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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Bachelor recap or, let this monkey micturate on you, it is fun for all ages.

Thanks to Tammy and Mogl I have so much junk food in my home that I have not had a proper home-cooked meal in 4 days, that is VERY unusual for me. But, as regular readers know, Monday is my junk food night, so the bad trend has to continue...on to the show.

The kiss count is unnecessary tonight, I can tell you in advance that it will hit Three - or 100% I am not so crude as to put a 'hit it' count, but know that I considered it...

We are going off to Bali for fantasy suites, cultural misappropriation and virgin confessions (that is not a spoiler that is something everyone has said in every promo for this show...thanks a lot Producers).

We start with the usual goofy B roll of the Bachelor doing a voice over as he walks around sampling the culture and buying food that he probably will not eat. We of course get multiple shots of Chris staring off into space while pretending to think about the girls and also a name drop of the hotel. Bali looks a lot like Jamaica, just change out the people.

Kaitlyn is first:
They go to a temple in which they cannot this just a bloody repeat of last year? Ladies come in bringing flower baskets, let the cultural appropriation begin, Kaitlyn and Chris mimic what the ladies do (not bad, but still makes me wary).
ummmm yeah ok gurl whatever u say
 They then walk through the town and interact with a tonne of monkeys (okay that part is NOT like Jamaica)
"hey kaitlyn let me show u this concrete over here"
they feed monkeys, one pees on Chris - America applauds. Kaitlyn exhibits a rational fear of monkeys, I feel you gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl it is not normal to be cool with having an animal that intelligent run up on you and take food from you...they are like super aggressive kids.

(I blame the fact that Elizabeth is kicking my tail in Scrabble on this show, every play I make while this thing is on seems foolish.)

The evening portion of the date: this part is unfortunately usually boring because we are basically watching 2 people politely negotiate their way towards this point in the show, everyone knows what this date leads to. Chris heavily sighs a lot before kissing her, I think he is just trying to keep his boner down. The fantasy suite letter is opened and Kaitlyn says "I can't imagine saying no to that" yeah, she knows what's up. Kaitlyn says she feels pressure to tell Chris that she loves him...when she first said she felt pressure, I was briefly nervous about where she was going with it. She finally tells him that she is in love and Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her too, that's cool and all but Kaitlyn: IOWA? Come on girl, San Diego or Arlington, Iowa? We see them sit on the bed and begin to make out before we tactfully (or is that too late?) leave.

Whitney's Date:
Chris' voice over lets us realize that Whitney's move of taking Chris to see her job might have backfired because he is now concerned that she might not be able to leave her home life to move to Iowa.
They are on a boat
Screen Shot 2015-02-24 at 9.11.07 AM
with a captain that apparently only communicates via thumbs up. "Captain we are ready to go" Thumbs up. Hey he just hit the pier, Thumbs up...yup.

Whitney tells us that her sister while loved by her, can irritate her, funnily that is just what I was thinking about her voice. She mentions that her sister is an attorney - as if that is a bad thing!!!! Lawyers of the world UNITE! Whitney throws her sister under the bus (just for not giving her blessing to the man that was dating 3 other women at the time) just to try to prove her love for Chris? We get the let's jump off the boat moment with the requisite voice over that speaks of leaps of faith and going out on a limb (as they walk to the edge). Another thumbs up...are we sure these people should pilot boats?

Evening portion:
Chris points out to Whitney that the town is 500 people and the closest big cities are 3 hours away, I respect him pointing this out to her and before the envelope is placed out there. Whitney says she would leave her career for Chris and that she would be "ready to have babies and that would be my career." Chris smiles at that while I involuntarily recoil. Chris liked what he heard so much that the fantasy suite envelope makes an appearance, Whitney says "I thought a lot about this, and I think it would be great." She is soooo eager for this, that I believe she really has thought a lot about it, but not in the fashion of "Should I, shouldn't I?" but more like "Oh man, I am going to do, this, this and this, he is not even going to know what hit him."

Becca (the virgin):
Another walk around and explore date (was the budget really low this season?). "no no it's fine i'll just stand here with this bag on my head till ur done"
And another trip to a temple. They meet a fortune teller, who shockingly tells them everything they want to hear. When Becca asks for advice for their big date tonight, they are told to "make love", We are constantly reminded that Becca is a virgin.
Evening portion:
Did you guys know that Becca is a virgin? This show might be setting the record for virginity references. If I had thought about it earlier I would have used a clicker, though my thumb might have fallen off, and then I could never captain a boat in Bali. Becca appears to be asking Chris for guidance on if she is falling in love with him "what do you think?" I think she is afraid of intimacy. The fantasy suite card is read...and we are reminded that Becca is a virgin, long stares...commercial break.

The date card might as well just be a sound card of this song by Plies

Becca tells Chris that she would love to spend the one on one time with him, I think he winks at her...
she has not yet told him she is a virgin, even though she has told us a million times.

Uh oh, what is this? Cameras in the fantasy suite, guess this means the cat will have to be let out of the bag (could not resist). She finally tells Chris and his eyebrows go up dramatically, he takes many deep sighs and he struggles for words. He says he respects that (smooth) and that it surprises him (less smooth). My thoughts on this; it is a lot easier to wait for someone if you think the marriage is just around the corner, and it is also a lot easier to respond politely to that announcement when you have just had sex with 2 different women the 2 nights before.

Becca says that she has constantly (WE KNOW) said that she is waiting for marriage, but Chris's response was so perfect and she has waited for so long that she will see how the night unfolds...I wonder if anyone else gets the feeling that the virginity claim might not be pure (Yeah I know you see what I did there).

The morning after has Chris expressing anxiety and concern that Becca might not be in love with him or willing to move to Iowa, cynical CaliJ says - the experience was a dud.

We get to confirm that Chris Prime got the free trip to Bali as he comes to talk to Chris. Chris tells CP that he is not sure about whom the second rose should go to, yet tells us that both Whitney and Kaitlyn are in love with him and willing to move to his hometown for him...Becca does not seem to be there yet, but he is willing to give her time. CP would be the world's worst guidance counselor, his help is to just slowly say the girls names and to repeat to Chris what they have said to him then says "you seem to be moving in the right direction," despite Chris having said nothing.

The Rose Ceremony:
Has everyone dressed in Bali garb, they are holding the ceremony in what CP describes as one of the most sacred places in Bali...OMG no like i am really, really sorry
THEN WHY HERE? Affection is strictly limited, holding hands is okay, but basically nothing more, seriously, why here?
On behalf of the Western World, I am sorry
Cultural misappropriation of the finest kind.

Seriously, this temple fascination with the bachelor needs to stop. And I have to wonder if the people in charge of these temples know what is being filmed there when they agree to the releases. My dad is a minister and NO WAY would he let anyone film a reality show in the church (at least not one of this nature, I cannot think one of any type..,maybe one helping homeless people?).

Chris does his heavy sigh routine, then asks Becca to speak to him privately.
Whitney seems confident that no matter what happens with Becca, she is staying. Becca immediately goes on the offensive when she and Chris sit down and tells him that she is "crazy about" him. She stresses to him that she is falling in love with him and that she is not just saying it for the show. Chris struggles to tell her that...well we do not know what because he takes for ever to express words, so we cut back to Katilyn and Whitney speculating about what is happening. Both girls are starting to feel more confident "now I'm just trying to decide if i should bring cookies to cake to meet chris's family lolololol yay!!!!"
but that confidence is rocked when Becca walks back in holding Chris' hand. "lol hi u guys!!!!"

Chris has not been very good about protecting the girl's feelings this season...see how many times he ran off with the girl that does not shower. In fact I would say that either he is very callous in his regard to other people's feelings or he is extremely socially awkward, but take him away from this show and most people would call someone that behaves in such a manner, an Asshole.

The first rose goes to Whitney...Kaitlyn looks like she is going to have a heart attack, and the second rose goes to Becca - Kaitlyn looks all around the place and I think she is looking for objects to bludgeon them all with. Whitney looks like she is smirking, I cannot read her face properly. Here is hoping Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette! Chris hugs her and Kaitlyn has the "over it" face on. bachelor-kaitlyn-crying
Chris does his good bye whisper, which again makes no sense since they are outside of the temple, not in a library, not around other people, I think it is probably the voice he uses to calm horses and he just uses it for people. A rooster crows while he does the good bye speech, yup a cock vocalizes! (many have claimed he crowed thrice...It is the Easter season). Kaitlyn does not say a word until they finally get to the car and she points out that she does not want to get in the car and do what she knows is her exit interview.

Kaitlyn says she is really confused, methinks some of that is because her heart might be broken but her brain is rejoicing at not having to live in Arlington, Iowa.
"i thought i was gonna open a crop top store in Arlington"
Next week is the women tell all - it is usually my favorite episode of the season.

Ratchet scale: 10, because he dumped a girl he claims he loves and that he 'knows' loves him for a girl he is not sure even likes him or will agree to live in his hometown.
MVP - the monkey that peed on Chris.

Blooper reel - Chris interacting with monkeys

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Bachelor recap or do not show him your nude video before he makes a big decision

Made a batch of ice cream cookie sandwiches, scarfed down my new grilled chicken experiment (beer bbq sauce) and finally plopped down on the couch filled with food and no regrets, so I guess it is time to take away some of this high by watching trash TV...I love it.

We start with Chris walking through Des Moines, it is picturesque but I cannot help thinking...they should have taken them there in Winter, so many of these girls are now West Coast girls, they are not ready for Iowa winters.

Off to Becca's one on one and Chris tells her that the reason they are not in Belgium or Italy is because this is real are on a fantasy reality dating show Chris, nothing about this is real life! So they chill in his rented loft?
Becca and Chris have a low-key date
Becca tells Chris that she has never been in love before - this is despite dating someone for 4 years. I am trying to remember if I ever told my ex who I dated on and off for almost 5 years whether I loved her or not...I am sure she will correct me.

Becca lives in my city I am applying my sensibilities here but WHO THE HELL LEAVES SAN DIEGO FOR ARLINGTON IOWA??????

Britt tells the other girls that she has packed all of her stuff because she does not think she is going to stay through the rose ceremony. Carly calls her out, then Jade calls her out (gently). The girls are not giving Britt the sympathy that she expected to get when she sat down with them. I just want to know one thing: DOES SHE SHOWER OR NOT?

The girls are all nervous about the cocktail party but their main topic of conversation is their belief that Britt is fake...Chris Prime walks in to tell the girls that there will be no cocktail party (this is what he has been paid to do all season) he is my hero, as much as I mock him constantly, the man gets paid to steer people in and out of light conversation! The lack of a rose ceremony causes this face from Britt
Britt's oh s--t moment

Rose ceremony:
And Chris takes deep breaths, and proves to us again that he is barely articulate (Why was he America's favorite again?). While Chris tries to give his opening speech, Britt interrupts him to pull him aside. She starts her time with him with an apology for her actions the night before, while the other girls are in the main room pissed off at her. Britt asks Chris if there is anything he wanted to say to her about her actions - Chris struggles to explain his feelings/thoughts, he stutters a lot but finally says that the way Carly acted is the way he wanted his wife to act and the way Britt acted was disrespectful to him, his family and his he walks her out, BUT, she still gets a kiss so our kiss count starts even with a rejection - ONE!

Britt, breaks down crying outside of the mansion,

 loud enough that the girls on the inside can hear her - Carly comes across a little too mean (not for me, but I can see Middle-America hating her vindictiveness) and revels in Britt's pain.

Chris tells the girls that he sent Britt home because he did not think he could trust her. It's probably just me but I think the camera lingers on Jade during the line up. Whitney gets the first rose, then Becca so it is now down to Carly and Jade and oh here we go Chris Prime pointing out the obvious...'"it's the final rose." The problem with this is that we already saw so much promotional material with Jade telling Chris about her posing for playboy so it was obvious that she was getting the final rose.

I think Carly and her brother were eliminated after the same number of episodes! Guess no one gets the one up in sibling rivalry

First up is Becca, in Shreveport, Louisiana:
I was hoping that since she lives in SD it would also be her home-town, but alas I do not get to see her walking down the Gaslamp. Becca brings up the virginity issue again in her confessional, apparently everyone in her family knows about it...

Good grief, Becca's family is huge and allegedly Chris is the first boy she has ever taken home. Becca's sister tells Chris that Becca is not an intimate person, STRONG hint!

Chris seems to be getting it, but in that way that a puppy gets info, it knows something is wrong, but is not sure exactly what is wrong. Becca's mom like her sister points out to Chris that Becca does not normally hold hands with guys. Becca's sister asks Becca if she has told Chris about the Big V by bringing up the fantasy aside, can it be called a Fantasy Suite if there is no fantasy to be fulfilled?
The mom asks Chris to be sweet and tender to her daughter, I love southern moms. Becca walks Chris out to say goodbye and they make out at the SUV, Kiss count TWO Chris then whispers to Becca "You are coming with me" she laughs at his kidnapping threat, but he is serious and takes her to ride the State fair's Ferris wheel by themselves. Becca does that foolish move of thinking Chris is the one that set this all up.

Off to Chicago Illinois, for Whitney's hometown:
I think Whitney is very sweet, but listening to that voice for the rest of my life could potentially lead to a murder-suicide. Whitney's intro to Chris is "let's go make a baby" (she is a fertility nurse).

 She takes him to her work place and Chris gets to watch in vitro fertilization. Whitney pretends that Chris has to give her a sample, he seems concerned and makes the claim that everything is perfect downstairs - which really is not something you can just know.

Whitney was raised by a single mom, who as mentioned in the prior blog died suddenly a few years ago so her sister is now the dominant family force in Whitney's world. Whitney is blonde, her sister has raven hair, I always wonder who dyed what, based on eyebrows and roots I suspect Whitney. Whitney is telling her sister Kimberly that she will need her consent before she will agree to marry Chris. Kimberly says Whitney is putting too much pressure on her, the sis tells Whitney that she will only give her blessing to someone who wants her sister exclusively and not someone who has "four other girls." - To me a perfectly reasonable response. She tells Chris to call her for the blessing when (if) Whitney is the only one. Despite Whitney earlier telling her sis that she would only marry Chris if she got her blessing, she now says it is her decision to make not her sisters...uh huh.

Whitney then breaks out a bottle of wine that she tells Chris was super pricey and she bought it to share with the man she was going to marry - Kiss Count - THREE

Off to Phoenix Arizona, because even though Kaitlyn is from Alberta, her family winters in Phoenix. Because Chris took her to Costco for a date, she meets him in an alley. She takes him to a recording studio, claiming that earlier in the season when Chris performed for them (he was terrible) she found it hot so they are going to write and perform a rap song.

Kaitlyn I love you gurrrrllll but this is pushing it. Chris is worse than I expected, I mean he is utterly appalling he needs to take lessons from T Swizzle.

Kaitlyn must be in love because she claims that what Chris did is awesome.

We have one of those awkward family moments where the Mom and Stepdad and Dad and Stepmom are all there together. Kaitlyn's mom tells us that Kaitlyn's heart has been broken before...I got you girl, come to me! Kaitlyn's mom seems pretty chill and fun, I bet she would be a blast to drink with. We do not get much time with the family probably because we have to get to a billboard that Kaitlyn had put up with Kaitlyn (Hearts) Chris on it.
Kaitlyn Bristowe Makes a Sign For Chris in Hometown Dates
 Kiss count FOUR

Off to Jade in Gering, Nebraska:
So much foreshadowing in Chris' voice over, "though she lives in LA, she is a small town girl at heart...I want to see what shaped her into the way that she is now." Jade says that Chris is the nicest guy she has ever brought home to her family. She says that she is worried that her family might tell Chris about her nude photos before she can...there is a very simple fix to this Jade - TELL YOUR FAMILY TO NOT TELL HIM! Jade's dad takes Chris aside and hints that Jade might be a wild child. Her brother beats a little bit less around the bush and calls her "a wild mustang, a free spirit." The brother strongly hints that Jade will not want to move to Iowa. Jade's dad asks her if she has told Chris about the wildside/photos, this whole family seems overly concerned with Jade's 'wildness', hmm. This is a tonne of promotion for Playboy. As Jade walks Chris out to the SUV she tells him she wants a little more alone time with him, he agrees to it and it leads to kissing - Kiss count FIVE! (another perfect kissing streak on dates...but that always happens this late in the season).

They go to Chris hotel room to talk...Chris tells her that her brothers called her a wild mustang, Chris says you are a "hot mustang, but I don't really see the wild side." Jade says "there are somethings about me that would surprise you and something that has caused other relationships to end in the past." Jade brings up the photos as a time in her life when she first moved to LA and decided to do anything in her life that she would previously say no to...I bet there are a tonne of guys watching that instantly wish they had met her back in those days. Jade then tells Chris that if he wants she can show him the photos, (an aside, every girl I have ever met who has posed nude [and is proud of it] always, always shows them...this is not to say I have met a tonne of girls that have posed nude online, but I have met my fair share).
Here is a safe picture from the photo shoot, at the bottom of the blog you can link to the NSFW versions, or just imagine this same pose with ZERO clothes

 Chris is expressing shock, but tries to cover it up, he is very gentlemanly with Jade and I respect that (even if it were/is all for the cameras, I would still respect it),

since if he does not want to keep her, he can still kindly cut her at the rose ceremony, there is no need to heap on her any disdain (if there is any) just after she opens up to him. Chris at one point said "she took her bottoms off" oh Chris, what did you expect?

Back to Iowa for the Rose ceremony:
Chris calls it the toughest night of his entire life. Whitney gets the first rose (baby making jokes abound), Kaitlyn gets the next rose (I feel sad), it was always obvi that after the 'revelation' that Jade would have to be in the final 2 waiting for a rose...and Chris picks Becca (Fantasy suite virgin dilemma). Chris walks Jade out and does his whispering move that he does when he is delivering bad news to the girls. He tries to assure Jade that the photos had nothing to do with his decision, and that things were just moving faster with the other girls. Chris is crying as he puts Jade in her limo,
Chris gets weepy
 Jade through tears tells us that she did not see this coming because she was falling in love with Chris. Really Jade, you didn't expect this...even a little bit? You really didn't picture this happening?
Jade in the Reject Limo
Ratchet scale bit higher than last night, you cannot have Playboy pictures and a blooper reel of a dog going to town dry humping its toy and not have at least a 5!
MVP: can the MVP be someone who gets booted? Because it is Jade!

If you want to watch the video that Chris watched of Jade click here

Monday, February 16, 2015

Bachelor recap or 3 hours that will kill me so much faster than just drinking will

(photos with caption from Yahoo

Black Matt (BM) is here again, we just had some ribs (I think I have supplanted Phil's BBQ in his rankings as best BBQ ever) watched the NBA all-star game and now we settle in to watch the first night of this Bachelor journey! The promo shows the girls screaming excitement that they are going to Iowa, BM and I both agree they are all faking it.

Black Matt and I ran into one of the Bachelor contestants this weekend...let me just say, they are gorgeous in person, they look good on TV but in person you realize why guys fall for them.

But...oh lord, can I sit through FOUR hours of this show this week?
We start this agony with an interview with Kelsey. She is wearing a white dress and I cannot help but wonder if she did it 'to look pure.'
Kelsey gives her side of the story
Chris Prime point blank asks Kelsey if she thinks she is smarter than the other girls, Kelsey says no - I do not believe it. BM and I concur that while we might not necessarily like her as a person, she played the game smartly. Chris Prime is not built for the hard hitting interviews, can we not pay extra for this and get Anderson Cooper for the night? You know he watches! Kelsey has a hard time answering if she is looking forward to the 'Women tell all' episode

An interview with Chris is up next, Chris Prime pretending to earn his money asks questions about the season so far of him and calls Chris a Snitch.

Image result for stop snitchin
Chris tells us that he was genuinely concerned about Ashley S., he thinks she was overwhelmed by the cameras. We get some B-roll footage of Ashley S., wondering around the property and the production and her level of crazy.
Much of this show is consumed with recap footage, it feels as if the show had an episode order to fulfill and they did not have enough real material. So we hear Chris Prime say "Tell me about..." a tonne.

The boring nature of this episode plus the combo of ribs and beer causes black Matt to tap out early...I envy him.

We catch up with Andy and she immediately begins crying about the end of her relationship with Josh. I gather a bowl of ice cream and wonder if I will make it through much more of this. Andy says they had been struggling for awhile. Chris Prime claims something that many of us did not think, "you had found your soulmate" I always (and many of my friends, not trying to claim prescience here) thought that Andy and Josh were more of a 'for the cameras' couple than a 'for ever' couple. Andy says the Bachelor special at the start of this season is what caused them to break up "Seeing other happy couples." When asked if she is still in love with Josh we get a tonne of tears, sniffles, sad music and a commercial break
Andi is overcome with emotion
"I'll always love him, I have never loved anyone like that before...that was my first true love, and my first heart break." The cynic alarm in me is ringing loudly.

Aw hell no, I got tricked, I started watching this hour thinking it was the first hour of the 2 hour block tonight, NOPE it was just a preamble, I still have 2 bloody hours to go.

We START the REAL episode with a cocktail party and the girls asking Chris why he sent both girls home...he reveals nothing in his special way of pretending to give an answer while not saying anything.
Megan shoots herself in the foot by pointing out to Chris that he really does not know her, you can see the light bulb go off in Chris' head. Megan immediately gets sent home, maybe she just did not want to go to Iowa? Chris in his confessional says that Megan is "the first person that I really really had a connection with" - because of course we get rid of peeps we connect with. Megan really did not bring much to the show, but I will miss her accent.

The girls all thought they were safe after Megan was sent home, but Chris Prime comes in to shatter their calm and let them know one more will be going home. Whitney in her voice over says that she thinks Carly is going home - I am pretty sure the promos for tonight showed all of these girls screaming about going to Iowa I definitely remember seeing Carly's face in that promo. As if on cue, Chris stops Prime and says he cannot send another girl home but we cut to commercial - I cut to another bowl of ice cream...this show is killing me.

Chris walks in to tell the girls that there will be no rose ceremony and that they are all going to Iowa. Cynical of me (recurring theme tonight) but methinks that if the next trip was to Paris or any exotic locale the producers would have forced him to cut a girl, but the budget can definitely afford one more girl in Iowa.

The girls all play the roles of City Mice in the country as they walk around parts of Iowa.
Jade gets the first one on one and Britt is audibly jealous, I take a sip of scotch and wonder about my diet tonight: Ribs, jelly beans, 3 beers, 2 bowls of ice cream and a solid pour of scotch.

Jade is being driven out to Chris' home and it seems like it is hours away from the town that the hotel is in. Jade is saying many of the right things, but it seems clear that she might not be built for this life. Whitney gets the new one on one, and Britt blatantly looks ticked. Jade says that Arlington is more isolated than she thought it would does look like a ghost town. Jade is almost looking panicked when Chris says that there is no working bar in his hometown. Chris is not giving the hard sell on enticing someone to move there.

Chris takes Jade to a high-school football game
Bachelor Season 19 Hometown Dates: Chris Soules and Jade Roper at the Football Game
 she gets to meet his friends and family, Jade lies to them all about how much she loves the town. Jade tours his high school with Chris, security is very lax there apparently. Jade lets us know that it is not the right time to tell Chris that she has nudey pics. Chris makes a horrible pun about kissing Jade outside of his English class "it was more like French" - Kiss count ONE.
Bachelor Season 19 Hometown Dates: Chris Soules and Jade Roper at High School
We might get a 100% kiss night, unless he sends a girl home early, I suspect he will get a chance to kiss them all tonight! The crowd chants 'KISS CHRIS' so of course they oblige. Jade says she is falling in love with Chris. Chris asks Jade what she thinks about Arlington and she turns it back on him by saying that she thinks he is worried that it will not be enough for the girl who 'wins' - smooth move.

Its time for Whitney's one on one and they go to Des Moines, she immediately bumps up our kiss count by jumping into Chris' arms and kissing him - TWO. Their date consists of going around town and taking photos, with a lot of kisses. Whitney in her Disney animated character voice lets us know that she does not realize that Des Moines is not his hometown. We cut back to the hotel and Jade lets us know that my above thoughts that they drove forever was correct, it was 2.5 to 3 hours of driving to get to Arlington. Britt cries when she hears the details of Jade's date. The girls decide to road trip it to Arlington, part of this is probably due to the boredom of sitting around in that hotel room.

Back to Chris and Whitney, their date continues to be boring. So we wisely cut back to the girls in the car who are a lot less excited now that they have gotten in and out of Arlington in 30 seconds - Kaitlyn the voice of this show points out how fast they drove through. For some reason even though there are only four of them in the SUV, Britt is sitting cross legged in the middle of the back seat.
Kaitlyn, Britt, Becca and Carly check out Arlington
 The girls quickly find out that nothing is open in the town, they peak in the church and Carly is excited to find out that the picture of Jesus in the church is the same as the one her Grandma had. They come upon a local and have this exchange; "What do people do in Arlington?" "They go somewhere else..."

Whitney and Chris' evening date is not much more exciting than the day portion. Whitney gets to meet 3 of Chris' friends, not a good sign that they live in a separate town. Back to the other girls, Britt is saying out loud that she cannot see herself in that town...but the sunset changed her mind? Carly in her voice over calls Britt "one of the fakest people I have ever met" she must not have met many lawyers (I kid, I kid). The group date card arrives and its Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn. Carly makes a mocking hand puppet of Britt, it is heavily made up,
The lipstick looks about right
 it is funny and mean and makes it really hard to believe that she is really the sister of Zak from Desiree's season.

Whitney shares the obligatory sad story - her mom passed away suddenly. Outside of the bar, Chris shows Whitney a street art mural of one of their photos from earlier in the day,
A Close Up Look at Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff's Date Mural Outside of RoCa Restaurant in Des Moines
Whitney reacts as if Chris himself painted it. There is a huge crowd gathered around them watching them hug, kiss and talk...all very natural. I think the crowd might be gathered by the sound of Whitney's voice, they want to see what this unnatural thing is.

Jade decides to unburden herself to someone and tells Carly that she posed nude for Playboy, Carly's face, is probably the look Chris' mom will have when she sees it. Jade tells us that her dad found out about her photos from his coworkers before finding out from her. Carly in confessional: "It is one thing to be a guy and be like ooh yeah its cool and its quite another to be like Hey mom, don't google my wife" - Shout out to Elizabeth for making sure I took note of that line.

Jade says that she sometimes regrets having posed nude. I hear you girl but whew, those photos...

Group Date:
The girls meet Chris on an ice rink, if Chris has any sense, even if he plans to take Britt on a hometown anyway, he for the sake of peace in the house should probably not give Britt the date rose and just wait for the rose ceremony. They all simulate playing hockey, I want to make fun of how ungainly Chris looks on the ice, but the one and only time I went ice skating, I looked like a fawn taking its first steps and I was intimately acquainted with the railing.

Britt steals Chris away, and the Kiss count immediately goes up. THREE. Britt then tells Chris that they took a road trip to Arlington, she makes it seem as if it was her idea - very smooth. Britt tells Chris that she loved his hometown. Carly in her confessionals keeps insisting that Britt is fake and hates Chris' hometown and will not survive there, which helps to distract from the truth which is probably none of the girls on this date would do well there.

Carly gets the next bit of alone time and immediately gets the kiss count up. FOUR. Carly then tells Chris that Britt said "Oh my god I cannot live here" when talking about his hometown. We do not see Kaitlyn's daytime date (Hmmmmmmmmm).

Evening portion: Britt is the first girl taken to the side, she ironically starts the conversation with the word "honestly." Britt seems to convince Chris that she is fine with moving to Arlington, they kiss a tonne.
Kaitlyn is up next, she tells Chris that she is panicking about whether Chris is still connected to her. Chris tries to reassure her, I think he just wants to steal my lady. Chris walks away from her and goes to the other girls and gets the rose from them to give to Kaitlyn, Britt's face immediately falls while Kaitlyn's lights up as Chris walks back with his hand behind his back...the kiss count obviously rises FIVE. (There we go, 100% of girls that have gone on dates were kissed) Kaitlyn tells us that she went all gooey inside, while I want Kaitlyn all to myself I really am curious to see what her family is like.

Kaitlyn and Chris return to the other girls and there are 2 death stares from Carly and Britt. Britt Nilsson Argues With Chris Soules in Episode 7
Britt cracks her knuckles as Chris tries to tell the girls why he gave Kaitlyn the rose...Carly starts to say that she had an awesome time and "I like Kaitlyn" and Britt cuts her off and goes into sermonizing about Chris picking another girl in front of her. The other girls now think Britt has sunk her own battle ship.

Ratchet scale, the lowest of the season merely a 3
MVP - Carly for being this week's narrator and going in on Britt.

Blooper reel, the girls try to figure out how to use a map

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Bachelor recap or we were all immeasurably blessed to know Kelsey

So black Matt and I got sushi and are eating it in my living room, he then asks "what time does the Bachelor come on?" I recognize the signs of someone who wants to watch the show but will use me as the - on to the show. Well, pause, on to a few more drinks, now on to the show!

We start the episode where we left off last week, with Kelsey on the ground wailing and Kaitlyn telling us "Bitches be Crazy" (marry me Kaitlyn). The girls are all rolling their eyes especially when the medic asks Kelsey to tell her her pain level from 0-10 and Kelsey says there is no pain. When the medic asks is there anyone we can get for you Kelsey immediately says one word "CHRIS" (I must have missed when he got his md), she then tells the medic "I am definitely getting a rose for sure."

 Chris proves to have magical restorative powers and immediately Kelsey is better she gets the first kiss of our episode, early start to our kiss count - ONE!

Kelsey goes back to talking to the other girls, and maniacally laughing
"the things i was saying during my panic attack were positively droll, daaaahlings!"
Ashley I in her confessional questions the producers as to whether they have paper work to prove that Kelsey had a real husband...funniest thing she has done all season. Kelsey clearly thinks she is going to get a rose from Chris thanks to her stunt incident. She makes my beard itch, I know that is not science but I think it is causative!

We go to the rose ceremony and Black Matt asks "Wait they are giving out Roses already?" I knew he had the signs of someone who watches this show, how else would he have known that roses normally come at the end?

Jade gets a rose, and then the only one I really care about, Kaitlyn gets a rose, normally I would zone out here, but Ashley I is constantly crying in her confessional cut aways and Kelsey is staring daggers from the podium. Kelsey's neck muscles have tightened like she is squatting 200lbs, I finally learn Samantha's name since she gets a quick confessional to tell us that she is worried about going home. Kelsey tells us in her confessional that the other girls should be worried, she is right because she gets the final rose. Mackenzie proving to us that she is too young for this show says "If I get rejected tonight I don't know if I'd ever be able to get over it." Mackenzie and Samantha get the boot, in saying good bye Chris holds Samantha's hand and said "It is very tough, you have no idea" which I think was him modifying his true words which were going to be "It is not tough to send you home because I have no idea who you are." "sry what did u say your name was??"
Kaitlyn on Kelsey remaining "I wanted to punch her right in the teeth-holder" be still my beating heart.

Sooooo Samantha says probably 8 words all season but lasts till week 6, Amber the Black girl, was bubbly, smart and made out with Chris yet was booted week 3???????

We are leaving Santa Fe, New Mexico to go to Deadwood, South Dakota...the budget seems low this season, are we off to Wyoming next week? The girls have to fake enthusiasm about being in Deadwood, the plastic smiles are great.

Kelsey says she wants the one on one, she "worked so hard, I have earned it", she has no chill and a creepy laugh.
Becca gets the one on one, Kelsey tells us "I am not happy".

Chris is shown randomly and foolishly walking through a field...gotta get that establishing shot. Becca is allegedly 25 I state out loud that I do not believe it, Black Matt agrees while saying something that I cannot say in polite company, but its the reverse of 'Black don't crack'. The date consists of horseback riding, the-bachelor-feb-9-25
so we cut back to the hotel room, the girls are discussing Kelsey.

Kelsey walks in and Whitney, Carly and Kaitlyn confront her (I am shocked that I can remember that many names). Kelsey starts spinning answers out, Carly (holding a huge glass of wine) does not appear to be buying a word of what Kelsey is saying. Kelsey claims that she does not know what she is saying sometimes - she says that to the girls, in her confessional however, "I get it, I am blessed with eloquence and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart." -Kelsey tells us that she didn't go through the death of a spouse to deal with these girls Black Matt dryly says "or he killed himself" then looks at me and says "You can put that in your blog", he doesn't know that he has already been added to the blog!

Back to the date and Chris and Becca are 'cooking' I keep wondering if she is going to tell him that she still has her V-Card! They begin to discuss 5 year plans and Becca smartly pretends that she wants to be married with the special someone with kids. Uh oh, Becca is talking about a bad relationship, methinks she is about to drop the bomb...but nope more boring talk. We cut to the hotel room and the group date card arrives, by the process of deduction (basic math) the girls realize that the 2 on one date (the one where historically one person immediately is sent home) is Kelsey and Ashley I, (I think I can drop the I since Ashley S is gone) with Ashley showing excitement claiming she thinks she is going to kick "Kelsey's Ass."

Becca shows us that she really might be a virgin because she is worried that her dad might see her kissing, but once she gets the rose she digs in - KISS TWO!


Big & Rich walk up and Black Matt politely pretends to not judge me for being able to recognize them instantly before anyone says their name.
lol nope
The guys are here to help the girls write and perform songs.

This has become a constant trope of the Bachelor; season after season, the girls meet a musical act and then write (or the songs are pre-written) and perform for the Bachelor! Jade claims writer's block and goes running down the street with Big for inspiration,the-bachelor-feb-9-8
 but while she gets inspired it is then killed when she comes back into the saloon to see Chris and Britt kissing (THREE) repeatedly.

Chris will perform first, in order to 'set the girls at ease' with a guy on a banjo who looks like Yosemite Sam come to life.the-bachelor-feb-9-11
 Chris sounds exactly like I sound when I practice the harmonica, if I had a dog in my apartment it would be howling.

Britt is up next, and of course (as a waitress in LA) she kills it. the-bachelor-feb-9-13
Whitney, sings like she talks...cartoony. Kaitlyn, raps and rhymes about her fever and tells us "make him touch my Beaver (which was edited)" I LOVE HER.
Carly (the cruise singer) brings Chris on stage with her and works him like a patron who is at the Captain's table. the-bachelor-feb-9-1
Kaitlyn calls it an intense moment...she is the voice of this show y'all - Chris Prime, watch your back, if she does not win, and/or does not become the Bachelorette, she might snatch yo job homie! Jade was right, she cannot sing, but the lyrics were at least cute. As Big & Rich give us a synopsis, you realize that they did not do much in the way of teaching these girls...guess they have an album coming out.

The info card comes out for the 2 on one date and they are going to the Badlands, Kelsey is unreasonably excited about this.

Back to the evening portion of the group date - Jade gets the first one on one time and the kiss count goes to FOUR, I show Black Matt her playboy photos "Oh wow, I wonder if ABC knew about that." Kaitlyn and Chris have a talk but I do not see a kiss (not disappointed by that even though the kiss count is affected). Britt and Chris leave the saloon and go running off into the night, leaving the other girls to wonder where they are heading...turns out they are running off to a Big & Rich show (shocking). Chris and Britt make out in the crowd while peeps break out their camera phones - we don't count repeat kisses but this display comes close to us breaking the rules. Chris takes Britt on stage to give her the rose and they make out constantly in front of the crowd (Richard Carlson/ABC)
Big & Rich end with their signature "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" while Britt jumps around like she is in a mosh pit.

The other girls are back in the saloon trying to pretend that the reason there is no rose on the table infront of them is because Chris has decided to not give out a rose, they are clearly wrong because Britt and Chris walk in hand in hand with a rose. This switches the expressions to stone and Chris immediately becomes deflated because try as hard as he might he cannot elicit a good reaction out of the girls. Whitney asks Britt where they went and upon hearing that it was a Big and Rich show (apparently Britt hates country music and it is known) Whitney attempts to melt her with her gaze.

 The news of the date causes all the girls to cry
Carly is sad.
even Kaitlyn - I now want to torch this whole show, NOTHING SHOULD EVER MAKE MY GIRL CRY! Kaitlyn, just before she ran off to the bathroom to cry alone.
Whitney also breaks down, but with her voice I cannot take it seriously.
Poor Whitney's had a rough week.
Time for the 2 on 1!

Ashley calls herself "Glenda the good witch, and she is the wicked witch of the west." The girls start squealing when they see a helicopter, thanks to all the money saved on South Dakota, the helicopter budget can kick in.

 They tour mount Rushmore on their way to the Badlands, Kelsey helpfully tells us who the presidents are. I threaten Black Matt and warn him to not start considering Kaitlyn.

Ashley gets the first alone time and immediately starts the sloppy loud kissing. FOUR. But once they stop kissing she brings up Kelsey I am torn on the strategy of taking your alone time to bring up another girl, without concrete examples to tell the other person - "I may be a virgin, but I am sexy and she is not."

Kelsey gets her alone time and basically tells Chris that she has had practice being a wife. Chris tells Kelsey that he has heard that she is fake, she turns it back on Ashley with "I thought she was someone that I am close with" (this would be news to Ashley) and adds "I would hate for you to let go of all of the potential between us, because of girl talk" I told you last week we should send her to negotiate with North Korea. Kelsey tells us in her confessional that Ashley has on too much make up to ever be real. While the 2 are alone on the canopy bed, Kelsey stares Ashley down, just a steady stare,
If looks could kill, part 3.
and then says "I know what you did".
Ashley points out to Kelsey "You think I'm not as smart as you, because I don't use big words? Sorry I am not from Pleasantville. I'm from 2014." I should point out that Ashley has a MASTERS degree from Syracuse - do with that what you will. They both might be bat crazy, but both bring a fun element to this show, I will miss whichever one of them goes home.

Kelsey's death stare and cold words cause Ashley to run off and seek Chris inquiring "Why did you tell her what I said to you?" the crying way of saying "Why did you snitch homie?" Chris starts to tell Ashley that she and he are in different places and that Ashley will not like his lifestyle Ashley smartly points out "You think that Britt wants the lifestyle?" Ashley breaks away to run off crying, then comes back to Chris then runs off crying.

Cut to the hotel room where the nameless person comes in to pick up the luggage of the fallen victim and the girls all have open mouthed shock when they see Ashley's luggage removed.
Back to the Badlands and Ashley is crying, and ranting, and crying and mouthing "he gave other girls so many chances." I notice the clock on the DVR, there is only about 7 minutes left, could both girls get sent home???
See, Kelsey? THIS is how you have a panic attack.
As Chris sits down to tell Kelsey the news, we can hear Ashley wailing in the background,
 Kelsey cockily hugs him, but then Chris starts to drop a bomb that Kelsey did NOT SEE COMING...and we all start to realize that Chris is sending BOTH GIRLS HOME!
 He walks off to the helicopter alone leaving both girls, Ashley alone on a sand dune and Kelsey alone under the canopy

then walking away to her own rocky formation...I guess they have to find their own way back?

lol but actually how are these women getting home

The nameless girl walks back into the room and takes the 2nd bit of luggage home and the girls in the room erupt into cheers, 
they literally start popping champagne 
and toasting with Kelsey's catch phrase "we are immeasurably blessed".

Kelsey again tells us that she is the greatest thing "my story is beautiful, tragic, amazing. I'm immeasurably blessed. I have no regrets because I challenged myself to the adventure of love."

Next week we have a 2 day Bachelor experience...kill me now.

Above I predicted the cheaping out of the budget would send us to Wyoming, instead its Iowa (I know it is Chris' home state but wow...)

Tonight's ratchet scale 4 out of 10, nothing too impressive and most of the crazy was carry over from last week.
We have Co-mvps tonight, Kaitlyn (yes I am biased) for narrating the show so well and submitting her resume for Chris Prime's job and Chris for being ballsy enough to send 2 home on the 2 on one.

The outtake shows Becca and Chris shooting, she is a bloody good shot!

I am starting to worry that I have now learned the workings of this show too well, the fact that just looking at the DVR gave me a clue as to a double elimination has me worried that I may have to stop watching... 

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.