Infrequently updated consistently funny

Friday, June 27, 2008

Father Forgive them! R.I.P. Kamau G.

One of my friends and colleagues from High School (Campion) has passed away. I do not know all the details, I do not even know exactly when his death occurred. What I do know is that I have lost another person that made my life better when I was a young one, and made the lives of others richer.

He was always smiling, he was a great chap. From the Pagoda to scrimmage to just shooting the breeze, waiting in the parking lot.

Like many of my friends whom I did not stay in contact with after high school (mainly because I left Jamaica) my image of him is always in Khaki uniforms. I can see it now, shirt slight ruffled because a whole day of school has gone through, everyone jostling each other, yelling out "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" when someone trips. There was nothing but joy back in high school. Even death was fleeting, we lost a friend our last year of school and we just celebrated their life and did not dwell on the pain. But now that I have gotten older, death hits me harder. I realize that, it is actually something I cannot stop, it creeps towards me. As I heard a couple weeks ago "Life is a terminal illness."

Kamau was always in my mind, incredibly strong. He was fast, I mean 'do not bother racing him, he will kick your ass' fast. When someone whom I can only remember as the epitome of fitness and vitality passes in a sudden shocking manner, it is hard to believe because all I can remember them as is living life to its utmost.

My friend Derrick said this as we were exchanging shock about the news:
"In my opinion people need to stop dying.

Don't die Aaron."

I love Derrick, he knows the best things to say. It put a smile on my face and reminded me, to just keep on living, and come what may...don't die!

I'm sure I could with time, sit down and write a better blog, a better memorial, but then it would never be as true as this one is, and never be as raw as this one feels right now. I miss the kid. I hate that my friends have to die. I know that they must, I know that we all must. I know I will. And when my time comes, may I face it with dignity. But for now, I must mourn another friend. I must say a prayer for his family, and I must face the shocking reality that I did not stay as close in touch with him as I should have.

Father, forgive me!

To all my other friends, I pray for you, I pray for your health, I hope we all live to the age where we can look back and talk about "When I was young we used to do this..."

Rest In Peace, Kamau Graham!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Norbrook Massive STAND UP! Rep your hood...and all sorts of slang that sounds funny coming from 'The brook'

Look, I acknowledge that Norbrook is filled with rich socialites and politicians. I acknowledge that much of the power of Jamaica is concentrated in the various Upper Saint Andrew districts. I humbly acknowledge that I was lucky to spend some of my formative years living in Norbrook (thanks to the Father above, and the Father on earth, we have been blessed).

And if there was ever any doubt that Norbrook considered itself upper-crust, and wanted to make sure it stayed that way, one would only have to look to the fact that the party 'Contagious' scheduled for Friday in Norbrook has been canceled: I now quote from this article on RJR's website

"Mayor of Kingston Desmond McKenzie said the decision followed numerous complaints from the police and residents who also filed a petition requesting that no further licences be granted for the staging of these dances and parties in the up-scale residential area."
---Sure anyone cared about the police requests.

"Mayor McKenzie said the KSAC will not be issuing any more licences for the staging of any such events in this area."
--Hahah a whole neighborhood has been purged of parties in one fell swoop...hmm sounds like some pressure was put upon the Mayor. I am sure it has nothing to do with the fact that in that same neighborhood there are peeps that dominate the radio waves (not even talking bout my own pops, he shares his grievances in private), or the fact that 2 former Prime ministers have homes there. Nothing to do with the heads of 3 banks living on the main road. And nothing to do with the fact that almost every house there has a minimum of 2 cars and if only 2 are present one must be a luxury vehicle! Hell, my neighbor is an Ambassador, 3 doors down is a High Commissioner, and 2 blocks down is his mistress!

I hate to say it, and I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with my breeding and where I grew up, (the Golden Triangle, then 'The Brook') but a few years ago I went back home and there was a party in the 'hood and I was shocked to see 'certain persons' walking through the area: Now note, I did not judge these persons, I was actually attending the very same party, but I was shocked because I remember a time when peeps would call the police to chase 'undesirables' out of the neighborhood.

It is honestly funny to me the power and cockiness of the Norbrook neighborhood, a neighborhood that I knew NOTHING about until the moment my parents decided to go house shopping when I was a kid...shows just how little I cared back then (and now, though now u have to say it to believe it) about power and privilege. I had no idea that to own a house in Norbrook was supposed to be a rich thing---even now I still doubt it, but this article makes it harder to swallow.

Imagine a whole suburban area here in America saying "we are too good to have parties here, do it in another area", because believe me, that is exactly what happened.

To close, I remember chuckling once when a neighbor ranted to me about parties and "people who live in apartments" moving into Norbrook: "That shit might be fine in ghettos like Cherry Gardens but this is Norbrook". I almost choked on my Red Stripe to hear this man call Cherry Gardens ghetto. For my San Diego friends, Cherry Gardens would be like La Jolla...nothing to sneeze at!

Yup (soon to be ex-wife), this is what you have to look forward to when we visit

Monday, June 23, 2008

"Kobe tell me how my a@@ tastes" --Shaq and the Cali J loses weight

Looks like the feud has not ended!
But we will get to that in a second. I am worn out 2nite. Hit the gym, and tried to double the size of my chest in one night (it did not happen). I know I have not been giving regular updates on my gym progress but that is because I have set goals for the Sept 24th deadline and while I am on pace for them, I figured no need to give constant updates. Anyway I will just give a basic run down of how it goes.

My goal has been to get down to 185lbs by the 24th (should be a national holiday, but that will prolly happen when I die). I am a couple months ahead of schedule on that goal, not there yet, but closer than I thought. Note I am coming down from 232, when I started the goal, and a high of 236 at one point.

My strength has improved, my speed has improved and my stamina has improved. Sadly those who know me in person, know my knees are shot but even with my 80 year old knees I have improved.

I have suffered a variety of injuries, which is of course to be expected when you set a goal to lose almost 50lbs. I had stress fractures in both feet (horribly painful), I rolled my right ankle so badly that for awhile I thought I had torn a tendon. My chest and arm routine took a hit when I suffered a dislocation of my shoulder (not the first, so something I was able to deal with and did not cause depression). The latest set-back was the infamous late night cracked toe. Nothing like kicking a laptop (accidentally) while barefoot to ensure that you are not running for a month.

I can finally do sit ups without looking around for a sip of water and a break.

I can finally break a 10 minute mile, again for most peeps that is no biggie, but if you had my knees and were coming from where I am coming from you would be ecstatic.

(I should add, when I was fitter, I would routinely do 8 minute miles, even though I jogged every day while in high school, I could never do fast miles, I suspect 8 minute miles will be the goal for next year - oh and look morons out there...before you say something dumb like..."who cannot run an 8 minute mile?" I can run one now, but what good is that? At the end of that 8 minute mile my work out would be OVER! No way am I running a sub-8-minute mile and continuing cardio for the day. So rather than running for speed, I currently run for stamina and fat burning, when I do my marathon at age 35 [mark your calendar Jackie, you are doing it with me] I will then show off my speed)

I can do cardio-Kick boxing without feeling fatigued, yoga no longer tires me, I kill the bike in spinning class, I can finally swim a mile, I no longer wheeze like a smoker going up stairs (never smoked in my life). And I love, absolutely love stepping into some of the back and leg machines at the gyms and selecting their maximum weights.

Now I need to strip the outlying layers of fat and improve the chest work-out and I will have completed all my goals.

Shotta, Assassin and female-me, I hope you guys are keeping your regimens up too!

The Shaq-Kobe feud has always amused me. Some of the things that they fight about amuse me and I love the fact that because those 2 could not get along the Spurs had a much easier route to the finals for years. Look, Shaq+Kobe + harmony would have always been a title threat. The biggest problem for Kobe in this feud is that Shaq is inherently likable and Kobe is not. Kobe just rubs peeps the wrong way. Hell even his nickname (SELF IMPOSED) of the Black Mamba just came off forced and stilted and quite frankly ridiculous. Shaq gives himself a new nickname every year and hell nicknames half the league (Tim Duncan aka the big Fundamental to name one) and they crack peeps up.

Anyway Shaqs latest salvo in the feud is below. Shaq claims it was all in fun and no ill-will was decide.

Don Imus has got to be a moron. (again)

I would have thought that the one thing he would have been very and I mean VERY careful about talking about would be racially sensitive topics.

Note I am not saying he should not discuss race, I am saying he needs to be wary when he broaches the subject that caused him to be fired. Remember he previously called the Rutgers' female basketball team 'nappy headed hos'. It cost him his job, then this morning on his new morning radio show Imus, and his sports announcer had the following exchange which I quote from the AP story that is linked here:

"During an on-air conversation Monday about the arrests of suspended Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam Jones, Imus asked, "What color is he?"

Told by sports announcer Warner Wolf that Jones, who used to be nicknamed Pacman, is "African-American," Imus responded: "There you go. Now we know." "

Imus has quickly defended his remarks, saying they were misunderstood "I meant that he was being picked on because he's black," .

The problem for Imus as I wrote ages ago, is that he has a history of saying the wrong thing, at some point, maybe the only person with a misunderstanding is Imus.

If Imus wanted to make a commentary on Jones being picked on he could have, he could have made a great stand there, in fact I would have applauded him if he had, but his "There you go. Now we know" even if it was a stand was a poor one. In fact it comes off as flippant and not something that I would expect from someone who is commenting on someone being picked on. Rather it seems like he is piling on Jones too.

This story will break more starting tomorrow and later in the week, but for now I am just surprised that Imus could have been so reckless.

Of course Al Sharpton is looking into it, and early word is that sponsors are upset (no shock). I think if you are a sponsor of the Imus show, you pretty much have to be willing to dodge bullets anyway, so this is just part of the package.

As JT the Brick noted on radio tonight, Imus is in a sticky position, if he comes out and apologizes for his remarks it means that he has acknowledged that he did something wrong, and that comes on the heels of the Rutgers mess. If he tries to ride it out, he will lose sponsors, he has to address it, and he has to address it in a better fashion than the 'misunderstood' release.

Transcript from AOL Sports
Wolf: "Defensive back Adam 'Pacman' Jones, recently signed by the Cowboys. Here's a guy suspended all of 2007 following a shooting in a Vegas night club."

Imus: "Well, stuff happens. You're in a night club, for God's sake. What do you think's gonna happen in a night club? People are drinking and doing drugs, there are women there, and people have guns. So, there, go ahead."

Wolf: "He's also been arrested six times since being drafted by Tennessee in 2005."

Imus: "What color is he?"

Wolf: "He's African-American."

Imus: "Well, there you go. Now we know."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

"There is no I in team, aint no we either" = still a classic

I agree with Leon, someone else from the team should have jumped on each of the 4 fumbles, afterall "Leon can't do everything"

Cali J approves

Women are amazing creatures and confidence is sexy vol 2.3434

Intriguing night: 2 of my friends had to deal with crazy moments from their girls. But, note, the guys themselves were no angels. What made the night awkward was the methods used by the young ladies, to get back at the guys.

In the first instance, my friend made the mistake of sleeping with his co-worker, then bringing her out to meet his friend and his current hook up...BAD IDEA! I mean seriously bad idea, by the end of the night, he actually ended up with his ex hook-up, a pile of hurt feelings and a dry...well u can figure it out.

In the second instance my friend got jealous because his 'girl' danced with another guy. But, as she pointed up, they are only 'buddies'. This led to a blow up. Which normally would be interesting to watch except for one major problem. Both sets of girls had earlier flirted with me. I was completely set up, I had no idea any of them were involved with my friends and I also had no idea that flirting would occur.

The more I work out, the better I feel, the more attention I seem to get. Granted tonight is not a good night to gauge by, since I was used to make others jealous, but heck even the fact that I am a prop is amusing to me.

Plus Tuesday night was crazy, I suspect that the Lakers' loss, brought the craziness out in SD ladies; my friend and I were both offered crazy forms of congress. We were cornered on the dance floor by a couple teachers, and we both left the bar accompanying young ladies home (for safety of course).

Props and a shout out to Ms. 3teen, keep doing your part to help the national average ;)

Friday, June 13, 2008

R. Kelly acquitted on ALL charges!

Let me repeat that in a different way to see if this is more believable, R Kelly has been found not-guilty of all charges.

Only thing that could have made this more interesting would have been if O.J. was in the front row when the verdict was read.

Ok all my friends who I talk to in person (I consider my readers friends too, please no crying), know my feelings on this. I think R did it. I am pretty damn sure R did it, I think he should be in jail for 'Hair Braider' but I did have a slight problem with him going up the river on this case. Too much of it was shoddily run.

I mean damn, this is 10 years later, the 'girl' looks old enough to be his mom at this stage, the tape was grainy to begin with (maybe I saw it, maybe I didn't). Hypothetically if I did see it, let us just say at some points that girl looks like a pro and at some points you just feel so sick cause it looks like you are watching a kid. Again that is all hypothetical. I was amazed that the prosecutors at this stage were going to charge him. When the tape first leaked I though immediately he was going to jail. Only one problem, that was so long ago I was not even named the Cali J then.

Who on earth expected Chicago's second favorite black son (Obama has to be #1 right now) to go to jail on a case that even if they had brought it while the girl still looked like a girl would have been hard to win. Add the fact that the 'girl' says that she is not the girl, and the case has more holes in it than swiss cheese (I know, I know, I could not resist that one).

The Chapelle "Pee on you" skit is even funnier now that he got off, the portion where they ask the juror what would be needed to convict him and he says oh screw I will just put the scene, (thanks Yahoo answers and IMDB):

Prosecutor: Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?

Dave Chappelle: Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.

R. Kelly's Grandma: That's my Robert, always peeing on people.
Dave: How come they ain't found who killed Biggie or Tupac but they arrest O.J. Simpson the next day? Nicole Simpson can't rap! I want justice!

I suspect many of the jurors needed the same proof.

"No I'm serious, I really wanna pee on you"

Good to see juries suck worldwide.

An Australian drug trial has had to be called off after 66 days and over a million of tax-payer money spent. Not because the jurors had been intimidated or false evidence given, or perjury or death of the judge or any of the other typical reasons for stopping or postponing a trial. Nope this trial had to be stopped because the judge found out that several of the jurors have been playing puzzles, particularly sudoku throughout the trial.

I love that part of how they figured it out was because they noticed that jurors were writing vertically instead of horizontally!

Commonwealth represent!

Now come on Windies and beat the damn Aussies.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Oldies but goodies, WofTD is back...vol.2943.3 and Pilates SUCKS

Todays word of the Day (which I am sure will be repeated) is hypocritical (tv shows): Definition; I am watching House of Payne where 2 of the guest stars are clearly over-weight, and the first ad that comes up is for the 50 million pounds challenge. For those who do not know, the 50 million pound challenge is an idea that we can all stand to lose weight and that together we can lose 50 million pounds ( I am not sure if it is tailored at the minority community - all the ads feature Blacks).

Turns out House of Payne is sponsored by the 50 million lb challenge, another funny thing is that the last ad in that ad block was Diddy telling me to go to Burger King!

Seriously though, the 2 characters are HUGE, and then you run an ad, telling me to lose weight? This is like playing an episode of anything starring Paris Hilton then running an ad about Acting classes!

Damn my toe hurts, I kicked a laptop all the way across my living room floor (on accident) with just my pinky toe, the resulting yell, might still be echoing around San Diego. I literally yelled till my lungs emptied.

Finally, my mini rant on Pilates:
I tried it today as an accommodation to J Stew, I asked her to give me 7 days at the gym and I would improve her life, she dropped weight in those 7 days and so I figured as a concession I would go to Pilates with her...I regretted it the minute I walked in the room and got stared at by every woman in there, which meant I got stared at by every one in there since there was was not a single man in there apart from the instructor (and damn he stared at me like an aberration).

Look Pilates, is for people who do not have the discipline to do yoga and are too weak to do weight training! And definitely not for men who would rather be lifting...granted I am sure alot of my problem is the fact that so many of the exercises looked like birthing class videos (do not ask how I know about those, just trust my knowledge).

So anyway on my gym class scale, Cardio Kick boxing > Spinning > yoga > elliptical > just sitting on a rowing machine > running on the treadmill staring into the pilates class > pilates

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

An old school moment

As a kid I loved Voltron (really want a movie), and Sprite was my favorite 'American' soda, and we all know I love hip hop.

Birds, meet stone

Monday, June 09, 2008

Floyd Mayweather Jr, Retired from boxing, is he going to UFC?

(Insomnia sucks but it leads to my hearing great sports rumors on the radio)

Props to Karen Kay and Big Ben Maller (even though they claim - if the rumor proves false, that they never said it) for sharing this info.

Rumor has it that fresh off his retirement Floyd (aka money) will sign with UFC on Thursday for 200 million in cash and UFC equity....damn!

This kind of makes sense, the amount that Floyd will instantly make has got to be tempting, and he has already proven himself in boxing so if there was ever a time to try to cross-over it would be now!

Anyway, for those peeps that suck and do not trust the Cali J as their only

Props again to the 3rd shift on Fox, you guys help me to sleep many a night, even if you did Kill my Spurs!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

विल इ एवर सी अ त्रिप्ले क्रोवं? or in english: Will I ever see a triple crown?

Every year ever since I could understand the 'Sport of Kings' I have watched every spring hoping for a triple crown winner. Some years the chances have seemed better than others and every year my hopes are dashed.

This year, I like many others tuned into the Belmont stakes, thinking there was a better chance than most years, after all Big Brown had won both the Kentucky Derby, and the Preakness by a few furlongs. Then I heard the news, the trainer had taken his horse off the steroids he had been giving it for ages. Note the steroid in play is stanozolol -aka Winstrol it is legal to use in horse-racing....yet suddenly the horse was off it? Let us leave off for a second the fact that this trainer has previously been ruled ineligible for rule violations and drug problems, and let us not even question the ethics of using steroids on a horse, one has to wonder, why the sudden decision to no longer use the juice?

The trainer gives each horse in his stable that is in training a shot of the roids every month, yet claimed to have not given Big Brown any since April. Well today it seemed like the horse ran out of juice. As one sports scientist noted, the roids are probably not still in the horse, but they work as 'training drugs' so the horse would have benefited during training. Since the horse was off the drugs, it is reasonable to suspect that maybe its training, finally started to wear down?

Note Stanozol is banned in a few states but of course, luckily not in the ones that are apart of the triple crown!

I am pretty sure the owners are ecstatic that they sold off the breeding rights before the race. It was reported the rights were sold for over $50million...nice!

So anyway, one would think that I would be pretty broken up after not seeing Big Brown win and since there has not been a triple crown winner since Affirmed in 1978 aka Before A.D. i.e. before I existed on this earth. But, there is one problem...I dislike the trainer. He is disrespectful, he does not honor the sport he is in and he is too brash for his own good. The damn man, guaranteed a triple crown win? Really, a feat only done by 11 other horses and these are your words: "foregone conclusion." ..."These horses just cannot run with Big Brown."..."by daylight, easily. I just don't see no dogfight in this race."

Well, good job with your future prognostications!

I suspect I will never ask you your thoughts on the weather.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Just another reason why TEXAS will always be better than those damn Hogs from Arkansas vol 1.3435

In the interest of fairness I should note that the judge is an HONORABLE graduate of THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS. This footnote might have been the best footnote I have ever seen in a legal opinion

“It is worth noting, that the Razorbacks, who disgracefully retreated from the Southwest Conference to the gentler pastures of the Southeastern Conference, could have likely learned a lesson about stamina and perseverance in the face of battle by visiting the Alamo in San Antonio.” --you tell 'em judge!

Click on image to increase size

If the images are not very clear the order is hosted here

Please note that UT has been involved in the game of the Century for both relevant football centuries, we cannot claim the 1800s because no one cared then except the Ivy leagues and they have not been relevant since then.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Usain 'is insane' 'lightning' Bolt

I have to say I love the way the competition was smoked by a kid running in only his 5th 100 meters event.

I wish I was home for the National Trials this year, it is going to be insane.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Whose the fastest? Jamaicans are the fastest!

Mad joy in my world right now: Usain Bolt just set the world record for the 100 meter dash (and with speeds like this it really is a dash). Usain just lowered the mark to 9.72 in a race that he does not even consider his best. So now Asafa has 9.74, Usain has 9.72 and Jamaica has BOTH OF THEM!

Big ups to the man them, and props to Veronica for having di fastest female time this year!

Man I really, really wish, Usain had, had on the Black, Green and Gold when he broke the record, just so the world-wide pictures could bling up with the colours dem!

Read all about it here

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.