Can a Jamaican take Cali?

Infrequently updated consistently funny

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Bachelor picks the women he uhm, he uh, he ugh, he is pretty sure he wants to marry and we learn the Bachelorette is the ugly step child of the franchise.

Black Matt is back for the finale! Tara hates that I call BM, BM but he loves it (I think) and most other peeps definitely love it...There is no racism behind it, it was formulated as a descriptive name at the time when the person I was talking to knew 3 Matts that I knew 2 were white, 2 were tall, all 3 are attorneys only one was Black!

As we always do we are drinking a tonne to get through this show, I an drinking Jamaican Rum Cream and BM an IPA, his might sound like the harder drink, but only one of us scowls every few sips so I think I am winning. By the way, my drink has a tonne more alcohol than BM's...just saying.

We do the terrible move of going to LA for a live studio audience, I ask BM if he would ever be a part of the live audience, ever the pragmatist he says "of course, look at how many women are there...the ratio is definitely in your favor."

Often this is the most boring episode of the season, because at this point all parties involved are too afraid to say anything racy, fun or controversial that might haunt them at the end.

We see Chris walking through a snow covered field with a tonne of flat land with nothing to see but snow...NO WAY DOES THE SAN DIEGO GIRL MOVE THERE FOR EVER. BM insists that we should have asked Becca when we saw her if she won - I mock him because no way does she give up the goods to 2 black guys randomly asking her about the Bachelor.


BM see's Chris' mom and I force him to expound on his initial "wow is that his mom?" he refuses at first but I push and push then volunteer my thought first "You think she looks like a cartoon witch don't you?" He sheepishly agrees. "so becca how do u feel about my son"
I texted our thoughts to E and she makes us cackle (see what I did there?) with "She'll curse the loser". BM "he should have picked the Kardashian girl she was cute" weirdly Tara had just said the same damn thing earlier today...maybe that is why she called him "Impeccably dressed Matt?"

Whitney meets the family first, and she gives a toast"i just want parents again"
 that
weeping.
 causes the family
more weeping.
 to tear up.
the most weeping.

 Whitney when meeting with the sister's continues her move of being way too eager to show that she is willing to give up her whole career and life for Chris.
bachelor-soules-sisters-finale
 Chris' sisters basically ask the question we have all been asking for 2 weeks if Whitney seems to be all the things Chris wants why is Becca still there? Chris struggles to articulate why he likes Becca...the sisters call him out on it in their confessional.

Whitney sits down with Chris' mom and starts pouring out her heart and BM coldly says "sometimes I think they only want to win". Whitney tells the mom that she desires to call someone else mom since her own mom died years ago...bold move.

Chris meets with his 'boys' to discuss the situation, they meet in a garage, I think it is to look tough!
bachelor-tool-shed
 Chris' boys also call him out on the Becca issue.

Becca meets the fam:
They ask her about visiting Arlington, Iowa, she plays it off well and makes a joke about spending the weekends at the Post Office...I think there is a grain of pain truth hidden behind the smiles. Becca tells the sisters that she is not in love with Chris yet, but could see it moving there, and that she is not yet ready to move until she is sure - AGAIN CHRIS WHY HER OVER KAITLYN? Stutter out an answer one more time for us. Chris' sister lets something slip - he has been hurt by a Cali girl who refused to move to Iowa before: hmm! Basically the sisters are one step away from saying "She is the worst choice you could ever make" but they are on TV. Chris says that while Becca has not told him she loves him he thinks she will, then says "that is what I am hoping for." Why on earth did he make someone part of his final 2 that he hopes love him?

Becca sits down with Ursula Chris' mom: The mom calls her something special. Then maybe casts a spell?
bachelor-becca-mom
 Becca repeats that she is not in love with Chris. Chris' mom speaks of his past and BM says "Why does everyone keep talking about what he has been through, did he get his heartbroken or something?" I point out "everyone has had their heart broken, they make it sound like he went through a war." Chris' mom keeps insisting that what Becca is feeling for Chris is love. I think it might be virginal indecision (if she is still a virgin).

Chris walks her out and they kiss and Becca breaks away from him to get in the SUV to "Get in the warmth" yup this is the Sunny San Diego girl that is going to move to Iowa???? Come on son! The Bachelor's strike rate for marriages is already pitifully low, if he were to pick Becca, that would hurt it's already bad stats! 5 of 29 couples have gotten married...

Back to the studio audience and Chris Prime narrating to us his thoughts, I fast forward through it, if I missed something dear reader I apologize, but I would risk good money saying I bet I did not! BM viewing the audience "I don't think you can go if you are a guy" I point out a few men in the audience and suggest "Maybe it is like a Vegas club 3 girls 1 guy to get in?"

Chris goes to meet Becca in her hotel suite she looks tense every time they kiss. Becca asks Chris how he is feeling and Chris the great orator of our time long pauses and then says "I want everything in your heart that you can give me" - this is what happens to us when '50 Shades of Grey' counts as great literature! Becca tells Chris "I cannot give you a timeline of when I want to move [BM interjects "she doesn't want to move"] towards love."

Becca says she doesn't know when she wants it but she wants to have kids, she wants to get married. Chris keeps asking her why she doesn't love him - this is very, very awkward. Chris tells her not to hold back, he wants to know what would stop her from falling in love - she says the uncertainty of what she would do when/if she moved to Arlington. His friend earlier said to him that he might be chasing Becca because he cannot get her, he is probably right. This girl keeps throwing up speed bumps and stop signs and Chris keeps powering through them like he is on a tractor (I could not resist). I feel like we just watched a creepy moment. There was nothing romantic in this whole segment. Chris says in his confessional "tonight the answers I got were not necessarily what I hoped for. But Becca wants me in her future." I think he listened to a different conversation than I did.

Look plenty of girls (okay a few girls, okay a handful, okay a couple) could accuse me of hearing what I wanted to hear when it was time for us to break up, but I really hope I was not as obtuse as Chris was. The studio audience claps, BM "Why the hell are they clapping. It's not a play" We watch and comment on this thing like a sport - because it is!

Final date with Whitney, I bet BM she will jump into Chris' arms, she does not disappoint.

Chris takes her to harvest corn on his farm! Read that last part again, on their final date they harvest corn. They sit in a Combine together and harvest Corn!
"so tell me about all the, um, buttons"
 Would they have to do this for their anniversary? Chris shows her around his acres and acres of property (800 Acres) that's cool to own, but will a girl from a big city be satisfied with it? BM earlier pointed out that if Chris did not pick Whitney he is an idiot...this could be a test of the educational system in Iowa. I zoned out through much of the conversation on this date. Chris goes to Whitney's room and spots a picture of them together that she has framed and she says "I carry it in my suitcase everywhere we go." I am sure most peeps find that cute, I find that weird.

Whitney tells Chris that she is confident because that is why she is there but at the same time "I am so fricking scared" she knows he cannot tell her his final decision, but she is definitely fishing...I applaud your attempt Whit.

Final day:
We get Chris shirtless staring out of the hotel window, the view is of an industrial city, we see Chris in a sweater, back to staring out of the hotel window, Neil Lane cannot appear at the hotel room door fast enough. Neil points out Iowa is very cold...shocking! You know he is pissed that this is where he had to fly to present rings to a Bachelor.


This season must have saved the show so much money, no way is it an expensive shoot in Iowa (I say this not knowing the cost of the constant heaters you would have to have running around me to keep me warm in a snow covered landscape). By comparison most seasons end with trips to exotic locations, not Dubuque, Iowa.

Becca shows up first to the barn, this is a bad sign right? The first girl gets booted! Chris says "I hope I am making the right call, but seeing her I am not sure what I am going to do." He kisses her (of course he does). Chris tells Becca the she is not really ready to be his wife and so he is letting her go...he says it only slightly gentler than I just wrote it, but with all his stuttering pauses he might as well have just said "look girl it's over." Sooo many heavy sighs from Chris, at one point he sighs 4 times in between words (you can see his breath, it must be freezing in that barn). Becca does not seem sad to be going home, girls in week 2 showed more emotion than she is showing on the final day.
"is there somewhere we can stop for a burger"

Whitney arrives to the barn of judgment (Seriously a barn, how much did this cost them? Oh wait, it's already owned by Chris' family!) the show is really pushing this country theme a little too much.
image

 Whitney kisses him and I want to yell, "Gurl he just kissed the other chick." BM and I agree that they had to have hidden the limo with Becca, because there is no way 2 limos passed on that isolated road and they did not notice each other.
bachelor-limo
 Chris gets his tear face on and drops to a kneeYES!!!!!!!!!!!!
 and we get the glimpse of the huge rock that Whitney will now permanently affix to her finger. 4-chris-bachelor-winner-engagement-ring-whitney-becca-engagement-ring-picture
Chris has to give her the final rose...just once I would like the girl to take the ring but be funny enough to say no to the final rose.

BM announces that Whit's voice would grate on him after awhile - welcome to the club fella.


After the final Rose:
Chris comes out to thunderous applause, he is as inarticulate as ever. Becca comes out, and she is as calm as she was when she walked off the show. Elizabeth texts me "I think Becca is a robot" she might be right. RIP Leonard Nimoy, if there is ever a female Spock the actress can take her 'Do not show emotion' cues from Becca.

Whitney comes out, tonnes of kissing and heavy sighs and Whitney is breathing and bobbing like she just ran a mile against Roger Bannister (look it up kids). Whitney says moving to Iowa is in the future plans, but there is no hurry there. We see a scene of Chris' parents celebrating with the new couple and Chris' mom immediately talking about grand babies...the struggle is real.
image

Ashley S is in the audience, Chris Prime asks her again if she is going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, her response "I mean, I suppose, I might be there" - everything about her screams actress to me.


Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance, he mocks Ashley S. claiming that she thinks that she is on the Price is Right currently. He asks the couple if they have been making love constantly, they affirm that they have...not awkward at all. Kimmel claims that he has a surprise for the couple, runs off stage and returns with a cow that he has named Juan Pablo.
"help me"
Time for the Bachelorette announcement: Chris Prime claims that Bachelor nation was split, he polls the audience, Britt or Kaitlyn, the response for Britt is not enthusiastic.

 "We actually decided not to decide...so for the first time in history, we are going to have two Bachelorettes." Apparently the 25 guys on the first night will get to choose which of the 2 they think will make the best wife. This feels weird to me, it feels a bit icky to do this to the women - Both arrive on stage in sparkly silver dresses.
Embedded image permalink
Kaitlyn does not look pleased to be sharing the stage with Britt and then proves it by saying her first reaction to hearing that Britt will be there "well that's not ideal" preach.
Oh Kaitlyn, I feel ya.

Elizabeth texts me and insists that I go back to see Chris say that he wanted to marry a woman like his sister. I am now very mad at E for making me have to watch Chris emote again.

And again the next Bachelorette is Kaitlyn...


and...Britt! The final announcement was displeasing. The optics are bad ABC, even on the female 'controlled' season...the men still choose!!!!!


Okay Elizabeth, this last addition is for you...since E pointed out that it is creepy that Chris wanted someone just like his sisters for his wife:

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Bachelor recap or The women tell all becomes Britt's audition reel

Black Matt (BM) is here for the most potentially ratchet night of the season...BM pretends he didn't know it would be. Shout out to Elizabeth...I still hate you for getting me into this show, but nights like this I am closest to liking you.

Chris Prime expecting a laugh says "this is the most shocking season of the Bachelor" he gets crickets. We do that new Bachelor tradition of sneaking into a home of viewers to 'surprise' them with the Bachelor [Chris proving that he is a country boy asks "what if they have guns?" I think he is only half kidding]. I do not believe the first house they go to is merely a weekly viewing party, too much has been put into this! We are talking themed food, costumes and props! The kiss count jumps to ONE because a mom sneaks up on Chris and plants a kiss on his lips!
"jk let's just make out"
Too many of these doors are UNLOCKED in LA, I lived in that city no one leaves doors unlocked, they might not know for sure the Bachelor is coming, but they know someone might be coming...the groups he visited this season were a lot more fun than the last season's these peeps were all LIT: One group even got him to take shots


The girls are all reintroduced to us and we get the requisite..."Who is she?" looks!
Hello Trina it is very nice to meet you
The show's quick recap has insets of the girls watching the show, Britt and Kelsey are not happy! As I said earlier in the season, Carly's schadenfreude of Britt is met with disdain from the audience - I think Carly lost much of the heartland with piling it on. Britt immediately attacks Carly as the recap ends. If Ashley I is still a virgin...her dress cannot be.
All of America's feelings captured in a single facial expression.
That thing has less fabric than my underwear.

Chris Prime brings Britt up to talk and I guess moderate? He is terrible at that. Black Matt asks "Isn't there a black girl on this?" we then cut as if a producer heard him to the 'Black girl' he voices what I have hinted at "Wow they found the lightest black girl they could find!" I post that because I cosign it; do I believe they really did that? I don't not believe it ;)
The Bachelor: Women Tell All Recap: Kelsey Talks About Her 'Amazing' Story
Look carefully at that picture, the 'black girl' is there, but I could see why you would miss her

Britt gives us her "I am a good person resume" inner city tutoring, blah blah BM "she is crying so much" I wonder "How does her makeup stay on?" - So macho we are. Britt plays the victim really well, she might be a better actress than I thought she was. She also has a bull dog in Jillian who attacks Carly and seems willing to fight for Britt. Britt to Carly "Can I just say something where you don't interrupt me because you have pretty much narrated my whole life for the last 3 weeks?" I think she planned that line.
BM "She is crying again, we should make it a drinking game" ME "None of us would survive that" BM "Even you would get drunk"
the-bachelor-women-tell-all-8


We are shown a peep into the interaction between Britt and CP during the commercial break and Britt is crying again and so BM has to drink some more...He may have to spend the night on my couch!


I yell at BM for whispering one of my lines when CP says that Kelsey went from a widow to a "black widow" BM "Racist" no fair, I love yelling that in sotto voce randomly when anyone says "black" (about anything).

Kelsey immediately brings up the dead husband - Chris Prime is paid the big bucks to not roll his eyes...he offers his handkerchief to Kelsey as she cries and she blows her nose in it - she is allowed to keep it. Even in her apology to the girls Kelsey is demeaning - The first girl who gets a chance to talk Juelia (widowed too) calls her the fakest person she has ever met. Megan points out that if Kelsey is grieving she should never have been on the show.
Chris Harrison and Kelsey on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
Kelsey addresses the girls as if she is a Schoolmarm and they are unruly children,
the-bachelor-women-tell-all-10
Britt and Jillian have apparently appointed themselves guardians of her story and try to defend her...most of the other girls are not fans.

Black Matt and I exhibit jealousy at Chris Prime's job! WE want it! We get footage of Ashley S with an Axe! "WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?", is the question both BM and I think of at the same time. Ashley presents Chris with an onion as a gift.
the-bachelor-women-tell-all-13
BM immediately says "she looks older than 24", "They all do" I reply...and I know a tonne of you readers think the same.

Ashley S seems no saner than when she was on the show, I gave her the benefit of the doubt re the stress of the show, I am now wondering if she is not crazy but just a delusional actress. Chris extends the Bachelor in Paradise invite to Ashley S. the crowd chants "Do it"...of course she will.

Jade touches the hot seat - in another macho moment, when we get a recap of Jade's season and her Cinderella date I couldn't help myself and said out loud "But that was such an ugly dress tho" and BM instead of judging says "For sure". We are absolutely going to raise a barn after this show!
the-bachelor-women-tell-all-1
The Bachelor should absolutely release a line of make up after this show called "Cry just a little" (they may already have a makeup line, too lazy to ever look that up) the makeup these ladies use can withstand so many tears. Jade says Chris letting her go because of the pictures crushed her.

Kaitlyn is up next and I threaten BM that she is mine. Kaitlyn is crying, do not worry girl I GOT YOU!

the-bachelor-women-tell-all-3
Chris comes out and Britt asks to come up there and she immediately gives him the too long to be comfortable hug.
"let's hug while i take a break from weeping"
 Anyone who he has picked as his wife is probably sitting there right now planning a way to kill her. She does a bit of inappropriate touching


Kaitlyn calls Chris out for making her stand through the rose ceremony if he already wanted to boot her. Kaitlyn is tough but fair to him.
"i can't believe u sent me home after i literally sweated out 7 pounds of bodily fluids for you"
Jade also requests to come up to talk to Chris; When did this become Oprah? the-bachelor-women-tell-all-4


This was a bad tell all, let's hope the bloopers are at least funny...they are funny especially when they make fun of Chris' dolphin laugh.

We are unfortunately not told if Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette!
(The divorced) Chris Prime pimps his (romance) book...it is fictional, just like the show he hosts. HEY OH!!!!!

Ratchet Scale: a 2 nothing but tears and Jillian flexing her muscles
MVP: The Make up artists! It is the all star game of the Bachelor season no one keeps a real score on this episode.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Bachelor recap or, let this monkey micturate on you, it is fun for all ages.

Thanks to Tammy and Mogl I have so much junk food in my home that I have not had a proper home-cooked meal in 4 days, that is VERY unusual for me. But, as regular readers know, Monday is my junk food night, so the bad trend has to continue...on to the show.

The kiss count is unnecessary tonight, I can tell you in advance that it will hit Three - or 100% I am not so crude as to put a 'hit it' count, but know that I considered it...


We are going off to Bali for fantasy suites, cultural misappropriation and virgin confessions (that is not a spoiler that is something everyone has said in every promo for this show...thanks a lot Producers).

We start with the usual goofy B roll of the Bachelor doing a voice over as he walks around sampling the culture and buying food that he probably will not eat. We of course get multiple shots of Chris staring off into space while pretending to think about the girls and also a name drop of the hotel. Bali looks a lot like Jamaica, just change out the people.

Kaitlyn is first:
They go to a temple in which they cannot kiss...is this just a bloody repeat of last year? Ladies come in bringing flower baskets, let the cultural appropriation begin, Kaitlyn and Chris mimic what the ladies do (not bad, but still makes me wary).
ummmm yeah ok gurl whatever u say
 They then walk through the town and interact with a tonne of monkeys (okay that part is NOT like Jamaica)
"hey kaitlyn let me show u this concrete over here"
they feed monkeys, one pees on Chris - America applauds. Kaitlyn exhibits a rational fear of monkeys, I feel you gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl it is not normal to be cool with having an animal that intelligent run up on you and take food from you...they are like super aggressive kids.


(I blame the fact that Elizabeth is kicking my tail in Scrabble on this show, every play I make while this thing is on seems foolish.)

The evening portion of the date: this part is unfortunately usually boring because we are basically watching 2 people politely negotiate their way towards sex...at this point in the show, everyone knows what this date leads to. Chris heavily sighs a lot before kissing her, I think he is just trying to keep his boner down. The fantasy suite letter is opened and Kaitlyn says "I can't imagine saying no to that" yeah, she knows what's up. Kaitlyn says she feels pressure to tell Chris that she loves him...when she first said she felt pressure, I was briefly nervous about where she was going with it. She finally tells him that she is in love and Chris tells her that he is falling in love with her too, that's cool and all but Kaitlyn: IOWA? Come on girl, San Diego or Arlington, Iowa? We see them sit on the bed and begin to make out before we tactfully (or is that too late?) leave.

Whitney's Date:
Chris' voice over lets us realize that Whitney's move of taking Chris to see her job might have backfired because he is now concerned that she might not be able to leave her home life to move to Iowa.
They are on a boat
Screen Shot 2015-02-24 at 9.11.07 AM
with a captain that apparently only communicates via thumbs up. "Captain we are ready to go" Thumbs up. Hey he just hit the pier, Thumbs up...yup.
thumbs-up-bachelor

Whitney tells us that her sister while loved by her, can irritate her, funnily that is just what I was thinking about her voice. She mentions that her sister is an attorney - as if that is a bad thing!!!! Lawyers of the world UNITE! Whitney throws her sister under the bus (just for not giving her blessing to the man that was dating 3 other women at the time) just to try to prove her love for Chris? We get the let's jump off the boat moment with the requisite voice over that speaks of leaps of faith and going out on a limb (as they walk to the edge). Another thumbs up...are we sure these people should pilot boats?

Evening portion:
Chris points out to Whitney that the town is 500 people and the closest big cities are 3 hours away, I respect him pointing this out to her and before the envelope is placed out there. Whitney says she would leave her career for Chris and that she would be "ready to have babies and that would be my career." Chris smiles at that while I involuntarily recoil. Chris liked what he heard so much that the fantasy suite envelope makes an appearance, Whitney says "I thought a lot about this, and I think it would be great." She is soooo eager for this, that I believe she really has thought a lot about it, but not in the fashion of "Should I, shouldn't I?" but more like "Oh man, I am going to do, this, this and this, he is not even going to know what hit him."

Becca (the virgin):
Another walk around and explore date (was the budget really low this season?). "no no it's fine i'll just stand here with this bag on my head till ur done"
And another trip to a temple. They meet a fortune teller, who shockingly tells them everything they want to hear. When Becca asks for advice for their big date tonight, they are told to "make love", We are constantly reminded that Becca is a virgin.
Evening portion:
Did you guys know that Becca is a virgin? This show might be setting the record for virginity references. If I had thought about it earlier I would have used a clicker, though my thumb might have fallen off, and then I could never captain a boat in Bali. Becca appears to be asking Chris for guidance on if she is falling in love with him "what do you think?" I think she is afraid of intimacy. The fantasy suite card is read...and we are reminded that Becca is a virgin, long stares...commercial break.

The date card might as well just be a sound card of this song by Plies

Becca tells Chris that she would love to spend the one on one time with him, I think he winks at her...
chris-becca-dinner
she has not yet told him she is a virgin, even though she has told us a million times.

Uh oh, what is this? Cameras in the fantasy suite, guess this means the cat will have to be let out of the bag (could not resist). She finally tells Chris and his eyebrows go up dramatically, he takes many deep sighs and he struggles for words. He says he respects that (smooth) and that it surprises him (less smooth). My thoughts on this; it is a lot easier to wait for someone if you think the marriage is just around the corner, and it is also a lot easier to respond politely to that announcement when you have just had sex with 2 different women the 2 nights before.

Becca says that she has constantly (WE KNOW) said that she is waiting for marriage, but Chris's response was so perfect and she has waited for so long that she will see how the night unfolds...I wonder if anyone else gets the feeling that the virginity claim might not be pure (Yeah I know you see what I did there).

The morning after has Chris expressing anxiety and concern that Becca might not be in love with him or willing to move to Iowa, cynical CaliJ says - the experience was a dud.

We get to confirm that Chris Prime got the free trip to Bali as he comes to talk to Chris. Chris tells CP that he is not sure about whom the second rose should go to, yet tells us that both Whitney and Kaitlyn are in love with him and willing to move to his hometown for him...Becca does not seem to be there yet, but he is willing to give her time. CP would be the world's worst guidance counselor, his help is to just slowly say the girls names and to repeat to Chris what they have said to him then says "you seem to be moving in the right direction," despite Chris having said nothing.

The Rose Ceremony:
Has everyone dressed in Bali garb, they are holding the ceremony in what CP describes as one of the most sacred places in Bali...OMG no like i am really, really sorry
THEN WHY HERE? Affection is strictly limited, holding hands is okay, but basically nothing more, seriously, why here?
On behalf of the Western World, I am sorry
Cultural misappropriation of the finest kind.

Seriously, this temple fascination with the bachelor needs to stop. And I have to wonder if the people in charge of these temples know what is being filmed there when they agree to the releases. My dad is a minister and NO WAY would he let anyone film a reality show in the church (at least not one of this nature, I cannot think one of any type..,maybe one helping homeless people?).

Chris does his heavy sigh routine, then asks Becca to speak to him privately.
The-Bachelor_fantasy-suite-recap-0223_Becca
Whitney seems confident that no matter what happens with Becca, she is staying. Becca immediately goes on the offensive when she and Chris sit down and tells him that she is "crazy about" him. She stresses to him that she is falling in love with him and that she is not just saying it for the show. Chris struggles to tell her that...well we do not know what because he takes for ever to express words, so we cut back to Katilyn and Whitney speculating about what is happening. Both girls are starting to feel more confident "now I'm just trying to decide if i should bring cookies to cake to meet chris's family lolololol yay!!!!"
but that confidence is rocked when Becca walks back in holding Chris' hand. "lol hi u guys!!!!"

Chris has not been very good about protecting the girl's feelings this season...see how many times he ran off with the girl that does not shower. In fact I would say that either he is very callous in his regard to other people's feelings or he is extremely socially awkward, but take him away from this show and most people would call someone that behaves in such a manner, an Asshole.

The first rose goes to Whitney...Kaitlyn looks like she is going to have a heart attack, and the second rose goes to Becca - Kaitlyn looks all around the place and I think she is looking for objects to bludgeon them all with. Whitney looks like she is smirking, I cannot read her face properly. Here is hoping Kaitlyn is the next Bachelorette! Chris hugs her and Kaitlyn has the "over it" face on. bachelor-kaitlyn-crying
Chris does his good bye whisper, which again makes no sense since they are outside of the temple, not in a library, not around other people, I think it is probably the voice he uses to calm horses and he just uses it for people. A rooster crows while he does the good bye speech, yup a cock vocalizes! (many have claimed he crowed thrice...It is the Easter season). Kaitlyn does not say a word until they finally get to the car and she points out that she does not want to get in the car and do what she knows is her exit interview.

Kaitlyn says she is really confused, methinks some of that is because her heart might be broken but her brain is rejoicing at not having to live in Arlington, Iowa.
"i thought i was gonna open a crop top store in Arlington"
Next week is the women tell all - it is usually my favorite episode of the season.

Ratchet scale: 10, because he dumped a girl he claims he loves and that he 'knows' loves him for a girl he is not sure even likes him or will agree to live in his hometown.
MVP - the monkey that peed on Chris.

Blooper reel - Chris interacting with monkeys

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Bachelor recap or do not show him your nude video before he makes a big decision

Made a batch of ice cream cookie sandwiches, scarfed down my new grilled chicken experiment (beer bbq sauce) and finally plopped down on the couch filled with food and no regrets, so I guess it is time to take away some of this high by watching trash TV...I love it.

We start with Chris walking through Des Moines, it is picturesque but I cannot help thinking...they should have taken them there in Winter, so many of these girls are now West Coast girls, they are not ready for Iowa winters.

Off to Becca's one on one and Chris tells her that the reason they are not in Belgium or Italy is because this is real life...you are on a fantasy reality dating show Chris, nothing about this is real life! So they chill in his rented loft?
Becca and Chris have a low-key date
Becca tells Chris that she has never been in love before - this is despite dating someone for 4 years. I am trying to remember if I ever told my ex who I dated on and off for almost 5 years whether I loved her or not...I am sure she will correct me.

Becca lives in my city I am applying my sensibilities here but WHO THE HELL LEAVES SAN DIEGO FOR ARLINGTON IOWA??????

Britt tells the other girls that she has packed all of her stuff because she does not think she is going to stay through the rose ceremony. Carly calls her out, then Jade calls her out (gently). The girls are not giving Britt the sympathy that she expected to get when she sat down with them. I just want to know one thing: DOES SHE SHOWER OR NOT?

The girls are all nervous about the cocktail party but their main topic of conversation is their belief that Britt is fake...Chris Prime walks in to tell the girls that there will be no cocktail party (this is what he has been paid to do all season) he is my hero, as much as I mock him constantly, the man gets paid to steer people in and out of light conversation! The lack of a rose ceremony causes this face from Britt
Britt's oh s--t moment

Rose ceremony:
And Chris takes deep breaths, and proves to us again that he is barely articulate (Why was he America's favorite again?). While Chris tries to give his opening speech, Britt interrupts him to pull him aside. She starts her time with him with an apology for her actions the night before, while the other girls are in the main room pissed off at her. Britt asks Chris if there is anything he wanted to say to her about her actions - Chris struggles to explain his feelings/thoughts, he stutters a lot but finally says that the way Carly acted is the way he wanted his wife to act and the way Britt acted was disrespectful to him, his family and his town...so he walks her out, BUT, she still gets a kiss so our kiss count starts even with a rejection - ONE!

Britt, breaks down crying outside of the mansion,

 loud enough that the girls on the inside can hear her - Carly comes across a little too mean (not for me, but I can see Middle-America hating her vindictiveness) and revels in Britt's pain.



Chris tells the girls that he sent Britt home because he did not think he could trust her. It's probably just me but I think the camera lingers on Jade during the line up. Whitney gets the first rose, then Becca so it is now down to Carly and Jade and oh here we go Chris Prime pointing out the obvious...'"it's the final rose." The problem with this is that we already saw so much promotional material with Jade telling Chris about her posing for playboy so it was obvious that she was getting the final rose.

I think Carly and her brother were eliminated after the same number of episodes! Guess no one gets the one up in sibling rivalry

HOMETOWN DATES:
First up is Becca, in Shreveport, Louisiana:
I was hoping that since she lives in SD it would also be her home-town, but alas I do not get to see her walking down the Gaslamp. Becca brings up the virginity issue again in her confessional, apparently everyone in her family knows about it...

Good grief, Becca's family is huge and allegedly Chris is the first boy she has ever taken home. Becca's sister tells Chris that Becca is not an intimate person, STRONG hint!

Chris seems to be getting it, but in that way that a puppy gets info, it knows something is wrong, but is not sure exactly what is wrong. Becca's mom like her sister points out to Chris that Becca does not normally hold hands with guys. Becca's sister asks Becca if she has told Chris about the Big V by bringing up the fantasy suite...an aside, can it be called a Fantasy Suite if there is no fantasy to be fulfilled?
 hqiq4.gif
The mom asks Chris to be sweet and tender to her daughter, I love southern moms. Becca walks Chris out to say goodbye and they make out at the SUV, Kiss count TWO Chris then whispers to Becca "You are coming with me" she laughs at his kidnapping threat, but he is serious and takes her to ride the State fair's Ferris wheel by themselves. Becca does that foolish move of thinking Chris is the one that set this all up.

Off to Chicago Illinois, for Whitney's hometown:
I think Whitney is very sweet, but listening to that voice for the rest of my life could potentially lead to a murder-suicide. Whitney's intro to Chris is "let's go make a baby" (she is a fertility nurse).


 She takes him to her work place and Chris gets to watch in vitro fertilization. Whitney pretends that Chris has to give her a sample, he seems concerned and makes the claim that everything is perfect downstairs - which really is not something you can just know.

Whitney was raised by a single mom, who as mentioned in the prior blog died suddenly a few years ago so her sister is now the dominant family force in Whitney's world. Whitney is blonde, her sister has raven hair, I always wonder who dyed what, based on eyebrows and roots I suspect Whitney. Whitney is telling her sister Kimberly that she will need her consent before she will agree to marry Chris. Kimberly says Whitney is putting too much pressure on her, the sis tells Whitney that she will only give her blessing to someone who wants her sister exclusively and not someone who has "four other girls." - To me a perfectly reasonable response. She tells Chris to call her for the blessing when (if) Whitney is the only one. Despite Whitney earlier telling her sis that she would only marry Chris if she got her blessing, she now says it is her decision to make not her sisters...uh huh.

Whitney then breaks out a bottle of wine that she tells Chris was super pricey and she bought it to share with the man she was going to marry - Kiss Count - THREE

Kaitlyn
Off to Phoenix Arizona, because even though Kaitlyn is from Alberta, her family winters in Phoenix. Because Chris took her to Costco for a date, she meets him in an alley. She takes him to a recording studio, claiming that earlier in the season when Chris performed for them (he was terrible) she found it hot so they are going to write and perform a rap song.


Kaitlyn I love you gurrrrllll but this is pushing it. Chris is worse than I expected, I mean he is utterly appalling he needs to take lessons from T Swizzle.

Kaitlyn must be in love because she claims that what Chris did is awesome.

We have one of those awkward family moments where the Mom and Stepdad and Dad and Stepmom are all there together. Kaitlyn's mom tells us that Kaitlyn's heart has been broken before...I got you girl, come to me! Kaitlyn's mom seems pretty chill and fun, I bet she would be a blast to drink with. We do not get much time with the family probably because we have to get to a billboard that Kaitlyn had put up with Kaitlyn (Hearts) Chris on it.
Kaitlyn Bristowe Makes a Sign For Chris in Hometown Dates
 Kiss count FOUR

Off to Jade in Gering, Nebraska:
So much foreshadowing in Chris' voice over, "though she lives in LA, she is a small town girl at heart...I want to see what shaped her into the way that she is now." Jade says that Chris is the nicest guy she has ever brought home to her family. She says that she is worried that her family might tell Chris about her nude photos before she can...there is a very simple fix to this Jade - TELL YOUR FAMILY TO NOT TELL HIM! Jade's dad takes Chris aside and hints that Jade might be a wild child. Her brother beats a little bit less around the bush and calls her "a wild mustang, a free spirit." The brother strongly hints that Jade will not want to move to Iowa. Jade's dad asks her if she has told Chris about the wildside/photos, this whole family seems overly concerned with Jade's 'wildness', hmm. This is a tonne of promotion for Playboy. As Jade walks Chris out to the SUV she tells him she wants a little more alone time with him, he agrees to it and it leads to kissing - Kiss count FIVE! (another perfect kissing streak on dates...but that always happens this late in the season).

They go to Chris hotel room to talk...Chris tells her that her brothers called her a wild mustang, Chris says you are a "hot mustang, but I don't really see the wild side." Jade says "there are somethings about me that would surprise you and something that has caused other relationships to end in the past." Jade brings up the photos as a time in her life when she first moved to LA and decided to do anything in her life that she would previously say no to...I bet there are a tonne of guys watching that instantly wish they had met her back in those days. Jade then tells Chris that if he wants she can show him the photos, (an aside, every girl I have ever met who has posed nude [and is proud of it] always, always shows them...this is not to say I have met a tonne of girls that have posed nude online, but I have met my fair share).
Here is a safe picture from the photo shoot, at the bottom of the blog you can link to the NSFW versions, or just imagine this same pose with ZERO clothes
jade-elizabeth-playboy-bachelor-10

THE BACHELOR
 Chris is expressing shock, but tries to cover it up, he is very gentlemanly with Jade and I respect that (even if it were/is all for the cameras, I would still respect it),

since if he does not want to keep her, he can still kindly cut her at the rose ceremony, there is no need to heap on her any disdain (if there is any) just after she opens up to him. Chris at one point said "she took her bottoms off" oh Chris, what did you expect?


Back to Iowa for the Rose ceremony:
Chris calls it the toughest night of his entire life. Whitney gets the first rose (baby making jokes abound), Kaitlyn gets the next rose (I feel sad), it was always obvi that after the 'revelation' that Jade would have to be in the final 2 waiting for a rose...and Chris picks Becca (Fantasy suite virgin dilemma). Chris walks Jade out and does his whispering move that he does when he is delivering bad news to the girls. He tries to assure Jade that the photos had nothing to do with his decision, and that things were just moving faster with the other girls. Chris is crying as he puts Jade in her limo,
Chris gets weepy
 Jade through tears tells us that she did not see this coming because she was falling in love with Chris. Really Jade, you didn't expect this...even a little bit? You really didn't picture this happening?
Jade in the Reject Limo
Ratchet scale bit higher than last night, you cannot have Playboy pictures and a blooper reel of a dog going to town dry humping its toy and not have at least a 5!
MVP: can the MVP be someone who gets booted? Because it is Jade!

If you want to watch the video that Chris watched of Jade click here

Blog Archive

About Me

My Photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.