Infrequently updated consistently funny

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Shoshanna's a good girl who just wants to come and play...

Hahahah so start the lyrics to this little video, in my defense I was ill when I discovered the show it comes from but whatever I find it funny so I am posting not judge me...I am still a man...oh and seriously before you judge me thinking I fell in love with some new pop tart please note that the vid is a comedy vid and not an actual music vid.

"Did you see that? I did...cadillac grill, cadillac truck, take her in the back 4 a caldillac F**K" So my ex and I disagree on the humor of this video, I think it is bloody funny since they describe Luda as an "Observational rapper" after all as pointed out "Move bitch, get out the way" was pretty self explanatory.

And the benoit case just gets weirder and weirder

Seems a bit strange...ok seems very strange

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Maybe it is a sign that I am working too much:

I use auto bill pay for most of my bills so I tend not to see them for months until I check up on them just to make sure transactions are being made...tonight I checked on my electric bill (good thing too since it was not paid) and noticed that my total bill for 4 months including charges for late payments was only $75. This is even though I have had guests stay with me for probably a total of 7 weeks (granted one of them was also putting in crazy work hours also) the highest bill for any month was $17. In fact for a few months the charges for use were less than the administrative charges that come with bills...of course now I am worried that I am suddenly going to see a huge spike in my bill.

Oh well at least the cable company has decided to make sure that their bill keeps me grounded. I mean seriously how much do they really need to charge to stream HBO into my damn apartment?

Just booked flights for my bro and I to Orlando for our family reunion, I anticipate that being a crazy time, imagine placing a bunch of peeps as sarcastic as the Cali-J in one hotel and you will get an idea of how many bell hops might quit their jobs.

I also thought that flying to Orlando would be a lot easier than it apparently is. Despite the fact that I am leaving one major vacation destination for another I still could not get a direct flight, instead I have to connect in Cincinnati. No offense to Cincy but how on earth is there a direct flight to Cincy from SD and yet I could not go straight to Orlando? On my flight back...I stop in Denver. If these were the cheapest flights maybe that would make sense, oh well.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Burnt Orange for life, talent and a Benoit update

If you ever watch these 'talent shows' on TV whenever someone says they are multiple things e.g. this guy I am watching claimed "I am a singer, dancer, producer, choreographer, directory, techno star" they always and I mean ALWAYS FLOP!

Great picture from the boys over at Longhorn nation, the countdown is on. (edit) Baby girl I love you, but what you just said to me re the Horns is close to Heresy!

Some updates to the Benoit honestly gets crazier and crazier! So much of this seems deliberate and I find it hard to blame 'roid rage' for a weekend of killing.

I have decided to add some material from the WWE website concerning the Benoit story. I should admit that Benoit was one of my favorite wrestlers but reading more and more about this guy makes me just wonder "what the hell man?"

The WWE has posted a time-line of events. It is crazy to me that he seemed more concerned about his dogs than his child. Note these text messages in the linked story:
Sunday, June 24, 2007

Text messages sent to co-workers from Chris Benoit and Nancy Benoit’s cell phones:

Text Message 1
Sent to: Two Co-Workers (the same who had verbal correspondence with Benoit the day before)
From: Benoit’s cell phone
When: 6/24 at 3:53am from
Message: C, S. My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane. Fayetteville Georgia. 30215

Text Message 2
Sent to: Two Co-Workers (the same who had verbal correspondence with Benoit the day before)
From: Benoit’s cell phone
When: 6/24 at 3:53am
Message: The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open

Text Message 3
Sent to: Two Co-Workers (the same who had verbal correspondence with Benoit the day before)
From: Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
When: 6/24 at 3:54am
Message: C, S. My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane. Fayetteville Georgia. 30215

It is just too weird for me to comprehend...

Monday, June 25, 2007

This is a bit weird.

This is so hard to fathom!

Does one wish R.I.P.s to someone who may have committed a double homicide - suicide?

When the story first broke it was just listed as 3 deaths and immediately I was worried that when the story was updated it would be a when you see people go down this route.

I was definitely impressed that the WWE cancelled Raw tonight!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

So bloody tired...

Of seeing all the Red Sox, t-shirts, hats, jerseys etc. all around many posers!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

So I got molested at the bar tonight...

Sounds like a line, but sadly it is true. My boys were cracking up as some very drunk female who thought I was her co-worker began to grope me.

(To the person I was talking to on the phone...I meant every word I said...even the apology re the Ninja Turtle)

I also got grabbed by a russian girl while waiting to cross the street - that was funny.

Nothing like free alcohol to spur myself and the Persian Mafia to immediately chug, like alcohol was a scarce commodity that could only be saved by us consuming as much as possible of it, in a short amount of time.

Here is hoping I do not regret the "calling to make sure you got home safe" call

Asking "Do you shave your legs?" is probably not PC, but I think it is a very important and legitimate question.

You know you are consuming too much red bull when your heart begins racing.

I make an awesome jerk-bbq chicken pizza (just had to throw that in here since I discovered that b4 hitting the bar to night, and because the 'ninja-turtle lover' called me while I was grilling so I expect her to see this and be ashamed of her ever questioning my cooking skill)

This is probably horrible of me but...everytime I see a cute/hot girl take off her glasses and then shake her hair out, I suddenly think of skinimax...if you know why, then welcome to my twisted world.

Declaring "And you know I look good in pink" is not cocky, it is confident.

Dan is NOT safe around any girl you are hitting on...shout out to Bex on this one.

Watching Sand Assassin trying to make sure that peeps I introduce him to at the bar learn his real name is bloody funny.

Watching AXA allow me to call him Armani when introducing him to new people is cool, take a memo SA!

Finally, when a girl is actively rubbbing her boobs against your chest and grinding her crotch into yours, having her purr "I like you because my brother and you have the same name" is guaranteed to ensure that you do not have to worry about anything inappropriate 'popping up'.


Friday, June 22, 2007

Paris Hilton and Nudity...sorry the stories just seem to go together

Seriously if the rumors are true, that NBC paid a million dollars to Paris Hilton to give her first interview to the Today Show I want that show wiped off the map. I would not be shocked if suddenly statements start flying out that the million was promised to a charity etc. to save face...I love that there is a claim that she will not talk to Matt Lauer while on the Today Show because he made fun of her: I take it she does not realize that pretty much everyone with a mic or a blog or a pulse has made fun of her!

On to some interesting news. Apparently when men are shown nude pictures we tend to study the faces first, and we study them more than women do. Also note that women tend to look longer at images of couples having sex. I always knew that women were more perverted :). And see honey all those 'magazines' that I used to look at, and those shows I used to go to...were just for me to study facial features.

Posted for Obama so now in fairness I will post Clinton's

If you watched the final episode of the Soprano's this will make a lot more sense to you...fairly well done, I liked the "onion rings" (edit) Sorry I just realized if you have not seen the Soprano's finale or have been living under a rock and not heard about it...and still intend to watch it DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Sometimes a song's lyrics just fit...vol 5.3

This was one of my favorite songs in 1997 and the lyrics just suddenly applied this week (they have applied in the past, just this week I choose to blog them) thanks to some crazy stuff that occurred.

...Take you on a natural high, like a pilot
It be all good, toss your clothes like a salad
When it's all over put your vote in my ballot
It's my diner, I'm Mel, and you're Alice
Spend a night, in Cali J's palace
It be all good as long as you don't act childish
While you standin there with the Moscato in your cup
If worse come to worse keep this on the hush, uhh
I know you seen me on the video (true)
I know you heard me on the radio (true)
But you still don't pay me no attention
Listenin to what your girlfriends mention
He's a slut, he's a hoe, he's a freak
Got a different girl every day of the week
It's cool, not tryin to put a rush on you
I had to let you know that I got a crush on you

(And then of course my favorite lines, I swear much of the coolness of the following lines is in their delivery...seriously the delivery, not the fact that nudity is mentioned)
I told you before, when I first pursued
I want an interlude, in the nude

--Lil Kim 'Crush on you'

(Would like to point out that no matter what your "girlfriends mention" you should really "see for yourself" - this is just a general statement and not a jab at anyone in particular...which probably sounds like a cover up, but it is not)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Crazy that an ATX crowd did this...

If I had been this driver and any of my friends as the passenger tried to help me: There is NO WAY that I walk away from this without my boy walking away with me or us BOTH going to the hospital together. I find it hard to believe that the driver caused the accident and yet his friend dies because of it.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

"Bullet Bullet"

Not sure how I feel about this Uncle Murda track "Bullet Bullet" [link to the video] (I think my Jamaican peeps will understand) I wonder if Bounti got some royalties. No shock to me that Jabba is all over the video but I was a bit surprised to see Spragga Benz in it.

So often it seems like anything "weh hot a yard mus get tief a foreign"

Monday, June 18, 2007


Great shot from the San Diego Union Tribune
A lot of peeps are freaking out that he came out swinging with his pitching hand...but it makes sense since instinct is to throw with the dominant hand.

Cracks me up that Derrek Lee closes his eyes and looks like he is reaching for a tea-cup when avoiding the punch.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Triumph goes to the Tony awards and then rips Star Wars fans

Triumph the insult dog at the Tony awards...cracks me up the look on the faces of some of the 'victims'

"You don't deal with lesser life forms? You must be a lonely guy."
This is longer but, pretty funny, an all time classic from Triumph, give it a watch when you have some time

Friday, June 15, 2007

Haha the Obama crush song...

You may have heard about this on the news and if you have not yet you probably will soon...anyway since some of you actually get your news from the Cali-J. A group got together to make a video to help promote their website. The chick in the vid is actually just lip synching she sang none of the song.


Ruth Graham

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Water out of thin air

Seriously Water out of thin air? Sometimes a technology is so cool that I just have to share it with everyone. I love the fact that it could cut costs of getting water to the troops from $30 a gallon to 30 cents.

Monday, June 11, 2007

A travesty of justice and some Paris Hilton scraps

Sometimes a prosecutor should just let a case go...This kid was too harshly punished in the first instance and now they are still trying to go after him even after the Judge has said it was unconstitutional!

Now on to less serious subject. Any regular reader of my blog knows that Paris Hilton has been constant fodder for my cannons; I have often used her as the comparison for anything dumb...and you know what? It has been FUN! And despite her latest statement to Barbara Walters I will not fact Paris Hilton saying that she will no longer act dumb is like well basically it is like Paris being dumb enough to think that we will not still think of her as a dumb air head.

How stressed out and ill can she really be if she has time to call into Barbara Walters? Just a thought.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Sopranos finale

No spoiler warning needed...because I am not going to spoil the ending for anyone by talking about it here. But WOW such a great episode: Assassin and I were on the edge of our seats the whole time. Now I cannot wait for the return of The Wire!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Paris Hilton disgusts me...but you gotta respect the hustle!

I cannot believe she got let out for not eating and crying please tell me they are wrong on this one...I always figured that was part of the whole JAIL package. Everyone in California knows that celebrities are treated differently, but come on, do we have to make it this obvious. I love that she ended her statement with "I hope others learn from my mistakes" sounds like your mistakes do not come with major consequences so you you are right, I have learned that as long as I am a celebrity I cannot be touched in Cali...see OJ, Robert Blake, Paris Hilton etc. I hope the judge does the right thing and orders her back into jail...oh and no shock that Al Sharpton is showing up to PROTEST

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

What's in a name?

So a lady showed up at my apartment door tonight and handed me a card that said Public Defender. She then launched into this statement: "Hi I am X from the public defenders office and I would like to talk to you about the incident that happened outside of Hooters last night with Girl X" --Uhmm I have no idea what you are talking about? (At this moment I am seriously panicking that somethng horrible happened at Hooters and that someone blamed me for it...I was honestly trying to think about the last time I went to many things ran through my head all ending with: The only time I have gone to Hooters in the last year was after New Year's Eve and to be honest none of us in the group of wounded soldiers could have done anything so I realized it could not be me) "Are you Aaron (Last name X)?" Uhmm no.

Then it finally dawned on me which is weird cause you would have thought I would have realized this ages ago...The guy who used to live in my apartment before me, shares my first name.

So apparently the old Aaron was a witness to something crazy at Hooters and because my addie is the one he gave the court they came looking for me.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

The grenade toss makes it a classic

Check out this clip of a minor league baseball manager completely losing his mind. The 'crawl and grenade toss' has got to be one of the funniest moves I have seen in an on the field tirade. Any regular reader knows that I love when peeps completely lose it, and this guy definitely does that.

Sorry I know I have been posting a lot of youtube clips recently but I cannot help it, they crack me up.

Friday, June 01, 2007

The power of the Genitals

Dick will make you slap somebody...those are the words of Alexyss Tylor. How can you argue with someone who seems so passionate about the power of genitals. I hesitated for days about posting this but decided that since it is now the weekend it should be safe. There are no graphic images but I warn you...I WARN YOU the audio is NOT for work or children. It is a frank discussion about sexuality and the power of...well I will just let you listen. I cannot help but laugh at her...The craziest thing to me is the fact that the older woman sitting beside her is actually her MOM!. I cannot even talk about kissing around my mom and this woman is graphically talking about the POWER. Again definitely NSFW

Watch them in order

(Props to Josh for sending me these vids)

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.