Infrequently updated consistently funny

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise or lets make sure she looks bad doing this challenge.

The show starts with Daniel trying to count his six pack and having to restart...I kid you not.
More making out by Josh and Amanda.
Dan is telling Sarah how much he is into her and she is responding casually.

Then Christian walks in, he asks the guys for advice on who he should be talking to. Josh tells him that he wont get far if he asks Amanda out (Nick "Josh is calling dibs on Amanda") and Dan states his intentions re Sarah. Christian chooses to ignore Dan's warning and asks Sarah out.

As Evan is telling Vinny that his date and kiss with Carly was perfect ("explosions") she is telling the girls that the kiss was terrible and made her nauseous, "he concentrates on male boners, not lady boners." Carly is sad that she has to break it off with him but feels she has to tell him so she pulls him aside. Carly tells Evan that she is not romantically interested in him and he goes off to cry.

Evan and Christian are on a date with a lot of physicality, Zip lining and rappelling down a mini cliff...try to remember that she has only one arm - guess the boat was not available for this date.

Brandon shows up, yup he is another "who is that guy?" he even has to introduce himself to Chris. Carly is having stars in her eyes about him. Brandon takes Haley (twin) to talk, Carly says she isn't worried because Haley is boring, she gets her time to talk to Brandon and Brandon still picks the twin...this crushes Carly, maybe do not be so mean.

Back to Sarah and Christian and they are now climbing a rope bridge and zip lining some more.

They return to the house and Daniel puts the full court press on Sarah and opens up 'his sweet side' this leaves Sarah torn.

Brandon and Haley go on their date and the twins have made a plan to try and switch in between the date to test Brandon. "Brandon is confident that he can tell us apart" They swap and Brandon does not notice even after telling (now) Emily that it was an immediate attraction. In his ITM's he is telling the producers that he is into Haley...

Cut to Evan writing notes to himself to psych himself up to go and try and take Amanda from Josh, he sets up a little date spot and goes off to find Amanda, whose lips are glued to Josh...and we get the To be continued.

Bachelor in Paradise or Josh vs Nick episode however many...

We start with the cast giving Sara a slow clap for getting Chad to leave which is ironic...(is it just me?)

Chad: "F#$k you Chris Harrison. On a scale from one to F off, F$%k off" Chad in the bus home says "now I can never be the bachelor...what am I going to do?" Chad is turning into the Rick James (from Chapelle Show) of this franchise "I don't need this show/what am I going to do next?" "I shouldn't have drank that first night" followed by pouring a stiff drink, scarfs some meat "I need my meat taste" "Damn it do you know how many people I gotta kill?"

Leah arrives and a twin says "it's that lying bitch" Leah tells us that "Lace and I have become friends" cut to Lace "Here comes Leah, this is awkward, her and I don't like each other."  Leah has a date card and requests Chad, to awkward silence. They say "Chad is gone" "Okay, should I go and find him?" hahah poor girl.

The girls are talking about Leah behind her back and then pull Nick aside to flirt just before Leah takes him away for a date.
Leah says the date was great. Nick then gets his own date card hours late and Leah assumes he is going to take her, but instead he asks Amanda.
As Amanda is getting ready Leah comes in and starts to compare herself to Amanda and starts saying "Stop trying to be me Amanda" after saying they have all of the same makeup.

Amanda says "like, this is like, the best first date like I have ever been on" I know I critique the use of "like" alot and I think it was definitely her season I noticed it on the most "like it is like, every like word."

Carly is telling us that she would like Evan to be more aggressive and manly because for now she is making all of the moves, and she wants to know what kissing him is like. They finally kiss and Evan is romanticizing it and Carly on the other hand is calling it a terrible kiss, she doesn't understand how he has 2 kids with kissing skills like that.

Lace has quickly moved on from the Chad Bear to making out with Grant. Lace is telling us that she is going to make Grant want to give her the rose, then covers a bedroom camera; the the words "You have to get on top" then the words 'zipper sounds' then sex sounds, then the show cuts to crabs on top of each other then Lace's moaning then Lace "saying can you imagine if they show" just as she realizes the camera she thought was covered isn't and she points directly at it with shock.

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail party:

2 girls are going home so the girls are scrambling to get face time with the guys. Sarah pulls Vinny aside to try to smooth talk him and they make out, this time is interrupted by Izzy who smooth talks Vinny and...they make out.

Leah finds out from Nick that he is leaning towards Amanda, so she goes off to find Dan. And they are making the onion layers analogy, Dan says "so you are going to make me cry" she responds, "No I am the onion so you wouldn't cry, I would cry" this causes her to pause and look like her brain is trying to reboot, Dan then says "so you are like an Orange just one layer" he is probably closer to the truth.

Roses are being given out and because Vinny gives his rose to Izzy it is down to Sarah, Leah and Jubes with Daniel picking, he says "Sarah, these guys saved the best for last" thus Jubes and Leah have to leave. Jubes is disappointed that she picked Jared when she now realizes that he is someone that would go for the identical twins. Leah just starts cursing and crying in her car ride home "I just feel like a fool, again...I'm so sick of crying, I just want to be happy."

It's a new day and Josh Andi's former fiancee shows up. The girls all start staring at him with thirst.

He uses his date card to take Amanda out on a date, and the show puts them on a might recall that Nick and Josh competed for Andi...seems like the show wants to stir the drama a bit. Josh says that Andi's 'Tell all book' about him is a fictional story. Nick says that some of the parts in the book about him are true so he suspects the parts about Josh are also true. Josh and Amanda make out, on their romantic boat trip - shocking.

Carly "Evan does give me erectile dysfunction, it is so sad" she also says that her brothers told her to stop dating effeminate guys...nice to see that Carly is still as mean spirited as ever, it works for this show. Of course the show gives Evan a date card and so he asks Carly on a date she hesitates then says yes. The date ends up with a a surprise OMCH and a bunch of random spectators are there they have to consume a habanero each and this kiss for a minimum 90 seconds to break the Guiness World record for 'Longest Hottest kiss'

Carly "Why do I always get the fu$%ed up date?" they set the record and then Carly says she needs to go throw up, she makes sure to tell us "Just for the record I threw up not just from the kiss" she is so mean!

Emily one of the twins tells us that she has big boobs is pretty and this is not her first rodeo so she gives us a voice over telling us the tricks of the trade to get a kiss, it was funny to watch it play out even if she had to force the issue.

Amanda and Josh come back from their date and Josh is rubbing it in his face that he has now gotten Amanda...Jared showing more spunk than I ever thought "Josh is taking the title of Mr. Steal your girl." The group is nothing that it is Josh vs Nick part 2.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise returns and someone poops their pants

I am breaking out the Bachelor in Paradise Saturday morning watch while I work.

This is the barest of synopsis type recap
We start with the returning cast, Nick is actually looking good this season, I can now see why ladies seem to love him, kid dedicated himself to the gym (probably doesn't have a real job to distract him) and it shows.
Daniel is still as funny as ever, even compares himself to Herpes.
Nice to see Jubes back but the twins are still doing their forced twin talk thing.
As Evan shows up Jubes initially refers to him as the penis guy, both her and Amanda say that he looks better in person, I figured he had to.

Daniel tells us that he is a wolf and the current girls are just washed up street dogs.
Izzy shows up, if you said "Who?" don't worry so did the cast. She and Daniel start chatting and their convo goes to Evan and penises and shockingly it gets awkward.

Lace is back and immediately telling us that she is not crazy...

Jubes continues to wait for her secret hope guy it turns out to be Jared and Jubes starts to giggle like a school girl oh Jubes, he is very pretty but gurrrl you can do better.

The show hypes the arrival of the Chad Bear with menacing music and sound effects. "Daniel and Chad are definitely the first couple to hit it off in paradise." Dan tells Chad that he has higher standards than Chad.

Evan pretends to be the crocodile hunter examining Chad's bag for protein while the show cuts to Chad saying "where is my protein?" while shaking a wicker closet that is disguising a mini fridge. He finally gets into the fridge and starts going savage on some cold cuts.

Jubes gets the first date card "Choose the man you want to hit it off with" she is afraid Jared might say no to her date invitation..

Lace is already fighting with Grant in her "get drunk and ramble" way.

She then goes over to Chad and says she wants to see the soft side of Chad, which he says is boring. The group wonders if that dynamic could be explosive Vinny "Mexico is known for their hurricanes...we have tropical storm Chad and we have tropical Storm Lace...and then boom."

Chad and Lace are "kiss fighting, they are fighting with their faces" I think that was the Haley twin.
They are in the hot tub defiling it and at one point Daniel is giving it a running commentary while standing on the edge. Lace and Chad exit the hot tub but for a strong portion of the make out and exit her bikini bottom has to be blurred. Chad in his confessionals admits that Lace is the dominant force.

We cut to Jubes and Jared on their date and Jubes is gushing about him and then the Lord of the Rings, as they are talking a clown surprises them and Jubes loses her mind screaming I cannot blame her.

Izzy tells us that she is vibing with Vinny but he wont kiss her so she goes in for it herself.

Lace and Chad have gone from play fighting to actually fighting Carly calls them "the shortest couple in History" the rest of the cast is observing the train wreck with fascination. Lace says "he is mean, I am disappointed in him."

Dan is telling Chad that peeps are scared of him and Nick admits that Dan might be smarter than they all previously  thought and is right about his labels of Chad, that would be 'Hitler and Mussolini.'
Chad speaking of Sarah says "f@%k that one arm bitch" to which Dan says "enough is enough." Going into Paradise America seemed to love Chad, and in fairness we probably enabled him by letting him think that his arrogance on the Bachelorette should be rewarded. He says to Dan "let's get murdered, lets get murdered are being so 'unmurdery' you are unmurdered." Dan tries to help him and Chad starts to swing at him Dan lets us know "I will punch a friend if I have to, I have done it before and I will do it again" shortly after telling Chad "I will take you down, I will take you down to Chinatown."

Chad passes out by the pool and starts snoring so aggressively that I wonder if the show piped in sound.

The next morning Chad wakes up "where the ___ is my underwear...why am I naked?"  Vinny says that apparently Chad pooped his pants during the night. He goes to rejoin the group in the morning acting as if nothing happened. He says "the only person that should be offended is Army McArmison." There is a house meeting with Obvious Man Chris Harrison OMCH asking what happened and telling Chad that he might be in trouble he asks "Is this the time to glib" and Chad responds "This is not the time to be glib, I don't know what that means." OMCH says Chad told the staff at the hotel "that they could all suck a dick." OMCH "I am sorry, I am going to have to ask you to leave" Chad's face right after those words is priceless "wow are you serious? Are YOU SERIOUS?" He then accuses Lace of engineering the exit.

Chad tries to appeal but to no avail, he smashes his sunglasses on the way out and starts to curse at the many crabs around the resort. "You sit in your robe and drink mimosas from a hundred miles away and you are going to try to make me look like a douche." Hey guess Chad thinks the same about OMCH as we all do.

Bachelorertte Finale or, Ignore everything your family says.

My DVR rejected this show, it claims that there were too many conflicting shows on at the same time but…only one other show was recorded at the same time and the DVR can record 4 shows at once…I think it chose to avoid 3 hours of this show. Weirdly even catching up with it on the ABC app was difficult, the app restarted 2xs and kept freezing, maybe my tech is trying to save me from myself?
Jojo (J) tells us that when she is with each guy she is thinking about the other. 

Jordan meets the family first and brings them all hats, J’s mom calls him very likeable but she is worried that he is a playboy. Jordan calls J his best friend? Word son, this fast – I bet your real best friend is at home like “Asshole.” The mom asks him to tell her that he will never break J’s heart, he promises her. Mom, is worried that J and Jordan (screw it I miss calling him Aaron Rodgers’ Little Bro so here we go again ARLB) are too much alike.
ARLB now has to talk to the dad, he gives well-rehearsed answers: he prepped for it like a competition, as he should. J has told ARLB that he must get her dad’s permission for her hand in marriage…he does not ask, even though J is confident that he did. 

Robbie’s turn on the lukewarm seat:
Immediately he is asked what he sees about J that he likes, I really wanted him to respond “boobs” instead he gives a gentlemanly answer. The mom calls him gentle and soft “a gentlemanly demeanor.” J’s brothers tell her they see no red flags with Robbie. The mom tells Robbie she does not want to see her daughter have a broken heart anymore. She wants to know that Robbie is willing to commit and to propose! 

Robbie unlike ARLB does ask for permission (oh you poor deluded fool, you do not stand a chance) and receives it. Now that I have finally paid attention and noticed that J’s dad’s name is Joe I see that J’s name is the feminization of her dad’s name, just took me two seasons to spot it.
J tells us that Robbie is perfect and everything her family wants for her, “but I don’t know” that is the answer of a girl who just cannot say out loud “I just want to keep banging ARLB.”  

The family is doing a post-game analysis and it is clear that the family prefers Robbie. The mom and dad outright tell J she should pick Robbie, her brother tells her that Robbie is committed to her. They let J know that Robbie asked for her hand in marriage. Then she is shocked to find out that ARLB did not ask for her hand in marriage, to the point that she gets mad at her mom. She is clearly finding ways to protect ARLB and her brother calls her out for it. J starts crying because she is the only one in her family that wants ARLB and everyone else in the family is clearly Team Robbie. 

First One on One:
Is with Robbie, even the show is setting him up, no matter what he does, ARLB gets to go after and steal his thunder. Robbie describes to her what he thinks their life will be, Food cooking in oven, kids in background, them nestling on the couch, dog by their side, then the food burning because they are on the couch lost in convo so they have to drink their sauvignon blanc with take out pizza and the kids being happier because they didn’t want the meatloaf anyway…I kid you not the kid mapped this all out on the show – methinks he came prepared.
In the evening portion he sets up candles for them to snuggle to and he tells J that he is ready to spend his life with her. J appears to regret that she cannot spend the night with him. 

One on One with ARLB:
Further proof that the show has picked its favorite, Robbie got a beach day with J, ARLB? Well he gets a date on a boat and a private cove with kayaks….sure those dates are equal! ARLB even says “when was the last time we were on a boat, was it our first date?” J calls ARLB out for not asking her Dad for her hand in marriage he spins it as, ‘He was not comfortable asking them for her hand in marriage when he knew they still had to meet Robbie.’ If that sounds dumb to you, know that it worked with J. ARLB continues and tells her he is not sure he will get down on one knee in a few days to ask her to marry him, and J tells us that she is torn. 

So for a quick recap one guy tells her he is ready and fully committed, the other tells her he is not sure and she is pulling for the guy who tells her he is not sure, and do not forget, her family does not trust the guy who is unsure. This ladies is why some guys treat you so badly, not because all men are dogs, but because some men think stupid moments like this on TV translate to how all people should be treated…it is not. 

Evening portion:
J wants ARLB to clarify his views on marrying her. He now tells her that he told everyone in her family that he wanted to marry her. J says she is devastated that ARLB did not ask her dad for her hand in marriage, she says she always wanted that moment, way too old fashioned girl. “I know that you want to be with me and I know that you do not want to lose me” J to ARLB she is finding every excuse for this kid! 

Neil Lane and his face:
Show up for the seasonal presentation of the rings. Robbie looks like he is going to cry when he has the ring presented to him to pretend that he was selecting it. ARLB calls J’s parents to obtain their blessing from afar (as if we didn’t know this was coming), the mom takes over the convo and gives the blessing…I think they have resigned themselves to her choice even before her choice is made.
J’s voice over is telling us that she has made up her mind then we see her picking up letters from both of the guys, this is new and feels like it was designed to give ARLB the chance to tell her that he asked her parents for permission, smooth move producers. 

Time to cut the fat:
Robbie arrives with a beaming smile, oh son, don’t walk to that beach! J tells him that he “looks so good.” Robbie starts to give her the spiel, I am in love, my family loves you, love from fairy tales, makes me weak in the knees, I will love and care for you forever, I have not noticed that the sun is still blazing high in the sky so I am clearly here too early to be the one who has been chosen. J at least stops him from getting down on one knee “because I cannot take that moment from you.” “I woke up this morning wanting it to be you” look it is fine to pick someone else, if you do not love someone you should not be forced to pretend, but at least just cut them without letting them know that the other guy is so much better that you had to try to force yourself to like them. “You do not get how badly I wanted it to be you.” – then why is it not him? While crying, Robbie takes it pretty well, he says he wants what is best for her, and wishes her “good luck, don’t settle.”
J says Robbie deserved to know that she loved him and that her heart is broken because he deserved to know it. Robbie is acting so smooth I think he is angling for the position of the bachelor, more power to him, try to cash those cheques! 

And now the anti-climax:
ARLB tells us that J changed him, and she is the one he wants to spend his life with. Blah, blah I love you, you love me, and great lighting, the sun is setting and ARLB is down on one knee. Again Robbie you I am sure internally had to tell yourself that they were for once letting the winner come in early but the producer in me knows that no way do they give away the bonus of the setting sun framing a ‘loving couple.’ Guess time to call him Jordan again “Jordan will you accept this rose?” He of course accepts it.

Sunday, August 07, 2016

Bachelorette The Men tell all or "let's all get Chad!"

The show starts by showing us that Chad gets his own trailer. The eternally available Douche Nick is in the audience with the rest of the cast from Bachelor in Paradise. Now we begin the usual parade of listing the guys from the show and having you go "he was on it?" All the guys are introduced in a group except for 'The Chad'

A few of the guys call out Alex for going after Derek as soon as Chad left. Evan again accuses Chad of taking roids. Time for Chad to enter and he comes in doing the same bad whistling he did on the episode when he exited, we also have him trailed by a fake security guard that even Evan could beat up.

We get the recap of Chad throughout the show and it is one of the rare recaps I will watch. Chad reiterates that he wanted to punch someone while then saying he didn't want to punch anyone - reminded me of the 'Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug' skit from Chappelle Show. Chad is claiming that he has dated Grant and Robbie's ex-girlfriends since leaving the show. Nick takes his jacket off and starts to walk towards Chad and OMCH as if he wants to fight Chad; you might remember Nick as the guy who wore a Santa outfit all first episode.
Chad tells us that ARB is on the show just to be famous and that Robbie has threatened his ex-girlfriend.

Chad says if we watch the tape of the group date we will see that Evan shoved him first, Evan claims that he was trying to shake Chad's hand - on slow mo it does look like Evan did push him.

Luke is up next and I happily skip his recap: His time on the 'hot seat' was as boring as his time on the show, he seems like a fine young man, but that does not lead to drama.

Chase's turn on the mild seat: again we see that without Chad much of this season was boring. Chad's interaction with Jojo immediately devolves into him insulting both of her final 2 choices. Jojo says all the "guys treated me with such respect, outside of Chad."

Vinny the Barber's mom is in the audience asks Jojo questions directly, she looks and sounds exactly like what you would think his mom would sound like.

Bachelorette recap or "Wait you can do that in a Fantasy suite?"

We resume where we left off, the rose ceremony is progressing and ARB (Aaron Rodgers' Bro) gets Rose 1, then Robbie Rose 2 then OMCH shows up to tell us one rose remains and Rose 3 goes to Chase. Luke looks stunned. Jojo (J) walks him out and Luke says "this is not supposed to be happening" J is bawling. Luke says he had no clue that he was not saying enough. I sip some more of the Red Stripe my mom brought up from Jamaica and think 'this is the only thing good about this experience.'

J is crying so much you would think she is the one that was let go.

The Show goes off to Thailand and J quickly gets over Luke.

Robbie gets the first date:

And it is storming, so they go and get "Thai massages in Thailand." Robbie is telling J that he has been honest with her from day one. He uses his own words as proof - she knows he is honest because he told her he loves her - say what?

Going into the dinner portion J tells us that she is wary of Robbie. She brings up the fact that Ben told her he loved her last time, a lot. Robbie gives J a note that his dad wrote him basically a 'keep the faith' note as a sign that he is in it for her. This makes no sense, (even though J gushes about it) your dad writes you a personal note, you give it to the girl and that proves that you are honest? Shouldn't she be hanging out with the note writer then, if the note shows truth?
Robbie accepts the fantasy suite even before reading it (they force him to read it out loud anyway). Cut to the morning after and it is breakfast in bed time. They are both in Pajamas/lounging clothes, how did that get into the fantasy suite? Are we not adult enough to see 'walks of shame?'

ARB is up now:
J tells us that she has planned a hike for them, I bet if you asked her anything about the hike the producer would have to mouth the words to her. They claim that the hike is very strenuous but, the peeps hiking behind them seem fairly chill. The hike leads to a temple (this show has desecrated more temples than World War 2) J has to put on a shirt with sleeves and they have to follow the rules of no kissing in the temple. They claim that it is very hard to sit there and not kiss.

The evening portion and they continue talking a lot about J's family coming to Thailand, note that is the next stage not the current stage, this is basically J planning ahead for them, nothing obvious here at all. J is worried about ARB's stability he keeps saying "right now" he can be anywhere she needs him to be - He then says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and she responds with "that is what Ben said." That gets old fast!
ARB does the pretense of thinking about the fantasy suite but he of course accepts it. J tells us that she loves ARB she just is not ready to tell him.
Breakfast in bed time and again PJs

Chase completes the run of dates:
He pulls up on a scooter looking less than confident. J calls chase extra playful as they horse around in a fish market. I confess, I zoned out through much of this date portion it was boring. BUT, while we show Chase musing on the beach Robbie shows up at J's hotel room. After making out with him J then points out that she is currently on a date. Chase buddy, pack your bags.

To the evening portion; and Chase shoots himself in the foot telling J that he is scared but he still gets the fantasy suite because it is J. BUT, because it is J, Chase keeps talking and talking while in the fantasy suite and he puts doubt in J's mind. She asks him for a moment and walks off to spend some alone time. Chase is left sitting on the couch alone and he has to know this is bad. J tells him that she is not feeling it and Chase is telling her that he is shattered "now love equals get the [bleep] out?" He is pissed off and doesn't think that J gave it a chance.

J tells him that if she had met him outside of all the other relationships they would probably be together, yeah that is what a guy wants to hear. Chase starts to walk away and J runs after him crying, she basically wants Chase to reassure her, it is a bit weird. Chase cracks a beer as he enters the bus to go home "This sucks, get a fantasy suite card to be sent home, it's like pull your pants down so I can kick you in the nuts."

Rose Ceremony time:
The guys show up and meet OMCH and his pedantic questions.
J starts off the ceremony telling the remaining 2 guys that she sent Chase home and he was angry and upset and "I have not been able to stop thinking about...[trails off]" because Chase shows up at the Rose ceremony. Chase pulls J aside to go and talk to her. Both Robbie and ARB both start to dab their brows (and makeup) with handkerchiefs as Robbie begins to worry. Chase tells her he is not there to ask her to take him back, he is just there because he didn't like how their initial parting ended. I think he is just acutely aware that he does not want America to have an impression of him mistreating the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette recap or my hometown can be more boring than your hometown.

Home town dates begin and I continue to realize I am utterly bored by Jojo (J).

Number 1:

We start with Chase and he immediately starts with his sob story...he comes from a broken home, which he shares with J as they lie on a bear skin (I think) rug overlooking a snow tinged town. J is going to have to meet Chase's parents separately.
Chase's dad shows up and Chase digs into the divorce with his dad, seems perfectly reasonable to do in front of a camera and nation. The dad asks if Chase is thinking about consequences, Chase brushes that off...maybe you should listen to the man who went through a divorce!
The meeting with the mom is with a much larger family group. The divorce is the main topic of convo, J and the mom think it is why Chase might be a bit withdrawn - Imagine how much more he will be when he doesn't get picked! Chase's sister thanks him for the experience, which makes me think the production hooked up the house and the food (well we know they definitely cater the food). Chase tells J that he is falling in love with her J says "You never say stuff like that, that is how I know it is real."

Chase tells us he hates goodbyes. 

Number 2:

J goes to Chico, CA and calls it beautiful, it can be...but there are a tonne of us who live in So Cal and know that there is much more to Chico than beauty (google it).
Jordan takes her to his high school - I am always wary of people who use High School as the point of their best and most important memories. Especially the guys who were hot shot athletes! Jordan claimed he never had a serious high school girlfriend, J thinks "maybe I can be his new high school sweetheart" maybe misunderstanding that not having a serious girlfriend is not the same as not having had any girlfriends!

J constantly brings up the fact that Aaron Rodgers wont be there solidifying my belief that Jordan (Aaron Rodgers' Brother ARB) is the front runner because she wants to get close to Aaron. The mom calls ARB her "spicy child" apparently he would try to run away constantly.
ARB's mom practically cuddles with him when he tells her he likes J, I can see why Aaron would not want to be a part of this. J tells us that she stops herself from telling ARB that she loves him because she remembers how hurt she was when Ben told her those words and then rejected her.

Number 3,
Robbie in St Augustine, FL - and he and I own the same shirt - he is fitter than me but it looks better on me (take that, guy who doesn't know me from Adam).
They start off in a horse drawn carriage, the illusion that he ordered it himself is destroyed when he has to introduce himself to the coachman.
J tells Robbie that she is worried about the timeline of Robbie breaking up with his ex and then getting on the show.

Robbie's dad tells J to call him coach - let it go bro. J asks Robbie's mom if she thinks Robbie is over his ex that he just broke up with. J tells the mom that she is falling in love with Robbie. Robbie's mom warns him that the streets are talking: His ex's roomie "has made it look you broke up to go on the show." So Robbie goes and takes J away from talking to his sisters to reassure her that he is serious about the relationship with J and that he is here for wait for it "the right reasons." J asks if he broke up with his ex when he found out that he was coming on the show, J insists that he tells her the truth, he keeps repeating that it is not true. He says the relationship "was over 9 months before it actually ended." He says they had a blow up fight at the end of December and she slapped him (shame, no one male or female should ever put their hands on a partner).

Number 4:
Luke and of course he has a pickup, though it looks brand new and I want to think it is his, but I suspect rental.. They go to a massive family picnic/outing - and Luke gives a speech about how much family means to him. He seems to have a great family but this date is boring, watching grass grow might be more energetic.
It marginally gets better when he leads her into a field and takes her down a path lit by lanterns and ending in a heart made out in flowers..but it just comes across as cheesy and still lacks passion, he is a great looking guy but it all just strikes me as a guy who saw a 'Western Romantic Novel' book cover once.

The Rose Ceremony:
Is at a private Airport Hangar the forced metaphor is strong with this one. J shows up in a blue dress that looks painted on (or more accurately taped on). J cries a lot and tells us that she has to say goodbye to Luke this is said before the rose ceremony even starts! The camera keeps focusing on Luke while J pauses and holds the first rose, Luke then asks "Jojo, can I talk to you for a sec?" They go to the side and Luke tries to reassure her that he was being honest when he told her that his heart was hers, and now proceeds to tell her that he is in love with her. BUT, she only hugs him when he says that and I think he is starting to realize that she is not going to tell her the same...This causes her to walk away from him and from the group, I fear that he is going to be the next Bachelor and it is going to be such a boring season.

Dreaded - To be Continued!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bachelorette recap or taking care of family puts you 3 weeks behind

My mom was staying with me for almost a month, and I could not let her see me watching this show...I know, I know.
The episode I am watching (can't say my usual of "this week") starts with Alex looking less cocky than normal because he realizes that he was on the chopping block last night. OMCH comes in to reassure him that if Jojo (J) wanted him gone, he would have been gone.

First one on one goes to Alex "I gaucho on my mind" reads the date card:
Apparently Alex has been "bitching about being the only guy to not get a one on one." Alex doesn't seem to understand the purpose of the show "she needs to show me that she is into me." The other guys are placed on a bus together and seeing the five remaining guys you get to see how "generic white boy" they are, from a distance the only differentiation is weight...tell me why this show would be hurt by diversity? The guys in the bus stop at an Argentinian bbq joint and Aaron Rodger's brother (ARB) tells us that he is a picky eater..often code for I just like American food (and Italian).
Alex and J watch a gaucho relax a horse, Alex called it "putting a horse down" as they snuggle together with the horse (yes it is as weird as it reads). Alex whispers "I'm your goocho" yup a whole date plus the word written on a date card and he still could not get it right.

A date card for a one on one shows up and of course it is for ARB. Back to the date and Alex is telling J that he is falling in love with her and she gives him the stone face and it is at that moment that we know that Alex is going home. J tells us that she is sending him home early out of respect...Alex might be thinking, "or you could let me party for one more week." Alex is the kind of cocky guy that cannot believe he could get broken up with.

ARB's one on one date:
Of course he gets the private jet to a wine tasting treatment...they start it off by smashing grapes under their feet, then take glasses and scoop out some of the pulp and juice (unprocessed) that they just made and in my head I can hear my cousin screaming "white people!" While they are disgustingly drinking foot juice, we cut back to the house and Luke and Chase are discussing ARB with very little respect regarding him as a person.
A date card arrives and Luke gets the final one on one...but of course he had to, she has a type.

Back to ARB and he is telling J that if she goes home with him to meet the families, Aaron Rodgers wont be there...he starts snitching on the fam. He says that he and Aaron do not have much of a relationship, and makes it sound like Aaron has decided to distance himself from his family. He says they do not talk at all, so Aaron wouldn't know that he is doing the show, PRETTY SURE HE KNOWS HOMIE! He claims he walked away from football because he wanted to not because he had to. He tells J "I am so in love with you" she glows - massive make out session.

Group Date:
It is raining, so the group stays in, and eats a tonne of American junk food, with James betting that he could stuff his mouth full of french fries, they are all basically simulating a slumber party, with Pictionary, Charades and Truth and Dare. Robbie has to do a dare of running down the hallway in his underwear. James starts snitching on Robbie, telling J that Robbie stares at other girls on the streets.

In some one on one time with Robbie, we find out that he quite recently broke up with his girl, as in he claims "4.5 months ago" you can see J doing the math to try to figure out if he broke up to come on the show!

The guys are hanging out together and Robbie asks what the other guys think about the rose distribution, James being practical thinks that ARB and Luke are front runners - that annoys Robby whose name I just figured out is spelled with a Y, I refuse to go back and fix all the other references. Robby is telling the other guys he thinks he is a front runner...his cockiness is immediately validated, because he gets the group date rose. Look J clearly has a type 'washed up former athlete' is her sweet spot. Then something that makes no logistic sense (or equity) occurs, "because Robby won the rose [which means he will spend a tonne of alone time with her soon] he gets some more time with me right now" so the other 2 guys have to skedaddle.

Luke one on One:
J tells us that Luke is smart, not just good looking - and immediately after that he tells us that he broke his first horse at 12 and that helps him with human psychology...sigh. Anyway, Luke the cowboy gets to go on a date with J that involves riding horses - yeah this show is not rigged at all. Then they go skeet shooting, if the next thing is calf roping I would not be shocked at all.

Chase is telling us that he is concerned that the decision for the guy to go home is between he and James so he will need the cocktail party to impress J. At that moment Luke comes in and tells the guys there will be no cocktail party!

Rose Ceremony:
Luke is brimming with confidence, and so too is ARB!
They get the first 2 roses, as we knew they would and the final rose goes to Chase. Come on, this is a blatant case of looks over personality, and James didn't help himself by playing the goofy snitch towards the end. J does the 'can I walk you out and sit on this special bench and talk' move.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bachelorette recap or all Chad are bad?

I mock this show all the time, but when it was gone last week I missed it! I have got a friend at work that cannot stop talking, to the point that even my boss is annoyed now, but no matter how many warning she gets she will not shut up…this is my move with the Bach/ette franchises I warn myself that this is not healthy but I keep going back.

You might recall that on the last episode the Chad, is being sent home but…he stalks through the woods to go and find the other guys! Nemacolin, PA is not ready for this Chad storm. The guys hold a mock funeral for Chad, and spread his protein powder like ashes – wasteful and petty…and cowardly because it is done when he is not there BUT WAIT, what is this? Chad is knocking on the front door and now dragging his fingers down the glass panes of the door. Evan in his ITM says “I hope he is not here for his protein powder” coward.

Chad tells the guys that he felt backed into a corner, but refuses to apologize to them. He says that when the group attacked him the only thing he could think to do is to get physical. Aaron Rodger’s brother shows me that he is braver than I expected by standing up to Chad. But Evan does a foolish move of asking Chad to pay him for his shirt that was ripped, son just get that money from production (thanks to Evan Old Navy shirts were a trending twitter topic).
When Alex walks in, the guys put him on their shoulders and start chanting “Dragon Slayer!” mysteriously a cake and sparklers show up and of course they dunk Alex’s face into it…I am sure production had nothing to do with that!
Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony #1:

The guys are all expressing relief that Chad is no longer there. Robby gets a kiss, but many of the guys get to see it. But now that Chad is not there, new villains have to emerge and now that the guys who already have roses still want to take time with Jojo from the guys who do not, the absence of Chad allows the remaining guys to see that those guys are not so great! Luke takes time away from the other guys to spout some cheesy lines “heart beats faster” “thinking about you.” Wells now notes what I just said “The wonderful thing about Chad…we had a common enemy, a distraction” Evan calls the rose guys “mini Chads” Aaron Rodger’s bro pulls Jojo aside to make out with her on the other side of the wall from the other guys. It looks as if the remaining guys might be able to hear the make out sounds.

Roses: The show dials up the music to let us know this is serious; we get a lot of commentary from Evan as we see each guy get called up but he gets the last rose which sends home Daniel (the Canadian and Chad’s boy…maybe he got booted because of his affiliation) and James F. Daniel says “She was going for personality and my personality is (bleeped)” he rants a bit more that he has the best body, and the “chance of her picking me is like me getting struck by lightning while (exaggerated pause as he tries to think of something) shaving my face.”

Jojo (J) tells the guys that they are off to Uruguay and makes sure to tell them it is in South America.
In Uruguay, Jordan aka Aaron Rodger’s Brother (ARB) gets the first one on one date: the other guys look ticked. Wells thinks Jordan is “just playing the game to get another stamp on his passport.”

One on One
As soon as ARB leaves the guys start to talk about him. The date goes to Isla de Lobos (famous for the largest colony of sea lions in the western hemisphere – see you learn from this blog) and while they are on the date the guys read some gossip mags that Vinny has. The mags indicate that J is still in love with her ex or may still be dating her ex.
Cut to the evening portion and J tells us that she met a girl that dated ARB and she was told that he was a terrible boyfriend. So she brings it up to ARB and he does a tonne of hair flips to try to stall, then admits that he did cheat on his ex. J is worried that ARB will cheat on her he says this reminds him of something his pastor told him growing up “Don’t tell a girl you love her until you are ready to put a ring on her finger” Church of Beyonce is clearly a thing. J is easily bowled over by his simplistic explanations because let’s just be honest, let’s just be real, she wanted any answer that didn’t sound like “and yeah I will cheat on you too.” ARB gets the rose and they walk off into a street festival as always happens on this show, random street parties or musicians we do not know, that is the staple of the franchise.

J gets back from her date with ARB and is telling us how magical it was but then a producer shows her one of the Vinny’s mags and tells her the guys have all seen it. I initially screenshot her face because it was epic, but I am too lazy to do much with it: J says she is furious at her ex and starts to cry. She says the ex doesn’t want her to be happy and that she used to love him, she does not want to be dragged back ‘to the terrible time in my life’ we see shots of her crying and saying “I hate him” which is a clip the show used to promote the season as if she was saying it about one of her suitors. I love that her ex’s name is Chad!

She goes to tell the guys about it and she is crying when she explains to the guys that “this is somebody that brought me to a bad place in my relationship with him.” She tells the guys that she is there for the right reasons.
Group date time and we head to Valizas Sand Dunes: with the B roll showing J standing isolated on top of a sand dune. They are going sand surfing. There is a tonne of tumbling over into the sand followed by a torrential downpour.
In the evening Derek gets the rose by playing the ‘I need to be reassured victim’ it annoys many of the guys.

One on one:
J plays with a dog and then Robbie, but let’s cut back to the house: and ARB (who is safe) brings up that many of the guys are on the block. Back to the date and they are jumping off a cliff, metaphor for dating…allow me to say Robbie has a much better body than I expected with that face…yeah, I said that. Back to the house and some guys are asking Derek what he thinks he did to get the rose, they brought up J’s words “that this guy needs reassurance.”
J tells Robbie that he has “emotional intelligence” sigh. His sob story, is that his best friend died last year in a car accident while texting his girlfriend. Because of that he realized that time is short so he quit his job, left his girl of three years and moved cities…he then tells J that he has fallen in love with her “I’m in love, I’m in love. I AM IN LOVE.” His ex is probably poking a Robbie doll right now (and justifiably). Fireworks go off in the background as J tells us “It feels so good to be loved…that after tonight I could see myself falling in love with him.”

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony #2:
“Robbie, Chase, Alex and ARB have been ganging up on me” Derek tells us, so he pulls them aside and tells them “that it starts to look like a high school clique.”  Guys are offended that he chose the cocktail party time to do this (they revere the symbolism of this show so much). ARB comes back to the main group and thinking that he is a big dog tries to call Derek out by asking the whole group if they feel excluded turns out he didn’t get the reaction he wanted because Wells says “it took valor to tell you.” So ARB switches tact and tries to say to Derek “you said we all feel that way” Derek said “I did not.” In truth I do not remember him saying we, but this is not a show I care to rewind.
But J sends OMCH in to tell the group that she does not want to have a cocktail party and 3 guys are going home, Alex and his Napoleon complex somehow spins this into Derek’s fault “he took up all the time being sensitive” as if something that happens outside of J’s presence can affect her.

J arrives and gives her “blah blah blah guy I want to spend the rest of my life with” speech with. She says she cancelled the cocktail party because she knows it wouldn’t be fair [or maybe the show has been shooting overtime and they need to wrap the crew early]. Wells gets the final rose, not that shocking; Evan, Vinny and Grant (half) get sent home. So now the ethnic quotient has been completely washed out of the show…and the guys remaining look basically the same as every other final 10 of this show. Vinny is crying in his goodbye ITM…come on bro!

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Bachelorette recap or 4 hours of "Is Jojo really the star of this show?"

Two nights of this…can I handle it? 4 hours of The Chad: 

We start with many of the guys napping and looking sleepy this is how I know I will feel after hour 4
OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) shows up to drop off date cards and warnings.
Chad is disappointed that he did not get a date, he thinks he is “killing it” with Jojo. 

Chase gets the one on one date:
Jojo (‘J’) wants to see if they can “cross that emotional” barrier. So we go to a Bachelor Trope and they go for a yoga session, it will be hot yoga. And the instructor asks “How long have you guys been intimate?” They tell her they have not been, and have only known each other for a week. Of course it is ‘sexual’ they do a move that is described as “kind of like an anger-gasm.” 

Cut from yoga to Daniel and Chad heavy lifting together with exaggerated grunting.

Back to yoga and they are being taught the Yab yum pose which basically just has J wrap her legs around Chase which puts their faces together so of course they make out. 

Evening portion:
He shares his sob story…parental divorce. He wants his marriage to be one and done… “a lifetime decision.” He gets the rose and J tells him there is one more surprise; it is Charles Kelly giving them their surprise intimate concert – Chase in his ITM looks like he is struggling to pretend as if he knew who Charles Kelly was before that night. If you are wondering why the name seems familiar but not a hit name by itself, it is because he is a part of Lady Antebellum. 

The group date card arrives and Chad who is on the group date expresses out loud that he doesn’t want to do the group date, the guys react angrily and some of them call him out, but he picks on Evan first (physically Evan looks like the weakest of the group that was calling him out) whose rebuke of him was the mildest then…

“Let’s hope that whatever competition it is, it is a bench pressing competition and not a spelling competition” said by Jordan directed at Chad and this leads to the Chad response that was used to promote this season of the show which now makes so much more sense in context, “You are a 27 year old failed football player you have done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.” It is a low blow but I can see that Jordan struck first Chad just struck harder. Many of the guys take it to heart with Alex pointing to Chad and saying “I think we can all say that there is a solid sticking piece of s##t right over there.” Chad calls him a mofo and Alex tells him to “Try me bro” as someone who lives in a city filled with surfers and military “try me bro” is the clarion call of every weekend. Chad says Alex will need more tattoos to look tough and Alex tells him he is the biggest pussy in the house. 

Group Date:
Alex says he is excited to go with ten guys and one douche bag. The guys meet J and they are sitting through a one woman show called ‘Sex Talks’ with confused looks. The guys will have to give their own performances, Evan who works as an Erectile Dysfunction specialist is excited for the chance. These are the moments of this show that I find offensive, not because guys or girls are talking about sex, but because this ‘forces’ them to have to do it…Daniel the Canadian is a little too excited to do this. Chad shockingly agrees with me…uh oh. Evan has decided that he is going to use this forum to call out Chad, sounds risky. 

J just keeps throwing it out there that “I think sex is really important in a relationship” cool girl, but we got it the first five times. We actually get to see one of the guys showing off his cunnilingus skills. Now time for Evan to take shots at Chad: He tells a story of the dangers of steroid usage and he uses some of Chad’s mannerisms as examples of steroid usage. As he goes to sit down Chad grabs Evan and rips his shirt. It is then Chad’s turn and he asks J to the stage she is hesitant and checks in on Evan first. Chad then plays the macho bro role of not telling a sex story, telling J that his only concern is for their future and then tries to kiss her in front of everyone (too much like ownership brah) to which she does the instant turn away move and gives him the cheek and a gentle push away. The guys and additional audience members watching roar in delight, with Alex standing up to applaud and say “Crash and burn brother.” Chad then throws the mic away when he cannot get it back into the mic stand. 

The guys go back stage as J and the audience deliberate, Chad walks right up to Evan puts his hand around his neck and goes “You are going to die you piece of s##t” Evan does not back down but also does not retaliate. Daniel tries to calm Chad down while censoring him for his actions (good for him) – Chad, if the guy who says he finds humor in bodily fluids and his favorite is poop is reprimanding you, you know you have gone too far! 

Evening portion:
And the dates are all going mellow, but we know this is the quiet before the storm and so we see Chad try to walk up and interrupt a date. He makes it awkward by sitting close to the date and loudly moving furniture and whistling, “Some guys feel they need to push boundaries and to test the big guy.” Vinny asks “how do you feel when you went to kiss her and she turned the cheek?” Chad says he would have turned the cheek also. Chad then tries to insinuate that the Evan shirt ripping incident was Evan’s fault – that Evan tried to push past him. 

Evan decides to call Chad out “Hey, Chad why are you here?” Chad says Evan is bullying him…uhmm yeah! 

Cut to the house where some of the guys are waiting for the one on one date card, a guys says “if the date card does not have my name on it, I will go cry in a corner somewhere.” 

Back to the group date and Chad is creeping in the background while J is on the different quick dates. Chad keeps sharing his personal thoughts on the guys while telling us that “most of the guys are immature.” He finally gets some time with J and tells J that Evan was “the little kid who tried to beat up the bully?” “So you are the bully?” “No I am not the bully, well he is bullying the bully” J: “Don’t be the bully!” Evan comes along and interrupts Chad’s time with J which of course causes Chad to internally rage, then he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and says “Hey buddy” while preening. 

Evan foolishly gives J an ultimatum, it is Chad or him! The thing about a power play like this, even if you get rid of Chad, you have made J less a fan of yours and more watchful of you. Even the slightest flaw you have will forever make her think “Should I have kept the other guy?” Should we also point out that Evan has THREE kids? This is not exactly a guy without some things that could cause a girl to think long and hard about keeping him. 

J pulls Evan aside before presenting the group date rose and the first thing she brings up “You are an amazing father” told you dude! J tells him that she wants to give him the rose but she is not sure he will accept it given the situation - showing that he is a man of convictions, he accepts it even after J has warned him that she is not going to boot Chad just because he wants her to. Evan accepts the rose and gushes that he got to make out with J. When they return to the group Chad has a look of shock…don’t worry brah we all wonder what is going on here.

Chad says to J “Is this real? Is this a real situation?” J asks him what his problem is he goes “You are actually vibing this dude right now?” J tells him to stop being disrespectful. Alex tells us he is going to DVR this “and watch it over and over again.” Chad “no girl on earth ever chooses Evan, except to come sweep their front yard.” On the limo bus back to the house Chad looks like he could murder every single guy in there with him.

One of the guys says he does not feel safe sleeping next to Chad. A security guard has been hired to watch over Chad. 

One on One Date:
James Taylor Faker is taken by J to a swing dance lesson taught by who I can only guess is Betty White’s older sister. Post lesson they walk out onto the street and there is a group of performers having a swing dance, showing that the lessons didn’t stick J and J flail around to the music. 

Back to house and Daniel is trying to talk to Chad who is of course eating, Daniel is telling Chad that associating with him is hurting his standing in the house. Daniel to Chad “pretend you are Hitler” Chad “I don’t want to be Hitler” “Okay, pretend that you are Mussolini” this analogy does NOT seem safe! Daniel then says “let’s pretend you are Donald Trump…Mussolini…George Bush” hahahahahah oh man the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate and the last Republican president were both compared to Hitler, Mussolini and CHAD…like I predicted, the analogy was not safe. 

Back to the boring date with James, J is telling us she is not sure there is a future there between her and James. James shares his sob story; he got picked on as a kid this is why he considers himself an underdog. He tells J that he does not think he is good looking enough for a girl like her…blah blah he gets the rose and breaks out his guitar – we all think he is just on this to further his career right? 

Chad is working out and grunting and the guys are watching him. OMCH shows up to say that the night’s cocktail party will be cancelled but instead J will spend all day hanging out with the guys at a pool party, Chad mocks that privately.

 As OMCH goes to leave Evan follows him out to snitch…now look I understand someone having concerns, BUT, you raised it to J she told you “NO”, to go behind her back and tell OMCH is rude and paternalistic…the girl cannot do the decision you want her to do so you tell her ‘father figure.’ Evan you are pathetic, Chad is in many ways a terrible human being, but let J figure that out for herself! 

So now OMCH is out there lecturing Chad and telling him that he needs to make peace with Evan. Chad claims he is going to do just that, but instead he looks like he is going to turn the house into a scene from Game of Thrones. 

The blooper reel shows James talking to a producer with both of them freaking out over a moth

Okay on to the Next Episode: Can I survive one more? 

Chad comes into the house and gives an apology of sorts as required by OMCH. Evan says “Chad you owe me a new shirt and an apology.” Chad tells them if they give him space he will be good with them. He gets to stay. J shows up and Chad is the first to meet her at the door. J gets down to her bikini because there is no way the show was going to let her not show off what the trainer hath wroth. We see two guys jumping into the pool with a reference to two memes near and dear to my heart ‘RKO out of nowhere’ and ‘His name is John Cena’ (look them up you olds).
The guys pretend to be synchronized swimmers entering the pool and somehow Evan comes up from that bleeding…everyone jokingly blames Chad (maybe we should be afraid that he can move objects with his mind).

J is worried that she likes Aaron Rodgers’ brother more than he likes her. They make out; she makes out with a lot of guys this round. But, a lot of guys are bringing Chad up in their convos with J; Chad confronts Derek for speaking about him to J, Derek pretended he did not, only to realize that Chad overheard his conversation with J. Chad takes Derek to the side to have a conversation, some of the guys ask him if he will need backup. Chad opens the conversation with “Whatever guy stole your girlfriend that looked like me…is not me!” Derek does not back down in the confrontation and tells Chad that he is concerned that Chad is unstable. 

Cocktail Party:
The guys all just mill around wondering if Chad will get a rose. Tonnes of dramatic music and glances at Chad as each name is called, OMCH shows up to tell us one rose remains and Chad is still standing there, but come on we know he is getting it and he does! This leaves a lot of pissed off guys and wait, what is this, the half black guy that was featured coming in and Ali the Persian guy there goes the diversity. Evan says it “feels like a kick in the ass.”
J says that because of all the negativity she has decided that they are leaving the mansion for good to go have some fun…She decided it? I am guessing the lease on the mansion has run out.
The group goes off to Pennsylvania because when you think fairy tale romance you think Nemacolin, PA. 

Luke gets the first one on one date card:
They go dog sledding (of a sort) and come upon a wood fired hot tub, so Luke has to chop some wood to feed the fire and then strip down to be ogled by J. But…it turns out they got it too hot. Luke tells J that he grew up on a ranch J responds “you wouldn’t know that by looking at you” how should he look J? Of course there is making out. 

Back to the house and the show spends a lot of time panning the camera up and down Chad's shirtless torso while cutting to video of a bear with Chad talking in the background and saying "don't poke the Chad bear." The group date card shows up which leaves just Alex and Chad to go on the 2 on one date...dun dun dunnnnnn. 

Back to the date J says 'like' a lot, I have spotted that recently I have been saying 'like' more than I would like to (couldn't resist) and I think the culprit was last season's Bachelor and this podcast that I listen to where one of the hosts says "like" every other sentence. I have consciously started to remove 'like' from my vocabulary, and attempting to substitute pretty much anything for it. 

Luke shares his 'sob story' his is an actual sad story unlike so many of the other guys, (unless he is faking it, and I do not want to look it up to find out) someone he was close to in the military died. He of course gets the rose. J says "I have one more surprise" which musical act that no one knows is it going to be? J takes him to a concert hall where there is an adoring crowd with all their camera phones trained on them and they get on the concert stage to start making out while 'Dan+Shay' perform for them (these guys at least went to number 1 on the country charts). 

Group Date
The guys get to go to Heinz Field and they get to meet Ben Roethlisberger (cool I guess, but I cannot especially on a show like this forget that he has been accused of sexual assault, not just once but twice) Brett Keisel and Hines Ward so that they can show off their manly skills. The guys run through skills tests and bash each other around, James Faker suffers a split eye and while the medic recommends stitches James refuses because he doesn't want to lose time on the date...blood is streaming down his face. 

Back to the house and Luke is sitting in between Alex and Chad and there is palpable tension. 

Back on the date the guys are squared off into 2 teams Evan appears to be spending more time on his 'look' than on his preparation for the game. Aaron Rodger's little brother gets to play all time QB which of course makes sense and locks him into getting to go to the after party no matter what. Blue team was the clear under dog with Evan (who started bleeding again), James, Vinny et al and they came back from losing to tying the game and with 6 seconds left the White team has the ball and is driving into the end zone when Blue strips the ball and takes it in for a last second touch down and win. 

The losing team had to return home while the winner get evening time with J. J appears to kiss every guy that she gets alone time with, impressive. J is clearly smitten by Aaron Rodger's little brother whom she considers an enigma which of course leads to kissing. Jordan 'earns' the date rose. 

The date card arrives and Chad blows up at the other guys after they question him about his reasons for wanting to be with J. He starts yelling at guys and telling them to meet him outside (if you want to fight just fight, do not posture). 

Two on one date:

Before the date begins the guys are talking about Chad behind his back but he hears them and he goes OFF: "Jordan you think this is a show and you think you are safe for now, but one day this ends and when this ends you go home. When you go home, you think I cannot find you? You think I wont go out of my way to come to your house? I am dead f$%king serious.” "You think I am scared of you?" "I think you should be." Whew I thought I was the only person that harbored that kind of willingness to wait for prey! All the other guys are sitting on a long L shaped couch and Chad is sitting behind them on a solo seat just staring at them all.

The helicopter budget finally kicks in for this episode and comes to pick up the 2 Alpha Bros for the date.

After a long hike the 3 daters awkwardly share a picnic blanket so J first takes Alex aside to talk to him,
Alex starts to fill J in on all the aggression that Chad has shared with the group - normally I think it is a bad move to speak about your opponents during your time, but in this case if you can communicate it quickly and calmly to the person who asked the question and just not linger on it it is probably fine. 

Chad's time with J has her trying to initially figure out whether what the guys have said about Chad is true. J asks Chad if he threatened to find Jordan after the show, Chad tries to downplay it even smiling. J says she is disappointed in Chad because she gave him a second chance, she says that threatening to beat someone up is not the move and Chad with a straight face replies "so that they would leave me alone...if you have a better way I would love to hear it." yup that is the best plan Chad always threaten to kill peeps who annoy you. And you sell luxury homes for a living?

J walks off because she says she needs time to think...about this? J keeps saying that the fact that Chad's mom passed away six months ago is the reason that this is a struggle for her. Chad says he has no option left because Alex keeps getting in his business, so we see Chad stalking through the woods to go back to find Alex on the picnic blanket while whistling: He lies down on the blanket and then says to Alex "I am not mad at you, I am just disappointed....It is just unfortunate that I cannot hurt you right now without getting in trouble." Chad:"Have a glass of milk" Alex: "I don't like milk" "You should, milk is delicious." This really was a part of their argument. By the way, milk is really delicious.

Alex “Chad is a fake disingenuing person” the word is disingenuous bro, but I give you points for trying to get close!

J finally says "Chad I don't think that you are the person that you say you are" so she gives the rose to Alex and in franchise tradition they leave him out in the woods. Chad asks out loud "is this real? Am I getting punked right now?" The guys in the house when seeing whose luggage is removed start cheering and toasting. Back to the woods and it is now dark instead of light and we see Chad still stomping around, makes me wonder if he told the show I am going to walk off this anger...he says to the Camera "now I am going to have to go and find Alex" to beat him up...turns out Chad walked all the way up to the cabin where the guys are staying? Didn't they fly a helicopter to the hike? Chad is seeing knocking on the door and running his fingers down the glass pane. The dreaded 'to be continued' comes up!

The Blooper reel has Daniel and Evan walking to the hot tub Daniel tricks Evan into thinking he is going to go in nude, it is a well done prank and better than I would ever have given him credit for.

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Bachelorette recap or Chad teaches us the special ingredients in protein shakes

We do the cheesy pan shot of the CA coast line and the usual monologue of the lead telling us they are hopeful that they will find love. Kim sees the ‘James Taylor’ chyron and calls it “the dumbest thing she has ever seen” she means for today, she sees my typing and corrects me “I have seen a lot of dumb things today.” 

Chad proves the text I got from E  “He is the bitchy narrator” correct instantly and immediately starts monologuing 2 minutes into the show.

The budget for this show has stepped up and they explode a limo for the effect of having Jojo show up on a fire truck “When Jojo jumped out of that fire truck she was smoking, the limo wasn’t the only thing on fire” “I was thinking you can spray me down any day” (Jojo is operating the fire hose). Chad calls the group leaving  the “B team.” I suspect this blog will often have the words “Chad says.”'

Chad has a whole suitcase of just protein powders and supplements; he then straps that to himself as he does pull-ups. The guys call him “meat head to the max.” He of course is doing the pull-ups sans shirt.

The B-team is off to pretend that they are firefighters. Grant is a real firefighter…shouldn’t someone have thought this through? Jojo says “The guys are looking good…pretty much the hottest date I have ever been on” (Cheesy smile to the camera) Daniel then pops up (after a challenging of running with the fire hose) “The last time I was pulling hose like that I was in my apartment” (Cheesier smile to the camera).

Wells does not look like he is built for physical exertion, and probably shouldn’t be doing it with gear on. The EMTs have to be called to help him out. As James F pointed out “We all felt bad for him until he started getting more one on one time with Jojo.”

The guys remaining in the home have created a song to sing to Jojo Chad points out that they all already seem obsessed “with a girl they just met” and whom “they basically do not know.”

The top 3 for the firefighter challenge includes Grant…shocking? And Wells and Luke, yes you read that right, Wells was included in the top 3 “for not giving up” don’t worry he was just as shocked as you. Luke is still listed as the ‘war veteran’ and he puts in a good job but pouts when Grant wins. The whole thing felt rigged to make Grant go further than the typical minority candidate on this show…is this Affirmative Action? Gasp, there are about to be a whole bunch of pissed off white guys! Jojo “I would certainly say that Grant is a hero” as we see her making out with him.

Derek gets the first one on one card. The guys tell him to stop smiling.

Back to the group date and the rest of the guys start to get one on one time, Wells is up first; He starts with jokes about his incompetence at the fire challenge. Half of what is helping him here is that he is wittier than the other guys, but then again a man amongst guerrillas will always stand out. Jojo is an aggressive kisser she goes in for it, Luke after giving his sob story (see any prior season of this show) goes for a hug, Jojo instead went for the kiss…you go girl (yeah it does not fit me I felt weird typing it). Wells gets the rose and Luke tells us that he is hurt by it.

One on on date:
Jojo tells Derek that the date is unplanned, it is basically a choose your own adventure type of date. As they leave the gate the options are given “Sky” or “Sea” they both of course pick “Sky” if you have ever seen this show you know Sky means helicopters, Balloons, private jets. At the airport the option is “North” or “South” the idiots pick North MORONS go south, warmer beaches and a more exotic lifestyle (makes me wonder if the producers said No). In San Francisco the choices are “Golden Gate” or “Lombard street” they pick GG.

Back to the house and the main group is  still practicing their song “I always warn girls, stay away from nice guys” said by Chad as he is jabbing his finger. Chad  “If you were making a protein shake made up of all the guys here”, Daniel “what kind of a shake would it be?”  Chad "If you're making a protein shake made out of the group of dudes here and blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance” Some of the guys are disappointed when their names are not called on the new date card. Chad points out to them “You have gone your whole life without Jojo” he is a bro, he is a brutally honest bro, but he has moments of lucidity in all that protein haze.

Back to the one on one: J (I am tired of typing that made up name) asks the usual “what happened to your last relationship” type question and Derek feigns sadness. I am thinking he is going to confess that he is a virgin but instead he says that in his last relationship he was ready to get married but his girl ended up cheating on him. “I think I have told myself that I am being open” oh no another wanker playing the ‘unloveable’ card. The minute Ben Higgins parlayed that move into becoming the Bachelor I knew we would be plagued with it. J says that means that they have a lot in common…yup basicness.

Group date time:
And the bros get to go to ESPN’s LA headquarters. The show ‘Sportsnation’ is being filmed with J pretending to be a host with Max and Marcellus. J claims that M and M called to offer to help her out, let’s just ignore that ESPN and ABC are both part of the Disney properties.  Jordan made sure to tell us that he “played football professionally and [my] brother is Aaron Rodgers so Marcellus may not like me” (because he used to sack QBs). James “Chad looks like a protein shake in a blender” after the guys did a spinning challenge. The guys have to do a fake proposal  Chad says simply “Will you marry me?” he gets called out for its simplicity so Chad jokes that J “is starting off a bit naggy here” I would hate this guy in person but on this show I love him.

Then the guys have to simulate a Press Conference and the question they all are asked “Who do you think is performing the worst?” and of course all the guys say Chad some immediately some with prodding. Part of the problem for these guys is that Chad is speaking too much truth to power, he has called them all out for immediately falling in love Alex “just because you are speaking the truth doesn’t mean you are right.”

M and M are doing the analysis of how they would power rank the guys, Chad’s VO “I think I am going to win it.” Chad comes in second with the guys calling him open and honest; Alex is hurt that he lost to Chad. But James Taylor Faker wins it all.

Evening portion and James gets to go first: “A smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside” – James. Of course that ignores tears, mucus, blood, bile, vomit and my disgust at his simplistic logic. But, it earns him a “thank you kiss,” then a real kiss, that is noisy. Chad is analyzing the guys for us calling one the high school sweetheart type, labeling Alex as too short “you do not go from 6’4” to 5’4”’ “Nick is trying so hard, it is coming off as weird” “she doesn’t want a guy that will kiss her ass constantly” “most of the guys are coming off as kids” “They do not want what she needs, they do not have what any woman needs.” J thinks that Chad might be overcompensating for something, she asks him if he has been in love and he surprises me slightly by saying that he has and even more surprisingly he has a purse dog. We find out that he inherited the dog from his mom who passed away 6 months ago, that makes sense now, but I am still slightly surprised he hasn’t pawned the dog off. J and Chad go and drop coins in a wishing well and kiss I think he reminds J of her brother (I know it sounds a bit gross but look past that, they are the same macho-poseurs).

What’s this? Chad says he is starting to rethink the whole thing because…he is starting to have feelings for J…many of the guys are talking and saying that there is no way Chad can get the rose because it would make them have to reconsider everything, they are lying, they would all have remained if he got the rose. James Faker gets the rose and it leaves him in tears in his confessional.

Cocktail Party:
The guys are all looking around for Chad, not realizing that he was outside waiting for J’s limo to pull up. As soon as she does he asks her to go for a walk and sneaks a kiss before he walks her back in to see the group, he comes in strutting when he walks her in. The guys are now very wary of Chad. So some of them pull him over for a chat: have they not ever seen this show? This rarely goes well. Alex is the lead interrogator, with Jordan as the backup. While they are interrogating him Chad continues to demolish food, they even comment on it and he tells them it is delicious. They start to ask Chad about his interaction with J. They do not like his cavalier answers “they are just being super sensitive” – Chad. Someone makes a 'winter is coming' reference and on cue we cut to J with Chase and fake snow is falling with Chase claiming that because he didn’t get a date with her, he wants to bring a little piece of his world to her. Chad really, really likes to eat and keeps offering peeps plates of food. The guys start commenting on it. Vinny – “I don’t know if he is here for the free food or if he is here to find love.” “He would take an IV of meat if he could get one.” “Chad has consumed enough to feed a kindergarten group, maybe even a fifth grade. He has taken the term meathead to an unparalleled level.”

Chad interrupts an Alex conversation to talk to J and it leaves the guys fuming. J tells Chad that she finds him funny, never let it be said that she needs conversation and depth. “Whole bunch of butt-hurt dudes that are gonna confront you slightly” that is how Chad describes the guys who are giving him the talking to…he adds that it is like ‘West Side story’ and even does the dancing motion, “it is like a bunch of Care Bears.” Again he points out the obvious; “If you are going to do something, think out the end result” the guys confronted him but had no end game.

Chad then goes and interrupts Evan’s time when Evan comes back to the guys he tells them and the guys tell him he should have pushed back against Chad…they all say it of course after their own dates have been interrupted. So Alex goes to confront Chad and tells him that he is “probably creeping” J out. Alex tells him to go drink a beer or whatever he needs to chill out. Chad puts his finger in Alex’s face with a “f#$k you” Alex to his credit does not back down even when Chad threatens to displace his teeth. Alex tells us that he will with “no hesitation punch a guy like that in the face, I am literally about to drop my beer and if he touches my face again, I am about to drop that guy on his head.”

As the guys walk up to the rose ceremony Chad is still stuffing his face, even as J walks in Chad is still sneaking food to his mouth. First Rose to Alex “She’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think that she hates short people” – come on by now you can guess who said that. 2nd Christian “Christian, Christian, I don’t even know who Christian is…another short guy” as we see him looking around for Christian. James S “Bachelor Superfan” I think thinks he was going to be the narrator of this episode but Chad took his role, wait till he sees this episode, he is not going to be happy. Chad “I think I will get a rose tonight, I should get a rose tonight, I will get a rose tonight!” 

Alex thinks that the rose symbolizes that one of the best bachelors in the country is here, if Chad gets it “It will symbolize, just garbage.” – it is not that serious brah! And of course after much suspense, Chad gets the final rose! Crestfallen looks on many of the guys, including the “Super fan” well if you are a super fan at least you got to see inside the mansion and 2 rose ceremonies in person you must be loving life.

“I will not write her a song about how much I love her, I am just going to keep eating protein shakes, and eating some food” oh Chad. The promo for next week’s two night episode arc has OMCH calling it a “double dose of Chad.”
The blooper reel has Christian stripping down to his skivvies and inviting J into a bubble bath.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.