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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Bachelor recap or, let this monkey micturate on you, it is fun for all ages.

Thanks to Tammy and Mogl I have so much junk food in my home that I have not had a proper home-cooked meal in 4 days, that is VERY unusual for me. But, as regular readers know, Monday is my junk food night, so the bad trend has to continue...on to the show.

The kiss count is unnecessary tonight, I can tell you in advance that it will hit Three - or 100% I am not so crude as to put a 'hit it' count, but know that I considered it...

We are going off to Bali for fantasy suites, cultural misappropriation and virgin confessions (that is not a spoiler that is something everyone has said in every promo for this show...thanks a lot Producers).

We start with the usual goofy B roll of the Bachelor doing a voice over as he walks around sampling the culture and buying food that he probably will not eat. We of course get multiple shots of Chris staring off into space while pretending to think about the girls and also a name drop of the hotel. Bali looks a lot like Jamaica, just change out the people.

Kaitlyn is first:
They go to a temple in which they cannot this just a bloody repeat of last year? Ladies come in bringing flower baskets, let the cultural appropriation begin, Kaitlyn and Chris mimic what the ladies do (not bad, but still makes me wary).
ummmm yeah ok gurl whatever u say
 They then walk through the town and interact with a tonne of monkeys (okay that part is NOT like Jamaica)
"hey kaitlyn let me show u this concrete over here"
they feed monkeys, one pees on Chris - America applauds. Kaitlyn exhibits a rational fear of monkeys, I feel you gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl it is not normal to be cool with having an animal that intelligent run up on you and take food from you...they are like super aggressive kids.

(I blame the fact that Elizabeth is kicking my tail in Scrabble on this show, every play I make while this thing is on seems foolish.)

The evening portion of the date: this part is unfortunately usually boring because we are basically watching 2 people politely negotiate their way towards this point in the show, everyone knows what this date leads to. Chris heavily sighs a lot before kissing her, I think he is just trying to keep his boner down. The fantasy suite letter is opened and Kaitlyn says "I can't imagine saying no to that" yeah, she knows what's up. Kaitlyn says she feels pressure to tell Chris that she loves him...when she first said she felt pressure, I was briefly nervous about where she was going with it. She finally tells him that she is in love and Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her too, that's cool and all but Kaitlyn: IOWA? Come on girl, San Diego or Arlington, Iowa? We see them sit on the bed and begin to make out before we tactfully (or is that too late?) leave.

Whitney's Date:
Chris' voice over lets us realize that Whitney's move of taking Chris to see her job might have backfired because he is now concerned that she might not be able to leave her home life to move to Iowa.
They are on a boat
Screen Shot 2015-02-24 at 9.11.07 AM
with a captain that apparently only communicates via thumbs up. "Captain we are ready to go" Thumbs up. Hey he just hit the pier, Thumbs up...yup.

Whitney tells us that her sister while loved by her, can irritate her, funnily that is just what I was thinking about her voice. She mentions that her sister is an attorney - as if that is a bad thing!!!! Lawyers of the world UNITE! Whitney throws her sister under the bus (just for not giving her blessing to the man that was dating 3 other women at the time) just to try to prove her love for Chris? We get the let's jump off the boat moment with the requisite voice over that speaks of leaps of faith and going out on a limb (as they walk to the edge). Another thumbs up...are we sure these people should pilot boats?

Evening portion:
Chris points out to Whitney that the town is 500 people and the closest big cities are 3 hours away, I respect him pointing this out to her and before the envelope is placed out there. Whitney says she would leave her career for Chris and that she would be "ready to have babies and that would be my career." Chris smiles at that while I involuntarily recoil. Chris liked what he heard so much that the fantasy suite envelope makes an appearance, Whitney says "I thought a lot about this, and I think it would be great." She is soooo eager for this, that I believe she really has thought a lot about it, but not in the fashion of "Should I, shouldn't I?" but more like "Oh man, I am going to do, this, this and this, he is not even going to know what hit him."

Becca (the virgin):
Another walk around and explore date (was the budget really low this season?). "no no it's fine i'll just stand here with this bag on my head till ur done"
And another trip to a temple. They meet a fortune teller, who shockingly tells them everything they want to hear. When Becca asks for advice for their big date tonight, they are told to "make love", We are constantly reminded that Becca is a virgin.
Evening portion:
Did you guys know that Becca is a virgin? This show might be setting the record for virginity references. If I had thought about it earlier I would have used a clicker, though my thumb might have fallen off, and then I could never captain a boat in Bali. Becca appears to be asking Chris for guidance on if she is falling in love with him "what do you think?" I think she is afraid of intimacy. The fantasy suite card is read...and we are reminded that Becca is a virgin, long stares...commercial break.

The date card might as well just be a sound card of this song by Plies

Becca tells Chris that she would love to spend the one on one time with him, I think he winks at her...
she has not yet told him she is a virgin, even though she has told us a million times.

Uh oh, what is this? Cameras in the fantasy suite, guess this means the cat will have to be let out of the bag (could not resist). She finally tells Chris and his eyebrows go up dramatically, he takes many deep sighs and he struggles for words. He says he respects that (smooth) and that it surprises him (less smooth). My thoughts on this; it is a lot easier to wait for someone if you think the marriage is just around the corner, and it is also a lot easier to respond politely to that announcement when you have just had sex with 2 different women the 2 nights before.

Becca says that she has constantly (WE KNOW) said that she is waiting for marriage, but Chris's response was so perfect and she has waited for so long that she will see how the night unfolds...I wonder if anyone else gets the feeling that the virginity claim might not be pure (Yeah I know you see what I did there).

The morning after has Chris expressing anxiety and concern that Becca might not be in love with him or willing to move to Iowa, cynical CaliJ says - the experience was a dud.

We get to confirm that Chris Prime got the free trip to Bali as he comes to talk to Chris. Chris tells CP that he is not sure about whom the second rose should go to, yet tells us that both Whitney and Kaitlyn are in love with him and willing to move to his hometown for him...Becca does not seem to be there yet, but he is willing to give her time. CP would be the world's worst guidance counselor, his help is to just slowly say the girls names and to repeat to Chris what they have said to him then says "you seem to be moving in the right direction," despite Chris having said nothing.

The Rose Ceremony:
Has everyone dressed in Bali garb, they are holding the ceremony in what CP describes as one of the most sacred places in Bali...OMG no like i am really, really sorry
THEN WHY HERE? Affection is strictly limited, holding hands is okay, but basically nothing more, seriously, why here?
On behalf of the Western World, I am sorry
Cultural misappropriation of the finest kind.

Seriously, this temple fascination with the bachelor needs to stop. And I have to wonder if the people in charge of these temples know what is being filmed there when they agree to the releases. My dad is a minister and NO WAY would he let anyone film a reality show in the church (at least not one of this nature, I cannot think one of any type..,maybe one helping homeless people?).

Chris does his heavy sigh routine, then asks Becca to speak to him privately.
Whitney seems confident that no matter what happens with Becca, she is staying. Becca immediately goes on the offensive when she and Chris sit down and tells him that she is "crazy about" him. She stresses to him that she is falling in love with him and that she is not just saying it for the show. Chris struggles to tell her that...well we do not know what because he takes for ever to express words, so we cut back to Katilyn and Whitney speculating about what is happening. Both girls are starting to feel more confident "now I'm just trying to decide if i should bring cookies to cake to meet chris's family lolololol yay!!!!"
but that confidence is rocked when Becca walks back in holding Chris' hand. "lol hi u guys!!!!"

Chris has not been very good about protecting the girl's feelings this season...see how many times he ran off with the girl that does not shower. In fact I would say that either he is very callous in his regard to other people's feelings or he is extremely socially awkward, but take him away from this show and most people would call someone that behaves in such a manner, an Asshole.

The first rose goes to Whitney...Kaitlyn looks like she is going to have a heart attack, and the second rose goes to Becca - Kaitlyn looks all around the place and I think she is looking for objects to bludgeon them all with. Whitney looks like she is smirking, I cannot read her face properly. Here is hoping Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette! Chris hugs her and Kaitlyn has the "over it" face on. bachelor-kaitlyn-crying
Chris does his good bye whisper, which again makes no sense since they are outside of the temple, not in a library, not around other people, I think it is probably the voice he uses to calm horses and he just uses it for people. A rooster crows while he does the good bye speech, yup a cock vocalizes! (many have claimed he crowed thrice...It is the Easter season). Kaitlyn does not say a word until they finally get to the car and she points out that she does not want to get in the car and do what she knows is her exit interview.

Kaitlyn says she is really confused, methinks some of that is because her heart might be broken but her brain is rejoicing at not having to live in Arlington, Iowa.
"i thought i was gonna open a crop top store in Arlington"
Next week is the women tell all - it is usually my favorite episode of the season.

Ratchet scale: 10, because he dumped a girl he claims he loves and that he 'knows' loves him for a girl he is not sure even likes him or will agree to live in his hometown.
MVP - the monkey that peed on Chris.

Blooper reel - Chris interacting with monkeys

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.