Infrequently updated consistently funny

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Shocking...

I made it to the damn barbri lecture: I spent the whole night drinking and then came to a Saturday morning class?? Thank GOD for Wireless internet! Half this class looks like warmed over death, another ¼ like death served cold and another ¼ is just too damn chipper for a Saturday morning. I took a shower last night and a shower this morning and I still smell like alcohol.

Things that currently appear impossible...

...Making it to the MPRE class that starts in under 5.5 hours. Ah the joys of being a law student...at least I had fun tonight, and had the opportunity to play a part in one of the worst fights ever (note I was not one of the main combatants just someone there to break it up).

Friday, October 28, 2005

Halloween...party!

"The Bible does not say that money is the root of all evil; it says "the LOVE of money is the root of all evil" (I Tim.6:10)." --My Dad! (and a million other preachers)

"It’s funny how money change a situation
Miscommunication leads to complication" --Lost Ones by Lauren Hill

So much drama so little Time --Cali-J.

Tonight should be off the Chain, you know it's a bad costume when you can not even describe it to your parents.

Oh damn, I have realized that I am so addicted to DVR that I am trying to fast forward live TV. Commercials just annoy me now. I am now so used to being able to skip to the parts that I want to see that sometimes I pause a show to walk away so that when I get back I can cut out the bad parts. Tivo also makes crappy shows so much better because now I can fast forward through all the bad parts, you know like Diddy trying to be philosophical.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

My USD peeps!

Download examsoft ASAP if you haven't gotten it yet!

Costume I couldn't stomach to wear!

WARNING THE LINK IS TO A PICTURE.

MY FRIEND WANTED ME TO WEAR THIS COSTUME!!! I could not do it though, I am linking to the picture rather than posting it because I think it is that bad a costume.

There is no Justice in politics!

“You’re so deep in the closet that you are finding presents” –Family Guy (Thanks Tivo)

How can you not like politics? In one month there have been so many interesting developments and backdoor deals culminating with Harriet Miers stepping down and possibly tomorrow part of the inner sanctum getting indicted.

By the way I don’t want anyone ever again to try to push that falsity that the court is separate from political pressure and influence. Yes once on the court the judges are away from influence but to get on you have to nowadays be leaning heavily left or right, middle of the road prospects do not make it on the court. Do peeps even care if the person making it on the court is the best candidate or the best candidate that agrees with them?

"Ketch Fraid" re Halloween Costume

So we say this back home when we are explaining why we are suddenly afraid to do something or we are avoiding doing something. So re my costume I have become afraid of wearing it, in essence I am chickening out. I lost much steam after realizing that going as a Katrina Victim would be a horrible idea! Of course the way I have waffled on this costume, by Friday it may be back on.

Cooling rate for a dead body is 1.5 degrees an hour. Just throwing that out there…

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Halloween donations can help Katrina relief!

So if I may, I have a suggestion re your Halloween costumes. Many of us will have toys accompanying our costumes, or we will be purchasing clothes specifically for the party and never intend to wear/use them again. Please donate them to the Katrina relief effort in the writs. NOT JUNK just stuff that is good but you will not need again, and the toys will be welcomed by kids who are now without. Oh and I still have tickets for anyone who might want to go, it’s a great event and now you have something to do with your left over clothes!

Monday, October 24, 2005

REST IN PEACE

Rosa Parks died today at the age of 92!

TEXAS is the number ONE team in the nation!

Well sort of! TEXAS has leaped USC in the latest BCS. All is right with the world. Now before peeps start freaking out and claiming bias etc this was done by the computer polls. I have consistently said that TEXAS has being playing like the #1 team but cannot be voted number one because that spot belongs to USC. However if you look at how both teams have played TEXAS is the better team right now. Funny that the poll that agrees with that is the poll that cannot watch the games. But based on just the quality of opponents TEXAS has had the bigger wins and tougher games. USC opponents have had a combined schedule of 22 wins and 28 losses while TEXAS’ opponents have gone 31 and 18.

Funny my bro the USC alum will not answer my calls today.

Who the hell is voting Virginia Tech #1? No one can tell me that VA tech is better than both TEXAS and USC that’s ludicrous.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Halloween Tickets!

I have them and I am supposed to sell them, so please my loyal readers come and get them. I promise to hand a free beer at the party to anyone who buys a ticket from me.

You will love my Halloween costume…or report me!

So like many people I hate Halloween because of the costume search: And like many people I love Halloween because I love to see the costumes. So let me admit that when it comes to creative things like costuming I have no imagination whatsoever, it’s the same reason why I cannot do watercolors of flower arrangements (ok maybe not the same reason – I do like women [Is that too non-PC?] {In case anyone was confused by my lack of candor I am basically saying that I am not gay!} [Amazing that we equate beauty, sensitivity and creativeness with a man being gay – see the irony?]) (Man I have a bad habit of having parenthetical info that is longer than my regular text- back to the story)
     
So I really, really lack imagination. I see other peeps make/imagine costumes and I think to myself, “Man I hope you choke from the fumes of the makeup and face paint that u so artfully drew on your face to make you into Osama Bin Ladin.” Yes I am that bitter a person when I see other peeps. So I went costume shopping with the Sand Assassin aka Pierre and not 2 seconds into our trip SA finds an outfit. Sadly as he reached up to grab the garments I immediately knew what he was going to be. That is how my imagination works, I need a kick start and then everything immediately comes together. So of course now I am even more frustrated because the person I was counting on to help me on my ‘what the hell to get for a costume journey’ has already completed their part of the trip and my car is still stuck in the garage.

Before I go on let me lay some groundwork: I am not a fan of pre made costumes for myself. I like them for others but I prefer to try and create (see above re how effective that is). So I started bouncing ideas off of friends trying to see if some of the ideas I had for costumes were ok. My first costume ideas were abandoned quickly because of cost: Prince, Lil John etc. Then I thought I had a brainstorm which turned out to be a brain fart: I thought why not go as a Katrina victim/looter. You know a wet shirt cut off shorts a 6 pack of heiny, some plywood, a stereo and a flashlight. However, the shock that accompanied that idea every time I mentioned it, plus my own conscience kicking in, caused me to abandon the idea as just a little too tasteless an idea.

However, my final choice was not greeted that much better by the young ladies that I mentioned it to in the store. Actually that is putting it mildly the pair had 2 of the most visceral reactions to something that I have seen, since white people found out that OJ was going to go free. One girl gave me the look of horror and sadness and tried to hastily distance herself from me, kind of like all the peeps that used to hype Milli Vanilli and her partner looked at me and had a look that made me think she was about to cry. Put it this way it was such a bad reaction that SA and I walked out of the costume store immediately. Of course the minute we stepped out of that dingy store (by the way can costume stores look any more like dungeons?) I turned to SA and said “I have to get that costume” SA being the worst person that you can turn to for advice on decency agreed and immediately started adding ideas to make the costume even worse.

Now I know by now if you read through all of this you would want to know what the costume is, and honestly so would I, but like many people I believe that a Halloween costume based on the “Shock and Awe” aspect has to be kept a secret. However, I coined a phrase and my costume has been rated GTO Guaranteed To Offend. Of course that is assuming that by the time Friday rolls around my conscience has not once again reared its ugly head. I had an attack of guilt today but SA and my bro told me that it was ok and that only the overly sensitive will be offended so here’s hoping!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Quick impressions from tonight:


  • Cal-Western has some hot and fun chics!

  • USD has hot and cool chics!

  • Drinking is the best way to get to know some of my classmates

  • Drinking is the only way to get to know some of my classmates

  • Dudes that hate you will say anything to chics they like to discredit you.

  • Telling a chic that “You must have great coochie to keep him coming back” while fun to say is not the most polite thing to say

  • Tom Delay’s pic is so damn funny that it’s ok to talk about it at a bar.

  • Lesbians are fun to hit on (Yes she was definitely a lesbian: not a “She wont talk to me so she must be a lesbian” lesbian)

  • When you need to get to a restroom IMMEDIATELY no one drives fast enough on the highway in-front of you.

  • Seeing a cops car suddenly pull in-front of you has the magical ability to remove pee from your bladder.

  • I don’t know where it goes but it wasn’t on the seat and I no longer felt like I needed to pee.

  • Buying a round of shots in San Diego is as painful as getting a shot in the stomach from a stranger both leave you gasping for air and wondering why you suddenly feel so empty.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The competition is over!

I know there is still plenty of time left in the year but I am already declaring that Tom Delay has won this year's award for coolest mug-shot. Look at him he is smiling and posed in the shot, the pic is actually better than his official picture as a Member of the House.


There have definitely been funnier shots like this James Brown (see below) gem from a couple years ago when it became apparent that the Godfather of Soul forgot how to use a hot comb...but none cool as ice like Delay in recent memory. Honestly it almost looks like a glamor shot.

Food for days...

1 and a ½ pound chicken chopped in small cubes
1 pound pork chopped in small cubes
4 Chinese sausages chopped in small cubes
5 eggs
3 cups rice
5 large carrots
Freshly chopped Green onions, ginger and garlic
Various seasonings: You know what that gives you? Some rather heavyweight fried rice. I may have been Azn in a past life because I found myself roaming the supermarket at 3am after the gym last night in search of rice so that I could make sure that I cooked the rice far enough in advance to let it rest before frying. Thanks to Minh for turning me onto the joy of cooking Fried rice. Sorry chica I refuse to add salt like you do. At the start of the cooking process I had so much meat in the pot that I was uncertain how I was going to get the rice in, but then I remembered that meat always shrinks while cooking and I also have a huge black wok. Say this to yourself 5 times fast: “The Cali-j has a huge black wok”

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Only a formality I know...

But still shocking that an arrest warrant has been issued for Tom Delay.

Funny lines and late night TV

Oh man so I tivoed (is that an allowable verb?) In living Color and watching it now I just realized this episode has Jim Carrey doing his Vanilla Ice Impression, it is so damn funny that this episode may have to remain saved for a long time…anyone visiting the house or the near vicinity of the crib is welcome to stop by and have a laugh this is a better parody than SNL ever did.

"Hey baby you are my muffin and if you were a turkey I would give you my stuffing. "

Damn the fly girls were hot! There is this Azn fly girl on screen right now, whoa!

“She can’t see you she is blind” “You mean like republican blind to the problems of the inner city or actually blind?”

Dana Kang: You put super glue in my eye!
David Kang: I thought it was eye drops.
Dana Kang: You fucking blinded me!
David Kang: You should have said something after the first eye... you could still see half the world, bitch!
---Barber Shop the series.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Ah Costco...

To rass! So I took a trip to Costco round about 2pm today thinking that at this time of the day that behemoth that is the source of pleasure to all who shop on a budget and require 600 rolls of toilet paper at a time would be empty. Imagine my shock to see a packed parking lot and a packed store. Does no one in SD work? Anyway I love Costco; I have to say it there is nowhere more fun when it comes to bargain shopping.

Of course Costco in many respects is the devil. I am walking through the store and see a great price on an item and have to force myself not to make the purchase because lets be honest what the hell do I need with 400 dryer sheets? I thought for a moment about picking it up because I figured what the heck I want my clothes to be soft too. Then logic hits me, I currently don’t use dryer sheets and it only takes one sheet per load, when in the next 5 years am I going to do 400 loads of laundry?

But now 10 packets of pizza that I need! After all what is better than loading the freezer to the point where u have to throw out ice cubes because space is needed.

Of course the free samples that Costco gives out also help my shopping experience, it’s like shopping at Brookstone you want to try everything even the things you know you can’t afford or need. So I find myself watching the sharks (it’s the term I have for peeps who just hover around the sample trays) I think it’s ok to wait for a sample that is coming hot off the grill or out the microwave but it cracks me up when peeps get vicious in their pursuit of samples, I saw a guy today basically shove someone out of the way to get at a sample. Come on now it’s free food and it’s a never ending supply no need to act like it’s a prison break. I mean why act like law students around free alcohol at Costco, act like you got some dignity.

And of course no Costco trip is complete without consuming a $1.50 hotdog and soda complete with enough condiments that the hotdog now looks like a fully loaded salad. That’s just how I roll!

Wow women hate each other...shocking!

So I woke up this morning with a big bruise on my arm. Now does anyone know how much effort and pressure it takes to leave a distinctive and pronounced bruise on someone as dark as I am? I would love to say you should see the other guy/person but truth be told I might be embarrassed by how the other person looks. Today in class we are going over what girls don’t like about guys and guys about girls. We are also covering what girls don’t like about each other and guys don’t like about each other: Not surprisingly the guys’ list re what we don’t like about each other is only 9 things long, the edited girls list re what they don’t like about each other is 23 items long. The best list though has to be things that each gender hates about the other; the girls’ list includes things like “ignore life for sports” and the guys’ list comes back with “always interrupting when sports are on”

Sunday, October 16, 2005

When to tell someone you are a virgin...

Funny TV moment: Guy and girl making out, guy looking to take it a bit further…
Girl: “Is this a bad time for me to tell you that I am a virgin”
Guy: “Yes”
Girl: “Ok, when would it have been a good time?”
Guy: Oh I don’t know, maybe before you ordered the lobster!”
---Hot Properties.

So at bar review last night I saw this chic cold clock her man. They were arguing and all of a sudden she hauled off and punched him full in the face. I thought that dude was going to spit teeth the way she made his head snap back. Kind of a shocking moment to see a girl hit a guy that viciously and dead on accurately. Cot Damn the party tonight at the Marriott was bumping; sorry Tiff looks like we went on the wrong night the night before. Will blog more about the Marriott incident later, right now I gotta go off and marinate the jerk pork (no it’s not a dirty line, just some of the best food ever).

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Happy Birthday

Tiffany, Jen R and Jen B. 3 hot girls share one great day, almost seems like overkill.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Vikings cruises sound like fun!

So the Vikings just proved that they can’t even score off the field. NFL players paying for sex, hmm where have I heard that before oh right, Cowboys, Knicks, and every team that ever had an athlete visit the Gold Club. Now there is outrage that some of the Vikings apparently took an orgy cruise on Lake Minnetonka. SO? I know I know, it was so bad that the crew brought the ship back early because of lewd behavior, but really is this something that should surprise you. Is this really something that warrants people getting offended? I am not saying encourage the behavior, but no need to go nuts about it, and make it the story on multiple news channels. It hasn’t even been confirmed yet that there were actual orgies if you believe the words of Mwelde Moore "That's crazy. Sex? Come on," not exactly the most impartial witness I know but oh well. Thing is I am tired of peeps pretending that athletes are role models, that ship has sailed. And even if athletes are to some extent role models, what a bunch of consenting adults do on a cruise on a lake would not affect the youth of America if peeps weren’t focusing on it and putting it on the nightly news broadcasts.

So a couple of players got blown on a ship, let’s not blow it out of proportion. (sorry I couldn’t resist)

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Why no Replay?

So I saw the end of the Angels-White Sox game and was shocked at the way it ended. I am still amazed at sports that do not use Instant Replay. Why when there is the option to use instant replay do major sports not use it? The game should not have ended, that much is clear from the tv replays. The umpire made the wrong call, yet the main fault is not his, its Bud Selig’s and all those who refuse to be dragged into the 21st century. Replay would not add that much time to games that are already way too long. Heck it might even speed games up since there would be less hesitation on the part of umpires and less need for the overly dramatic screaming in the face antics of Managers.

Too lazy to blog right now

So tide over with this, as per a request...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Of live sex shows and exploring...

Sorry for the lack of blogs the Cali-J went Cali exploring…fun state great peeps; thanks to Becky for the lodging.

Live sex shows are now permissible in Oregon! You gotta love this state, if the doctors aren’t playing with their patient’s, their strip clubs have 4 feet away ordinances and now you can watch or put on live sex shows. The ruling has opened up some questions as to which sex shows are permissible and which are not? Bill O’Reilly last night made mention of some woman performing in public and of 2 adults engaging in oral sex in front of children (problem is O’Reilly is a terrible source for news)

What to do when you meet someone that knows about your ex-gf from a former life? Act like you don't care!

My newest toy!

I have just received the greatest TV invention since the VCR. I finally today obtained a Tivo/DVR/Replay TV or whatever your company chooses to call it. Thanks Princess Bex: I hung out with her and her family this weekend and after seeing how much it changes TV viewing I knew I had to get one. It’s just so ridiculously good.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

A Picture Share!

Tailgaiting with cal cheerleaders and band. Now that TEXAS has the monkey off its back: GO BEARS!

A Picture Share!

In VINCE we trust! GO HORNS! THIS IS OUR YEAR

Friday, October 07, 2005

TEXAS v OU

The 100th meeting: It's coming! How sweet it will be to win the 100th meeting!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

2 cents re the Cruise Holmes baby affair

So thanks to Tiff I had to throw up a mini blog re this event. So there is much speculation about the Tom/Katie baby and deservedly so. After all his history does not bode well for those thinking that he finally produced a kid: before you say but Cruise has kids (in the words of Lee Corso) not so fast my friend both kids he had with Nicole Kidman are both adopted. He had no children with first wife Mimi Rogers -- though she has since given birth to two children with her present husband. If you believed that the engagement was a sham then it’s easier to believe that the pregnancy is faked. But, do peeps really do that? I can imagine Tom tapping it just to show the world and prove that he is a virile man, but faking an impregnation, artificially inseminating someone because you didn’t want to have sex with her that is just too much for me to believe.
Tiff also reminded me of the fact that Katie had sworn that she was a virgin and would remain that way until marriage. I also remember rumors about Mimi Rogers basically claiming in Playboy that Tom wanted to be a monk and wasn’t that interested in sex.

Damn Doctors! Is this you Dr. D.

What the hell is going on in the North West? Is it really a sue-able offense if the patient was that dumb? She was after all a 47 year old woman! Sorry let me lay ground work: a woman is now suing her doctor because he told her that having sex with him would cure her lower back pain. You gotta think that when the doc said it and saw that it actually worked as a line he couldn’t help himself. But, yeah his ass should definitely have gone to jail for what he did.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Our Westlaw Rep!

Forgot to mention this last month when I found out, but I just saw the ad and it triggered my memory. Our school's Westlaw rep is in the new E-Harmony Ad with her new Husband!

If she is 4 feet away is it still a lapdance?

Wow they have gone crazy in Seattle. (Ok so I am no fan of strip clubs: I tend to think of them as a waste of money and nothing more than a tease. Why pay a woman $20 bills for her to tease you unmercifully and then walk away.) That is just my pet peeve back to the blog subject: Seattle strip clubs have officially become the worst strip clubs in America. Dancers must be 4 feet away from customers? A customer cannot stuff money into a G-String? You have to use a tip jar to pay the stripper? The lighting must be parking garage bright? No private rooms (how will they do the champagne room sex – wait “no sex in the champagne room”)? What in the blue blazes is this? Anyone who has ever set foot in a strip club knows that the last thing you want to be able to do is clearly see everyone that is near you or around you. And I hate to say this, but many of the women who strip cannot afford harsh light being shone on them, nor can the guys who go to ogle at them. I think this is a case of peeps imposing their morality on other peeps and taking it too far. To be honest they might as well have banned the strip clubs entirely (oh wait they couldn’t do that so they back-doored it).

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Is it a good choice? Time will tell

Hmm so Bush nominated a woman for the Supreme Court! At first I was happy because I do want a woman to replace SD O’Connor, then I thought I don’t want someone appointed just to replace a gap. Like if Clarence died today I wouldn’t want to see him replaced with a black guy just because Clarence was black, I would like to see another black guy on the court but not if it means sacrificing credentials just to make a PC move. So now Harriet Miers has been pegged for the spot and I think it’s a rather bold move: It’s a female who has never been a judge before and who appears to be mildly conservative (which has already begun to irk staunch conservatives): Some in the know (sorry for such a vague term) are saying that Bush picked her to avoid the political fight that would have ensued from picking a stronger conservative.

Kind of crazy though how Bush punked Alberto R. Gonzales: A few weeks ago when asked about who he was considering to replace O’Connor Bush laughingly said: "The list is wide open, which should create some good speculation here in Washington. And make sure you notice when I said that, I looked right at Al Gonzales, who can really create speculation."  That’s kind of cold to do that to the man and basically let him know he is a punch line.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Not much to say


I had thought about all the funny things I wanted to say about this image, mainly because I wanted to rag on Sean Penn for basically trying to make a tragedy into a photo-op. Bear in mind that he took a personal photographer with him on a "mission of mercy" but I have used up all my creative juices writing an article for the school newspaper. So I leave you with this...when operating a boat meant to rescue peeps find out how to use it first and carry more than a cop to bail it out idiot! I have had this pic for weeks and never got around to posting it so eh here it is.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

New contact lenses!

Wow technology is just amazing...check out these new contact lenses!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

COME ON ASU

Do it you salty dogs....F.U.S.C. up!

Damn the West Coast TV!

So after planning to lie in bed and watch a Texas victory, imagine my shock turning on ABC and seeing cartoons. So now of course I have to go to the bar and share some beers with my fellow longhorns at 9am!

Bad Pussy will make you itch…

And your eyes will water: So I met my friend’s new cat today and after leaving the house had a massive allergy attack to the point where I was driving by prying my eyelids open.
This post is rated A for Adult:

So it sucks when you drop your female friend home knowing that she is only going home for a booty call. I know I know some of y’all would say be happy for her but I call you hippies. I am not that touch feely feel good type. At first I was cool about it but the more I think about it, the more it hurts me.

This post is rated A for allergy:

Cot damn I haven’t had an allergy attack this bad since I had to be carted to the hospital via an ambulance in the ATX and hooked up to an IV and told that I needed to contact next of kin. I looked like a crack head at the pharmacy I was itching so much I couldn’t stop scratching. The poor chic at the register was trying to talk to me and all I could manage to do was crack open the loratadine tablets and chug the can of Diet Rockstar to try and stop the itching and pain.

This post is rated A for amazingly bad advice:

Yes Pierre you are getting called out for telling me that it’s ok to take 2 pills every 4 hours. Thank God I fished the instructions out of the garbage like a hobo looking for food and read ONE bloodclaut tablet every 24 hours. Thanks for trying to kill your driver off.

This post is rated A for alcohol:

It has been my friend, it has been my lover, and it has been my counselor. I trust it more than I trust most peeps that I know. It also goes great with medication. It also brings out the worst side of some peeps I know, see the above “booty call” paragraph: Not her getting the booty call, but the argument we had on the drive home (My apology for my part of it – but it takes 2 to argue)

This post is rated A for Section A:

Fun kicking it w/ y’all: Who needs a reputation, keep doing what y’all are doing, I love it and I love seeing y’all out.

This post is rated for Awww Ahhhhh:

How the hell are you going to fake moan at the bar? Hmm guess that means that everything you do is fake? Oh wait, guys would have to care for that to matter right?

This post is rated A for Amazing:

Ok so on this one I am going to play psychic: I have already set my alarm to wake me up early so that I can watch Texas beat Mizzou. So because I expect this to happen: “DAMN what an awesome game, we really kicked Missouri’s ass!? Of course if the skies fall and the heavens open up and some how UT loses I will delete this paragraph and pretend it was never posted

Finally, this post is rated A for ASU:

Damn it! Beat the hell out of USC!

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About Me

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.