Can a Jamaican take Cali?

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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bachelorette review where "you got Knocked the F out"

I came home today from Vegas and I am hurting...
On top of that my cable was down for some reason (yes my bill is paid) thankfully rebooting the box took care of that, but not before I started planning which friend's home I might have to head to so that I could see this terribly stupidly horribly addicting show before my 'friends' spoil it for me tomorrow. I would tell you more about the Vegas weekend but what happens there...

A quick hit; after last week's "This season on" promo there was a tonne of Slut-shaming of Kaitlyn (K) and then shaming of the slut-shamers. Can we slow down on both camps? A. the show always makes the edit on those promos look worse/better than you would expect and B. let's cross that bridge when it comes, can we wait till we actually know what happened before we raise righteous indignation in both camps?

Tonight's show starts with us pretending that K is just getting out of bed, mysteriously she already has makeup on...and seems like she is wearing way too much clothing.

For now all the guys are chummy, toasting each other and sharing secrets. We cut to Britt crying (nothing new) in her hotel room and talking to her mom...I listened to a podcast with Britt and K (I swear I do not seek out Bach material, it was just part of my regular sports podcast network) Britt mentioned that she does cry alot then admitted that she is not a regular shower-er and takes 'bird baths.' - that is nasty. Brady the songwriter who walked off the rose ceremony to go and meet Britt is knocking on her door, Britt is not a good enough actress to act surprised to see him.

It's group date time:
JJ - Former investment Banker: Does that just mean unemployed? Claims none of the guys are a challenge.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT KFC AD? Colonel Sanders is back and looking like he still owns slaves, did they just have a Dixie land band of all white children play the ad off? I am so confused and a bit creeped out.

The group date is a boxing event, we have Laila Ali training K (who is in a sexy gym outfit - like a typical boxer) and the guys.
"we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!" (Photo: ABC)
Kupah is so focused on training he forgets to hang out and flirt with K, to the point that K forgot he was on the date.
We get the slow mo walk and dramatic music for the guys entrances to the main area infront of a crowd of ladies.

The first fight is Ben Z vs Daniel, there is a 30lb weight difference, yet Daniel holds his own fairly well for a man that outmatched. Most of these fights are brawls, there is no sweet science here. Ben Z is mowing through his competition and Jared is the surprise challenger in the final - this is now a 50lb weight difference, the only thing shocking about this fight is that Jared was able to remember his name at the end of the episode, he takes some brutal (if not well thrown) punches and is knocked down, but to his credit not out! The show pretends to be concerned about him - if they had been, there is no way this fight would have happened.

K tells us her biggest fear going into the date was someone getting hurt...but yet they did it! Apparently I was not the only one annoyed/bothered by this, E texted me after the show to announce her displeasure with this hypocrisy. Jared took such a beating that he is not available for the evening portion. K pretends that she is concerned about Jared but instead slobbers over the victor Ben Z. K talks to Ben Z first, to the victor goes the spoils and Ben immediately plays the sympathy card, telling K about his mom passing away when he was 14, I know it was/is sad for him, but that was at least 10 years ago, I am sure the story could have waited a bit!

In the middle of the dates K gets a mysterious note "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you." Turns out it was from Jared who gets some alone time with K and gets in the first kiss of the episode ONE! K for all of our mocking of Farmer Chris last season is very enthusiastic about her kisses.

Cut to the house Clint gets the first one on one date card...JJ remains "completely unfazed."

Ben gets the group date rose, playing the dead-card seems to have worked, I still find it gross.

One on One date:
Clint is the guy who drew the image of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and charmed K on the first night. For their date they are going to do an underwater photo shoot. In order to get 'ready' for the photo shoot the photo conceptualist requires that Clint and K connect spiritually; they combine stretches with staring into each others eyes and hands over hearts.

Back to the house and the healer is telling us that fighting for K in the boxing match was ridiculous, I agree with him, he then goes off on tangents about nature etc and we part ways.

K and Clint take some underwater photos, and then kiss underwater TWO.

Back to the house, the healer is asking one of the other guys for advice on K but accidentally calls her Britt, I think he might be a fan of 'self medicating.'

Clint gets the one on one rose...K says a lot of things which are just precursors to kissing, she goes in for the kill...I still love you K.

E sent me this and asked if it is a nipple on his neck...I cannot unsee it

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)
2nd group date and Amy Schumer shows up to show us that the power of self promotion and money over comes all...this is the type of show she should be skewering not being on, but then again I write about it soooooo yeah! The guys are put on the spot to immediately tell a joke, I feel nothing but empathy for them, (I think I am a pretty funny guy but I hate being told to tell jokes) having to come up with a joke on the spot is difficult.

JJ claims his pick up line is to tell girls that he has a kid and lives with his parents...see above re 'Former.' Amy Schumer schools JJ so bad, but he is too obnoxiously self absorbed to realize that he has been burned.

The guys are actually not bad overall as a group until Tony the healer, who takes the mic and tries to inspire the audience through his words - he left the stage looking like a crime scene. JJ mocks Tony in his set, he is trying hard to be the villain of this season or they could just be editing him this way, after all it would be hard to NOT mock Tony if you followed him to the stage. Every time Tony talks all the guys roll their eyes, JJ just rolls his twice. Tony keeps telling us that he has been training for this (the show? falling in love? drinking?) his whole life. On his one and one he decides to tell K that he really wanted Britt, but tells K that she has impressed him and that she is like a combination lock he does some very creepy motions in the air with his fingers.
the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

JJ wins a kiss on his one on one time by bringing up his daughter THREE. K "thank you for doing that." She really really really loves kissing. JJ "I would put 50 grand on my winning the rose tonight" Just as he says that we see Joe making out with K outside FOUR! JJ wins the rose but...betting money like that is probably why you are a former Investment banker'.

The guys have a gentleman's agreement that the men who didn't have time to go on dates with K would get first crack at her...JJ immediately ignores that and takes K away from the group for alone time despite having a rose that means he is safe. JJ returns to the group pea-cocking and declaring "sorry I am not sorry," to the camera he says "More than anything right now I'm feeling just smugness wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence..." So my question above re whether it was the edit or his desire to look like the bad guy has been answered.

Ian tells K about the car accident that took him out and nearly ended his hope of ever walking much less running again, the personal story of course leads to yup you guessed it FIVE!!!

JJ keeps prodding Tony trying to get him to crack and go home. Kupah says out loud something I thought they might edit out, he notes that he does not just want to be the "minority guy that fills a quota." The JJ strain is getting to him and he starts to question K in a way that is a little too aggressive, questioning her, saying silly things like he does not think there is a connection between them...K responds "To be honest I actually felt a connection up until right now."

I don't want to give JJ too much credit but I do think his needling of Kupah put him in the dumb head space that caused that terrible conversation...BUT, he compounds it, after K tells him that she is going to need some time to think about the conversation they were having he loudly starts to tell the other guys about what happened and stupidly editoralizes it out loud with his impressions, unfortunately for him K is just around the corner and can hear everything he is saying, including his mockery (I should point out, he appears to be drinking heavily at this point) so she tells him he needs to go home immediately no need to wait for a rose ceremony. His exit interview is boisterous and leads us to a "to be continued."

All show they have been teasing a blossoming relationship with Brady and Britt, he asks her to be his girl and she says yes Kiss count SIX (does this one count?).
 The promos for that moment were longer than the actual product shown.
 Oh well, at least Britt continues to do her part to help Cali through our current drought.

Can we stop getting the 'to be continued' bad edits?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Bachelorette 2nd night recap, hey girl, no not you, your friend that was standing beside you!

Before we continue this extravaganza let's take a moment to review last night, we had 2 Bachelorettes, a bunch of dorks and one guy that made me so uncomfortable watching his actions that I was genuinely concerned he was getting close to a date rape.

I tried hard to analyze the guys last night and I came to the conclusion that many of these guys remind me of this 'friend' I have, he makes everyone around him uncomfortable, girls who know him refuse to go home with him even though no one expects him to do anything but there is just an awkward feeling. He is one of those guys that the more you get to know him the more you dislike him. The majority of my friends hate him to the point that they wonder why we still hang out, most of the peeps in my social sphere have requested that I warn them if he will be at a party or bar before they show up...he reminds me of a tonne of the guys on this show. They probably have a few really good friends, but the majority of people in their social sphere probably secretly (or not so secretly) hate their guts and leave parties a lot faster when 'that guy' shows up.

On to the circus:
Last night we left off with Britt being the more confident of the 2, this show loves to try to swerve us so... I have been predicting Kaitlyn (K...yes I am too lazy to type her full name every time) since the announcement at the end of the Bachelor and I will hold fast to that.

Chris walks in to tell Britt in an unnecessarily slow and cruel manner that she is not the Bachelorette, there is no good way to tell someone this but "the majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with um Britt, unfortunately you are not going to be the Bachelorette" THAT IS SOME AWKWARD ASS MESS! This show as I dubbed it last night has truly become the Ratchette. Not only are you booting Britt but you had to make sure she DEFINITELY knows "THEY DO NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU" the harshness of this is foolish and takes the sheen off an already fading rose.

To throw some more salt in the wound and to remind us she was rejected in the grand tradition of this show, Britt has to leave in a limo and do a backseat interview like the typically let go contestants have to. ABC pipes in some slow sedate music with a featured piano to let you know this moment is sad...stuff it producers.

Chris tells K that she is now the Ratchette for this season, they share an awkward hug

and then Chris reminds K that "the job" of the Ratchette is to go and cull the herd so she still has to go through a rose ceremony. I am helping my friend with his business proposal while watching this...I think that I should commit to one or the other, but I just cannot commit full brain potential to this show.

The healer is having a hard time with the cocktail party, he claims he came in with the intention of devoting himself to Kaitlyn then he met Britt and his heart moved to her and now he does not know what to do...let me help - GET A JOB HIPPY.

One idiot tells K that he voted for Britt, she tells him that she is very happy he told her that, I would have taken that secret to my way she can ever marry you now.

 Other idiots are telling/reminding the other guys that they too voted for Britt. Why? This is why women so often call men dumb - these moments.

One guy plays the shy guy role then moves in for the kiss I knew he was faking that routine. KISS COUNT ONE.

K keeps repeating the part of the show that I hate; she now has to wonder how many of the guys are disappointed that she is there. It would be like going to a party and then realizing that they meant to invite your dad who has the exact same name as you...NOT A PERSONAL STORY...I swear...just because my dad and I have the exact same name does not mean this story is PERSONAL...I SWEAR

K in her way while presenting the first impression rose tells Shawn that she is really attracted to him. KISS COUNT TWO. She becomes really giddy...oh just watch the clip, my love for her is gone!

The rose ceremony begins and I am trying to see how fatigued the guys get while this process goes on, I know this thing takes awhile and you can see so many of these guys have the bloodshot eyes with circles that are always a dead giveaway of drinking and late nights (it is a bit harder to tell on about 2-3 guys but I leave you to guess why). The healer gets a rose, guess the spirits told him to stay. As is now becoming a tradition on these shows, someone breaks rank and asks K to talk to him in private.
The guys left behind are wondering if he is trying to talk his way into a rose, but instead he is telling K that he is leaving and going off to find Britt.

Chris tells him that he will help him to find Britt...makes me wonder if there is going to be a side plot to this season with guys going to find Britt wherever she is or any time that K cuts them. Could Britt be running a bootleg side Ratchette only show as the real show continues on TV...This could be a thing people, let's make it happen.

The idiot that told K that he voted for Britt actually got a rose, K you sadden me girl, has this show already infected you? Was it the look?

You can tell the show went on for a bloody long time because as the rejected suitors leave it is bright daylight outside.
The law student stripper got booted - I take great joy in that!

The season on promo shows a lot of aggression and a lot of kissing and Nick V showing up to extend his 15 minutes of fame.

Just like that my crush on her gets crushed completely (I know you see what I did there)

We also get a hint that K may be hooked up before the fantasy suite, nope no may be...they actually show it - K tells us and the guys that she had sex with one of them.

We end with Brady travelling to Britt's door to knock on it and week. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette recap, feminism gets set back and decency gets patted on the fanny

Sometimes my friends tease me about my sexuality and my masculinity, especially on the nights or days I discuss the Bachelor/Bachelorette properties, the jokes do not bother me in the least, I am secure in myself and the teasing often comes from the weak minded who cannot find more inventive ways to mock me. BUT, on nights like this, nights like this I definitely give them fodder. Not only was I tricked by two young ladies into not going to see the Avengers movie, I instead saw PITCH PERFECT 2; on the same night that I loudly declared that I could not wait to see the Bachelorette (Ratchette); on the same day that a young lady was mocking my decision to walk a mile to the store to get a couple new tubs of ice cream so that I would have something good to eat while watching the 'Ratchette' yup, these are the nights I make it easy. But as the young ladies said "At least you redeemed yourself" when I jump started their car without having to look it up on the internet like a MACHO MACHO MACHO MAN!!! Yeah buddy, CaliJ is Back!

Let's get to the Ratchette premiere there will be 2 days of this Ratchet Mess so please, pace yourself, make sure you have enough ice cream and coconut water and most importantly turn your snark detectors up high!
(oh and because I know you are curious, I have 2 scoops each of Caramel praline and Butter Pecan and 1 scoop of french vanilla in a salad bowl...I earned it, I caused electricity to flow)

What does Chris Harrison do during the 'off season' does he just randomly walk into rooms and repeat obvious things to keep his skills sharp? Does he go to kids' parties count the candles on the cake and announce "Ladies and gentlemen there are 5 candles on the cake, this means that little Jimmy will be turning 5 today."

Before we get into the meat of the show: I guess no more than two black guys, if any.
Chris tells us that part of the reason we have 2 women to be treated like meat tonight is because ABC interviewed the men and they could not decide on which woman to have as the main Ratchette.
“How did this happen? Well, when we were interviewing the men who wanted to come on the show, they were truly divided as to which girl they thought they could fall in love with,” Harrison said. “Since the feelings were so strongly split, it seemed unfair to make that decision for the men. Instead, we thought it would be best to have the men meet both women, and then have them decide whether Britt and Kaitlyn should ultimately become the bachelorette.” I wonder if they do this for the Bachelor (I need an insulting term for that for gender equality the Ratchelor does not seem as fun but maybe it will grow on me)...I doubt that seriously, this is sexist and gross (and I am still going to watch it). I would probably take much of this back if they do it when the Ratchelor premiers next season but still there is something mean about having a person rejected once on national TV and then immediately do it to them again by having a group of men/women say "we prefer the other person."

We start with THE BLACK GUY, (light skinned) did ABC hear all the backlash from people looking at the 'cast' line up and figure, lets just show him first, I was with him right up until he said his preference would be Britt! He has a 5 year old son, I now want to know if this will come up alot this season, wait who am I kidding no black guy lasts long into the season.

There is a former law student that is allegedly studying for the bar, I say allegedly because his back story has him working as a stripper (hey we all gotta pay bills) and then obviously appearing on this show. NO ONE STUDYING FOR THE BAR CAN BE ON THIS SHOW...that is a fact, not opinion.

We have a guy that might be black...? I was leaning to just swarthy, but then he ran track, which is of course a stereotype, but its this show, sooooo I just do not know. I feel like a producer saw him and thought 'ambiguous enough race and he runs? This will work.'

Some of these jobs...
Look I hate being an elitist, I do not think I should judge the jobs of others, I live my life by the Mantra "I never judge I ridicule" BUT, Healer is NOT A JOB damn it, that is NOT A JOB.
Here he is with his plants...

I know you are as shocked as I am that it was not weed

The ladies arrive and my crush on Kaitlyn resumes, I still think Britt is an actress looking to use this to jump start her career not her love life.
They are forced to stand side by (not quite) side

 The black guy (yes I know I should learn his name) zeroes in on Britt and apparently Britt is feeling him. Most of the guys are going directly to Britt, it feels foolish to me, I think I would stand in the middle and ask them both to converge on me or ask them if I could flip a coin or do a group hug or something because 'picking one' seems risky especially if the other one becomes the Ratchette. Watching Kaitlyn come close to tears as guy after guy goes to Britt strengthens my belief that this is cruel (I hope I would feel the same if it was all going the other way too).

JJ is listed as 'Former Investment Banker' I am bloody curious as to 'Former' he then tells Kaitlyn while pulling out a Hockey puck and playing on her Canadian status "I would love to puck you."

As more and more guys start going towards Kaitlyn she is loosening up.

The Law Student/Exotic dancer gets out of the limo and starts I am sure you guessed it STRIPPING, I really hate that he has the word Law attached anywhere to him. Kaitlyn immediately lets us know that Britt can have him...not a great strategy dude.

Britt expresses jealousy that some of the guys have brought gifts for Kaitlyn then we immediately cut to a guy handing her a package of tissues because she was the crying girl last season. I agree with Britt, reminding her and the world that she was the crying girl was not very smooth, the guy might not have meant any malice behind it, but it was definitely not smooth. Kaitlyn seeing the package asks "what is that, soap or tissues?" I really hope she is making a reference to the fact that last season we were told that Britt NEVER showers.

Kaitlyn takes a break from the Cattle Call line up and runs inside to say hi to the gathered guys, Britt claims it is disrespectful and that Kaitlyn is not playing by the rules.
(I just had to put my phone on 'Do not disturb' I am getting texts from multiple friends asking me about the show and potentially providing spoilers...I need to reexamine my life)

A guy named Ryan (Who dated Bachelor Juan Pablo's winner Nikki, soak that in ) has gotten sauced - he keeps declaring "I am horned up" I really hope he is not suggesting that he is horny, one would would hope that he was smarter than that...he does not seem like he is.

Another guy pulls up in a hot tub car (completely filled with water 'the Carpool Deville') to which Ryan loudly declared "That car sucks" the ladies are horrified by Ryan's outburst especially since both loved the hot tub car. By the way the guy in the hot tub car is an "Amateur Sex Coach"...yeah

We have gotten to the gimmick vehicle portion of the night, the next guy rolls up in a cupcake bike/car/whatever.

The black guy says out loud while trying to figure out the logistics of the situation with choosing between both ladies "Or maybe... we will have to move to Utah or something like that and have a dual wedding."

Kaitlyn starts with a joke and Britt starts with an emotional appeal...sigh. So many of the guys (the simple ones) are amazed by Britt's 'sincerity'.

Some of the guys are fairly smooth in their approaches in their one on ones, including a guy who pulls out a portrait frame with the portrait hidden and tells Kaitlyn that he drew it while hoping "this person would be on" the show; he tells Kaitlyn "No disrespect" which of course leads her to guess it is going to be Britt, he reveals the portrait and it is of course...Chris Harrison riding a triceratops - well done sir.

As Chris is explaining to the guys that the voting room is now open and the guys can vote the 'Healer' gets up while the trio is still up there and goes to the voting room, he claims the energy coming off of Britt's Box (cue juvenile laughter) lets him know that he has to vote Britt, I claim this man might actually be homeless and crazy.
I hate that I kind of like these boxes

A guy asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos and she points out that Chris S all of last season never once asked her about her tattoos hate to say it girl but he was "just not that into you."

Drunk Ryan "Is this the gay Bachelor?" He is quickly becoming the guy that may lose his job after this show. [If he has a job] The Amateur Sex Coach pulls him aside to ask Ryan why he yelled at him about his car, Ryan does not remember doing it, he then becomes a bit more aggressive but nothing 'good' happens.

A few of the guys had to rescue the girls from Ryan, he gets more than a little handsy, slapping Kaitlyn on the buttocks, holding Britt's head, calling the girls "a couple hos" outside of their presence. He then gets all the way down to his skivvies and enters the pool he then stumbles around the house in his skivvies bumping into things, falling and doing the most sacrilegious thing in the Bach/ house disrespecting throwing a rose.

 When a guy confronts him and asks why his shirt is off (a perfectly reasonable question) Ryan responds with "Why am I not raping you right now?" Seriously that is a response you give to anyone any time?
Kupah (I am going to say he is black) points out that Ryan may have bad motivations to go to the house and become "drunk, or hammer or white boy are not setting yourself up to have a long term stay here."

A security guard comes for Ryan and tells him that Chris Harrison would like to talk to him outside. Chris tells Ryan that he is clearly not here for any of the girls so he has to leave, that seems to sober him up just slightly enough for him to mutter a "sorry" but that is it, his time is done.

Turns out the guy with the tissues was trying to be mean to Britt...not cool dude (and I say this as a person who likes Kaitlyn more).

Chris lets us know the votes are in and a security guy gets some shine time,

ABC News Videos | ABC Entertainment News
 so many of the guys are loudly declaring who they voted for, it seems foolish to me to do such a thing, none of these guys are your friends and when the next day arrives they will snitch to the girl you didn't vote for.
We of course do not find out who the girl is because...we have another night to fill.
In the bloopers we see the amateur sex coach telling Britt about his job, she is cracking up as he continues to explain that he has not worked "with 2 humans" so because he has not yet worked with anyone yet, he is not going to try to teach others...AMATEUR
BUT he did give some great advice - "When you get those anal toys, just make sure they don't get stuck in your bowels."

Bonus -
The Clorox 'bleachable' moment:

Ryan was passed out for part of the evening

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Bachelor picks the women he uhm, he uh, he ugh, he is pretty sure he wants to marry and we learn the Bachelorette is the ugly step child of the franchise.

Black Matt is back for the finale! Tara hates that I call BM, BM but he loves it (I think) and most other peeps definitely love it...There is no racism behind it, it was formulated as a descriptive name at the time when the person I was talking to knew 3 Matts that I knew 2 were white, 2 were tall, all 3 are attorneys only one was Black!

As we always do we are drinking a tonne to get through this show, I an drinking Jamaican Rum Cream and BM an IPA, his might sound like the harder drink, but only one of us scowls every few sips so I think I am winning. By the way, my drink has a tonne more alcohol than BM's...just saying.

We do the terrible move of going to LA for a live studio audience, I ask BM if he would ever be a part of the live audience, ever the pragmatist he says "of course, look at how many women are there...the ratio is definitely in your favor."

Often this is the most boring episode of the season, because at this point all parties involved are too afraid to say anything racy, fun or controversial that might haunt them at the end.

We see Chris walking through a snow covered field with a tonne of flat land with nothing to see but snow...NO WAY DOES THE SAN DIEGO GIRL MOVE THERE FOR EVER. BM insists that we should have asked Becca when we saw her if she won - I mock him because no way does she give up the goods to 2 black guys randomly asking her about the Bachelor.

BM see's Chris' mom and I force him to expound on his initial "wow is that his mom?" he refuses at first but I push and push then volunteer my thought first "You think she looks like a cartoon witch don't you?" He sheepishly agrees. "so becca how do u feel about my son"
I texted our thoughts to E and she makes us cackle (see what I did there?) with "She'll curse the loser". BM "he should have picked the Kardashian girl she was cute" weirdly Tara had just said the same damn thing earlier today...maybe that is why she called him "Impeccably dressed Matt?"

Whitney meets the family first, and she gives a toast"i just want parents again"
 causes the family
more weeping.
 to tear up.
the most weeping.

 Whitney when meeting with the sister's continues her move of being way too eager to show that she is willing to give up her whole career and life for Chris.
 Chris' sisters basically ask the question we have all been asking for 2 weeks if Whitney seems to be all the things Chris wants why is Becca still there? Chris struggles to articulate why he likes Becca...the sisters call him out on it in their confessional.

Whitney sits down with Chris' mom and starts pouring out her heart and BM coldly says "sometimes I think they only want to win". Whitney tells the mom that she desires to call someone else mom since her own mom died years ago...bold move.

Chris meets with his 'boys' to discuss the situation, they meet in a garage, I think it is to look tough!
 Chris' boys also call him out on the Becca issue.

Becca meets the fam:
They ask her about visiting Arlington, Iowa, she plays it off well and makes a joke about spending the weekends at the Post Office...I think there is a grain of pain truth hidden behind the smiles. Becca tells the sisters that she is not in love with Chris yet, but could see it moving there, and that she is not yet ready to move until she is sure - AGAIN CHRIS WHY HER OVER KAITLYN? Stutter out an answer one more time for us. Chris' sister lets something slip - he has been hurt by a Cali girl who refused to move to Iowa before: hmm! Basically the sisters are one step away from saying "She is the worst choice you could ever make" but they are on TV. Chris says that while Becca has not told him she loves him he thinks she will, then says "that is what I am hoping for." Why on earth did he make someone part of his final 2 that he hopes love him?

Becca sits down with Ursula Chris' mom: The mom calls her something special. Then maybe casts a spell?
 Becca repeats that she is not in love with Chris. Chris' mom speaks of his past and BM says "Why does everyone keep talking about what he has been through, did he get his heartbroken or something?" I point out "everyone has had their heart broken, they make it sound like he went through a war." Chris' mom keeps insisting that what Becca is feeling for Chris is love. I think it might be virginal indecision (if she is still a virgin).

Chris walks her out and they kiss and Becca breaks away from him to get in the SUV to "Get in the warmth" yup this is the Sunny San Diego girl that is going to move to Iowa???? Come on son! The Bachelor's strike rate for marriages is already pitifully low, if he were to pick Becca, that would hurt it's already bad stats! 5 of 29 couples have gotten married...

Back to the studio audience and Chris Prime narrating to us his thoughts, I fast forward through it, if I missed something dear reader I apologize, but I would risk good money saying I bet I did not! BM viewing the audience "I don't think you can go if you are a guy" I point out a few men in the audience and suggest "Maybe it is like a Vegas club 3 girls 1 guy to get in?"

Chris goes to meet Becca in her hotel suite she looks tense every time they kiss. Becca asks Chris how he is feeling and Chris the great orator of our time long pauses and then says "I want everything in your heart that you can give me" - this is what happens to us when '50 Shades of Grey' counts as great literature! Becca tells Chris "I cannot give you a timeline of when I want to move [BM interjects "she doesn't want to move"] towards love."

Becca says she doesn't know when she wants it but she wants to have kids, she wants to get married. Chris keeps asking her why she doesn't love him - this is very, very awkward. Chris tells her not to hold back, he wants to know what would stop her from falling in love - she says the uncertainty of what she would do when/if she moved to Arlington. His friend earlier said to him that he might be chasing Becca because he cannot get her, he is probably right. This girl keeps throwing up speed bumps and stop signs and Chris keeps powering through them like he is on a tractor (I could not resist). I feel like we just watched a creepy moment. There was nothing romantic in this whole segment. Chris says in his confessional "tonight the answers I got were not necessarily what I hoped for. But Becca wants me in her future." I think he listened to a different conversation than I did.

Look plenty of girls (okay a few girls, okay a handful, okay a couple) could accuse me of hearing what I wanted to hear when it was time for us to break up, but I really hope I was not as obtuse as Chris was. The studio audience claps, BM "Why the hell are they clapping. It's not a play" We watch and comment on this thing like a sport - because it is!

Final date with Whitney, I bet BM she will jump into Chris' arms, she does not disappoint.

Chris takes her to harvest corn on his farm! Read that last part again, on their final date they harvest corn. They sit in a Combine together and harvest Corn!
"so tell me about all the, um, buttons"
 Would they have to do this for their anniversary? Chris shows her around his acres and acres of property (800 Acres) that's cool to own, but will a girl from a big city be satisfied with it? BM earlier pointed out that if Chris did not pick Whitney he is an idiot...this could be a test of the educational system in Iowa. I zoned out through much of the conversation on this date. Chris goes to Whitney's room and spots a picture of them together that she has framed and she says "I carry it in my suitcase everywhere we go." I am sure most peeps find that cute, I find that weird.

Whitney tells Chris that she is confident because that is why she is there but at the same time "I am so fricking scared" she knows he cannot tell her his final decision, but she is definitely fishing...I applaud your attempt Whit.

Final day:
We get Chris shirtless staring out of the hotel window, the view is of an industrial city, we see Chris in a sweater, back to staring out of the hotel window, Neil Lane cannot appear at the hotel room door fast enough. Neil points out Iowa is very cold...shocking! You know he is pissed that this is where he had to fly to present rings to a Bachelor.

This season must have saved the show so much money, no way is it an expensive shoot in Iowa (I say this not knowing the cost of the constant heaters you would have to have running around me to keep me warm in a snow covered landscape). By comparison most seasons end with trips to exotic locations, not Dubuque, Iowa.

Becca shows up first to the barn, this is a bad sign right? The first girl gets booted! Chris says "I hope I am making the right call, but seeing her I am not sure what I am going to do." He kisses her (of course he does). Chris tells Becca the she is not really ready to be his wife and so he is letting her go...he says it only slightly gentler than I just wrote it, but with all his stuttering pauses he might as well have just said "look girl it's over." Sooo many heavy sighs from Chris, at one point he sighs 4 times in between words (you can see his breath, it must be freezing in that barn). Becca does not seem sad to be going home, girls in week 2 showed more emotion than she is showing on the final day.
"is there somewhere we can stop for a burger"

Whitney arrives to the barn of judgment (Seriously a barn, how much did this cost them? Oh wait, it's already owned by Chris' family!) the show is really pushing this country theme a little too much.

 Whitney kisses him and I want to yell, "Gurl he just kissed the other chick." BM and I agree that they had to have hidden the limo with Becca, because there is no way 2 limos passed on that isolated road and they did not notice each other.
 Chris gets his tear face on and drops to a kneeYES!!!!!!!!!!!!
 and we get the glimpse of the huge rock that Whitney will now permanently affix to her finger. 4-chris-bachelor-winner-engagement-ring-whitney-becca-engagement-ring-picture
Chris has to give her the final rose...just once I would like the girl to take the ring but be funny enough to say no to the final rose.

BM announces that Whit's voice would grate on him after awhile - welcome to the club fella.

After the final Rose:
Chris comes out to thunderous applause, he is as inarticulate as ever. Becca comes out, and she is as calm as she was when she walked off the show. Elizabeth texts me "I think Becca is a robot" she might be right. RIP Leonard Nimoy, if there is ever a female Spock the actress can take her 'Do not show emotion' cues from Becca.

Whitney comes out, tonnes of kissing and heavy sighs and Whitney is breathing and bobbing like she just ran a mile against Roger Bannister (look it up kids). Whitney says moving to Iowa is in the future plans, but there is no hurry there. We see a scene of Chris' parents celebrating with the new couple and Chris' mom immediately talking about grand babies...the struggle is real.

Ashley S is in the audience, Chris Prime asks her again if she is going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, her response "I mean, I suppose, I might be there" - everything about her screams actress to me.

Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance, he mocks Ashley S. claiming that she thinks that she is on the Price is Right currently. He asks the couple if they have been making love constantly, they affirm that they have...not awkward at all. Kimmel claims that he has a surprise for the couple, runs off stage and returns with a cow that he has named Juan Pablo.
"help me"
Time for the Bachelorette announcement: Chris Prime claims that Bachelor nation was split, he polls the audience, Britt or Kaitlyn, the response for Britt is not enthusiastic.

 "We actually decided not to for the first time in history, we are going to have two Bachelorettes." Apparently the 25 guys on the first night will get to choose which of the 2 they think will make the best wife. This feels weird to me, it feels a bit icky to do this to the women - Both arrive on stage in sparkly silver dresses.
Embedded image permalink
Kaitlyn does not look pleased to be sharing the stage with Britt and then proves it by saying her first reaction to hearing that Britt will be there "well that's not ideal" preach.
Oh Kaitlyn, I feel ya.

Elizabeth texts me and insists that I go back to see Chris say that he wanted to marry a woman like his sister. I am now very mad at E for making me have to watch Chris emote again.

And again the next Bachelorette is Kaitlyn...

and...Britt! The final announcement was displeasing. The optics are bad ABC, even on the female 'controlled' season...the men still choose!!!!!

Okay Elizabeth, this last addition is for you...since E pointed out that it is creepy that Chris wanted someone just like his sisters for his wife:

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Bachelor recap or The women tell all becomes Britt's audition reel

Black Matt (BM) is here for the most potentially ratchet night of the season...BM pretends he didn't know it would be. Shout out to Elizabeth...I still hate you for getting me into this show, but nights like this I am closest to liking you.

Chris Prime expecting a laugh says "this is the most shocking season of the Bachelor" he gets crickets. We do that new Bachelor tradition of sneaking into a home of viewers to 'surprise' them with the Bachelor [Chris proving that he is a country boy asks "what if they have guns?" I think he is only half kidding]. I do not believe the first house they go to is merely a weekly viewing party, too much has been put into this! We are talking themed food, costumes and props! The kiss count jumps to ONE because a mom sneaks up on Chris and plants a kiss on his lips!
"jk let's just make out"
Too many of these doors are UNLOCKED in LA, I lived in that city no one leaves doors unlocked, they might not know for sure the Bachelor is coming, but they know someone might be coming...the groups he visited this season were a lot more fun than the last season's these peeps were all LIT: One group even got him to take shots

The girls are all reintroduced to us and we get the requisite..."Who is she?" looks!
Hello Trina it is very nice to meet you
The show's quick recap has insets of the girls watching the show, Britt and Kelsey are not happy! As I said earlier in the season, Carly's schadenfreude of Britt is met with disdain from the audience - I think Carly lost much of the heartland with piling it on. Britt immediately attacks Carly as the recap ends. If Ashley I is still a virgin...her dress cannot be.
All of America's feelings captured in a single facial expression.
That thing has less fabric than my underwear.

Chris Prime brings Britt up to talk and I guess moderate? He is terrible at that. Black Matt asks "Isn't there a black girl on this?" we then cut as if a producer heard him to the 'Black girl' he voices what I have hinted at "Wow they found the lightest black girl they could find!" I post that because I cosign it; do I believe they really did that? I don't not believe it ;)
The Bachelor: Women Tell All Recap: Kelsey Talks About Her 'Amazing' Story
Look carefully at that picture, the 'black girl' is there, but I could see why you would miss her

Britt gives us her "I am a good person resume" inner city tutoring, blah blah BM "she is crying so much" I wonder "How does her makeup stay on?" - So macho we are. Britt plays the victim really well, she might be a better actress than I thought she was. She also has a bull dog in Jillian who attacks Carly and seems willing to fight for Britt. Britt to Carly "Can I just say something where you don't interrupt me because you have pretty much narrated my whole life for the last 3 weeks?" I think she planned that line.
BM "She is crying again, we should make it a drinking game" ME "None of us would survive that" BM "Even you would get drunk"

We are shown a peep into the interaction between Britt and CP during the commercial break and Britt is crying again and so BM has to drink some more...He may have to spend the night on my couch!

I yell at BM for whispering one of my lines when CP says that Kelsey went from a widow to a "black widow" BM "Racist" no fair, I love yelling that in sotto voce randomly when anyone says "black" (about anything).

Kelsey immediately brings up the dead husband - Chris Prime is paid the big bucks to not roll his eyes...he offers his handkerchief to Kelsey as she cries and she blows her nose in it - she is allowed to keep it. Even in her apology to the girls Kelsey is demeaning - The first girl who gets a chance to talk Juelia (widowed too) calls her the fakest person she has ever met. Megan points out that if Kelsey is grieving she should never have been on the show.
Chris Harrison and Kelsey on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
Kelsey addresses the girls as if she is a Schoolmarm and they are unruly children,
Britt and Jillian have apparently appointed themselves guardians of her story and try to defend her...most of the other girls are not fans.

Black Matt and I exhibit jealousy at Chris Prime's job! WE want it! We get footage of Ashley S with an Axe! "WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?", is the question both BM and I think of at the same time. Ashley presents Chris with an onion as a gift.
BM immediately says "she looks older than 24", "They all do" I reply...and I know a tonne of you readers think the same.

Ashley S seems no saner than when she was on the show, I gave her the benefit of the doubt re the stress of the show, I am now wondering if she is not crazy but just a delusional actress. Chris extends the Bachelor in Paradise invite to Ashley S. the crowd chants "Do it"...of course she will.

Jade touches the hot seat - in another macho moment, when we get a recap of Jade's season and her Cinderella date I couldn't help myself and said out loud "But that was such an ugly dress tho" and BM instead of judging says "For sure". We are absolutely going to raise a barn after this show!
The Bachelor should absolutely release a line of make up after this show called "Cry just a little" (they may already have a makeup line, too lazy to ever look that up) the makeup these ladies use can withstand so many tears. Jade says Chris letting her go because of the pictures crushed her.

Kaitlyn is up next and I threaten BM that she is mine. Kaitlyn is crying, do not worry girl I GOT YOU!

Chris comes out and Britt asks to come up there and she immediately gives him the too long to be comfortable hug.
"let's hug while i take a break from weeping"
 Anyone who he has picked as his wife is probably sitting there right now planning a way to kill her. She does a bit of inappropriate touching

Kaitlyn calls Chris out for making her stand through the rose ceremony if he already wanted to boot her. Kaitlyn is tough but fair to him.
"i can't believe u sent me home after i literally sweated out 7 pounds of bodily fluids for you"
Jade also requests to come up to talk to Chris; When did this become Oprah? the-bachelor-women-tell-all-4

This was a bad tell all, let's hope the bloopers are at least funny...they are funny especially when they make fun of Chris' dolphin laugh.

We are unfortunately not told if Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette!
(The divorced) Chris Prime pimps his (romance) is fictional, just like the show he hosts. HEY OH!!!!!

Ratchet Scale: a 2 nothing but tears and Jillian flexing her muscles
MVP: The Make up artists! It is the all star game of the Bachelor season no one keeps a real score on this episode.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.