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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Bachelor picks the women he uhm, he uh, he ugh, he is pretty sure he wants to marry and we learn the Bachelorette is the ugly step child of the franchise.

Black Matt is back for the finale! Tara hates that I call BM, BM but he loves it (I think) and most other peeps definitely love it...There is no racism behind it, it was formulated as a descriptive name at the time when the person I was talking to knew 3 Matts that I knew 2 were white, 2 were tall, all 3 are attorneys only one was Black!

As we always do we are drinking a tonne to get through this show, I an drinking Jamaican Rum Cream and BM an IPA, his might sound like the harder drink, but only one of us scowls every few sips so I think I am winning. By the way, my drink has a tonne more alcohol than BM's...just saying.

We do the terrible move of going to LA for a live studio audience, I ask BM if he would ever be a part of the live audience, ever the pragmatist he says "of course, look at how many women are there...the ratio is definitely in your favor."

Often this is the most boring episode of the season, because at this point all parties involved are too afraid to say anything racy, fun or controversial that might haunt them at the end.

We see Chris walking through a snow covered field with a tonne of flat land with nothing to see but snow...NO WAY DOES THE SAN DIEGO GIRL MOVE THERE FOR EVER. BM insists that we should have asked Becca when we saw her if she won - I mock him because no way does she give up the goods to 2 black guys randomly asking her about the Bachelor.

BM see's Chris' mom and I force him to expound on his initial "wow is that his mom?" he refuses at first but I push and push then volunteer my thought first "You think she looks like a cartoon witch don't you?" He sheepishly agrees. "so becca how do u feel about my son"
I texted our thoughts to E and she makes us cackle (see what I did there?) with "She'll curse the loser". BM "he should have picked the Kardashian girl she was cute" weirdly Tara had just said the same damn thing earlier today...maybe that is why she called him "Impeccably dressed Matt?"

Whitney meets the family first, and she gives a toast"i just want parents again"
 causes the family
more weeping.
 to tear up.
the most weeping.

 Whitney when meeting with the sister's continues her move of being way too eager to show that she is willing to give up her whole career and life for Chris.
 Chris' sisters basically ask the question we have all been asking for 2 weeks if Whitney seems to be all the things Chris wants why is Becca still there? Chris struggles to articulate why he likes Becca...the sisters call him out on it in their confessional.

Whitney sits down with Chris' mom and starts pouring out her heart and BM coldly says "sometimes I think they only want to win". Whitney tells the mom that she desires to call someone else mom since her own mom died years ago...bold move.

Chris meets with his 'boys' to discuss the situation, they meet in a garage, I think it is to look tough!
 Chris' boys also call him out on the Becca issue.

Becca meets the fam:
They ask her about visiting Arlington, Iowa, she plays it off well and makes a joke about spending the weekends at the Post Office...I think there is a grain of pain truth hidden behind the smiles. Becca tells the sisters that she is not in love with Chris yet, but could see it moving there, and that she is not yet ready to move until she is sure - AGAIN CHRIS WHY HER OVER KAITLYN? Stutter out an answer one more time for us. Chris' sister lets something slip - he has been hurt by a Cali girl who refused to move to Iowa before: hmm! Basically the sisters are one step away from saying "She is the worst choice you could ever make" but they are on TV. Chris says that while Becca has not told him she loves him he thinks she will, then says "that is what I am hoping for." Why on earth did he make someone part of his final 2 that he hopes love him?

Becca sits down with Ursula Chris' mom: The mom calls her something special. Then maybe casts a spell?
 Becca repeats that she is not in love with Chris. Chris' mom speaks of his past and BM says "Why does everyone keep talking about what he has been through, did he get his heartbroken or something?" I point out "everyone has had their heart broken, they make it sound like he went through a war." Chris' mom keeps insisting that what Becca is feeling for Chris is love. I think it might be virginal indecision (if she is still a virgin).

Chris walks her out and they kiss and Becca breaks away from him to get in the SUV to "Get in the warmth" yup this is the Sunny San Diego girl that is going to move to Iowa???? Come on son! The Bachelor's strike rate for marriages is already pitifully low, if he were to pick Becca, that would hurt it's already bad stats! 5 of 29 couples have gotten married...

Back to the studio audience and Chris Prime narrating to us his thoughts, I fast forward through it, if I missed something dear reader I apologize, but I would risk good money saying I bet I did not! BM viewing the audience "I don't think you can go if you are a guy" I point out a few men in the audience and suggest "Maybe it is like a Vegas club 3 girls 1 guy to get in?"

Chris goes to meet Becca in her hotel suite she looks tense every time they kiss. Becca asks Chris how he is feeling and Chris the great orator of our time long pauses and then says "I want everything in your heart that you can give me" - this is what happens to us when '50 Shades of Grey' counts as great literature! Becca tells Chris "I cannot give you a timeline of when I want to move [BM interjects "she doesn't want to move"] towards love."

Becca says she doesn't know when she wants it but she wants to have kids, she wants to get married. Chris keeps asking her why she doesn't love him - this is very, very awkward. Chris tells her not to hold back, he wants to know what would stop her from falling in love - she says the uncertainty of what she would do when/if she moved to Arlington. His friend earlier said to him that he might be chasing Becca because he cannot get her, he is probably right. This girl keeps throwing up speed bumps and stop signs and Chris keeps powering through them like he is on a tractor (I could not resist). I feel like we just watched a creepy moment. There was nothing romantic in this whole segment. Chris says in his confessional "tonight the answers I got were not necessarily what I hoped for. But Becca wants me in her future." I think he listened to a different conversation than I did.

Look plenty of girls (okay a few girls, okay a handful, okay a couple) could accuse me of hearing what I wanted to hear when it was time for us to break up, but I really hope I was not as obtuse as Chris was. The studio audience claps, BM "Why the hell are they clapping. It's not a play" We watch and comment on this thing like a sport - because it is!

Final date with Whitney, I bet BM she will jump into Chris' arms, she does not disappoint.

Chris takes her to harvest corn on his farm! Read that last part again, on their final date they harvest corn. They sit in a Combine together and harvest Corn!
"so tell me about all the, um, buttons"
 Would they have to do this for their anniversary? Chris shows her around his acres and acres of property (800 Acres) that's cool to own, but will a girl from a big city be satisfied with it? BM earlier pointed out that if Chris did not pick Whitney he is an idiot...this could be a test of the educational system in Iowa. I zoned out through much of the conversation on this date. Chris goes to Whitney's room and spots a picture of them together that she has framed and she says "I carry it in my suitcase everywhere we go." I am sure most peeps find that cute, I find that weird.

Whitney tells Chris that she is confident because that is why she is there but at the same time "I am so fricking scared" she knows he cannot tell her his final decision, but she is definitely fishing...I applaud your attempt Whit.

Final day:
We get Chris shirtless staring out of the hotel window, the view is of an industrial city, we see Chris in a sweater, back to staring out of the hotel window, Neil Lane cannot appear at the hotel room door fast enough. Neil points out Iowa is very cold...shocking! You know he is pissed that this is where he had to fly to present rings to a Bachelor.

This season must have saved the show so much money, no way is it an expensive shoot in Iowa (I say this not knowing the cost of the constant heaters you would have to have running around me to keep me warm in a snow covered landscape). By comparison most seasons end with trips to exotic locations, not Dubuque, Iowa.

Becca shows up first to the barn, this is a bad sign right? The first girl gets booted! Chris says "I hope I am making the right call, but seeing her I am not sure what I am going to do." He kisses her (of course he does). Chris tells Becca the she is not really ready to be his wife and so he is letting her go...he says it only slightly gentler than I just wrote it, but with all his stuttering pauses he might as well have just said "look girl it's over." Sooo many heavy sighs from Chris, at one point he sighs 4 times in between words (you can see his breath, it must be freezing in that barn). Becca does not seem sad to be going home, girls in week 2 showed more emotion than she is showing on the final day.
"is there somewhere we can stop for a burger"

Whitney arrives to the barn of judgment (Seriously a barn, how much did this cost them? Oh wait, it's already owned by Chris' family!) the show is really pushing this country theme a little too much.

 Whitney kisses him and I want to yell, "Gurl he just kissed the other chick." BM and I agree that they had to have hidden the limo with Becca, because there is no way 2 limos passed on that isolated road and they did not notice each other.
 Chris gets his tear face on and drops to a kneeYES!!!!!!!!!!!!
 and we get the glimpse of the huge rock that Whitney will now permanently affix to her finger. 4-chris-bachelor-winner-engagement-ring-whitney-becca-engagement-ring-picture
Chris has to give her the final rose...just once I would like the girl to take the ring but be funny enough to say no to the final rose.

BM announces that Whit's voice would grate on him after awhile - welcome to the club fella.

After the final Rose:
Chris comes out to thunderous applause, he is as inarticulate as ever. Becca comes out, and she is as calm as she was when she walked off the show. Elizabeth texts me "I think Becca is a robot" she might be right. RIP Leonard Nimoy, if there is ever a female Spock the actress can take her 'Do not show emotion' cues from Becca.

Whitney comes out, tonnes of kissing and heavy sighs and Whitney is breathing and bobbing like she just ran a mile against Roger Bannister (look it up kids). Whitney says moving to Iowa is in the future plans, but there is no hurry there. We see a scene of Chris' parents celebrating with the new couple and Chris' mom immediately talking about grand babies...the struggle is real.

Ashley S is in the audience, Chris Prime asks her again if she is going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, her response "I mean, I suppose, I might be there" - everything about her screams actress to me.

Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance, he mocks Ashley S. claiming that she thinks that she is on the Price is Right currently. He asks the couple if they have been making love constantly, they affirm that they have...not awkward at all. Kimmel claims that he has a surprise for the couple, runs off stage and returns with a cow that he has named Juan Pablo.
"help me"
Time for the Bachelorette announcement: Chris Prime claims that Bachelor nation was split, he polls the audience, Britt or Kaitlyn, the response for Britt is not enthusiastic.

 "We actually decided not to for the first time in history, we are going to have two Bachelorettes." Apparently the 25 guys on the first night will get to choose which of the 2 they think will make the best wife. This feels weird to me, it feels a bit icky to do this to the women - Both arrive on stage in sparkly silver dresses.
Embedded image permalink
Kaitlyn does not look pleased to be sharing the stage with Britt and then proves it by saying her first reaction to hearing that Britt will be there "well that's not ideal" preach.
Oh Kaitlyn, I feel ya.

Elizabeth texts me and insists that I go back to see Chris say that he wanted to marry a woman like his sister. I am now very mad at E for making me have to watch Chris emote again.

And again the next Bachelorette is Kaitlyn...

and...Britt! The final announcement was displeasing. The optics are bad ABC, even on the female 'controlled' season...the men still choose!!!!!

Okay Elizabeth, this last addition is for you...since E pointed out that it is creepy that Chris wanted someone just like his sisters for his wife:

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Bachelor recap or The women tell all becomes Britt's audition reel

Black Matt (BM) is here for the most potentially ratchet night of the season...BM pretends he didn't know it would be. Shout out to Elizabeth...I still hate you for getting me into this show, but nights like this I am closest to liking you.

Chris Prime expecting a laugh says "this is the most shocking season of the Bachelor" he gets crickets. We do that new Bachelor tradition of sneaking into a home of viewers to 'surprise' them with the Bachelor [Chris proving that he is a country boy asks "what if they have guns?" I think he is only half kidding]. I do not believe the first house they go to is merely a weekly viewing party, too much has been put into this! We are talking themed food, costumes and props! The kiss count jumps to ONE because a mom sneaks up on Chris and plants a kiss on his lips!
"jk let's just make out"
Too many of these doors are UNLOCKED in LA, I lived in that city no one leaves doors unlocked, they might not know for sure the Bachelor is coming, but they know someone might be coming...the groups he visited this season were a lot more fun than the last season's these peeps were all LIT: One group even got him to take shots

The girls are all reintroduced to us and we get the requisite..."Who is she?" looks!
Hello Trina it is very nice to meet you
The show's quick recap has insets of the girls watching the show, Britt and Kelsey are not happy! As I said earlier in the season, Carly's schadenfreude of Britt is met with disdain from the audience - I think Carly lost much of the heartland with piling it on. Britt immediately attacks Carly as the recap ends. If Ashley I is still a virgin...her dress cannot be.
All of America's feelings captured in a single facial expression.
That thing has less fabric than my underwear.

Chris Prime brings Britt up to talk and I guess moderate? He is terrible at that. Black Matt asks "Isn't there a black girl on this?" we then cut as if a producer heard him to the 'Black girl' he voices what I have hinted at "Wow they found the lightest black girl they could find!" I post that because I cosign it; do I believe they really did that? I don't not believe it ;)
The Bachelor: Women Tell All Recap: Kelsey Talks About Her 'Amazing' Story
Look carefully at that picture, the 'black girl' is there, but I could see why you would miss her

Britt gives us her "I am a good person resume" inner city tutoring, blah blah BM "she is crying so much" I wonder "How does her makeup stay on?" - So macho we are. Britt plays the victim really well, she might be a better actress than I thought she was. She also has a bull dog in Jillian who attacks Carly and seems willing to fight for Britt. Britt to Carly "Can I just say something where you don't interrupt me because you have pretty much narrated my whole life for the last 3 weeks?" I think she planned that line.
BM "She is crying again, we should make it a drinking game" ME "None of us would survive that" BM "Even you would get drunk"

We are shown a peep into the interaction between Britt and CP during the commercial break and Britt is crying again and so BM has to drink some more...He may have to spend the night on my couch!

I yell at BM for whispering one of my lines when CP says that Kelsey went from a widow to a "black widow" BM "Racist" no fair, I love yelling that in sotto voce randomly when anyone says "black" (about anything).

Kelsey immediately brings up the dead husband - Chris Prime is paid the big bucks to not roll his eyes...he offers his handkerchief to Kelsey as she cries and she blows her nose in it - she is allowed to keep it. Even in her apology to the girls Kelsey is demeaning - The first girl who gets a chance to talk Juelia (widowed too) calls her the fakest person she has ever met. Megan points out that if Kelsey is grieving she should never have been on the show.
Chris Harrison and Kelsey on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
Kelsey addresses the girls as if she is a Schoolmarm and they are unruly children,
Britt and Jillian have apparently appointed themselves guardians of her story and try to defend her...most of the other girls are not fans.

Black Matt and I exhibit jealousy at Chris Prime's job! WE want it! We get footage of Ashley S with an Axe! "WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?", is the question both BM and I think of at the same time. Ashley presents Chris with an onion as a gift.
BM immediately says "she looks older than 24", "They all do" I reply...and I know a tonne of you readers think the same.

Ashley S seems no saner than when she was on the show, I gave her the benefit of the doubt re the stress of the show, I am now wondering if she is not crazy but just a delusional actress. Chris extends the Bachelor in Paradise invite to Ashley S. the crowd chants "Do it"...of course she will.

Jade touches the hot seat - in another macho moment, when we get a recap of Jade's season and her Cinderella date I couldn't help myself and said out loud "But that was such an ugly dress tho" and BM instead of judging says "For sure". We are absolutely going to raise a barn after this show!
The Bachelor should absolutely release a line of make up after this show called "Cry just a little" (they may already have a makeup line, too lazy to ever look that up) the makeup these ladies use can withstand so many tears. Jade says Chris letting her go because of the pictures crushed her.

Kaitlyn is up next and I threaten BM that she is mine. Kaitlyn is crying, do not worry girl I GOT YOU!

Chris comes out and Britt asks to come up there and she immediately gives him the too long to be comfortable hug.
"let's hug while i take a break from weeping"
 Anyone who he has picked as his wife is probably sitting there right now planning a way to kill her. She does a bit of inappropriate touching

Kaitlyn calls Chris out for making her stand through the rose ceremony if he already wanted to boot her. Kaitlyn is tough but fair to him.
"i can't believe u sent me home after i literally sweated out 7 pounds of bodily fluids for you"
Jade also requests to come up to talk to Chris; When did this become Oprah? the-bachelor-women-tell-all-4

This was a bad tell all, let's hope the bloopers are at least funny...they are funny especially when they make fun of Chris' dolphin laugh.

We are unfortunately not told if Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette!
(The divorced) Chris Prime pimps his (romance) is fictional, just like the show he hosts. HEY OH!!!!!

Ratchet Scale: a 2 nothing but tears and Jillian flexing her muscles
MVP: The Make up artists! It is the all star game of the Bachelor season no one keeps a real score on this episode.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.