Can a Jamaican take Cali?

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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, the worst thing to ever happen at the Alamo?

We pick up where we left off with Ian finding multiple ways to call Kaitlyn (K) a 'ho' and 'beneath him'. Ian decides to tell us that "what I am is pretty deep." He continues to tell K that she is superficial while I stare at the balding top of his head. K tells Ian that "I am super offended by you" and he continues to chip away at her. Ian claims that he is not trying to offend K...come on son you allegedly went to an Ivy league, you have to know that you are offending a woman. I think Ian was/is hoping that by 'dissing' K he would come across as 'the man' someone who parties (because let's be honest so many of the peeps on this show are hoping to be offered hosting gigs) and speaking engagements will remember and hire.

If you did not know Ian went to Princeton, he repeats it constantly, this is the worst recruiting material for the school (*not like the school needs help recruiting but there is the impression that it produces elitist douches). In the going away interview Ian again states that he would make an awesome Bachelor (he is wrong) and that girls would come out of the woodwork for him - I suspect those girls would all be subsequently dissed by him.

The guys all sit around wondering how K is feeling, Nick is the only one smart enough to check up on her. While I might think Nick is slimy and not in this 'for the right reasons' (couldn't resist) he from his first season and again on this one, plays 'the game' very well. Finally poor man's Ryan Gosling decides that another guy should go check in on K and he happens upon K and Nick loudly kissing (kiss count ONE).

K in a confessional tells us that intimacy is an important part of any relationship and she is not ashamed of that, I appreciate and applaud that. I keep a kiss count each episode not because I am 'slut shaming' (note I started it during a Bachelor season) but because I think it is funny just how many people get kissed and I am still waiting for that magical episode where everyone gets kissed, prior to the final 4 episode where that is easier to bat a 1000.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison from the GREAT state of Texas lets us know that it is an incredibly difficult time for K and lets us know that we are at the Alamo, followed by the group standing in front of...come on I know you guessed it - THE ALAMO.

Chris the dentist is wearing a jacket that he took from the 'Death to Smoochy' collection and the show uses him to do all the bad puns and analogies, 'the show is like the wild west' to get a rose 'I would pull my own tooth'.
Tanner gets the final rose and the moment was spoiled for me by E who texted me earlier to ask "Have you ever known anyone named Tanner that wasn't on the Bachelor/ette?" once it came down to the final 3 it became obvious who was staying...yes E I am calling you out ;) And the answer to her question is No!

While Joshua is fighting tears in his exit interview (with his terrible hair cut that K butchered) he has the bad moment of hearing the remaining guys cheering for the announcement that the group is going to Ireland.

We zoom across to Ireland and just to make sure you know we get Irish jigs and a tonne of B roll, K tells us that coming to Ireland has always been on her bucket list; coming off of San Antonio being on her bucket list I really want to see just how long that list is, it must come with an index.

Nick gets the one on one date and says it is the luck of the Irish! Shawn looks like he wants to murder him and he didn't even have to sit through that corny line like we had to. We get to see more of K's fear of birds, pity she seems immune to jackasses. Like every country visit these groups go on, on every season, they just 'randomly' happen to come upon people performing in the streets...and just happen to be of all the peeps in the crowd, invited to join! Nick buys them both rings and K seems to think it counts as marriage.

The evening portion of the date is about to occur, but first lets check back in the guys awkwardly sitting around waiting for the date card; Ben H reads it and I weep for the American education system. Half way through this show, we are still on the first date with three dates to go, no way does this show end without the over used 'to be continued'.
On the date K and Nick have a bunch of inane chatter that is apparently sexy? K reaches for the rose that we knew was coming from the moment he got the date but the voice over lets us know that "Nick just makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman." K invites Nick back to her room - she claims that with Nick she "forget there are cameras...there are people involved with this." Yet, when Nick lifts her up for a kiss she murmurs "cameras are still going." By the way, this all started in a Catholic church...the desecration of church grounds week after week continues!

Nick and K are in the hotel suite, and K tells us that she does not want the night to end...we get to see Nick's hand slightly up her skirt. K takes him into the bedroom and we continue to hear the loud kisses while we cut back to Jared and Shawn lamenting that Nick is even on the show. We are presented with a locked bedroom door and windows but mics that are still on so we get to know that Nick wants "to know every part of" K. My closed captioning helpfully tells me that 'Sheets [are] rustling' and 'Kaitlyn moaning' 'Heavy Breathing' 'Kissing continues' if you are not watching this show with closed caption on you are missing half this show's comedy factor - thank me later.

We come back from commercial and I kid you not this CHEESY ASS show starts the segment with video of BIRDS and then...BEES! We see K on the balcony looking perturbed while Nick takes the walk of shame (Stride of Pride). K asks the cameras "Has this ever happened before?...I do not want this to be an issue...I'm trying to think if...Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done." She says she is not sorry about the act, no need to be, she is just worried about the consequences. Nick joins the other guys and cannot stop goofy smiling. He is blatantly trying to tell Joshua that he had sex with K. The other guys come in so Nick repeats it to the other guys and says "yeah it was intimate, it was really personal..." This is all why we see K on the balcony still stressing that Nick will tell the other guys what happened - did she not see Nick telling the world that he had sex with Andi?

Group date:
OMCH tells the boys that K is dead, he is a terrible actor, the group date is to pretend that they are at an Irish wake. K is also a terrible actress at pretending to be dead. So we had Irish jigs in the street, a dinner date in a Catholic church and now a mock Irish wake if the group starts a drunken brawl I will say this show has hit all the stereotypes. The guys give mock toasts to K Chris the Cupcake decides to sing...shocking. Ben Z clears the room for his toast and then K reminds us that Ben Z's mom passed away when he was young and she does her usual move of after causing pain saying "I didn't mean for this to be hard on anyone, I just wanted to keep this lighthearted." Like Jared he kisses her on the forehead (I do not count those in the kiss counts...if your gam gam can do it to you, I cannot count it). Oh look its a preview of Britt showing her guy Brady to her mom.

Evening portion;
They visit a Guinness facility - the guys are starting to do the math and realizing how important that rose is for getting towards the end. Jared in his one on one time is clearly looking around to see if the other guys are looking before leaning in for his kiss (TWO). Shawn shows K pictures of his family that earns him a kiss (THREE). Jared wins the rose, like Shawn I have no idea why. Jared gets more alone time with K and The Cranberries give them a private show...I feel bad for them...The Cranberries that is.

Shawn has gone missing from the group and we find him talking to someone from the crew he tells him that K has told him "you're it" and lets us know that he and K spent time talking for 6-7 hours in his bed. Apparently his parents went through a terrible divorce and thus he is not exactly built for a show like this. We see Shawn heading back to the hotel and going to K's room, she immediately starts stressing out that Shawn knows about what happened with we get a lot of crying in the confessional and yup you guessed it "TO BE CONTINUED."
It looks like next week instead of a Kiss count we are going to have to have a Cry Count!

Back to Britt, Brady and her mom. Britt's mom tells her that she thinks Brady is sweet "and a great new friend" Britt is worried that her mom using the word 'friend' means that Brady is just in the friend zone. Which is of course something she tells the camera rather than just asking her mom!

Monday, June 22, 2015

A quick word on a fake controversy before I then write my usual superficial Monday blog

Before firing up my DVR I watched 5 minutes of Fox they blasted the president for the N word and then moved on to accusing the AP of trying to get Ted Cruz killed because of this photo

I am not here to ever talk politics...but shouldn't we also consider the fact that the reason that picture was able to be framed was because he was at an event and location that was pro gun? It was a "Celebrate the 2nd Amendment" event! Oh the irony! The same event where Mr. Cruz said this "“You know, the great thing about the state of Iowa is I’m pretty sure you all define gun control the same way we do in Texas,” Cruz said, according to the Huffington Post. “Hitting what you aim at.”" ( Can we sometimes just spare the fake outrage?

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Bachelorette recap or did you really graduate from Princeton?

R.I.P. Dusty Rhodes this is truly 'Hard Times' "My belly is just a little big, my hiney is just a little big, but brother I'm BAD!" Yessir.

On to the ratchet! We restart with Nick entering the elevator to go to the suite with the rest of the guys. He walks into the room with a grin and faces all the guys who were clearly staged on one side of the room since Nick gets to sit on a completely empty huge couch.

One of the guys asks the question we all want to know "are you just chasing your 16th minute of fame." The hostility towards Nick is palpable.
Even after all of this...there is going to be a cocktail party and it is going to be at Citi Field (cool location) but the thing that I notice most is - Nick has a suit, last week you will remember my pointedly noting Nick's luggage or lack thereof: where did he get the Suit? It was not in his bag! So much fakeness! Citi Field has not been the sight of many victories so I guess it makes sense to have a bunch of losers there!

Many of the guys struggle around Kaitlyn (K) to not say the wrong thing when it comes to calling her out about bringing Nick back. Shawn basically calls her stupid.

The rose ceremony is held on the infield with K standing on the pitchers mound, very few home runs here (yes I am trying to make bad puns, it is the nature of this show). Many of the guys appear to be shaking but I do not think its solely nervousness I think they are actually freezing, K is bundled up but many of these guys are simply in jackets and dress shirts. Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to let us know one rose is left and he is clearly freezing he could not leave that mound fast enough and starts putting his hands back in his pocket before he even walks off. Nick gets the final rose and many of the guys look ready to punch him directly in the face.

K tells the guys that they are getting out of the cold and going "to somewhere that I have always wanted to go, San Antonio Texas." Look I went to school in Texas, I LOVE TEXAS, but come on, no way the Canadian girl had it on her bucket list.

Ben H gets the One on One date:
They drive off in a retro truck - And go to take a Two Step lesson at Texas' oldest dance hall, ah I miss Texas. Ben apparently has 2 left feet. They then join a 2 step competition. And we get a lot of 2 step competitors (and maybe the world's oldest 2 stepper) telling us some trite phrases about dancing and love. K and Ben of course get smoked but he still gets the episode's first kiss (ONE). The evening portion of this date was so boring I fell into reading Dusty Rhodes tributes, he would never have made it on to a show like this because of his look, but damn he would have been fun as a member of this type of cast.

Group Date:
There is a mariachi band right off the bat so of course we know the guys are going to be playing Mariachi - Cultural appropriation continues! The guys have to write Mariachi lyrics and are being coached by a pre-teen. Ian is very cocky and acts as if he has this in the bag. The guys are dressed as mariachis and will be preforming infront of a gathered crowd. JJ can play the guitar, however he cannot sing. Jared references the Frito Bandito (SIGH - see cultural appropriation). Joe is terribly off key but steals a kiss (TWO). Ian comes across as bad as those American idol singers who at the start of auditions tells you they are going to kill it, that all their friends think they are the best they have ever heard and then squeak out a terrible rendition of a popular song.

 Nick instead of performing in the plaza takes K up to a balcony and thus all the guys had to look up to him (literally) and this did not help his standing in the group, he steals a kiss before returning K to the group. (THREE).
Evening portion:
Joshua allows K to cut his hair as an exercise in trust, that explains why his hair cut seemed so bad in the interviews and the previews - all the guys laugh at him when he returns to the group and he didn't even get a kiss. On Nick's one and one date with K, he spends much of the time kissing her while the guys in the room talk about him. Nick pulls his lips off K long enough for her to question him about his feelings regarding the other guys, he plays coy. Joshua launches into Nick as soon as he gets back, I agree with JJ (hate those words) that the hair cut is part of what has pushed Joshua to the edge. Nick claims that he is happy that he did not win his season, he has rehearsed his statement well.

Josh goes back to meet with K, and I then realize they are filming in a church. WHY Bach/ette productions must you constantly desecrate 'holy' grounds? Methinks these grounds are rented out to the show with the owners of the churches/monasteries etc having either A. no idea what the show is about B. or no belief that the show would ever actually film anything but establishing shots in these areas. I just cannot imagine my dad ever allowing this to happen in our church, in fact I would see him storming onto the set like Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple.

Josh tells K that Nick is constantly talking about his season with Andi "his absolute love for Andi." I guess Josh was telling the truth when he said he didn't watch previous seasons, it is rarely a good move to snitch to the person giving out the roses. Josh suddenly realizes midway that he probably should not have told any of this to K and the color is draining from his face. When Josh goes back to the guys he pretends that he was in an interview for the whole time he was missing, not realizing that the guys all know he was with K. He is shortly followed by K who asks him in front of all the guys if they are all being honest with her, they say they are, Joshua then stammers in front of her and looks to the other guys for back up; they smartly do not. The guys then turn it around on him and point out to him that he lied to them about being in an interview. Granted, K sold him out especially the way she posed the question to the group and to Joshua (no one wants to be called a liar) but Joshua, you had to know you were setting yourself up for failure - the whole plan backfired on him and Nick ends up getting the group rose, leaving him with a very smug smile.

One on One:
Shawn meets K and gets an immediate kiss (FOUR) and they go kayaking, fairly boring date. But he shares some drama that happened to him, he was in a bad car accident. If I were ever on this show I would have so many stories like this, I basically have my narrative already laid out...the kid who should have died 3 times! Shawn tells her he is falling in love with her and K whispers "I'm feeling the same way" uhmm this seems way too soon. Shawn's nickname on Grantland is Ryan Schnozling because he looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose - I think that is what is pulling K in, she probably watched 'The Notebook' a dozen times.

We cut back to Ian who is morose in the hotel room because he is the "Princeton graduate, former model, who defied death a couple times" he tells Nick that he thinks he would be a great bachelor, weird to tell your competition that you have no interest in the girl you are competing for.

He says he is going to tell K all of this at the next rose ceremony, but looking at my DVR clock I am not hopeful that we will get through this without a "to be continued." I heard a theory that because guys keep leaving the show at a pace the producers did not like they have had to stretch the show out a bit more than normal.

Cocktail Party:
Ian "Kaitlyn wants to hear the truth, but I don't think Kaitlyn can handle the truth, she is not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend." Jared gets time with K and she takes him to her room he gets a kiss (FIVE). Ian "against all of my logic, K does not want someone like me, and it is making me look bad...if one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of these lames." No Ian, K not picking you is not what is making you look bad.

The guys then get to see K kissing Joe (SIX) with Ian telling us in a voice over "I don't find K interesting, she seems to be here to just make out with a lot of people" he then tells us that he has sex with a lot of people, way to boast buddy - You are a credit to Princeton! Ian gets his time with K and goes in on her, he tells her that he questions her intentions and of course we get the "to be continued"

So riddle me this Ian, you are on national TV boasting that you have sex with a lot of women (classy) but a girl kissing a bunch of suitors is bad? Apparently Princeton may give you a great education on paper but like the old phrase says "Common sense is not common." And someone somewhere should have taught you this simple lesson, do not be a condescending misogynistic dick! 

Friday, June 12, 2015

Bachelorette recap or Seriously we are going to pretend that this is not a set up with this other guy just showing up!

Soooo tonight I cooked a meal for a bunch of wonderful ladies, drank a tonne of wine and then painted a tree with cherry blossoms onto a canvas, to top off that macho display, I then ordered tickets to a musical and I am now settling in to watch the Ratchette, to put it mildly screw your hetero-norm stereotypes I am full. 

We return to the cocktail party with Kaitlyn (K) going to confront Clint, she is walking with a huge glass of wine and does not look 100% sober, as they sit down she has the 'drunk person long stare', that look where the person is trying so hard to focus that they have to look through the back of your head to focus. K tells Clint that they keep taking steps backwards. Clint then tells K that none of the guys would say a bad word about him...bold move. K tells Clint that she does not trust him and that she is done with him. She brings Clint back in to say goodbye to the guys; JJ demands an apology from Clint "I think you should say sorry to all of us right now - because you are taking time and emotions...there is an emotional energy that you are taking away." The Bromance takes a hit, with Clint calling JJ "a piece of [bleep]" Clint is having the reaction of a man who just got broken up with...but it is not re K (Just saying). 

JJ is unable to complete his confessional because he begins crying too hard. The other guys are making joke after joke about JJ and Clint's break up (of course a Brokeback Mountain joke was made [it was funny even if it made me cringe]) and Ian tells JJ he is despicable. 

There is supposed to be a rose ceremony, but as Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to let them know that this time is supposed to be rose ceremony time K pulls him aside to talk. JJ starts crying when K says there is no rose ceremony so everyone gets to stay, the room however acts as if a skunk just popped up. OMCH lets the room know they are all leaving the mansion forever (guess the short term rental is done) and heading to NYC. 

We get the B-roll footage of the guys walking around New York and yelling the city's name, plus an in show ad for the newly reopened Knickerbocker hotel. K is shown on a boat and a forced pun "hopefully this week is just smooth sailing." 

Group Date
The guys get to meet Doug E Fresh (everyone has to make money) which means there will be terrible rapping by the guys - no shots at Doug E. but he is not going to turn these guys into solid gold in the course of an episode. The guys are going to do a rap battle. 
Doug E tells the guys basic info that would go with any performance, I know I am going to cringe when these guys perform. As the crowd for the battle is shown we see Nick (he of the "Why did you have sex with me Andi?" fame) hanging out...sure just a coincidence. The battles are as terrible as you would expect,
 JJ gets booed because he called NYC girls 'Hoes', know your audience homie. Ashley from Chris' season is also in the audience and when going to see her K spots Nick and reacts like a girl with a crush. 

Nick tells K that he wants to join her season, seriously these guys do not work at all do they? No one with a regular job could just casually choose to join a show or not join a show like this. You cannot just call your boss and say "hey I might be gone for 2 months or I might be back on Monday, I will let you know soon." K now has to make a decision re Nick, she appears to struggle with it. She tells the guys during the evening portion of the date that she wants to bring Nick into the house and wants their input a bunch of guys who are worried about pissing off the girl they are trying to woo are truly going to tell her their feelings? Some might, but the majority are going to bite their tongues. 

The guys understandably are not happy, to me K is coming off badly here, (though in real life if you are dating around you can choose whomever you want in your world) because Nick just seemed like such a tool after Andi's season. K goes to meet Nick on the dock and they kiss (Kiss count ONE) seems rather sudden and makes methink their online conversations were alot more flirty than just "hey you seem cool." 
K tells Nick she needs to sleep on the decision. Justin gets the group date rose, there is not really a good reason for this, I guess he was the best rapper? image

I really want to point out K is a TERRIBLE rapper, someone somewhere once told her she can rap, that person should be smacked! But because K is cute and spunky she probably gets away with 'rapping' around guys all the time so she now thinks she herself is a rapper...SHE IS NOT. 

We get K and Nick talking on the phone while the show lets us know that it is snowing in NYC - Why on earth did they pick this location? Seriously I have been saying this the last few season but I have to keep asking: Have they cut the production budget on this show? K tells us that she needs to talk to someone so she goes to get her hair done and lo and behold the stylist is 'crazy' Ashley S from last season...was she listed as a hair dresser on her season? Am I going to ask a question in every paragraph of this blog? 

Does the Bachelor/ette franchise constantly hook its peeps up with jobs throughout the season, is a former Bachelor guy handling the catering while another drives the limos? K meets up with Nick and he continues to schmooze her. K says she has to be selfish and not care if she makes the other guys angry thus she would regret letting Nick go, so she brings him onto the show, I like that she has completely killed my crush on her in only a few episodes, no need to keep that lingering. 

Jared gets the one on one date and its at the Met (it's also raining a tonne, seriously why this location?). The show sneaks in a Neil Lane ad "I am in this beautiful gown with these beautiful Neil Lane jewels. K admits to us (not Jared) that she is distracted with thoughts of of course she asks Jared about the feeling in the house about Nick. I keep staring at how patchy Jared's beard is, it is so bad that I think it has to be deliberate. Annnnnd Jared wrote K a poem, I hate that every season some terrible poem has to be read on a date! Look peeps you do not have to write terrible poetry to just get your point across - it leads to kisses (TWO) and the date rose. 

BUT, while the location budget might have been curtailed the helicopter budget is still alive and kicking, Jared and K take a tour of the city.
 What is this; a glimpse at Britt and Brady? (or just a cheap ploy by me to sneak another question in?) 

K tells the guys that she has decided to bring in Nick, then notes that she does not like the energy in the room - what did she expect high fives? Half these guys would happily murder Nick! 

Group Date
K takes the guys to do a musical, she claims that she is obsessed with the Aladdin musical then lets us know that what she really loves is the movie, the show just made her pretend that she loves the musical - okay she doesn't explicitly say it, but it is obvious from her words. The guys have to run through their paces and then the usual bomb is dropped only the guy that is picked gets to remain with K for the rest of the date, the other guys have to go back to the hotel.
 For some of the guys my closed caption lists them as "Off Key" during the singing auditions, 
I love turning on the CC during this show, whomever does them for this show can be pretty snarky. Chris wins the date - he will NOT be Aladdin. 

Chris states that peeps pay a lot of money to come to the show to see Aladdin, (it is important to point out that he and K will only be a tiny portion of the real show, no one would ever pay to see him do a full show) but he and K are acting as if they really are going to wow an audience. Tonnes of kisses (THREE) After all of that buildup K and Chris basically just stand in a corner of the stage, have another actor lead them around for directions for about 10 paces and then get 'featured' by an actor with a speaking role pointing at basically NOTHING. 

Back to the hotel and the guys are sitting around wondering and talking about Nick, we see Nick walking around NYC dragging a bag that could not possibly hold all his stuff. Nick gets to the hotel and enters the elevator with heavy breathing (guess he thought it was another night with Andi) and (as E pointed out to me in a text) of course we do not get another bloody rose ceremony! 

We get our Britt and Brady update, she says she is proud to call him her boyfriend, they talk like they are both in a Disney series...oh wait the Mouse does own ABC!!!

Can we take a quick moment and point out how lame the pretense that Nick just happened to be there at the rap battle is? He just happens to be in the audience, but he also just wants to make sure he got to meet Kaitlyn, but he somehow knows exactly where they were filming? It's just too convenient and it insults our intelligence...though the longer I watch this show I wonder if I can still claim intelligence!

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Bachelorette recap or "We've grown very close -- almost too close, I think, at times, in the room and stuff like that, in the shower," - 2 guys

Black Matt invited me to go grab a drink tonight, but put in this line in the message "I do not want to interrupt your blogging" - what has my life come to that an invitation for drinks with a friend comes with them thinking I cannot leave my house on a Monday night?

"An all new dramatic episode of the Bachelorette begins right now" I wonder if Chris Harrison chuckles everytime he records these promos.

We restart with Kupah still going nuts in the continuation from last week. The producers are having a hard time controlling him, he points out that he is the "Black dude that goes home after 3 days"...yeah homie we get it. Kaitlyn (K) goes outside to calm him down, and Kupah switches off the tough guy act are S-A-W-F-T dude! "I honestly don't even like her right now homie" is Kupah's attempt to save face when K leaves him - it does not work. So yup this early in the season we had to get the 'angry black man' syndrome and I cannot even blame this one on the show...who am I kidding sure I can - I am going to pretend that the stresses of this show where Kupah felt like he was just the token led to the extreme reaction because of his looking around and thinking "I really am the token" anyone would react badly to that.

The rest of the cocktail party is cancelled and we go to the rose ceremony with the usual boring fake drama but the final rose goes to Tony, the 'healer' what on earth is happening here? The ceremony was so boring I was trying to find out ways to sync my fitbit with my chromebook...this should not be this bloody hard.

Back to the show, a couple of Sumos (one who is the heaviest Japanese person ever, [per the show]) sneak into the guys' house in the morning and start smashing gongs while screaming in Japanese.

The guys on the group dates are told to put on mawashis the traditional gear and the cultural misappropriation begins in earnest.

 The guys nether regions are all constantly being blurred, I guess if the shows can do their damndest to put the women constantly in bikinis, this counts as fair?

The guys all take their turns against the sumos - Tony enters the ring and warns everyone that they are going to see a fight, his attempts are laughable. But Tony takes it seriously and walks out of the ring pissed off. K goes after him and Tony reasonably (sigh I hate when he does that) points out that every competition so far has had to be about aggression...then goes off on a tangent. K lies to him and tells him that he did not have to do the competition, let's keep it real, if a guy did not do the competition she would not have looked favorably upon him.

JJ then decides to step in and attempt to antagonize Tony, Tony showing more fire than I would have expected from him tells him to get "the [Blurred] away."
By the way for a group date it sure seems like the entire house is involved. Ian attempts to talk Tony off the ledge...trying to so hard to keep another guy in the competition?

K then tells the guys she set up an exhibition for them to show off their newly acquired 'skills'. So the guys roll up on bicycles to the City Walk LA in front of a crowd and Tony does not show up, something K points out (methinks she is not as cool as she pretended to be about it). K gets into a fake match with one of the sumos and of course wins.

The guys go up against each other and Clint a former wrestler easily wins, while taking it all a little too seriously.
Bachelorette sumo wrestling

Cut to the house and Tony is railing again that there is not enough tailored to his likes in the house. Tony has decided to leave but before he does so he wants to explain himself to K so he packs his bags gets in a limo and has it drive him to the evening portion of the group date.

While telling us he is not a quitter, he quits the show...

We see him standing sniffing a flower that he tells K he picked for her. He tells K that "he is easily found" (hint look him up outside of the show) but he is no longer staying on the show.

The rest of the guys get their time with K: JJ and Clint are talking about their respective strategies, JJ says he is going to try to get as much time as he can with K, Clint decides the opposite strategy is the best and he is going to wait for K to seek him out...he does know this is a competition right? K at one point sits down with all the guys, blatantly looks at Clint and he looks away with the "hard to get strategy." Shawn then asks her if he can steal her away and K grasps that lifeline quickly. Shawn's strategy works because he gets the group date rose. Clint in a confessional foolishly points out that K came back for the rose and had the opportunity to talk to him for a couple minutes. Shawn gets the rose and the first kiss. ONE.

K points out to Clint that she felt his attitude to her was a problem. Clint tells us that he is enjoying alot of relationships with the guys "JJ in particular...he is a sweetheart."

Next day we pretend that Chris Harrison (CH) has planned the date and not the Bachelorette's producers, K and Ben Z are both at the mercy of CH. So much of this is ridiculous, I am supposed to believe that CH who has spent less time with the guys than K and the producers, knew which guy was best to pick for a one on one date? For the date CH wants the couple to go into a mystery room find a code and use the code to escape 'The Basement A live Escape Room Experience' - just before entering K tells us that her big fear is birds, so of course as soon as the door opens birds fly out.

But wait, what is this disclaimer at the bottom of my screen? "The animals and insects have been added and are not normally part of this experience" there is a great moment where it actually looks like Ben Z is looking down and reading that text...he is not but it sure looks that way.

Basically it is an enhanced interactive horror house experience, which commands them to kiss (TWO). As they find more and more clues they attempt to figure out the way to escape the room, they have 45 minutes before 'gas is emitted.' One of the rooms has snakes I would have to get gassed because Cali J does not do snakes, no way, no how. They get all the clues together and of course the code is R-O-S-E-S and of course they get it done with the clock counting down to 1 second left!

Evening portion of the date; and Ben tells the story of his mom's death and how he regrets not crying at her death, he claims to not have cried in 11 years...I haven't cried in a longer time it does not make you abnormal (I really hope it does not make you abnormal). Ben gets the rose.

I really am amused by the ads during this show, even with a DVR I catch myself stopping for a few the Purina ad that now looks like they have mind control for older dogs built into their dog food, or CH auditioning for the movie Spy!

Group date #2:
The guys go to school and they are going to teach a group of child actors about sex ed, would parents really sign off on this show teaching their kids about reproduction and puberty? How can the guys not see that this has to be rigged? K says "Sex and physical chemistry with somebody is a huge part of a relationship" so why not have your partner talk to little kids about it?

Cut to the house - and the Clint and JJ bromance is blossoming, they sit on the couch holding hands in wrestling moves with JJ's shorts blurred, and they apparently shower together.

Back to the classroom and the guys are stuttering as the kids pepper them with questions - how can the guys not get that these kids are fake? K eventually admits what we all already knew, the kids are child actors.

Night portion:
Ben H gets a kiss and then increases the cheesy factor by dipping K. (THREE)

Cut to the house and Clint is letting us know that he has fallen for JJ more than K (The promos for tonight would have you believe it was a gay relationship) but when Clint says he has fallen in love with a man you can see him fighting the smirk. Yes it is an extremely close relationship for 2 straight men to have, but it is not a close enough relationship for 2 gay men to have, it is just a bromance!

Back to the date and Jared gets a kiss by pointing out that he got beaten up in a boxing ring last week. (FOUR)
Ben H gets the rose, Jared looks like someone just punched him in the head again.

Cocktail party time:
The guys who didn't have dates think they will have a shot at going for K first...Suckers! As soon as she walks in Clint immediately takes her aside, but he is doing this so that he can remain in the house - to spend more time with JJ. Clint gets a kiss (FIVE) but tells us that he did it all for JJ, who he immediately goes and compliments. He and JJ start to compare notes on K while watching her kiss Justin (SIX). "Villains gotta vill" is now Clint's catch phrase.

JJ carries on a running narrative in the confessional about how much he is running the show while we get clips of all the other guys telling K how bad JJ and Clint have been to her. Clint keeps expressing confidence to all the guys while the guys have been telling K that he is a snake...and we are going to be continued.

The blooper reel features everyone commenting on one of Joe's testicles hanging outside of the mawashi all day.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bachelorette review where "you got Knocked the F out"

I came home today from Vegas and I am hurting...
On top of that my cable was down for some reason (yes my bill is paid) thankfully rebooting the box took care of that, but not before I started planning which friend's home I might have to head to so that I could see this terribly stupidly horribly addicting show before my 'friends' spoil it for me tomorrow. I would tell you more about the Vegas weekend but what happens there...

A quick hit; after last week's "This season on" promo there was a tonne of Slut-shaming of Kaitlyn (K) and then shaming of the slut-shamers. Can we slow down on both camps? A. the show always makes the edit on those promos look worse/better than you would expect and B. let's cross that bridge when it comes, can we wait till we actually know what happened before we raise righteous indignation in both camps?

Tonight's show starts with us pretending that K is just getting out of bed, mysteriously she already has makeup on...and seems like she is wearing way too much clothing.

For now all the guys are chummy, toasting each other and sharing secrets. We cut to Britt crying (nothing new) in her hotel room and talking to her mom...I listened to a podcast with Britt and K (I swear I do not seek out Bach material, it was just part of my regular sports podcast network) Britt mentioned that she does cry alot then admitted that she is not a regular shower-er and takes 'bird baths.' - that is nasty. Brady the songwriter who walked off the rose ceremony to go and meet Britt is knocking on her door, Britt is not a good enough actress to act surprised to see him.

It's group date time:
JJ - Former investment Banker: Does that just mean unemployed? Claims none of the guys are a challenge.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT KFC AD? Colonel Sanders is back and looking like he still owns slaves, did they just have a Dixie land band of all white children play the ad off? I am so confused and a bit creeped out.

The group date is a boxing event, we have Laila Ali training K (who is in a sexy gym outfit - like a typical boxer) and the guys.
"we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!" (Photo: ABC)
Kupah is so focused on training he forgets to hang out and flirt with K, to the point that K forgot he was on the date.
We get the slow mo walk and dramatic music for the guys entrances to the main area infront of a crowd of ladies.

The first fight is Ben Z vs Daniel, there is a 30lb weight difference, yet Daniel holds his own fairly well for a man that outmatched. Most of these fights are brawls, there is no sweet science here. Ben Z is mowing through his competition and Jared is the surprise challenger in the final - this is now a 50lb weight difference, the only thing shocking about this fight is that Jared was able to remember his name at the end of the episode, he takes some brutal (if not well thrown) punches and is knocked down, but to his credit not out! The show pretends to be concerned about him - if they had been, there is no way this fight would have happened.

K tells us her biggest fear going into the date was someone getting hurt...but yet they did it! Apparently I was not the only one annoyed/bothered by this, E texted me after the show to announce her displeasure with this hypocrisy. Jared took such a beating that he is not available for the evening portion. K pretends that she is concerned about Jared but instead slobbers over the victor Ben Z. K talks to Ben Z first, to the victor goes the spoils and Ben immediately plays the sympathy card, telling K about his mom passing away when he was 14, I know it was/is sad for him, but that was at least 10 years ago, I am sure the story could have waited a bit!

In the middle of the dates K gets a mysterious note "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you." Turns out it was from Jared who gets some alone time with K and gets in the first kiss of the episode ONE! K for all of our mocking of Farmer Chris last season is very enthusiastic about her kisses.

Cut to the house Clint gets the first one on one date card...JJ remains "completely unfazed."

Ben gets the group date rose, playing the dead-card seems to have worked, I still find it gross.

One on One date:
Clint is the guy who drew the image of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and charmed K on the first night. For their date they are going to do an underwater photo shoot. In order to get 'ready' for the photo shoot the photo conceptualist requires that Clint and K connect spiritually; they combine stretches with staring into each others eyes and hands over hearts.

Back to the house and the healer is telling us that fighting for K in the boxing match was ridiculous, I agree with him, he then goes off on tangents about nature etc and we part ways.

K and Clint take some underwater photos, and then kiss underwater TWO.

Back to the house, the healer is asking one of the other guys for advice on K but accidentally calls her Britt, I think he might be a fan of 'self medicating.'

Clint gets the one on one rose...K says a lot of things which are just precursors to kissing, she goes in for the kill...I still love you K.

E sent me this and asked if it is a nipple on his neck...I cannot unsee it

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)
2nd group date and Amy Schumer shows up to show us that the power of self promotion and money over comes all...this is the type of show she should be skewering not being on, but then again I write about it soooooo yeah! The guys are put on the spot to immediately tell a joke, I feel nothing but empathy for them, (I think I am a pretty funny guy but I hate being told to tell jokes) having to come up with a joke on the spot is difficult.

JJ claims his pick up line is to tell girls that he has a kid and lives with his parents...see above re 'Former.' Amy Schumer schools JJ so bad, but he is too obnoxiously self absorbed to realize that he has been burned.

The guys are actually not bad overall as a group until Tony the healer, who takes the mic and tries to inspire the audience through his words - he left the stage looking like a crime scene. JJ mocks Tony in his set, he is trying hard to be the villain of this season or they could just be editing him this way, after all it would be hard to NOT mock Tony if you followed him to the stage. Every time Tony talks all the guys roll their eyes, JJ just rolls his twice. Tony keeps telling us that he has been training for this (the show? falling in love? drinking?) his whole life. On his one and one he decides to tell K that he really wanted Britt, but tells K that she has impressed him and that she is like a combination lock he does some very creepy motions in the air with his fingers.
the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

JJ wins a kiss on his one on one time by bringing up his daughter THREE. K "thank you for doing that." She really really really loves kissing. JJ "I would put 50 grand on my winning the rose tonight" Just as he says that we see Joe making out with K outside FOUR! JJ wins the rose but...betting money like that is probably why you are a former Investment banker'.

The guys have a gentleman's agreement that the men who didn't have time to go on dates with K would get first crack at her...JJ immediately ignores that and takes K away from the group for alone time despite having a rose that means he is safe. JJ returns to the group pea-cocking and declaring "sorry I am not sorry," to the camera he says "More than anything right now I'm feeling just smugness wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence..." So my question above re whether it was the edit or his desire to look like the bad guy has been answered.

Ian tells K about the car accident that took him out and nearly ended his hope of ever walking much less running again, the personal story of course leads to yup you guessed it FIVE!!!

JJ keeps prodding Tony trying to get him to crack and go home. Kupah says out loud something I thought they might edit out, he notes that he does not just want to be the "minority guy that fills a quota." The JJ strain is getting to him and he starts to question K in a way that is a little too aggressive, questioning her, saying silly things like he does not think there is a connection between them...K responds "To be honest I actually felt a connection up until right now."

I don't want to give JJ too much credit but I do think his needling of Kupah put him in the dumb head space that caused that terrible conversation...BUT, he compounds it, after K tells him that she is going to need some time to think about the conversation they were having he loudly starts to tell the other guys about what happened and stupidly editoralizes it out loud with his impressions, unfortunately for him K is just around the corner and can hear everything he is saying, including his mockery (I should point out, he appears to be drinking heavily at this point) so she tells him he needs to go home immediately no need to wait for a rose ceremony. His exit interview is boisterous and leads us to a "to be continued."

All show they have been teasing a blossoming relationship with Brady and Britt, he asks her to be his girl and she says yes Kiss count SIX (does this one count?).
 The promos for that moment were longer than the actual product shown.
 Oh well, at least Britt continues to do her part to help Cali through our current drought.

Can we stop getting the 'to be continued' bad edits?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Bachelorette 2nd night recap, hey girl, no not you, your friend that was standing beside you!

Before we continue this extravaganza let's take a moment to review last night, we had 2 Bachelorettes, a bunch of dorks and one guy that made me so uncomfortable watching his actions that I was genuinely concerned he was getting close to a date rape.

I tried hard to analyze the guys last night and I came to the conclusion that many of these guys remind me of this 'friend' I have, he makes everyone around him uncomfortable, girls who know him refuse to go home with him even though no one expects him to do anything but there is just an awkward feeling. He is one of those guys that the more you get to know him the more you dislike him. The majority of my friends hate him to the point that they wonder why we still hang out, most of the peeps in my social sphere have requested that I warn them if he will be at a party or bar before they show up...he reminds me of a tonne of the guys on this show. They probably have a few really good friends, but the majority of people in their social sphere probably secretly (or not so secretly) hate their guts and leave parties a lot faster when 'that guy' shows up.

On to the circus:
Last night we left off with Britt being the more confident of the 2, this show loves to try to swerve us so... I have been predicting Kaitlyn (K...yes I am too lazy to type her full name every time) since the announcement at the end of the Bachelor and I will hold fast to that.

Chris walks in to tell Britt in an unnecessarily slow and cruel manner that she is not the Bachelorette, there is no good way to tell someone this but "the majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with um Britt, unfortunately you are not going to be the Bachelorette" THAT IS SOME AWKWARD ASS MESS! This show as I dubbed it last night has truly become the Ratchette. Not only are you booting Britt but you had to make sure she DEFINITELY knows "THEY DO NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU" the harshness of this is foolish and takes the sheen off an already fading rose.

To throw some more salt in the wound and to remind us she was rejected in the grand tradition of this show, Britt has to leave in a limo and do a backseat interview like the typically let go contestants have to. ABC pipes in some slow sedate music with a featured piano to let you know this moment is sad...stuff it producers.

Chris tells K that she is now the Ratchette for this season, they share an awkward hug

and then Chris reminds K that "the job" of the Ratchette is to go and cull the herd so she still has to go through a rose ceremony. I am helping my friend with his business proposal while watching this...I think that I should commit to one or the other, but I just cannot commit full brain potential to this show.

The healer is having a hard time with the cocktail party, he claims he came in with the intention of devoting himself to Kaitlyn then he met Britt and his heart moved to her and now he does not know what to do...let me help - GET A JOB HIPPY.

One idiot tells K that he voted for Britt, she tells him that she is very happy he told her that, I would have taken that secret to my way she can ever marry you now.

 Other idiots are telling/reminding the other guys that they too voted for Britt. Why? This is why women so often call men dumb - these moments.

One guy plays the shy guy role then moves in for the kiss I knew he was faking that routine. KISS COUNT ONE.

K keeps repeating the part of the show that I hate; she now has to wonder how many of the guys are disappointed that she is there. It would be like going to a party and then realizing that they meant to invite your dad who has the exact same name as you...NOT A PERSONAL STORY...I swear...just because my dad and I have the exact same name does not mean this story is PERSONAL...I SWEAR

K in her way while presenting the first impression rose tells Shawn that she is really attracted to him. KISS COUNT TWO. She becomes really giddy...oh just watch the clip, my love for her is gone!

The rose ceremony begins and I am trying to see how fatigued the guys get while this process goes on, I know this thing takes awhile and you can see so many of these guys have the bloodshot eyes with circles that are always a dead giveaway of drinking and late nights (it is a bit harder to tell on about 2-3 guys but I leave you to guess why). The healer gets a rose, guess the spirits told him to stay. As is now becoming a tradition on these shows, someone breaks rank and asks K to talk to him in private.
The guys left behind are wondering if he is trying to talk his way into a rose, but instead he is telling K that he is leaving and going off to find Britt.

Chris tells him that he will help him to find Britt...makes me wonder if there is going to be a side plot to this season with guys going to find Britt wherever she is or any time that K cuts them. Could Britt be running a bootleg side Ratchette only show as the real show continues on TV...This could be a thing people, let's make it happen.

The idiot that told K that he voted for Britt actually got a rose, K you sadden me girl, has this show already infected you? Was it the look?

You can tell the show went on for a bloody long time because as the rejected suitors leave it is bright daylight outside.
The law student stripper got booted - I take great joy in that!

The season on promo shows a lot of aggression and a lot of kissing and Nick V showing up to extend his 15 minutes of fame.

Just like that my crush on her gets crushed completely (I know you see what I did there)

We also get a hint that K may be hooked up before the fantasy suite, nope no may be...they actually show it - K tells us and the guys that she had sex with one of them.

We end with Brady travelling to Britt's door to knock on it and week. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette recap, feminism gets set back and decency gets patted on the fanny

Sometimes my friends tease me about my sexuality and my masculinity, especially on the nights or days I discuss the Bachelor/Bachelorette properties, the jokes do not bother me in the least, I am secure in myself and the teasing often comes from the weak minded who cannot find more inventive ways to mock me. BUT, on nights like this, nights like this I definitely give them fodder. Not only was I tricked by two young ladies into not going to see the Avengers movie, I instead saw PITCH PERFECT 2; on the same night that I loudly declared that I could not wait to see the Bachelorette (Ratchette); on the same day that a young lady was mocking my decision to walk a mile to the store to get a couple new tubs of ice cream so that I would have something good to eat while watching the 'Ratchette' yup, these are the nights I make it easy. But as the young ladies said "At least you redeemed yourself" when I jump started their car without having to look it up on the internet like a MACHO MACHO MACHO MAN!!! Yeah buddy, CaliJ is Back!

Let's get to the Ratchette premiere there will be 2 days of this Ratchet Mess so please, pace yourself, make sure you have enough ice cream and coconut water and most importantly turn your snark detectors up high!
(oh and because I know you are curious, I have 2 scoops each of Caramel praline and Butter Pecan and 1 scoop of french vanilla in a salad bowl...I earned it, I caused electricity to flow)

What does Chris Harrison do during the 'off season' does he just randomly walk into rooms and repeat obvious things to keep his skills sharp? Does he go to kids' parties count the candles on the cake and announce "Ladies and gentlemen there are 5 candles on the cake, this means that little Jimmy will be turning 5 today."

Before we get into the meat of the show: I guess no more than two black guys, if any.
Chris tells us that part of the reason we have 2 women to be treated like meat tonight is because ABC interviewed the men and they could not decide on which woman to have as the main Ratchette.
“How did this happen? Well, when we were interviewing the men who wanted to come on the show, they were truly divided as to which girl they thought they could fall in love with,” Harrison said. “Since the feelings were so strongly split, it seemed unfair to make that decision for the men. Instead, we thought it would be best to have the men meet both women, and then have them decide whether Britt and Kaitlyn should ultimately become the bachelorette.” I wonder if they do this for the Bachelor (I need an insulting term for that for gender equality the Ratchelor does not seem as fun but maybe it will grow on me)...I doubt that seriously, this is sexist and gross (and I am still going to watch it). I would probably take much of this back if they do it when the Ratchelor premiers next season but still there is something mean about having a person rejected once on national TV and then immediately do it to them again by having a group of men/women say "we prefer the other person."

We start with THE BLACK GUY, (light skinned) did ABC hear all the backlash from people looking at the 'cast' line up and figure, lets just show him first, I was with him right up until he said his preference would be Britt! He has a 5 year old son, I now want to know if this will come up alot this season, wait who am I kidding no black guy lasts long into the season.

There is a former law student that is allegedly studying for the bar, I say allegedly because his back story has him working as a stripper (hey we all gotta pay bills) and then obviously appearing on this show. NO ONE STUDYING FOR THE BAR CAN BE ON THIS SHOW...that is a fact, not opinion.

We have a guy that might be black...? I was leaning to just swarthy, but then he ran track, which is of course a stereotype, but its this show, sooooo I just do not know. I feel like a producer saw him and thought 'ambiguous enough race and he runs? This will work.'

Some of these jobs...
Look I hate being an elitist, I do not think I should judge the jobs of others, I live my life by the Mantra "I never judge I ridicule" BUT, Healer is NOT A JOB damn it, that is NOT A JOB.
Here he is with his plants...

I know you are as shocked as I am that it was not weed

The ladies arrive and my crush on Kaitlyn resumes, I still think Britt is an actress looking to use this to jump start her career not her love life.
They are forced to stand side by (not quite) side

 The black guy (yes I know I should learn his name) zeroes in on Britt and apparently Britt is feeling him. Most of the guys are going directly to Britt, it feels foolish to me, I think I would stand in the middle and ask them both to converge on me or ask them if I could flip a coin or do a group hug or something because 'picking one' seems risky especially if the other one becomes the Ratchette. Watching Kaitlyn come close to tears as guy after guy goes to Britt strengthens my belief that this is cruel (I hope I would feel the same if it was all going the other way too).

JJ is listed as 'Former Investment Banker' I am bloody curious as to 'Former' he then tells Kaitlyn while pulling out a Hockey puck and playing on her Canadian status "I would love to puck you."

As more and more guys start going towards Kaitlyn she is loosening up.

The Law Student/Exotic dancer gets out of the limo and starts I am sure you guessed it STRIPPING, I really hate that he has the word Law attached anywhere to him. Kaitlyn immediately lets us know that Britt can have him...not a great strategy dude.

Britt expresses jealousy that some of the guys have brought gifts for Kaitlyn then we immediately cut to a guy handing her a package of tissues because she was the crying girl last season. I agree with Britt, reminding her and the world that she was the crying girl was not very smooth, the guy might not have meant any malice behind it, but it was definitely not smooth. Kaitlyn seeing the package asks "what is that, soap or tissues?" I really hope she is making a reference to the fact that last season we were told that Britt NEVER showers.

Kaitlyn takes a break from the Cattle Call line up and runs inside to say hi to the gathered guys, Britt claims it is disrespectful and that Kaitlyn is not playing by the rules.
(I just had to put my phone on 'Do not disturb' I am getting texts from multiple friends asking me about the show and potentially providing spoilers...I need to reexamine my life)

A guy named Ryan (Who dated Bachelor Juan Pablo's winner Nikki, soak that in ) has gotten sauced - he keeps declaring "I am horned up" I really hope he is not suggesting that he is horny, one would would hope that he was smarter than that...he does not seem like he is.

Another guy pulls up in a hot tub car (completely filled with water 'the Carpool Deville') to which Ryan loudly declared "That car sucks" the ladies are horrified by Ryan's outburst especially since both loved the hot tub car. By the way the guy in the hot tub car is an "Amateur Sex Coach"...yeah

We have gotten to the gimmick vehicle portion of the night, the next guy rolls up in a cupcake bike/car/whatever.

The black guy says out loud while trying to figure out the logistics of the situation with choosing between both ladies "Or maybe... we will have to move to Utah or something like that and have a dual wedding."

Kaitlyn starts with a joke and Britt starts with an emotional appeal...sigh. So many of the guys (the simple ones) are amazed by Britt's 'sincerity'.

Some of the guys are fairly smooth in their approaches in their one on ones, including a guy who pulls out a portrait frame with the portrait hidden and tells Kaitlyn that he drew it while hoping "this person would be on" the show; he tells Kaitlyn "No disrespect" which of course leads her to guess it is going to be Britt, he reveals the portrait and it is of course...Chris Harrison riding a triceratops - well done sir.

As Chris is explaining to the guys that the voting room is now open and the guys can vote the 'Healer' gets up while the trio is still up there and goes to the voting room, he claims the energy coming off of Britt's Box (cue juvenile laughter) lets him know that he has to vote Britt, I claim this man might actually be homeless and crazy.
I hate that I kind of like these boxes

A guy asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos and she points out that Chris S all of last season never once asked her about her tattoos hate to say it girl but he was "just not that into you."

Drunk Ryan "Is this the gay Bachelor?" He is quickly becoming the guy that may lose his job after this show. [If he has a job] The Amateur Sex Coach pulls him aside to ask Ryan why he yelled at him about his car, Ryan does not remember doing it, he then becomes a bit more aggressive but nothing 'good' happens.

A few of the guys had to rescue the girls from Ryan, he gets more than a little handsy, slapping Kaitlyn on the buttocks, holding Britt's head, calling the girls "a couple hos" outside of their presence. He then gets all the way down to his skivvies and enters the pool he then stumbles around the house in his skivvies bumping into things, falling and doing the most sacrilegious thing in the Bach/ house disrespecting throwing a rose.

 When a guy confronts him and asks why his shirt is off (a perfectly reasonable question) Ryan responds with "Why am I not raping you right now?" Seriously that is a response you give to anyone any time?
Kupah (I am going to say he is black) points out that Ryan may have bad motivations to go to the house and become "drunk, or hammer or white boy are not setting yourself up to have a long term stay here."

A security guard comes for Ryan and tells him that Chris Harrison would like to talk to him outside. Chris tells Ryan that he is clearly not here for any of the girls so he has to leave, that seems to sober him up just slightly enough for him to mutter a "sorry" but that is it, his time is done.

Turns out the guy with the tissues was trying to be mean to Britt...not cool dude (and I say this as a person who likes Kaitlyn more).

Chris lets us know the votes are in and a security guy gets some shine time,

ABC News Videos | ABC Entertainment News
 so many of the guys are loudly declaring who they voted for, it seems foolish to me to do such a thing, none of these guys are your friends and when the next day arrives they will snitch to the girl you didn't vote for.
We of course do not find out who the girl is because...we have another night to fill.
In the bloopers we see the amateur sex coach telling Britt about his job, she is cracking up as he continues to explain that he has not worked "with 2 humans" so because he has not yet worked with anyone yet, he is not going to try to teach others...AMATEUR
BUT he did give some great advice - "When you get those anal toys, just make sure they don't get stuck in your bowels."

Bonus -
The Clorox 'bleachable' moment:

Ryan was passed out for part of the evening

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Bachelor picks the women he uhm, he uh, he ugh, he is pretty sure he wants to marry and we learn the Bachelorette is the ugly step child of the franchise.

Black Matt is back for the finale! Tara hates that I call BM, BM but he loves it (I think) and most other peeps definitely love it...There is no racism behind it, it was formulated as a descriptive name at the time when the person I was talking to knew 3 Matts that I knew 2 were white, 2 were tall, all 3 are attorneys only one was Black!

As we always do we are drinking a tonne to get through this show, I an drinking Jamaican Rum Cream and BM an IPA, his might sound like the harder drink, but only one of us scowls every few sips so I think I am winning. By the way, my drink has a tonne more alcohol than BM's...just saying.

We do the terrible move of going to LA for a live studio audience, I ask BM if he would ever be a part of the live audience, ever the pragmatist he says "of course, look at how many women are there...the ratio is definitely in your favor."

Often this is the most boring episode of the season, because at this point all parties involved are too afraid to say anything racy, fun or controversial that might haunt them at the end.

We see Chris walking through a snow covered field with a tonne of flat land with nothing to see but snow...NO WAY DOES THE SAN DIEGO GIRL MOVE THERE FOR EVER. BM insists that we should have asked Becca when we saw her if she won - I mock him because no way does she give up the goods to 2 black guys randomly asking her about the Bachelor.

BM see's Chris' mom and I force him to expound on his initial "wow is that his mom?" he refuses at first but I push and push then volunteer my thought first "You think she looks like a cartoon witch don't you?" He sheepishly agrees. "so becca how do u feel about my son"
I texted our thoughts to E and she makes us cackle (see what I did there?) with "She'll curse the loser". BM "he should have picked the Kardashian girl she was cute" weirdly Tara had just said the same damn thing earlier today...maybe that is why she called him "Impeccably dressed Matt?"

Whitney meets the family first, and she gives a toast"i just want parents again"
 causes the family
more weeping.
 to tear up.
the most weeping.

 Whitney when meeting with the sister's continues her move of being way too eager to show that she is willing to give up her whole career and life for Chris.
 Chris' sisters basically ask the question we have all been asking for 2 weeks if Whitney seems to be all the things Chris wants why is Becca still there? Chris struggles to articulate why he likes Becca...the sisters call him out on it in their confessional.

Whitney sits down with Chris' mom and starts pouring out her heart and BM coldly says "sometimes I think they only want to win". Whitney tells the mom that she desires to call someone else mom since her own mom died years ago...bold move.

Chris meets with his 'boys' to discuss the situation, they meet in a garage, I think it is to look tough!
 Chris' boys also call him out on the Becca issue.

Becca meets the fam:
They ask her about visiting Arlington, Iowa, she plays it off well and makes a joke about spending the weekends at the Post Office...I think there is a grain of pain truth hidden behind the smiles. Becca tells the sisters that she is not in love with Chris yet, but could see it moving there, and that she is not yet ready to move until she is sure - AGAIN CHRIS WHY HER OVER KAITLYN? Stutter out an answer one more time for us. Chris' sister lets something slip - he has been hurt by a Cali girl who refused to move to Iowa before: hmm! Basically the sisters are one step away from saying "She is the worst choice you could ever make" but they are on TV. Chris says that while Becca has not told him she loves him he thinks she will, then says "that is what I am hoping for." Why on earth did he make someone part of his final 2 that he hopes love him?

Becca sits down with Ursula Chris' mom: The mom calls her something special. Then maybe casts a spell?
 Becca repeats that she is not in love with Chris. Chris' mom speaks of his past and BM says "Why does everyone keep talking about what he has been through, did he get his heartbroken or something?" I point out "everyone has had their heart broken, they make it sound like he went through a war." Chris' mom keeps insisting that what Becca is feeling for Chris is love. I think it might be virginal indecision (if she is still a virgin).

Chris walks her out and they kiss and Becca breaks away from him to get in the SUV to "Get in the warmth" yup this is the Sunny San Diego girl that is going to move to Iowa???? Come on son! The Bachelor's strike rate for marriages is already pitifully low, if he were to pick Becca, that would hurt it's already bad stats! 5 of 29 couples have gotten married...

Back to the studio audience and Chris Prime narrating to us his thoughts, I fast forward through it, if I missed something dear reader I apologize, but I would risk good money saying I bet I did not! BM viewing the audience "I don't think you can go if you are a guy" I point out a few men in the audience and suggest "Maybe it is like a Vegas club 3 girls 1 guy to get in?"

Chris goes to meet Becca in her hotel suite she looks tense every time they kiss. Becca asks Chris how he is feeling and Chris the great orator of our time long pauses and then says "I want everything in your heart that you can give me" - this is what happens to us when '50 Shades of Grey' counts as great literature! Becca tells Chris "I cannot give you a timeline of when I want to move [BM interjects "she doesn't want to move"] towards love."

Becca says she doesn't know when she wants it but she wants to have kids, she wants to get married. Chris keeps asking her why she doesn't love him - this is very, very awkward. Chris tells her not to hold back, he wants to know what would stop her from falling in love - she says the uncertainty of what she would do when/if she moved to Arlington. His friend earlier said to him that he might be chasing Becca because he cannot get her, he is probably right. This girl keeps throwing up speed bumps and stop signs and Chris keeps powering through them like he is on a tractor (I could not resist). I feel like we just watched a creepy moment. There was nothing romantic in this whole segment. Chris says in his confessional "tonight the answers I got were not necessarily what I hoped for. But Becca wants me in her future." I think he listened to a different conversation than I did.

Look plenty of girls (okay a few girls, okay a handful, okay a couple) could accuse me of hearing what I wanted to hear when it was time for us to break up, but I really hope I was not as obtuse as Chris was. The studio audience claps, BM "Why the hell are they clapping. It's not a play" We watch and comment on this thing like a sport - because it is!

Final date with Whitney, I bet BM she will jump into Chris' arms, she does not disappoint.

Chris takes her to harvest corn on his farm! Read that last part again, on their final date they harvest corn. They sit in a Combine together and harvest Corn!
"so tell me about all the, um, buttons"
 Would they have to do this for their anniversary? Chris shows her around his acres and acres of property (800 Acres) that's cool to own, but will a girl from a big city be satisfied with it? BM earlier pointed out that if Chris did not pick Whitney he is an idiot...this could be a test of the educational system in Iowa. I zoned out through much of the conversation on this date. Chris goes to Whitney's room and spots a picture of them together that she has framed and she says "I carry it in my suitcase everywhere we go." I am sure most peeps find that cute, I find that weird.

Whitney tells Chris that she is confident because that is why she is there but at the same time "I am so fricking scared" she knows he cannot tell her his final decision, but she is definitely fishing...I applaud your attempt Whit.

Final day:
We get Chris shirtless staring out of the hotel window, the view is of an industrial city, we see Chris in a sweater, back to staring out of the hotel window, Neil Lane cannot appear at the hotel room door fast enough. Neil points out Iowa is very cold...shocking! You know he is pissed that this is where he had to fly to present rings to a Bachelor.

This season must have saved the show so much money, no way is it an expensive shoot in Iowa (I say this not knowing the cost of the constant heaters you would have to have running around me to keep me warm in a snow covered landscape). By comparison most seasons end with trips to exotic locations, not Dubuque, Iowa.

Becca shows up first to the barn, this is a bad sign right? The first girl gets booted! Chris says "I hope I am making the right call, but seeing her I am not sure what I am going to do." He kisses her (of course he does). Chris tells Becca the she is not really ready to be his wife and so he is letting her go...he says it only slightly gentler than I just wrote it, but with all his stuttering pauses he might as well have just said "look girl it's over." Sooo many heavy sighs from Chris, at one point he sighs 4 times in between words (you can see his breath, it must be freezing in that barn). Becca does not seem sad to be going home, girls in week 2 showed more emotion than she is showing on the final day.
"is there somewhere we can stop for a burger"

Whitney arrives to the barn of judgment (Seriously a barn, how much did this cost them? Oh wait, it's already owned by Chris' family!) the show is really pushing this country theme a little too much.

 Whitney kisses him and I want to yell, "Gurl he just kissed the other chick." BM and I agree that they had to have hidden the limo with Becca, because there is no way 2 limos passed on that isolated road and they did not notice each other.
 Chris gets his tear face on and drops to a kneeYES!!!!!!!!!!!!
 and we get the glimpse of the huge rock that Whitney will now permanently affix to her finger. 4-chris-bachelor-winner-engagement-ring-whitney-becca-engagement-ring-picture
Chris has to give her the final rose...just once I would like the girl to take the ring but be funny enough to say no to the final rose.

BM announces that Whit's voice would grate on him after awhile - welcome to the club fella.

After the final Rose:
Chris comes out to thunderous applause, he is as inarticulate as ever. Becca comes out, and she is as calm as she was when she walked off the show. Elizabeth texts me "I think Becca is a robot" she might be right. RIP Leonard Nimoy, if there is ever a female Spock the actress can take her 'Do not show emotion' cues from Becca.

Whitney comes out, tonnes of kissing and heavy sighs and Whitney is breathing and bobbing like she just ran a mile against Roger Bannister (look it up kids). Whitney says moving to Iowa is in the future plans, but there is no hurry there. We see a scene of Chris' parents celebrating with the new couple and Chris' mom immediately talking about grand babies...the struggle is real.

Ashley S is in the audience, Chris Prime asks her again if she is going to go to Bachelor in Paradise, her response "I mean, I suppose, I might be there" - everything about her screams actress to me.

Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance, he mocks Ashley S. claiming that she thinks that she is on the Price is Right currently. He asks the couple if they have been making love constantly, they affirm that they have...not awkward at all. Kimmel claims that he has a surprise for the couple, runs off stage and returns with a cow that he has named Juan Pablo.
"help me"
Time for the Bachelorette announcement: Chris Prime claims that Bachelor nation was split, he polls the audience, Britt or Kaitlyn, the response for Britt is not enthusiastic.

 "We actually decided not to for the first time in history, we are going to have two Bachelorettes." Apparently the 25 guys on the first night will get to choose which of the 2 they think will make the best wife. This feels weird to me, it feels a bit icky to do this to the women - Both arrive on stage in sparkly silver dresses.
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Kaitlyn does not look pleased to be sharing the stage with Britt and then proves it by saying her first reaction to hearing that Britt will be there "well that's not ideal" preach.
Oh Kaitlyn, I feel ya.

Elizabeth texts me and insists that I go back to see Chris say that he wanted to marry a woman like his sister. I am now very mad at E for making me have to watch Chris emote again.

And again the next Bachelorette is Kaitlyn...

and...Britt! The final announcement was displeasing. The optics are bad ABC, even on the female 'controlled' season...the men still choose!!!!!

Okay Elizabeth, this last addition is for you...since E pointed out that it is creepy that Chris wanted someone just like his sisters for his wife:

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.