Oh Lord help me! I pushed back starting because I wanted to work out (destroying all of that with pizza) but is this really a THREE HOUR EPISODE? Why does this show hate me? I may have to break this up and finish in the morning.
Again Lil Jon breaks out the empathetic voice as we get the recap of Ivan then the switch up to salacious voice.
Trying my hardest to not open another bag of Takis Waves.
Ivan tells Aaron "to keep that same energy" when Aaron gets in Ivan's face, Ivan knows no one fights on this show so it is a pretty safe move to step to anyone on this beach.
Chelsea is not on the beach to see all of the back and forth, makes me suspicious that the producers hid her away on purpose to build tension.
Ivan is talking a lot of smack while Aaron is not there but Aaron and James come back up to the main group Aaron apologizes for getting heated but Ivan senses weakness and pounces. Ivan keeps claiming that Chelsea was the one who came up to talk to him, BUT the show slides us a recap and it is clear that Ivan was the one who went to talk to Chelsea. You can tell it is a flashback because it is in sepia.
The problem for Aaron is that Ivan has more friends and he just has James, also Ivan is a bit smoother so Aaron is getting frustrated. Ivan has fully lied in everyone's face and now has Riley stepping in to defend him and Riley is yelling at Aaron who does my move where you side eye look at your aggressors and start to wonder in your head, how many shots can you get off before the sheer numbers pummel you...aka me swinging on a whole group of Lakers fans first year of law school...I gave as good as I got, SPURS FAN FOR LIFE!
Ivan's lie is not a very good one because really it can be easily disproved but it appears he is hoping Aaron will do something dumb like get frustrated and swing on him or leave the show (Ivan even says "there's the stairs") before Chelsea returns and can shed light on the situation. We almost see Ivan's plan work when Aaron tells James he is thinking of leaving and James tells him nope.
Chelsea returns and when she hears about the situation lets some of the girls know that she did not pull Ivan, Natasha is aghast that Ivan "is a liar."
Aaron asks Chelsea to talk and Aaron is calmer than you would expect and tells her it is okay if she wanted to talk to Ivan "that is why we are here or whatever" but Chelsea immediately assures him that Ivan pulled her and not the way Ivan has told the story.
Chelsea then goes to talk to Ivan and he starts a version but she says "everyone says that you said 'Chelsea pulled me'" which immediately makes Ivan hard of hearing "what's up?" "EVERYONE SAID..." Ivan compounds his lie and starts to claim he never said "Chelsea pulled me" he claims "I did not know Chelsea had an interest in me."
I think this season Ivan has steadily diminished his standing in Bachelor Nation but tonight he has decided to set fire to it.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Now that she is safe from concern Natasha is beaming as the lineup begins.
Wells comes in and tells the group that something has to be addressed first, "something happened at the hotel while we were sheltering from the storm...Ivan can we go talk." Notice the show waited to hype the drama here so Wells and Ivan go off to talk. The talk is visible to the assembled group and they are all speculating what Ivan might have done. Noah was his roommate at the hotel but claims he does not know what Ivan might have done. Apparently the group was not supposed to leave their rooms. Ivan confesses that he was feeling lost in paradise and "last night I spent time with Alexa at the hotel." Wells asks "how did this happen, she is not here yet" as in on the beach. Ivan saw a producer's phone with Alexa's name on it so he swiped the info to her room
"I shouldn't have gone around the system...love makes you do weird crazy things" uhmm bro you cannot be calling it love right after claiming you had never met her before. Wells tells Ivan to come clean to the group to make it better than if Wells lets the group know.
Ivan tells the group that Alexa from Peter's season has been the person he has been waiting for
then claims that if Chelsea had offered him her rose he would not have accepted it because he was checked out of the Paradise experience...sure bro, which is why you joined the line up, it is why you had your boy Riley defend you, it is why you tried to get Aaron booted...but sure you would not have accepted the rose. By the way it is okay to not remember who Alexa is, I got you:
I remain convinced Riley's biggest regret is not that Ivan disappointed him but that he yelled at Aaron on behalf of lies.
Roses still have to go out:
Serena to Joe; Abigail to Noah; Maurissa to Riley with Maurissa adding "it has been years since I felt this way about someone" (but you got there without dating right since you have never been on a date before paradise right?); Mari to Kenny; Becca to Thomas; Chelsea to Aaron; Natasha to Ed (bye bye Dr. Joe, I suspect Brendan hurt you here)
; Tia to James as Riley squeezes Blake's shoulder in solidarity, Tia tells James the rose is due to his effort.
Next Day:
Wells tells the group to go down to the beach "to meet your new guest host for the week" I love how they pretend that there will be full weeks. The cast gets to the beach and...the host is...Wells!
I predicted that, it felt too easy with the show not putting a host in the start promo reel. (Of course the cast does not have the benefit of watching from a couch).
Kenny and Mari are hitting a rocky patch, Kenny is saying the passion is waning and asks Mari "do you think we need to pump the brakes a little bit?" Now now Kenny, is this because you have lost the excitement of 2 women fighting over you? Or has Mari gotten too comfortable with you? Convenient feelings the day after men get the roses.
The 'Home Economics' cast breaking it down to 'Come on and Bring it' by Devmo made me chuckle through their ad.
Maurissa, Tia and Becca eat popcorn while ogling some of the men exercising.
Anna from Matt's season gets to the beach and tells us "I am known for not being very nice." Anna's smell is complemented by Wells and she tells him (then shows us) that she is wearing pheromones as she dabs some more on.
Anna grabs Kenny first and Mari is not happy, she worries that in the 'real world' Kenny and Anna live close to each other, she does not need to worry, Kenny tells Anna that if she asks him on a date he would say no due to Mari. Thomas also says no to a date with Anna. James is next pulled by Anna he is excited by the pull, James says "I am the only guy that has not been on a date, guy or girl." James accepts a date from Anna. Tia acknowledges that James should get the chance to explore but she is not happy about it.
Abigail has a talk with Wells about her and Noah, Wells tells her to open up to Noah.
Date:
The couple are expecting a sensual massage, instead they are directed to create a human churro, where they roll in cinnamon and sugar, slather themselves in chocolate sauce and then rub each other
...their host then returns with a pair of yellow boa snakes which she places on the couple. Were they boas? I have a massive snake phobia so I was kind of looking away from the screen while the snakes were on.
I would have packed everything up and left that date immediately. CUT ME FROM THE SHOW I DO NOT CARE. While Tia and her cohort are on the beach talking about James he is back on the date making out with Anna.
I am cracking up at the Melissa Joan Hart ad for Maxwell House I am never going to get through to the third hour of this show tonight because the ads have been so good.
Mykenna finally makes it to the beach, she was in that group of 4 women that got to go to the VIP party earlier in the season but she didn't make it to the beach. Mykenna is canvassing the guys for a date and it is not going well until Aaron shows her some kindness and Mykenna takes that to mean she should ask him on the date so she asks in public if he would like to go on the date and Aaron responds "Yeah let's chat real quick." Aaron takes her aside to let her down gently. Aaron's response leaves Mykenna crying though she held it together until Aaron left so he thinks she is okay.
The group watches Mykenna cry from afar and finally Ed goes down to talk to Mykenna and Ed tries to get a date with Mykenna and I am suffering terrible second hand embarrassment from watching Ed try to get this date...Mykenna tells him she would rather go home, but Ed pushes.
Ed's insistence on getting this date makes me go from embarrassment to uncomfortable. While the group is cheering that Ed is getting a date Natasha is staring daggers - this group does not care for Natasha as much as they pretend in interviews.
Ed and Mykenna ("Myk") walk off into the sunset.
Natasha ("Nat") tell us she gave Ed her rose because she thought he really liked her...you might remember that Nat's radar has not been the best.
Date:
Ed and Myk are going roller skating, I have literally never been on roller skates, I would bust my ass. "Thanks for inviting yourself on my date" which leads to a makeout after dinner. Myk says she does not want the night to end.
Back to Nat and she is starting to think she is getting played...again.
Other couples on the beach like Joe and Serena think they have a solid plan while Mari worries about her relationship with Kenny "I need something to help it" so right on time we get the show sending in a priestess who is also a bruja (witch) to Deus ex machina the relationship. Uhmm does Thomas speak Spanish did I just hear him translate? I would not have expected that.
The Bruja takes Mari and Kenny for a cleansing ceremony, while the group watches from afar and Thomas sounds mildly jealous that he did not get to participate. I am becoming more annoyed by the depictions of Mexicans on this show, they tend to be just props and more often than not stereotypical props at that.
Noah tells us he is ready to tell Abigail that he is falling for her, but he is worried she will not say it back. Noah tells Abigail that he is falling in love with her and his feelings are very strong for her and Abigail literally just winks back and smiles when Noah says "a wink." Off to commercial break.
We come back from commercial break not to Noah and Abigail but to Ed and Myk with Myk calling Ed old at 37.
The show has created 'Paradise Prom' and it is going to be 80s themed because the producers are probably all around my age and AMERICANS around my age REALLY REALLY LOVE THE BLOODY 80s.
As Aaron says based on the clothing from the 80s he is going to assume "that everyone was a professional clown."
Joe is very excited about prom and carves his request to Serena in the sand.
All the guys are doing cheesy gestures to ask the ladies out.
Now that Anna is here Tia is not confident that James will ask her out "at this point since Natasha is sick I am the only who is here all alone." Am I too cynical to think that Nat's sickness is heart-sickness?
Chelsea tells us that she wants to have fun with Aaron "but Aaron is busy having fun with James."
Wells spikes the punch to keep the prom theme and bartender theme going strong.
Tia is floating around the prom feeling lost because she has no one to talk to...but Aaron pulls her aside to take her outside, he tells her he doesn't want to have any regrets so he gives her a corsage and they make out...so Tia you are not a villain in this also? Aaron is for sure a super-villain here, but Tia is not an innocent. As Chelsea points out "it is rude and disrespectful" by Aaron and makes me feel extra confident in all of my prior assertions in prior recaps that Aaron's biggest issue was feeling insulted by the guys trying to take 'HIS women' not because he had any love or even mild concern for the women.
Aaron saw his homie James with Tia and once his homie was over Tia it became his turn?
Time for Paradise Superlatives:
Biggest flirt - Kenny
Best kisser - (of toes) Maurissa
Most likely to live happily ever after - Abigail and Noah...Abigail now tells us that she didn't register it the night before when Noah told her he was falling for her "he said it so quickly I thought he said it accidentally" so she plans to tell him tonight she is falling for him. Will Noah break up with her before she gets the chance.
The Paradise Prom King and Queen are Joe and Serena.
Noah and Abigail go off to chat and Noah is worried that with fantasy suites coming up he doesn't want to do a disservice to themselves..."gut feeling...you can love somebody but not be in love with them." Noah does not want to hurt Abigail so he is concerned about how to talk to Abigail. Noah lets us know that it is Abigail's first prom, but he is still going to have the talk with her, thought you didn't want to hurt her bro? As Noah talks Abigail looks stone faced. When she finally speaks Abigail says she has "never been this blindsided before." "You have been pushing and pushing me to get to your level...but you had more than 24 hours to tell me...you said you have been losing sleep over it" Abigail is dissecting Noah's inconsistencies. "My entire paradise is Noah...I don't know why he picked tonight to have this conversation" yuuup! Abigail goes to the bathroom to escape Noah and we hear her crying.
Oh hey we still have lil Jon to give us voiceover work to promo the next episode.
Bloopers:
James and Aaron are working out together.
"James and Aaron are the bromance" "If James or Aaron went home, the other would self eliminate" - Tia. "I told him yesterday that if he talks to James more than me today I am taking my rose back." - Chelsea.
I failed on not opening that bag.
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