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Monday, February 20, 2017

The Bachelor goes to Wisconsin

We start with the girls continuing the plan from last week of criticizing Corinne directly to Nick. Even OMCH takes Nick aside to talk about Corinne but there is no resolution before the rose ceremony. Typical last rose Drama before Corinne gets the final rose. 2 of the girls who were sent home were girls that I constantly confused for each other, so maybe Nick did the same?

Corinne decides to make a toast for the group, the group stares daggers at her. To me Corinne tries so hard to be sexy and yet I do not find it sexy at all. Yes she has worked hard on her body and her looks but (I must be getting older) I am not enticed by it at all.

The rental must be over on the Mansion, the group is now off to Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Nick meets up with his parents and we have to pretend that he has never talked to them about this stuff before.

Danielle L gets the one on one date.

While I watch this, I am working on my sweet and pungent chicken recipe, too many online sources want to 'correct' my search and instead show sweet and sour chicken instead - this is how bored I am by Nick's date. Even the clearly staged moment of running into Nick's ex didn't provide any spark. Danielle's evening sob story is that her parents divorced. Daneille like stops...a third of the...way into...like...every sentence!

A date card arrives back at the hotel so the girls get to find out that Corinne is on a group date and Raven gets the one on one.

Danielle gets the date rose that "solidifies the way I see this relationship going." They go to finish the date at a Chris Lane concert (yeah I do not know who he is) but what caught my eye is that the show had to blur Danielle's dress as she walked in right after I noticed to myself "that dress is risky."

The group date has the girls go to a dairy farm and come upon Nick bottle feeding a calf. Corinne is not happy with the group date. 95% of the milk in Wisconsin is made into cheese, and you thought this show wouldn't teach you something. The girls are doing a day in the life of a dairy farmer. Corinne of course voices in her confessional that she is not able to do any chores especially farm chores, her 'nanny does the chores.'

Nick is unable to get a cow to produce any milk, one of the girls takes that as a sign that Nick is unable to handle teats. The girls then have to muck out a stall, so Corinne walks out of the date and goes to sit alone. 

Corinne plays with her bosom a lot, I mean a whole lot, she will punctuate sentences by grabbing her bosom and shaking, she tells us that she is a corn husk and that you have to peel the layers to get to the golden corn...I think she might have wanted to be the corn but not the corn husk but hey.

Vanessa's kids and co-workers created a 'book' for Nick and not for the first time in 4 seasons have I wondered if Nick is a proficient reader.

Corinne decides to talk to the group and she is immediately called out for sleeping through a rose ceremony. Corinne says "Michael Jordan took naps, Abraham Lincoln took naps" well yup she got us all.

Raven apparently forgets that Danielle was with Nick earlier in the episode since she says "I feel very privileged to be the first girl to get a one on one home town date with Nick." Nick says this is a "realistic date for me...to see things I would do when I come home to visit my family." Because of course Nick gets to go to his little sister's practices all the time with a date and a bunch of cameras. Raven gets to meet the parents and while Nick's dad is asking her about her name she does not look him in the eyes even once. Nick's sister scores a goal...they didn't rig youth soccer did they? They all go to a skating rink- where Bella questions Raven about her intentions. I hate myself that I immediately recognized the Sixpence none the Richer song 'kiss me' instantly from the first chords as they skated around the rink, I will claim that it is because they are a Texas band.

Raven's evening sob story is that her boyfriend cheated on her and she drove miles to go and catch him in the act which resulted in her beating up a naked girl and attacking her naked boyfriend. Raven gets the date rose.

Cocktail party:
And Danielle L who already has a rose is the first to take Nick aside, this causes girls to out loud voice their concerns and annoyance. Corinne and Lacy are mad that Taylor interrupted Corinne's time with Nick oh the irony, so Corinne decides that she needs to take Taylor aside to tell her what she feels about her. Taylor is clearly trying to measure her response to Corinne. Corinne reminds us again that she runs a multi-million dollar company (that her parents own). And we are 'To Be Continued.'

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Too much fun with the Bachelor will leave you nauseous.

On the prior episode Liz seals her fate by telling another girl that she slept with Nick which leads to Nick finding out and Liz going home.

We go into a rose ceremony/cocktail party. Corinne unlike the other girls who are lamenting that Nick slept with Liz before the show, takes it as a challenge to one up her and decides to dress in a Trench Coat with just underwear beneath it. She squirts whipped cream into Nick's mouth and licks it, then squirts some unto her bosom and has Nick lick it off, keep in mind the cocktail party is still ongoing. The other girls are starting to cry based on what Nick and Corinne are doing. 

Jasmine finally interrupts the Corinne and Nick cream-fest. Corinne goes and cries to Lacy, it seems as if Corinne thought she and Nick would just have sex immediately. Corinne is missing from the Rose Ceremony, cut to video of her sleeping with a rose beside her. Just as Nick is about to give out a rose he notices that Corinne is not present "no seriously where is Corinne?" Nick apologizes to the girls for Corinne's absence.

OMCH comes in and tells the girls their minds will be blown by the upcoming dates. And I guess he is right, the girls get to meet the Backstreet Boys (my side-job has allowed me the chance the last year to hang with a lot of celebs and you know what? I get it girls I am not mad at y'all for freaking out a bit). The girls practice dancing with the Backstreet Boys then get to perform on stage with them. Danielle is selected to be serenaded while she dances with Nick and Corinne mean mugs and gives us narration that proves that she might already be a bit too clingy for a show of this type.

A show like the Bachelor brings out the worst (and the best) in peeps personalities and people can come off crazy, whether they are playing it up or not, but something tells me imbalanced personalities gravitate to a show like this and Corinne may not be in the best place even while being entertaining fodder.

Corinne starts talking to the girls about the fact that she has a nanny "it makes her happy and I am not going to stop a woman's happiness." They are reminded that she is 24 years old. Danielle wins the group date rose.

Vanessa for her solo date gets to do stuff that ordinary peeps do not get to do, she gets to play around in a Zero G plane, to simulate being in space. This is why ordinary peeps do not get to do it [
$4,950 + 5% tax: The ZERO-G Experience®: Weightless flight to include 15 parabolic maneuvers creating 20-30 seconds of weightlessness each. Includes ZERO-G merchandise, pre and post flight catering, professional photos of ZERO-G Experience®, video of weightless experience and certificate of weightless completion.] If you ever have an extra 5K hook your friendly blogger up, I will go with you. Poor Vanessa eventually pukes.

The group date has the girls hanging with Carl Lewis (met him) Allyson Felix (my idiot coworker thinks he can run faster than her) and Michelle Carter (who I would love to meet). The girls are going to compete in the 'Nickcathalon' to win time with Nick. Peeps comment on Astrid's lack of bra support. The girls were expected to do a long jump, the high jump, and the javelin to get to the second round. The second round is a 100m dash, to grab a ring and get hot tub time with Nick. Rachel wins I cannot resist (the black girl) but knocks the ring over instead of grabbing it, Astrid who came in last (of 3) gets to the tumbling ring and wins the hot tub time...

Evening portion and Dominique one of the black girls (again this franchise has been so bad with ethnic persons that it has to be pointed out that way) is breaking down, she cries to Rachel in the bathroom. Dominique decides to call out Nick and it backfires, or maybe went exactly the way she wanted without having to quit herself, because Nick sends her home.

OMCH shows up to tell us, "No cocktail party, instead there will be a pool party" the usual cheap ploy to get the lead down to their skivvies and the talent down to their skimpiest. Corinne because she hasn't said enough crazy this episode, calls the other girls desperate, just before we see her bouncing around in a princess castle bounce house. She straddles Nick in the bounce house as the other girls watch. Alexis voices what many of the girls are expressing "bitches" Jasmine's was too bleeped out to follow "I'm (Bleep) with this (bleep), (bleep). Nick leaves her and we cut to Corinne snoring in bed.

"I think you are making a huge mistake with one girl" so starts Raven in her conversation with Nick. Raven tells Nick about Corinne's nanny and "she doesn't even know how to clean a spoon." This opens up the floodgates, all the women start to talk to Nick about Corinne.



I finally try to catch up on the Bachelor or Sleeping with Nick is Bad for your TV time Health.

I have been working some crazy hours so I am way behind on this show. We start off with the women reveling in their first night in the Bachelor home.

There is a group date which necessitates some of the girls leaving the mansion to do a photo shoot with Nick...of wedding photos done by a photographer that looks like he is wearing a too tight tablecloth and fits so many stereotypes.
Corinne the girl that the ads have been making look like the aggressor boasts to other girls that she kissed Nick the night before. Corinne is boasting that she gets to look cute in her bathing suit because the other girls are all covered up until one of the girls walks in as 'Adam and Eve' bride so she is only wearing a bikini bottom of faux leaves and no top, just her hair covering her chesticles. Corinne is not pleased that a girl gets to go topless and it is not her.

I am loving hearing so many southern accents (even if some of them are faked).
Nick kisses a tonne of the fake brides and fake bridesmaids. The Adam and Eve bridal shoot of course had an apple (NO WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY THERE WAS AN APPLE).

Corinne in her photo shoot is supposed to be in a bikini/beach wedding, so of course she takes her top off so that Nick can be "holding my bare bosoms." Her thirsty move wins her the solo time with Nick as judged by the photographer. In the evening portion of the group date Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside

One of the girls tells Nick that she is attracted to assholes.

Danielle M gets the first Solo Date Card.

And Corinne goes and interrupts a date then when she returns tries to make the girls feel bad that she is willing to interrupt them. So then Corinne goes and steals Nick a 2nd time which leads to a make out session, Nick is then stolen by Taylor who Corinne initially stole Nick from; this pisses off Corinne who tells the other girls that what Taylor did was rude...if that compound sentence makes your head hurt, imagine watching it! Corinne confronts Taylor in a very awkward passive aggressive way regarding the interruption. She tells the other girls how to feel about the whole show and what they should remember "you are here for Nick and that's it." Corinne wins the group date rose, so maybe her advice is worth something? "Dad would be proud, even though I was naked."
Corinne gloats and gloats and GLOATS. Raven tells us that if Corinne is the kind of girl Nick wants "no wonder it is his fourth time."

Danielle M's date kicks in the helicopter budget for this season and also the yacht budget as they land the heli on a yacht.

Cut back to the house where Liz confesses to Christen that she slept with Nick months ago, they appear to talk about this for a significant portion of the day.

 Back to the date and Nick tells Danielle about his past show issues and she hits him with the season's first sob story, her fiance died from a drug overdose. Nicks tells her he doesn't think less of her, instead he thinks more of her...WHAT? You were going to think less of her because her man overdosed, that was an option?

New Group Date - "We need to talk" is what the date card says, Liz keeps saying "Yeah we do."
They go to what I would have thought if told the name would be a fake museum - the Museum of Broken Relationships and Nick has donated relics, his last rose and the ring he picked out for his time on the Bachelorette. The daters watch a fake couple break up and then are told they will be doing the same with Nick. So most do fun little skits with Nick to 'break up with him'  including one smacking him in the face. But Liz, takes her time with Nick to lay some deep rooted stuff out there and it leaves the whole group confused especially Nick who is left speechless.

In their one on one time one girl confesses to Nick that she has dated a girl in the past but tells him she will not take his girl. Christen tells Nick that she knows that he previously slept with Liz. Which means that Nick has to now figure out why Liz is on the show "I cant help but wonder if Liz just wanted to use our past to be on TV." Nick listens to Liz's explanations about her feelings regarding him, thanks her and then tells her that he sees no future with her so he sends her home and it is then that I realize they are hanging out at a spot I have frequented, I clearly watch this show too passively, which must sound weird as you read a blog about it.

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Nick gets what he has tried season after season to get Episode one

So thanks to working too much and another DVR failing on me I lost out on much of Bachelor in Paradise so I had to give up on that. Let's see if I make it through this season of the Bachelor.

We blatantly get to see the recap that shows Nick so desperate to get on the show. Then we do the goofy thing where the previous Bachelors get to 'counsel' Nick. 

With the women we start with the black attorney that will probably be gone by week 6 max. Then on to the nail salon owner who if she has a personality he will keep for awhile. Next is a teacher who speaks 3 languages and works with special needs persons, hopefully she does not do something to lose her job. I start to zone and realize I cannot write about all the basics: So many of these girls claim to be business owners and one claims to run a multi-million dollar company while still having a nanny. Not a nanny for her kids, A NANNY FOR HER. One girl may have already slept with Nick thanks to being part of a Bachelor alum's wedding party.

Time to exit the limos:

So many gimmicks, including the girl from Alaska doing an Eskimo kiss while wearing a heavy coat, a girl runs up to pretend to be a 'runner-up.' Another girl comes out with Neil Lane bringing the engagement rings that usually show up at the end of the season. One girl tells him via a joke that she is not wearing underwear. Many peeps keep mentioning that sex is important. The wedding party girl steps out of the limo and definitely looks disappointed that Nick does not appear to remember that they had sex - Nick looks perplexed like his brain is trying to tell him something. So OMCH does some extra work and checks in to see if Nick knows her or not.

A girl tells Nick that she likes that he has balls and she does too, to which he clearly worries that the show has given him a mister not a sister, but she just meant piercings.  One girl forces him to "Lady and the Tramp" an uncooked weiner aka an uncooked hotdog, savages. More than half of the girls are wearing red dresses, including a girl that comes up riding a camel with "I hear you like a good hump." The girl that claims to love dolphins comes in wearing a shark outfit...not a dolphin! She says she too almost wore a red dress.

Nick is getting along well with the black attorney that I still fear does not make it past episode 6, then again Nick is media savvy enough to maybe keep her? There is the usual first episode foolishness of girls wondering if they should kiss the lead while others worry that they are not getting enough time with the lead but not aggressively going for it.

The 'Dolphin' girl gets told by Nick that she is in a shark outfit but she keeps insisting that she is a  dolphin. The black attorney gets the first impression rose this leads other girls to tears of fears.

First Rose Ceremony of the season:

If the girl from the wedding does not get a rose is she going to be crushed that her sexual prowess could not score her a rose? The 'dolphin' girl gets a rose and many an eye-roll ensues.
Sex at the wedding girl gets the final rose.

"My heart is gold but my 'vaginne' is platinum" an actual line from the 'coming up on this season' teaser reel.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.