Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, March 31, 2008

Stars are just like us...they can say things just as dumb

So VH1 did a show called 40 dumbest Celeb Quotes, I saw a preview and knew i had to watch it, in fact I knew I would watch it and blog it, so I am now watching it on DVR and blogging at the same time. In fact I will just immediately type out phrases I like and then I might just might add to them, then again, the quotes by themselves seem so damn good I might not have to add anything

*I think I got all the quotes right...I hope*

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman

Flavor flav: Hottie is real 'dramatical' and tried to 'hypmotize' me

Jessica Simpson; Is it kind of weird that I am getting a bit 'emotionable'

Britney Spears "I get to go overseas places like...Canada"

Anna Nicole in respons to this question from FHM: What’s the kinkiest sex you’ve had?
Well…a ghost would crawl up my leg and have sex with me at an apartment a long time ago in Texas. I used to think it was my boyfriend, and one day I woke up and it wasn’t. It was, like, a spirit and it—woo! [miming a ghost flying from under her sheets]—went up! I was freaked out about it, but then I was like, “Well, you know what? He’s never hurt me and he just gave me some amazing sex so I have no problem.

Paris Hilton: What's Wal-mart? Do they sell like wall stuff?

Al Gore: A zebra does not change its spots

Brooke Shield: Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life

Dennis Rodman: Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something

Bill Clinton: You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy!" (right around the time he was being pressured re cheating on his wife)

Whitney Houston (re drug use): First of all, let's get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much for me to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight, okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is wack.


Gary Busey: There is nothing like changes because nothing changes but the changes

Jason Kidd (coming out of Cal AKA UC BERKELEY!) (when talking about improving a team: We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees

Paris Hilton: If I could read a book, I would definitely read one of yours

Paris Hilton (when she found her book made the best seller list): What is the Wall Street Journal? Is that good?

Britney Spears: "I've never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don't really like eating fish, and I know that's very popular out there in Africa"

Thursday, March 27, 2008

A pregnant man? That can NEVER be right!

Oh Pacific northwest you strike again! Now you provide to the rest of the rational world, a pregnant man! Is there no end to what you will push on us. I remember a few years ago blogging about your sex with animals laws, and now THIS!

Can this person really be called a man? What on earth is going to be the delivery method? Can someone who has lived this long as a man, carry a baby to term? Can they breast feed? I mean seriously WTH?

I try not to push my morals in this blog...but this is JUST WRONG!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A high school moment, and a mini rant re a fake commercial.

So everytime I see the ad for Dyson vacuums I have to chuckle and shake my head in disbelief. In the ad, the inventor wants us to believe that they are HAPPY when they have failures in the lab. Now this might cut it in highschool science labs but their is no way someone based in a commercial enterprise is happy about failures that do not yield to economic gain.

In highschool chemistry my friend and I used to sneak into the lab and mix chemicals that we had worked out formulas for in private. We were usually pretty good at actually getting the chemical formulas right. Which is strange cause it never translated into better grades. Part of the problem I guess is that we just wanted to freelance. Anyway, we once had a spectacular failure. We snuck in, and someone had messed up and left the door to the volatile chemicals (like concentrated HNO3, pure sodium and potassium (spectacular boom when dropped in water)) open and of course we had to tamper. Thing is, we did not have much time to work out the formulas like we normally did so we just went on faith and limited knowledge. Well we caused a mini explosion and had to force open a window and drop the whole mess on to the football field outside (which really was only used as the BBQ field) BUT THAT was a failure that one could be happy about...but then that was just Campion's equipment and a few chemicals, not an actual attempt to market a damn product.

So Dyson, I say Fie on ye and your fake lines.

(I really should expand on my old crazy High school lab days, no one knew the foolishness that I got into with the chemicals. Basically the rules of "2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead" Some day I will blog them out)

Anyway here is a vid to show you why high school kids should NEVER be allowed near Potassium and the like unsupervised

Stealing from a church is disgusting and other links

I firmly believe that all theft is wrong, but stealing from a church has got to put you in the gutter level. Well how apropos that this moron was stealing a Church's gutter while Easter Service was going on!

No seriously, no one saw Pam Anderson getting divorced...no one!

Bad decade to have the last name Peterson


I still remain in shock that women actively fight to date Flavor Flav, I cannot even bother to recap this week's episode properly. Short form: girl acts whorish, Flav chuckles, flashes gold teeth, ridiculous competition devised, 2 hottest chicks (relative term) win, go on dates, Make out-makeout-make out (gag). Elimination, ugly girl with bad breath booted, new girls brought into the house, realization that TOO MANY CRAZY WOMEN apparently exist in this world.

Sorry this is not a slight against women, cause men do it too, I saw I love NY and Tila Tequila, I am just not trying to date men.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Hard to believe I could feel sympathy for an Aggie!


But man they got robbed by the refs, this last picture is just proof. All game it seems the refs were caught up in the partisan atmosphere. I would love to have seen how much a UCLA loss would have killed the brackets in my pool.

Credit for the photos belongs to http://texags.com/main/forum.reply.asp?topic_id=1118800&forum_id=7

The rules for blocks are hand = ball, but damn this Kat got mugged driving to the lane, blows to the elbow and forearm do not a block make!



Wow:

Thursday, March 20, 2008

March Madness begins v1.3

Can Texas go all the way? I have so many brackets out there that I have actually forgotten some of the websites I am registered with.

I am showing love to the Big 12 and Pac 10 in most of my brackets and discounting the Big East getting 8 teams in. Going chalk in most of the regions except of course for the South where I am going TEXAS Longhorns all the way.

Legal notice, remember all these games are for fun...gambling on college games is prohibited.

Even if apparently 58% of employed persons in America engage in pools

Friday, March 14, 2008

"I took an AIDS test...so should you! " and some links

Now of course calling exes and stating such a line is not the best way to start your conversations. But, I firmly believe that all responsible people in my age bracket should take regular AIDS tests.

You all know that the SCV is at low risk for catching the High Five aka the Die Slow, but I still feel the need/urge to get tested regularly. Since I give blood fairly regularly I am not usually concerned about taking independent AIDS tests but, since I was barred for a WHOLE YEAR (thanks to the Malaria scare in Jamaica), this is the longest I have ever gone without a blood test (well at least not one forced by a family court...sorry mom for that joke, I apologize, I could not resist.)

Anyway to shorten the story, cause I could really go on and on...If you are afraid of taking the tests that force you to wait 2 weeks for results (like planned parenthood, I swear a friend told me about that one), San Diego offers a free one at its Family clinics and you get results in 20 minutes. Let me repeat...IT IS FREE AND TAKES ONLY TWENTY MINUTES.

Please friends, go get checked...and to my exes etc, I am clear...not that you had to worry about the SCV.

Ok some light hearted fare after that;

A woman had to be surgically removed from a toilet seat, I swear you cannot make these things up.

Dawn Wells, aka Mary Ann, got caught with Mary Jane, that is right, the innocent one from Gilligan's Island who is 69 got busted with ganja! I cannot help but laugh.

And of course I have to link re Eliot Spitzer
, I will blog more on the hypocrite at a later date but suffice it to say for now...WHAT A MAROON! I chose a Texas paper to link to on purpose.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Happy Birthday...

To my brother Courtney! And to my cousin Simone!
That is it, no other blogging for today...they deserve it to themselves!

Monday, March 10, 2008

'That's Amore' recap via IM's with Erin

"I learned in America that Blondes and Brunettes, do not like each other" --Domenico


So I was Imming back and forth with my friend while watching this drivel so I will just use my comments to her as the blog...enjoy a little glimpse into my convos.

What scares me is that so many of these girls are college age and the majority are listed as students...so does that mean they go to college...?

"I am a natural blonde, and the carpet matches the curtains (if I had any)" -- I am sure your parents are proud of your honesty.

So they are now doing a pizza challenge, they have to wear a hat and make a pizza on top of their heads while balancing the pie and then riding a bicycle to some delivery point...I am not sure I am ever going to order pizza again.

I KNEW this would happen, one of the girls while using the cheese grater, basically shredded her hand...you mean no one in production realized that handing a bunch of chicks dumb enough to show up on a show like this, a utensil that can hurt them will GUARANTEE someone getting hurt. That is like going hunting with Cheney and being shocked if you take a few hits! "Oh Mr Vice President you shot me. How could this happen?"

Easily impressed girl: "Everything was leopard and black and it was really romantic" Really? That is really romantic...this girl must be a hit around pimps and 70s flashback junkies

"She showed me the bum, and what is weird is that I remember the bum more than the face"-- Wow, just wow, I would love to be in the room with this girl when she watches this again.

I am watching these girls prep hair using a can of hair spray and it feels like their fingers have not come off it for about 2 minutes...there is no way that the ozone can survive girls like this.

Of course lies are now being told, some girls attacked another girl with water balloons, then went around and told others that the attacked girl was the one trashing the place

(e-lite(PM): call me crazy, but i want my hair to feel soft to the touch should a guy decide to touch it
Calij (PM): hahah yeah, I have touched some girls hair in the bar and worried that I cut myself)- - - This was not exactly about the show but I thought it was pertinent.

Uh, so now they have been painted as statues and have to stand on pedestals and pose as human statues while balancing on one leg. The clock shows these girls lasting to the 40 minute mark (and one girl just passed out after getting off the pedestal). Is it objectifying women, if they voluntarily place themselves in stupid positions?

So now an ambulance has arrived, to take away the girl that passed out, so that is 24 hours and 2 ambulances, this is an awesome streak

Wow the girls lasted 50 minutes 17 seconds on one leg...that is amazing, I am not sure I can stand on 2 legs for 50 minutes in one spot.

"What's good about Christina is that she will probably wipe your butt, when you are old and cant move and you are crippled"-- Ashley 'The poet'

I talk ALOT (hell, I need a blog just to let some of it out) but damn, if you are on a reality show, on a date with the 'star' shouldn't you at some point think to yourself, "wow, he has not said a word to me, maybe I am talking too much and should let him get a chance to speak...?"

And let me end it with the words of the crazy blonde when she witnessed one of the girls being let go "Ciao bella, in American means 'Get the fu@k out'"

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Awkward moment in the club...vol 2.342

This moment goes to my boy's comment: "Oh damn, is that pregnant chick having a drink?" To which her friend who over heard him snapped, "She is just bloated." In fairness to my boy, he was blitzed out of his mind and it was unfair to expect him to make rational statements but...wow. I actually thought he was going to have a drink in the face moment. And...I think most peeps were confused too, they just had the sense to keep their mouths shut.

Great meeting another member of the commonwealth in the bar, this great brit fellow and I had a great time ragging on some of the dancing and actions we were seeing in the club. In his words (and you have to sometimes just love the harshness of brits), "If that girl dances any jerkier we will have to hold her tongue and call for a doctor because she is clearly having an epileptic seizure, she should never be allowed near a dance floor ever again. In fact, allowing her to walk unassisted is probably a crime by itself, but allowing her to dance in public is an affront to evolution." (Ok so maybe the last sentence was mine, but I feel better pretending it was his).

Of course after a few more drinks and the passage of time, he confessed "she is really quite pretty, I just wish she would not dance." It is always weird being around British persons and realizing just how much their mannerisms, speech, and education are so much a part of the Caribbean. He and I spoke as if we went to the same schools, and had the same teachers. Granted I without fear claim that I went to the best of the best schools while in the island, or as all 3 schools (I refuse to count my brief sojurns at UWI or THE Priory) described themselves, I went to the creme de la creme of Nursery schools, Preparatory schools and high schools (after all Campion is a college while other competitors are merely secondary institutions). Kiddies to Mona to Campion...how can one go wrong in life?

(Sorry typing this on a MacBook, no idea how to add accents to Creme --just know that I am educated enough to know that it requires accents). (Man I am so jealous of my Bro's computer, the fact that I can barely understand it...makes me even more jealous, oh you green eyed monster)

Friday, March 07, 2008

One of the 2 men I love is coming into town! v.1.34

My bro arrives this afternoon, it has been ages since we saw each other. Bit crazy that we live 2 hours apart but we see each other about 3-4 times a year.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

"That's Amore"

Welcome to the end of our society! I mean 70% of all TV is crap, 90% of all 'reality' programming is crap, but wow this new show on MTV with Domenico as the star has got to be one of the biggest steaming piles of crap paraded on TV.

I tried to avoid it, I wanted to avoid it, but I blame Erin, she made me watch it, dare I say tricked me into watching it. As Flav would say, 'she got real, psychologically with me'. She brought up what at the time seemed like a valid point "if we watched 'Shot of love' how bad can this be?" My answer at the time was "if the original was crap, and this is a copy of the original then it is probably going to be even worse" I stand by my initial assessment.

Sadly, I think I am still going to watch it.

Brief synopsis of the excrement that flowed through my DVR; one of the challenges had the 'ladies' jumping into a pool of spaghetti and meat balls and then trying to take as many balls in the mouth as they could manage without using their hands and then taking the balls from the pool to a bowl so that they could be added to the team total. Re read that paragraph (it was probably badly written - in a rush here) but yup you read that right, they had women trying to fit 'balls in their mouths' as part of a competition...no one saw anything wrong with that? I am slow to find objectification because too often I think it is just paternalistic, but wow, even I stood back and said, "damn this is bad." But of course the ladies dived right in and started bobbing like they were auditioning for the next Jenna Jameson flick. Heck 2 even started fighting in the pool - I could not resist a chuckle, after all they were fighting to put balls in their mouths...

Erin, I am mad at you for making me watch this, and disappointed at both you and Vera for not somehow making it on this show!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

America ranks as the world's #1 incarcerator...and one in 9 black men my age are LOCKED UP

And no surprise, black men lead as the highest percentage of incarcerated individuals...what is surprising is that Texas and Kansas have acted to slow their rate of incarceration (and it is not via executions).

Read this article for yourself, educate yourself about the ills of our society and then try to make some change...even if it is just staying out of jail your damn self!

This paragraph almost made me cry "Four states - Vermont, Michigan, Oregon and Connecticut - spend more on corrections than on higher education, the report said."

"For some groups, the incarceration numbers are especially startling," the report said.

"While one in 30 men between the ages of 20 and 34 is behind bars, for black males in that age group the figure is one in nine."

The racial disparity for women is also stark. One in 355 white women ages 35 to 39 is behind bars, compared with one in 100 black women in that age group.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Word of the day...and assassin gets mad at me

It has been awhile since there was a word of the day blog so let us do a blog filled with them.
--Unnecessary. It was bloody unnecessary for that guy to work out wearing just boxer briefs, come on dude i know you are swoll and probably think you can do anything but come on man wearing briefs to work out?
--Amazement. Aaron stared at the machine in amazement when he lifted his own weight on the back machine, he then had the same look when he looked at the scale.
--OUTDATED. This one had to go in caps in fact it even uses another word of the day. Aaron stared in amazement at the guy walking in to the weight room with a jerry curl sorry let me state this again. A young man about my age walked into the weight room with the outdated hair style of a JERRY CURL. There is no excuse for that. Thankfully he used a towel. I have been joking for the last couple days that I am going to rock the flat top fade but come on man the jerry curl was played out even when it was supposed to be in style.
--Hmm. An expression Aaron had to utter when a young lady threw herself at him in the club.
--Disgust. The look Sand Assassin gave Aaron when he repeatedly said he would not take the young lady home!

Here's to the morning when Aaron realizes that yoga early in the morning after a night in the club is not the greatest way to recover!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.