Infrequently updated consistently funny

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Tropical boy in a football jersey in San Diego during the evening without a coat  = freezing. Damn the temp in this city can dramatically change within a couple of hours. I gotta say I love chill teachers, especially the ones who have realized that a 3rd year in the final semester is not the type of student to call on (at least not for a good answer).
Seems like this year the Super Bowl hype is much less than normal – debating having a party for it…guess I should clear it with the roomie first.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


A Miami Vice movie will be released later this year.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

A Picture Share!

Eighteenth hole buick open! I am easy to spot in this crowd.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Instant bar review impressions

LIT made it hot again (ok so that is biased since I am LIT promotions) but I had fun. The bar was a tad small but the drinks were on point and I think all present had fun. I think peeps had enough to drink and I am gauging that on the fact that the Sand Assassin (if you do not know who the SA is you have not been reading the Cali-J) is now passed out on my couch and that I had a late night stuff fest at Santana’s with 9 other law students and some random girl literally picked up off the street. This one is for all peeps but especially for my boy with the above random chic ALWAYS use protection.

Random shout out to my secret…that move you pulled was wrong

I now have to type out  articles for Motions and clean my appt to the squeaky clean point since my bro is coming into town.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Allergies, knockout drugs and foam

Now that my tube of toothpaste looks more space age than my camera I think I might need to get a new digi-cam. So everything in my bathroom is now foaming (except I guess my mouth thanks to that rabies shot) my shampoo, my facial cleanser, my hand soap, my body wash and now my toothpaste. How did we ever get clean before the age of foaming cleansers? I fear that marketing has over taken technology; I have this scary thought that in 2 years I am going to be told that all these foaming cleansers are bad for me and my bone density has been reduced.

So on my way home I had a massive allergy attack, you know the type that cause your eyes to gush water and for one eye to involuntarily close, I then started to itch like a fiend. I walked into Ralphs wearing a hoodie and scratching my neck furiously while looking around wild eyed – the poor check out clerk flashed me such a nervous look that I couldn’t help but sneer at her in reply just to add to the effect.

So now I am on 2 Benadryl capsules and 2 sleeping pills if I do not get a good night’s sleep out of this, the next option will have to be a bullet to the brain.

Note to my opponent tonight – though I may have initially screamed like a girl on first grab of the ear (unfair fighting tactic by the way) I manned up quickly and sat in solemn silence therefore I am claiming the victory.

Good luck with the paper Dub-C!

A Picture Share!

What happened on a night, right after i said i was done drinking.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I'm in love with a stripper and Costco

My new favorite song “I’m in love with a stripper” How can you beat lyrics like “yeh Mike Jones…she’s every man’s dream, God’s gift to earth, women they love them too that’s what you call a woman’s worth...she slides up and down that poll got me mesmerized” –T-Pain and Mike Jones

Costco is the devil’s playground, even with a list and a set of instructions I find myself leaving the damn place with more food than a Ugandan family of 4 could consume in 2 months. Did I really need 4 tubes of toothpaste and a gallon of mouthwash? We have more Costco stuff here than in the damn store. Yet how could I resist buying enough cinnamon toast crunch that I could paper the bottom floor of the law school? I am still uncertain how I found the strength to resist buying the 3 gallons of lotion, when I do need a bottle of lotion. This is a bit mean but I love when I see dorky looking guys buying the 50 pack box of condoms – no wait a minute that just makes me sad and I refuse to state why…Anyway U can’t beat the Costco prices for lunch…can a hotdog and soda really be that cheap and have actual food product?

I love the VH1 episodes of Ego Trip’s Race-o-Rama: “tragic mulato”

“They call me Paletero man”

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

This teacher is out of his mind!

Probably wasn’t the smartest thing for a teacher to do. I am surprised that no one has screamed for a law suit yet. Teachers back home humiliate students all the time, and I guess it makes us tougher – hard to believe that something like this truly caused the kid not to be able to finish the exam, I mean damn the kid is 17 years old…he is probably smart by saying he couldn’t finish because now he will probably get to retake the test and get a better score.

Now that I have gotten the decent portion part out of it – like the guys on PTI said if that had been my kid I would show up there with a Broncos jersey on and gone after the damn teacher myself. Where does a teacher get of having kids pelt another kid with paper? Seriously that teacher needs to be taught a damn lesson!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Another In Living Color trivia moment...

Dang I forgot that Rosie Perez was the choreographer for the fly girls...A million peeps got their starts on In Living Color. "I remember J-Lo when her ass was still 'hey ho'!"

Another Jab at USC...

Ok I know, I am rubbing it in, but damn it I have suffered as a Texas fan for years so I am allowed to gloat a lil bit, plus everyone has been sending/asking or laughing about this email with me so I decided to post it. Apologies to anyone who might know this poor girl.

From an email (thanks Tina)
Cheerleading, tumbling lessons and camps since age 3: $30,000.
Annual cost of attending USC: $25,000.
Annual cost for staying just the right shade of blonde: $10,000.
Cheering when the other team scores: Priceless

Check out the faces of the other cheerleaders!!! LOL!!!!

Bar Review



I hurt a friend today,
It’s all that I can say.
Sometimes I do wrong things, which tug at the heart strings. And then the words of reprimands that I get…ah yes those sting.  

Damn you Kobe!!!!

So I can’t let the Kobe 81 point outing go un-commented on. It is no secret that I cannot stand Kobe. I respect the kid’s game to no end, but I can’t stand Kobe as a person. The incident in Colorado notwithstanding (I think he was innocent – put himself in a dumb situation; come on who doesn’t get a love contract nowadays? Get them to sign that letter of consent and take a Polaroid or something, you cannot have groupies/hoochies/hookers/sluts or genteel women in your room as a professional athlete/celebrity and not make sure every thing is above board, she could be a nun once she enters that room, make sure everything is kosher) I think Kobe is selfish and a bad team-mate.

Was the feat amazing? Hell yeah, one of the best single game performances ever, not as good as Jordan’s flu game, but definitely above Nash’s 20+ assists games (barely). Main problem with it is that this plus the Dallas game (both games that the Lakers won) are anomalies of what happens when Kobe goes off. Is he single handedly carrying the team? Yes. Is he bad for the Lakers? Yes. As much as I hate him I think he is currently the MVP if the Lakers make the Playoffs (still early though). Thing is look at his 2 big scoring games, in the Dallas game he had ZERO assists and in this game he had 3 (as my roomie said “ 3 assists”) Kobe is a guard and he is having games of zero and 3 assists? It’s easy to just say that the rest of the team around him is just so sucky they don’t score when he passes the ball, but watch a Lakers’ game; Kobe passes the ball as often as Paris Hilton has a valid idea.

As I told J and Dub-c it is a wonder to me that a Lakers player has not been hit in the face by not expecting a Kobe pass, then again for the hit to occur Kobe would actually have to try to pass the ball to the unsuspecting team mate.

I really hope the Lakers don’t make the playoffs and that if they do make it they get swept so badly that it becomes and instant video on what not to do as a team trying to win a game – kind of like watching the Colts playing the Steelers.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


If you are not a fan of USC this is the perfect site for you.  When you are hailed as the greatest team EVER – you might want to win your damn games! Till then go choke on the ONE title (not a dynasty) that you HAD and shut the hell up. The Big 12 shall rise again; the season was an anomaly the post season with huge wins by OU, Nebraska, a decent game by Tech and Colorado and the biggest win by TEXAS show why the league will be back and better than ever. HOOK ‘EM HORNS…and I am out this piece!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Quick recap...

Quick impressions of bar review last night…damn fun. On Broadway is still a bit too stuck-up for my taste (the whole you have to join a line to enter separate portions of the bar just annoys me). I am truly sorry to those who had to wait in line for what must have felt like an eternity – unfortunately the reality of the situation for any downtown bar is that late arrival (though for On Broadway even early arrival) means a fairly long wait in line.

As promised the Bar Review blog will have pictures by Monday I am just too lazy right now to comb through pics, plus I want to make sure that I do not post pictures that might cause embarrassment, as always If I have a pic of you up and you want it down just let me know and it will come down.

To the young lady that gave me shots of Petron…uhmm thanks!

To my bartender that confused my request for a vodka with pineapple as a request for a vodka triple…uhmm thanks!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Can I do this?

Damn, I’m jealous: I want to be in Vegas this weekend, granted I want to be in Vegas pretty much every weekend so nothing is new with that one. I am a bit shocked that I agreed to run in a 5K, oh well its for a DAMN good cause (cancer) and I will run till the ankle or the heart gives out whichever comes first. My only goals are to finish and not finish last, everything after that is just gravy.

Congratulations Minh


Realization: When there is more hair on your face than on your head it might be time to shave. The beard is so thick that for the fun of it I carved my initial (A) into it. If blogger had a method to post pics that no one could save I would post copies of it, but I just don’t want crazy pics of me posing shirtless with my initial carved into my beard floating around

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I love breaks

So 2nd day of classes, 2nd day of going home during the break to have a drink…if we keep this up, the semester should fly by.

Just smile...

If we let China why not Cuba?

I agree with Jim Caple, Cuba should be allowed to play in the WBC.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Seven year anniversary!

Wow seven years ago I moved to America! Time truly does fly!

Not ready for school

So I have not gotten back into the school mix yet. Rather than reading for class which I swore at the start of the year I would diligently do: I have baked cinnamon buns; finally started to unpack; thrown away a tonne of stuff; realized that I own too many damn clothes; stretched my ankle; watched a few booty shaking videos on BET; watched the Duke game; become worried that our Tivo will not record American Idol (for my roomie) since its not playing saved videos currently; and finally thought seriously about reading.

Cinnamon bun anyone? I am taking them out a few minutes early in the hope of keeping them gooey!  Damn our oven is ridiculously strong even taking them out a few minutes early was too late.

Seriously that guy on page 3 of Motions is a sexy writer! (yes it’s a horrible plug)

Wow, talk about bad choices...

Heidi Klum, Elizabeth Hurley and Halle Berry 3 of the world’s hottest women yet all 3 have dated assholes that have cheated on them, publicly humiliated and in Ms. Berry’s case hit her, and yet the Cali-J remains single – hmm somehow life just does not seem fair.

I am here for you ladies...

Heidi Klum, Elizabeth Hurley and Halle Berry 3 of the world’s hottest women yet all 3 have dated assholes that have cheated on them, publicly humiliated and in Ms. Berry’s case hit her, and yet the Cali-J remains single – hmm somehow life just does not seem fair.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Taco Tuesday

PB Bar and Grill...holla at yo bwoy! To those about to be in class with Sand Assassin and myself, sorry for the smell of rum.


Do not forget to pick up the latest copy of Motions (the Law school’s newspaper) a new copy should be available today.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Thank you...

Dr. King!


Trying to figure out on my morality spectrum as to which is worse; wishing she were dead or planning ways in which I would eliminate her if I could get away with it.

This is 100% sexist I know but damn it I am selfish: The “Guys gone wild” advertisements need to be taken of the air…or a serious warning at least 10 seconds long be placed before it so that I have time to find the remote no matter where it is and change the channel.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Friday, January 13, 2006

Of snivelling door men, hot chics and a long ass journey

I kept a running log while traveling yesterday

So I am sitting here in Tinson Pen aerodrome being thoroughly disgusted by me fellow man. The security guard here has disgusted me to the point that I may have to mention something to him…I have noticed that when persons of the darker persuasion i.e. looking like they are clearly Jamaican enter the aerodrome he ignores their entry, however when white persons enter he jumps to attention and holds the door open, he has not yet begun to bow and scrape and tap dance but I am intently observing him as that can only be next. I swear though if he says the words “yes massa” I might just have to put a “boot inna him batty.”

What the hell is this man, I thought we had moved past this foolishness of thinking that any one of light complexion must get ridiculous deference while ignoring our country men? We have been independent from Britain for 42 years our people are free now damn it. People neglect to realize that often our people have way more money in their pockets than tourists, after all most tourists have to save all year to make it to the island paradise and are tapped out and will only tip a $1 whereas a Jamaican who is out here earning money when they are willing to give might give you a bills or 2 if you do a good job.
As I type this I am also typing my article for the school newspaper I have this bad feeling that I am going to shut down my laptop and have a confrontation with this fassy because an older gentleman just came in with a box and he had to struggle to get through the door while the fassy whole security guard just stared at him and shared a joke with the other lazy fassies sitting around. I know he only held the door for me because he recognized my dad (kind of funny the way he lit up around my dad you would almost think he was white) and now I am sorry that I used his help.

Haha he just jumped up to help a chic that is wearing clothing skimpier than I am used to seeing enter an airline (complete stereotype here – I am wondering if she is flying down to Mobay to take care of a client!) and a black guy took advantage of the open door to walk in and the guard has the most vex look on his face.

I love the security check that I went through here at Tinson Pen…”What flight are you on, how many bags ok we will call you when the plane is ready” Ah if all flights could be like that traveling would be so pleasant again – wait what am I saying if all flights were like this half of America and Europe would be in rubble. Come on Tinson Pen you could at least pat me down or something or make walk through an x-ray machine, something.

Damn a new chic just walked in wearing a white merino and looking damn cute with some huge chesticles I guess the guy giving me the dutty look must be her man, I guess I might have been staring – I really should go back to writing my article it’s due as soon as I land in SD, but I am now drawn to staring at this young lady’s assets.
<An aside: Damn the Wray and Nephew 2006 calendar is smoking hot, I want a copy it was so amazing I had to take a pic of it with my cellie will post them when it no longer costs me $0.99 a minute to use my cell>
This dude with the girl is huge, no way could I take him, I really should stop staring – eh it’s a compliment to his girl. Has anyone ever gotten their ass kicked by a jealous boyfriend in a prop plane? It’s a lose lose situation for me, should I by some miracle win the fight she would just be mad that I beat up her bf plus I would be sore from the fight.

Cot damn I need to start sleeping more – this is the stuff I blog when I haven’t slept and spent a night packing. How the hell in the middle of the airport are blossoms falling on me?

Flying in on that prop plane and actually getting to see us approach the runway through the same window that the pilot sees it, is making me re-examine my desire to obtain a pilots license.

So I got to the Mobay airport and the lady who beckoned me over to search was persuaded by me that because I had neatly packed my suitcase well that she should not open it. Some say that I flirt again I just say that I just have conversations. So far this trip has gone smoothly.

I just weighed what I purchased I now have more than 20lbs of alcohol and my arm is killing me, what made me think I would care to drag this around airports. (Once I found out there was no limit to how much liquer and wine you could take up I went a little silly with the purchases, on the plus side I have more to give away Cali-clause might be late this year but he is here)

Wow first time in 5 years that I have not gotten searched upon entering America, usually listing the food items causes me to be searched, I definitely expected it this time since I have so much food and drink even brought up bottles of Ting. Plus a stewardess that I was having ‘conversations’ with in Mobay told me that the Charlotte customs peeps are harsh, If I had known I would slide I might have brought more up…wait what am I thinking I cant lift anymore, I have a full back-pack, carrying 2 full suits and 3 full size bottles of alcohol and another 14 reduced size bottles as well as other things I do not care to mention on the net.
Just realized that I have a lighter in my carry on – guess the plane is going up in flames and I will be arrested on landing!

If u have been with me since the start of the blog I wanted a Wray and Nephew calendar, well the Lord loves me, I picked up 3 in the airport talk about a last minute stroke of luck, Assassin you will get one have no fear.

I love turbulence it just feels like it makes the plane come alive – yet I can’t ride roller coasters I should seek professional help.

Wow they are playing the Debbie Gibson “Shake your love” on the plane, I guess this is a strategy that if any terrorists are on the plane they will shoot themselves rather than sit through this songs video. Oh man I am about to make an ass of myself they just put on the NKOTB video for “hanging tough” I cant resist I have to mimic the dance…”everybody always talking about whose on top” Cracks me up that Donnie was the sexy bad boy type in the vid chics are swooning over him.

And the trip just all went to HELL…We cannot fly into San Diego because the airport is closed due to fog. We now have to fly to LAX and we are uncertain how we are getting to SD.

The pilot has just said that there will be busses to SD from LA. So now after traveling for 15 hours I am going to get on a bus…some of the passengers are assholes, they are bitching at the airline like US Airways had anything to do with the fog: It is the right decision to not land, if we try to land in zero visibility and crash then everyone is going to be a lot sorer.

I love the fact that the first words from the pilot were “Uh Ladies and Gentlemen we cannot fly into San Diego, the airport is closed to us…” then a pause during that pause everyone gasped and then started to worry that the airport had been bombed or something.

I commend US Airways on making what could have been a hellish process easy…thanks JT and Da Roomie (Dub C) for picking me up and taking me straight to a bar, I loved it.

Thanks to anyone that was able to sit through this post

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Bond, you know how it goes

U know I used to wonder how Bond could get all those cool gadgets etc, then it hit me when you are pretty much the main thing going for your secret service and u do the work of a hundred men they are pretty much saving money no matter how much they spend on your gadgets. Plus no price is too big to save the world from the evil Ruskies, China men, Terroristic Arabs, Iraqis, crazy Haitians or whatever group it was favorable that decade to blast.

I rant about this all the time so I have to add a new one: I hate these you could have this if and if and if and if you have this or this or this or this symptom…the latest one to get my goat is the diabetes ad that says your love life might be affected if you have diabetes and other similar illnesses. I swear I am now afraid that even the slightest sneeze will make me impotent.

Oh and I think I have RLS ‘Restless Leg Syndrome’ more on that…

Monday, January 09, 2006

Cali-J coming back

The Cali-J is returning to his adopted home, but will they let me take in the ackee and the patty and will they think that I am bringing in hot sauce in commercial quantities?

So it’s a late night and they just ran one of those “For a good time call this number ads” and in the ad the voice over girl said for chat text this message “Fun; that’s f-u-n, fun” and the first thing that popped into my head was ‘if you have to spell the word fun out for someone they probably shouldn’t be using a phone to call a pay site’ (and yes I know they could just be spelling fun in case peeps don’t catch what they are saying but…hmm)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


I am saddened by the fact that the Pac 10 peeps I have spoken to have started to whine that there were calls that should have gone USC’s way etc…fact is I had 2 blogs planned one that said we got beat as the title and would have just taken my medicine because that is how the game goes. Now that we are champs I am too lazy to gloat I am just so damn happy to see it happen in my life-time and would like everyone in the world to remember that all year long I have been introducing myself as “From UT the 2006 National champions” I am now opening a psychic hotline…need tips on how to find Osama just ask me.

Vince will never have to buy another drink in the great state of Texas!

In terms of competition this is the best National title games in years…down by 12 with less than 5 mins to go; teams going at each other with a vengeance; Lendale White ensuring himself some good NFL cash; USC getting stopped 2xs on 4th and 1; VY showing that he is the truth…TO ALL THE ASSHOLES who said Vince was over-rated look at this game and look at the last Rose Bowl and look at the OSU game how can u not think the kid is for real.

If Vince wants to leave for the NFL he can go with my blessing, he has gotten Texas something that we have not had in forever…thank you Mack and thank you VINCE…I can now face my brother.

To my parents, thanks for understanding and not throwing me out when I started screaming! I LOVE YOU!

My azn dream team...

I want to see that movie Glory Road, if they have created a decent movie it should be awesome to watch because I believe that the game that the movie leads up to happens to be one of the most significant ever played in the NCAA’s it is hard to now imagine that starting a team of all black players was groundbreaking and shocking. Nowadays it is the teams of all white players that get stared at.

After all most peeps have secretly thought that certain teams had no chance to win because there were too many white players! Yes it is a somewhat non-PC statement but I know that when it comes to laying bets down and even just casual conversation an all white team is a scary team to put trust in.

I am placing my bet now that at some point there will be an all Asian starting lineup in the NCAA tournament, not the finals I am not going that far yet…UCI, Riverside or Berkley are probably our best bets.

So the plan for today is to hit Ocho Rios and try to not look like a tourist, which will be hard since the crew in di car is all foreign pickney. Sadly it is another event that I will be a part of and all of us Jamaicans will be students who study/work abroad.

DAMN I hate my insomnia, $6 mill, J and the Steppa fox and I were chilling last night after Martini Mondays, they were laying down tracks I was idling, most of them were dragging due to lack of sleep, I finally walked home expecting to pass out after all it was 5am. Nope! Got home tossed, turned, watched the sun come up finally fell asleep at about 7.30am woke up feeling refreshed so I swore that I must have overslept and it was like 2pm or something, so I jumped from bed ran to the living room, no one is home so the illusion continues that it is late, I start running around like a wild man (my parents need a bloody clock in the living room/dining area). I bolt through the front door to see if my car is available since I figured I would have to drive to Ochi to catch $6 mill cause he must have left by this point, but the cars are gone, bear in mind that I am now in my front yard in the ‘Brook running around in boxers and somewhat disconsolate so I head back to my room figuring what the hell I will change and walk down the hill to get some Patties, booted up the lappy to upload some pics to clear space on the camera and almost dropped the laptop in shock, the clock read 7.58am. So factoring in the running around trying to figure out what the hell was up, I had slept a grand total of about 20 minutes and now I cant go back to damn sleep…

“I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me” –M. Manson

Monday, January 02, 2006

Happy New year and bust a clappa

It is hard to believe that private fire works are illegal in Jamaica. The youths in Norbrook are making the night sky look like the skies of Baghdad during the first Gulf War. Some of my readers will be too young to remember it but many families were glued to CNN for hours on end watching blue and green flashes come across the screen as we were told by Bernard Shaw and Wolf Blitzer that X or Y city had been hit. Nowadays the level of excitement is gone because it’s hard to wow peeps with something that their video games already provide for them. Now unless the camera rides in on the nose cone of the bomb it just does not seem that exciting. But I digress….back to the skies of the ‘Brook. It says a lot about our country that 3 peeps asked me if gun shots were being fired when the fireworks started popping off.

I love the pick and chose enforcement employed by the JCF, at any moment I could walk down to Manor Park and purchase M-80s and bottle rockets but let a cop pull me over and find a couple in the car and is trouble?
East fest aka di rasta man fete was wicked will blog about that later, till then I hope y’all are having a great start to the new year and I can’t wait to hear resolutions and then watch them fizzle.

What’s the difference between a lie and a joke? I think it’s the reception that it gets. I like to joke and tease my friends a lot, when they like the result it’s a joke when they are pissed that I got them or that they were too slow to figure something out all of a sudden I am a liar.

Ps to all my fellow bloggers I have not been commenting on your sites because I have barely had much internet access, but once I am back in Cali, the J will be spitting that fire like one of the 5 greatest rappers of all time and Dylan…

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About Me

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.