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Sunday, July 13, 2014

Bachelorette recap or How to turn a death into a positive ratings grab.

My friend and I just took advantage of TGIF’s new all you can eat Appetizers, it was my first time in a TGIF in 6 years, we drank a tonne we ate a tonne and it will probably be another 6 years before I am hungry again.

Hometown dates:
Nick in Wisconsin is first:

Andi meets Nick in the Milwaukee public market. Nick calls it his favorite place in the city. Nick clearly has the bar put a new tap on with Nick and Andi beer “the Perfect brew”. It is probably sour.
Andi asks “what is a polka?” is she an attorney?
This is about as fun as Andi gets.
They finally meet Nick’s family...he has 10 siblings it is like so many stereotypes I have heard of Wisconsin. NO BUT SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THEM.
Nick’s dad pulls Andi aside but we never see the conversation. Instead we see the conversation with Andi and Nick’s closest sibling who brings up that Nick has had his heart broken before.
Andi also gets questioned by Nick’s 9 year old little sister Bella and Andi tries to explain what a “mental connection” is to her - run little girl, do not get dating advice from this woman. Nick then grills Bella for her questions and Andi’s answers (methinks he gave her the questions) she tells him that Andi really likes him. I find the age gap between Nick and his sister a bit strange, he is 33...I have a huge age gap in my family but this seems extraordinary especially since Nick does not seem like he is the oldest. My ex teases me constantly about the age difference between my brother and I, she hates me, but her mom is hot.

Nick gives a very creepy stare into the camera and says “I will never get enough Andi, I just want it to be us”. Nick does not tell her he loves her.

We go to Arlington, Iowa:
It is Chris’ hometown date and we get the obligatory shot of him walking alone in a huge field. Chris has a house and this impresses Andi, she keeps missing his hints that maybe the family paid for it he uses “ours” and “we” alot when talking about the home and property.

They take a tractor out into the field and Chris lets Andi drive, she pretends to panic like there could ever be an accident while they are out in acres and acres of property. THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1008" - Andi travels to Arlington, Iowa -- population less than 800 -- to visit Chris, the handsome and extremely successful farmer whose charming manner has proved an aphrodisiac to the Bachelorette. Andi is enchanted by the serene beauty of the Iowa countryside and the pair enjoy a tractor ride and a romantic picnic in the middle of a cornfield. There, they discuss what their future might be like together. Chris has a wonderful surprise for Andi to confirm his feelings for her. This bachelor's fun-loving family envelopes her with small town hospitality, sharing a laugh-filled evening of childhood memories and a game of hide and seek. Chris' family is more than Andi could have hoped for, but what does she really feel about swapping city life for country living? - on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JULY 7 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Matthew Putney) ANDI DORFMAN, CHRIS
Andi pretends that she could be happy in Iowa, Chris thinks Andi is excited about Iowa...Chris is wrong. Chris tells Andi that she could be a homemaker, she is less than pleased. He has a plane fly by with a banner ‘Chris loves Andi’, andi-dorfman-the-bachelorette-season-10-69
I know it is supposed to be cute but I get the feeling that life with Chris is filled with kitschy stuff that would just drive me nuts.

Chris' mom asks Chris if Andi could live in is not a good sign that everyone knows this could be a concern. Andi is NOT I repeat NOT moving to Iowa - She while talking to Nick’s mom says “I love my career” and we have to wonder “What career?”, reality TV? Because clearly she is not trying to be an attorney. Chris’ mom is very sweet. Daggum it.

To end the night they play “Ghost in the graveyard” and of course Andi finds Chris (they make out) because hey this is not scripted.

Tampa Florida:
Josh’s hometown:
Josh takes her to a baseball field and claims that it is tough for him to take anyone there that might be true, if I tried hard to make a team and it did not work out that might crush me. THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1008" - Andi heads south to Tampa to visit Josh's family. They enjoy a flirtatious afternoon playing baseball at his childhood field that was filled with future championship dreams. However, Andi learns that underneath that confidence Josh seems to exude, is pain from unfulfilled dreams. After five years of struggling, Josh quit professional sports to devote more time to his family - and in particular his younger brother, who now has been drafted into the NFL. Although she is touched by his commitment to his brother, Andi is concerned that he might not make the time necessary to make a relationship his number one priority. That anxiety deepens when she meets his family who is clearly dedicated to the pro football career of Josh's brother. Where does Andi fit into this family picture and Josh's life? - on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JULY 7 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Marc Edwards) JOSH M., ANDI DORFMAN
He throws Andi some soft pitches and she crushes them, she even breaks a bat...Great form: Andi stepped up to the plate and was smacking baseballs pitched by Josh
I keep staring at her shorts.
Josh makes it seem that he chose to give up baseball, not the other way around. He is now focused on his brother Aaron Murray (I am surprised that it took me this long to make the connection - I liked his brother in college) former QB at Georgia the kid was tough and good.

Apparently Josh is in love with his dog Sable. Aaron leads the toast at the table (and looks directly into the camera) Andi appears to be very jealous of the attention that Aaron is receiving. Josh’s sister tells Andi that she and Josh might fight over Andi’s desire to separate him from the family.

They play a game of backyard football, since I know he has been safely drafted I chuckle at the thought of Aaron getting injured in this game and having to explain this to teams.

Dallas Texas:
Marcus’ hometown:

He picks Andi up and this feels like it was done just to show off his Mercedes.  
THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1008" - Andi journeys to Dallas, where Marcus has a special surprise waiting for her upon her arrival. Marcus' loving and supportive family is anxious for Andi to join them. For her part, Andi is wondering if she will be able to catch up with the deep feelings Marcus has showed her, making it clear that she is the love of his life, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JULY 7 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Bill Matlock) MARCUS, ANDI DORFMAN
He takes her to a club that is so blatantly a set up and yup he reenacts his stripping from the first group date he was on...
Striptease dance: Marcus stripped down for Andi as he tried to woo her
his dancing is terrible - but Andi is intrigued.Screen Shot 2014-07-08 at 10.14.17 AM
All of these hometown dates have been terrible.

Andi meets Marcus’ family and his niece presents them with bracelets, all these kids tonight have been so much more confident than I ever was as a kid. I do wonder if social media and the openness of information makes kids less concerned about cameras and strangers in their home nowadays...or maybe I was just a wuss.

Marcus’ sister does him no favors and makes him sound like he is clingy. Marcus starts crying when talking to his brother about their dad leaving and his brother being a father figure and yup his sister is right - he is very sensitive.  

All of these dates seem very truncated and I suspect there was some editing done to get them down to a small size so that more time could be spent on the death of Eric, or maybe they were the usual length and I did not notice it because I am digesting 18lbs of chicken wings.

We go to Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles, CA:
No really we are at Chris’ home...and of course his home is laid out like a Bachelor/Bachelorette set - All the guys able to sit facing the camera. And arrives and everyone looks nervous, Chris proceeds to tell them that Eric has died. The room goes appropriately quiet. Marcus walks outside, Andi follows him and they sit on the porch with Marcus’ arm around her (grief can be sexy?). The production crew comes in and starts to hug Andi and the guys, the camera is perfectly placed to capture the reactions - I know that I am very cynical in this blog, but as someone who has worked with people in film I can vouch for them that even in moments of genuine emotion/grief on their part, they would still be professional enough like this group to keep filming.

BUT...this whole moment feels gross and unnecessary, we already knew that Eric had died, it was impressed upon us the very first night of this show, it was rehashed the night he left we did not need to see this, we did not need to know how they reacted, it felt staged and it felt forced.

Andi and Chris sit down for their fireside chat, and Andi cries alot about the responsibility she now bears, yes Andi has made Eric’s death about her.

Nick busts out a gorgeously cocky pastel jacket...that is the jacket you wear when you think you are winning the show. Final four: Nick, Marcus, Chris and Josh wait to see if they'll get a rose from Andi
I also love that he is clearly not wearing an “I came to mourn jacket”. Andi picks up the first rose, holds it like a chalice, pauses and then says “I am sorry” and walks off crying; I want to believe it is genuine.

Josh gets the first rose when Andi returns...have to fulfill that contract. Chris gets the 2nd rose and I am surprised. Nick gets the final rose and there is no surprise there. Once Chris got the rose Marcus was done for. Andi tells Marcus he did everything right...oh really?

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Bachelorette Review - Scarfing time in Brussels

This week we travel to Brussels (it would be so awesome if Jean Claude Van Damme just randomly showed up). Before starting the show I did 143 push-ups, I think that will cancel out whatever this show does to my masculinity...okay I just wanted to boast that I did that many push-ups.
Chris Hanson meets the guys in the hotel room to I guess teach them about numbers? “There are 6 of you guys here”. Slight change in plans, no roses on the one on one dates. 3 of the 6 are wearing scarves indoors, the others are wearing hoodies, is there a dressing draw they do before each episode short stick you get a hoodie, long one a scarf?

Marcus gets the one on one:
Immediately I notice something that E texted me about, Andi keeps her mouth wide open a lot...I will not type what E said it should be filled with. Marcus and Andi talk about his plans of leaving; he claims that it was because he was afraid of his feelings for her - Andi falls for it. Again this woman is a lawyer…

The evening portion is at the Academy Palace a beautiful setting but the mood turns dark quickly, Andi asks Marcus whose house they would go to if she went on the hometown date Marcus says his sister's. Marcus describes the brutal childhood his mom grew up in. Since this is a dating show, let me break it down dispassionately, if I had my pick of 6 good candidates (not sure these 6 are, but lets pretend for the hypo) there is no way I am picking the candidate that has come from a damaged home, especially since psychology typically points to persons coming from troubled backgrounds having troubles themselves...He could turn out to be completely fine...but why risk it? Andi finds his opening up sexy, they noisily kiss alot.

When Marcus returns from his date Nick sneaks out and decides to try and go up to Andi’s room. We are supposed to believe that the front desk at this hotel is so unbelievably stupid that Nick can get not only the number of Andi’s room but a key to it simply by telling the front desk that he lost his key, forgot his room number and that the room is in his wife’s name. YUP sure that plan worked, 
I am also sure that the cameras following you into the lobby did not clue the desk clerk into the fact that you are part of the production that is shooting in their hotel.
(doesn't Andi kind of look scared for a second?)

Easily impressed Andi goes for a walk with Nick. They make out, because that is the easiest thing to do rather than continue the boring convo they were having.

Josh and Andi start their one on one:
I miss the first part because my ex is threatening to call my Dad’s advice line and expose some of the stuff we talk about...I act brave, and call her bluff, inside I am quaking.
Andi is mad that Josh will not open up to her. I am not sure Josh is articulate enough. Andi is also worried that Josh is not falling in love with her (even if that would be a normal thing).

A group date card arrives and Nick immediately spouts off about his confidence, I love that the producers are painting him as a villain since I already think he has such a punchable face.

Josh finally gets the hint that Andi really wants him to say he loves her so he feels contrived. But of course he gets the kiss. Andi says that his saying it lets her know “that this is real” - even though in a normal setting it would be the least real thing ever. They really turned up the kissing mic tonight. Andi has to tell us the name of tonight’s musical guest (oh what you say this is not a talk show?) she looks into the camera and I think she had to do multiple takes before getting the name of the band right “American Young”.

An ad for ABC’s music competition show pops up, my ex and I had been talking about it and neither of us could remember the name and even with the ad I have forgotten the name because all I keep doing is yelling at Ludacris on my screen with “pay your child support homie”. If you are rich, you should never ever end up in the public eye for ‘failure to pay’ on child support (if you are poor that should not happen either) there is no excuse for that level of slackness.

Group date time - aka time for forced puns
Dylan “These ruins stood the test of time, and I am hoping that Andi and I’s relationship can also stand the test of time”...RUINS Dylan, that what you want your relationship to be in?
The guys start to pedal a cart along a track, they are all connected to the same cart yet it looks like they are trying to race each other. Andi takes the guys to a monastery, and I lose respect for the monks. There is no kissing allowed within the grounds - how are they going to survive?

Chris gets the first solo interaction and Andi takes him to a pottery barn that is outside the walls, so you know there is kissing. And a mimic of the scene in ‘Ghost’.
Brian the coach keeps freaking out at the rose sitting on the table. Nick approaches it as if he has already won it. The dates are booooooorrrinnnnggg. Nick gets the rose like we all knew he would, the other 3 guys look murderous. Andi is boring, Nick is boring it just makes sense.

The 3 guys that have to leave are stuck on the same seat of a small van, these are not tiny guys. The initial shot of them in the van shows them struggling to figure out room and how to get their seat belts on.
bachelorette-dylan(are tin Sardines originally from Brussels?)

I do not call Andi and Nick boring together to bash them, I mean that when I watch them I am fully bored, I started talking wrestling via chat with my old roomie while they were doing their date, I barely followed what was going on. The producers try to shoehorn in a trope with having fireworks going off while they kiss.

Nick returns to the hotel room to awkward silence and finally the guys go in on him. 
Nick starts to reveal more and more about his strategy, the guys are mad that he came in with a plan - while I dislike him, that is just smart. The back and forth is really just one extended hissy fit.

Cocktail party time:
The guys without roses are all scrambling to impress Andi and to spend time with her. Brian is talking to Andi and Nick interrupts him, again remember Nick has his rose already. Brian like a chump immediately acquiesces to Nick’s request. If Nick does not win, he cannot become the next Bachelor that season would be impossible to watch - then again for my sanity maybe that would be the best thing to happen.

Rose ceremony:
Josh gets rose1, Marcus gets rose2 and now the important rose - Chris gets it, I guess pulling her outside to make out with her was a good decision. Josh kisses Brian goodbye!
Is it wrong that this is the most emotion he has shown all season? And that I imagine him saying this "Screw her bro, I love you man, I know I could barely say it to her but I LOVE YOU, see you after the show" Compare his kiss to Brian with his kiss with Andi

Brian has to do his goodbye confessional outside of the castle and hears the laughing of the guys inside, he reacts like anyone would...angrily.

The previews for next week shows Andi dealing with the death of Eric...yup they used the dead guy as the teaser for next week...tacky.

Monday, June 30, 2014

The Bachelorette review or This show is killing me so slowly that I am posting a week after each show

So as I start to type this week’s up I realize that I never posted last weeks...yup show is definitely making me dumber.

Tonight the world tour goes to Venice, Italy. The guys meet Andi and she immediately pulls a shocker and tells them that the first one on one starts immediately and everyone expects it to be Cody since he has not yet been on a one on one...she picks Nick V.

Renee Oteri does the Suave hair commercial this time...they have caked on the makeup, I should quit watching this before I say anything mean. (Too late - I texted E “Renee looks years younger in that Suave commercial. Maybe that shampoo is magic”).

I wish I had gone to Venice when I was in Italy, but I was in love and would have gone to the city dump if the girl had told me to, so we did not go to Venice (still would not trade that trip in for anything).

Andi and Nick walk the streets of Venice, they kiss a lot and Andi tells us in VO how romantic the city is but yet the date looks terrible boring except for this one cool moment a bird perches on Nick's head but he still makes that seem boring. 
Bachelorette 1007jpgAndi Dorfman and Nick V
The Group date card arrives and Cody is hoping his name is not on is not, which leaves Cody dancing (all those Macklemore comparisons online get easier when he does that).
Nick tries to read a sign and reads it as if it is in a foreign language, it is English.

Evening portion of the date and they are swankily dressed. I do not get her attraction to Nick, I guess this might be my straight test? I cannot see the attractiveness of a fellow that a girl seems to find irresistible.

Nick foolishly brings up the fact that some of the guys in the house have called him arrogant and Andi does not look happy, he tries to smooth it out and Andi gives him stone face, like she is trying to hold in gas. I think these 2 would have a boring life together, a double date with them would be like trying to feed a bird with a slingshot, you can get it done but there will be a tonne of misses. He gets the rose, they boringly kiss.

The put on masquerade masks Did this remind anyone else of a Bond movie?
and Nick says “I have been masking my feelings towards Andi” the forced pun count on this season is extraordinarily high.

Andi’s secret admirer sends her another note. The handwriting looks so neat and uniform that I think the show had someone else write it for whatever guy is creepily sending them.
Group Date time
They go to a medieval castle - Andi gives them a lie detector test. 
The guys look petrified, 
I would be too. No need for her to immediately find out that I am a psychopath. My DVR freezes and glitches during Andi’s portion of the lie detector test...her questions are garbage anyway, I think my cable was trying to protect me from them...sadly I got it working again.

The questions are the standard fare until they get to stuff like “are you good in bed”, “have you slept with more than 20 women” and “do you wash your hands after the bathroom”. Dylan immediately after taking the test claims to feel so ill that he has to go to the hotel...guess the truth really does hurt. There is one shock to me, the farmer is the secret admirer (I find it impossible to believe that penmanship is his).

3 men told no lies, one man 2 lies, 2 men told 3 lies. I have always felt I would be able to pass this test but then I think most peeps think that...Andi told 2 lies; Italy is not her favorite country and she does not think all the guys are there for the right reason. She then does not open the results for the guys, instead she dramatically rips the papers up. The cynic in me thinks that she already knew the results, or is planning to get them later anyway.

The evening portion of the date has 5 guys because Dylan is still missing, I keep hoping he will pull a Tierra and sneak back on...I also hate myself for now knowing enough history of this show to call back prior names.

Brian gets the first one on one date with Andi and does a fake lie detector, he puts her finger on his pulse and her hand on his heart while he answers questions, it surprises Andi and I am sure the audience that Brian could show that much initiative. They make out, 
I think the kissing count is at 2 so far tonight. Marcus is up next, he says he thought about leaving and Andi makes out with him. THREE

Josh is up next and he tells Andi that he thought she didn’t trust them because of the lie detector test, it leaves Andi confused. 
Andi asks Josh what he likes about her and being there with her and his answer is so generic I really want to skip forward to the part where E texted me about (yup E texted me to warn me that there is Camel Toe in this episode...I cannot stop chuckling that, that is a thing and that I am looking forward to it). Josh does not get a kiss, Chris the farmer is up next and he confesses that he is the secret admirer, this of course gets him a kiss. FOUR.

One on One Date:
Cody and Andi pretend to be Romeo and Juliet and they go to the area that peeps think was the inspiration for Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet…(not the space for the discussion as to whether he really wrote all his plays). Apparently sad sacks people from all over the world write letters to Juliet or Giulietta as it is written at the Club di Guilietta for advice and the store/place replies to everyone. Andi and Cody get to reply to a few letters and Cody shows depth that I would never have believed possible.

On the evening portion of the date, Cody shows some smarts and writes a letter to Juliet that is about Andi, but then he just talks too much. He starts to tell her too much about his feelings, he starts to talk about taking her home to meet his family and Andi has the Andi face ‘the over it look’. She stops Cody from talking and starts crying, saying that she cannot hurt him by taking him to the next week’s episode. 
And while I am feeling bad for Cody something pops on my screen that makes me A. laugh out loud and B. check the time to see if E was right and she was 1:27 in we have CAMEL TOE. 
Cody has to leave in a bus because he did not get the rose and Andi rides off on her camel. I still think Twitter is mainly a cheap distraction but for moments like this it can be gold...’Andi Camel Toe’ is actually a trending topic.

Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time:
Andi is killing it with her dress. Nick V intercepts Andi and then kisses her immediately, “that is a man, that is a man right there” those are Andi’s words...she is so easily impressed. 
Chris tells Dylan to go interrupt Nick and Andi, and he does, Chris to his credit calls Nick a jackass to his face and is not fake with him at all. Dylan’s one on one with Andi gets no screen time, JJ goes in for a kiss on his time FIVE.

Chris and Andi sit down for their ‘fire side’ chat. Blah blah blah

Andi again holds her roses like a chalice while scanning the line of guys, if you ever say HBO’s “Pimps up Hoes Down” Players Ball you will notice a strong resemblance here. 
JJ the Pantsapreneur gets the boot and someone on Twitter notes that it is probably because he made the Camel Toe pants. Seriously, this girl had camel toe while wearing camel colored pants that made her look this ABC’s way of spicing the show up? Maybe this is the Players Ball. Next week they are off to Brussels.

The credits have a very funny scene; the lie detector test had a question of “have you ever fought in public?” all the guys heard it as “Have you ever fart in public?” they all said yes!!!!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Bachelorette cuts out chocolate

About to launch the Bachelorette 4 hours after it started airing aka 2 hours to ‘Mistresses’. E live texted me as it was going on, which makes me think she watched it live...I had to ignore all of her texts will read at the end of this and incorporate as they fit.

Btw E, this news is for you

Tonight the show goes to Marseille, France. The first one on one goes to Josh but the card is all in French, no one appears to be able to translate it. Chris Harrison meets Andi at a little cafe and asks her if she is falling in love and her first word is “Staahhhhppppp” how is this woman part of my profession? (I think back to her puppy photo shoot last year and I still cannot believe it).
Picture 10

Mini worried about my ex, she apparently tried to lose weight by slicing off a fingertip ;) Hope you feel better soon chica. The show cuts to another Suave commercial featuring past Bachelorettes and Andi and I cannot sit through these ads work? Andi and Josh are on a boat (sing it like T-Pain and Lonely Island) they immediately kiss. Andi calls Josh her typical type of guy and reminds us that it has not worked out well for her in the past.

Group date card arrives and all the info card has is a heart, nothing more…
Picture 18

Back to the date, they are on a cliff overlooking the Mediterranean sea.
Picture 22 Andi and Josh talk about his time as a baseball player, he brings up that he was a high round pick...I like his method of telling her the highlights and lessening the low lights.

Some of the guys are gossipping in the hotel room and JJ tells Marquel that Andrew at the first rose ceremony said “Whoa she gave roses to the 2 blackies”. If true, risky move, and I say this as the guy that gleefully has called the black guys 1.0 and .5. There is a sensitivity that one must show when talking about races and certain words carry massive stigmas, if he says “Whoa the 2 black guys” that makes sense because it is surprising in the Bachelorette world but if he said “Blackies” it comes with so much more sting and so much more demeaning power.

Marquel appears to become emotional about the comment, he brings up the fear/sentiment that so many of us have, that people viewing him will always see him first as “Hey that is a black guy” and not “hey there is that guy”

Andi and Josh go to Palais Longchamp and when Andi tells him it is a Palace he expresses shock...was he not able to figure it out as they pulled up? Is he as dumb as a bag of balls? Josh asks Andi if she was ever cheated he following the script from the last guy? I cannot remember ever asking a girl that question yet on back to back shows that is the first date question? Josh attempts to explain why he has been single for 5 years. Josh was basically admitting that he does not really care much for the girls he has dated and then turns it around with an “until I came here and till I met you” and Andi melts...maybe this is why she gets cheated on, she is too easily smitten.

Ben Fields is playing for the couple (don’t worry, I do not know who he is either and I bet E does not also) Picture 27
Josh pretends in his confessional that he knew who it was, but he sounded hesitant so I call shenaningans. I know this is not the be all end all of research but this guy even post playing the Bachelorette had only 1,094 followers when I checked his I guess I am safe in saying not many people know him.

Group date time - 9 guys.

Marquel says the group date will be a challenge since he is on it with Andrew. The guys are training with a mime, and of course it leads to a public performance. 
Bachelorette mimes 1
My friend from Jamaica is whipping me in scrabble after I have won 3 straight...I knew this show robbed me of intelligence. The crowd is not very impressed by the mimes, ah well, it is miming.Bachelorette mimes 2
Some of the guys really attempt to throw themselves into it, Nick V however sulks his way through.
Bachelorette recap
During the evening portion some tension arises with the guys questioning Nick V as to whether he thinks he is the front runner. Andi asks Chris about what is going on and Chris throws Nick under the bus, Cody the personal trainer follows suit. Nick V in his one on one time pretends that he had fun during the miming portion. Andi says “there is a mental emotional connection that is off the charts” (sigh, ‘mental emotional’) followed up by her saying “I am not an idiot”.

Bloody Nick V reads Andi a terrible poem which she seems to love...what is it about bad poetry and these Bachelorette’s 'loving' it? Picture 78
Andi in her confessional “Am I oblivious to who Nick really is?” Hey you just said “I am not an idiot”...

Marquel tells Dylan that he is thinking of confronting Andrew about the ‘Blackie’ comment Dylan eggs him on to confront him (I hope this is not Dylan trying to stir trouble up). We cut to Andi making out with one of the other guys...back to the guys and Marquel is confronting Andrew. Andrew immediately denies it, I really want to believe him, not because I like him (I have no feelings either way beyond the fact that I do think the producers are editing it to make him look like a villain) but because I want to believe that he is not crazy enough or has that much spite in his heart to say that word. Hmm maybe Dylan was being legit, in his confessional he seems to be genuinely on the side of Marquel - I might be too cynical.

JJ gets the group rose, I think it is just because he reminded Andi of their ‘old people’ date or I zoned out when he was impressing her.

One on One date with Brian.

They go to a studio and watch a private screening of the ‘The Hundred-foot Journey’  which is a movie about 2 lovers who cook and then at the end of the screening they decide to reenact the movie “completely spur of the moment” they stop to get sea urchins because it was in the movie...they clearly did not know what to expect and they clearly do not like it. They are in the kitchen and Brian is out of his element, and in 'shut-down' mode. Andi keeps lamenting that “the movie made cooking so romantic, it’s not romantic”. Andi makes more and more cheesy metaphors “everything is cooking, the kitchen is hot, but things are really not heating up with Brian right now”. “The way we are cooking seems like the Hundred-mile Journey”. Turns out that their food is terrible, so they go out for dinner, as an amateur chef I am amused by this whole thing (in fact I got to this show late because I was making homemade chicken stock, and prepping 40lbs of chicken for a big meal on Wednesday and these two are struggling with a basic french meal? c’est horrible)

Despite all of her misgivings with him, Brian gets the rose from Andi. This date was terrible and the cynic in me thinks that the movie producers made sure to tell the producers of the show that no matter what, the guy had to get a rose because; why would you want your love story movie associated with a mini-breakup?

Rose Ceremony time -

Andi requests a meeting with Chris Harrison, and tells him that there “does not need to be a cocktail party tonight.” Chris Harrison says “sounds like you want to make a big cut tonight?” Hmm how would Chris know this just based on what she has said so far? Andi says yes and states her desire to cut 3 guys...I call shenanigans on this fake meeting; it was pre-planned. Guess the producers were reviewing the budget and did not want to pay to fly around an extra guy to the next location.

So I have never seen frozen but everyone online is saying that Andi wore her hair like a character in the movie. 
Andi holds up each rose like it is a chalice and scans the line of guys each time she is presenting it, it seems weird. I have a pretty good idea before she does this who is getting cut, partly because the promos for upcoming shows have shown one of the guys arguing and he was in the bottom 4 so he had to get the rose. 1.0 gets cut, so the streak continues - black guys never go far on this show. Look I know you cannot tell anyone who they should fall in love with, but the history of this show is so suspect…

1.0 aka Marquel, gets emotional in his confessional.
The show is off to Venice next week...the bloopers have Andi and Josh on the cliff - he mentions that getting pooped on by a bird is good luck, his wish comes true and I can now read E’s texts.
She points out that one of the guys sniffed the date card, she points out the blackies and my use of decimals 1.5 etc and like I noted above, she has no idea who the musician is either. And she loathes the poet like I do.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Bachelorette 2xs in one week and I think I am going to gag.

I am ‘working’ from the library today, so watching this via the iPad app (yup that’s right, my cable is up and working and I am legit again). I requested a meeting room, and the lady who gave me the pass key looks me up and down and then hands me Room 420...I suspect she made assumptions (or it was just a coincidence). Good grief, this preview segment is going on 2 minutes 40 seconds - you are probably thinking that about this preview paragraph too, so off to the show.

They are in New England this week at the Mohegan Sun
bachelorette bathutb
Dylan gets the first one on one date - I confess I missed a portion of this, I really am working...I know you did not believe me.
Andi and Dylan will be on a steam train, the juvenile in me snickers when I think of Andi and a train. Wow she makes the terrible pun that their relationship “might pick up a little steam” 
They talk about their longest relationships: I realize that, I hate talking about my own bad breakups and hate hearing other peeps whine about theirs. Dylan plays the sympathy card and notes that his ex broke up with him the day after his brother’s funeral. He is also doing the heavy sigh, and look away routine, trying to play coy, it seems to be working.

The group date card arrives and it says “Whose got game?” if they cannot decipher that, they should just ask 1.0, he will know.

Back to Andi and Dylan ("Who are the 5 greatest rappers of all time?"), and he tells her that later she will see the real Dylan, she brings up a good point, “I want to see the real Dylan now”. Come on with it homie, there is only a finite time here. So of course he breaks down and tells her...his sister OD’d and it caused his brother problems (he was also a drug user), he ended up in a coma (100% brain dead) and if you read above you obviously know what the end result was. Well this is a bit of a downer. E texted me on Monday “When a guy on TV says I need to tell you XYZ, which isn’t something I don’t really tell anybody (except all of America going on 4 times now). Sigh. Do these people really not understand they’re on a tv show?” I am pretty sure she was watching this moment...and I agree, it felt like a sympathy ploy...and it works. Andi is giving him the rose and stressing to him that it is not a pity rose. Dylan to me looks like he would rather be elsewhere whenever Andi starts her speechifying.

He claims that Andi “cracked the emotional side of me” and I am in “one of the happier moments of my life”, all while maintaining the same blank expression - Are we sure he is not a sociopath? (Does that need an “Allegedly”?). HAPPIEST MOMENT

Group Date time:

And lo and behold it is a basketball of the guys (Brian) is a basketball coach. They are playing against a collection of WNBA allstars and they are getting smoked. The girls are practically running a layup line. At one point the score is flashed as 30-08 you can guess the 30 point team. The game is so bad that Andi pretends that she is suddenly changing the plan and that she is going to allow the guys to play against each other - because the fact that there were jerseys for opposite teams just waiting for them in the locker room is a complete coincidence.

Brian actually tries to coach his team, he is drawing up plays...good luck with that. After this he should send his resume into the OKC Thunder, that would be the first time they ever saw a playbook. Andi is standing in between the WNBA players and she looks like a Lilliputian (google it, or crack a book).
 Now that they are not actually playing good players...the game is finally competitive. Thanks to bad knees I am pretty bad at basketball, but I could take the majority of these guys. Andi is turned on...shocking a DA becoming intrigued by competition.

The game is tied at the half 6-6, like I said competitive, I did not say good. Brian in the 2nd half takes over, Andi is starting to get flushed. Brian’s team also has 1.0 on it...and he gets a decent amount of screen time hmm no stereotype here. The team also has the meat head personal trainer that looks like Macklemore, and the professional adventurer it really does not seem fair.

We get many unnecessary shots of the losing team looking pissed off and expressing their anger at losing - like normal guys.

The winning guys get their evening date portion with Andi and Eric goes first, Andi notes that their is some stalling in their relationship - I know I am coming in clouded but now everything she says just seems tinged with doom. Eric brings up that he made a whole United States trip to see family members because he did not know when he would see them again (I almost wish they had edited that out).

Brian the coach gets his one on one time and he of course takes Andi to the basketball court, she expresses a lot of interest, she says “Stahhhpppp” a few times and clearly had a thing for her basketball coach in high school...she gives him every sign to kiss her, he even acknowledges it later in his confessional, she says it in hers and you even see her moving in for the kiss while he goes in for the hug. He even hit a half court shot with the hint that a kiss was on the line and he still did not go for it.

So the very next guy (Nick) on his one on one, immediately gets a kiss from Andi and I cannot help but think that was supposed to be Brian’s kiss and he just got her fired up for another guy. Bad job coach, guess this is why you are not a player. (Yes I hurt my shoulder patting myself on the back for that one.) By the way, Andi’s dress WHOOOO I am ashamed of Brian for not making out with her just for the dress. He at least gets the rose.

One on One:
The date card said “The sky is the limit” and Marcus looks nervous. Andi professes a fear of heights and then says “it is definitely something I requested” she wants to get out of her comfort zone and face her fear of heights…way to use the usual jumping, bungee, rappelling budget to your advantage. Has there ever been a season of this series that has not included something involving heights? I know in the past I have said the Bachelor/Bachelorette producers must own their own limo company by now, but now I think, they probably just own their own adventure company...I can imagine dozens of people who would go on excursions, just because it has the Bachelorette Brand attached.
Andi freezes on the top of the building, a natural fear I think, I sometimes think that attorneys have a harder time doing Daredevil type stuff because we over think it and start to think of all the flaws and dangers.

They rappel right past the rooms of all the other guys, Marcus asks Andi if she wants to kiss infront of the other guys, she smartly says no. But no big deal, she kissed him earlier and then of course kisses him on the ground.

On the evening portion of the date they toast and I notice that they have different wines, Marcus has a white wine and I like him more...fight the convention of everyone picking red wines...white wine is where it is at!!!!

Andi admits that guys have cheated on her, I wish I was shocked. At the end of dinner they go to a concert by a country act (Jon Pardi) that I just do not know, they dance on a platform surrounded by other people in the casino while the act ‘serenades’ them? They of course kiss a lot in front of the ‘concert goers (yes I am skeptical), totally normal for a date.

(Notice the Margaritaville sign)

The rose ceremony approaches and Andi’s boobs (I already miss you Community) are pinched into a dress (in her confessional). But we cut back to her in a hotel room and she is reading a love letter (the video shows a white hand writing it…[could be creative editing] which rules out 1.0).
The guys all try to steal time, to talk to Andi. Brian takes Andi back to the court telling her he regretted not kissing her and Andi says “thank god” and pulls him in for the kiss.
Marquel works for the UFC and he claims he is going to show her moves to defend herself, I am sure none of that has anything to do with her having to touch him repeatedly. cookie monster cookies (I got that gif from I do not know if it is theirs originally but I love it, whomever came up with it.)

Eric then interrupts.
He tells Andi that she has a poker face, this pisses Andi off I would say this was a bad decision, but since we all know he made a worse one later this just seems like a blemish. Andi starts crying and yelling and the guys in the other room can hear her breaking down. Eric insinuates that she is acting for the cameras (way to blow the premise sir). Andi “I cannot fight for someone who does not believe in me” you can slowly see the dawn of realization on Eric’s face as he realizes that he said the wrong thing in his attempt to come across as ‘the real guy’.

Andi gives the group a speech that this is all real to her (she messed up and did not say the right reasons, so a tonne of viewers did not get to take a shot) and that if anyone thinks she is not there to find love they should just leave now. Ouch Eric on his outbound confessional says “love is the reason to live”...I really am surprised they didn’t edit out more parts of his stay, then again in the grand scheme his stay was brief.

Instead of the rose ceremony the last minutes of the show are filled with a conversation between Andi and Chris Harrison discussing Eric. I do wonder how Andi feels since it (and it could be editing) looks like her last words to Eric were filled with anger, at least they hugged on the break. This little featurette feels forced and unnecessary. We find out that production found out about the death of Eric during the hometown dates. We are also told that Tasos was the other guy sent home. I wish they would do this show like wrestling, never send the fans home unhappy, cut to a fun scene or something, but alas...At least it was followed by an episode of Mistresses (which *cough* *cough* I obviously do not watch).

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.