Infrequently updated consistently funny

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Do your FAFSA!

Priority deadline is March 1st get it done NOW. If you have extra money lying around I will take it. [Girl I can't believe you asked me that question friday night: the answer is of course YES]

Saturday, February 26, 2005

I dont know that Heifer!

So bar review was cool last night: entering the club was a bit of a mystery first one bouncer had to lead you around to another exit, then you were questioned re your school affiliation, you then had to ride an elevator to the next level where you were checked to see if you had the appropriate stamp before you were finally let into the club. But once in it was fun. A playmate finally showed up towards the end of the night and that outfit of hers was intriguing. So the night was going good for me, until I went to the bar to check on my tab and was told that some chic had been ordering Hennessy on my tab. Hennessy on my tab? Come on girl that’s cold. I drink Hennessy – you shouldn’t be drinking that on my tab; I don’t know you. Couldn’t you at least have ordered some simple rum and cokes? I love the fact that the bartender tried to convince me that I knew the girl and that I clearly told him to put her drinks on my tab. Snippet of the conversation between the Bartender (B) and myself (I)
B: “She was standing right beside you when you ordered your Hennessy”
I: “Who is she?”
B: “The girl that was with you – you know the one that you pointed at and said put all her drinks on my tab”
I: “Me?” “What are you talking about man? I didn’t put anyone on my tab” “Describe her to me”
B: “ She was uhmm, heavy set and uhmmm” (noting the pause and the bar tender holding his hand up to his chest wondering if he could say it I decided to help him out)
I: “Was she Black with big boobs?” (Instant look of relief on the bartenders face)
B: “Yes that was her”
I: “Man I don’t know that heifer! You need to take those drinks of my tab and we need to find this chic” “I only know one black girl in the club, and she is skinny”
Come on though girl how could you do that to a brother? Though I’m sure you figured the bartender for a sucker and figured that he would think the black girl, must be on the black guy’s tab. The poor bartender looked so embarrassed when he realized that I knew nothing of that chic and that he had been had. Oh well guess he will not assume from now on that all the black peeps in the club must be together.

Never hit a woman?

I have always said don’t hit a woman but with this trend of women chopping their men’s genitals I am beginning to wonder what’s up with that. In the latest episode a woman chopped of her man’s penis just because he wanted to end their one year relationship. ONE measly year. That’s not a reason to chop the package (there is never a reason to chop the package).
- Though I must admit the guy was a bit crazy; he tells his girl that he wants to end it, she gets mad and then, they agree to have sex…ok so it’s breakup sex right? WRONG! The man agreed to have his arms tied to a window handle above their bed. (come on dude she is pissed and about to have sex with you... you don’t think something is up?). The woman pulled out a kitchen knife and severed his penis (shocking – pissed off woman with control over a man that had to end well)
- But hold up it gets worse, not only did she chop the organ of but she then FLUSHED it down the toilet…come on girl that’s taking it too damn far. I can’t even imagine the shock and sorrow going through a man’s mind when he sees his girl take his penis up walk to the bathroom and then hears “flush”. At least she was ‘kind enough’ to take him to the hospital (least she could do) Luckily for the fellow he made it in, in time that they were able to dispatch sanitary workers to retrieve the penis from the pisser and reattach it. The guy’s name has not been released which makes sense cause, bad enough your known as they guy who got his willy chopped but your also known as the guy who had his willy flushed.
If I heard later on, that a Vietnamese woman was stabbed to death, I would not be shocked.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

PJ party at bar review: How dare he?

So this week’s bar review is at Galileo 101, but with a twist; the same night that we are having our bar review the bar is having a Pajama party that will be hosted by a Playboy Playmate. Guess this is going to be another bar review that I get reprimanded for. Oh well! With a theme of “Bustier and Boxers” and the event put on by a promotion company called Erotica I expect to see some great scenes of debauchery, but shush and wink, wink we don’t want to get busted by the overly moral police! In all seriousness before someone gets it twisted, I did not know that the party was going to kick in this week, this place is one of the hottest new clubs in SD and I am just happy that we are able to get in. If anyone is offended by the idea that there might be sleepwear in the club – just stay home. Curl up with a book and listen to the rain that will probably be pounding your roof or go outside and have the pure rain from God wash away some of your self righteousness.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

You have got to love the signs that you see when leaving Vegas
pic by soulman

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Happy Birthday Sandra!

I expect to see you get Borracha this weekend.

Face it: women can not do math or science?

Ah yes the spark of controversy, I love it. Now I am not supporting the comments because I believe that genetically we are all the same, I think inherent in all of us is the ability to do whatever subject we put our mind to. However, I deeply believe that very early in life we are set on paths that will determine what our propensities will be for; it may be as simple as the toys we play with but I think we all start with a blank slate and from then on things are etched into our conscience.
Anyway the thing that sparked my musing is the uproar over the comments of Harvard’s President: Lawrence Summers. In his comments he argues that “that intrinsic differences between the sexes, along with family pressure and employer demands, probably play a bigger role than cultural factors and discrimination in explaining why fewer women than men have top science jobs.”
“Summers said he was inclined to favor family pressure and biology as explanations over discrimination and social factors.” He did claim that he was only guessing (probably to try and soften the blow) and that he wanted to provoke – way to go.
I really just find it hard to believe that women are biologically inferior to men…intellectually.

How I spent my weekend

Vegas: What happens there, Never happened!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The Real Valentines Day MASSACRE

- So I know you didn’t think you could accost me in the library like that and get away with it
- I had the moot ct brief to get done but now that is over let me vent.
- So let me get this straight: My team beat your team on Monday and we suck? I actually thought it was a great competitive game between two teams. I didn’t intend to diss your team at all. I enjoyed playing against you…granted prior to the game WE knew that we had to beat your team. I mean come on we are the No Talent Allstars we were not going to lose to the Pinkies. To say that we suck and that your team is ‘so much better than ours’ well that’s just plain RE-DICK-U-LUSS. So apart from the vengeance is mine feeling that I took into the game, I also took in an undefeated streak. (Granted that’s all of 3 games) Can I hide the fact that I took extra pleasure in beating your team? NO. Do I respect your team? YES. Let’s keep it real to give me all these reasons that your team lost: “we had errors”; “we didn’t hit like we normally do”; “my vagina was sore” Keep it real you lost when you lose to a team you shut up, you congratulate them and you move on swearing privately to get them the next time. Give our pitcher props, she did her job, hell she even had a 1-2-3 inning when we needed a stop. Don’t come whining to me that you should have won. Don’t tell me that our hits were based on errors: the errors were on your team suck it up. “There is no I in team [and there aint no we either]” Like Baby Cham seh “ Well if a fassy never like it SUCK YUH MUMMAH”

Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentines Day - Just say NO!

Valentines Day must be one of the worst things known to man kind. Often it causes depression in those recently broken up; a sense of longing in those who are lonely; anger in those who feel that they should be with someone; lust in others who troll the bars looking for the lonely and easy; resentment in those who spent hundred of dollars in the quest to prove their love; frustration in many trying to book restaurants and find the perfect gift; and fat wallets in the pockets of chocolatiers, candle makers, florists, restaurant owners, teddy bear makers and card providers. If it’s not obvious by now I have come to loathe this day, I know currently of 2 young ladies that I used to have conversations with that will be crying today (nothing to do with me) because of their sadness that is enhanced due to the ‘suckiness’ of their situation and the fact that this day just tends to shine a light brightly on relationships or the lack thereof. Lets try to remember as a society that you don’t need a special day and multiple expensive gifts to show someone that you care about them.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Hustler Bar: Oh relax uptight people!

What’s in a name? Apparently when it’s a name that is associated with a magazine of questionable taste it is a lot. Now I have not directly heard any complaints about our school having bar review at the bar but I have heard colloquially that some have questioned the choice. Well let me clear the air a bit. The bar is not owned by Larry Flint the bar does not push any nudity whether in print or in person. Our school has so often held itself out as progressive yet in so many ways we are as backward as the Deep South. There is nothing wrong with the bar the bar is like any other bar, somewhere that people can go and drink. No one will judge a law school by the quality of the bar that the students go to. Does this mean that the students who go to gay bars are bringing the school down, what about those who frequent biker bars? The school is a reflection of its people and their academics and social contribution; what the students do on their free time as long as they do not impress their views and morals or lack of morals on others is their own business. So to those who had a problem with the choice of bar – get over it, no one is forced to go to bar review and our school’s falling ranking is not caused by bar review: It is probably caused by students like you who find every opportunity to complain about what is wrong rather than trying to work with others to make things better.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Man of the House

A movie about Texas cheerleading = Instant classic. How can you go wrong with such a great premise? So in Jamaica we have this phrase called “Red eye” which means to be jealous or to covet things. So right yah now I am having a red eye moment because I have purchased a gift for a friend and I personally like it so much I am thinking of going right out and purchasing one for myself. The same damn thing, but something tells me that, that would not be good. Though I have been known in the past to purchase gifts in pairs; I am trying to curb that bad trait.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

6 Tons of weed: Thats a mini USD party!

The Associated press is reporting that the feds found more than 6 tons of marijuana in a shipment of yams that came into Port Elizabeth from Jamaica. I don’t know whether to be proud that my country tried to send so much over or saddened that they were crazy enough to try and send in 6 tons!

Why are u singing!

So Will Smith has a new album coming out. I loved his old stuff like “Parents just don’t understand” and I liked the original “Men in Black” soundtrack, but not everything he puts out is musical genius. Also if you’re a fan of anything with substance or anything even slightly hard Will Smith is not for you. His new song is as lite as u can get and still be considered rapping; this is not to say that there is anything wrong with lighthearted rap, in fact I wish more rap music was like that.
- Why is it every rapper has to put out an album with them singing on at least one track?
On the subject of light hearted music: Why is Ashley Simpson still a star? Why is Britney Spears still newsworthy? How is it she has managed to not pose for Playboy yet? Why did she think she could re-make Bobby Brown’s my prerogative?
ONE MAJOR RULE of music should be if you do a remake or remix of a song, the remake should be at least as good as or better than the original or else leave it the hell alone. I don’t mind if u put your own little spin on the song but please don’t make the song worse than the original track was. Finally, just because your mommy or daddy was a hit singer does not mean that you have talent or can sing: Lisa Marie Presley and Kelly Osborne please put the microphones down and walk away. Just walk away and we will forget u ever tried.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

It's "Woohoo take your top off!" Day

Otherwise known in more sedate circles as Mardi gras or Fat Tuesday. This should be an entertaining night downtown. Last year of course was famous for the fact that 3 young men on the hunt for a good time managed to see only one pair all night and it was a pair that we were not particularly eager to see. Its always fun to watch the bargaining that goes on: “What if I give u one green one and 2 blues?” I am also amused when a girl gets mad because a guy does not offer her beads large enough to satisfy her. If your going to flash anyway does the size of the beads really matter?

Check your classes

Now that I have heard the horror stories of 2 of my friends. Hey yall check online or go to the registrars office and make sure that your not in any classes that you dont know of.

Fear the Allstars!

So the softball team continues to show the rest of the league why we are the greatest. We are now 2-0 in division play and I am undefeated in softball play. BC hit a monster grand slam that definitely helped us to pull out the victory. Why do teams even bother to take the field against the “No Talent Allstars”? I mean we have a team blessed by miracles: after all, the fact that I am even able to make contact with the softball is a miracle and as long as I keep getting hits we are guaranteed to keep winning. And before someone jumps up and says that my hits don’t count; let me assure you the shock that the other team receives seeing me actually hit the ball allows my team mates to make it home.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Super Bowl

If I were forced to place a monetary bet I would place it on the Patriots. But since no one can force me to bet; I am going with the Eagles. This one is for you cousin: lets hope 'dat dem boyz can finally bring one home.' I hate Brady but you have to respect that kid, he does not lose. Watch for the T.O. touchdown miracle from D-Mac and then watch as the entire stands 'Drop down and get their eagle on'

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Give Blood: join the Bone Marrow matching list!

It is a subject near and dear to me: Right now there is a tremendous blood shortage in San Diego. Please join the bone marrow list it could save someone's life. I just saw a report that multi racial canidates rarely find the needed match for bone marrow donations less than 30% of people find a match. Currently blacks and whites have the highest rates because of the number of volunteers, but it is still not enough. Please yall help save a life. If you need more info I am happy to talk to anyone about it.

Of Pudding wrestling and bar review:

I am biased, but I enjoyed tonight’s bar review. We made it a little swankier than normal and took it uptown. Sadly as usual LIT was conspicuous by its absence (yes I know u said don’t pick on you – but when u keep missing bar review…) So soon I may give up bar review (depending on some election results), so if any one is interested in becoming a part of the LIT promotions crew for next year hit me up with your info. The bonuses are like tonight; No cover and free drinks. Tonight our promotion allowed premium drinks so if you’re a Grey Goose, Hennessy and Courvoisier drinking type of person this may be the spot for you. So I was approached with some bar review requests and I have granted them so a few bar reviews will be hosted by the 1Ls. I am declaring now publicly and officially, I will help you to promote your bar review and I will attend but I am not taking the blame/credit for pudding wrestling. But I will tell you, it will be a big hit with many of the guys. And yes I think pudding is better than Jello ® for wrestling. Finally “you are my bitch”

Friday, February 04, 2005

Things I miss from vacation: here is a pic looking across to the area that I live in, in Jamaica
pic by soulman

Cruel and unusual punishment: Thats all I can say about the process of having all the poor nervous 1Ls line up to retrieve their grades. I heard shouts I heard dejected sighs. I saw smiles fade. It is a harsh process to watch and yet sadly I was somewhat sadistically amused. Because I remember last year at my place many of us huddling around a computer monitor nervous as hell that we would have bad news. It was at a pre bar review party: So I think a few peeps drank a little harder that night.
pic by soulman

Mind Numbing

So after spending a year in law skills learning about writing Appellate briefs and learning how to address the court and proper formats etc. I am now stuck in a lecture about everything I just learned last year. Did she really just ask us if we know that the Supreme Court is not bound by precedent? I can not even imagine how the third years can sit through this. This is cruel and unusual punishment to have a class of this nature on the day after a night of heavy drinking.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Anna Nicole

I had thought she was starting to look good again, but after seeing the last Trimspa © ad and remembering her actions at an award show I have to say: Damn! She is looking cracked out. Trimspa may or may not be helping her lose weight naturally, but I think it looks like it may be helping her to lose weight the crack head way. I mean come on if you had a doubt about her drug usage just listen to her talk recently; “Trimspa baby” and then make your own judgment. I hope she is not on drugs and that Trimspa is doing all this for her, but you make the call.

Happy Birthday

Happy B-day Jessica. Looking forward to many more!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Floyd Mayweather Jr.

May well be the best pound for pound fighter in the world right now
The kid is sick with his skills
In his last fight while the commentators were talking to each other about the upcoming NFL games the next day. Floyd turned and responded to the question that they were asking each other: “Who do you think will win the game Patriots or Steelers?” Mayweather turned and said “Patriots”
Then to be facetious the commentator during the next round while the fight was in progress asked him “Floyd who will win Eagles or Falcons” (Response) “I like Michael Vick”
How can you beat someone who is so in control of his craft? – he goes on to knock his opponent out by the way.

A Pregnancy prom dress?

- Now that is going too far. I have sent some of you the link and told others about it. I saw a picture of a prom dress with the middle cut out so that the young lady could have her belly hang out the front of the dress.
- Come on now that is just WRONG.
- I will not judge the girl for making the mistake of getting pregnant in high school because bad things happen; we make the best of situations and move on.
- But making the best of the situation is not and I repeat is not wearing a dress with your belly hanging out to the prom.

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.