Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, August 10, 2009

“Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage” (though, the horse and carriage concept is a bit outdated…I’m not saying, I’m just saying

So this is dangerous territory, writing about the fairer sex at a rapid pace and not pausing to think about your words can never be safe (rarely PC) and can lead to fun interactions, but oh well, LETS DO IT!!

A couple of my really close male friends are getting married, and they have both asked me to be in their weddings…it shows the state of my mental deficiency/incapacity/reluctance to accept that friends would get married or that they would want me in their weddings that the first words to both of them were not congratulations but “ARE YOU SURE?” Now do not get me wrong, I went on to congratulate them (sadly Greg had to prompt me on his…My Bad!), and I do think they are doing the right thing (I kid you not I actually wrote wrong thing and had to go back and change it…even my fingers will not come around to the idea) getting married, I just still have moments where marriage seems like an immense leap.

I applaud relationships, I think they are ‘great I think a man is not whole until he finds himself that special someone. But for some reason I still pause when I hear the word marriage…especially amongst my friends!!! Does it say something about the circle I am in? Does it say something about me? For instance, if Assassin right now told me he was getting married I would immediately ask him “When is the baby due?” That is WRONG, yet, 100% predictable.

As a group my friends seem so incapable of staying in lasting relationships that I guess I find it hard to believe that any of us are capable of doing the right thing…but, (and depending on the girl that could be a BIG BUTT [sorry cannot help myself]) I find myself in a relationship and I THOUROUGHLY enjoy it, she is a wonderful girl, treats me right (sometimes) great cook, witty, smart, sexier than anything you have and willing to put up with me (bonus), may it last forever.

How did this happen? I know I had no control over this, in fact I was floored to find out I was in a relationship and that too is part of what inspired this blog: MEN ARE BLOODY IDIOTS, REALLY WE ARE MORONS. I never understand guys that act like they are God’s gift to women, in reality we are LUCKY when they choose us because never mistake it, they choose us. Yeah there might be that random moment when some random quick fling daggering occurs, but when it comes to a long term relationship, they CHOOSE us, we might think we are ‘settling down’ but nope, she has made us stay home.

Is this why men cheat? Are they trying to break away and assert independence, kind of like that docile dog that one day just bites someone? Are they just trying to prove that yes you dressed me up in a pink sweater even though I have fur (you made me wear that sweater vest) and yes I allow you to walk me with a rhinestone studded leash (I went shoe shopping and kept my mouth shut) and yes you gave me a poodle cut even though I am a bull dog (yes I think it is awesome when you tell me how much of a ‘slut’ my ex-girlfriend is) I still have teeth (I have the ability to hook up with others). I swear as I type this I got this IM from Assassin (we are discussing that some cute girl is visiting his home and I called him an unflattering term for promiscuous persons: “ meh... she's here with her bf... eye candy only” - - The leash is on but he is fighting it.

My old roomie, settled down and is happy, I envy that. I want that, I like that he and his wife are making it work. Love is important, it is necessary it is hard to attain. Don’t believe me? Read on dear friend read on. I have a really good friend who seemed to have it all, his girl was making bank, he had a decent job, they had a house, they were together for years (anything over than 2 to me feels like a de facto marriage) the marriage seemed like it was inevitable but, it did not happen. Now when I first heard they broke up I thought to myself, “Dating for over 3 years, why bother to break up now?” Problem is, he was cool with how things were and ‘she’ wanted more. A relationship cannot work if one party is just ‘ok with the status quo’. In her words he needed to ‘get it together’ and while I want to disagree with her…I cannot. After three years I guess you really have to walk down that aisle or walk away from each other.

Amantes sunt amentes (lovers are lunatics):
“It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?” F the pain away by Peaches (other lyrics too raunchy)

I like asking my friends this very simple question: “HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX SOBER?” Now this does not mean blind stumbling drunk just whether the first time they had sex with someone, some alcohol was involved. The results are rarely pretty. In fact (since I am a huge fan of train-wreck theater) the results are awesome. One friend replied with, “I cannot have sex sober”. Think about it in your own life, I am not asking you about the 20th time you and your significant other engaged in sexual congress I am asking about the first time. One of my colleagues (momentary discretion here, no names) has had sex with at least 18 girls and has never had Sex Sober! Strange world we live in, that an act that comes naturally to many, and is desired by many seems to require alcohol as lubrication to grease the wheels. (Some of you can substitute high, for alcohol here and the premise remains the same)

“I hate my girl man, I am going to break up with her”
“Dude I am going to marry her, I love her man”
“Man, I need to leave her”
“She is such a bitch” [2 hours later] “Ok everything is ok now, I love her”
“Should I break up with her?” “Why won’t you tell me what you think?”
“She wants to live together” [she had previously planned to leave the city]
“You just do not understand man, she is just bitchy sometimes, otherwise we are cool”
--All of the above came from one friend over a 6 month period about his girlfriend. This is why I sometimes wonder what has become of my life, if my friends are this crazy, what does it say about me that I am still friends with the lunatics? Like clockwork every week he and I talk about how much he hates her or how much he loves her and yet he will never leave her…this cannot be healthy!

Can a girl stay in a relationship if she does not control all of it? I do not know, I am not trying to spout off, I just do not know. I watch my female friends and they seem to become flustered if they are not fully in control of the relationship (not controlling the guy, that is something else). I joked with a friend and asked her “How is the hubby?” when inquiring about her bf and she freaked out, apparently others had been making that joke recently and she was not prepared for such jokes…hmm Why? I know this blog is filled with questions, but I am just free flowing here and I realize just how little I know about a creature that I have hunted for the last 16 years of my life.

I am friends with all of my exes, I may not talk to most of them, but I am at least friends with them. So many people I know cannot abide to be anywhere near their exes and I find that strange, because at some point you must have been attracted to them, have been compatible with them, what went so wrong that you cannot even be around them? I have an ex that I even think cheated on me (may she R.I.P.) but I have never actually confronted her with it, preferring to go with the Mario Winans “I don’t wanna know” attitude.

However, (and you have to say that aggressively) I cannot abide hearing about any of my exes dating NONE OF THEM, even the ones that I just dated for a short span. So far none of my exes have gotten married; none have become pregnant (well…) or acquired kids. I do not want to date any of them again, yet I cannot stomach the thought of any of them getting married????? I am a weird guy, I am not naturally jealous and I am not selfish, in fact I have a hard time saying no (and friends use this to their advantage, I might as well open up a pro-bono moving company). Yet for some reason I do not want to think of any of ‘my girls’ with other people. I am not naïve and I even understand the science behind the body, but I still pretend that all my girlfriends are virgins, long may they remain pure!

A colleague mentioned to me that he recently re-connected with his ex-wife and he was torn about the fact that she had produced seed and was dating a guy that did not look as good as him (his judgment not mine). I could tell that he was torn up by it, and he came to me for advice, the thing is, I completely understood it, even though it was his ex-wife he still did not want to see her changed.

So many guys hope for their exes to become fat and ugly after they break up, that is the last thing I want. I would never, ever want someone I dated to become ugly, I want to always look back with no regrets, and if ‘she’ ever became ugly I would have to wonder what I saw in her.

Finally, believe it guys, we have no control, NONE, the moment you accept that, you will enjoy your relationships more. Girls dress for each other, not for you. You are barely window dressing on the house; when they take you shopping, you are not there to approve outfits you are there to either talk to them or to make you feel like you are included and have a say (you have none, my girl actually told me that to my face…I already knew it).

I should re do my business cards and on the back put:
“To all male clients please practice saying these words:
- You are right, I am wrong
- Those look great
- Anything you want
- Sweet, I would love to do that
- No, this game is not that important
- I think your sister is pretty [use for an escape moment when you really, really want to get out of the relationship]
Selah,

6 comments:

Rachel said...

Entertaining and insightful. I myself cannot believe I'm at that age where all my friends are engaged/married/having babies, and I've even had a couple exes of mine end up married w/ kids. Scaaaary.

PS: Glad to hear you're in a happy relationship :)

Anonymous said...

First off, I wouldn't say men have NO control...what's stopping them from quitting the bread-winning job or going out and daggering the field...oh yeah women.

And you don't mention the sexual aspect to the control issues. Men have the key, but women are the gatekeepers. I wouldn't directly translate that into control in all areas of life (though for some it might). A woman can obviously go to any bar and come home satisfied (to an extent), whereas a guy must put forth a much grander effort to do the same or less.

And it seems a little two-faced/double-standardish to say that you are critical of those who won't be friends with exes, yet you do not wish your exes to have the best sex of their lives with pro basketball players.

I don't think men want their exes to rot for eternity in Mormon Utah, but we also want to feel like we were at least close to the best they've had.

Alpa-dog reactions man. And I don't think marriage has to be seen as a lock-up. It could just be a realization that as far as relationships can go, this man/woman is the closest thing you believe you will ever find to a best friend that you LOVE sleeping with and can see a future develop. Than again, maybe it's just a case of Puss^%-whipping.

Anonymous said...

As a guy in his late 20s who's been through much of what the CaliJ just blogged about and I think think he largely speaks the truth, this is what I have to say for the fairer sex....

I am completely jaded on the whole "falling in love" thing... or even liking a girl.

It's not that I don't ever "date" girls or whatever the appropriate definition is. I am just incapable of liking the fairer sex anymore.

I came to this realization just recently when my roommate ran into me and a girl I was out and about with. The next day, my roommate pointed out that this girl was cute and seemed pretty fun and got the stamp of approval over other girls she has met. I generally agreed with that assessment. Then, after she said that I looked like I was enjoying myself, she pointedly asked: "you like her, don't you? You're totally in love!" I just kind of looked at her like she was crazy and said: "no, I don't like anybody." When I said it, I thought it was hyperbole... I mean, I didn't like that girl but I must like some girl out there, at least a bit, right? I thought it over more, though, and realized it was the truth...

I know and regularly hang out with a good number of cute, totally fun, good-looking girls that -- at pretty much any other point in my life -- I would have fallen in love with. I mean, we always have great times together and they're easy on the eyes, smart, motivated, etc. Objectively, each of them is a great catch. But, I can honestly say that I will never consider liking them more than as "just friends." (On a side note: I do agree with the CaliJ that the woman picks the man and I recognize that me liking them means little in their formulas.)

Why? Whenever I like someone, it ends in disappointment so why bother liking anybody? I'm not bitter about disappointing endings; I am convinced that's just the way things are. It could be disappointing for a multitude of reasons, not because "she doesn't like me back" or "she didn't choose me." In fact, I think those are lame reasons to NOT like someone.

Saying that, it's stunning to me that men and women can get together and not end whatever they have in a flurry of disappointment in relatively no time at all. I cannot comprehend even being close to a girl for any extended period of time, let alone months or years, without walking away disappointed. Some people even have the ability to bounce from one serious relationship to another like it was nothing; THAT is completely unbelievable to me. Part of me envies these people's ability and wonders why I haven't been able to achieve anything close to that. Am I too demanding? too quirky? too psychotic? too distant? perhaps I'm a "project"?

Perhaps I am actually bitter about all of this...

SWoo said...

You're in a relationship?

swiffer sheet V said...

I should check you blog more often. I recently dated a guy for two months consistently. It was does consistently mean. Hanging out everday. This is the longest I have dated someone in 3 years. Why is that? I have become cynical over the years in regards to dating. I have had long term relationships and none have been good endings. This last 2 month relationship, just reaffirmed what I think of guys. In the end, the guy's insecurities and issues with relationships make him runaway before it gets too real or he get too attached. Don't get me wrong, girls have issues and insecurities too which make them neurotic. They handle them differently than guys. Most girls suck it up and continue the relationship rather than fleeing. This latest situation, reminded me why I don't date. In the end, my self-respect and feelings pay for the guy's insecurities and issues.

Crankyputz said...

I think Love is a choice you make every day. And you can't have love without respect.

And if you manage to have the two with someone, then life is smooth sailing.

Glad your with someone whose making you happy.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.