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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Bachelor recap, or...I read MLK day meaning into everything on the show.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
MLK fought so hard for equality for us all, to make everyone know that we are all equal members of the human race; that the only difference between us is skin color...the bachelor producers have still not got that memo thus I am able to watch this show tonight and realize "THE BLACK GIRL IS STILL ON!!!!" I love you MLK, I am a 'Jr' because of you (my dad does not let me use the 2nd until I have a son) but the struggle sir, it is still real!

Tonight Jimmy Kimmel joins the show (ABC cross branding at its finest) he introduces the 'Amazing' jar. Everytime someone says the word 'amazing' a dollar has to go into the jar. He kids that he is here to have sex with all the girls to test them for Chris...I suspect a few of them would have taken him up on the offer. Chris Prime already does so little on this show, adding Kimmel to this seems like over kill to have C Prime there.

Kaitlyn gets the first date The date card hints at hors'devoires so she and the other girls think it is going to be a fancy date. Instead the limo drops the off in front of a Costco. Jimmy has given them a grocery list and hijnks ensue, they do the usual fake shopping that you see on TV where people get to clown around in the store with no repercussions! Chris of course kisses her. Kiss count ONE. (btw in case some of you are smart asses the kiss count is not every kiss he gives out but rather for each girl he kisses. If it were per kiss we would run into too high a digit). Kaitlyn claims that the thing she likes about Chris is that he is not glamorous, this causes a kiss (see that would be 2) I chuckle knowing that she has prepped for this scenario. There is laughter then multiple kisses (that would be 3 or if you are the type that counts each pause as one, 7).

Jimmy shows up for the date, and starts to grill Kaitlyn as Chris grills the steak (yes I know you see what I did there). Kaitlyn claims to have dated farmers before. Jimmy says he asks the tough questions and that he is a lubricant to get things through...yup ABC. Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if at the end of the season she is watching the show with Chris and sees that he went to the fantasy suite with multiple women, would she be okay with it. She seems pretty chill and says she would be cool with it "you gotta test drive the car".

We cut to the house for the date card and there are already a tonne of $1 bills in the jar, that is amazing if amazing now stands for the least shocking thing on earth.
Back to the one on one on one (Jimmy) the rose is presented to Kaitlyn by Chris he says 'amazing' twice...sigh. I swallow 2 ibuprofens they are for my ankles but lord maybe they will stave off the headache this show might eventually cause.

Back to the show, with Jillian working out, her butt gets black barred again while squatting (happy MLK day)

The group date is a "hoe down, throw down" funny guys these producers.
Basically a stereotyped obstacle course of what life on the farm is like for a 'little lady'. Jillian does a little too much flexing. The first step is shucking corn, then grabbing an egg from a chicken coop, cracking it into a frying pan (without breaking the yolk) then milking a goat (Jillian's shorts are so short that she gets black barred again), then drinking the goat's milk (some of the girls are reacting like they are being forced to swallow acid)...Black Amber "I am kind of glad I didn't have to drink the milk...the way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm, not stuff I like in my mouth...but some girls said it tasted like protein" come on, on MLK day? We have the black girl saying this with the smirk? Everyone has heard the stereotype of black women vs white women and oral and we cut to a picture of 2 white women with creamy milk trickling out of the side of their mouths...sigh.

The next obstacle is shoveling manure into a wheel barrow; then getting into a pig pen to grab a greased pig, Jillian vaults into the pen (black barred again) many a girl mentions her butt throughout, so I guess it really was sticking out there tonight Ludacris would say "I'm the new phenomenon like white women with Ass" (- 'Blow it out') [HAPPY MLK day]Carly wins the competitionpig The Bachelor 19, Episode 3, recap: Of course theres sex in the fantasy suite and thats okay, Kaitlyn tells Jimmy Kimmel and Chris Soules and she gets to dress up like the American Gothic painting with Chris.

Evening portion of the date, and Carly pulls Chris aside first, and thus gets to kiss him first TWO.
Black girl Amber is up next and dances with Chris (there is no music) all a pretext to kiss him THREE
Jillian kisses him as aggressively as you would expect FOUR
The 21 year old acts like a kid and says something along the lines of "Remember when I kissed you on that first night, why are you kissing other people" or to put it in the terms of a non-practical person "hey I know there are all these other girls that you may be interested in, but you kissed me first without getting to know any of them so please, pretty please go the whole show without kissing anyone else".
Rebecca gets the date rose, the girls who kissed him are not happy.

Whitney gets the one on one date and I realize that she sounds like what I would expect Alvin and the chipmunks to sound like if they hit puberty. They go to a winery. A wedding is also going on at the same time, Whitney suggests that they crash the wedding, this prompts a member of the crew to say "Are you guys serious about this?" which reveals to us that crew members sit less than 10 feet away from the daters! And that the show is heavily edited (but you knew that part, if you didn't...wait till you hear about Santa Claus). Chris and Whitney get dressed up and prep to crash the wedding with a perfectly wrapped gift and immaculate outfits (this seems more and more staged).

Chris is not very smooth at trying to bluff his way through conversations apparently Whitney is a lot better than Chris to the point that if she ever cheated on him, she could convince him that the guy in the bed beside her was just there to check her fertility for their attempts to have kids. They each try to catch the bouquet and the garter in for a penny in for a pound I guess. Dancing and you guessed it Kissing - FIVE. She of course gets the rose.

Back from commercials and Kimmel and Chris are showering together.
Chris Soules Jimmy Kimmel
 The 'amazing jar' is close to full. Kimmel announces that instead of a rose ceremony there will be a pool party BLACK BARS FOR JILLIAN again I kid you notThe black bar accompanies Jillian Anderson wherever she goes..
 One of the girls (pretty sure its Ashely I) says that she is disappointed because she was going to go for her Kardashian look and cannot do that anymore...remove her from society instantly, I am not saying euthanize her...I am not, not saying it though.

Juelia (seriously that spelling) is expressing sadness, I have a hard time getting into the story because I was so ready to mock her name, but her story is pretty dramatic so despite her name I start to get emotionally invested till she says crying "never been less scared in my entire life" (emphasis mine). It was a very serious story, but the sparkly head band, the swimsuit, the crying, the name and the 'less scared' slip up just made it so easy to gloss over. bachelor–10

Chris tries to talk about his feelings with one of the girls and she shuts him up by kissing him he is a simple man - kiss count SIX

Jade takes him away to his house for a tour of the house aka get him alone. Jillian sneaks in behind them to get into his hot tub but while she is doing that Jade and Chris jump into his bed and begin making out - SEVEN.

Jillian gets her hot tub time with Chris but Ashley I and her entourage of Megan and Mackenzie comes in with the line of "we are not interrupting, we are just joining" they however jump back out of the tub when Jillian says she has just had a minute with Chris. They go to the side Megan and Ashley I start discussing whether their makeup is cracking Mackenzie misinterprets and thinks they are talking about looking like crack whores.

Jillian goes back in for her kiss, guess that is 7.5 on the kiss count since she is a repeat customer,jill&chris this prompts Mackenzie to immediately get back in the hot tub followed by the rest of the entourage but Jillian will not take the hint and leave, in fact she commandeers the situation. This causes Ashley I to break down crying and run away. An ad for Housewife porn comes on, oh its the 50 Shades of Grey trailer...I kind of feel like I would not fight it too hard if someone I was dating 'dragged me' to it, the aftermath of sitting through that movie has got to be positive.

Chris comes and seeks Ashley I and she does her crying into kissing maneuver, she really is a lusty kisser - kiss count up to a healthy EIGHT. Drats I was hoping he would get up to a kiss count of 50% of close.

Chris stumbles over himself badly in his opening remarks at the rose ceremony. Ashley I in her confessional claims that she is a 9 on the confidence scale and says that she told Chris to call her name early he does not. Jimmy Kimmel comes out in place of Chris Prime to point out that the final rose is on the table. And the BLACK GIRL GETS CUT ON THE MLK DAY EPISODE...that is the true sign of equality! At least she gets to do an exit interview!

I really have to think about the Ratchet scale tonight yes he is willing to kiss every girl that tilts her head (but that makes sense), and we had constant black barring of a girls butt; then there was the creamy, proteiny, salty liquid...yeah I guess its at least a 5 out of 10 on the scale.

New category - Tonight's MVP (I know many peeps would give it to Jimmy Kimmel, but for me he added nothing to the episode) is Kaitlyn for practically distilling the show down to its core 'A guy or girl gets on here to test drive as many members of the opposite sex that they can get away with tapping before being called a whore then settles for chooses one at the end to hopefully stay with forever'.

As I finish typing this up I am watching the first episode of In Living Color that had J Lo on far from that block Jenny has come! 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Bachelor Recap or Prince Farming goes a kissing!

Last week we ended with a girl walking back in to talk to Chris, her scheme to get back on the show works. When Chris announces it to the other girls they give a half-hearted cheer while giving her the “bitch you are dead” stares. One girl even says “this broad” which I am pretty sure is her nice way of saying Bitch. I really think Chris is going to ho it up this season: He keeps talking about this as the greatest opportunity any man could be given… (as I come back to edit this, that statement is so true).
And we get the obligatory half naked shots of Chris. I am over-weight, I accept it, but yeesh to get on the Bachelor I would have to drop 50lbs and I already bloody work out - but to get the chance to date 30 women, it would be worth it. Oh wait I am still black! So yeah I might as well just watch as a fan and have no delusions.
Megan has angry eyes when she finds out that she is not one of the first 6 to hang with Chris while we cut to Chris trying to figure out the perfect position to stop the zipper of his sweatshirt to show off his chest...not sure he knew this moment would air. “I am more Kardashian than country” that is an actual thing a girl utters when speculating about their “country date”, can we just agree as a world to never use the Kardashians as a positive comparison? Please? Please? Pretty please? 
The requisite pool party occurs - gotta get these girls in their bikinis as fast as possible. Jillian ‘News Producer’ decides to sneak over to Chris’ house with Megan. Her bikini bottom is so skimpy that the Bachelor has to blur it from the front, the side and the back. I think they might be overdoing it, I hope they are overdoing it because gurrl if you are wearing something that need a hug. View image on TwitterMegan discovers Chris’ motorcycle helmet so she rams her head into various inanimate objects while wearing the helmet, I suspect she was forced to wear one as a kid and is just reliving those memories. 
The girls are ‘forced’ to walk around downtown LA in their bikinis so that they can race tractors. It is the slowest tractor race ever, which is probably the safest thing the show could do. Long time readers know I am terrible with names and I hate rewinding so I do not know her name, but one of the girls tells the others that the reason why she is a single mom is because her husband killed himself shortly after her daughter was born. 
Chris takes one of the girls from the group date (her name is Mackenzie) on a solo date and the conversation in a word is weird. She talks to Chris about his nose, she talks to him about aliens and she tells Chris that she has not gone on a date in over a year because...she has a kid. Now I know why she seems so childish on this date - she is 21. No way should she be on this show this young (gosh I feel like an old fogey). She shows Chris pictures of her son and says “I knew when you saw him you would love him” moms always think that. Mackenzie gets the date rose.
The date card arrives and it is for Megan, but she thinks it is just a love note to her; the other girls have to explain to her that it means she gets a date. During the commerical break the Gary Busey Amazon ad comes on and I think, Megan would get along well with him. We come back from commercials and Mackenzie is telling the girls about how many times she kissed Chris...they loved it.  
Megan and Chris head to an airport and this season’s helicopter budget’ kicks in; Megan says that she does not know where they are going and that “it is a mystery” to her, I suspect things like basic arithmetic and reading comprehension are also mysteries to her. They land the helicopter in the Grand Canyon and I realize that the space between Megan’s ears will not be the emptiest thing in this episode. Megan says some really sad stuff about her dad but in truth I start to zone out, this is ‘too much sad’ this early in the season, plus I have things to do while this show is on...time is going. Megan gets the rose and they kiss – number 2. 
Another date card, Amber the black girl says “my heart really pumps harder when I see one of those WHITE envelopes” okay okay she didn’t emphasize the white, I just couldn’t resist. The group date card has a reference to death, this has the girls freaking out. Their limo is surrounded by zombies and this petrifies most of the girls who apparently have forgotten they are on an ABC show, the same ABC that is owned by DISNEY but hey, they are not on this show for their brains. Plus, like I said last week, I do not believe the ‘professions’ listed for most of these girls. The night’s activity is to hunt zombies with paintball guns. The FBI might want to start monitoring Ashley’s activities, she was a little too eager to shoot her teammates with the paintball gun despite their repeated statements that they were only hunting zombies, not each other.

Amber the black girl (yes I have to give her full title) nearly shoots the camera man [I know a sizeable portion of the audience would have expected her to be better with a gun]. There is so much screaming, sooooooo much screaming. Ashley just model walks through the crowd of Zombies and puts ‘safety’ shots into already dead zombies, I am not saying she is psychotic, that requires a diagnosis, I am just saying...monitor her. 
The girls at home need to entertain themselves so Jordan decides to show them that she can was not a good twerk. She also makes fun of Jillian’s ass, claiming it is hairy, so of course now I wonder if that was the reason for the censor bar. 
Back on the date Ashely is acting strangely, Juelia makes fun of her and all I can think is “YOUR NAME IS SPELLED JUELIA, how can you make fun of anyone?” Chris makes out with Kaitlyn, that is 3 girls so far this episode. Ashley starts to talk as if the voices in her head are all now arguing with each other. During her one on one time with Chris, she is staring off into space and suggests hide and seek but then cannot decide who should hide and who should seek...Ashley there are only 2 of you it should not be that difficult. Ashley absolutely talks in non-sequiturs. While Chris is doing his private stand ups talking about Ashley she interrupts it to talk to him and while he tries to talk to her she spaces out. She tells him “you don’t want to lose the whole world...but actually you don’t want to gain the whole world.” At one point Ashley gets on all 4s to talk to a cat, I wish I was using hyperbole. 
Britt gets a note from Chris that says “free kiss from Chris” she of course kisses him, now 4 so far (Do not forget that Chris was the secret admirer note writer on Andi’s season). The bonus for all the ladies on this date is that no matter what they say, none of them will say anything as remotely crazy as Ashley. Kaitlyn gets the group date rose; Britt’s face says “we just kissed”. 
Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party
Chris at least unlike some prior Bachelors and Bachelorettes does not try to pretend that he does not drink. 
A girl reveals that she is a virgin; another girl tells her that Chris will love that about her (this is how you end up having a kid at 21 and leaving him to go on TV). She does not tell Chris that she is a virgin but she does offer him 3 wishes and the first wish that Chris uses is to kiss her that’s 5 so far. Their make out sesh is the type that usually leads to phrases of “just the tip, come on just the tip, that will not count”. Amber the black girl tells Chris that she wants to kiss him so of course he obliges that’s 6. She then tells Jordan (who claims 24 but if she is 24 that is a HARD 24, that is the type of 24 that should cause me to swear off booze forever – it won’t) who immediately yells that she wants to kiss Chris. Jordan then interrupts another girls date and blatantly tries to give Chris kissing hints he blatantly returns the “oh hell no” hints, she then makes it awkward and thus gets no kiss. When she rewatches this, she is going to realize that she is the only girl who tried to get a kiss and failed...that will crush her, if the bottle she is holding at the time allows her to comprehend what she is watching. 
We have that moment that we seem to have in every season now, where a girl hears the wrong name and tries to come forward, Jillian is that girl and in her attempt to stop from going towards Chris when the mistake is realized tries to stop her forward momentum but looks like a baby deer on ice (someone must have a gif of that)
Ashley S gets the final rose and many of the girls look stunned and pissed, this feels like a producers’ pick, the ole “hey this girl is drama, keep her another week” suggestion to Chris. 
The girl that got the second chance gets booted again on the 2nd go around. Tonight’s blooper has Jordan passed out on the couch sleeping while all the girls around her are screaming about the date card...she might have a bit of a drinking problem. 
Ratchety behavior in this episode a mere 6 on the 10 scale…points for kissing after seeing him tongue bathe the inside of another girl’s mouth; black barred bikini; helmet into wall; and, all of the crazy associated with Ashley S.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

The Bachelor returns with 'Prince Farming'

We do the ABC gimmick of watching it live with their studio audience, this must test well since they keep doing it but I just find it bloody annoying AND the fact that they seem to be using this much filler in the premier makes me nervous for the rest of the season.
They are calling Chris Soules ‘Prince Farming’ it is equal parts puke and funny. His trainer to get in shape is Cody the meathead from Andi’s season…I miss that lunk-head.
One of the girls says that for half her life she has wanted to be on this show: at first I scoffed; then thought; then looked it up; she is 24, and the show premiered in 2002 she could be EXACTLY RIGHT…sigh.
In the studio Chris Prime (testing that name for the host) talks to a few “farmer’s wives from Iowa” dare I say, they are the very definition of the stereotype of Farmer’s wives from the Midwest. One of them notes that Chris was a few years ahead of her in high school “gurrrrl” unless you meant that he was a few years behind you…never say that out loud again!
I started watching this via the ABC app at the gym (I love this Tek-nol-lah-geeee) so I was definitely distracted, when I looked up to see Chris giving a speech I thought maybe it glitched, but it is just an ABC trick to make it seem like only 15 are there for Chris. A weird attempt since the promos all told us there were 30 girls and even the hosts opening said “Tonight a Bachelor first” or something similar, I confess, I tend to zone when Chris Prime is talking.
The girls have been split into 2 segments in terms of arrivals, 1st girls better MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINETH ladies.
The girl who works as the Jason Statham of Organ donation (come on, how often do you get a chance to reference the “Transporter) brings with her a fake bleeding heart in a cooler, sigh.
One girl has the limo driver deliver a note to Chris saying that he has a secret admirer - dork (I know she is going home) she does not let Chris see her. Heavy Sigh!
I am torn on showing up wearing short shorts and Cowboy boots with the claim “I just want you to see who I am”
Is who you are someone that can never dress up? Even for just one night?
If it works cool…but if it does not, do you regret it forever because you had to be “that girl”
More on her below – shockingly she got drunk “My best friends are Jameson, Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker”.
Oh and her profession is listed as “sport fishing enthusiast” does this mean she watches ESPN3 late at night?
The only Black woman (that is significant to note) brings her Teddy Bear “as a comfort” HOW OLD ARE YOU? And why do I feel like you are representing my race…badly? Heavy Sigh!
Cowboy boots has changed into a black dress and come back out…so much for just being who you are. “You can plow the f—k out of my field any day” that was an opening line, I cannot remember if it was in batch 2 or not but it was memorable. CP then slaps Farmer Chris because Chris thinks it’s a dream…I want CP’s job. A girl who is a fertility nurse says “I make babies every day” then makes a comparison to inseminating pigs, I am sure the parents of kids you have helped (I doubt she does anything) love that comparison. Chris feigns shock when told by CP (still adjusting to name, by the way does the Bachelor franchise have a higher percentage of Chris’ than the general population?) that more girls are coming, but I sense relief! The First 15 had their shot, yet delayed to take advantage of their onexone times - now they are panicking…The new batch of girls all seem to have gimmicks
The flight attendant attempts to put a seatbelt on Chris, I think she did not loosen it enough
A girl rides in on a motorcycle while wearing the full gown…very impressive if foolish
A WWE diva in training shows up in a ‘dress’ that I am pretty sure is lingerie
One brought whiskey (shockingly not Tara)
One wore a pig nose “I wanted to ham it up for you”
The first set of girls were judging them harshly as they exited the limos
Another girl exits carrying a pink Karaoke machine and sings into it
Maybe they are not wrong to judge…
Chris wishes he was a polygamist, I completely understand that in a sitch like this homie.
One of the girls takes the Shrek onion analogy to heart and compares everything to onions! While doing her ‘confessional’ she spies a pomegranate and from a distance is convinced it is an onion and insists that the camera crew and producers “look at the fricking onion”…it turns out to be a pom “I feel powerful”. She also tried to give another girl a rose to get her away from Chris.
Some of these guys have been drinking a lot, Tara especially has been pounding whiskey, this is going to come back to haunt her.
The girl who gets the first impression rose gets a makeout sesh, seems early but I like it…I have no idea why she got the rose though.
Rose ceremony time
The usual dramatic music and the stares BUT WAIT, there is still 22 minutes of programming left so all the teasing re ‘craziness’ might actually be true.

Tara she of the whiskey pounding is having an uncomfortable time on the platform. Tapping her feet, rubbing her hands vigorously, getting cold and wobbly on her feet – the show cuts to her then cuts to Chris looking stone faced then suddenly walking off, hard to tell if that was all in real time. I guess it was, since Chris is seen with Chris Prime (the host) and he tells him that he was planning to give Tara a rose but that her drunken state is making him reconsider. Memo to everyone going into a situation of nerves and meeting peeps where impressions are key DO NOT GET BLOTTO DRUNK, Tara got the rose but it was touch and go.
Many of the girls are NOT happy that the drunken girls are getting roses. And many voice that through tears as they go home. It looks like it is daylight when they are doing the goodbye ‘stand ups’ it really does look like the ‘walk of shame’.
The secret admirer is sent home.
A girl who does not get a rose, walks back in and steals Chris away from talking to the other girls. We do not get to find out if her strategy works until next week…The upcoming season looks……………………………….ratchet

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.