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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The Bachelorette men tell all...but do we want to listen? OR "Are you gay bro?"

Tonight is the Men tell all show, the episode where we sometimes get the joy of verbal cat fights - we get an extended preview of the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise so much crying, I cannot wait.

First guy to take some heat is Ian, he of the insults and hey did you know he went to Princeton? Ben H is willing to defend Kaitlyn (K) despite being sent home. Ian takes his jacket off and makes a production of kneeling in front of the guys and apologizing. Ian gets some handshakes from a few was a corny move but this show loves corny.

Clint declares that he is a straight man,
he and JJ have appeared to grow matching beards. Kupah tells us he does not care about the Clint and JJ bromance, he is just pissed about Nick being on the show.

JJ is the first in the 'hot seat' - he claims much of the problem with him was due to misunderstandings with his brand of humour.

Ben Z is on the hot seat - he is as boring here as he was on the show.

Jared you and your bad scruff, come on down - Wah wah, in love, wah wah wah, great girl till CH thanks him for shaving the "spotty beard" and the audience roars.

Ben H to the seat - is he the new bachelor? Will the trend of bland white guys continue? He is careful and parses everything.

K comes out and tells us that people have been been spreading hate to her and her family - even sending death threats.

If you take any show seriously enough to send death threats to someone, you need help, and please in anything in life, do not send death threats. CH reads some of the threats/tweets K has received from 'fans' they are as disgusting as you would expect them to be. I just do not understand the type of mentality that requires spreading that much bile. I can say something sucks, anyone can say something sucks, you could even say K is the worst Bachelorette ever (I do not agree) but to then add whore, slut, etc or wish death or disease on need Jesus.

K talks about bringing on Nick there is a lot of excuses for her 'behavior', but really my problem is less with her and more with the show...they clearly set it up to create the drama, K just has to take the brunt of the blame as the public face. The show really put her in an unwinnable position. So much of the grief she faces could easily just be blamed on the formatting of the season.

Ryan the super drunk guy from night one breaks out a rose and gives it to K as his apology. K makes a few gay jokes at Clint and JJ's expense. Ian gets to apologize to K and tells her "I am humble" hmm I guess Princeton did not teach the meaning of words.

The blooper reel is as entertaining as usual.

Overall a fairly boring show, and I am disappointed that we did not get to hear from the healer. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Bachelorette recap or lets all coitus because we cannot really communicate version 22.89

We return to Shawn in Nick's room finally 'confronting' him. It is a back and forth of stunningly boring fashion.

Time for Ben's One on One:
Kaitlyn (K) tries to sell us on Ben's qualities but she is not a good enough actress. They go horseback riding and both pretend talk to the natural. They come upon a field with donkeys and these donkeys seem to be ultra pleasant, my grand dad had donkeys and I feared those damn obstinate animals as a kid so I was shocked to see how chill these 2 were then they started chasing Ben and K and...YUP THERE THEY ARE the donkeys we all know and love. Oh there is a tonne of kissing (Kiss count one, but as said earlier by the time you get to this point, everyone gets a kiss).

The evening portion - We find out that Ben had his 26th birthday on the show and then they talk about age alot - K being the 'hot older woman.' Ben gets offered a chance to stay with K in the fantasy suite he gives a weirdly aggressive monologue about wanting to spend more time alone with her. So they of course spend the night together but I miss much of it because the news promo below K is "Coming up...Local man bitten by rattlesnake says he tried to take pic w/ it" - wrong of me to wish he wasn't able to talk? K says she has fallen in love with Ben...but hey not like there are 2 other guys around

Time for Shawn's One on One:
They are going golfing, and K gets Shawn a bright pink polo with bright blue pants outfit she does it apparently to tease him, I wonder if she has not hit any suburban party recently...all the 18-40 year olds are wearing outfits like that 'ironically'. They are both predictably bad at golf. Shawn 'loses' to K so she makes him play Truth or Dare'. He picks dare and K dares him to go streaking so we now have a naked American running across historical greens.

Evening portion - K asks Shawn about the animosity between Nick and Shawn. Shawn takes the tact of aggressively calling Nick out, at this stage why not? K says she wants to continue their discussion off camera so she offers the fantasy suite card. Cut to the morning with Shawn saying see you soon and walking out with nary a backward glance. Nick is waiting for him in the parking lot...strange I supposed to believe he just knew when Shawn would be leaving? Was he standing there for hours? Is he psychic? Do they all always take the walk of shame at the same time?

Nick says that when Shawn came over to his place the other day he didn't have a chance to say his side of the story, guess he needed a day to formulate his answers. Shawn accuses Nick of being 2 faced and Nick repeatedly asks him if he is threatening him - I think he was really hoping for a way of getting Shawn booted off the show.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up and points out to K that Shawn might be a jealous fellow.
On to the Rose Ceremony:
K gives her monologue then breaks down crying and has to leave. OMCH goes to check on her, his version of offering solace is to whisper obvious things to K including "Tell them what is going on" SEE THIS IS WHY YOU ARE OMCH! Nick gets the first rose and whoa I just noticed K's dress that is some cleve being shown tonight. Oh yeah, Shawn gets the second rose, but come on you knew that. While I think Nick is a dick, I have to acknowledge that he is clearly one of the best ever at playing this 'game'. K walks Ben out, offers him little comfort and we are left with Shawn and Nick standing alone draining their champagnes in a large room not talking nor looking at each other.

Nick meets up with K to give her the 'Aw shucks' I am falling in love with you speech. K getting dumber by the episode says that it was so reassuring to her and let her know that they are on the right path, they of course Kiss.

Cut to Nick's family all sitting around in a large circle looking apprehensive (This show loves large circles and big couches) Nick's mom is crying and this causes the little girl in the room to cry (Nick's sister Bella).

Hmm the Bachelor/ette is casting in HI soon, so I immediately pick up my phone and tell my old law school roomie to please please go, I will pay his costs...he wont get on though...he is Asian.

Nick and K tell his family that it is down to 2 guys the family acts a bit surprised.
Nick's sisters take K aside to ask her questions. Bella asks "how is you love my brother?" Man they would have teased this girl mercilessly at my prep school and high school (I think now we would call it bullying) thankfully we are past those years.

These families have to be so coached or have planned in advance to not really "discuss this on camera" the conversations are so stilted and not at all in accord with what a parent would demand of their kid to explain to them whey they want to marry this person that they just met.

Time for Shawn's family: Shawn tells K she is meeting his sisters and to be prepared but K says "Sisters are my Jam...I have 6 step sisters and one real sister" (those step sisters are going to love that). Shawn's mom wasn't able to make it and now I really really want to know why. Usual family questions to K and then Shawn's dad takes him aside to point out "What the hell is going on? This is nuts" yes sir it is. As above with Nick's family none of the answers would truly have placated a concerned family. Anyway the answers seem to satisfy all involved. Shawn tells K he is in love with her - Kisses (100 % episode)

Boring finish, let's hope the tell all has fireworks.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Bachelorette review or let's all jump into bed.

So yesterday I watched the US beat Japan to a pulp in the Women's World Cup final, and while watching I was dreading what I would see on twitter and other internet portals; I expected to see things along the lines of "The US has not dropped this many bombs on Japan since 1945" or "the US hasn't damaged a treasured Japanese icon like this since Godzilla" but really I realized that was just me anticipating horrors that might not necessarily occur and giving in to my darker side...this is what I hope is about to happen with the Bachelorette, the previews have made it seem like this will be the episode that Kaitlyn (K) confesses to sleeping with Nick, and I am already dreading A the reaction of the guys on the show and B. the internet's reaction complete with slut shaming...but here is hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised.

We start with K walking around and the guys all sitting in a circle and Jared's stubble still having a hard time staying together...his beard is so patchy I wonder if beard mange is a thing.

Ben gets the one on one date:
They go rowing on a lake, to Innisfallen Island and play hide and seek which leads to a kiss (ONE - come on kiss count lets get a 100%).

To the evening portion and Ben decides he has to tell K his biggest fear "that I am unlovable" try to remember that this guy is only 26.

K brings up the possibility of the Fantasy Suite and Ben tells her he cannot wait to just talk all night in there, which makes K realize that he might still have his V-Card - she bluntly asks him. He stammers so we cut back to all the guys with a group date card arriving. Back to Ben trying to assure K that he is not a virgin.

Group Date:
Shawn steals her away first, and K immediately brings up to him that their conversation at the last cocktail party was the last time they had hung out and not kissed so of course they immediately make up for lost time (TWO).

 K says she is tempted to tell him now about the Nick Dick!

Nick interrupts them and they dance around the coitus issue and kiss (THREE).

K asks Joe if he is ready to be engaged he says yes, he tells her he is in love with her they kiss (FOUR - the dream is alive and strong). I think this is a kiss of death, cut to commercial and we come back to K (being "brutally honest") telling Joe that even though he tells her he is in love with her, she cannot reciprocate those feelings. Joe puts his shields up and tries to be cold towards her. I love that K is willing to kiss the guys then cut them, she really helps my kiss count. The goodbye becomes really cold as Joe asks K "what should I do now?" and she responds with "do whatever you want to". K appears shocked that Joe would be cold towards her after she breaks up with him!

I loved K coming into this, and still like her as a Bachelorette but sometimes I wonder if the burden of the show has addled her brain.

K returns to Shawn and Nick and tells them that she does not feel like she should give out the group date rose now, so she tells Nick that she will see him at the rose ceremony and tells Shawn that she wants to spend some more time with him tonight. Shawn smirks and rubs a little salt into Nick "well I wasn't expecting that."

K again tells us that she feels nervous and sick about the upcoming conversation she has to have with Shawn, this feels producer driven - why would she feel the urge to tell anyone what happened with her and Nick? That is absolutely not how someone who dates around does it, if you are dating a girl who is dating a dozen other guys you might assume sex happens but would you actually ask her when you are not exclusive?

K and Shawn are holding hands and drinking and K tells him that she just wants to be honest with him...she couches the confession with "I just think it went too is hard for me to admit it, but we had sex."

Shawn greets the news with stunned silence and looking away from K, his first words "Do you regret it?" What the hell man? Do you think she secretly killed a man, committed fraud? Then he finally asks a question that I agree with "I am trying to figure out, why you are telling me this right now?" K - "I just thought it was the right thing to do." Shawn takes a moment to go to the bathroom "to regroup."

Back to the hotel, with Nick telling Jared and Ben H that he is incredibly nervous, they look at him with the "brah we are your enemies" look.

Shawn comes back and is actually handling this so much better than I expected, "at the end of the day I am here for you and you are the only thing that I want out of this" he says he will "man up and move past it." I have to wonder if a producer quietly got to him and told him, "Don't be an idiot YOU ARE ON A DATING SHOW."

Cocktail Party:
Nick keeps complaining that he has had less time than all the other guys with K, remember this is the guy who had sex with her! The guys were hoping for time with K but Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to tell them that K is not going to need time with them because her mind has already been made up, so straight to the rose ceremony. If Jared gets cut, the kiss count loses...hold on son, hold on!

K tries to give the first rose to Shawn, but he instead of accepting it tells her he needs to talk to her - feels very staged and convenient. K tells Shawn that it was a mistake for her to tell him early on that he was the one and that the plan for dating around and forming relationships here is because hopefully after this ends she would never form another relationship with anyone else, K asks Shawn if he will trust her at the end of the process, his answer is not very positive - But Shawn and K come back in to the ceremony and he accepts the rose.

Ben gets the 2nd rose and OMCH shows up to let us know that there is only one rose goes to Nick so Jared and his bad stubble have to go and so dies this week's kiss count. But the whiny drama count is definitely going to go back up with both Shawn and Nick remaining. Jared spends his time leaving K by assuring her that it will be okay and that he hopes she finds the right man for her, very classy of him, but I hate when the Bach/ette makes the person that they are kicking out have to do all the emotional work of keeping both peeps reassured - you are the one with the power, do not force them to 'be strong'.

Nick one on one:
They go exploring and of course they have to enter a church...
In the evening portion they meet at a former jail - and Nick tells us about the first time he touched 'privates'

Nick starts to snitch on Shawn but tries to pretend that he wasn't going to throw him under the bus. K and Nick has what for them counts as a tiff - but she of course offers him the Fantasy suite date and he of course accepts it. K pretends that they are going to stay in one of the cells as the fantasy suite...Nick because all he wants to do is bang her happily accepts it then finds out that it was a joke. He comes close to saying "in here, outside I just want to --- (insert his real thoughts) ---- hang out with you."

So to put it bluntly, they bang one out and sit around the next morning like an old married couple with K in a robe and Nick with his shirt off.

Cut to Shawn pacing in his room and then asking the front desk for Nick's room number. He goes to Nick's room to confront him and finally lays into Nick saying that he does not think Nick is there for the right reasons. He calls Nick arrogant, cocky and an asshole (or the perfect candidate for this show). The show fades out with the usual 'To be continued'

Oh look its Brady and Britt trying to do a long distance relationship,
Britt even when alone with just Brady sounds like she is giving an interview.

Monday, July 06, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, let us lead you to the edge of this cliff, but please do not jump

Tonight I am watching and my guest Michelle is watching it with me though I feel like she is more watching to mock me...I should not really watch a show that makes me embarrassed to have other people see it.

We return to Shawn 'freaking' Kaitlyn out by staring at her longingly but not telling her anything with human words. They kiss which immediately kicks our kiss count into gear (ONE).

The morning portion shows Shawn sitting on steps looking contemplatively into the distance and Tanner and Nick gossiping about him in the distance...they laugh about his crying over K.

The 2 on one date is JJ and Joe and Michelle questioning me about watching this show!

Joe tells K that he is falling for her and that he does not usually fall this quickly - they kiss (TWO).

JJ tells K that he lost much in his life, his wife, his kid "everything" because he cheated on his wife - they kiss (THREE).

K tells JJ that she does not see a future with him and she wants him to go home to his beautiful daughter. But wait, there is a twist, Joe does not actually get the rose, K tells him that she needs more time to get to know him, so they continue the date, sailing off into the distance. Cut back to Shawn  (aka Ryan Schnozling) moping around lamenting that K is going on dates with other guys on the dating show he signed up for. K smooches Joe a bit more and he scores the rose.

Joe returns to the room and the guys ask him about the date, he tell them that he might be falling in love with K and this causes the Schnoz to get up and walk out of the room. He feels compelled to head to K's room to talk to her - K is in a confessional telling us that she is feeling exhausted in every way possible. A producer whispers to her that Shawn is on his way up to her room and K looks exasperated and rolls her eyes but it turns out she is more worried than annoyed.

She remains afraid that Shawn knows about her and Nick's coitus and is coming to confront her about it he takes for ever to tell her that when K told him off camera that "you are the one" he took it to mean the competition was over. K comes to realize that his brand of crazy might be too much for her. She hints that she is getting tired of having to reassure the Schnoz repeatedly.

Lo and behold we have a Rose Ceremony:
At the cocktail party K mentions that she is very nervous and that she has been making mistakes, this leaves the guys without roses so far jittery. Many of the guys are trying to figure out if they did anything to set K off kilter, the Schnoz is confident that it was because of his talk. Ben Z steals K away off first and gets a kiss (FOUR), I am starting to think we might get the perfect score of a 100% kiss rate tonight.
Ben H is next, come on son, screw the crap conversation and go for the kiss...HE DOES IMMEDIATELY (FIVE)...the dream is still alive. Ben H should have stuck to the kissing because he immediately starts snitching on himself and the Schnoz. Ben tells K that he knows she gave the Schnoz some type of reassurance. This leads to K crying and saying that she is sorry she ever did it.

Cut back to the guys all looking nervous and Nick the Dick still talking out loud about having a rose and feeling safe yet feigning nervousness. He points out to the others that he has spent the most time with her that week. In his alone time with her he tells K that he is really nervous and we already know K is too, come on this is not the type of convo someone with a kiss count wants to hear. K tells Nick that she had a great time with him but she is concerned that he would talk about the coitus to the other guys.

Nick tells K that he has not told any one about the intimate details of their date...but he sure does hint it! As K starts to get serious with him, he leans in and begs her for a kiss (SIX). His strategy seems to work since K claims that he was "so sincere" tonight.

The Schnoz sits down with K and gets maudlin, K tells him that she needs to take a step back from reassuring him constantly, I take the time to draw a map for Michelle to find her way to department stores.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to 'counsel' K about her rose ceremony...he gives her no advice.
3 roses are on the table and Shawn's heart is on the floor. The kiss streak is in jeopardy, we did not see any alone time with Chris (the cupcake-car dentist) or Tanner. Chris however gets a rose so the potential remains in him for the rose. The streak is dead, maybe next week we will get the 100% kiss rate - Shawn gets the final rose, so Tanner has to go, along with Ben Z.

The gang is all off to Killarney most on a big bus, Jared gets to ride in a mini with K as part of their date. Turns out that K might not be the best driver in the world...In the bus the Schnoz is snoring up a storm, while K and Jared go off to see the Blarney Stone and to kiss it for luck (SIX.5 - hey the stone got more than Tanner). Jared gets to go back to K's room with her and make out in her bed (SEVEN).

Chris' cheeses it up by telling us that Killarney looks like his soul.

OMCH shows up at K's room to fulfill his contractual obligation to pretend that he cares about K's decision making processes. He throws a curve ball, this time unlike other seasons (because why keep the show consistent) K will cut the group down to 3 rather than 4 men - they will then go on the fantasy suite dates and then only 2 will have home town dates. OMCH sells it as a fairness issue, "that way everyone will have off-camera time" with K, I just think the budget has been slashed and the show does not want to spend the money to go to multiple home towns. Or they really just want her to sleep with as many guys as possible...

Chris gets the one on one date:
The promo of Bachelor in Paradise has Claire 'talking' to a raccoon, I cannot wait for how ratchet that show is going to be!
The helicopter budget takes off (yup I did it) and they go for a helicopter tour. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. They spread a picnic at the edge of a cliff and Chris gets a kiss (EIGHT, bloody Tanner, you would have made it 100%) there is not enough time left in this show for anything but the dreaded 'to be continued'.

K begins to cry and telling Chris that even though he has positive check marks in many respects she does not want to lead him on. She says "it feels like there is something wrong with me, because you are everything I want in somebody...but I just don't feel like I fully see it, and I don't know why." She tells him she has to let him go, K's kisses are quickly becoming kisses of death. She walks off to go and cry and I immediately think, she is going to fly off without him and she does! This show is so quickly turning her into a villain.

Chris says that he does not think K is ready to find someone yet (okay so maybe Ian had some legit points when he insulted her, but he was still a dick in the way he did it.) We see Chris near the edge of a cliff bawling his eyes out, while a producer watches him warily and even takes a step towards him when it seems like he might take a walk over the edge...a small female producer, if she had tried to stop him they would both have gone over the edge.

The blooper reel has K teaching Jared how to drive stick, he is not terrible for his first time...

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.