The women tell all...but not really

The show starts with Sean and Chris going around to Bachelor viewing parties, I feel fine mocking these dorks all getting together to watch the show, then I remember that I sit on my couch texting funny quips to my friends and typing up snarky recaps…I hate myself, just one more week to go. Sean of course is 'forced' to take off his shirt.

 

The ‘fallen’ women are introduced and there are a few that I barely remember, makes sense they showed up for this reunion show otherwise how else will they get those club booking fees?

Des claims she didn’t know what to expect and I think she is either incredibly stupid or just stupidly lying.

 

“You gotta hide your crazy” I am stealing that from Selma.

 Brooke calls the girls out as being jealous of Tierra for taking more initiative. Oh Brooke I see what you are doing here, no one really remembers who you are other than "Hey the Bachelor added darker skin tones" so why not pick a crazy stance that will force people to do a double take at you.

 

Robyn looks better now than on the show, guess money and fame will do it.

We see Tierra putting on an obscene amount of perfume/body spray; What is the Axe for women? Is it Love Spell?

 Tierra comes out to silence; I love how serious the audience takes it.

Tierra starts talking and the women have “bitch please’ face as they listen to her.

I love Tierra, she is like a Batman villain, you know how no matter how many times the Joker gets captured he is unrepentant and continues his crime spree the minute he gets a chance? Well Tierra will always sparkle. Maybe all these women need to realize that Tierra is incapable of saying “good morning” it is not that she hates them it is that she does not see them...Tierra also tells us that maybe she was not all there, when the show was taping "I honestly can't tell you what, every day, happened in the house." – Did she treat it like a hostage situation and just try to blank it out?

 I need a screen grab of Tierra’s ‘stink eye face’.

 When will they get to that gaudy ass rock on Tierra’s finger?

Tierra starts to apologize and I am shocked SHOCKED until she adds the “for you guys thinking [that]”, I am a big fan of the deflection apology.

Tierra throws out that she won “Little Miss. Nevada” and now I realize this is what Honey Boo Boo might become.

Tierra initially hesitates to tell us when she got engaged then confesses that it was in January, hmm that time-line is very suspicious. I had no idea that there are rumors that the fiancé might be fake or the whole engagement staged, the latter I could see but a fully faked fiancé? Is she a former Notre Dame linebacker?

 

 I have to mentally prepare myself because coming up after the break is Sarah. We get to see a rundown of all the challenges Sean put her through; if he had made her compete in a clapping contest followed by chin ups it would not have been shocking after watching that montage. I forgot that when Sean gives her the boot we had to watch her zip up a suitcase, and it gives you quick insight into how easily we forget the value of 2 hands. I have heard a lot of people say that she should be the next Bachelorette and I say to you now…it would not be fun to watch, there would be way more sad moments than fun moments, but hey maybe that would finally convince me to stop watching.

 

It is Des’s (potential Bachelorette) turn in the hot seat but really don’t we all just wish her brother was there also or maybe instead of her? These girls all sound so desperate and like victims when you see their exits all in a row. Des has a chin cleft like a boxer. Trust me do not just google "Deiree's Chin" you have to be way more specific than that if you do not want to just see a parade of Asian girls self-portraits.

 

I think the most amazing thing about AshLee is that she did not turn into a stripper with that spelling and a marriage at 17. AshLee says she is no longer in love with Sean, and it is probably true, that kind of crazy burns fast. She takes a shot at frat boys; come on AshLee, you know you have been with a frat boy or 2 dozen.

 

Sean is brought out and we have to see him and AshLee awkwardly hug and pretend that there is chemistry.

 

That awkward moment when there is a he said she said about the fantasy suite.

 AshLee accuses Sean of telling her that he "had absolutely no feelings" "nothing" for the other women which he of course claims he did not say. Right at this moment my MS word program crashed, makes me wonder if the computer is trying to spare me from myself. Angry AshLee is hot AshLee, I would give her all the money in my wallet if she got pissed at me in a bar, I need counseling. Sean genuinely looks trapped and I think a few things

1.      Sean probably was dumb enough to say something that led AshLee to think the other girls were out of the running

2.      Sean was too dumb to come up with a better answer than "I wouldn’t say that"

3.      Sean was dumb enough to think that he could say something lovey dovey to that brand of crazy and not have it come back to haunt him

a.       She probably badgered it out of him since they "talked all night"

4.      Sean was dumb enough to forget that this is a girl who got married at 17 and likes to yell out random expressions of love

5.      Sean is DUMB

 

Des claims her brother likes Sean, if that is how he shows affection that guy is going to kill someone with affection.

Blooper reel time:

Seeing Chris Harris curse is funny to meShe takes a shot at frat. The girls get caught by all sorts of wild life, even nature hates this show.

As they do a quick montage of the season I wonder how empty the shelves of H&M and Forever 21 in LA become during Bachelor casting season. I wonder if rub and tugs violate Sean’s virginity code, because that is a lot of making out and close contact with a lot of women, especially for a man who already knows what sex feels like.

Ugh next week is 3 hours, and I know I will watch it

 

A doggy montage ends the show and thus I know that dog is dead, yup RIP Magic. 2004-2013.

Cannot shake this, Magic Johnson has had or 'had' (depending on source) HIV since the early 90s, I remember watching his press conference and being really sad because I thought he would be dead in a few years, the world needs whatever cocktail of drugs he used (okay, okay and his wealth to get them).

 

If like me you always assumed the 'tell all' show was heavily edited the LA Times is here with proof  http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/tv/showtracker/la-et-st-women-tell-all-behind-the-scenes-20130304,0,1406591.story Sadly so much of what was left on the cutting room floor seems much better than what we saw.

Bachelor Recap (episode 9) or Do not tell someone your ring size unless they are ready to propose to you

If this was your fist time watching the Bachelor, I would not be surprised if you never came back, this episode was the most boring of the season, bit of a bland appetizer to cleanse the palate before we get to the spiciness of next weeks "Catfight" or whatever the real name is of the 'Women tell all' episode.

Sean calls Catherine goofy and then admits to being goofy himself, yes to start the show we get Sean telling us about all three girls it is basically a “previously on the Bachelor” recap without a proper voice over artist doing it.

 The problem with this recap is that it quickly shows you how dumb all these persons are.

We are graced with Sean in the pool blatantly posing for the camera; you are welcome ladies, and some men.

They go to a Thai market and everything looks flashy then Sean the sadist strikes again, Lindsay had told him that she would try anything except bugs and so of course Sean takes her to go eat bugs. I worry about this guy and whomever he finally ends up with.

Lindsay says she would love exploring the world, remember ladies, the show pays for all these trips not the Bachelor.

“There are beautiful flowers made out of petals” Words of a developmentally challenged kid or Lindsay? Trick question it is both. Again, remember people, she is a TEACHER. Lindsay says that every time she wants to tell Sean that she loves him, she becomes tongue tied, I wonder if any of that has to do with how rapidly she resorts to kissing when her brain is stalled. Ladies, if you love a man, just say it especially if you are on a show that claims to be a method of finding love.

Everyone knows what the fantasy suite envelope contains right? No one has ever needed it explained? Just noticed, Lindsay’s dress is horrid.

Watching Sean and Lindsay in the fantasy suit is just one word AWKWARD, she wanted to build up to an I love you and then it came out rather forced, but I loved his response “I love hearing you say that”. I have got to remember that technique.

It is now AshLee’s turn to kiss in lieu of using words. Sean continues his theme of trying to make the girls panic: AshLee freaks out that they have to swim through a cave. Another quick lesson to anyone, when you are on a TV show not based on challenges then you never have to fear the situations they place you in, they are going to take every precaution to make sure their cash cow keeps on producing. Oh did you know AshLee was abandoned as a child? If not, you have not listened to her talk for more than 10 minutes.

Jamaica has got to throw some money ABC’s way, we need to get the Bachelor to come to our island and get us some cheap publicity like all these other touristy destinations. (To anyone reading this, the water in Jamaica looks much cleaner than the water in Thailand).

AshLee basically hints that she is fine with giving up the cookies; she just does not want to do it if Sean is sharing cookies with the other girls.

Sean gets AshLee to accept the fantasy suite invite by assuring her that all he wants to do is talk...millions of guys are now shaking their head thinking "no one ever believes me when I say that."

AshLee tells us her ring size, she went with the “I think” method but we all know she knows exactly what her ring size is.

Catherine comes racing up the beach and the date begins. Even hotties have insecurities – Catherine reveals body image issues.

I confess this date really really really really bored me; I just could not get invested in it, even when Catherine basically listed her entire life goals, marriage, and a baby. She gives a long speech about the fantasy suite and then of course accepts the invite.

The Bachelor does a cheesy tie in with the new Oz movie, no chance I see this in theaters, it looks like a chick flick wrapped up in sci-fi, nothing in the trailer grabs me.

The girls get to leave Sean messages aka known as, ‘I feel much safer talking to a camera than talking to you’ vignettes. Both Catherine and AshLee break out the twins for their rose ceremony outfits, Lindsay shocks me by dressing sedately, I guess the wedding dress sapped all her fun outfits.

AshLee you tricky devil, dropping the water works in your message to Sean, nice move, maybe too much, but I see what you did there.

Lindsay gets the first rose and then the producers force Sean to pause as long as possible before giving the 2^nd rose to Catherine…my prediction lives one more week! I hate to think this, but I think Sean did not want to get with the woman older than him…AshLee I would love to date you except I cannot stand your habit of bringing up the childhood trauma, I know I am shallow and I would walk and talk you through it, but I fear it would always be an argument ender.

Catherine notes that AshLee did not say goodbye to them, what is with her and her concern for all the girls leaving? She does know that this is a competition right? The 2 remaining girls have to stand in their rose reception spots and stare out at Sean sitting on a bench mourning the girl he just sent home…self-esteem on high!

Too soon to make the AshLey feels abandoned joke?

 

Because the show overall was so boring I provide you with this:

Look at the big girl, she might be the single scariest fighting force in the world, she throws a table, deflects a chair bare handed then catches another with just one hand. She then stands amidst the chair bombs like nothing is happening. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=z0NCSPh4HvM

It is the "Sean Tells All" episode of the Bachelor

(argh wrote this last week and forgot to post)

And I may or may not be watching this during my lunch break…I want to hate myself, I clearly do. I have a friend who is convinced that Chris Hanson is an amazing interviewer; I think I just lost a friend. An email deal just flashed in my inbox and it is for a chainsaw, I live in a condo, will never have use for a chainsaw and yet I really, really want it. But I digress; they are recapping Sean talking to Des' brother. Sean claims he wanted to hit him…why not just do it?

In the 'Tell All' there is a scene with Sean and the Bro in the exact same spot where the confrontation occurs and the Bro is laughing and joking with Sean and telling him how much he appreciates him. Is the Bro bi-polar? Is he doing it for the camera? Was he setting Sean up prison style for a later shanking? Look at those tats!

If so much had not already been made of Sean's virginity I would think he was going to slip it to Des on the side while the other 3 were still dating him. Their goodbye definitely had the lingering look of 'sex is on the table' and literally on the table.

Watching this without my DVR is painful; I never watch these "coming up on the Bachelor" promos that they run after every segment, I am already watching, already shamefully invested no need to force me to acknowledge the junk I am going to then have to see.

Sarah is described as a fan favorite, guess this means I went against America's wishes in wanting her off the show. Great, we now have to relive all the sob stories, I have already stated my case in other blogs but to be concise, this is like watching comedies and having them address serious issues, I do not watch you for this. (Looking clearly at you HIMYM, the whole Marshall's dad dying season long arc was a blight on your stellar resume).

Wow! Sean says kissing Sarah is what let him realize he couldn’t be with her, way to help her self-esteem there.

"Welcome back to a very special edition of the Bachelor" oh come on, this is barely a regular edition, no need to call it special and definitely no need for 'very'. They recap the Selma does not kiss Sean episode and even though I know the outcome I keep expecting to hear her say to Sean "but we can do hand-stuff".

"Yeah you know how daddy likes his brownie, give it to me" Sean says this to Leslie as she feeds him a brownie, it would have been so awesome if Robyn popped up just in that moment.

Argh never ever watching this show without my DVR again, so many promos for crappy shows, this 'Zero Hour' show is probably not making it to next season, I don’t think I even need to waste time watching the pilot I recorded.

And we get to the Tierra recap, really the only reason why anyone is watching this hour right? Sean thinks he was duped; well at least he is smart enough to realize that. He claims that no one pressured him into keeping Tierra, I want to believe him, but I cannot.

The fight that we saw between Tierra and Robyn was actually just a small portion of the fight that apparently went on for hours. Allow the cynic in me to present 2 arguments. 1. I wonder if the Tierra v Robyn portion of the fight was highlighted because the Bachelor needed to really show that there are minorities on the show and 2. I wonder if the Tierra v Robyn portion was featured because we have the crazy chick v the angry black chick narrative that they think we need to see. Okay no more cynic, back to regular recapping and mocking.

Ashley P., constantly reminds us that her mom is in love with Sean. Catherine passes notes to Sean, I am worried that my pick of her winning it all might be in jeopardy; then again he is goofy enough to love it all. Catherine can fit in the hub of a Snow truck wheel, I think she just did it to show off that she is flexible…I love it.

Sean lets us know that it is none of our business what happens in a fantasy suite. I agree and disagree, in a normal world it is not, but in a world where we are 'forced' to watch you court someone all season on camera, you better expect us to want to know what happens through to the 'end'.

Watching the promo for next week, I think someone ties Sean's ties for him – the 'Have Sean get dressed in front of the mirror' scene, looks like someone who does not know how to tie a tie.

This whole episode just solidified all my thoughts of this season, Sean is boring, insanely boring, and any spark we see is provided by the women around him. And the episode closes out with Sean showering set to porno music…have at it ladies.

Bachelor recap or…you are not good enough for my sister Episode 8

We start in Houston TX with AshLee spreading a picnic blanket on a field that needs to be mowed, couldn’t they find something in the limo budget for a quick mow. (yes I know that counts as flowers but come on) My bro’s contribution, these people are overdressed. We now find out that AshLee’s dad is a pastor and so is Sean’s, as a PK myself I say gag me with a spoon, no way would I end up on this show (said now only because I do not think there is a chance of me getting on it). But really, her dad must have a heart-attack every time someone brings up this show to him. AshLee once again does her screaming into the air thing, and then notes that she has never brought home someone she is truly madly in love with…guess that marriage at 17 didn’t count.

“I have been dreaming about this day since I was 4 or 5 years old” wow she must have been a prescient child to know that she wanted to go on a dating show at just 4 years old, and even before ABC ever greenlit this show. I hope she can tell me my next few days of plans I really want to know what I plan to do this weekend. Uhmm so AshLee tells her parents about rolling around in the sand with Sean. I do not even tell my parents about holding hands with girls and this girl is confessing sand rolling? [While re reading this for obvious mistakes because let's be honest I am too lazy to properly proof read a thought struck me, maybe AshLee is confessing this all now with Sean there knowing her parents will not throw a fit in public with the cameras present and it is easier to explain now versus awkwardly sitting on the couch watching the show with them. ) AshLee’s mom has a heart to heart with Sean and she looks like she could take Sean apart but he charms her with his blandness.

Sean cannot tell her father that he loves her; he goes with the “crazy about her” line. Sean asks the question I wanted to know and he shocks me by being smart enough to ask it (unless the producers wrote it for him) basically the question is a version of this “How could you sign off on your 17 year old daughter getting married?”

Catherine is up. Seattle here comes an over produced dating special.

They go to the fish market to catch fish, easy joke alert; wouldn’t it make more sense for them to catch crabs? Ugh cot damn there is a wall of gum just sitting there…I know I am foreign so maybe this is just one of those American things I just do not get. Sean attempting to speak a Tagalog word is strangely endearing which annoys me, cause I just want to mock him 24/7.

Shocking that Sean does push-ups in front of the fam with Catherine on his back. But I love the stone-faced looks of her sisters. Her sisters are relationship killers, is this cattiness or over-protectiveness, I cannot tell. I just know that if I were Catherine I would be putting pillows over their faces the minute I saw this show. Sean does not get the blessing from Catherine's mom.

Linsday is up so off we go to Missouri and we are reminded instantly that her dad is a 2 star general. Sean thinks that her home-town is most closely related to real life than anything else, I really do wonder sometimes about this boy. I am surprised that Lindsay cannot figure out why Sean would have a problem in knowing what to call her father. . .She then puts him into Army grunt clothing and has him run through a mini-obstacle course and I admire her for finally having Sean do some working out since he has already had these women, jump into freezing lakes, attempt roller derby, climb cliffs and saw wood.  Not to mention canoeing, rappel down tall building and having to pretend that they are not just on the show for face-time, what a sadist this man has been.

Lindsay's mom has a high pitched voice and I realize that I was expecting her to bark out like a drill sarge, even though I know she is not the General. Sean talking to the General is awkward, right after telling him that they have only been talking for 2 hours he asks for his blessing. The General gives a speech about his para-trooper days and it’s a roundabout way of saying…go for it – the army needs to instantly get rid of this man. I applaud his service to our nation, I applaud his standing for what needs to be done, but after seeing this show, how are the troops ever going to respect him? Give him a very nice retirement package, but he has to go NOW.

Desiree's turn and she is in LA or Hollywood depending on how you want to look at it. Obviously they are hiking Runyon Canyon, I used to live just down the street there and it was definitely the trail to hike if you want to be seen and appear to be fit but not actually work out that hard. Sean helps Des prepare dinner for her family and then a guy shows up and immediately I am thinking this is a work. And damn it we now see Sean balling up his fist, I knew it was faked in the promo where it looked like Sean was going to fight the brother. Damn it producers, well done with getting us to bite on the fake fight as part of the real fight – yup they haven’t revealed it yet but I am pretty sure this guy is faking the “I want you back Des” thing. Now let’s see we are in LA, and we have Des acting something out…hmm methinks this girl might be on the show for more than one reason. And yes, it turns out to be fake, kind of a meta look at what the whole show is about!

Should I find it weird that we are seeing the family at Des’ home not at the Parents’ home? Des’ parents are really quick to accept Sean as a future son in law, a little too quick. Des’ brother on the other hand does not seem like he is ready to even accept Sean as a boyfriend. I cannot help staring at the tats on this guy: Dare I say prison tats? His talk with Sean appears quite stilted; the brother thinks Sean might be a bit of a playboy (he would not think that if he saw how boring Sean really is). Des’ joke with the fake bf does not appear as funny when you see the talk with the brother unless you are a sarcastic viewer then it is hilarious.

Before we get to the rose ceremony moment we have to know is coming, it seems obvious to me at this point that Des is gone. From the having dinner at her place so we do not see the parents' home; to the prank on Sean who to me does not seem completely capable of processing pranks; to and pause for this one; her brother calling a guy who goes on a show that starts with dozens of women competing for him a playboy; to Sean having 'confused face' it seems clear Des has to go. If you call the guy who stars in the Bachelor a playboy, what does that make your sister who willing went on the show?

Just before we get to the decision making process of the Rose ceremony we get the Sean shirtless scene, I guess it was too much to hope a whole episode could go by without it. Before the announcements Des pulls Sean aside to apologize for her brother, could this be a game-saver? Note that both the girls who are on the chopping block are girls whose family members were not exactly supportive of their sisters.

Oooh drama, Sean puts down the rose and walks out. Back to the study to stare at pictures of the 2 girls that might be sent home, mysteriously they are both side by side on different shelves from the 2 girls that were already picked. And Sean sends Des home, presumably to beat her brother with a stick or a cricket bat (too soon?). 

I wonder if this means she will be the new Bachelorette.

Has this show just become a season long audtion for the show that I first started watching without ever even seeing a single episode of the Bachelor of Bachelorette...Bachelor Pad?

There is another episode on tonight, I hate myself but I know I will be watching it.

 
 

Bachelor recap or "keep your heart open and love will always find its way in" syke - Episode 7

Okay let us remember this forever: If a girl comes on a show ‘looking for love’ and has an open heart tattoo, she is going to be crazy. That is your instant lesson, and we are still on the, “coming up on the Bachelor” first minute of the show.

By the way this blub from Tierra's Bio is instructive

"If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
My future soul-mate! I just want to meet him already. Someone who it is just as natural and we are best friends!" (sic)
Tierra cry-face

“I am not friends with girls who like my boyfriends” Tierra even when you say something that should make sense, it sounds crazy when I see the look on your face. And…you get to stay in a hotel suite with a real bed but break out a hide-away bed? Because you do not want to share a room with your competition; hey if this is the only way you can sleep, go for it. I suspect Tierra could sleep on a bed of nails tipped with acid and not have a problem with it as long as she thinks it would advance her in the competition.

So Sean and his one-on-one date get to hang out on a luxury boat, but of course to get out there they have to swim to it. Again, to hang out with Sean you have to work out for Sean. Watching them swim just makes me miss the water back home. I love living in Cali, but no one with an ounce of sense would claim the water here is great. Every time I enter the water here I think I have reduced my chance of having kids by percentage points.

 I genuinely loathe these LeVian chocolate diamond ads. Take inferior diamonds, add fancy promotion and a sweeter name than ‘plain old brown’ diamonds then hype the price. Rinse and repeat

Tierra gets the one on one yet still makes pouty face, because there might be bugs and there might be the chance of her makeup running yet she wanted it to be a boat date…I confess I do not know much about makeup but I do know a lot about boats and water: wouldn’t the makeup run after going in the ocean?

AshLee has a big secret to tell Sean and takes six hours to get it out, but of course has to mention her adoption again first, look I know it’s a big deal but yeesh I think I have heard about it every time she has had more than 2 minutes with Sean (actual math may be wrong). Her big secret is that she got married at 17, I thought it was going to be that she killed a man with boredom.

As I am watching my NY Times app says “North Korea is suspected of Conducting 3^rd Nuclear Test” and I am ashamed to say I immediately thought “Must have been to break up this boring ass date”.

“He bought me the most incredible things that a guy can buy on the first date”, this is while Sean and Tierra are walking through a craft market. Uhmm Tierra, every guy that has ever been on vacation with a girl has bought that stuff, I have even bought it for girls I was only mildly interested in, it is the rite of passage for couples on an island vacay. I have never been to St Croix, but I have a hard time believing that this impromptu street carnival is a normal thing, methinks the Bachelor producers had a little thing going on here or the St. Croix department of Tourism realized that they might as well get bang for their advertising buck.

I love Tierra’s either delusion or method of spin, when she claims that the other girls go and do their own thing without inviting her. We should send Tierra to go negotiate with North Korea, she can clearly manipulate men merely by gazing at them and spouting nonsense. She tells Sean she thinks he has been distant and then Sean in his confessional “I didn’t feel like I was being distant, but looking back at it I guess subconsciously I was”. Tierra is a Svengali, she could kill the NK nuclear program in a one hour date with Kim Jong-un. “I thought I hated America, but Tierra told me that what I really hated was the fact that we get the Bachelor on a delay. Thanks to her I now know that bombing the West Coast would forever remove her from my life”. Go Team America.

Now Sean is performing a 4am raid on the girls - yup Sadist. I think Catherine might have a shot to win this whole show. If Sean wasn’t so goofy I would think the whole taking the girls to see the sun rise thing was cool. But it was also ruined for me when he said “we are the first 4 people in America to see the sun rise” and I kept wanting him to add “plus the camera crew, the writers (reality sure), the producers, the security and craft services, but other than them, we are the first 4”. By the way Sean makes it sound like they will not have enough time to drive all the way across the island in one day, let me rob my readers of any disillusionment, the island is only 28miles long by 7 miles. They could have run across it in a day, but hey let’s pretend that using the highway system is impossible.

What the hell, I see 3 American women on a Caribbean beach and nobody has braided hair?  I thought this was reality TV? It is the second week in a row that Catherine gets some camera shine and it is the 2^nd week in a row she tells us a story involving death or potential death: Catherine tells a story about her dad's attempted suicide and it is a heartbreaking story but I swear to you Sean’s first reaction is to smile and say “Thank you for telling me that”. It may have been a nervous smile but good grief son, figure out a better response.

 Lindsay gets the rose despite not telling a sob story like Catherine and Des (my family lived in tents) and drops this gem on us ""I am on cloud nine. The crazy girl that walked in in the wedding dress now has the hometown rose. Nobody saw that coming." Her words tell you all you need to know about her and the choice.

Tierra is really good at the' hideaway and listen in' move after we send her to North Korea; we should just have her spy on whatever enemies we may still have left. I am sure there are some Al Qaida peeps she could easily locate for us. I am drinking a tonne of Jamaican rum while watching this show I wonder if I should read this over before posting. I find it hard to stomach that the “crazy girl that walked in wearing a wedding dress” [her words] is a substitute teacher, I really hope she made up her profession, I really do; this girl cannot be shaping the minds of the impressionable young. Unless she is a substitute teacher like the person who teaches kindergarten PE is a teacher, I can live with that.

I think every girl but Lesley has said she is falling in love with Sean but the thing that gets me the most is how often they say “Uhm”. I would count it, but my head might explode.

Sean’s sister shows up, please, please, please tell me she has some personality. I never get the whole bring a family member in who has not been with you the whole time. How can they help you make a decision if they do not know the girls?

Tierra keeps taking shots at AshLee’s (seriously what the hell is that spelling?) age of 32. I wish I could fast forward to Tierra’s life at 32, I suspect that AshLee’s 32 is going to be a lot better than Tierra’s 32 especially since I think that Tierra already looks older than AshLee so good luck with that. She also tells all the girls that no one can take her Sparkle, don't worry Tierra, no one saw that movie so it is yours to keep.  

But seriously quoting your parents as the ones who have told you that you have "Sparkle" is just like quoting your parents calling you their "special girl" no one cares. And seriously chica, what is up with your eyebrows? You really cannot control them? We should study this; completely independent eyebrows might be a thing!

Tierra is crying in front of Sean and he has the look that I used to have when I was dating a young girl that I knew I should break up with but I was too coward to break up with, she would cry in front of me but because I was just waiting and hoping she would break up with me I would just casually lean back and watch her cry. I think Tierra may have overplayed the crying move, she cried past the point of meeting Sean’s sister, she cried so much that she may have finally pushed Sean to the breaking point. And yup there he goes, he is sending her home. Looks like Tierra was so pissed she didn’t even give them the second ‘clean walk away’ so they could get the camera person out of the way and edit for a smooth transition. And I now discover something I never knew I cared about, but immediately wanted to know, there are NO limos on St. Croix. Now I know I am taking a leap here, but since Sean walked Tierra out to a Minivan I have to imagine there were no limos at all on the island because if there had been even a beaten up 1954 limo the Bachelor would have found it and used it.

Guess that infinity bracelet he bought you earlier in the week means nothing now huh Tierra?

Ha, Sean walks back to his sister who is still just sitting at the picnic bench like nothing has happened. And more importantly she is not surrounded by drinks. Wow she might be just as bland as Sean, I would be at least 7 drinks in by this point, but then again I am a big ole alcoholic; after all it is a Monday night I have work in the morning and have already had 3 drinks while watching a show that only lasts 1.5 hours in DVR time.

No Cocktail party tonight, Sean gives some reason but I ignore it, because I have already made up my mind that they are not doing the party because it is too windy. These poor girls have been positioned in that horrible seating arrangement that they always force them in known as the ‘All girls on one couch’ move and the wind is just whipping their hair. Why do they always force them all into one tiny space?

Ever wonder what Chris Hanson does in the back before he has to come out to announce that there is just one rose left? I mean his job is super easy right? Could he be back there just knocking back shots or doing rails? Has he ever been late for his cue? Does a producer some time have to come running into the back to look for him “Chris we need your one line”?

Sean sends home the girl with the best body but the worst face (which by the way at this stage does not mean ugly) by comparison. I have to wonder, why is Catherine more broken up by Leslie’s departure than she is? 'Letsbehonest' seems weird.

The preview for next week has Sean looking like he is squared up for a fight, I have such a hard time believing it that I have to think it is just a swerve…good job promo department.

Last lingering thought, I kind of wanted to see Tierra's hometown date because I wanted to see what produced her.

 

Bachelor recap or why must we torture Canada also?

Now that I know that I have more than one reader of my recaps I really should pay attention to grammar syntax etc but nope.

I cannot believe I am watching a 2^nd straight night of the Bachelor.

Sean kicks the show off with, “I love Canada” I do too, but I would have bet serious money on Sean not being able to point it out on a map. And with that single line Sean pays off the Canadian board of Tourism.

Katherine (cutie) gets the one on one date (one on one – ten years ago all dates were automatically considered one on ones) and she is placed in what looks like a frozen tundra setting. She then uses the phrase “…Sean came and rescued me” when describing Sean arriving to pick her up, she is automatically seeming less cute to me and again leads to the question I voiced a few weeks back: These girls know this is not all real right? They know that they will not actually be left out in the cold permanently and left to die if he does not show up? Right? Right? Please say right.

Uh oh, my brother is up, I am strongly debating shifting to something else on the DVR I don’t even want to try to explain this to him. Even worse he is talking to me now, if I pause it to listen he will instantly know that I am taking this show seriously. Oh crap, Katherine’s story was so bad that I yelled “what the hell? Is this legit?” My brother is now laughing at me cause I yelled “Courtney you believe this, her friend dies in front of her at 12 and that made her realize immediately that she needed to get married?” My brother is now laughing at me and at Sean, who heard that BS story and said “I agree”.

I think I may have converted a new watcher. He is even making comments.

I stand by my thoughts from yesterday on Sean, he is a sadist; come on man, a polar bear plunge?

My bro’s thoughts on the life guard: “They deliberately chose someone unattractive so he would not compete with the Bachelor. Watching this with him could be fun. The real time back and forth comments are hilarious.

This is not suspicious at all, they all had swim suits available…yes I know the show could have brought it for them but yeah, it looks suspicious.

Oh Tierra, shockingly you are freezing, everyone else has decided to put on shoes, blankets and robes, but you decided to fall to the frozen ground conveniently while you have persons near you to scoop you up. Yes I am saying I think you faked this whole thing, yes I think you are a big bag full of crazy cats enough to risk hypothermia to make sure you did not go home. My bro after only watching for 5 minutes and before seeing the polar bear plunge fiasco labeled Tierra the “drama one”, I guess everyone in my family can quickly spot crazy…well maybe except for me; I tend to only see the crazy in girls after we break up.

(edit, I just added the pix, want to see if this works because maybe just maybe I am going to start using pix, unless it messes up the clean visuals which I use so my friends can sneak in reads while at work)

YUP, seeing Sarah’s one arm caught my bro by surprise too; makes me feel like less of an ass.

Wow Tierra puts on a lot of perfume. I mean wow, is that normal? Do girls normally do 200 passes with the spray?

Hahah should someone from DC (Lesley) so causally blend the words Tierra and Terrorist so easily? I don’t know but I love her for it; a Tierrorist is just an awesome word. When Tierra gives her confessionals and breaks down the other girls I am momentarily in love with her, then she keeps talking.

So Sean is booting Sarah, and though I knew it would eventually come I still feel bad, and I want to call the ADA (yup I know I am bad for that because I should not even care about her disability but…come on man, wait till the rose ceremony). Sarah’s packing scene shows why those scenes when a porter comes in to pick up a single rolling bag are such junk. This girl had so many things but yet when a girl gets booted the guy comes in and casually picks up a light small bag to signify she is off the show.

It is not a good date when the best part of your date is climbing a tree. Sean: “You are so positive” Girl (who is so boring on this date that I cannot bother to rewind to see her name): “I know”. Wha wha what? Who says “I know” to that? Oh man my neighbors are going to be so pissed, I just cackled because shortly after dropping the “I know” she then said “I think this is why I am so HUMBLE” (emphasis mine).

So Selma will not plunge in a lake but she will go against the wishes of her culture/parents and heritage to kiss the Bland Bachelor for a last second secure a rose moment. Hmm I wonder if typing BB will be faster than typing Sean, or at least will it cause me more fun?

Did BB kiss every single girl tonight? He might be milquetoast but at least he is testing the waters.

One rose, 3 girls, one family’s shame, one full bag of crazy and Tierra wins out again.

I guess St Croix is the latest country to offer free room and board to the Bachelor crew.

And yup I knew it, promotional consideration for this week’s episode paid for by Canada…oh Canada! 

And now because you have come to expect it, here is E's synopsis: 

Did they feel bad about all the dead bear shots in the lodge that they had to show some live ones at the beginning?

If Sean says he likes the outdoor one more time… he will maybe have hit the million mark.

I feel bad because as I watched the intro of "Tonight on the Bachelor" and it showed Tierra looking like death… I laughed.  Hard.

I don't know that I would trust Sean driving that beast of a snow bus.

Anyway, I just laughed at another replay of Tierra suffering.  What's wrong with me?

Any challenge that requires a medic because there is a good possibility of hypothermia and death is something I'd think twice about doing.  And that reminded me of a most awesome video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9tPJF3KN9w

HAHA! "I think I'm from Baghdad. We are warm weather people." As in she won't do cold stuff.  I love it.

And because of my DVR I missed the whole thing with Tierra getting too cold.  I am going to try and watch i again later when it isn't being such a little bitch.  And… motherfucker.  DVR back to playing now that the big scene is over. I hayt u dvd, u going to hell tomorrow.

And… there goes one arm girl.  Finally.

More live bears…

Okay, I am leaving my computer so IF I have additional musings I'll send another email.

E

Bachelor recap or…milking the one arm thing again

As always, slap-dashed together for a live blog with E. Her super-concise version is below my not so concise version

I am not sure I can do 2 straight days of this show. My first 30 minutes of the show is not a great recollection, my bro is in town and I was cooking dinner while watching the show in an attempt to quickly sneak in the show so he could not A. see it on my DVR and B. catch me watching it. 

They fly the girls out to Montana, at first I was thinking wow that has to be an expensive trip then I realized instantly how dumb that thought was, if you fly one you can fly all just rent a damn plane. 

Tierra does not hesitate to quickly show us the crazy, celebrating going on a date that all the other girls fear.

The girls do some weak-sauce competition with the big issue being they will have to end it all by drinking goat’s milk and there was actual hesitation – seriously? That is a problem? Drinking MILK! Of course the one-armed young lady mentions here arm as part of the challenge, but luckily it is not a challenge that will be hindered by the arm, or the lack thereof. I am beginning to think that Sean has a thing for watching girls engage in potentially harmful activities, he was beaming as those girls sawed a log. The girls that won are justifiably mad that they won the challenge but Sean still decides to bring the other girls on the date, Aaron loves that Selma got so pissed off that she spoke in the 3^rd person, though Aaron suspects she does it all the time. 

Tierra brings a whole bucket of crazy into the night by sneaking into Sean’s confessional time, which also lets us see Sean trying to turn on the charm for the camera when the producers ask him questions designed to entice great answers…DULL DULL DULL DULL DULL GUY. He should just walk around with his shirt off to keep the ladies enticed and piss guys like myself off (“don’t get mad, get motivated”). 

Ugh another girl uses the “this is like a fairy tale to me” line, I hate that, I cannot trust anyone who says that.

 Cut to Tierra and Jackie getting the date card info and I suddenly realize I want Tierra to win not just because I don’t want that bag of crazy cats to leave yet, but also because of the name of the contestant she is going up against, I should probably talk to a pro about that. 

Contestants’ comforting each other is just weird to me, I might mock Tierra, but she at least plays the game aggressively, I know you do not need to undermine a contestant, but no way am I propping you up. It has become a clear formula, cry in front of Sean, and get a rose, any girl who has not see that yet is blind.

Can ice form between 2 persons in a car? Because the drive to Sean with Tierra and Jackie was frosty! I wonder if the first time a Bachelor was told he was having a ’2 on 1’ date his first thought was “YES THREESOME”

Wow that date with Jackie was boring, I know she was trying her hardest to snitch on Tierra while not snitching but yeesh it led to a boring date, it led to me making up ice-cream combos in my head, and then going to the freezer to get them. Now I have my bowl filled with French vanilla, cupcake party and and fried ice-cream, no chocolate tonight. (sorry Robyn). Does ‘cosmetics consultant’ mean you work at a makeup counter? Cold blooded move ‘Bachelor’ Jackie’s limo is driving away and fireworks are going off, that is awesome sauce (Shout out to my co-worker).

Damn it, I got shocked by the one arm thing again, I am live blogging the show titled the post about it and it still shocked me, I can never get over it. I always wonder if people focus on my scar when they see me and now, I wonder even more, thanks ‘Bachelor’ for making me even more insecure.

 Desiree “it seems like he gives roses to girls who are having a hard time” yup she gets it, her brains such as they are come out more and more each week.

I taught a few ex-gf’s how to throw punches; it was something I thought they should know. But if anyone ever taught Tierra how to fight, they should be locked up forever!

Sean asks the girls about Tierra, gets an answer then says he is not getting the right answers, shocking! Just admit that you do not want to hear anything they have to say about her.

Tierra strikes again and Robyn goes home, though I cannot help but think that bad chocolate joke from last week had a part to play in it! 

Anf now E's recap; 

Just a few comments tonight:

Fake excitement over going to Montana. You know the girls are like meh.

I am 3 for 3 for not knowing the musical guest. Not surprising tonight since it was country, but still...

Any time Tierra speaks, I just think she is more psychotic. Her actions do nothing to make me think I'm wrong.

Wow, that Daniella went in for the kiss! She was all crying an then BAM! Hot kiss. Lol

Robyn was so flipping mad the whole night as soon as she found out the blue team was coming back. She didn't even  pretend to be happy.

All these shots of dead bears around the lodge are a little creepy.

So Robyn goes home.... Ohhhh noooo!!!  J/k she annoys me.

January 28th E and I exchange Bachelor emails

First mine, then hers (though hers was written first but it is my blog so why not)

I know every week I mock the gratuitous shots of Sean with his shirt off, but in fairness to him, if I had his body I might never wear a shirt again. I am always amused by the girls initially clapping the news of X-girls date invite then having them express their disappointment in confessionals. 

I really really really think I have met this Selma girl. Last week I wondered out loud if the girls really thought the fabulous dates they go on would continue once the show was done…and this week it was answered. Selma kept exclaiming how much she wants to keep doing such fabulous things for ever. Have you ever noticed Sean often looks into the wrong direction when doing his confessionals? I really hope he is looking at a producer or a cue card and not that he has no idea how to use a camera. 

I can respect and applaud Selma’s love (and healthy fear) of her parents and their traditional values and thus her not kissing on TV. I would be lying if I did not say I was shocked that she held out, but I was impressed.

Watching the girls rollerblading is awesome, until we see that one of the girls cannot balance because…she has one arm. I hate the Bachelor for doing this to me, I do not want my heart strings tugged on, I want to mock these girls viciously not to pause because of a disability, so you know what? Back to mocking, after all we are supposed to treat everyone equally. Normally when watching sports I hate seeing anyone injured, even the mildest twinge of an ankle makes me feel bad. But, when Amanda wipes out, I had to chuckle because this girl had just faked for a long time that she was well versed in the game and then immediately ate it. Suckily Amanda’s injury cancels the chance of us seeing these girls compete. 

Tierra is back 100% with the crazy eyes. Here is a thought, if you want to walk off the show, then just do so. Why wait around to interrupt another girls date? And if you do not want to just stalk off the show but would rather politely let the bachelor know before you leave, why not wait till your moment to talk to him? I hear it shouted in my co-workers voice “DARAHMAAAAA” (yup that is how he spells it when he yells it). Well played Tierra, well played. Hahah he just said he looked into her eyes and saw something special, yes you did it is called ‘crazy’. 

Freaking out about receiving diamonds on a show that is designed with dating experiences in mind just seems foolish. All these Pretty Woman references and the girl loving the comparison of her to Julia Robert’s character in the movie; does she not understand the character was a WHORE? Man this guy lacks charisma, in the jewelry store, I am pretty sure Neil Lane was hoping he would make it more like the blatant ad it is for his store. 

Well this is awkward, they had a musician lined up for the post rose intimate dance and then poof…he lets the girl go; thus causing Sean to have to say the name of the featured act in a blatantly forced way and then show shots of him listening to the music alone. 

Tierra gives the world’s best apology: “That was kind of your bad” I have got to use that move the next time I am apologizing to someone immediately tell them it was their fault. Oh and can you say “I am too much of a woman…to let them get to me” when earlier in the epi you were crying because other girls had his attention?

Wha wha what? Tierra is only 24?????????? No way 

Rose Ceremony: blah blah bunch of pretty girls get roses. The girl who cracked her chin on the floor gets sent home, another ‘model’ gone. 

Post credits video…Sean does not know how to drive stick!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Now E's email

Okay, so I guess it is my turn to have some musings.  Please ignore all the typos and grammar mistakes, thanks. :)

So, we start off with another shirtless Shawn, and in his underwear.  Nice.

The girls are already crying within 5 minutes.  Seriously?  Oh my, this is going to be a long night.

Date 1: Selma
She says "all 110 lbs"… don't girls usually never, ever say their weight?  Anyway, she sort of reminds me of the actress Shiri Abbleby.  She was on Roswell.
She said he took the Iraqi to the desert.  Thats awesome, but she is not impressed.  She's such a princess.  This is really an amusing date so far.  At the top, queue to sweeping, soaring music.  Love conquers all.  VOM!  Now it's time for the after physical activity dinner date. Trailer park trash, hilarious.  I think it is hilarious that she's talking about not being able to kiss him because of her culture, but she has her tatas hanging out all over the place, especially on the climb up the rock.  Look at my whole body!  But I can't kiss you!  I'm a fucking cock tease.  Shawn's reaction, his noisy exhale, was hilarious.

Shawn is funny.  He reminds me of what it was like when I was looking at colleges.  I fell in love with each one that I went to, and forgot about the others, instantly.  He is like, "I'm so into you!!" to each girl he goes on a one on one date with. 

Group Date:
Roller Derby, this should be interesting.  The crazy girl is going to take someone out for sure!  I will clarify, the throw-myself-down-the-stairs crazy girl.
Seriously, did these girls never roller skate when they were little?  None of them can stay on their feet!  And it sucks watching the one armed girl.  I feel really bad for her.  She needs to go home so I stop feeling bad about her having one arm.  And the girl who lied about having experience and then ate shit is also a little crazy!  She was the one who was moping and all axe murderer during the rose ceremony the other week before shawn talked to her.  But, anyway, good call canceling the match. LOL

Dinner date (again, after physical activity, natch)
Man, Tierra is really giving the girls stank eye, right from the start.  I want her to stay around because she is so awesomely crazy.  I always wonder how the crazy chicks will ever get a date after the show airs.  Oh my god.  That injured girl's tonsils joke.. ick.  OH no.  Tierra said fustrating.  FUSTRATING!  Now I'm torn.  Crazy is fun TV, but talking like that annoys me.  It's a pet peeve.  Fustrating, supposably… really people.
So, this Tierra breakdown cracks me up.  How are you going to be upset about mot having a lot of time with him, all these other girls dating him, etc.  It's the Bachelor.  What did you think was going to happen?  She's not going to get any sympathy.  But I also think that it is very possible that she is just playing a good game.  Oh she plays dirty! She got the rose.  Shawn is an idiot.

Date 3: Leslie
I think that this girl is really attractive, even though she has an enormous mouth.  I would be very happy to have a shopping spree date.  That way when I eventually do not win the man, I get to go home with dope swag.  That pink dress is so ugly.  I would never even pick it up off the rack.  She's really cute though.  I don't really think they have a connection though.  Although maybe in a few minutes he's going to say he absolutely is falling for her.  Like he says after every date. 
Boring relationship talk during dinner.  Snore.  Ha!  He totally said the connection wasn't there.  I am on fire.  But that is sad for her. But, like I said… swag. 
Shawn said Ben Taylor was going to sing for them… WHO?  That must suck even more for this band that I don't know of.  LOL they are playing for no one.  So sad for them.

Oh no, I am live now.

Cocktail Party:
He just told them that if they have questions about the decisions that they make… queue the line of girls to ask why he gave the rose to Tierra.  LOL

Robyn's pick up line… I was embarrassed!  She's a weird one for sure.

Most fake apology ever on air.  And anyone who says "I came here to win this" is really not there to fall in love.  :)  Although I don't know how many people think they will actually fall in love, but judging by the exit interviews, everyone leaves broken hearted, even when they only had one conversation with him.

Rose Ceremony:
That Amanda girl looks like she should be a witch in a movie. Yikes.
That last girl he picked, Daniella, looks like she is dirty nasty sexy.  Sorry, but she does.  I like her.

Not surprising that crazy girl number two was let go.

Okay, those are my play by play ramblings. :)

Next week is TWO nights of the Bachelor!