Bachelor Recap or welcome to the Friend Zone!

 

It is national Margarita day so the homie and I filled coffee cups with 3 shots of Patron, Pineapple, sorrel, lime juice and 1 shot of blue Curacao and took a social distance walk so anything typed from that moment is the work of my honoring the day.

I have been laughing for a solid week at the ‘hypocrisy’ of my Bach group.

The glee, the joy the ganging up on me because all three of my lovely ladies met the “this rose” is not for you fate in one show – I told y’all earlier in this season that I did not trust the “Katie is so nice” or “look at how mean these women are for ganging up on Sarah” sentiment because I believed then and now (plus had Bach group proof) that it is fun to pile on, gang up and share schadenfreude when someone who is cocky appears to be humbled (AARON IS NEVER HUMBLED). 

The women who ‘attacked’ Sarah did so because the pack mentality is hard to shake especially when you are in ‘competition’ with others and they saw Sarah as a preening threat, they did not know the background with her and nor should they so when they saw a moment of weakness in her veneer and a chance to ingratiate themselves with each other they went for it and they went for it quickly, I do not subscribe evil to them, it was just the malice of the moment that unfolds. So too with my Bach group, I was leading (may still be, that will not be for long but I AM GETTING ON THAT BLOODY PODIUM) and I am cocky, so yup, I gloated, I continue to gloat and I WOULD HAVE WON IT ALL IF IT WAS NOT FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS (aka the younger contestants on the show knocking out my older contestant aka my 24/25 and 27 year OLD ladies they could not keep up against the 22 and 24 year olds…btw are we really sure Serena P is only 22?) 

On to this week. 

Where we try to pretend that these families are going to be okay with their young daughters marrying a man who cares more about his roommate than them. 

Once again we start with an ad for Peloton while I quite literally drink a milkshake. 

One of the podcasts I listen to says "watching Matt is exhausting" because of his constant activity. 

Obvious Man Chris Harrison ("OMCH") tells the women "who is here for you" from their families, I have always found it strange the show does this, wouldn't a surprise bring extra joy or extra drama?
For Serena her mom, her dad and her sister Talia who OMCH says "Talia, your sister" like Serena would have been confused at another Talia being present. 

For Rachael, her mom, her dad, her sister Trinity and the Grand Wizard I may have misheard some of this. 

For Michelle her mom and dad.

For Bri "your best friend Bri" and her mom and her baby sister. 

Michelle gets the first date. 

HOMETOWN ONE: 

Michelle's date plan - 

Michelle is no idiot and knows that Matt loves to workout so her date starts with a bike ride. She then takes him to meet her class - that if we are being honest...she ABANDONED TO BE ON THE SHOW...If you look at when this show was shot, she left the classroom for this show. Her class asks kiddie questions of Matt and he calls them tough, much of this might be because he has spent a season speaking to some dim light bulbs where the biggest question was "can I steal him for a second?" 

I wonder what these kids parents were told.

Time to meet the Parents: 

Michelle's WHITE mom, and BLACK dad are ecstatic...why do I capitalize this, because this show is THAT way! 

Ephraim, Michelle's dad takes her for a chat while telling us "she has had a couple of relationships that were not so good."  Michelle tells her dad that if Matt proposes she would say yes. Matt tells Ephraim that he is willing to move to Minnesota if it is needed. 

With her mom Michelle cries and tells her that she thinks Matt is the one. 

Like I said Matt loves to be active, the family and Matt play a game of basketball. 

Blah, blah, blah Matt and Michelle falling in love. 

HOMETOWN TWO: 

Rachael - Blindfolds Matt after asking if he trusts her and drives him in her roadster to an airstrip so they can jump out of a plane, if you know the backstory with Rachael and you have seen Get Out, you are thinking this plane is a set up. 

The instructor selling them on this jump is not a motivational speaker. 

In a terrible ad for skydiving Rachael's tandem jump does not go well and she and her partner CRASH into the ground! I am not ashamed to say I gleefully watched their 'landing' repeatedly.

.Rachael's crash brings her and Matt closer together. 

Meet the Parents: 

Rachael tells the family they went skydiving and the family seems shocked that she did it so I guess that is not something she normally does in her hometown?

Mom says "I always wanted to do it, you should have taken me with you." 

Mom and Rachael have a chat and Rachael says "I feel really really confident in where we are at." 

For the Matt and Dad chat they do it around a campfire...let's continue all of those themes, who put that cross shaped log on the fire? Racahel's dad is skeptical. 

In his talk with Rachael the dad makes sure to sip his drink while grilling her, Rachael says "it might be a little naive of me" YUUUUUP. 

Rachael is disappointed that Matt did not ask her dad for permission to marry her. 

HOMETOWN THREE:

Bri want's to recreate their first date "when you almost killed me, you remember that?" Bri takes Matt off-roading on a clearly well worn path - to the point that you can see a car clearly just went through the same path the jeep is now taking.

Bri tells Matt that she is "terrified that I will not be able to give you the conventional family" with her dad missing from her life. 

Meet the fam:

Bri's mom Lauren, her friend Bri and her fussy baby sister (which is an actual baby not just a term for a younger sibling). Bri's mom is not pulling punches in the group chat and pulls him to the side to talk. 

Lauren tells us "there are hard questions that we may want to know." "Are you in love with her?" "I am falling for her." "Do you see Bri in your life?" "Absolutely!" It's so weird that I am more than a full high-school and most of college experience older than Bri's mom. 

Bri tells Matt that she is falling for him and he...thanks her. 

HOMETOWN FOUR: 

And Serena P must have had a birthday in between her bachelor bio and the show because her age is listed here as 23. 

Serena "Because I cannot take you to Canada I am going to take Canada to you" and hmm how does her family get to travel with the pandemic? Or do they now all live in the US? 

Serena's big date is to teach/quiz Matt about Canada. 

Matt you are RIGHT a toboggan is a hat and a sled!

Meet the fam: 

Talia the sister is very bubbly, and the parents Rasna and I missed the dad's name seem pretty fun. I am suspicious of Serena's super enthusiastic laughter at simple things (maybe nervousness or drunkenness). 

Matt tells the mom that he likes Serena "well I like to hear that" but "you can be in love with someone but there is a lot more work to do..." The mom asks "do you know how she feels about you?" Matt says "I have an idea" 

Talia and Serena have a chat and Talia says "something is missing" she does not think that Serena is "smitten...I think you are in your head too much." 

To the mom Serena tells her that she feels like something is missing...I would love to know for sure if the convo with the sis or the mom came first, I never trust this show's ordering of events as presented. Serena and Rasna think that manyof the problems here stem from Serena's bad last relationship...should have kept Abigail.

Serena says she is "not there yet" with accepting a possible proposal, she hoped her hometown would get her there but it did not. 

Matt has a sit down with OMCH: 

Matt tells OMCH that he felt like something was off with Serena the night before. OMCH tells him that they need to dive into it before another rose is handed out. 

So hold on, you are able to eliminate 1 out of 4 women at a ceremony and the push is to go and talk to the person you are having a connection problem with? c.f. last week when Serena got the rose and I tried to point out the stupidity of Matt pushing through what was a friend zone relationship and then I gave up "If she was friend zoned before an activity that you enjoyed and now you are both discussing how little she liked it...oh well, seeking logic in this show is idiotic for me. "

Serena tells Matt that she does not "think that you are my person" and Matt just nods his head and then rubs his head for a long time without words then his first words were "Uhmm I don't know...It sucks to hear that...there was something off...It sucks to hear that because I just want the best for you" but I suspect he is catching himself from saying "I could have picked others." Serena says "I have been emotionally torn up about it" while crying with zero tears. Damn it, made me pause the show and immediately put on Sizzla 

Serena smiles when she gets up to walk Matt out. 

ROSE CEREMONY: 

The women assemble and they keep looking for Serena. Michelle whispers "You guys is that it?" Bri "Serena, do you think she is coming?" Rachael "is she coming?" 

Matt tells OMCH that he wishes he had that conversation with Serena weeks ago...FRIEND ZONE BRO! The Friend Zone should just be renamed on this show...

Matt learning from OMCH tells the waiting women "As you all can see Serena will not be joining us." 

Matt tells the remaining women to think long and hard before they accept the rose. 

Michelle gets rose one, Rachael rose two and Bri LEFT HER JOB FOR THIS SHOW, so of course she accepts the third rose. Bri is disheartened "knowing that I got the last rose." 

BLOOPERS  REEL: 

Has Matt falling off his bike after Michelle warns him to not hit her bike with his...if you have watched this show for the last few weeks you will know exactly how he falls after that warning. Matt might be super fit, but rhythmic coordination is an issue.

 

 

Bachelor recap or, we just have to accept that this show is agathokakological

On a season that has us celebrating the first Black Bachelor and the 25 BIPOC women, we see this show still does not know (or is it care?) how to present the struggles of people of color. Matt and Chelsea had a heart to heart about her decision to alter her hairstyle and the internal conflict that brings to women in our culture. Matt’s aired response seemed almost flippant in how casually he addressed it BUT turns out they had a much deeper and longer talk about it but the show chose NOT to air it. In light of the news of Chris Harrison (“OMCH “) stepping aside at the end of the season (for how long we do not know) I submit that the problem for this show is not just its onscreen product though that is a woefully deficient color palette but its biggest problem is that the decision makers do not have people of color with seats at the table.

I do not want to think about the fact that OMCH can probably count the number of POC he counts as friends and still probably cannot name them “you know my guy at the club, the guy who looks like Will Smith’s friend, I think he made Blackish” or the fact that OMCH’s black ‘friends’ probably do not list him as THEIR friends. I do want to think about this show progressing to the point that when I am picking contestants for fantasy leagues I am not factoring “I just need enough points from this brown person to be the token to get close but not to the end.”

This show should not be shying away from showing us moments of culture, playing the “we do not think our audience is ready for this card” means that you will NEVER MAKE YOUR AUDIENCE READY FOR THIS! The Bach franchise is one of the highest rated on TV, a dip in ratings as you make your audience learn about others is not the worst thing and will probably improve your customer base long term and offset the RACISTS (we should not shy away from using that term in describing people who would stop watching a show because of the lead’s skin colour) when more people can now watch a show that reflects their lives.

OMCH’s talking down to Rachel Lindsay on her own show was so bad that it got featured on CNN tonight.

I thought I was done ranting but then I heard about American Idol and Kellyanne Conway/Claudia : WHAT IS WITH ABC’S REALITY SHOW DIVISION’S EAGERNESS TO REHABILITATE THE AWFUL AND TO TREAD LIGHTLY WITH WHITE FRAGILITY? You put Sean Spicer on Dancing With The Stars and now you give Kellyanne the “joyful mom” edit on Idol to what? To make us forget the injustices they tried to gloss over to the public?  

ABC…do better!

Okay actually on to the show. ..

‘Coming up’ leads to the thing that got me into this show TEARS, tears and MORE TEARS!  But yes, I am a bit of a hypocrite here, seeing a tonne of women of colour crying does not delight me like tears on this show normally do.

The show picks up from last week where Heather strides in

and interrupts Pieper’s date with Matt and Matt does not stand up for Pieper –“I am just like the invisible bitch who never existed.”

Matt welcomes Heather, Heather again mentions that Hannah Brown is the reason she is here – I told my crew last week I am fine if we excise all connections to Hannah Brown from this franchise. “When I see Heather, Hannah would be someone that would be qualified to pick the woman that she could see me with.” But why…Hannah the unmarried controversy stirring former contestant…What in her history shows her qualifications?

Heather goes out to meet the women and Jessenia brings some heat! The show does their cruel move of crowding all the women on a couch as they face and question Heather – “You are just Bachelor hopping!” Admit it Pieper has more sting than you guys expected.

Heather claims that she would have rather to have just gone on a date with Matt but this is the way Hannah set her up. Sure.

Pieper demands an apology.

 Kit throws out a “bitch what are you doing?” If you forgot the pack mentality when this group tore in to Sarah we bring it right back.

The show is allowing Rachael to be a bit of a narrator – they had a week to edit this, but they chose this, do not forget that.

OMCH has a heart to heart with Matt standing up, thought they could only do those with chairs facing each other. Matt continues to say Hannah’s stamp of approval means so much to him.

He sits down again with Heather and tells her that with where they are in the process he does not know how it could work (hometowns are in a week). So Matt is going to let Heather go, and Heather says she is “bummed…could not have been here earlier” talk to your producer. As Matt walks Heather out “Taking her ass home” is whispered by a couched woman.

Matt tells Heather “Maybe in an alternate reality…we are having this conversation in San Diego” as he hugs her goodbye and she enters her minivan to drive herself away. Heather’s first clue that she was being clowned should have been the minivan and that she had to drive herself everywhere.

Matt goes and tells the women he had nothing to do with Heather’s arrival and that no one is going on the journey with them that is not on the couch. He wants to continue the conversation with Pieper and the women gush about Matt as he and Pieper leave.

OMCH tells the group time to go "straight to the rose ceremony." 

 ROSE CEREMONY: 

"Already had to send Heather home, I am not messing around anymore" so prior to this it was a joke? 

Matt tells the women life with them looks promising. 

The first rose goes to Bri, then Rachael (I am sure I am reading into it but some of the women do not look kindly on her as she walks up), Serena P, Kit, Jessenia (one for me), and now I am in trouble because I have 2 ladies remaining and there is OMCH telling us "final rose" Abigail survives for my team. SERENA C I WILL MOURN YOU.

He kept the wrong Serena! Going home are Chelsea and Serena C (please cry, please cry). On her way out Rachael says "proud of you" heifer sit down! 

MORNING AFTER: 

Jessenia and Abigail are talking on the couch that's right team, let's strategize. 

"I don't have to tell you what is around the corner this week, hometowns" when it comes to something that does not have to be said but will be said you have OMCH. 

Jessenia tells us there are 8 women left but only 4 hometowns and she and Abigail are the only 2 who have not had one on ones...but instead Serena P gets it and gloats "I assume we all thought it would be Jessenia or Abby today" while reaching out to touch Jessenia's hand TAKE YOUR HAND AWAY! 

DAY DATE:
Serena P (wait a minute my girl is gone, we can drop the P) runs up and jumps into Matt's arms for the straddle hug while he tells us "I've worked my way into the friend zone" oh producers sometimes you work your way back into my cold heart. I really only care about one Serena since this is Aussie open week

The Date will be Tantric Yoga as we get to see how fit both of these people are. 

Serena says "She is basically putting us into sex based yoga positions" and this makes Serena uncomfortable, she thinks the yoga is more for Matt than her. 

In the aftermath Serena tells Matt that it would be a "first and last" for her tantric yoga session she tells Matt that she is not very affectionate, and since we know that Matt already thinks they are friend zoned this feels ominous. "Cheers to never doing tantric yoga again" that is the cheers Serena offers up after Matt told her he enjoyed the session.

Back to the hotel and the remaining girls are nervously waiting on the date card "Pieper, Michelle, Rachael. Bri, Kit, Abigail" which means Jessenia gets the one on one. 

Back to the date and it is the evening portion and the show isn't even pretending about the dinner portion. Serena's hands are sweaty because she is nervous but makes sure Matt knows again that Tantric yoga  is NOT for her. 

Matt is talking to Serena about going forward to seeing her family and I am getting nervous because if Matt picks Serena that damages my chances of both my ladies (if any) going forward. I am unsure of what on this date would have taken Serena out of the friend zone. If she was friend zoned before an activity that you enjoyed and now you are both discussing how little she liked it...oh well, seeking logic in this show is idiotic for me.  Serena's job title is 'Publicist' I guess she is able to read a room because she for sure was not selling me on her connection to Matt but she locked down that rose.

Daytime aka the Peloton ad and some suspect shorts on Matt. 

GROUP DATE: 

Matt and the women are on the couch of destiny and he tells them they should let it all out tonight. 

Abigail continues to worry...

Bri goes first and in her time alone with Matt says "bare with me here there are things I have been wanting to talk to you and tell you about...I had to resign from my position to be here...I thought it was worth it."

Uhmm you know I try to live spoiler free but I had heard Bri's job was actually big time, please girl tell me you were planning to quit anyway and you did not really just do it for this show. Matt thanks Bri for quitting her dream job with light phrases and kisses. 

Abigail continues to worry..."I am the only girl to not get a one on one date"

 Pieper to Matt "It has been really hard for me because I am falling in love with you." 

Abigail continues to worry..."I got the first impression rose"

Michelle to Matt "I am 100% committed to you" 

Abigail continues to worry..."I would love to introduce Matt to my family" 

Finally Abigail gets to sit down with Matt, and I am worried that Matt is not connecting with her and she asks the nerve inducing words "I can see the possibility with you I just want to know can you see that possibility with me?...I guess I want to know now instead of..." Matt says "it was a no-brainer that I give you the first impression rose...I was so comfortable in our relationship that I explored other relationships...and being honest with you my heart is pulling me in another direction...you deserve someone that is going to put you first." And CRASH there goes another of my ladies! 

Abigail was correct to worry...

Back to back seasons of the first impression rose receiver not getting much love from the lead. 

Abigail "I make men realize what they want next, but they never want that with me." Keep your head up girl, Matt is not the one you should waste regret on.

Matt tells the remaining women on the couch of destiny that he is not going to lead anyone on then
"Rachael can I speak with you?"

"Do you think your mom if she is here next week, she is going to grill me?" Ask her if they would crucify you? I wouldn't drink any tea that they offer though son.

Rachael says her parents would respect her wishes. Matt "Where I am with you is that when I am not with you I am thinking about you" loud make-out. Again knowing the background with Rachael every love-sesh feels that much more gauche.  

Kit during her turn says "I have just been stressing, this is a very intense process for me." She tells Matt "there are things I have set for my life trajectory that I am not going to compromise on." She admits that she is "a long term investment" she does not want to get married immediately or to have kids "until 25 or 26" I applaud her honesty, but I cannot shake that she is 21, to her 25/26 probably seems "old."

Not surprisingly Rachael gets the date rose. "I have something planned for the rest of the evening and Rachael and I are gonna head out of here, I will see the rest of y'all at the rose ceremony." By now the other girls have got to be seeing the writing on the wall. 

Aloe Blacc    WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? An artist I recognize??

Rachael gets serenaded by a black man while she dances with her fantasy, she must be thinking "this would be awesome back on the plantation."

Kit goes and knocks on Matt's room door and says "I have to speak to you before the rest of your night." Kit looks extra young as she tries to have a serious talk with Matt she tells Matt that hometowns are serious and she is not the one who wants Matt to "get down on one knee tomorrow" so she has to leave "I am unwavering in this...it is the right thing for both of us" so she is going to self-exit. Greedily I wanted this from Abigail, I wanted Abigail to go out in a blaze of glory. 

 JESSENIA 1x1:

She is nervous at first since she knows the numbers, but then talks herself into it.

The date card said "Our love will take a turn" and she is dropped off in an empty parking lot and immediately I know what is coming another date where adrenaline is the main course and talking is the side dish. The date is about learning how to drift, as Matt pretends that he and the professional drifter are friends. Matt is not the best at drifting, which is on brand for him, so the car suffers some damage. 

Back at the house the women are saying they have not seen a connection between Matt and Jessenia...back to the date and Jessenia is carrying the conversation and Matt is just smiling and nodding his head. Jessenia tells him that she is falling in love with him and he says "thank you for sharing that" and I am about to lose all my women in a one hour spate! 

Matt reaches for the rose and Jessenia is beaming and I cannot stomach this cruelty

..."but with engagement being the end result of this journey" and Jessenia is having the light fade from her eyes. We get a woman for the ceremonial suitcase removal and I am trying to think if I have ever seen that before. 

ROSE CEREMONY:
3 women are missing roses and only 2 roses are available. 

 First rose to Bri (she gave up her job for this, she better coast some more) and here comes OMCH so we know, final rose goes to Michelle, I keep wondering "If Michelle had come in night one would she be the clear front runner by now?" Then I remember she is black and I still have a hard time believing that a black woman would win. Matt has steadily fallen in the public's esteem, he has not in mine, he is what I thought he was was, so I am good with it. 

Pieper says "I put my weakness and and my happiness on the table for nothing, for a waste of time." Pieper dissolves into tears in the car. 

3 out of the 4 remaining women are black...why do I not feel confident in Matt picking a black woman? 

 BLOOPERS:
Turns out Michelle is legit funny and this show has hidden it from us - she jokingly knocks out some pushups "to look good for the camera" before her toast and does them while holding her rose in her mouth. Bri then accidentally spits some champagne on Michelle's back while laughing.

Bachelor Recap or how I met my friends from the past year once again on TV

 

This weekend a lot of Bach spoiler info broke so I had to avoid so many sources of spoilers.

I do not get the urge people have to be a spoiler source, if you want to read spoilers go for it, but why the urge to then spoil it for others? I think peeps like that are missing a good source of confidence boosting in their lives…but then again I watch the Bachelor so maybe I am not the best at emotional intelligence (shout out to Taylor).

I am just arm chair quarterbacking their psychological makeup and my degrees are in Zoology and Law...

Matt is super fit but super rhythmically challenged and so I just cannot shake this image of him looking at himself in the mirror to practice his moves (Editor's note we swear Cali J wrote this before seeing the bloopers) 

Cold open with Chris pretending to remember who Heather Martin is without prompting.

On to the proper start and the women are all piled on the couches of destiny while they wait for the MJ vs Jessenia 2 on 1 with Mat:.

We get Matt pulling up in the red Porsche while Mj and Jessenia argue on couches across from each other, Matt then sits on the third couch that is positioned in between the 2 because this is how things are resolved in the franchise.

 Jessenia gets the first “can I talk to you for a bit?”While Jessenia is telling Matt what she thinks MJ is we see MJ crying and calling her a “little bitch”

 MJ’s ITM does her image no favors; she goes from saying she is there for Matt to “Hold on I need to fluff my hair, I forgot who I am for a second – [hand clap] I had a weak bitch moment but I’m back!” To be clear, MJ does not need to fluff that hair, she might need to do other things to it but fluffing it is not the missing thing.

With Matt MJ goes the crying route and says she “preaches for harmony and peace” Matt says the rumors he has heard are not what he sees around her…look bro you clearly do not want the answer, if you did you would not just ask Jessenia you would ask multiple women. There are so many warning signs here for Matt but…

 Matt returns to sit between the icy women and decide their fate -

MJ” I can’t give you this rose…can I walk you out?” Jessenia can barely conceal her smirk. In the car we get a much more subdued MJ “I just cannot believe this happened…my heart hurts…I don’t know how she did this…she sabotaged me…this sucks, but Jessenia was petty.”

 

As Serena C’s ITM has her telling us “I just cannot wait to see his fine ass walk through the door” so we cut to OMCH and Serena immediately puts her hand to her face…OMCH tells the group that Matt does not want to have a cocktail party “I know that’s upsetting” OBVIOUSLY IT IS!

 

Serena C points out that the topic of bullying and toxicity was pushed by Katie and that every time there is drama Katie is involved…she is not wrong. I know America loves Katie (eh) but at some point we might have to think she might be an enzyme – to be clear this is NOT to excuse any of the other women, I am for sure looking at Kit who has skated so far.

 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Matt tells us that he is extremely confident in the process (quick reminder less than 10% of Bachelor leads are married).

First rose to Serena P (WRONG SERENA BRO), [Ryan cries all the way through rose ceremony ITMs], Michelle, Pieper, Bri, [Now time for Katie’s crying ITM], Chelsea, Katie, and immediately I sense Ryan is in trouble but feeling good for my fantasy team,  FINAL ROSE TO SERENA C.

Allow me a moment to boast, I am currently THE ONLY TEAM IN MY FANTASY LEAGUE THAT REATAINS ALL OF THEIR PLAYERS PARTY Break out the champagne

…look the race is not for the swift but I am feeling good…I remember when I was in the bottom of the league but I felt just as confident then as I do now.

 

Magi  is going home (do not worry girl you are too good for this), someone else hugs Matt good bye was it the beauty queen who came on late? Ryan breaks down because she has to leave, like a snot filled breakdown.

 

The next day:

Here is OMCH telling the girls “you were not expecting the cocktail party to be cancelled” no way? First date card, and Kit reads it “Pieper, tonight will be worth the wait.”

Serena C (SC) tells us that Katie keeps affecting her time with Matt so she decides to go and confront Katie about it "I am super frustrated by time being taken away by your antics…I do not think you are here for Matt." Katie thought SC would be coming in to apologize, calls SC "pathetic…insecure" and tells her "take it up with Matt." SC calls Katie an "arsonist" and a screaming match ensues. Katie in her ITM is not the sweet girl so many thought she was "I cannot reason with crazy" Katie storms off

and SC goes to talk to the other girls who could overhear the screaming. Katie then walks in on the SC chat with the other women and starts to argue with SC again. Katie keeps telling SC to bring it up to Matt, SC would be silly to do that, "it's a trap."

 Let's now cut to the front gate with Heather,  when she is told the facility is closed to the public she then tries to talk to OMCH.

Chris goes to the gate to talk to Heather. Heather tells OMCH that she is here because Hannah Brown told her Matt would be perfect for her. OMCH tells her to go back to her motel so that they can see what they can do…shouldn't you immediately quarantine her under your control? Are we just pulling the 'rapid test and go' move for all of these guests?  

ONE ON ONE:

Matt switches to the luxury SUV and takes Pieper on a date into the woods…

I want to point out this is 2 ostensibly brown people heading into the dark so Pieper is super nervous but Matt has her flick a switch and a carnival lights up.  

Snap to the house and a group date card arrives and everyone but Katie gets their name called so Katie will get the one-on-one, I am getting the vibe that this might not be a good thing for Katie.

Before going back to the date we get a check in with Heather that looks like a bubbly 'Proof of life' video "I have officially made it to Nemacolin…I am quarantining" she cleared her first Covid test and hopes in a couple days she can meet Matt…so definitely not a 10-14 day safety bubble.

 

Back to the date:

Pieper thinks her fear of confronting her feelings comes from her upbringing "we don't really say love, we don't communicate love it is all through actions." Guess actions do not speak louder than words? Matt assures Pieper he is there for her and she can open up to him – she gets the rose.

Temecula Road is the performing band that you have never heard of on tonight's episode

…Temecula is just up the road from my crib (a super country mile) and so I am hoping this group is named after it so I can pretend there is a connection. This show really loves its country acts.  

Back to Heather's Day 2 in quarantine and she balances a pizza box on her head "if that is not impressive I don't know what is." Sigh.

 GROUP DATE:

 Matt and the ladies go bowling. The group is overall as terrible at bowling as you would expect.

OMCH comes in to break up the fun and pit teams against each other - winning team gets to stay with Matt, losing team "gets the long walk in the rain." I take it back maybe the women are all hustlers because suddenly when it matters there appear to be a few strikes…I paused for a work call and noticed Serena C. and Abigail (both on my team) appear to have forgotten how to button shirts SC is rocking TWO CHAINS

and a shirt so far unbuttoned you can see where her bra connects.

The blue team loses while the pink team of Serena P, Chelsea, Jessenia and Michelle win. As Matt says to the blue team that they have to go Kit says "This is a joke we are going? What do you want in a wife, a bowler?" Matt breaking the mystique says he does not get to make all the decisions.

 The women of the blue team return to the house and they are upset and angry.

The pink team's evening date:

And a date rose is still on the line even though there are only 4 out of 9 women now on the date, but OMCH walks in to the main group and hands a date card to Rachael "all those tears for nothing" they get a date request from Matt to come and join him on the date. Chelsea and Serena P are reveling in the numbers "…from 1 in 9 to a 1 in 4 chance, more time…" and because this show is all about timing the losing team gets to walk in right at that moment.

 Serena P in her time with Matt "I am falling for you I just thought I would let you know" Matt kisses in response, with his eyes open.

Chelsea lets Matt know that she has been patiently waiting but she might "still have some walls up" and he should not give up on her, their make out session is a sneak one on a staircase.

Yet again I do not see a solo session with Matt and Abigail or Matt and SC but I keep the faith.

Matt gives props to Serena P and Chelsea when presenting the date rose but gives it to Michelle and Chelsea is pissed. I then rewind because my Bach group is giggling about Matt wearing Jeggings earlier in the date and well long time readers know I do NOT rewind as a general rule but this break of procedure was worth it…I am guessing Matt bought them off clearance and could not return them when he found out he accidentally shopped in petites?

 Back to Heather pretending that she is Rapunzel during her quarantine time…these girls are going to eat her alive.

 Before Matt's one on one with Katie we get him meeting up with Tyler C "One of my best friends" to play pool and chit chat "Katie is the one who had the cactus-sized vibrator when she got out of the limo." Tyler tells Matt to "stay open" to the chance of a woman coming out of nowhere. Matt "I have seen this process work for Tyler" UHMM WHAT? He didn't leave with the Bachelorette; she did not choose him, when she had a second chance she also did NOT CHOOSE HIM, do you mean it worked because he became famous and got to date a supermodel?

 ONE ON ONE:

Katie meets Matt and he tells her that they are going to prank Tyler with a fake masseuse who they will be feeding instructions to via an ear piece.

You start to feel like a Bach producer just recently saw 'Impractical jokers.' Tyler strips down to his underwear and checks himself out, they have the masseuse (actress) play with Tyler's nipples, and generally give him a terrible massage, Matt then swaps out with the masseuse to give Tyler a rub down…should I point out that Matt seemed more interested in having fun with Tyler than in having fun with Katie?

 Evening portion:

"Matt is not here to play games" literally hours after playing games. Katie during the reflection period says she realized that the thing she was missing in her past relationships was "someone who is playful." Matt picks up the rose and Katie starts smiling "I think back to our first night…and how much you set the tone for the women in the house both for this experience and for me" (How true but not in the way Katie probably wants it to be) (Katie is smiling more) "But you have been honest with me " (no smiles, eyes blink rapidly)"…and I cannot give you this rose tonight" (eyes dip and never come back up)…holding the rose to dismiss someone is cruel. Now, remember above when I said Matt was having more fun with Tyler? Katie and Matt's interaction often came off like a casual friend - someone you kick it with for pranks but not someone you go home with…the other women are in hands over mouths shock as the ceremonial removal of the suitcase occurs to signal that Katie is going home. 

 Don't forget Katie had big "I am safe here" energy thinking that she could 'snitch' and the other girls would take the fall.

 Another cut to Heather and is this heifer in a wedding dress/cocktail dress?

 COCKTAIL PARTY:

Kit not realizing that you cannot speak things into existence "luckily we will have more time with him tonight"

Abigail gets the first pull, and they seem close but I think his eyes were open on the kiss (and the show needs a better barber I missed many of the convos because I sent this to my crew " Yo these shows do NOT take care of our people. How is homie the lead on a prime time show and they got his hair looking this jacked up?!?!?" with a photo of Matt’s hair. Many of the responses were hilarious but I cannot share them.)

 

 Heather walks in...

well eventually she walks in..and the girls in the room are staring as they try to figure out who she is and/or why she is there. She then walks in to disturb Pieper's one on one and Pieper looks like she could stab her with her rose,

Matt asks for time with Heather and as soon as Pieper gets outside to the other women she is in full strides while screaming "What the [expletive deleted]?

Pieper tells the other girls that Matt was cracking up laughing when he saw Heather and the girls are not happy that Heather is friends with Matt.

You know I do not watch spoilers so I do not know how the reaction for next week will be show sure seemed to have an extended preview of it.

 BLOOPERS:

Serena P tells Matt "I heard you do karate" 

just like Magi watching Matt's dancing, the Karate is just as awkward.