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Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Bachelorette recap or 4 hours of "Is Jojo really the star of this show?"

Two nights of this…can I handle it? 4 hours of The Chad: 

We start with many of the guys napping and looking sleepy this is how I know I will feel after hour 4
OMCH (Obvious Man Chris Harrison) shows up to drop off date cards and warnings.
Chad is disappointed that he did not get a date, he thinks he is “killing it” with Jojo. 

Chase gets the one on one date:
Jojo (‘J’) wants to see if they can “cross that emotional” barrier. So we go to a Bachelor Trope and they go for a yoga session, it will be hot yoga. And the instructor asks “How long have you guys been intimate?” They tell her they have not been, and have only known each other for a week. Of course it is ‘sexual’ they do a move that is described as “kind of like an anger-gasm.” 

Cut from yoga to Daniel and Chad heavy lifting together with exaggerated grunting.

Back to yoga and they are being taught the Yab yum pose which basically just has J wrap her legs around Chase which puts their faces together so of course they make out. 

Evening portion:
He shares his sob story…parental divorce. He wants his marriage to be one and done… “a lifetime decision.” He gets the rose and J tells him there is one more surprise; it is Charles Kelly giving them their surprise intimate concert – Chase in his ITM looks like he is struggling to pretend as if he knew who Charles Kelly was before that night. If you are wondering why the name seems familiar but not a hit name by itself, it is because he is a part of Lady Antebellum. 

The group date card arrives and Chad who is on the group date expresses out loud that he doesn’t want to do the group date, the guys react angrily and some of them call him out, but he picks on Evan first (physically Evan looks like the weakest of the group that was calling him out) whose rebuke of him was the mildest then…

“Let’s hope that whatever competition it is, it is a bench pressing competition and not a spelling competition” said by Jordan directed at Chad and this leads to the Chad response that was used to promote this season of the show which now makes so much more sense in context, “You are a 27 year old failed football player you have done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.” It is a low blow but I can see that Jordan struck first Chad just struck harder. Many of the guys take it to heart with Alex pointing to Chad and saying “I think we can all say that there is a solid sticking piece of s##t right over there.” Chad calls him a mofo and Alex tells him to “Try me bro” as someone who lives in a city filled with surfers and military “try me bro” is the clarion call of every weekend. Chad says Alex will need more tattoos to look tough and Alex tells him he is the biggest pussy in the house. 

Group Date:
Alex says he is excited to go with ten guys and one douche bag. The guys meet J and they are sitting through a one woman show called ‘Sex Talks’ with confused looks. The guys will have to give their own performances, Evan who works as an Erectile Dysfunction specialist is excited for the chance. These are the moments of this show that I find offensive, not because guys or girls are talking about sex, but because this ‘forces’ them to have to do it…Daniel the Canadian is a little too excited to do this. Chad shockingly agrees with me…uh oh. Evan has decided that he is going to use this forum to call out Chad, sounds risky. 

J just keeps throwing it out there that “I think sex is really important in a relationship” cool girl, but we got it the first five times. We actually get to see one of the guys showing off his cunnilingus skills. Now time for Evan to take shots at Chad: He tells a story of the dangers of steroid usage and he uses some of Chad’s mannerisms as examples of steroid usage. As he goes to sit down Chad grabs Evan and rips his shirt. It is then Chad’s turn and he asks J to the stage she is hesitant and checks in on Evan first. Chad then plays the macho bro role of not telling a sex story, telling J that his only concern is for their future and then tries to kiss her in front of everyone (too much like ownership brah) to which she does the instant turn away move and gives him the cheek and a gentle push away. The guys and additional audience members watching roar in delight, with Alex standing up to applaud and say “Crash and burn brother.” Chad then throws the mic away when he cannot get it back into the mic stand. 

The guys go back stage as J and the audience deliberate, Chad walks right up to Evan puts his hand around his neck and goes “You are going to die you piece of s##t” Evan does not back down but also does not retaliate. Daniel tries to calm Chad down while censoring him for his actions (good for him) – Chad, if the guy who says he finds humor in bodily fluids and his favorite is poop is reprimanding you, you know you have gone too far! 

Evening portion:
And the dates are all going mellow, but we know this is the quiet before the storm and so we see Chad try to walk up and interrupt a date. He makes it awkward by sitting close to the date and loudly moving furniture and whistling, “Some guys feel they need to push boundaries and to test the big guy.” Vinny asks “how do you feel when you went to kiss her and she turned the cheek?” Chad says he would have turned the cheek also. Chad then tries to insinuate that the Evan shirt ripping incident was Evan’s fault – that Evan tried to push past him. 

Evan decides to call Chad out “Hey, Chad why are you here?” Chad says Evan is bullying him…uhmm yeah! 

Cut to the house where some of the guys are waiting for the one on one date card, a guys says “if the date card does not have my name on it, I will go cry in a corner somewhere.” 

Back to the group date and Chad is creeping in the background while J is on the different quick dates. Chad keeps sharing his personal thoughts on the guys while telling us that “most of the guys are immature.” He finally gets some time with J and tells J that Evan was “the little kid who tried to beat up the bully?” “So you are the bully?” “No I am not the bully, well he is bullying the bully” J: “Don’t be the bully!” Evan comes along and interrupts Chad’s time with J which of course causes Chad to internally rage, then he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and says “Hey buddy” while preening. 

Evan foolishly gives J an ultimatum, it is Chad or him! The thing about a power play like this, even if you get rid of Chad, you have made J less a fan of yours and more watchful of you. Even the slightest flaw you have will forever make her think “Should I have kept the other guy?” Should we also point out that Evan has THREE kids? This is not exactly a guy without some things that could cause a girl to think long and hard about keeping him. 

J pulls Evan aside before presenting the group date rose and the first thing she brings up “You are an amazing father” told you dude! J tells him that she wants to give him the rose but she is not sure he will accept it given the situation - showing that he is a man of convictions, he accepts it even after J has warned him that she is not going to boot Chad just because he wants her to. Evan accepts the rose and gushes that he got to make out with J. When they return to the group Chad has a look of shock…don’t worry brah we all wonder what is going on here.

Chad says to J “Is this real? Is this a real situation?” J asks him what his problem is he goes “You are actually vibing this dude right now?” J tells him to stop being disrespectful. Alex tells us he is going to DVR this “and watch it over and over again.” Chad “no girl on earth ever chooses Evan, except to come sweep their front yard.” On the limo bus back to the house Chad looks like he could murder every single guy in there with him.

One of the guys says he does not feel safe sleeping next to Chad. A security guard has been hired to watch over Chad. 

One on One Date:
James Taylor Faker is taken by J to a swing dance lesson taught by who I can only guess is Betty White’s older sister. Post lesson they walk out onto the street and there is a group of performers having a swing dance, showing that the lessons didn’t stick J and J flail around to the music. 

Back to house and Daniel is trying to talk to Chad who is of course eating, Daniel is telling Chad that associating with him is hurting his standing in the house. Daniel to Chad “pretend you are Hitler” Chad “I don’t want to be Hitler” “Okay, pretend that you are Mussolini” this analogy does NOT seem safe! Daniel then says “let’s pretend you are Donald Trump…Mussolini…George Bush” hahahahahah oh man the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate and the last Republican president were both compared to Hitler, Mussolini and CHAD…like I predicted, the analogy was not safe. 

Back to the boring date with James, J is telling us she is not sure there is a future there between her and James. James shares his sob story; he got picked on as a kid this is why he considers himself an underdog. He tells J that he does not think he is good looking enough for a girl like her…blah blah he gets the rose and breaks out his guitar – we all think he is just on this to further his career right? 

Chad is working out and grunting and the guys are watching him. OMCH shows up to say that the night’s cocktail party will be cancelled but instead J will spend all day hanging out with the guys at a pool party, Chad mocks that privately.

 As OMCH goes to leave Evan follows him out to snitch…now look I understand someone having concerns, BUT, you raised it to J she told you “NO”, to go behind her back and tell OMCH is rude and paternalistic…the girl cannot do the decision you want her to do so you tell her ‘father figure.’ Evan you are pathetic, Chad is in many ways a terrible human being, but let J figure that out for herself! 

So now OMCH is out there lecturing Chad and telling him that he needs to make peace with Evan. Chad claims he is going to do just that, but instead he looks like he is going to turn the house into a scene from Game of Thrones. 

The blooper reel shows James talking to a producer with both of them freaking out over a moth

Okay on to the Next Episode: Can I survive one more? 

Chad comes into the house and gives an apology of sorts as required by OMCH. Evan says “Chad you owe me a new shirt and an apology.” Chad tells them if they give him space he will be good with them. He gets to stay. J shows up and Chad is the first to meet her at the door. J gets down to her bikini because there is no way the show was going to let her not show off what the trainer hath wroth. We see two guys jumping into the pool with a reference to two memes near and dear to my heart ‘RKO out of nowhere’ and ‘His name is John Cena’ (look them up you olds).
The guys pretend to be synchronized swimmers entering the pool and somehow Evan comes up from that bleeding…everyone jokingly blames Chad (maybe we should be afraid that he can move objects with his mind).

J is worried that she likes Aaron Rodgers’ brother more than he likes her. They make out; she makes out with a lot of guys this round. But, a lot of guys are bringing Chad up in their convos with J; Chad confronts Derek for speaking about him to J, Derek pretended he did not, only to realize that Chad overheard his conversation with J. Chad takes Derek to the side to have a conversation, some of the guys ask him if he will need backup. Chad opens the conversation with “Whatever guy stole your girlfriend that looked like me…is not me!” Derek does not back down in the confrontation and tells Chad that he is concerned that Chad is unstable. 

Cocktail Party:
The guys all just mill around wondering if Chad will get a rose. Tonnes of dramatic music and glances at Chad as each name is called, OMCH shows up to tell us one rose remains and Chad is still standing there, but come on we know he is getting it and he does! This leaves a lot of pissed off guys and wait, what is this, the half black guy that was featured coming in and Ali the Persian guy there goes the diversity. Evan says it “feels like a kick in the ass.”
J says that because of all the negativity she has decided that they are leaving the mansion for good to go have some fun…She decided it? I am guessing the lease on the mansion has run out.
The group goes off to Pennsylvania because when you think fairy tale romance you think Nemacolin, PA. 

Luke gets the first one on one date card:
They go dog sledding (of a sort) and come upon a wood fired hot tub, so Luke has to chop some wood to feed the fire and then strip down to be ogled by J. But…it turns out they got it too hot. Luke tells J that he grew up on a ranch J responds “you wouldn’t know that by looking at you” how should he look J? Of course there is making out. 

Back to the house and the show spends a lot of time panning the camera up and down Chad's shirtless torso while cutting to video of a bear with Chad talking in the background and saying "don't poke the Chad bear." The group date card shows up which leaves just Alex and Chad to go on the 2 on one date...dun dun dunnnnnn. 

Back to the date J says 'like' a lot, I have spotted that recently I have been saying 'like' more than I would like to (couldn't resist) and I think the culprit was last season's Bachelor and this podcast that I listen to where one of the hosts says "like" every other sentence. I have consciously started to remove 'like' from my vocabulary, and attempting to substitute pretty much anything for it. 

Luke shares his 'sob story' his is an actual sad story unlike so many of the other guys, (unless he is faking it, and I do not want to look it up to find out) someone he was close to in the military died. He of course gets the rose. J says "I have one more surprise" which musical act that no one knows is it going to be? J takes him to a concert hall where there is an adoring crowd with all their camera phones trained on them and they get on the concert stage to start making out while 'Dan+Shay' perform for them (these guys at least went to number 1 on the country charts). 

Group Date
The guys get to go to Heinz Field and they get to meet Ben Roethlisberger (cool I guess, but I cannot especially on a show like this forget that he has been accused of sexual assault, not just once but twice) Brett Keisel and Hines Ward so that they can show off their manly skills. The guys run through skills tests and bash each other around, James Faker suffers a split eye and while the medic recommends stitches James refuses because he doesn't want to lose time on the date...blood is streaming down his face. 

Back to the house and Luke is sitting in between Alex and Chad and there is palpable tension. 

Back on the date the guys are squared off into 2 teams Evan appears to be spending more time on his 'look' than on his preparation for the game. Aaron Rodger's little brother gets to play all time QB which of course makes sense and locks him into getting to go to the after party no matter what. Blue team was the clear under dog with Evan (who started bleeding again), James, Vinny et al and they came back from losing to tying the game and with 6 seconds left the White team has the ball and is driving into the end zone when Blue strips the ball and takes it in for a last second touch down and win. 

The losing team had to return home while the winner get evening time with J. J appears to kiss every guy that she gets alone time with, impressive. J is clearly smitten by Aaron Rodger's little brother whom she considers an enigma which of course leads to kissing. Jordan 'earns' the date rose. 

The date card arrives and Chad blows up at the other guys after they question him about his reasons for wanting to be with J. He starts yelling at guys and telling them to meet him outside (if you want to fight just fight, do not posture). 

Two on one date:

Before the date begins the guys are talking about Chad behind his back but he hears them and he goes OFF: "Jordan you think this is a show and you think you are safe for now, but one day this ends and when this ends you go home. When you go home, you think I cannot find you? You think I wont go out of my way to come to your house? I am dead f$%king serious.” "You think I am scared of you?" "I think you should be." Whew I thought I was the only person that harbored that kind of willingness to wait for prey! All the other guys are sitting on a long L shaped couch and Chad is sitting behind them on a solo seat just staring at them all.

The helicopter budget finally kicks in for this episode and comes to pick up the 2 Alpha Bros for the date.

After a long hike the 3 daters awkwardly share a picnic blanket so J first takes Alex aside to talk to him,
Alex starts to fill J in on all the aggression that Chad has shared with the group - normally I think it is a bad move to speak about your opponents during your time, but in this case if you can communicate it quickly and calmly to the person who asked the question and just not linger on it it is probably fine. 

Chad's time with J has her trying to initially figure out whether what the guys have said about Chad is true. J asks Chad if he threatened to find Jordan after the show, Chad tries to downplay it even smiling. J says she is disappointed in Chad because she gave him a second chance, she says that threatening to beat someone up is not the move and Chad with a straight face replies "so that they would leave me alone...if you have a better way I would love to hear it." yup that is the best plan Chad always threaten to kill peeps who annoy you. And you sell luxury homes for a living?

J walks off because she says she needs time to think...about this? J keeps saying that the fact that Chad's mom passed away six months ago is the reason that this is a struggle for her. Chad says he has no option left because Alex keeps getting in his business, so we see Chad stalking through the woods to go back to find Alex on the picnic blanket while whistling: He lies down on the blanket and then says to Alex "I am not mad at you, I am just disappointed....It is just unfortunate that I cannot hurt you right now without getting in trouble." Chad:"Have a glass of milk" Alex: "I don't like milk" "You should, milk is delicious." This really was a part of their argument. By the way, milk is really delicious.

Alex “Chad is a fake disingenuing person” the word is disingenuous bro, but I give you points for trying to get close!

J finally says "Chad I don't think that you are the person that you say you are" so she gives the rose to Alex and in franchise tradition they leave him out in the woods. Chad asks out loud "is this real? Am I getting punked right now?" The guys in the house when seeing whose luggage is removed start cheering and toasting. Back to the woods and it is now dark instead of light and we see Chad still stomping around, makes me wonder if he told the show I am going to walk off this anger...he says to the Camera "now I am going to have to go and find Alex" to beat him up...turns out Chad walked all the way up to the cabin where the guys are staying? Didn't they fly a helicopter to the hike? Chad is seeing knocking on the door and running his fingers down the glass pane. The dreaded 'to be continued' comes up!

The Blooper reel has Daniel and Evan walking to the hot tub Daniel tricks Evan into thinking he is going to go in nude, it is a well done prank and better than I would ever have given him credit for.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.