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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bachelorette review where "you got Knocked the F out"

I came home today from Vegas and I am hurting...
On top of that my cable was down for some reason (yes my bill is paid) thankfully rebooting the box took care of that, but not before I started planning which friend's home I might have to head to so that I could see this terribly stupidly horribly addicting show before my 'friends' spoil it for me tomorrow. I would tell you more about the Vegas weekend but what happens there...

A quick hit; after last week's "This season on" promo there was a tonne of Slut-shaming of Kaitlyn (K) and then shaming of the slut-shamers. Can we slow down on both camps? A. the show always makes the edit on those promos look worse/better than you would expect and B. let's cross that bridge when it comes, can we wait till we actually know what happened before we raise righteous indignation in both camps?

Tonight's show starts with us pretending that K is just getting out of bed, mysteriously she already has makeup on...and seems like she is wearing way too much clothing.

For now all the guys are chummy, toasting each other and sharing secrets. We cut to Britt crying (nothing new) in her hotel room and talking to her mom...I listened to a podcast with Britt and K (I swear I do not seek out Bach material, it was just part of my regular sports podcast network) Britt mentioned that she does cry alot then admitted that she is not a regular shower-er and takes 'bird baths.' - that is nasty. Brady the songwriter who walked off the rose ceremony to go and meet Britt is knocking on her door, Britt is not a good enough actress to act surprised to see him.

It's group date time:
JJ - Former investment Banker: Does that just mean unemployed? Claims none of the guys are a challenge.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT KFC AD? Colonel Sanders is back and looking like he still owns slaves, did they just have a Dixie land band of all white children play the ad off? I am so confused and a bit creeped out.

The group date is a boxing event, we have Laila Ali training K (who is in a sexy gym outfit - like a typical boxer) and the guys.
"we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!" (Photo: ABC)
Kupah is so focused on training he forgets to hang out and flirt with K, to the point that K forgot he was on the date.
We get the slow mo walk and dramatic music for the guys entrances to the main area infront of a crowd of ladies.

The first fight is Ben Z vs Daniel, there is a 30lb weight difference, yet Daniel holds his own fairly well for a man that outmatched. Most of these fights are brawls, there is no sweet science here. Ben Z is mowing through his competition and Jared is the surprise challenger in the final - this is now a 50lb weight difference, the only thing shocking about this fight is that Jared was able to remember his name at the end of the episode, he takes some brutal (if not well thrown) punches and is knocked down, but to his credit not out! The show pretends to be concerned about him - if they had been, there is no way this fight would have happened.

K tells us her biggest fear going into the date was someone getting hurt...but yet they did it! Apparently I was not the only one annoyed/bothered by this, E texted me after the show to announce her displeasure with this hypocrisy. Jared took such a beating that he is not available for the evening portion. K pretends that she is concerned about Jared but instead slobbers over the victor Ben Z. K talks to Ben Z first, to the victor goes the spoils and Ben immediately plays the sympathy card, telling K about his mom passing away when he was 14, I know it was/is sad for him, but that was at least 10 years ago, I am sure the story could have waited a bit!

In the middle of the dates K gets a mysterious note "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you." Turns out it was from Jared who gets some alone time with K and gets in the first kiss of the episode ONE! K for all of our mocking of Farmer Chris last season is very enthusiastic about her kisses.

Cut to the house Clint gets the first one on one date card...JJ remains "completely unfazed."

Ben gets the group date rose, playing the dead-card seems to have worked, I still find it gross.

One on One date:
Clint is the guy who drew the image of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and charmed K on the first night. For their date they are going to do an underwater photo shoot. In order to get 'ready' for the photo shoot the photo conceptualist requires that Clint and K connect spiritually; they combine stretches with staring into each others eyes and hands over hearts.

Back to the house and the healer is telling us that fighting for K in the boxing match was ridiculous, I agree with him, he then goes off on tangents about nature etc and we part ways.

K and Clint take some underwater photos, and then kiss underwater TWO.

Back to the house, the healer is asking one of the other guys for advice on K but accidentally calls her Britt, I think he might be a fan of 'self medicating.'

Clint gets the one on one rose...K says a lot of things which are just precursors to kissing, she goes in for the kill...I still love you K.

E sent me this and asked if it is a nipple on his neck...I cannot unsee it

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)
2nd group date and Amy Schumer shows up to show us that the power of self promotion and money over comes all...this is the type of show she should be skewering not being on, but then again I write about it soooooo yeah! The guys are put on the spot to immediately tell a joke, I feel nothing but empathy for them, (I think I am a pretty funny guy but I hate being told to tell jokes) having to come up with a joke on the spot is difficult.

JJ claims his pick up line is to tell girls that he has a kid and lives with his parents...see above re 'Former.' Amy Schumer schools JJ so bad, but he is too obnoxiously self absorbed to realize that he has been burned.

The guys are actually not bad overall as a group until Tony the healer, who takes the mic and tries to inspire the audience through his words - he left the stage looking like a crime scene. JJ mocks Tony in his set, he is trying hard to be the villain of this season or they could just be editing him this way, after all it would be hard to NOT mock Tony if you followed him to the stage. Every time Tony talks all the guys roll their eyes, JJ just rolls his twice. Tony keeps telling us that he has been training for this (the show? falling in love? drinking?) his whole life. On his one and one he decides to tell K that he really wanted Britt, but tells K that she has impressed him and that she is like a combination lock he does some very creepy motions in the air with his fingers.
the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

JJ wins a kiss on his one on one time by bringing up his daughter THREE. K "thank you for doing that." She really really really loves kissing. JJ "I would put 50 grand on my winning the rose tonight" Just as he says that we see Joe making out with K outside FOUR! JJ wins the rose but...betting money like that is probably why you are a former Investment banker'.

The guys have a gentleman's agreement that the men who didn't have time to go on dates with K would get first crack at her...JJ immediately ignores that and takes K away from the group for alone time despite having a rose that means he is safe. JJ returns to the group pea-cocking and declaring "sorry I am not sorry," to the camera he says "More than anything right now I'm feeling just smugness wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence..." So my question above re whether it was the edit or his desire to look like the bad guy has been answered.

Ian tells K about the car accident that took him out and nearly ended his hope of ever walking much less running again, the personal story of course leads to yup you guessed it FIVE!!!

JJ keeps prodding Tony trying to get him to crack and go home. Kupah says out loud something I thought they might edit out, he notes that he does not just want to be the "minority guy that fills a quota." The JJ strain is getting to him and he starts to question K in a way that is a little too aggressive, questioning her, saying silly things like he does not think there is a connection between them...K responds "To be honest I actually felt a connection up until right now."

I don't want to give JJ too much credit but I do think his needling of Kupah put him in the dumb head space that caused that terrible conversation...BUT, he compounds it, after K tells him that she is going to need some time to think about the conversation they were having he loudly starts to tell the other guys about what happened and stupidly editoralizes it out loud with his impressions, unfortunately for him K is just around the corner and can hear everything he is saying, including his mockery (I should point out, he appears to be drinking heavily at this point) so she tells him he needs to go home immediately no need to wait for a rose ceremony. His exit interview is boisterous and leads us to a "to be continued."

All show they have been teasing a blossoming relationship with Brady and Britt, he asks her to be his girl and she says yes Kiss count SIX (does this one count?).
 The promos for that moment were longer than the actual product shown.
 Oh well, at least Britt continues to do her part to help Cali through our current drought.

Can we stop getting the 'to be continued' bad edits?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Bachelorette 2nd night recap, hey girl, no not you, your friend that was standing beside you!

Before we continue this extravaganza let's take a moment to review last night, we had 2 Bachelorettes, a bunch of dorks and one guy that made me so uncomfortable watching his actions that I was genuinely concerned he was getting close to a date rape.

I tried hard to analyze the guys last night and I came to the conclusion that many of these guys remind me of this 'friend' I have, he makes everyone around him uncomfortable, girls who know him refuse to go home with him even though no one expects him to do anything but there is just an awkward feeling. He is one of those guys that the more you get to know him the more you dislike him. The majority of my friends hate him to the point that they wonder why we still hang out, most of the peeps in my social sphere have requested that I warn them if he will be at a party or bar before they show up...he reminds me of a tonne of the guys on this show. They probably have a few really good friends, but the majority of people in their social sphere probably secretly (or not so secretly) hate their guts and leave parties a lot faster when 'that guy' shows up.

On to the circus:
Last night we left off with Britt being the more confident of the 2, this show loves to try to swerve us so... I have been predicting Kaitlyn (K...yes I am too lazy to type her full name every time) since the announcement at the end of the Bachelor and I will hold fast to that.

Chris walks in to tell Britt in an unnecessarily slow and cruel manner that she is not the Bachelorette, there is no good way to tell someone this but "the majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with um Britt, unfortunately you are not going to be the Bachelorette" THAT IS SOME AWKWARD ASS MESS! This show as I dubbed it last night has truly become the Ratchette. Not only are you booting Britt but you had to make sure she DEFINITELY knows "THEY DO NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU" the harshness of this is foolish and takes the sheen off an already fading rose.

To throw some more salt in the wound and to remind us she was rejected in the grand tradition of this show, Britt has to leave in a limo and do a backseat interview like the typically let go contestants have to. ABC pipes in some slow sedate music with a featured piano to let you know this moment is sad...stuff it producers.

Chris tells K that she is now the Ratchette for this season, they share an awkward hug

and then Chris reminds K that "the job" of the Ratchette is to go and cull the herd so she still has to go through a rose ceremony. I am helping my friend with his business proposal while watching this...I think that I should commit to one or the other, but I just cannot commit full brain potential to this show.

The healer is having a hard time with the cocktail party, he claims he came in with the intention of devoting himself to Kaitlyn then he met Britt and his heart moved to her and now he does not know what to do...let me help - GET A JOB HIPPY.

One idiot tells K that he voted for Britt, she tells him that she is very happy he told her that, I would have taken that secret to my way she can ever marry you now.

 Other idiots are telling/reminding the other guys that they too voted for Britt. Why? This is why women so often call men dumb - these moments.

One guy plays the shy guy role then moves in for the kiss I knew he was faking that routine. KISS COUNT ONE.

K keeps repeating the part of the show that I hate; she now has to wonder how many of the guys are disappointed that she is there. It would be like going to a party and then realizing that they meant to invite your dad who has the exact same name as you...NOT A PERSONAL STORY...I swear...just because my dad and I have the exact same name does not mean this story is PERSONAL...I SWEAR

K in her way while presenting the first impression rose tells Shawn that she is really attracted to him. KISS COUNT TWO. She becomes really giddy...oh just watch the clip, my love for her is gone!

The rose ceremony begins and I am trying to see how fatigued the guys get while this process goes on, I know this thing takes awhile and you can see so many of these guys have the bloodshot eyes with circles that are always a dead giveaway of drinking and late nights (it is a bit harder to tell on about 2-3 guys but I leave you to guess why). The healer gets a rose, guess the spirits told him to stay. As is now becoming a tradition on these shows, someone breaks rank and asks K to talk to him in private.
The guys left behind are wondering if he is trying to talk his way into a rose, but instead he is telling K that he is leaving and going off to find Britt.

Chris tells him that he will help him to find Britt...makes me wonder if there is going to be a side plot to this season with guys going to find Britt wherever she is or any time that K cuts them. Could Britt be running a bootleg side Ratchette only show as the real show continues on TV...This could be a thing people, let's make it happen.

The idiot that told K that he voted for Britt actually got a rose, K you sadden me girl, has this show already infected you? Was it the look?

You can tell the show went on for a bloody long time because as the rejected suitors leave it is bright daylight outside.
The law student stripper got booted - I take great joy in that!

The season on promo shows a lot of aggression and a lot of kissing and Nick V showing up to extend his 15 minutes of fame.

Just like that my crush on her gets crushed completely (I know you see what I did there)

We also get a hint that K may be hooked up before the fantasy suite, nope no may be...they actually show it - K tells us and the guys that she had sex with one of them.

We end with Brady travelling to Britt's door to knock on it and week. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette recap, feminism gets set back and decency gets patted on the fanny

Sometimes my friends tease me about my sexuality and my masculinity, especially on the nights or days I discuss the Bachelor/Bachelorette properties, the jokes do not bother me in the least, I am secure in myself and the teasing often comes from the weak minded who cannot find more inventive ways to mock me. BUT, on nights like this, nights like this I definitely give them fodder. Not only was I tricked by two young ladies into not going to see the Avengers movie, I instead saw PITCH PERFECT 2; on the same night that I loudly declared that I could not wait to see the Bachelorette (Ratchette); on the same day that a young lady was mocking my decision to walk a mile to the store to get a couple new tubs of ice cream so that I would have something good to eat while watching the 'Ratchette' yup, these are the nights I make it easy. But as the young ladies said "At least you redeemed yourself" when I jump started their car without having to look it up on the internet like a MACHO MACHO MACHO MAN!!! Yeah buddy, CaliJ is Back!

Let's get to the Ratchette premiere there will be 2 days of this Ratchet Mess so please, pace yourself, make sure you have enough ice cream and coconut water and most importantly turn your snark detectors up high!
(oh and because I know you are curious, I have 2 scoops each of Caramel praline and Butter Pecan and 1 scoop of french vanilla in a salad bowl...I earned it, I caused electricity to flow)

What does Chris Harrison do during the 'off season' does he just randomly walk into rooms and repeat obvious things to keep his skills sharp? Does he go to kids' parties count the candles on the cake and announce "Ladies and gentlemen there are 5 candles on the cake, this means that little Jimmy will be turning 5 today."

Before we get into the meat of the show: I guess no more than two black guys, if any.
Chris tells us that part of the reason we have 2 women to be treated like meat tonight is because ABC interviewed the men and they could not decide on which woman to have as the main Ratchette.
“How did this happen? Well, when we were interviewing the men who wanted to come on the show, they were truly divided as to which girl they thought they could fall in love with,” Harrison said. “Since the feelings were so strongly split, it seemed unfair to make that decision for the men. Instead, we thought it would be best to have the men meet both women, and then have them decide whether Britt and Kaitlyn should ultimately become the bachelorette.” I wonder if they do this for the Bachelor (I need an insulting term for that for gender equality the Ratchelor does not seem as fun but maybe it will grow on me)...I doubt that seriously, this is sexist and gross (and I am still going to watch it). I would probably take much of this back if they do it when the Ratchelor premiers next season but still there is something mean about having a person rejected once on national TV and then immediately do it to them again by having a group of men/women say "we prefer the other person."

We start with THE BLACK GUY, (light skinned) did ABC hear all the backlash from people looking at the 'cast' line up and figure, lets just show him first, I was with him right up until he said his preference would be Britt! He has a 5 year old son, I now want to know if this will come up alot this season, wait who am I kidding no black guy lasts long into the season.

There is a former law student that is allegedly studying for the bar, I say allegedly because his back story has him working as a stripper (hey we all gotta pay bills) and then obviously appearing on this show. NO ONE STUDYING FOR THE BAR CAN BE ON THIS SHOW...that is a fact, not opinion.

We have a guy that might be black...? I was leaning to just swarthy, but then he ran track, which is of course a stereotype, but its this show, sooooo I just do not know. I feel like a producer saw him and thought 'ambiguous enough race and he runs? This will work.'

Some of these jobs...
Look I hate being an elitist, I do not think I should judge the jobs of others, I live my life by the Mantra "I never judge I ridicule" BUT, Healer is NOT A JOB damn it, that is NOT A JOB.
Here he is with his plants...

I know you are as shocked as I am that it was not weed

The ladies arrive and my crush on Kaitlyn resumes, I still think Britt is an actress looking to use this to jump start her career not her love life.
They are forced to stand side by (not quite) side

 The black guy (yes I know I should learn his name) zeroes in on Britt and apparently Britt is feeling him. Most of the guys are going directly to Britt, it feels foolish to me, I think I would stand in the middle and ask them both to converge on me or ask them if I could flip a coin or do a group hug or something because 'picking one' seems risky especially if the other one becomes the Ratchette. Watching Kaitlyn come close to tears as guy after guy goes to Britt strengthens my belief that this is cruel (I hope I would feel the same if it was all going the other way too).

JJ is listed as 'Former Investment Banker' I am bloody curious as to 'Former' he then tells Kaitlyn while pulling out a Hockey puck and playing on her Canadian status "I would love to puck you."

As more and more guys start going towards Kaitlyn she is loosening up.

The Law Student/Exotic dancer gets out of the limo and starts I am sure you guessed it STRIPPING, I really hate that he has the word Law attached anywhere to him. Kaitlyn immediately lets us know that Britt can have him...not a great strategy dude.

Britt expresses jealousy that some of the guys have brought gifts for Kaitlyn then we immediately cut to a guy handing her a package of tissues because she was the crying girl last season. I agree with Britt, reminding her and the world that she was the crying girl was not very smooth, the guy might not have meant any malice behind it, but it was definitely not smooth. Kaitlyn seeing the package asks "what is that, soap or tissues?" I really hope she is making a reference to the fact that last season we were told that Britt NEVER showers.

Kaitlyn takes a break from the Cattle Call line up and runs inside to say hi to the gathered guys, Britt claims it is disrespectful and that Kaitlyn is not playing by the rules.
(I just had to put my phone on 'Do not disturb' I am getting texts from multiple friends asking me about the show and potentially providing spoilers...I need to reexamine my life)

A guy named Ryan (Who dated Bachelor Juan Pablo's winner Nikki, soak that in ) has gotten sauced - he keeps declaring "I am horned up" I really hope he is not suggesting that he is horny, one would would hope that he was smarter than that...he does not seem like he is.

Another guy pulls up in a hot tub car (completely filled with water 'the Carpool Deville') to which Ryan loudly declared "That car sucks" the ladies are horrified by Ryan's outburst especially since both loved the hot tub car. By the way the guy in the hot tub car is an "Amateur Sex Coach"...yeah

We have gotten to the gimmick vehicle portion of the night, the next guy rolls up in a cupcake bike/car/whatever.

The black guy says out loud while trying to figure out the logistics of the situation with choosing between both ladies "Or maybe... we will have to move to Utah or something like that and have a dual wedding."

Kaitlyn starts with a joke and Britt starts with an emotional appeal...sigh. So many of the guys (the simple ones) are amazed by Britt's 'sincerity'.

Some of the guys are fairly smooth in their approaches in their one on ones, including a guy who pulls out a portrait frame with the portrait hidden and tells Kaitlyn that he drew it while hoping "this person would be on" the show; he tells Kaitlyn "No disrespect" which of course leads her to guess it is going to be Britt, he reveals the portrait and it is of course...Chris Harrison riding a triceratops - well done sir.

As Chris is explaining to the guys that the voting room is now open and the guys can vote the 'Healer' gets up while the trio is still up there and goes to the voting room, he claims the energy coming off of Britt's Box (cue juvenile laughter) lets him know that he has to vote Britt, I claim this man might actually be homeless and crazy.
I hate that I kind of like these boxes

A guy asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos and she points out that Chris S all of last season never once asked her about her tattoos hate to say it girl but he was "just not that into you."

Drunk Ryan "Is this the gay Bachelor?" He is quickly becoming the guy that may lose his job after this show. [If he has a job] The Amateur Sex Coach pulls him aside to ask Ryan why he yelled at him about his car, Ryan does not remember doing it, he then becomes a bit more aggressive but nothing 'good' happens.

A few of the guys had to rescue the girls from Ryan, he gets more than a little handsy, slapping Kaitlyn on the buttocks, holding Britt's head, calling the girls "a couple hos" outside of their presence. He then gets all the way down to his skivvies and enters the pool he then stumbles around the house in his skivvies bumping into things, falling and doing the most sacrilegious thing in the Bach/ house disrespecting throwing a rose.

 When a guy confronts him and asks why his shirt is off (a perfectly reasonable question) Ryan responds with "Why am I not raping you right now?" Seriously that is a response you give to anyone any time?
Kupah (I am going to say he is black) points out that Ryan may have bad motivations to go to the house and become "drunk, or hammer or white boy are not setting yourself up to have a long term stay here."

A security guard comes for Ryan and tells him that Chris Harrison would like to talk to him outside. Chris tells Ryan that he is clearly not here for any of the girls so he has to leave, that seems to sober him up just slightly enough for him to mutter a "sorry" but that is it, his time is done.

Turns out the guy with the tissues was trying to be mean to Britt...not cool dude (and I say this as a person who likes Kaitlyn more).

Chris lets us know the votes are in and a security guy gets some shine time,

ABC News Videos | ABC Entertainment News
 so many of the guys are loudly declaring who they voted for, it seems foolish to me to do such a thing, none of these guys are your friends and when the next day arrives they will snitch to the girl you didn't vote for.
We of course do not find out who the girl is because...we have another night to fill.
In the bloopers we see the amateur sex coach telling Britt about his job, she is cracking up as he continues to explain that he has not worked "with 2 humans" so because he has not yet worked with anyone yet, he is not going to try to teach others...AMATEUR
BUT he did give some great advice - "When you get those anal toys, just make sure they don't get stuck in your bowels."

Bonus -
The Clorox 'bleachable' moment:

Ryan was passed out for part of the evening

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.