The fact that I just burned my tongue on a too hot donut as I fire this show up just feels right.
Tituss Burgess ("TB")gets added to the opening montage holding a magnum of wine.
We start with 9 guys and 14 girls so the math is scary for the ladies who are not coupled up.
The waters are starting to swirl around Brendan as the ladies start to call out the fact that his friendship with the other men appears to be protecting him.
Cocktail Party:
TB comes out to talk to the ladies and makes a reference to Alana coming in and leaving in one day Jessenia makes a crack about people plotting to get on paradise and seeking screen time.
As the party progresses Natasha is starting to get more juiced up as she has listeners and Demi gassing her up, Joe is always happy to join in (plus THEY SHARE A PODCAST created by "the producers of the Bachelor Franchise," I am not even labeling it that way, that is literally the tagline on the website).
Joe leads his team or "harem" as Pieper describes it and Brendan says "Joey is coming at me." Weird that none of the other guys roll up it is just Joe and women, not even Riley while his partner Maurissa is in this mess.
Brendan is being grilled and finally Deandra says what I was thinking, let's hear from Pieper. Pieper really has DGAF energy and does not try to pretend that she cared to talk to anyone else on her way to paradise. Brendan stands firm and says there is no rule book to paradise...he aint wrong...ish.
Brendan says he is "going to remove myself" and Maurissa asks "from the situation or from paradise" and Brendan snaps back "That is not your concern" which Demi calls disrespectful...DEMI!
Brendan and Pieper ("BP") continue to act like they do not know how mic packs and cameras work and snitch on themselves in their quiet moments - "obviously we all care about followers, that is just part of this franchise...And obviously I am excited for the future possibility of making more money, but I would have gotten there eventually. I have a masters degree in marketing" Pieper is saying the quiet part out loud.
BP sound like they are thinking along my lines, you cannot let the mob chase you out. But now we hear Pieper tell Brendan "I told you I didn't want to come, I told you." Uh oh! Brendan asks "do you wanna go?" Pieper responds "I wanna rewind time." Demi is crowing to others about her targeting BP and BP walks up and B lets the assembled crowd know that P is the girl he wants to be with so they are leaving together. P is looking super salty in the 'limo' as they drive off.
Riley and Maurissa ("RM") break off and Maurissa has a blanket set up with strawberries and whipped cream ON THE SAND. She set up a game where you draw body parts from a bowl and you have to lick whipped cream from the body part. R first draws 'thighs' so as he licks we get the black box, then Maurissa gets 'lips',
here is the thing this is NOT on a secluded part of the beach so as Riley licks from 'chest' pretty much the entire cast is watching. But then Maurissa draws 'toes' (we assume since the draw was not seen) and loads up R's big toe with whipped cream and goes for the kill after they walked to that blanket ON THE SAND!
Note they are close enough to the bar that Wells the bartender can see them interacting. After the toe sucking there is a jaunt to the 'boom boom room.
' Let me be clear I do not care if YOU suck your partners toe's but Wells is echoing my thoughts...ON THE SAND
...When they come back and R asks for "2 glasses of champagne please" Tammy asks "what are we celebrating a baby?"
While the show is on real life intrudes slightly as the Cali gubernatorial recall vote scrolls in the lower third as Thomas tells Tammy that he had a good date with Becca. It is Tammy's birthday but Thomas is not here to give her a great birthday gift. Tammy is telling Thomas that she is willing to fight but Thomas tells Tammy "things just feel a little more stable" "With us?" "Elsewhere" Thomas one date with Becca makes you think things would be more stable with her? Ouch.
Tammy says "I trusted you with everything and I feel like a fool for trusting you." Thomas tries to give Tammy platitudes and she tells him she does not need to hear any of that junk from him. Tammy's dress is not made for crying on a beach. Becca takes Thomas off for a make-out session "are you okay?"
Tammy lets us know "LAST YEAR I GOT COVID ON MY BIRTHDAY AND THIS IS TEN TIMES WORSE." Uhmm Tammy for the sake of the world and your health maybe sleep through your next birthday? At this point I wouldn't be surprised if whatever city she is in for her next birthday is invaded or worse.
Rose Ceremony:
Wells continues to host the Rose Ceremony and I think this is screen testing for a potential hosting gig on the main franchise. Natasha gets presented with a specialty rose to preserve her time on the show. OH COME ON THIS IS SHADY, THE SHOW NEVER PROTECTS ANYONE BUT SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR THE FRANCHISE? I kid you not, going into the commercial break I wondered if the show would spring a surprise, but I thought it might have been by bringing in new guys early.
Roses:
Riley to Maurissa; Joe to Serena; Ivan to Kendall (while Joe stares); Noah to Abigail; Kenny to Mari (as Demi makes a face);
James to Tia; Thomas to Becca (Tammy now regrets leaving Aaron for Thomas); Aaron gets the power rose and selects Chelsea. Tammy "I am so angry at myself, I feel so betrayed, I feel so stupid, I feel like an idiot." "This is the worst birthday ever" and Tammy houses a cupcake in the goodbye car.
Demi's anger with leaving seems to be more about the fact that Kenny chose Mari over her and less about her not finding love.
As the remaining group toasts Lil Jon rolls in and hits the group with a "YEAH!" Lil Jon and Natasha spray the group with champagne, the black man in me thinks Natasha made sure to keep her hair on the dry side of the champagne display.
Next morning:
Riley works out in bunny slippers.
Blake from Clare's season shows up
and tells us that he turned 32 during lockdown so this is his birthday present. Blake is tatted up and this is making Tia hot and Natasha oohs.
Blake pulls Tia so James immediately panics. I am amused that so many think that Blake has amazing tats and I am not a fan of his ink. Blake says "it is good to formally meet you" as he and Tia break and I am immediately suspicious. Blake takes Tia for "the ride of your life."
James' ride in paradise is so bad that we get the rare acknowledgement of the passage of time as we are told multiple times that every Monday he has to get a new partner.
Date time:
lil Jon rolls up in an ATV for the couple.
Tia tells us that kissing Blake makes her vagina dance (James was right to be worried) Tia also tells us that she is ovulating right now, I guess we needed to know that too (in case she gets pregnant?). I also was silly enough to search "vagina dance gif" and not expect the stuff I saw while remoted in to my work desktop.
Mari and Kenny go to the boom boom room to "play patty cake on the bed, that's it" no matter what the night vision shows us.
Natasha is seeing the couples around paradise and feeling a bit mopey. As she tells us that she needs a man "with alcohol wipes to wipe" her white board completely clean from any smudges of past relationships...in walks Dr. Joe, hey did you guys know that doctors use alcohol wipes?
Dr. Joe takes Nat aside to talk to her first and the whole beach is hoping that Joe will take her on the date...he does. As Joe and Nat walk off he notes "Brendan is not here" "Oh he was."
Dr. Joe ("DJ") breaks out his attempt at Spanish and like a gentleman dinks the large margarita with a bug so that Nat can have a bug free glass. Back to the beach and the remaining group note that DJ and Brendan are boys and that it might not be the best thing for Nat to bring up that she and Brendan had a strong interaction. DJ immediately is told by Nat that she and Brendan had a strong interaction, "did you know that they were dating?" Nat asks that question of DJ re BP with the look that will let any smart guy know that the only safe answer is a form of "no" so Joe side steps with "not dating, dating."
Natasha in her ITM knows that telling DJ about her issues with Brendan immediately changed the dynamic as DJ keeps repeating "It had to be Brendan huh?"
Regular Joe ("RJ") is in a good place with Serena while Kendall still stares at the couple. Joe continues to wear slides with socks on the beach, it is so weird, he must have a foot fungus or something, I just cannot shake that strategy without there being something wrong. RJ and Serena go for a picnic on the beach and Serena "shoots [her] shot here" "I am falling in love with you" and RJ responds "I am falling in love with you too." Kendall says "it is relatively new" about her break up with RJ of "a year and a half ago." Kendall is starting to worry that she should not be in paradise. Ivan picks a really bad time to try to kiss Kendall.
Bloopers:
Aaron lists out "the facts in paradise" - "It is hot as F#$k - Fact" "Mosquitoes wake up every morning and choose violence. - Fact" "Riley is an attorney and he thinks education is important, but he also thinks big biceps is important-er - Fact" "Thomas is a big body trash can - Fact" "When it comes to Noah, Noah doesn't know-ah when to shut the F#@k up - Fact" "James is like my homey-homey...I'm team James all the way - Fact" "I have been in paradise for over a month now, and I know these might seem like these are my opinions but I promise you they are BIG FACTS." See Aarons are always funny, y'all are welcome.
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