Infrequently updated consistently funny

Sunday, August 31, 2008

John McCain brings out the cynic in me...and maybe Gustav

Look I want to think that politicians can act completely altruistically, but I do not believe it of either party. For the last couple months if not longer the big issue heading into the Republican campaign was "What to do about President Bush and VP Chaney?" As incumbents they HAD to speak at the convention, but as 'people with some of the lowest approval ratings ever' they were practically pariahs.

The issue that the party had was: 'How to have the top men in power speak, but yet not appear to speak for the party?'

Well, Gustav has solved all of that. Now thanks to Gussy, the prez and VP will not be going to the convention, and Repubs do not have to worry about them as the face of the party in highlight reels.

Additionally, Mcdiddy has curtailed the first few days of the convention...Here is where the cynic in me comes out, is this a ploy? This gives him some press, removes the idea of Repubs responding slowly, possibly gives a chance to atone for Katrina and allows for the opportunity to massage the press into carrying the convention in a more favorable light.

I mean seriously, Bush and Cheney were supposed to speak on Monday night, and now *POOF*
"McCain said in an interview with NBC that it was possible he would make his acceptance speech not from the convention podium but via satellite from the Gulf Coast region."
--If that truly happens that will be one of the cheesiest and saddest spectacles I have ever seen. Look I would hope he cares about the victims but to make an acceptance speech from a possible disaster area would harken back to a certain Prez making grandiose speeches from 'Ground zero'. Do not use tragedy to curry votes, please, please, pretty please?

Here is another cynical thought, send Palin...after all not many of us expect you to survive the rigors of the office if you did become president, she could use the experience.

Irony; the Hollywood edition for Aug 08

Any regular reader of the Cali J, knows that he loves Irony. Well opening up my yahoo inbox I was hit with this headline:
Duchovny: Sex Addict Onscreen and Off
Will 'Californication' Star Have to Give Up Role as Part of Sex Addict Recovery?

Now I have to say, that is bloody funny. The dude plays a sex addict and is himself a sex addict. The other thing that struck me was 'wow there is no privacy anywhere anymore.' I really like Tia Leoni and it sucks that now everyone has to know that her husband, needs it, craves it, wants it...all the time.

Hey, remember when that was just considered, 'being a guy'... maybe a 'horny guy'?

I confess I am rather curious as to what that rehab entails...are you shown a pix of a Victoria Secret model and then immediately followed up with a rap of a ruler on a sensitive area then a picture of Mother Theresa?

Another thing I find confusing, is the fact that the statement was released by David through his lawyer, I wonder if that was done to avoid needless speculation once word got around that he was in rehab?

I miss the days when stars were mysterious and the only thing I knew about them was that they were famous. Oh well, fame has its cost!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Usain Bolt parody

See how much he can do in just 9.69 seconds...never doubt the sheer greatness of the Island Man!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

R.I.P. Gene Upshaw and the IOC president tongue lashes Bolt

I did not always agree with you, but you did much for the game that I love to watch for about 22 weekends of the year.

IOC president Jacques Rogge, do not mek mi tell yuh bout yuh rass!

Look, the guy is 22, if you have a problem with how he is celebrating, talk to him in private, no need to censor him in public. I did not see you calling out the Russian pole vaulter who was doing back flips, I did not hear you say anything when the US swimming team started screaming at the French. I read nothing about you going after the Chinese team doing laps in the stuff it!

"If a Fassy hole nuh like wi suck yuh mumma
cau no missa body bad man nuh fraida
mi tell any missa man fi guh suck out him gal
cau bad man nuh itch fi guh blow petrol " --Cham

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Usain Bolt, Shelly-Ann Frazer, doing it clean, ask other countries why they can no longer win!

"That girl, that girl Shelly-Ann" I love the sheer joy that she showed after winning the 100m, I could not stop chuckling. I love the exuberance of our winners, now the haters are coming out of the woodwork saying they lack class because of the celebrations - STUFF IT! I remember Carl Lewis sticking his hand in the air every time he passed his competitors and thought he had the win!

Rahtid I love the braces just gleaming in all the pictures and love how happy both Fraser and Bolt were in their interviews.

(Nuh linger)

Ok so let us talk serious talk fi a minute cause is bout time wi address the fact that my country is finally getting its props in sprinting. Is ages now we thought we had some of the best sprinters and yet mysteriously the big countries with the extra cash and resources were always pulling things out.

As a commenter on espn wrote "every year at the penn relays our high school runners trash the americans yet when they get to the professional level these same american runners that were constantly being beaten at college and high level suddenly become unbeatable. why?:

We know why, but I refuse to just blame America because there were also runners from Europe that would suddenly develop muscle and start winning at the Olympics and World Champs but would lose to Jamaicans consistently in the regular grand prix events...cycling off?

My sentiments are shared by many as noted by another commenter on espn: "
JDH07504 (15 minutes ago)
Report Violation

The first clean Olympics since the Cold War and now JAMAICA has finally been given a chance to shine. In their first Olympics in 1948 Jamaica a tiny British Colony won The gold and silver in the men's 400m.

In 1952 The Country again won gold and silver in the men's 400m AND Won the mile relay in a new world record beating the United States. What drug programme did this little "backward" colony have in 1948? How did they manage to conquer the world in 1948 and beat the Great United States and their British Colonial Masters? They did it again in 1952"

The history of cheating by certain industrial nations is long and clear and contains amusing stories like; a certain female champ that could not make the 1984 finals, retired, took a job in banking, came back to track, suddenly set records like crazy and then died young under unusual circumstances while gaining incredible muscle over a short time.

I quote from an article: "Olympic legend Carl Lewis is among more than 100 American athletes involved in a cover-up of drug use, documents reveal"

You could do research (and by research I mean 2 seconds on google) and see how many top athletes have been busted but for now I will just use the words of a commenter from espn responding with outrage to an American commenter suggesting that for Jamaicans to now be winning they must be doping:

"GATLIN, MARION JONES, MICHELLE COLLINS, JEROME YOUNG, PETTIGREW, TORRI EDWARDS, The twins who ran 400m alvin and calvin harrison, kelly white, dennis mitchell and many more. all PROVEN CHEATS. plus CARL LEWIS tested positive 3 times but it was covered up by ustfa."

That is a who's who of American names, hell Edwards just ran in the 200 (you might not know for sure since she ended up completely out of the photo finish pix) and many a Jamaican is still bitter about Marion Jones' robbing Ottey of GOLD!

The only guy who popped positive in our Trials grew up in America and lives in America and had no shot of posting a good time in the Olympics anyway...kind of points to why he might be on the juice. Note also the Jamaican federation took no chances with him and made him stay home!

And I am damn tired of this move: When a Jamaican running for Canada, Britain or America wins they are listed as the American champ, if they pop positive for anything they suddenly become "JAMAICAN BORN sprinter"...if you own them as champs own them as cheats, because we certainly do not shy away from our people!

Look I am not saying that other countries cannot win without steroids...I am just saying...JAMAICA TO DI WURL!

Happy Birthday

Kami and Kamau!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Spanish racism rears its ugly head again!

Ok in the grand scheme of things, the pictures of the Spanish team 'slanting' their eyes is not the worst thing! Problem is, when you realize that it is the Spanish team, it seems so much worse. This is the same country that chants 'Monkey' at black football player, that rains Racial abuse on Lewis Hamilton every time he drives there, and the same damn country whose former national coach used a racist remark about Thierry Henry as "MOTIVATION" to one of his players!

Forgive me if I cannot see the light side of things when this country has made a sport of racism!

The pix are here for you to make your own decisions but I suspect that while not all the team is racist, they all showed such extraordinary bad judgment that they should be ashamed of themselves...instead they are going around defending their actions.

A little dark humour to reflect my mood!

The CIA was once recruiting new candidates for special missions. The final 3 Candidates were a Jamaican an American and a Canadian. To weed out who would be best for risky special ops the CIA called them in one by one the Canadian came in first: "Congrats you have made it to the final stage, the only thing left for you to become an agent is to take this gun go inside and kill the 2 people in the waiting room." The Canadian looked at the gun and said, "Oh no I cannot do that, dontcha know that is wrong. Goodbye eh" He then walked out.

The American was called in next and given the instructions, he looked at the gun looked at the CIA rep and shook his head saying "Man y'all are crazy no way can I do that."

The Jamaican was called in next, he looked at the gun reluctantly after receiving the message slowly picked it up and walked out. There was silence for ages then some shouting, some yelling a commotion sounded, the reps from the CIA rushed out to the waiting room. There they found the Jamaican with a torn shirt breathing heavily and a vexed look upon his face and the Canadian and American dead at his feet.

He looked up at the CIA reps and in a disappointed voice said "Dread, the gun unuu gave mi never have nuh bullets so mi haffi beat them over the head with it and fling some chair till the boy them stop when do I start the job?"

Not the greatest joke, bit macabre but such is the way I feel after reading that 125 persons were killed in July and that is actually a DECREASE in the murder rate for back home!

Sand A, says I should put the murder rate in context so let me try: San Diego County and Jamaica have a similar population size. It is considered a gruesome year in SD if there are 40 murders for the whole year. If Jamaica had a month of only 40 murders we would probably have to have a national holiday!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Happy Birthday


R.I.P. Bernie Mac, R.I.P. Isaac Hayes

Bernard Jeffrey McCullough (October 5, 1957 – August 9, 2008)

Man I will miss Bernie Mac, he was one funny "mother (shut yo mouth)"
The man was an artist with the use of the word motherfu@$er, he used it like a samurai used a blade, and to prove my point, watch the video.

And if you disagree, I will "bust yo head to the white meat"

Isaac Lee Hayes, Jr. (August 20, 1942 – August 10, 2008)
Peeps prolly just think of him as the theme song to Shaft and the voice of Chef, but really he meant so much more to soul music.

And if you disagree, "Suck on my chocolate salty balls" and take the "SHAFT...damn right"

If I were Samuel L. Jackson, and a suspicious man, I would be careful, very careful for the next 3 days if you believe 'death comes in threes' to explain let me add this from Hayes' wiki page:

"During the spring of 2008, Hayes shot scenes for a comedy about soul musicians inspired by the history of Stax Records entitled Soul Men, in which he will appear as himself in a supporting role. Soul Men stars Samuel L. Jackson and Bernie Mac, who coincidentally would die the day before Hayes in August 2008. [23] The film is scheduled for release in November 2008"

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Brett Favre traded to the Jets

So says Fox Sports Radio...

Now time to see if Aaron Rodgers can actually play a full season for Green Bay, I suspect alot of disappointment will be felt in GB this year

Paris Hilton actually had a pretty funny political ad

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

I find it hard to believe, but, I liked it...

Monday, August 04, 2008

Banned Calvin Klein, Eva Mendes Ad

At about the 16 second mark you see why the ad is banned in America.
This almost seems like Calvin Klein set this up hoping for the hype around the ban, because there is no way they could have expected this ad to clear US censors!

Seems to me, Eva Mendes spends more time getting naked for magazines and ads than acting anymore...

As usual, you have to ask the question: "Does a nipple a breast make?"

Sunday, August 03, 2008

"Braves Win! Braves Win!" longer: R.I.P. Skip Caray

The longtime voice of the Atlanta Braves (my favorite baseball team) and the person that helped me learn to understand and love baseball, has died. Skip Caray (son to Harry) died today. While he had been ill for the past few years, I do not think peeps expected him to die so suddenly.

If you watched baseball on TBS, growing up, his voice is extremely familiar to you, and if you were/are a Braves fan, hearing this "Braves Win! Braves Win!" coming from Skip was always awesome.

TBS sadly no longer broadcasts Braves' games on a regular basis which I find extremely sad since millions of kids will not be indoctrinated to the joy that is the team of the ATL and join the cult of 'America's team'. I will miss hearing Skip's voice, he made Baseball extremely fun for me and made it come alive to a young boy who would stay up all hours of the night to listen to West Indies cricket on the radio.

I would watch baseball till 9.30 or so, sometimes later if my parents would let me, then I would go of to my room and secretly stay up half the night listening to the Windies beat up on some poor team silly enough to play us in Test cricket...those were the days...the Braves dominated the NL east, and the Windies could not lose...I miss Viv Richards as captain.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Pre-season coaches poll has dropped

Georgia is #1, USC 2, OSU #3 (damn sooners) OU is 4th TEXAS LONGHORNS are #10.

Since the hype is there for OU I have to admit there are few things I like more than whipping OU when they are ranked above us. (Beating them has not happened much in the last 10 years, but it will come).

I had to include this vid, a poster on B.O.N. who posted it asked this question: "Is it too late to return Oklahoma to the Native Americans?" After watching this video I think the NA's might not want it back:

I love B.O.N. I know I know, you should never get your news from a source you completely agree with, but I cannot help it. To quote B.O.N. as a pre-empt to this Aggie jab (cause I still hate them, even if they are pretty much irrelevant now) "(One more) reason why friends don't let friends go to Texas A&M.":

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About Me

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.