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Thursday, May 29, 2014

Bachelorette, season 10 episode 2 a stripped down review!

We are watching a day late because VEGAS baby, and E and Armani have trapped me once again into doing this via a Bachelorette viewing party. The promo starts with another clip of Eric (the guy who died) and it gets creepy.

A guy flashes on screen for mere seconds and E yells “that Dude is so gay…” told ya. Andi arrives to pick up Eric and Armani brings up a good point “Why are they all shirtless?” Andi and Eric go to the beach, and Andi parks in the red - so blatant that she doesn’t have to plan anything...would be awesome if she got towed.

And the Bachelorette’s helicopter budget kicks in, Up, up and away! In keeping with the adventurer's love of everything outdoorsy and exhilarating, Andi organised for the couple to be picked up from the beach by a helicopterAndi lets us know that this is her first time on a helicopter “and on a first date no less”, way to show us that you didn't plan this. They land on a snow capped mountain, (Bear Mountain) and the snow is fake (hate to let you non-Cali peeps in on this, but it was a horrible year for snow) and so hard, Andi could barely pick it up to do the obligatory snow ball fight. 'Seriously, can we find something he's not good at!' While the assistant district attorney struggled to get to grips with the basics of snowboarding, her beau was a natural and confidently showed her the ropes, which impressed her greatly

They are given a lesson on the “ultimate boarder type dude” (Louie Vito - snowboarder Olympian and Dancing with the Star's contestant [ABC synergy]) then hot chocolate on the slopes. They then go to a cabin and we in the living room discuss doing Bachelorette bingo. We also decided that we could not take shots on certain phrase ('Right reasons', 'amazing' etc...for me it is now 'Stop' and 'Y'all') Andi calls Eric a Renaissance man proving the phrase is over-used and she doesn't know what the phrase actually means. Eric tells Andi of his trip to Syria, I know it is a heart tugging story, but all I can think is - this is a guy that put himself and others in danger for the thrill of travelling the many ways it is selfish and foolish.

I miss much of this date because we are all discussing his death, and I look it up (Paragliding in Utah).

Group date time -
It is something peeps are hesitant to talk about but the Bachelorette always objectifies men pretty quickly, they always, always have to get shirtless, this is terrible, when will we stop slut-shaming our men??? (some of that is tongue in cheek, but it is pretty blatant, we would never see the Bachelor tell the group of girls to strip...then again let's see what happens when the ratings dip).

So the guys are going to work at a male Revue, they are split into groups, Firefighters, Army men, Cowboys etc…one of the geniuses asks of the actual firefighter in the group…”Are these real?” while holding a clearly fake fireman’s helmet.

We get to watch the guys practice their moves...they are not good. Craig is more interested in how the other guys look than in how he himself is performing. We see Chris Harrison smacking a guys ass. Bachelorette strip gif The Bachelorette: (Exotic) Dancing for Charity

Apparently the club allows in sub-21 girls *I saw the huge X on her hand!

Sharleen (Oprah singer) and Kelly (dog lover?) from last season were allegedly back to help Andi judge the guys dancing...I thought Sharleen was supposedly working in Europe when the Bachelor was filmed - guess that is done

Craig the accountant appears sauced early in the evening portion of the group date...foreshadowing. 'Do they know they're here to date... and not get loaded and party?' Poor old Craig got a little intoxicated following the group date, and while it was at first amusing to the other guys, he soon took things too far when he jumped into the pool fully-clothed, which upset and angered Andi

The former 'pro-athlete' tries to hint strongly that his career was better than it was, and of course Andi admits to having dated a few pro athletes. While we cut to the accountant getting more and more drunk.

The next solo date card arrives and the guy claims “Andi is the greatest girl in the world” yup the girl you have spent zero time with.
The opera singer is singing - that is going to get old fast. Armani “that guy is not getting the rose”

Andi allows Craig to ask any question he wants and he asks “what is your worst thing about your parents...How is that? Boom”Cringe-worthy moment: The brunette attempted to be cordial with the tax accountant, though his probing questions were more than a little awkward Every season there is someone who gets blitzed and makes an ass of himself, last year it was the Brazilian girl, this year it is Craig...who no one rational could hire at this point right? The Bachelorette Craig gets drunk

Andi really looks amazing in that dress, I could see why guys act dumb around her, though that may be unfair here, alot of these guys are probably already dumb.
 Another one on One
The farmer gets the one on one date and they go to Santa Anita race tracks and the farmer shows up in a casual shirt and shorts so we get a makeover - this show is really running out of ideas. He looks very uncomfortable in a suit. The Bachelorette Andi and Chris at the racesThey really are recycling the old tropes, the couple meets an older couple that have been together for ever (obvious plants). Armani, “They probably are not even married, they are just actors”. ‘

The right reasons phrase has been used a tonne tonight...the farmer brings up that he was previously engaged - why? Who does that on a real first date? E brings up the lack of chemistry between the 2 while Andi in her confessionals keeps talking about how great they are together.

The tradition continues, no one in our group knows who the musical group is ‘This Wild life’ but Andi and the farmer kiss. The Bachelorette - Recap and Review - Season 10 Episode 2

It is getting close to rose ceremony time and Marquel is wearing a tie that is so bad I almost want him booted off the show. Andi walks in with a really low cut dress and quite a few guys blatantly stare straight at her boobs. One guy was so blatant I am not sure if he knows if Andi was bald tonight or not. Despite the massive cleavage plunge, it really is a terrible dress, is it bedazzled?bachelorette-fashion-andi-dorfman

The awkward quick hits begin, all the guys vying for the time to pull Andi to the side and to quickly tell her their life story...DON’T CAREEEEEEE!!!
Marquel adds to the wildness of his outfit by debuting some socks that he is blatantly showing off by keeping his pants leg high.

A guy breaks out sock puppets, another breaks plates with Andi, Armani (on fire tonight) “Those are total white guy moves, no black guy is doing sock puppets and breaking plates”. Then again prior to last week I probably would have said no black guy would lead with a cookie party.

Andi kisses guy number 2 and the show amps the sound on the kiss.
'This kiss feels like the beginning of something': The 29-year-old scored the second kiss of the season, which he said afterwards he would 'never forget for as long as I live'
Craig breaks out a guitar and surprises us all by actually being funny with the song.
'That's a mistake I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life': Not even a cheesy serenade could save Craig following his drunken antics, with Andi saying farewell to the 29-year-old to the surprise of no-one
Rose Ceremony time
Decisions, decisions: Andi appeared pained as she made the tough choice as to who to send home
Chris Hanson does the move of pretending that these moments are serious...hard to believe that we are only 2 episodes in and I take so much joy out of these guys' discomfort. The 1.5 black guys get roses early proving me right that no way were they going this soon in the season.
The show is really playing up the fake drama of the guys waiting for their roses. Down to the final rose and the Opera guy gets it...displeasing E greatly “He is such a tool”. Unfortunately we are losing Craig.
The golfer gets the boot, and looks close to tears. Craig realizes that getting trashed was not the best plan.

Apparently other peeps have noticed that Andi says "stop" alot

In the previews we see Andi kissing a tonne of guys.

The outtake shows the golfer being really funny in his stripper robot outfit

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Bachelorette is back and she is an attorney (former attorney?) (pretend attorney?) oh well she is Andi

So the Bachelorette is back tonight and Armani and I headed to E’s to watch it...I have become that thing I fear a person having a Bachelorette party. We are drinking wine, eating chips and consuming Brownie Brittle what has happened to me? We discuss the fact that the ads/write ups for this season are not promising. The show starts on a somber note, a dedication to the guy who died shortly after filming. Then we get B reel that was similar to last year’s with Andi in a real courtroom with a fake setting. We all notice that there is a witness allegedly testifying TO AN EMPTY court, as in not only are there no people in the courtroom to follow proceedings, there is NO opposing counsel...could they not have afforded one more extra?

We see Andi quitting her job, she does not expressly say this, but she is clearly quitting since she is cleaning out her office. Andi does her bachelor photo shoot with fake law books in the background. Armani brings up a great point “Who has law books anymore…” and I respond with “Or at least that many”.

Andi’s sis is there to help her prep for the first nightHat Shopping and she asks “How many guys are you going to kiss?” E yells “all of them” Why do you need a pep talk to go into the first night? At this point shouldn’t you have figured this out, at least before quitting the job and before flying cross country. She and her sister spend a lot of time picking out a gold dress and agreeing on it as the one, it looks great – this is NOT the dress she wears.

The guys start arriving
E does a terrible thing - She pauses it and asks “How many black guys?” I hedge and say “I want an over/under of 1.5” Armani takes “1”.

A guy gets out and E and I both yell “A farmer!??!”

JJ steps out and his listed job is “Pantsapreneur” Gumby
Armani was the one to spot it, his words “hey can you rewind for a second I want to see what this idiot's job is”...he was right to request it.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

A black guy steps out and E yells ONE, I then say “Crap I am very worried, this is too soon for the first one” my over/under is not looking good.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

The personal trainer meat head has the douchey hair cut, pushes the limo and has his collar popped on a suit...I kid you not. In fact, if you look at the gif when he finishes pushing the limo, he re pops the collar to make sure.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

An attorney steps out and poses “may I approach the bachelorette?” then tries attorney humor and I hang my head in shame. Armani “If it is one thing I promise, that guy is not gonna get picked”
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

A guy steps out of the limo with a football and I immediately think he is playing on the JP was a douche to Andi let me prove I am better thing and I turn out to be right.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

“Anal with an M” is how a guy describes his name - E thinks he looks like a dad (she has daddy issues).
 Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

And then Armani and I both let out a groan that is reminiscent of watching Lebron kill the Spurs in game 7...a black guy walks out and E starts yelling “I WIN, I WIN” I refuse to yield that quickly, I am pretty sure this guy is half and thus my 1.5 will endure.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

The guy the show is dedicated to finally steps out and E yells “DEAD”  thus I refuse to get emotionally invested in him.
Ranking All 25 Limo Introductions From "The Bachelorette" Season Premiere

Sooooo we think quite a few of these guys might be gay. With this show becoming more and more of a launching pad to club promoting and other reality programming (probably always was but I recently started watching (sigh it has already been a couple years - I hate myself)) I would not be surprised if gay men came on for a moment of fame with no care for the bachelorette. 

A guy leads with “My mom absolutely loves you”...Andi notes that he is my type but there is a reason why I am single and still here so maybe my type is going to change, and then they immediately cut to Andi with one of the black guys (Marquel). E immediately points out the contrast and maybe, just maybe this is the change! He takes her to a cookie tasting (weird but she seems to like it).Cookies 1

So Eric is on screen talking about his global odyssey and that it will take 2 more years...and we sigh in the living room because “Sorry homie, you are never going to make it”

A former cast member (Chris B) appears on the show and we see him talking to security, ROSE
he is apparently trying to get on the show...they have to check in with Chris Hanson (apparently he runs the show, not the producers). He brought flowers for Andi but the security guard says he is going to take them to his wife (do it sir, do it - until the show airs your wife will not know that they are unofficial Bachelorette Roses).

Chris Hanson tells Andi, that Chris B. is here to see her, but he is clearly mocking Chris B as he tells Andi about him. Andi chooses not to add him to the cast. But Chris B keeps telling Chris H that he cannot leave without seeing her, he claims to have been there for 7 days waiting hoping to see her. E points out that they are playing super sad music. He initially claimed he would stay there till they allowed him to see her, that plan failed.

Andi talks to the farmer and pretends she knows and cares about farming, but all she describes is camping.

Nick V gets the first impression rose and he doesn’t know what he did to get it which jives with the 3 of us in the living room, because none of us know either.

The rose ceremony begins and E wonders out loud if Chris B is going to sneak in again with his own rose pinned to his jacket.

Both black guys get roses (well 1.5) and the non-black people in the living room start making a tonne of funny comments...I am too defeated to give them ‘Angry black guy’ stare - Mainly because I am laughing.

The douchey personal trainer gets a rose and we all groan. It seems all the long haired guys are getting cut (sorry couldn’t resist the pun). Thankfully the attorney is cut, I do not need people seeing him on this show and thinking that is all of us.

The previews for the upcoming episodes show Andi kissing alot of guys (guess her sis knew).
We also see scenes of Andi giving monologues and of male-tears - melodrama

 Gifs from
and (people much more technically gifted than I am). 

Thursday, May 08, 2014

A Cowherd rant causes me to rant - thanks Ben

My friend Ben and I ridicule the fact that I occasionally listen to Colin Cowherd. The problem is, I hate dead periods of no sound, I am clearly addicted to sonic assaults and need stimulus when doing menial tasks like showering etc., so I listen to a lot of sports talk radio. Usually in the mornings I listen to Dan Patrick but sometimes 9more and more infrequently) during the commercial breaks on that show I switch to ESPN radio. Which leads to this rant: 

 I wonder if Cowherd is espousing his idiotic rants all show or do I just happen to catch them; I lit on his show for a minute or 2 and heard this (may not be verbatim but the gist is close) "When I give talks at colleges (if my college had him talk I would be ashamed) I ask the guys in the audience 'who here has girlfriends?' those are the guys I say will be able to work in radio, they are closers. It is the same with Johnny Football, he always has a hot girl with him, you know he is a closer, he talks to any girl" - so forget for a second that he is a QB at a football mad school, just remember he is a QB!!!! Then remember that he is rich, and in college at a football mad institution. Remove the football but keep his same build and we have a young man in college who is athletically built and rich, remove the rich and we have a young man in college that is athletically built, I guess I do not know what Cowherd's college lifestyle was like but I know in my college years, being fit got you a tonne of girls, rich, poor or middleclass. 

Let us not forget Johnny Manziel became so popular at that sorry institution for higher learning (I feel the need to do that Journalist trick of outlining my bias by noting that I went to UT) that they allowed him to take all online courses so that he would not be a distraction to fellow students. If the guy so popular that he has to take online classes cannot get a hot girl it would be an indictment on him as a man, not as a football player.  And so what if he is a closer with the ladies, does that extend to his ability on the football field? Recent history has shown that a tonne of average to middling players have clearly been closers with the ladies and it has NOT helped their on field production. See for instance Mr. Travis Henry he of the allegedly 11 kids by 10 women as of right now...or if you want a different sport try Jason Caffey who up to last year was at the count of 10 children by 8 women. 

Before any racists decide to jump in here and start to spout that it is only the black guys with a tonne of children outside of marriage (while ignoring that the leagues are predominantly black) I give you Scott Skiles 6 kids, 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.