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Monday, February 16, 2015

Bachelor recap or 3 hours that will kill me so much faster than just drinking will

(photos with caption from Yahoo

Black Matt (BM) is here again, we just had some ribs (I think I have supplanted Phil's BBQ in his rankings as best BBQ ever) watched the NBA all-star game and now we settle in to watch the first night of this Bachelor journey! The promo shows the girls screaming excitement that they are going to Iowa, BM and I both agree they are all faking it.

Black Matt and I ran into one of the Bachelor contestants this weekend...let me just say, they are gorgeous in person, they look good on TV but in person you realize why guys fall for them.

But...oh lord, can I sit through FOUR hours of this show this week?
We start this agony with an interview with Kelsey. She is wearing a white dress and I cannot help but wonder if she did it 'to look pure.'
Kelsey gives her side of the story
Chris Prime point blank asks Kelsey if she thinks she is smarter than the other girls, Kelsey says no - I do not believe it. BM and I concur that while we might not necessarily like her as a person, she played the game smartly. Chris Prime is not built for the hard hitting interviews, can we not pay extra for this and get Anderson Cooper for the night? You know he watches! Kelsey has a hard time answering if she is looking forward to the 'Women tell all' episode

An interview with Chris is up next, Chris Prime pretending to earn his money asks questions about the season so far of him and calls Chris a Snitch.

Image result for stop snitchin
Chris tells us that he was genuinely concerned about Ashley S., he thinks she was overwhelmed by the cameras. We get some B-roll footage of Ashley S., wondering around the property and the production and her level of crazy.
Much of this show is consumed with recap footage, it feels as if the show had an episode order to fulfill and they did not have enough real material. So we hear Chris Prime say "Tell me about..." a tonne.

The boring nature of this episode plus the combo of ribs and beer causes black Matt to tap out early...I envy him.

We catch up with Andy and she immediately begins crying about the end of her relationship with Josh. I gather a bowl of ice cream and wonder if I will make it through much more of this. Andy says they had been struggling for awhile. Chris Prime claims something that many of us did not think, "you had found your soulmate" I always (and many of my friends, not trying to claim prescience here) thought that Andy and Josh were more of a 'for the cameras' couple than a 'for ever' couple. Andy says the Bachelor special at the start of this season is what caused them to break up "Seeing other happy couples." When asked if she is still in love with Josh we get a tonne of tears, sniffles, sad music and a commercial break
Andi is overcome with emotion
"I'll always love him, I have never loved anyone like that before...that was my first true love, and my first heart break." The cynic alarm in me is ringing loudly.

Aw hell no, I got tricked, I started watching this hour thinking it was the first hour of the 2 hour block tonight, NOPE it was just a preamble, I still have 2 bloody hours to go.

We START the REAL episode with a cocktail party and the girls asking Chris why he sent both girls home...he reveals nothing in his special way of pretending to give an answer while not saying anything.
Megan shoots herself in the foot by pointing out to Chris that he really does not know her, you can see the light bulb go off in Chris' head. Megan immediately gets sent home, maybe she just did not want to go to Iowa? Chris in his confessional says that Megan is "the first person that I really really had a connection with" - because of course we get rid of peeps we connect with. Megan really did not bring much to the show, but I will miss her accent.

The girls all thought they were safe after Megan was sent home, but Chris Prime comes in to shatter their calm and let them know one more will be going home. Whitney in her voice over says that she thinks Carly is going home - I am pretty sure the promos for tonight showed all of these girls screaming about going to Iowa I definitely remember seeing Carly's face in that promo. As if on cue, Chris stops Prime and says he cannot send another girl home but we cut to commercial - I cut to another bowl of ice cream...this show is killing me.

Chris walks in to tell the girls that there will be no rose ceremony and that they are all going to Iowa. Cynical of me (recurring theme tonight) but methinks that if the next trip was to Paris or any exotic locale the producers would have forced him to cut a girl, but the budget can definitely afford one more girl in Iowa.

The girls all play the roles of City Mice in the country as they walk around parts of Iowa.
Jade gets the first one on one and Britt is audibly jealous, I take a sip of scotch and wonder about my diet tonight: Ribs, jelly beans, 3 beers, 2 bowls of ice cream and a solid pour of scotch.

Jade is being driven out to Chris' home and it seems like it is hours away from the town that the hotel is in. Jade is saying many of the right things, but it seems clear that she might not be built for this life. Whitney gets the new one on one, and Britt blatantly looks ticked. Jade says that Arlington is more isolated than she thought it would does look like a ghost town. Jade is almost looking panicked when Chris says that there is no working bar in his hometown. Chris is not giving the hard sell on enticing someone to move there.

Chris takes Jade to a high-school football game
Bachelor Season 19 Hometown Dates: Chris Soules and Jade Roper at the Football Game
 she gets to meet his friends and family, Jade lies to them all about how much she loves the town. Jade tours his high school with Chris, security is very lax there apparently. Jade lets us know that it is not the right time to tell Chris that she has nudey pics. Chris makes a horrible pun about kissing Jade outside of his English class "it was more like French" - Kiss count ONE.
Bachelor Season 19 Hometown Dates: Chris Soules and Jade Roper at High School
We might get a 100% kiss night, unless he sends a girl home early, I suspect he will get a chance to kiss them all tonight! The crowd chants 'KISS CHRIS' so of course they oblige. Jade says she is falling in love with Chris. Chris asks Jade what she thinks about Arlington and she turns it back on him by saying that she thinks he is worried that it will not be enough for the girl who 'wins' - smooth move.

Its time for Whitney's one on one and they go to Des Moines, she immediately bumps up our kiss count by jumping into Chris' arms and kissing him - TWO. Their date consists of going around town and taking photos, with a lot of kisses. Whitney in her Disney animated character voice lets us know that she does not realize that Des Moines is not his hometown. We cut back to the hotel and Jade lets us know that my above thoughts that they drove forever was correct, it was 2.5 to 3 hours of driving to get to Arlington. Britt cries when she hears the details of Jade's date. The girls decide to road trip it to Arlington, part of this is probably due to the boredom of sitting around in that hotel room.

Back to Chris and Whitney, their date continues to be boring. So we wisely cut back to the girls in the car who are a lot less excited now that they have gotten in and out of Arlington in 30 seconds - Kaitlyn the voice of this show points out how fast they drove through. For some reason even though there are only four of them in the SUV, Britt is sitting cross legged in the middle of the back seat.
Kaitlyn, Britt, Becca and Carly check out Arlington
 The girls quickly find out that nothing is open in the town, they peak in the church and Carly is excited to find out that the picture of Jesus in the church is the same as the one her Grandma had. They come upon a local and have this exchange; "What do people do in Arlington?" "They go somewhere else..."

Whitney and Chris' evening date is not much more exciting than the day portion. Whitney gets to meet 3 of Chris' friends, not a good sign that they live in a separate town. Back to the other girls, Britt is saying out loud that she cannot see herself in that town...but the sunset changed her mind? Carly in her voice over calls Britt "one of the fakest people I have ever met" she must not have met many lawyers (I kid, I kid). The group date card arrives and its Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn. Carly makes a mocking hand puppet of Britt, it is heavily made up,
The lipstick looks about right
 it is funny and mean and makes it really hard to believe that she is really the sister of Zak from Desiree's season.

Whitney shares the obligatory sad story - her mom passed away suddenly. Outside of the bar, Chris shows Whitney a street art mural of one of their photos from earlier in the day,
A Close Up Look at Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff's Date Mural Outside of RoCa Restaurant in Des Moines
Whitney reacts as if Chris himself painted it. There is a huge crowd gathered around them watching them hug, kiss and talk...all very natural. I think the crowd might be gathered by the sound of Whitney's voice, they want to see what this unnatural thing is.

Jade decides to unburden herself to someone and tells Carly that she posed nude for Playboy, Carly's face, is probably the look Chris' mom will have when she sees it. Jade tells us that her dad found out about her photos from his coworkers before finding out from her. Carly in confessional: "It is one thing to be a guy and be like ooh yeah its cool and its quite another to be like Hey mom, don't google my wife" - Shout out to Elizabeth for making sure I took note of that line.

Jade says that she sometimes regrets having posed nude. I hear you girl but whew, those photos...

Group Date:
The girls meet Chris on an ice rink, if Chris has any sense, even if he plans to take Britt on a hometown anyway, he for the sake of peace in the house should probably not give Britt the date rose and just wait for the rose ceremony. They all simulate playing hockey, I want to make fun of how ungainly Chris looks on the ice, but the one and only time I went ice skating, I looked like a fawn taking its first steps and I was intimately acquainted with the railing.

Britt steals Chris away, and the Kiss count immediately goes up. THREE. Britt then tells Chris that they took a road trip to Arlington, she makes it seem as if it was her idea - very smooth. Britt tells Chris that she loved his hometown. Carly in her confessionals keeps insisting that Britt is fake and hates Chris' hometown and will not survive there, which helps to distract from the truth which is probably none of the girls on this date would do well there.

Carly gets the next bit of alone time and immediately gets the kiss count up. FOUR. Carly then tells Chris that Britt said "Oh my god I cannot live here" when talking about his hometown. We do not see Kaitlyn's daytime date (Hmmmmmmmmm).

Evening portion: Britt is the first girl taken to the side, she ironically starts the conversation with the word "honestly." Britt seems to convince Chris that she is fine with moving to Arlington, they kiss a tonne.
Kaitlyn is up next, she tells Chris that she is panicking about whether Chris is still connected to her. Chris tries to reassure her, I think he just wants to steal my lady. Chris walks away from her and goes to the other girls and gets the rose from them to give to Kaitlyn, Britt's face immediately falls while Kaitlyn's lights up as Chris walks back with his hand behind his back...the kiss count obviously rises FIVE. (There we go, 100% of girls that have gone on dates were kissed) Kaitlyn tells us that she went all gooey inside, while I want Kaitlyn all to myself I really am curious to see what her family is like.

Kaitlyn and Chris return to the other girls and there are 2 death stares from Carly and Britt. Britt Nilsson Argues With Chris Soules in Episode 7
Britt cracks her knuckles as Chris tries to tell the girls why he gave Kaitlyn the rose...Carly starts to say that she had an awesome time and "I like Kaitlyn" and Britt cuts her off and goes into sermonizing about Chris picking another girl in front of her. The other girls now think Britt has sunk her own battle ship.

Ratchet scale, the lowest of the season merely a 3
MVP - Carly for being this week's narrator and going in on Britt.

Blooper reel, the girls try to figure out how to use a map

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.