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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Bachelor recap, or Twin Magic cannot survive Vegas.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Bachelor recap or...“Jubilee thinks she is queen bee”

One of my friends has accused me of being like these guys:

Before I even got to the show (West coast living) I saw that it was trending on twitter…hopefully it is a good one…I firmly expect Obvious Man Chris Harrison OMCH to tell us that it is the most exciting/dramatic/intense episode ever.

Oh what is this? In the upcoming scenes we see Lace telling us that “I am not a bad person” has she switched from “I am not crazy” to “I am not bad”?

Some of the girls gossiping tell us that Olivia says she has spent $40,000 on clothes; is this lifetime? Is this in the last year? Since she has started earning income? For the show? I really want to know.

Jubilee tells us that if she gets the one on one date it will be the happiest moment of her life. Did I tell you she is a soldier? This would be the happiest moment? Hmm

Lauren B gets the one on one:

She is a flight attendant but is nervous about getting into a biplane with Ben, a reasonable fear. They share a few kisses as the plane goes along the coast line, they do a flyby of the mansion and the girls who were left behind stare with envy. They fly out to a remote location while Lauren B’s voice over tells us that she is not a fan of things she is not used to…she is on the Bachelor. They come upon a Jacuzzi brand (camera made sure to zoom in) hot tub in the middle of nowhere – because this is real life! Oh and of course they both have swimsuits available. Lots more kissing and no conversation of substance…so we cut back to the house and one of the girls Caila I think is breaking down into tears because of the situation she is in; please remember this is just Episode 3!

Dinner time for the one on one:

I hate that I notice this but, Lauren B is a lot more dressed up than Ben. She is wearing a lace dress and he decided to wear his fanciest V neck sweater. Back to the house, Rachel is really hoping she gets a date card and I notice the chyron shows her as ‘Unemployed’ that probably makes her one of the most honest persons in the house since I doubt many of the jobs they list, but that is just me. Back to the boring date where Lauren pretends that she didn’t know what she meant when she said she would love to meet Ben’s parents.

Tonight’s musical act that no one knows is Lucy Angel and Ben has to force the words “I am listening to the words of this song about a girl changing me and I am thinking about how this girl could change me” or something very close…Ben you are a trooper for following that script.

Group date:

The girls will be playing football with Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara from the US Women’s National team – the girls pretend to know who they are. I swear I do, but that is only because I love the sport, I cannot believe that the girls knew Kelly O’Hara!

Flash back to the house and now Jubilee is also crying that she is falling for Ben and is worried that he will not like her type.

OMCH shows up to tell the girls they will be divided into teams with the winning team getting to remain on the date with Ben.

Lace is the goal keeper for Team Stripes, she tells us after Team Stars has scored that she didn’t know she could use her hands…I think someone needs to fire the coach! Emily is the goalie for Stars and she is actually pretty good I am sure her twin is not very happy about this. Ben tells us that the women are “playing so aggressively” (because he couldn’t say they are playing “well”). Rachel gets injured but elects to stay in and Olivia tells us that she is going to take advantage of it…she plays the mean girl so well. Amber scores the winning goal, trying to make up for last week’s athletic failures nah girl, we aint forgetting that you got smoked in that foot race!

The losing team has to return to the mansion and Shushanna literally picks up the injured Rachel and carries her in…damn girl, call me!

Evening portion Group Date:

Olivia takes Ben away first and takes him up to a hotel room and then waves from the balcony to the girls below. Olivia talks to Ben and humble brags to him that the other girls do not like her because she is winning…it leads to kissing. The girls down below start making fun of Olivia; her toes, her breath, her breasts - Jami starts to tell Olivia that the girls were picking her apart and Olivia starts to offer up body parts, “My calves?” “My cankles?” the girl finally tells her “your toes” but I really wish she hadn’t because I wanted to see how far this could have gone.

Back to the house – Jubilee gets the one on one date card and freaks out – Guess she was not the calm one on the battlefield, cause you know she is a War Veteran.

Lace calls the whole experience “really crazy”…aw girl, awareness! Amber goes in for the kill and gets her kiss and thanks Ben for it…it works she gets the rose and tells us this is the first time she has ever been safe at a rose ceremony, a fulfilled life is all about little victories. Olivia tells us that she knows that even though she didn’t get the rose she knows she is safe because to get up Ben had to use her leg to push off – so she is safe and I guess any couch that Ben ever sits on!

Jubilee one on one date time:

Jubilee is pointing out that Ben is late and the other girls are looking at her with shock. Jami does a good impression of Jubilee and it is then I notice something about Jami…

The Bachelor’s helicopter budget kicks in and a helicopter arrives for Jubilee and she tells us that she is afraid of heights she then asks out loud “Does anyone else want to go on my date?” This pisses the other girls off “That was really offensive.”  Because you know no one should ever, ever turn down these opportunities...or even joke about doing so I guess. They fly to the Cal-a-Vie health spa: Jubilee tries caviar and well let’s just say she reacted like the food was trying to climb its way out of her throat. Ben asks her if she is adventurous with food, she responds “I am adventurous but not with food.” Her favorite food is apparently hotdogs! I stared hard and rewound to see if this was a double entendre, sadly I do not think either of them is witty enough (basic juvenile humor as that would be) or smart enough to do that. Jubilee tells Ben that she was over-joyed to get the date card. Ben says there is something about her that he is attracted to: We then see Jubilee from behind as they walk to a table – I think I see it too Ben. Jubilee in competition tells Ben “I am not playing white boy” she is nervous as to how he is going to react to that statement and tells him so while they are in a hot tub since we have to get as many girls in bikinis as possible. He reacts with a  laugh and a kiss…she is in.

Evening portion:

Jubilee continues to be more nervous than a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs (couldn’t resist). Jubilee had previously told Ben that she couldn’t go back to Haiti to face her past and Ben of course thinks a first date is the best place to bring this back up. Basically “tell me about why you are an orphan” which is what Jubilee points out by saying “I am the only surviving person that I know of with my bloodline.” I guess Ben is trying to be sweet but damn son who does that? Would you meet Bruce Wayne and say “tell me about the night your parents died in the alley oh and thanks for inviting me on this first date, pass the calamari”?

In Bachelor tradition a horrible personal story is revealed and a rose is received, by now we all understand the parameters of this transaction.

The next morning girls are shocked that Jubilee is back and continue to misuse the word “literally.” They should meet some of my coworkers “literally”, literally feels like their favorite word.

Cocktail Party time:

Amber now that she has a rose feels safe in critiquing more. Ben starts the cocktail party off with telling the girls that he received a phone call from back home letting him know that 2 peeps his family was close to have died in a plane crash. He continues the trend from the night before of adding dampers to fun events. As he finishes telling the girls about his family’s pain Olivia takes him aside to tell Ben that she knows that some people make fun of her appearance and her cankles she says “blogs have been written about them.” The look Ben gave her was as close to a “bitch please” as a gentleman’s expression can get. Olivia pro tip, when someone is going through emotional trauma the thing they care least about is a hot girl talking about her ‘flaws’.

Some of the girls ask Jubilee what she is thinking about and she says “ways to make him feel better” even this angers the girls some more. Jubilee takes Ben aside to give him a massage to make him “feel better” the other girls spot this and go nuts “She already has a rose” etc. etc. Jubilee seems genuine in her intentions here – before you read that and think Cali J is a sucker and fell for a reality show trick I mean just for this brief instant and in the context of the show. Yes I know she knows that doing this helps her standing but it still is not ‘the worst thing’ as the girls make it seem.

Jami “Jubilee thinks she is queen bee” Gucci Mane please answer for Jubilee:

Amber thinks the girls need to talk to Jubilee and appoints herself as the one to talk to her and bring her to the rest of the group. Amber girl WHYYYYYYY? Amber  cannot convince Jubes (I do like that they call her that) to come to the group so she goes back and tells the group that they now have to go to her which of course makes the group think that she actually summoned them – not true but of course Jubes is not there to tell them herself. Jubes on her way to go upstairs to cry says “I don’t know what you guys think you are doing but it aint cute” I love that. Amber keeps playing the victim, I do not get it…then goes to talk to Jubes and Ben while Ben is comforting Jubes. Amber then calls Jubes out for what she said as she left for her date “Anyone else want my date” Jubes points out to Amber that it was a joke, both Jubes and Ben know it was a joke but Amber keeps insisting that it was insulting.

If that last paragraph left your head spinning then I think you probably just got a quick picture into the mind of Amber because I cannot imagine her brain has linear thoughts.

Ben sinks into a couch and says “no more drama” as soon as that is heard, here comes Lace to pull him aside to talk. Through the tears Lace says “going home might just be easier…Like my tattoo says you cannot love someone else until you truly love yourself” WHEN YOU QUOTE YOUR OWN TATTOO IT IS NOT A REASONABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION! Lace eliminates herself, does that mean the latest cheque from the producers didn’t clear? I am also going to guess that this is why the show was trending on Twitter. Anyone else really, really, REALLY wondering where on her body that quote is?

OMCH walks in to say “heavy night in here” this is why he owns the moniker OMCH!

Rose ceremony time: and we hear a lot from Olivia expressing her confidence that she is getting a rose, she starts to get less and less confident and says “I am going to stick with the saving the best for last concept.” She turns out to be right but not before having to sweat it all the way out. Shushanna is let go and while I liked her, the whole I do not speak English at the start gimmick probably hurt her. Jami gets booted…that might be because you snitched to Olivia girl, the code of the streets remains true! Jami tells us repeatedly that she does not trust humans and she is now going to start adopting cats…too soon!

Olivia continues to try to read into non-verbal cues “I feel really really strongly about my connection with Ben we kind of have this unspoken thing…when I got that last rose he just squeezed my waist a little bit and to me that was him saying that he cannot give me everything all the time but he knows that I can handle that…it is just the little things he gives me to let me know we are on the same wavelength.” Yeah you might be on the same wavelength but you are in Cuckoo land and he is in America. Olivia says “he is my man at this point.” I love these girls.


Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Bachelor episode 2 Recap or I learn the proper name of a hair clip.

The promo for tonight shows Ice Cube and Kevin Hart showing up for tonight’s moment of promotional synergy, this is the new normal…

Lace gets named in the first date card and has to tell us that she is “not a crazy girl at all” aww girl if you have to say that in every clip we see, I hates to tell you!

The group date has the girls going back to school and I criminally think, most of these girls are probably going to spend the most time they have ever spent on the school grounds in one day today. Lace and the black girl are teamed together, the black girl (okay okay I will try to learn her name but it is kind of how they tell you to not become attached to things you know will not be around for long…) claims that she will be the brawn, have I told you yet in this blog that she used to be in the military? SHE USED TO BE IN THE MILITARY and that Lace will be the brains “hopefully the brains” they try to high five, it does not go well. Jubilee (told you I would learn it) tells us that Lace may not be able to read because she could not read the instructions for making their foaming volcano. Jubilee has quickly learned that Lace is not the brains of any operation.

The next challenge is simple and foolish, transfer an apple without using your hands, the next has the girls looking at a pile of shapes and an empty map of the U.S. and having to figure out which one shape belongs on the map (it is a shape of Indiana) I would have failed this, but I am not American, I barely look at the map now and I never had to study it. Actually I take that back, looking at the shapes I know that I would have picked Indiana but I am not sure that I would have placed it correctly…I do not do fly over states…yeah yeah I said it.

The next challenge is shooting a free throw. Now while my free throw accuracy is barely better than Shaq’s these girls couldn’t hit the side of a barn from 5 paces. Now…the team with the next darkest girl (remember Jubilee is gone) wins the basketball game, I am not saying…I am just saying. The team members then have to compete against each other to see which one of them will win so it is Mandy vs Amber and they have to run and jump over some mini hurdles to see who will be ‘homecoming queen.’ So uhmmm the lighter skinned girl won…wait what? Let me watch that again, nope Mandy definitely won and by a lot…Amber is that really just a tan?

It is the evening portion of the date: Lace already has ‘crazy eyes’ as they sit down at the couch, was she drinking in the van? Becca is the first to pull Ben aside, she is as pretty as I remember but she is just NOT my type, there is something about her that I know I could not date; I think I do not trust her.
Ben kisses Jennifer during their one on one and she immediately comes back and tells the other girls. Lace gets even angrier, my coworker and I have been discussing how quickly men label women crazy, she hates it, I hate it too…we both agree Lace is crazy!

Back to the house: Caila gets the one on one date card, and it is at this moment that I realize that she looks like she is 12.

Back to the group date: Lace steals Ben away from another girl’s time with him. Lace apologizes to him for the night before and is happy that Ben is looking her in the eyes. Lace claims that they are “eye f^#$ing” and about to kiss but then Jubilee interrupts, I don’t know if you know this but she was in the military so she is used to risky situations but that is not a risk I would take!

Jubilee was born in Haiti, girl you Caribbean? I like you more, and I don’t want to because well, see above. Jubilee was in an orphanage for a while before she was adopted...that story got her a kiss, a pretty good one too. Lace says Jubilee stole her time with Ben and accuses her of sucking face. Lace calls all the girls bitches and walks off to go talk to Ben again so she breaks into another girl’s time. Lace comes back and the girls are clearly aggravated with her but she puts an invisible wall up complete with hand gestures. Ben comes and picks up Jojo for a special view of the city they share a kiss and she tells us that she has 100% developed feelings for Ben…this is night two…she earns the date’s rose.

Caila’s one on one date will be a ‘Ride Along’ (2) with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube - Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) lets us know that the date will be a ‘Ride Along’…

Ice Cube is trying to counsel Ben on how to do the date right, condoms and Hennessey are the suggestions but Ben is afraid to follow them. The date ends at a hot tub store because of course we have to get a girl in a bikini it has already been 2 episodes of this show we have been slacking here!
Caila brings up that Ben said he was unlovable last season…he played it so well by saying that! We get our first private concert and continue the trend of obscure artist or artist not currently a hit and Bachelor/ette claiming that they are their favorite artist - tonight it is Amos Lee.

The Group Date:
Has the girls going to a love lab, because Ben wants to see if science can help him find love: the way they look at him is tested, the way they smell to him is also tested which requires the girls to run on a treadmill and then be smelled by Ben – this is a ‘real’ facility. The final study has each girl go into a back room with Ben and their body heat is measured and shown to the others watching via infrared cameras. Sam scores in the 2s out of 10 and Olivia scores 7.4, the highest score for what it’s worth.

In the evening portion:
Olivia gets the first time with Ben and they finally get the kiss she has been craving. When Olivia comes back to the girls she asks them where they plan to take Ben for their one on ones but when they ask her the same she tells them she cannot tell them and walks off. Amanda decides that she has to tell Ben about her kids. He reacts well, just once I would like to see a guy or gal react badly (yes I know it would suck for the person telling the story but man would it be a fun moment) it would probably get edited out. Olivia wins the date rose and she is starting to come across really cockily.

Cocktail party time:
All the girls are scrambling for time with Ben and Olivia she of the secure rose position steals time from the other girls with Ben...that is a good way to make sure the others hate you! Olivia walks back to the girls and goes “Now I am done, now everybody can have at it” while waving her hand dismissively. Lace pulls her aside and has her most sane moment of the show while calling out Olivia.
Lace then walks up to Ben and immediately again tells him that she is not crazy…aww girl this is getting sad. When she finally gets interrupted by another girl she goes off to cry. Ben does some sweet things for some of the girls, giving away a Participation ribbon, making rose barrettes with Amanda for her daughters. Amber lets us know that she is very nervous, you should be girl, you lost a foot race, badly!

Rose Ceremony:
Lace continues to cry in her confessional and look nervous on the dais. Hey girl hey, Jubilee gets a rose BUT we knew from last week’s this season on that she had to have gotten one…Lace gets a rose while the show uses LB to narrate throughout the ceremony, it is a clear moment of foreshadowing since I do not think we have seen more than 2 minutes of this LB girl until she suddenly is getting all this shine. LB REJECTS a rose, here is my thing with this – why do you wait until the ceremony? Are you just trying to have a moment? Are you really not making all the decisions until you see the rose appear? Amber is getting more and more nervous and we are down to one rose so here comes OMCH. Amber gets the final rose and Sam gets screwed by ‘science’. I hate myself a little bit more…I will be back next week.

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Bachelor season debut...The perfect Ben?

The affluenza teen can feel me on this: I have a serious first world problem here; I need to get some rest so that I can go to my decent paying job, BUT the season premiere of the Bachelor is queued up on my DVR…what is a bro to do? I am clearly pulling my full macho card tonight too, because I just went and watched the Hunger Games finale – in a theater populated by a couple eating the loudest candy ever. I mean candy so loud that my friend had to grab my hand and hold me back because I was about to reach over 2 rows of seats snatch their candy and throw it as far as I could. I am fine with eating in a theater but how about you time it during the 100 bloody explosions in the movie and not when the characters are whispering to each other.

On to the show with the Bachelor that has been coined the Perfect Ten Ben oh you just know they loved that his name worked. The ‘this season on’ shows me that they are going to repeat a tonne of their tropes; picnic in a field; trip to a baseball stadium; wine tasting (or something similar); and, my favorite TONNES AND TONNES OF TEARS. Hmm I recognize one of the girls on this show, will not say who (yet) but I am now cracking up, Southern California living you gotta love it!

Ben does the blah blah, “I am just a small town guy from Warsaw, Indiana” while quietly admitting that he no longer lives there. He is the head of the homecoming parade and the announcer of the football game says “this is the bachelor from the TV…show…the…Bachelor?” You can just hear the announcer questioning where his life went wrong as he reads the paper someone just handed to him.

Ben’s parents talk to him about his statement on his season that he is ‘unlovable’ Ben’s mom talks about the 32 years she has spent with the man that she loves and I was really hoping they would flash a line like “they have been married for 36”

Ben meets with peeps he calls “3 of America’s favorite Bachelors” which I think is code for “3 of the Bachelors who answered the producers’ calls” Jason, Sean and Chris. But no one really cares about this part GET TO THE GIRLS and all the forced puns…

The flight attendant wants to “land Ben’s heart” she sounded so bad saying it I wonder how many takes she got. I think one of the girls said she broke up with her boyfriend because of what she saw on TV…I do not want to rewind to confirm. We get to the black girl early; but she is the military hard ass? Wait what? Are we going to play the angry black girl stereotype via the ‘I can destroy you’ route?

We get a dentist who claims to be weird and thus we get the forced dental appointment clip, she will not date a guy with gingivitis, I have never wanted a dental disease before. On to the twins, this gimmick is already overdone and they have only been on my screen for 15 seconds.

Again I will never ask a woman her age, but some of these women are straight up LYING about their ages or they need a new skin regimen or they need to cut down on the partying (or all 3).

The Flight attendant is the first out of the limo and she gives Ben a wings pin and says she is “ready for them to take off”. A girl gets out and I cannot tell if she is black, mixed or just really, really, really tanned. I note that one of the girls that is labelled as an attorney, just passed the bar…good for her, and why bother to look for a real job? Jubilee (the black girl) steps out, she is the one who E texted me to say “I thought she said Hi I am Jiggly” now that I see her dress, or lack thereof I can appreciate that line so much more. A good half of these girls have that breathy, throaty voice that I associate with party girls. Shushanna decides to not speak to Ben at all in English (does she speak English?) and exclusively speaks Russian, to the point that he cannot even properly learn her name and thinks that it is Shawna. A girl comes out in a unicorn mask, the gimmicks keep going, from footballs hiked to him, to mini bouquets thrown to him, Ben treats it all with a smile. The girl wearing a flower hat says “maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it.”

Sigh, it is time for the twins, somewhere there better be 2 parents realizing they failed twice! 2 girls are wearing the same dress and they are not the twins. The only acceptable times women should be objectified as twins are in the Coors Light commercials (where I really hope for the sake of thinking that young Cali J was not a misogynist it was done tongue in cheek). Another girl shows up with a mini horse and then an anti-gluten fanatic shows up with a basket of bread and breaks it all up on the cobblestone as a protest. Now is a good time to point out that less than 2% of the population is actually gluten intolerant. TWO PERCENT- more peeps are alcohol intolerant than that and we do not make as big a deal about booze as the anti-gluten bandwagoners do. *the alcohol stat is just assumed by me based on observing my friends.

The next girl shows up in PJs because she wants to see if Ben “is the onesie for me” if you cringed when reading that, imagine me seeing and hearing it.

The dentist pulls Ben aside first and immediately insists that she gives him a dental exam, she came fully prop-loaded. One of the girls plays charades with Ben to let him know where she is from and what she does. As Ben is meeting the girls he says, “it is going to get crazy”…blatant foreshadowing, so we cut to outside and Becca (was/is? the virgin from San Diego) and Amber (both from Chris’ show) step out of a limo together. The girls all seem to view Becca as the bigger threat.

A girl named Lace is getting rip roaring drunk yes, Lace is her real name (as claimed on the show). She is very ‘hands on’ she had pecked Ben when she first came out of the limo and now aggressively wants a second kiss but another girl interrupts her/rescues Ben. But, Ben comes back and seeks her out to assure her that he cares…still no kiss.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison, OMCH drops off the first impression rose on the coffee table and some of the girls start freaking out. As Ben picks the rose up and walks off with it more of the girls freak out and some become sad.

Lace’s drunken sadness starts to escalate since she did not get the first impression rose and again we see in the upcoming clips for the episode a girl saying “50 Shades of crazy” it is an overused line ever since that movie came out, but…it still fits.

Ben takes a few deep breaths and we begin, but if you look at the clock you will know that there is too much time left for this to just be a straight ‘hand out roses and say good night’ type of ceremony. Amber claims that meeting Ben she “already feels something with him.” At the rose ceremony Shushanna accepts her rose with a “Da” I know the producers must have edited out her actual interaction with Ben or just blatantly told him to pick her because otherwise…am I really supposed to just believe in the language of love?

Lace gets the final rose and is ecstatic at this point, that cannot continue. OMCH tells the rejects to get a stepping. A redhead girl that gets rejected expresses the probable fear of most peeps that are redheaded “maybe he isn’t into red heads, some people aren’t.” Post rose ceremony Lace pulls Ben aside to tell him that she was not happy that he did not look her in the eyes; some people just do not know how to take a win…”50 shades of crazy” makes its official debut.

Wow the coming up this season on the bachelorette is a good 4 plus minutes. The black girl appears early in the season on clips…but wait what is this…she is there later? This is new. Maybe I spoke too soon…damn

The blooper reel has OMCH talking to the mini horse.

I am going to check out Bachelor Live (the after show), but obviously not live, I love myself too much for that.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.