Infrequently updated consistently funny

Friday, August 23, 2013

Ben Affleck is the new Batman

My twitter brother from another mother  @swalloween generated this meme
"I'm trying to give Halle Berry a baby and nobody can stop me" Drake, on the Versace remix. Poor Migos they did the original Versace track and few give them any credit it is all about the "Drake verse"

I also love that Halle is still getting music shout outs that woman is glorious!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Bachelorette finale or How I lost hours of my life to crappy poetry

We start with a live LA studio audience…otherwise known as ABC’s attempt to stretch this show out longer and longer. Long overdrawn shots of Des looking out over a harbor with her telling us how broken she is over the Brooks departure and a lot of snot. Chris Harrison plays show therapist (D’s words) and to be fair he does not do a great job as a therapist, he just drops his voice and lets her cry then nudges her back to the 2 guys that are still left.

Listening to Des with Chris Harrison you can be pretty certain that Drew has no chance (Chris has very little hope for a long term love also since Des says she wants to go home) because Des basically describes him like you would about a runt of a litter.

Chris and Drew show up to see Des and Chris Harrison points out to them the obvious…Brooks is not here. Des then leads with “you might notice that Brooks is not here” the use of the obvious is rife on this show. Des proceeds to break down infront of the guys while talking about Brooks leaving…how can these guys see this and still propose? Des gives both the option to not accept their roses, D thinks the guys should just peace out now.

Chris says it is hard to see her cry, (D yells “Brainwashed”) poor guy does not realize that Des is crying for another man. It is late at night so I am using that as an excuse for skipping the live crowd segments, but the truth is, I probably would not watch any of it anyway. I am already shocked enough that people read my blog recaps, I do not think you want to read my recap of other peoples recaps. I tried to stomach one of the in-crowd segments but once I heard the phrase “team Chris” I was already tuning out – we have over used the “team-X” phraseology.

Drew and Des take horses down to the water and Des says she has “a lot riding on today” analogy much? Des in her confessionals is basically saying “over it”. Drew makes a toast to “being madly in love” uh oh! She cries her way through telling Drew that she is dumping him…while holding his hand. My words with friends app freezes while this is happening and it is still more dramatic than this breakup. Drew is so calm during this breakup that I cannot help but think he secretly wanted it. Drew walks away from their beach picnic and appears to walk for awhile to the minivan waiting for him…did the minivan just wait there the whole time? Normally someone does not leave the date so why was it there? How did Drew know where to walk? How many times did they have to direct him to the spot? Or most realistic of all, how long did they have to scramble to find a minivan and delay Drew so that they could have the clich├ęd drive away…

Chris gets to go on another boat with Des. Des sounds like she is trying to talk herself into Chris, they are so boring together that they have made what looks like a good date look blah – though much of this might have to do with the over exposition that occurs with Des’ confessionals. I think Aaron Sorkin may have written this episode of the Bachelorette (yeah yeah I know ‘Reality’).

It is an hour in and no poems from Chris, I think something is up! Chris brings up meeting Des’ parents she says that is okay but the pause, oh it was pregnant. Chris gives Des a journal and she reacts like she has found buried treasure, I react with revulsion because I know, I just know poems are going to be in it…and I am right! I should have gone to bed instead of watching this. I am pretty sure that Des whispers “I want you to stay the night” or something similar, but I am so over this I am not rewinding to confirm.

We come back from a commercial and Des is again leaning on the railing overlooking the bay, I bet there is a worn out spot on that rail. Des introduces Chris to her family, I perk up a bit because the bro is there. Des’ bro asks Chris rational questions like is he concerned that she might have a stronger connection with other people…is he psychic or did the producers feed him knowledge? Des claims to be worried about what her brother would/will ask Chris, if that were legit, he would not be there.

We get the pull aside, Chris and Des’ dad sit uncomfortably close together on a patio, have to frame those shots. Chris asks Des’ dad for his permission, quickly given. The family interrogation of Chris is quickly over and I am ticked…not enough questions from the bro, I think they sedated him.

Des and her bro have a ‘heart to heart’ he approves of Chris, I am disappointed. The bro brings up Brooks and Des responds like she is giving a TV interview, I much prefer the bro to Brooks, oh if only we had, had the brother as the Bachelor and Des as the background fluff.

We get our seasonal appearance by Neil Lane, I know he can make some good stuff but jeez he creeps me out when he tries to fake sincerity. Chris picks a rock that is so huge I think he is having a hard time picking it up. Chris keeps talking as if he thinks Drew is still there…was Des told to not let him know he was the only one? Were the guys always sequestered from each other…how does he not miss seeing him around the hotel? Eh too many questions this blog.

Chris walks up to meet Des on the ‘fake’ proposal spot. I notice that Des’ earrings seem to match the ring Chris picked out, these are the things you notice when bored. Chris is about to propose but Des stops him, she has to unburden herself about Brooks first…again are you sure you want to propose here man? Chris listens to her cry for another man and still takes the knee (with the fake turn the ring directly to the camera which is either added later or earlier to the footage). Des promises to call him everyday…I am good without that promise (then again I am single). It is a bit funny that the guy that faked a proposal in the first episode is the guy dropping to his knee for a ‘real’ proposal at the end of the season.

There is the after the final rose special…can I make it through?

Brooks shows up, claims to be nervous. Des asks what happened: and we get a quick reminder of how boring Brooks is. Brooks is told that Des and Chris are engaged and he has more the look of a man who dodged a bullet and less the look of a shocked man.

Drew is next on stage and the snore fest continues. Drew says no regrets and claims he is no longer in love with Des. "Were you ever really bro?"

Chris is brought out next and does not seem to be bothered by the fact that his girl was more in love with Brooks than she was with him. Des is moving to Seattle she sounds ‘enthusiastic’. And of course Chris breaks out another poem, this time framed with all the roses from the rose ceremonies. Look dude we all know you got the girl and she likes cheesy poetry but was it not enough you tortured us throughout the season…must you do this to us again?

Juan Pablo is announced as the new Bachelor…ladies are probably going to love this season

Bachelorette recap - Antigua forget the Barbuda and forget the happily ever after!

[Editors note "Wow I am really far behind on posting this and the finale" I write them the night of but usually delay posting and I just forgot, so here is a bonus 2 posts in one hour type of thing]

This week we go to Antigua but first we are given a 'previously on the Bachelorette' that lasts 10 minutes and 53 seconds, thank god for DVR or I would have shot myself and the 2 persons watching it with me. And they would have accepted the sweet release.
Drew is first
So of course walking around they find a mini street carnival cause seriously the Eastern Caribbean just parties all the damn time. They sit down for a picnic and Drew shows us that he cannot peel a pineapple.
It is raining which ruins the dinner with the bonfire that Des claims she planned for them – can we stop pretending that the Bachelorette or Bachelor actually set these dates up. So we get to see them kissing under an umbrella beside a fire that is rapidly going out, then walking to the fantasy suite that was just STEPS AWAY. So yup fake make out session. Drew is offered the fantasy suite card despite the fact that they are already in the fantasy suite (because of rain). D and E are still convinced he is gay, he does not do a tonne to dispel that when he uses long speeches that seem forced.
Drew does a move I can respect he takes a bit of control and turns to the camera peeps and says “okay guys time to go…” the camera pans out and we here Des say “it’s hot in here” which I am assuming is code for “take your clothes off”.
Brookes is sort of up next…
I say sort of because we find Brookes going back home to talk to his family about Des. Brooks is admitting that he is not sure about his love for Des. He tells his mom and sister that the physicality is there…awkward.
Chris is actually up next
E points out that he is rocking the V-neck. We knew there had to be one in this episode. D thinks Des is not going to age well “She already has old woman face”. They take a helicopter over to Barbuda which is treated like it is subordinate to Antigua (which Des cannot pronounce properly by the way) I guess no one told the Bachelorette producers that they are a TWIN island Republic. There is some rolling around in the sand and kissing. They both claim to be feeling each other and this date is still boring.
We are all sitting here anticipating if Chris is going to break out a poem. Everything he does we think means poem moment. He says “here is the thing” and we expected a poem instead he tells her about Seattle, he touches the pockets of his pants and we exclaim “he is reaching for a poem.”. By the way they set up their mics right beside every bug in the island there is constant chirping throughout the meal. Des really says like a lot, like a whole lot, like she can turn a whole sentence into a like fest.
Chris is offered the fantasy suite and claims he wants it just to spend time with her and gaze at the stars. And you guessed it, I know you guessed it…he has a poem. It is as terrible as we knew it would be so we spend the time making jokes about how awesome it would be if Des’ brother just popped up out of nowhere.
Brooks is I guess up next…
He appears in a V-neck, there is a knocking at his villa door and it is Chris Harrison. Chris appears to be faking concern as Brooks tries to hype the drama. I am guessing Chris’ inner monologue is “don’t yawn, don’t yawn, nod your head”. Chris HarrisonChris finally cuts to the chase “are you not sure, or are you not in love with this woman?” I am thinking no guy turns down the fantasy suite when they have come this far…but then I raise the point that maybe Brooks already had sex with her. D raises another point maybe Des had sex only with Brooks “which is why he is over it and the other guys are still so sprung”.
Brooks’ hesitation with falling in love is actually the rational response after only 2 months but this is not great for the show or its premise. Chris Harrison really looks pissed that he has to work more than 2 minutes in this episode. He tells Brooks that he has to be the one to tell Des and I just know it is because he doesn’t want to have to exert the effort.
The producers are setting Des up sooooo hard; her pre date interview is all about how much she loves Brooks and would immediately accept his proposal and how great their date is going to be…uh oh. Brooks takes her to sit down and Des starts to get “oh no” face, her brain is starting to process it before the words escape Brooks’ lips. He takes forever to get to the point. He tells Des “please don’t cry” from my experience those are words that never work.
Des curls into a protective ball when she realizes what is happening. Des tells Brooks that she loves him and he then says “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” Is he hinting that if she had said it first he would have said it too? There really is a tonne of cheesy music this episode. Brooks looks bored and tired with pretending to care, he is holding the side of his head in his hands but it looks like the boredom pose not the ‘I am so stressed’ pose.
So a tonne of this is boring and drawn out so let me comment again here JAMAICA WE NEED TO GET the Bachelor/Bachelorette. The damn show makes every location look amazing we need the tourist dollars and we are so much better than all these other locations. Antigua and Barbuda is a backwater destination compared to us…let’s get on this. D brought up a point earlier that it would suck to be the guy picked and then see Des go on all the dates and all the kissing she did earlier in the season.
Then his point is immediately validated by Des claiming she only wanted to be with Brooks even when she went on other dates blah blah. So if she ends up picking Drew or Chris they are going to have to sit there and realize she NEVER EVEEEER wanted to be with them. Brooks and Des finally break apart and we get a shot of Des sitting on the pier bawling…again have fun with that whomever guy gets picked. E points out “At least he gets to leave in a limo.”
Des in her confessional basically admits to what I just typed above – she does not love the remaining 2 guys as much as they love her.

So quick recap,
Brooks dumps Des
2 guys are left that she does not love
The show squeezed 2-3 more hours out of this
Des continues her streak of having me stare at the screen and think "What the hell are you wearing?"

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.