Infrequently updated consistently funny

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Frozen nipples, American Idol and Big girls

This might be bad to say, but I am going to say it anyway: Tonight on American Idol 2 big girls showed up, 2 friends and I mean BIG girls, it is not mean to say they were big they were definitely big, I mean they were big like the camera panned out to get them in frame kind of big. Anyway they were doing a little back-story about the girls to say that though they were not sisters they were close and the only difference in them was the type of men they liked. But, the girls also mentioned that they liked "the same kind of food and the same things to do" and I literally sat up in bed cause I was laughing so hard cause in my mind all I kept saying was "OF COURSE THEY LIKE THE SAME KIND OF FOOD, THEY LIKE ALL KINDS OF FOOD and the thing they both like to do is eat!"

The bonus though is that they can really sing!

Seriously Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Super Bowl pre-game, what Richard Simmons was busy?

So it is no secret there is a Bar TOO near my apartment, tonight I met up with a friend on an off chance while she was parking her car, so we decided to meet up at the bar. Since it literally shares the block with my apartment I figured I would just walk down in a t-shirt and sandals after all I figured I would not freeze walking less than a block. Well when I hit the bar it was just above 50 degrees, all good, still t-shirtesque weather. But anyone who has spent time in SD knows the temp here can drop significantly at night over a couple hours. Well we spent a few hours in the bar and upon leaving I figured I would head over to the supermercado (Cali-J showing love for my Spanish friends) since it was only a few more blocks over. Well let me tell you this, when you are used to the weather being in the 60s and it suddenly hits 45 and you are in a begin to think your nipples are about to fall off cause everything on you is so damn cold!

Let me add this, when cold, running in sandals is not easy, and wind, is definitely your enemy. Well that is what I got for not wanting to walk the 30 paces back to my complex and take the elevator to my apartment (ok I normally take the stairs but I could have taken the lift if I was feeling lazy)

Moral of story 45 = not t-shirt weather!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Scrabulous is a disease - losing is the cure

I love it as a Facebook application; in fact it is my favorite application, just above chess. I loved the game as a kid; I tried hard every few months to beat my parents playing the game. Then spent a couple hours applying salve to my emotional beat downs. I am 28 and have still never beaten my parents in scrabble. Granted we have not played in over 10 years but STILL, the record remains in tact.

Anyway, for a few years, I had forgotten about scrabble, and then I discovered the yahoo version of it, and realized I was addicted again. Played Sand Assassin for sanity during the bar study period and loved it all. For a couple years ‘Literati’ (aka yahoo’s scrabble) was the salve to my intellectual laziness, I could pretend that my brain was stimulated while playing a game.
My group
BUT, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO facebook had to try and ruin my life and introduce Scrabbulous. How has it affected me? Let me count the ways:
1. I am clearly not as smart as I thought I was (or my opponents just have the scrabble lexicon memorized – I vote this answer)
2. There are 109, 2 letter words and I think I have learned about 107 of them…such info must have pushed out other more important info right?
3. I actively boot up my computer to just check games
4. I sincerely (for a second) wish ill to my friends when they play all 7 tiles and score a bingo
5. Even winning a game is not satisfying if I have to worry for an instant that a friend could come back and win
6. I pretty much only use facebook to access scrabulous and chess
7. I look at my friends who have not added scrabulous as dull insects who need an intellectual kick inna their batties.
8. I hate my friends who have beaten me. (Ok hate is strong, but you are disliked – know that)
9. Seriously QI should not be a word! It feels like someone just made it up to get a scrabble win ages ago and then they just added it to the dictionary!

Scrabulous has affected me to the point that I created a facebook group about scrabulous. Me, the guy who is so Facebook deficient that I had to ask someone else how to change my profile picture.

So let me declare it here, SCRABULOUS IS THE DEVIL and YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GET IT. Then challenge me to a game, so I can smoke you!

Open challenge to my other bloggers (especially the Canadian folk – Since we know you guys cannot spell) I am taking on all comers

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Fox continues to destroy society. vol 2.3 and weight update

'The moment of Truth' is just another example of Fox's reckless disregard of the Nation's moral fabric...and I not so secretly like the concept of the show. I wish it could be a bit more fast paced but it is interesting listening to some of the questions that have been asked: "Do you think you will still be married 5 years from now?" "Do you think any of your friends have hit on your wife (or something like that)?"

Someone like myself would be horrible on that show, it is no secret that I keep practically everything hidden. Even with a blog that I update daily (almost) I still reveal very little of myself. My closest friends know so little about me. I keep secrets from everyone, not to hurt or protect but because it is who I am. In fact, most peeps use me as a repository since I am better than a diary and safer than any journal.

But I digress, the show is awesome, if you have ever wanted to discover uncomfortable secrets about your significant others or close friends.

Weight loss update, your boy Cali J has dropped another pound + since last week, it would have been 2.6 (you have to love digital scales) but then there was the unfortunate incident of 'this was a football weekend' The New Syrian Mafia, myself and O'Danny bwoy, went nuts on wings, pizza and beer all weekend I actually added 1.4 pounds between my weigh in on Friday evening and my weigh in on Monday.

"My hair is also adding weight", that is what I keep telling myself, once I finally shave up, that has got to release another lb. Assassin, the challenge continues, you are going down son! Shotta, you want in on this?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger has died

He was found dead in his apartment today. Pills were found near the body...

Friday, January 18, 2008

If downward dog is a resting pose, why am I so tired?

So I did yoga tonight for the first time ever, and the Cali J is proud to say he completed the hour. He is not proud to say, he thought he was going to have to quit like a punk! Yoga is a lot harder than I thought it was. Look I am not some idiot who just stared at it and went "I can do that". I went in knowing it would be tough, but damn I did not think that some of the 'poses' would be so tough.

The E'wanna be'Rin and I went to Kick Boxing on Monday and while I was not great at least I was able to keep up, and since I had lost 24 pounds since October (yes I am patting myself on the back) I figured, yoga could not be harder than Kick Boxing. Well the only thing I got right in that thought was that I would not sweat as much.

Adho Mukha Svanasana is the resting pose aka Downward facing dog and I love the name (cheeky I know but gosh I love it) but did not find it restful.

I actually found Urdhva Mukha Svanasana aka upward facing dog to be much more relaxing, though I wonder if a lot of that was just my mental un-comfortableness (that should be a word) with the way the pose looked?

We did not attempt Parsva Bakasana aka side crow pose, look at the link it is awesome, the instructor showed us how it would look but did not require it of us.

What we did do is the crow pose aka Bakasana and I am proud to say, I got up there for about a second or 2 before falling I mean come on it was my first day! Thing is, there is something very strange about resting one's whole body on their elbows in a room full of peeps, I know I am too tied to the modern world but I kept thinking isn't there some machine that could do this for me.

So I think it is obvious to my readers that I am currently single or hiding my latest relationship really well (either could be true but we will go with single for now). Yoga in Downtown San Diego, 'home of the beautiful people' is not the easiest thing for a hot-blooded single male. Hard to focus on clearing your mind and doing a good doggy with some blazing hot yogameister wearing only a white sports bra and skin tight dance pants beside you and another searing hot chica in a see thru dri-fit type shirt and shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush infront of you.

The instructor kept saying, focus on your breathing and I kept saying in my head "damn right, I do not want anyone to hear me panting" at least the good thing is that if they heard the panting they might have just thought it was from working out so hard.

Now I wonder if all my sweating was due to yoga. Anyway, I gotta tell you my peeps, Yoga is legit, and to my male friends who think it is a waste of time, come join me on a Thursday, 7.30pm at my gym, I guarantee you will have your heart rate elevated.

Oh and Azn Josh, you are getting whipped in Tennis tomorrow, so bring an ice pack to soothe your wounds.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Customer service woes changed to cheers and keep Aaron from Bling!

So every longtime (regular) reader of the Cali J, knows he suffers from serious insomnia. In fact if you check the times on most of his posts you will notice that they are at odd hours of the night, for instance this is being posted at 4.50am.

So I am a fan of late night infomercials but never buy anything from them. I hate impulse buying and rarely succumb to it, despite my love of clothing, I can walk through a store filled with sales/great deals and not purchase things I did not want/need.

But what I do know is this, the later at night it becomes the more things I hesitated to buy during the day seem much more practical or needed! To that end, I have been shopping for watch jewelry. My parents (who spoil me now that I know longer am a drain on the family resources by not living at home) gave me great gifts for xmas, my right arm is hanging in gold and my upper body shimmers in the smooth black green and gold of my jacket (I requested it cause seriously no need for my mom to go shopping when she can just send me to find my own gift). So I figured I needed to add some bling to the left arm to counter balance the right.

Sounds good so far, and during the day I looked at watches, found some great deals figured, hey I could get that, the price is not too horrible I will look great with that on my wrist, blah blah blah. But in daylight the little voice in my head said, "YOU currently have FOUR watches you wear in rotation, you cannot find a FIFTH watch, your 6th watch needs to be repaired so where on earth is this other watch going to go?"

Then it hit 2am last night, and I figured why not check out the site one more time. I immediately remembered that I wanted to get my bro a gift so I might as well buy him a watch too, then I figured to be fair his watch should be as good as mine, then since I already had 2 watches I might as well get a third to complete the order. So I purchased a LADIES watch, with the idea that I would give it to my Valentine. At this moment I should point out that I do NOT have a valentine, yet I was buying a watch for this girl? What girl? A smaller voice inside said I could also give it to my mom.

Anyway, I executed the purchases and immediately regretted them. Well not entirely true, I first thought, sweet I just got an awesome watch, then I looked at my night stand and saw 3 watches staring back at me...then I regretted the purchase. Symmetry was beautiful I think, 3 watches purchased, 3 watches staring at me!

So tonight since it was about 4am I decided to contact the company despite the fact that their site says no refunds all sales final etc. I then decided to (lawyer them) talk sweetly, explain my problem and humbly beseech a cancellation of my sale. Of course I initially had to go through the customer service trick of once your request is received the contact is terminated, but I persevered. I finally got a great young lady (and if you have seen me 'work magic' you can understand why I would love getting a lady as my customer service rep) who though she initially fed me the company line, took all my items off, and removed the penalties that the company normally charges, restocking etc, termination of accounts all that jazz - thirty minutes later.

I know most peeps just accept their fate when they make a bad purchase and I was in fact willing to bite the bullet but then thought "might as well try." I really think in this day and age with competition so fierce on the internet that as long as you are not shopping internationally there is really no such thing as "All sales final" when dealing with corporations.


Saturday, January 12, 2008

"I'm international, check my passport, but still in the hood ducking the task force"

Hard for me to understand why peeps are shocked that I would go home and come back with an accent.
In honor of my boys' actions last night...
"Ma got a big ol' ass and no stomach...I got a new chick,
She sent me off in the new six
She said she usually don't do this
"Up in the club, yeah I got that burner on me" Every player knows the favorite words to hear for either gender is "I usually don't do this"

"I told you I had the skreets on lock"
I love the chick at the start of the vid:

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Fire bun fi JPS! How the ra$$ a whole island going to have a blackout?

How you going to be the sole provider of electricity to the island, boast about it pon you rahtid website and then plunge the whole island into a blackout? An all island bloody blackout? You know how damn foolish that sounds? An entire country without power? Are you crazy? (I would love to have been flying over Jamaica just as that happened - I can imagine pilots freaking out.)

Look I know we not rich as a country. I know we still on the come-up, but how we going to progress when we having an all island blackout and most peeps could not even get power back till 4 hours later, some longer?

Unnuu need a kick inna yuh batty! Man like me nuh even own candles (that are not scented, but that is a different story and if you nuh understand why man like me might have scented candles, then I can help you, you probably would not understand why I invite girls over for dinner either, but I digress) cause I do not expect blackouts.

This is what the Gleaner has so far, see how the man dem full of it? When something like this happens, you better tell the public immediately what is going. Y'all who read my blog alot know that I am anti calling for peeps being fired. BUT somebody need to get fired over this mess!

Strangely enough, I tried to access JPS' website to link in this blog (cause you know I like to be fair) and I kid you not THE WEBSITE IS DOWN!

Everybody a yell Cash Plus and Scotia Bank this and that, but the fassy them a JPS better look out cause man still have Christmas food in fridge them time a year!

"Light a candle, sing a Sankey and find your way home!"

A 'Rap-up' of 2007

Props to my boy Shotta Marc for linking me with this video. Skillz does this every year and this year is one of his better 'rap-ups'. Like SM pointed out, I love his reference to Akon and the Trini gyal. Time the world know seh you caan trust dem Trini gyal and you caan trust any of di eastern Caribbean gyal dem at all (especially SVG). Showah!

And for 2008, watch you mouth bout calling women "Nappy headed hos" Imus.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Are the bloody 80s back?

Is it just me or are we going through the 80s again? Bionic woman is on, American Gladiators, Knight Rider, Price is Right are big again! Paula Abdul is on TV again and a big deal (no MC Skat Kat), Regis is still on, American Idol is basically Star Search under a different name. Transformers was a hit, Miami Vice was released as a movie, Mr. T is doing commercials, Scooby Doo is doing commercials. The A-team movie is supposed to be released soon, a He-man movie is being worked on, the same for Voltron, heck there was even a Dukes of Hazzard movie, a TMNT movie and a DIE HARD.

Stallone deserves his own line: He has released both a Rocky movie and a Rambo movie despite being old enough to remember when Traci Lords was Britney Spears "Heroes never die...They just reload."

Did I mention a Bush is president?
All we need is a big spandex craze and we are in a downward spiral.

Oh and hey, a black man is once again an early front runner for the presidency...maybe the 80s really are back!

Thing is, I HATE 80s music, I think it was the worse time musically, EVER! There was a regression after disco and a backlash and peeps latched on to this hokey type of music and still view it with nostalgia, but the music is crap. Sorry 80s fans but it is crap!

Ok maybe not all the music was crap, but it definitely does not deserve the love that it gets. I am sure I have ranted about 80s music b4 but I do not care, I will rant over and over till it dies.

You know what I could stand to see? THE A-TEAM! I just love hearing that damn intro. And with modern explosions that show would be awesome. They would probably change the Jeep into a Hummer but the opening sequence could basically stay the same, change the war to Iraq or Afghanistan and it could work.

The only consistently good 80s music was Reggae/Dancehall (artists like King Yellowman "Zungguzungguguzungguzeng", Sister Nancy and Super Cat etc.) and Latin music (love that Miami Sound Machine, "the rhythm" definitely got me).

If you doubt me on the strength of 80s reggae look at how much 80s reggae has been sampled by non-Jamaicans (many of those bastards have not paid homage or royalties but mi will rail pon dat another time) "Zungazung" alone has been used by BDP, Junior M.A.F.I.A., 2pac, Dead Prez and P.O.D.

And never forget the power of Mr. Uglyman Loverman, SHABBA RANKS!

As much as I rail against 80s music, I really did like the 80s shows, so I am really happy to see the new Knight Rider (bold choice on the car) return to TV, hopefully it is not crap. Oh and there had better be cameos by The Hoff!

Cognac, friends and air mattresses

So tonight is another weird night. I am blogging from my air mattress; a law school friend of mine has my bed and I am lying on my spare mattress blogging and whipping Kami in online scrabble (to be fair she has whipped me so bad in the past that I have to comment while I lead the current game).

Weird thing about friends, when you respect them and promise to keep them safe, you do not even try to push the boundaries, hence air mattress and my comfy bed being enjoyed by another.

It was a good night, this first weekend of the year. Brought a new participant into the downtown Kats mix. The original Persian mafia abandoned the DH and I, but we replaced them strangely enough with a new Persian mafia.

Yes as the title says, I was pretentious enough to be drinking cognac, but I figured I earned that right after starting the night off drinking vodka at a rapid pace because it was a hosted bar for the first hour.

All the best for the New Year y'all and remember, respect yourself, before you respect anybody else...and my air mattress is comfy ;)

Friday, January 04, 2008

Historic win for Obama

He won the Iowa caucus which gives me just the perfect excuse to run my favorite political ad.

"Hey B its me"

I still "got a crush on" the Obama girl!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Britney and tired blogging

So even on a day when I thought I would not blog I hear some Britney news (on ESPN - I just had to point out the source) that just required me to pick up the keyboard. Britney's latest legal team has quit her custody case. Yes I used the term LATEST because this is her THIRD legal team since fall of 2007, that is third as in a method of saying THREE different legal teams have represented her in a custody case since fall and QUIT!

Custody cases are usually fairly simple especially when the female party is the moneyed party yet in this special case, she has managed to lose 3 legal teams. I warned friends early in this, and have mentioned it many a time on the blog..."The fact that K-fed comes out looking like the better parent in any situation is scary!"

I still love that one of the phrases my boy repeated often to end the year was "I know Britney is not what she used to be but I would still do her" [I paraphrased the last part, cause he kept slurring at the end of the sentence, almost like his brain cells were trying to kill themselves for what they were uttering]

By the way, if you are a mother 'fighting' to get your kids back, how do you miss a deposition claiming to be sick and go out partying the same night? Be real, are you only fighting for your kids cause you think it is the right thing to do and not cause you want to do it?

If you read to the end of the article you will see the other case she is involved in that can only cause one to smile and scratch your head some more

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

"These M & Ms are defective, some of them are Ws"

Rather funny line I heard tonight.
So I just discovered 2 shows on E network "Snoop Dogg's Fatherhood" and Keeping up with the Kardashians" (Kw/K) both have led me further along the path of belief that America is going down the toilet and it is being flushed by 'reality' TV.

To be honest, I really enjoyed 'Fatherhood' especially the part with Snoop and David Beckham hanging out together. In the list of places I would not have expected David Beckham to end up Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles was probably in the top 10. Adding Snoop as his companion probably raises it to a top 3. Props to Bex for trying to help Snoop cover when his wife busted him having fried chicken when he was supposed to be having salad. I also loved the fact that Snoop was eating fried chicken at 4am, it reminded me of the times Delz and I used to hit up the Hollyhood Roscoe's after a good night of imbibing (amazing the lines at Roscoe's late at night).

By the way Snoop if you are going to fake "signed Beckham" Jerseys you might not want to have them signed in your handwriting with the price tags still on them.

Kw/K is simply an exercise in statitude, and whoredom, watch it to feel better about your own family structure. I guarantee it is a feel good moment. Your family cannot be as dysfunctional as this group. Bruce Jenner, what happened to you man?

Funny thing is I did not even know I had the E network, I saw an ad for Snoop's show while watching a football game and had my DVR search for it. Interesting channel E, I had forgotten how crazy this channel was/is, it is definitely a channel created for excess and secretly I think I like it.

Happy New Year to ALL!

The Cali J and his family of companies wish you all the best for the upcoming year!

And to those in SD who saw the downtown fire news, yes it was the block next to me, but the Lord is good and I am safe and so is my place. Blessings for the New Year!

Oh and congrats G!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.