is that it looks so unnatural and that basically is her whole arc on this show…fakeness. I am amused however by Aaron throwing the football and the next intro is Thomas getting hit in the head with the football.
Riley apparently spent his entire downtime since the Bachelorette putting in that gym work.
We start with Serena saying "I don't like that no one has seen Maurissa and Riley" "MIND YO BIZNISS LADY"
Demi (listed as 'Demi God') and Deandra are talking "They are in the boom boom room I think" "I hope it went well, but for Connor's sake she just realizes what she has with Connor" uhmm those things do not go together. Cut to room again with more Riley and Maurissa
Ivan is now starting to talk about "potentially engaged" with Jessenia when leaving, that is never a good sign this early. So of course the show introduces Chris who admits he was "briefly on Clare's season" and he states that he is excited to see Jessenia but first he meets up with Chasen to enter paradise together and Chasen is listed as 'Smoke Bro' the devil works hard, but these producers work harder.
Chris and Chasen have a strong bromance "I think we are going to have a beach full of smoke shows...we're two smoke bros looking for some smoke shows." Chris and Chasen link arms to walk in together
Tammy calls them "Tweedledee and Tweedledum." Maybe I am reading too much into it but Jessenia has a look when the guys walk in. Serena points out that Chasen got a lot of heat for calling Tayshia "a smoke show" but many women would love to be called a smoke show...she is not wrong, it is just the messenger that is the flaw when Chasen does it.
Chasen takes Deandra for his first talk and Karl is nervous, then Chasen pulls Mari and Kenny panics too. Mari knows the history of the franchise "there are more successful couples created out of paradise." Mari lets Chasen know that she and Kenny have different plans "Kenny and I said we would not go on other dates with other people...if Chasen asks me I would go." Luckily for Kenny Chasen picks Deanda leaving Karl to ask "wassup no more love for the kid"
and Chris selects Jessenia who happily accepts, making Ivan's just shown confidence in their bond seem a bit misplaced.
Jessenia tells us that she is very excited to go on the date "I have a really good thing going with Ivan but I am still open to Chris."
The double date leads the couples to Ocatoli an intimacy guru and while this awkward date begins we cut back to Karl worried that he gave his rose to the wrong woman and Ivan talking to Noah "you are closer with Chris do you think they will get along?" Noah immediately tells Ivan that Jessenia will get along with Chris.
I told you these producers work hard, Ivan is telling us that Jessenia won't do anything too physical with Chris and we cut to the intimacy guru leading the couples through some Kama Sutra positions and bending these couples like pretzels or like "la tortuga the turtle okay."
Chris tells Jessenia that "time in paradise is so limited" every chance he gets he is going to steal her away. Jessenia says that something is missing with Ivan and Chris "seems to fill" that missing thing. "I didn't anticipate kissing Chris but I want to" and so of course a make out sesh occurs.
Back to the beach "I think if she was a 100% with you she wouldn't have gone...If I was a 100% with you I would not have gone" Demi badly stirring that pot. Maurissa as others have done tellsus that Jessenia was eager to see Chris and stated it but none of them tell this to Ivan.
I think I have changed my mind AGAIN on the casting for the Seniors version of the Bach: I was against it, then for it, then against then for during Tayshia and Clare's hybrid but now I think I am back to against it and the hang up is mine, I have no problem with senior loving and the rate of STDs in Senior living facilities say they have no problem with it either...my hang up is I do not want to see older folks acting like clowns on this show, I want to pretend that as we get older we get wiser (ignoring every political poll of the last 5 50 years deliberately here) and this is going to destroy my willful ignorance.
Did I just see a Long John Silver's ad claiming they are serving lobster bites? What is the ratio of lobster to batter in that thing?
Mari is now crying that Kenny is not all in for her, the same Mari who just told Kenny she would be happy to go on a date with someone else. Demi can be a snake here and Mari still be a hypocrite, those things do not have to be mutually exclusive.
Back to the Riley and Maurissa storyline "Was your roomate in there this morning "he said oh my gosh he was so happy when he came back this morning." Riley asks Maurissa if she has spoken to Connor yet. As Noah tells us that Connor needs to step up his game Connor comes out with his best drip which the guys describe as 'Kimono Convict' gear.
Connor starts to pepper Maurissa with questions she is ducking and dodging questions like a boxer trying to bounce off the ropes, she tells Connor that when she and Riley got back it was very late "and everyone was asleep." Connor wants to plan a date with Maurissa for the evening "I don't know we will see how the day goes." Brooooo I hate to tell you. But Tahz doesn't hate to tell Connor so she lets him know that Maurissa and Riley were in the "Boom Boom room last night." Connor now wishes Maruissa was "more honest with" him.
Lance Bass comes to talk to Natasha about her relationship with Brendan and this feels like a podcast interview I am highly suspicious.
Lance tells Natasha to stop being so hung up on the first kiss and just go for it.
In the evening Natasha and Brendan are hanging out and she asks "does your back still hurt" I know this move "do you want me to give you a massage?"
Time for Tre to do his narrator thing and tell us all about the happy couples...so expect a date card and boom here it is. The date card says "Joe it is time to fight for love." Joe obviously takes Serena on the date.
Serena during the date makes a lot of references to Joe's age, the writing on the wall is in large block letters. Serena asks about Joe's past with Kendall. The date has a lucha wrestling component
where they get to dress up like luchadores and fake a match, aka a reason to roll on the mat and kiss.
Back to the beach and Connor is lamenting over a drink with Wells. Connor has now become a cautionary tale and Ivan says "I saw what happened to Connor and I think I am going to tell Jessenia we should go all in." Ivan goes to talk to Jessenia and she says Ivan is not causing her to spark but he fills all her boxes but Chris has the spark "a spark is not something that can be forced." Which is not what Ivan wanted to hear when he asked "what is more important to you the sparks or the boxes." Ivan says the romantic aspect is "done for right now."
Karl takes Deandra aside to give her a gift but makes it a super long preamble so he gets interrupted TWICE by Chasen while trying to get to the point of telling her what the bracelet (gift) is about. Karl brought a gift "from Miami" and the bracelet has all the 'features' of paradise, palm trees, roses, hearts on it as charms...but Karl that means you planned to drop a bracelet on someone here before getting here. The cynic in me thinks that Karl brought more than one gift.
Riley asks the group around the campfire "craziest place you have had sex go...":
- James "on a trampoline" "sounds painful"
- Abigail "on a golf course" elicits a shocked "Abigail"
- Tre "A cemetery" which gets a hearty laugh from Tammy
- Kenny "A ferris wheel" while Mari stares daggers.
Riley continuing his role of carnival barker "If you could have sex with one person on this beach who would it be?" Tahz immediately "I wanna have sex with a lot of people!" Riley "Connor lets go" - Connor says "Maurissa" Karl says "Deandra" Kenny says "Mari" and shortly after that Demi walks down with a birthday cake for Kenny. The group badly sings Happy Birthday to Kenny while Demi holds a cake and Mari looks like she is contemplating murder. Demi then says "I want to go show you my other surprise so let them eat cake" as she takes Kenny from the group. Demi the producers have set up a 40th birthday area with a condom filled piñata and this leads to kissing.
Mari demands the cake from Aaron who is holding it and throws it in the fire Riley says what I would have said "Damn, I wanted a piece of that damn cake" I hate seeing food wasted!
Much of the group is on my side, Mari told Kenny she wanted to explore then got mad that he is exploring, it is hypocritical. Mari pulls Demi aside to yell at her, then Kenny to yell at him and each time we see that she is just mad that her loophole was closed.
Just as Aaron is telling us that he is confident in his connection with Tammy Tammy walks past him with Thomas which pisses Aaron off. Tammy and Aaron go to sit on a daybed in full view of Aaron, Tre and James, this is not good because James and Tre are gassing Aaron up. Thomas says "if Aaron was not here I would have kissed you right as we sat down" "I don't see why you would not though." As the trio watches Tammy leans in and kisses Thomas and Tre and James let y'all know that they are not as sweet as you thought they were: James "She's a dog bro" Tre starts to call her a "Trash bag ho" I am pretty sure of this but then realizes he is on camera and clips the 'ho' "That is such trashbag...bro she straddled him.. Bro I am disgusted, bro with her " Tre continues "Tammy has been displaying human trash bag behaviour in my opinion. She played him."
Thomas says to Tammy "You're a villain" "I am not" and the make-out continues.
Aaron "Looks like I gave her a rose so that she can spend time with the person I hate the most/"
Meanwhile Connor is playing his guitar on the beach and Tahz continues her 'freak out' "why is everyone trying to like check me? Tahz can't pee, Tahz can't poop, Tahz can't do anything." Tahz sounds dehydrated.
Tahz is demolishing a plate of spaghetti ("Spaghetti always does the trick" as Serena tells us "okay we got Tornado Tahz, Hurricane Demi, Aaron is about to flip a table, and we got Mari the tsunami about to crash on the beach today and I don't think anyone is ready for it." Y'all really wanna see your grandpa and grandma getting down like this? Demi takes Kenny to the boom boom room to finish his birthday present.
The day after and the gossip is flying as the women recap Tammy straddling Thomas in front of Aaron, Demi's thought on this is that Aaron is one of the hottest guys in the house.
COCKTAIL PARTY (which by the looks of the clock will extend into the next episode):
Kenny says to the group that he and Mari are done and he has moved on to Demi to which Mari responds "what you told me last night was that we would cool off for now and that we would revisit...and also I don't think that is appropriate to announce to everyone." Lance Bass comes in to tell the group that he met his husband on that beach and oh that 4 guys are going home tonight.
Aaron asks to talk to Thomas and they depart from the group. Thomas off the bat says "Tammy kissed me" bro we all saw it you did not have to lead with it as a defense mechanism. Aaron tells Thomas that it was "disrespectful and humiliating" "I spent a week getting to know her and now everyone is pitying me." I think more of Aaron's concern is the bruised ego less the loss of 'love.' Tammy decides she is going to go and talk to the two men and we get the dreaded/expected 'To be Continued.'
I refuse to watch the previews for the next show because it will completely ruin the start of the show if you are seeing guys in daylight because then obviously they survived the rose ceremony.
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