Can a Jamaican take Cali?

Infrequently updated consistently funny

Sunday, August 02, 2015

Bachelorette finale, after the final rose and I quit checking my posts for grammar because this show has killed my will

Met some friends, had a good time out dancing, watched a crazy girl hit the dance floor in a wrap shirt and a bright purple sports bra, watched the shirt come undone and watched the girl dance only in the sports bra for a few moments...why yes this is a Monday night in San Diego...now on to watch the finale of this ratchet mess I have been following all season.

We start with a studio audience and I issue a mild sigh of relief, this means there will be some filler that I can zip through - every minute saved is precious the fact that DVRs exist is just further proof there is a God (how can anyone question this?).

Kaitlyn's (K) family asks her if she is in love and she says she is in love with both guys. Her family expresses shock that Nick is still there. K's family immediately guessed that things "went too far" with Nick...how close is this family? K's mom Leslie has some thoughts on the Nick situation.

Nick gets to meet the family first: like on Andy's season, he brings gifts.
The family asks him why he is doing this show again, he repeats the line he has rehearsed many a time - that he could not bear K getting married without his getting a chance to meet her. Nick decided to rock the deep V shirt for this meeting, even as an owner of a couple deep Vs I find it inapprops for meeting the fam (every word in that sentence picked on purpose).

K's mom grills Nick, Leslie seems like the type of mom I could kick it with...damn I am now old enough that I think about kicking it with moms. Leslie hearkens back to Andy's season and says that she finds him possessive, Nick says some cocky stuff then seems to squeeze out some fake tears. Nick then seeks the blessing of K's dad Mike, who looks like he may have hit the pipe before this taping...I have never smoked but I could see why someone might want to mellow out before meeting 2 dudes that more likely than not slept with your daughter on a national television show.

I like K's sister Haley, she just seems so happy to be there and why not? I would love someone fly me out to a chill spot to have me meet randoms who want to bang my bro...his girl might hate that though.

Sean gets to meet the family: While K is out meeting him, Leslie says that she is worried that he might be a jealous person...has she seen the dailies? Sean also brings gifts. Sean is shockingly smooth around the family, methinks the man rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. Leslie asks Sean about his thoughts on Nick and the fact that Nick and K got together. Sean handles the Nick question so well that someone somewhere must have told him 'the rage monster act does not make you look good'. He gives the sensible answer - that they were not exclusive then, but off the show they should be. BUT can we talk about the mild weirdness of someone's mom bringing up to her potential son in law the fact that his potential fiance tapped someone else? Haley says she is Team Sean, K snitches on her and brings up the fact that all year Haley was Team Nick. I can't resist thinking that K tapped Nick just to shut her sister up...siblings can be cold like that.

Sean brings Leslie over while he is talking to chill Mike so that he can ask for both of their blessings. I like this non patriarchal move, it is sexist to only ask the father for his blessing - Sean gets it from both.

The Bachelorette's budget is not even close to the Bachelor's: Nick and K are hanging out at Marina del Rey...you know who else used to hang out all the time at Marina del Rey...my broke ass when I lived in LA - Where is the exotic locale trip?

The day/date is rather bland, Nick tells K that he has a gift for her in his bedroom...its just a framed poem and picture because of course that had to be kept in his bedroom and no where else. The picture is from their first one on one date together, which means he had to have gotten it from the show's producers.

Sean's turn and they go to Saddle Rock in Malibu you know who else used to go to okay you get it I LIVED IN LA. Sean and K spend a lot of time talking about how nervous they both are. Sean also has a memento from their time on the show for K. This is so clearly scripted by this point. K expresses fear that she is going to break someone's heart since both guys are in love with her, before I can reach for my remote we see the shocked faces in the audience then zip racing past it all to seeing Neil Lane and his forehead that does not move bringing Sean ring choices.

Nick worries that the knock on his door will be K sending him home and not Neil Lane with rings...he hugs Neil and Neil points out that Nick is still wearing the cheesy ring that he and K picked out on one of their dates.

K shows up and we await the sacrificial lamb - K is struggling to keep it together. Nick arrives first and he looks nervous, I wonder if its because he is playing out the time in his head and can begin to realize that he might be taping too early to be the one! Nick starts to ramble on and recapping the show and telling K how in love he is with her and telling her that he is not ready to let her go or to let them go and he starts to reach for the ring and K stops him (He knew it, he knew it, he could tell based on the timing, I am sure of it...all the words were a desperate attempt to sway her). Again K has to bring up off camera time, it is said so often on this show (they really try so hard not to say sex on this show) that it is not natural. Nick's true nature starts to come out, less of the polished guy and more of the guy who is rough with women once he is not the object of their desire.

K walks Nick out and he can barely look at her (that part I understand, I can barely face the people who break up with me in private, no way could I do it on a nationally televised show). Nick plays with the ring and I wonder if he gets to keep it - I doubt that very much, he puts it back in its box and throws it across the limo (notice he did that carefully) then takes off the promise ring and chucks that too, much less carefully.

Sean is not a good enough actor to act like he does not already realize the situation he looks more confident now than he has on any other time on the show. Sean says he would not change anything that happened on the show - really not even the part of her tapping your enemy? K of course has to stretch it out a bit and pretend that she is not picking Sean.
Sean gives a better proposal than I would expect and gets a quick yes from K.

The after the final rose special is on next but I have to break this up...will watch after a break.

Break over -
After the final rose:
The happy couple joins Obvious Man Chris Harrison on stage; doing the let's hug and giggle a lot new couple thing. OMCH tells us that he thinks it is important that Nick gets some closure so here he comes to the stage, nothing like real life here. Nick comes out to applause, but it is not roaring, I wonder if the audience is unsure whether to hate him or feel sympathy. Nick gives us background about his interaction with K and while I think he thinks he is coming off as a sympathetic figure, to me he just seems like he was scheming from the get go. Nick's family continues to look hyper-concerned.

Nick and Sean have to share an uncomfortably close interaction with each other, Nick even taps Sean on the knee, they are similarly dressed and are sporting similar beards...as a current 'person of the beard' I am now just this minute considering shaving! These guys are even sitting in a mirror image style of each other. Nick and Sean both claim that the show played up their tension more than was actually occurring...shocking.

Nick and K meet and immediately an amber alert blazes across my screen...I think my cable is trying to save me from myself. My CC says that Nick said  "We said I love you to each other toward the end and obviously I took that to heart - what were you thinking when you said that?" that caused K to roll her eyes to such a degree that E texted me about it even while I was out.

Every time they go to a commercial break Nick does an awkward stand up and look around routine, it is not a big thing, but it bugs me.

Sean says the best part of the show being over is that he can now stand up for his girl.

THE BEST PART OF THIS SHOW BEING OVER IS THAT WE CAN GET TO BACHELOR IN PARADISE!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The Bachelorette men tell all...but do we want to listen? OR "Are you gay bro?"

Tonight is the Men tell all show, the episode where we sometimes get the joy of verbal cat fights - we get an extended preview of the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise so much crying, I cannot wait.

First guy to take some heat is Ian, he of the insults and hey did you know he went to Princeton? Ben H is willing to defend Kaitlyn (K) despite being sent home. Ian takes his jacket off and makes a production of kneeling in front of the guys and apologizing. Ian gets some handshakes from a few guys...it was a corny move but this show loves corny.

Clint declares that he is a straight man,
he and JJ have appeared to grow matching beards. Kupah tells us he does not care about the Clint and JJ bromance, he is just pissed about Nick being on the show.

JJ is the first in the 'hot seat' - he claims much of the problem with him was due to misunderstandings with his brand of humour.

Ben Z is on the hot seat - he is as boring here as he was on the show.

Jared you and your bad scruff, come on down - Wah wah, in love, wah wah wah, great girl till CH thanks him for shaving the "spotty beard" and the audience roars.

Ben H to the seat - is he the new bachelor? Will the trend of bland white guys continue? He is careful and parses everything.

K comes out and tells us that people have been been spreading hate to her and her family - even sending death threats.

If you take any show seriously enough to send death threats to someone, you need help, and please in anything in life, do not send death threats. CH reads some of the threats/tweets K has received from 'fans' they are as disgusting as you would expect them to be. I just do not understand the type of mentality that requires spreading that much bile. I can say something sucks, anyone can say something sucks, you could even say K is the worst Bachelorette ever (I do not agree) but to then add whore, slut, etc or wish death or disease on them...you need Jesus.

K talks about bringing on Nick there is a lot of excuses for her 'behavior', but really my problem is less with her and more with the show...they clearly set it up to create the drama, K just has to take the brunt of the blame as the public face. The show really put her in an unwinnable position. So much of the grief she faces could easily just be blamed on the formatting of the season.


Ryan the super drunk guy from night one breaks out a rose and gives it to K as his apology. K makes a few gay jokes at Clint and JJ's expense. Ian gets to apologize to K and tells her "I am humble" hmm I guess Princeton did not teach the meaning of words.

The blooper reel is as entertaining as usual.

Overall a fairly boring show, and I am disappointed that we did not get to hear from the healer. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Bachelorette recap or lets all coitus because we cannot really communicate version 22.89

We return to Shawn in Nick's room finally 'confronting' him. It is a back and forth of stunningly boring fashion.

Time for Ben's One on One:
Kaitlyn (K) tries to sell us on Ben's qualities but she is not a good enough actress. They go horseback riding and both pretend talk to the horses...so natural. They come upon a field with donkeys and these donkeys seem to be ultra pleasant, my grand dad had donkeys and I feared those damn obstinate animals as a kid so I was shocked to see how chill these 2 were then they started chasing Ben and K and...YUP THERE THEY ARE the donkeys we all know and love. Oh there is a tonne of kissing (Kiss count one, but as said earlier by the time you get to this point, everyone gets a kiss).

The evening portion - We find out that Ben had his 26th birthday on the show and then they talk about age alot - K being the 'hot older woman.' Ben gets offered a chance to stay with K in the fantasy suite he gives a weirdly aggressive monologue about wanting to spend more time alone with her. So they of course spend the night together but I miss much of it because the news promo below K is "Coming up...Local man bitten by rattlesnake says he tried to take pic w/ it" - wrong of me to wish he wasn't able to talk? K says she has fallen in love with Ben...but hey not like there are 2 other guys around

Time for Shawn's One on One:
They are going golfing, and K gets Shawn a bright pink polo with bright blue pants outfit she does it apparently to tease him, I wonder if she has not hit any suburban party recently...all the 18-40 year olds are wearing outfits like that 'ironically'. They are both predictably bad at golf. Shawn 'loses' to K so she makes him play Truth or Dare'. He picks dare and K dares him to go streaking so we now have a naked American running across historical greens.

Evening portion - K asks Shawn about the animosity between Nick and Shawn. Shawn takes the tact of aggressively calling Nick out, at this stage why not? K says she wants to continue their discussion off camera so she offers the fantasy suite card. Cut to the morning with Shawn saying see you soon and walking out with nary a backward glance. Nick is waiting for him in the parking lot...strange timing..am I supposed to believe he just knew when Shawn would be leaving? Was he standing there for hours? Is he psychic? Do they all always take the walk of shame at the same time?

Nick says that when Shawn came over to his place the other day he didn't have a chance to say his side of the story, guess he needed a day to formulate his answers. Shawn accuses Nick of being 2 faced and Nick repeatedly asks him if he is threatening him - I think he was really hoping for a way of getting Shawn booted off the show.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up and points out to K that Shawn might be a jealous fellow.
On to the Rose Ceremony:
K gives her monologue then breaks down crying and has to leave. OMCH goes to check on her, his version of offering solace is to whisper obvious things to K including "Tell them what is going on" SEE THIS IS WHY YOU ARE OMCH! Nick gets the first rose and whoa I just noticed K's dress that is some cleve being shown tonight. Oh yeah, Shawn gets the second rose, but come on you knew that. While I think Nick is a dick, I have to acknowledge that he is clearly one of the best ever at playing this 'game'. K walks Ben out, offers him little comfort and we are left with Shawn and Nick standing alone draining their champagnes in a large room not talking nor looking at each other.

Nick meets up with K to give her the 'Aw shucks' I am falling in love with you speech. K getting dumber by the episode says that it was so reassuring to her and let her know that they are on the right path, they of course Kiss.

Cut to Nick's family all sitting around in a large circle looking apprehensive (This show loves large circles and big couches) Nick's mom is crying and this causes the little girl in the room to cry (Nick's sister Bella).

Hmm the Bachelor/ette is casting in HI soon, so I immediately pick up my phone and tell my old law school roomie to please please go, I will pay his costs...he wont get on though...he is Asian.

Nick and K tell his family that it is down to 2 guys the family acts a bit surprised.
Nick's sisters take K aside to ask her questions. Bella asks "how is Vancouver...do you love my brother?" Man they would have teased this girl mercilessly at my prep school and high school (I think now we would call it bullying) thankfully we are past those years.

These families have to be so coached or have planned in advance to not really "discuss this on camera" the conversations are so stilted and not at all in accord with what a parent would demand of their kid to explain to them whey they want to marry this person that they just met.

Time for Shawn's family: Shawn tells K she is meeting his sisters and to be prepared but K says "Sisters are my Jam...I have 6 step sisters and one real sister" (those step sisters are going to love that). Shawn's mom wasn't able to make it and now I really really want to know why. Usual family questions to K and then Shawn's dad takes him aside to point out "What the hell is going on? This is nuts" yes sir it is. As above with Nick's family none of the answers would truly have placated a concerned family. Anyway the answers seem to satisfy all involved. Shawn tells K he is in love with her - Kisses (100 % episode)

Boring finish, let's hope the tell all has fireworks.


Saturday, July 11, 2015

Bachelorette review or let's all jump into bed.

So yesterday I watched the US beat Japan to a pulp in the Women's World Cup final, and while watching I was dreading what I would see on twitter and other internet portals; I expected to see things along the lines of "The US has not dropped this many bombs on Japan since 1945" or "the US hasn't damaged a treasured Japanese icon like this since Godzilla" but really I realized that was just me anticipating horrors that might not necessarily occur and giving in to my darker side...this is what I hope is about to happen with the Bachelorette, the previews have made it seem like this will be the episode that Kaitlyn (K) confesses to sleeping with Nick, and I am already dreading A the reaction of the guys on the show and B. the internet's reaction complete with slut shaming...but here is hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised.

We start with K walking around and the guys all sitting in a circle and Jared's stubble still having a hard time staying together...his beard is so patchy I wonder if beard mange is a thing.

Ben gets the one on one date:
They go rowing on a lake, to Innisfallen Island and play hide and seek which leads to a kiss (ONE - come on kiss count lets get a 100%).

To the evening portion and Ben decides he has to tell K his biggest fear "that I am unlovable" try to remember that this guy is only 26.

K brings up the possibility of the Fantasy Suite and Ben tells her he cannot wait to just talk all night in there, which makes K realize that he might still have his V-Card - she bluntly asks him. He stammers so we cut back to all the guys with a group date card arriving. Back to Ben trying to assure K that he is not a virgin.


Group Date:
Shawn steals her away first, and K immediately brings up to him that their conversation at the last cocktail party was the last time they had hung out and not kissed so of course they immediately make up for lost time (TWO).

 K says she is tempted to tell him now about the Nick Dick!

Nick interrupts them and they dance around the coitus issue and kiss (THREE).

K asks Joe if he is ready to be engaged he says yes, he tells her he is in love with her they kiss (FOUR - the dream is alive and strong). I think this is a kiss of death, cut to commercial and we come back to K (being "brutally honest") telling Joe that even though he tells her he is in love with her, she cannot reciprocate those feelings. Joe puts his shields up and tries to be cold towards her. I love that K is willing to kiss the guys then cut them, she really helps my kiss count. The goodbye becomes really cold as Joe asks K "what should I do now?" and she responds with "do whatever you want to". K appears shocked that Joe would be cold towards her after she breaks up with him!

I loved K coming into this, and still like her as a Bachelorette but sometimes I wonder if the burden of the show has addled her brain.

K returns to Shawn and Nick and tells them that she does not feel like she should give out the group date rose now, so she tells Nick that she will see him at the rose ceremony and tells Shawn that she wants to spend some more time with him tonight. Shawn smirks and rubs a little salt into Nick "well I wasn't expecting that."

K again tells us that she feels nervous and sick about the upcoming conversation she has to have with Shawn, this feels producer driven - why would she feel the urge to tell anyone what happened with her and Nick? That is absolutely not how someone who dates around does it, if you are dating a girl who is dating a dozen other guys you might assume sex happens but would you actually ask her when you are not exclusive?

K and Shawn are holding hands and drinking and K tells him that she just wants to be honest with him...she couches the confession with "I just think it went too far...it is hard for me to admit it, but we had sex."

Shawn greets the news with stunned silence and looking away from K, his first words "Do you regret it?" What the hell man? Do you think she secretly killed a man, committed fraud? Then he finally asks a question that I agree with "I am trying to figure out, why you are telling me this right now?" K - "I just thought it was the right thing to do." Shawn takes a moment to go to the bathroom "to regroup."

Back to the hotel, with Nick telling Jared and Ben H that he is incredibly nervous, they look at him with the "brah we are your enemies" look.

Shawn comes back and is actually handling this so much better than I expected, "at the end of the day I am here for you and you are the only thing that I want out of this" he says he will "man up and move past it." I have to wonder if a producer quietly got to him and told him, "Don't be an idiot YOU ARE ON A DATING SHOW."

Cocktail Party:
Nick keeps complaining that he has had less time than all the other guys with K, remember this is the guy who had sex with her! The guys were hoping for time with K but Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to tell them that K is not going to need time with them because her mind has already been made up, so straight to the rose ceremony. If Jared gets cut, the kiss count loses...hold on son, hold on!

K tries to give the first rose to Shawn, but he instead of accepting it tells her he needs to talk to her - feels very staged and convenient. K tells Shawn that it was a mistake for her to tell him early on that he was the one and that the plan for dating around and forming relationships here is because hopefully after this ends she would never form another relationship with anyone else, K asks Shawn if he will trust her at the end of the process, his answer is not very positive - But Shawn and K come back in to the ceremony and he accepts the rose.

Ben gets the 2nd rose and OMCH shows up to let us know that there is only one rose left...it goes to Nick so Jared and his bad stubble have to go and so dies this week's kiss count. But the whiny drama count is definitely going to go back up with both Shawn and Nick remaining. Jared spends his time leaving K by assuring her that it will be okay and that he hopes she finds the right man for her, very classy of him, but I hate when the Bach/ette makes the person that they are kicking out have to do all the emotional work of keeping both peeps reassured - you are the one with the power, do not force them to 'be strong'.


Nick one on one:
They go exploring and of course they have to enter a church...
In the evening portion they meet at a former jail - and Nick tells us about the first time he touched 'privates'

Nick starts to snitch on Shawn but tries to pretend that he wasn't going to throw him under the bus. K and Nick has what for them counts as a tiff - but she of course offers him the Fantasy suite date and he of course accepts it. K pretends that they are going to stay in one of the cells as the fantasy suite...Nick because all he wants to do is bang her happily accepts it then finds out that it was a joke. He comes close to saying "in here, outside I just want to --- (insert his real thoughts) ---- hang out with you."


So to put it bluntly, they bang one out and sit around the next morning like an old married couple with K in a robe and Nick with his shirt off.

Cut to Shawn pacing in his room and then asking the front desk for Nick's room number. He goes to Nick's room to confront him and finally lays into Nick saying that he does not think Nick is there for the right reasons. He calls Nick arrogant, cocky and an asshole (or the perfect candidate for this show). The show fades out with the usual 'To be continued'

Oh look its Brady and Britt trying to do a long distance relationship,
Britt even when alone with just Brady sounds like she is giving an interview.


Monday, July 06, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, let us lead you to the edge of this cliff, but please do not jump

Tonight I am watching and my guest Michelle is watching it with me though I feel like she is more watching to mock me...I should not really watch a show that makes me embarrassed to have other people see it.

We return to Shawn 'freaking' Kaitlyn out by staring at her longingly but not telling her anything with human words. They kiss which immediately kicks our kiss count into gear (ONE).


The morning portion shows Shawn sitting on steps looking contemplatively into the distance and Tanner and Nick gossiping about him in the distance...they laugh about his crying over K.

The 2 on one date is JJ and Joe and Michelle questioning me about watching this show!

Joe tells K that he is falling for her and that he does not usually fall this quickly - they kiss (TWO).


JJ tells K that he lost much in his life, his wife, his kid "everything" because he cheated on his wife - they kiss (THREE).

K tells JJ that she does not see a future with him and she wants him to go home to his beautiful daughter. But wait, there is a twist, Joe does not actually get the rose, K tells him that she needs more time to get to know him, so they continue the date, sailing off into the distance. Cut back to Shawn  (aka Ryan Schnozling) moping around lamenting that K is going on dates with other guys on the dating show he signed up for. K smooches Joe a bit more and he scores the rose.

Joe returns to the room and the guys ask him about the date, he tell them that he might be falling in love with K and this causes the Schnoz to get up and walk out of the room. He feels compelled to head to K's room to talk to her - K is in a confessional telling us that she is feeling exhausted in every way possible. A producer whispers to her that Shawn is on his way up to her room and K looks exasperated and rolls her eyes but it turns out she is more worried than annoyed.

She remains afraid that Shawn knows about her and Nick's coitus and is coming to confront her about it he takes for ever to tell her that when K told him off camera that "you are the one" he took it to mean the competition was over. K comes to realize that his brand of crazy might be too much for her. She hints that she is getting tired of having to reassure the Schnoz repeatedly.

Lo and behold we have a Rose Ceremony:
At the cocktail party K mentions that she is very nervous and that she has been making mistakes, this leaves the guys without roses so far jittery. Many of the guys are trying to figure out if they did anything to set K off kilter, the Schnoz is confident that it was because of his talk. Ben Z steals K away off first and gets a kiss (FOUR), I am starting to think we might get the perfect score of a 100% kiss rate tonight.
Ben H is next, come on son, screw the crap conversation and go for the kiss...HE DOES IMMEDIATELY (FIVE)...the dream is still alive. Ben H should have stuck to the kissing because he immediately starts snitching on himself and the Schnoz. Ben tells K that he knows she gave the Schnoz some type of reassurance. This leads to K crying and saying that she is sorry she ever did it.

Cut back to the guys all looking nervous and Nick the Dick still talking out loud about having a rose and feeling safe yet feigning nervousness. He points out to the others that he has spent the most time with her that week. In his alone time with her he tells K that he is really nervous and we already know K is too, come on this is not the type of convo someone with a kiss count wants to hear. K tells Nick that she had a great time with him but she is concerned that he would talk about the coitus to the other guys.

Nick tells K that he has not told any one about the intimate details of their date...but he sure does hint it! As K starts to get serious with him, he leans in and begs her for a kiss (SIX). His strategy seems to work since K claims that he was "so sincere" tonight.

The Schnoz sits down with K and gets maudlin, K tells him that she needs to take a step back from reassuring him constantly, I take the time to draw a map for Michelle to find her way to department stores.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to 'counsel' K about her rose ceremony...he gives her no advice.
3 roses are on the table and Shawn's heart is on the floor. The kiss streak is in jeopardy, we did not see any alone time with Chris (the cupcake-car dentist) or Tanner. Chris however gets a rose so the potential remains in him for the rose. The streak is dead, maybe next week we will get the 100% kiss rate - Shawn gets the final rose, so Tanner has to go, along with Ben Z.

The gang is all off to Killarney most on a big bus, Jared gets to ride in a mini with K as part of their date. Turns out that K might not be the best driver in the world...In the bus the Schnoz is snoring up a storm, while K and Jared go off to see the Blarney Stone and to kiss it for luck (SIX.5 - hey the stone got more than Tanner). Jared gets to go back to K's room with her and make out in her bed (SEVEN).
image

Chris' cheeses it up by telling us that Killarney looks like his soul.

OMCH shows up at K's room to fulfill his contractual obligation to pretend that he cares about K's decision making processes. He throws a curve ball, this time unlike other seasons (because why keep the show consistent) K will cut the group down to 3 rather than 4 men - they will then go on the fantasy suite dates and then only 2 will have home town dates. OMCH sells it as a fairness issue, "that way everyone will have off-camera time" with K, I just think the budget has been slashed and the show does not want to spend the money to go to multiple home towns. Or they really just want her to sleep with as many guys as possible...


Chris gets the one on one date:
The promo of Bachelor in Paradise has Claire 'talking' to a raccoon, I cannot wait for how ratchet that show is going to be!
The helicopter budget takes off (yup I did it) and they go for a helicopter tour. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. They spread a picnic at the edge of a cliff and Chris gets a kiss (EIGHT, bloody Tanner, you would have made it 100%) there is not enough time left in this show for anything but the dreaded 'to be continued'.


K begins to cry and telling Chris that even though he has positive check marks in many respects she does not want to lead him on. She says "it feels like there is something wrong with me, because you are everything I want in somebody...but I just don't feel like I fully see it, and I don't know why." She tells him she has to let him go, K's kisses are quickly becoming kisses of death. She walks off to go and cry and I immediately think, she is going to fly off without him and she does! This show is so quickly turning her into a villain.

Chris says that he does not think K is ready to find someone yet (okay so maybe Ian had some legit points when he insulted her, but he was still a dick in the way he did it.) We see Chris near the edge of a cliff bawling his eyes out, while a producer watches him warily and even takes a step towards him when it seems like he might take a walk over the edge...a small female producer, if she had tried to stop him they would both have gone over the edge.

The blooper reel has K teaching Jared how to drive stick, he is not terrible for his first time...

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Bachelorette recap or, the worst thing to ever happen at the Alamo?

We pick up where we left off with Ian finding multiple ways to call Kaitlyn (K) a 'ho' and 'beneath him'. Ian decides to tell us that "what I am is pretty deep." He continues to tell K that she is superficial while I stare at the balding top of his head. K tells Ian that "I am super offended by you" and he continues to chip away at her. Ian claims that he is not trying to offend K...come on son you allegedly went to an Ivy league, you have to know that you are offending a woman. I think Ian was/is hoping that by 'dissing' K he would come across as 'the man' someone who parties (because let's be honest so many of the peeps on this show are hoping to be offered hosting gigs) and speaking engagements will remember and hire.

If you did not know Ian went to Princeton, he repeats it constantly, this is the worst recruiting material for the school (*not like the school needs help recruiting but there is the impression that it produces elitist douches). In the going away interview Ian again states that he would make an awesome Bachelor (he is wrong) and that girls would come out of the woodwork for him - I suspect those girls would all be subsequently dissed by him.

The guys all sit around wondering how K is feeling, Nick is the only one smart enough to check up on her. While I might think Nick is slimy and not in this 'for the right reasons' (couldn't resist) he from his first season and again on this one, plays 'the game' very well. Finally poor man's Ryan Gosling decides that another guy should go check in on K and he happens upon K and Nick loudly kissing (kiss count ONE).

K in a confessional tells us that intimacy is an important part of any relationship and she is not ashamed of that, I appreciate and applaud that. I keep a kiss count each episode not because I am 'slut shaming' (note I started it during a Bachelor season) but because I think it is funny just how many people get kissed and I am still waiting for that magical episode where everyone gets kissed, prior to the final 4 episode where that is easier to bat a 1000.

Obvious Man Chris Harrison from the GREAT state of Texas lets us know that it is an incredibly difficult time for K and lets us know that we are at the Alamo, followed by the group standing in front of...come on I know you guessed it - THE ALAMO.

Chris the dentist is wearing a jacket that he took from the 'Death to Smoochy' collection and the show uses him to do all the bad puns and analogies, 'the show is like the wild west' to get a rose 'I would pull my own tooth'.
Tanner gets the final rose and the moment was spoiled for me by E who texted me earlier to ask "Have you ever known anyone named Tanner that wasn't on the Bachelor/ette?" once it came down to the final 3 it became obvious who was staying...yes E I am calling you out ;) And the answer to her question is No!

While Joshua is fighting tears in his exit interview (with his terrible hair cut that K butchered) he has the bad moment of hearing the remaining guys cheering for the announcement that the group is going to Ireland.

We zoom across to Ireland and just to make sure you know we get Irish jigs and a tonne of B roll, K tells us that coming to Ireland has always been on her bucket list; coming off of San Antonio being on her bucket list I really want to see just how long that list is, it must come with an index.

Nick gets the one on one date and says it is the luck of the Irish! Shawn looks like he wants to murder him and he didn't even have to sit through that corny line like we had to. We get to see more of K's fear of birds, pity she seems immune to jackasses. Like every country visit these groups go on, on every season, they just 'randomly' happen to come upon people performing in the streets...and just happen to be of all the peeps in the crowd, invited to join! Nick buys them both rings and K seems to think it counts as marriage.

The evening portion of the date is about to occur, but first lets check back in the guys awkwardly sitting around waiting for the date card; Ben H reads it and I weep for the American education system. Half way through this show, we are still on the first date with three dates to go, no way does this show end without the over used 'to be continued'.
On the date K and Nick have a bunch of inane chatter that is apparently sexy? K reaches for the rose that we knew was coming from the moment he got the date but the voice over lets us know that "Nick just makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman." K invites Nick back to her room - she claims that with Nick she "forget there are cameras...there are people involved with this." Yet, when Nick lifts her up for a kiss she murmurs "cameras are still going." By the way, this all started in a Catholic church...the desecration of church grounds week after week continues!

Nick and K are in the hotel suite, and K tells us that she does not want the night to end...we get to see Nick's hand slightly up her skirt. K takes him into the bedroom and we continue to hear the loud kisses while we cut back to Jared and Shawn lamenting that Nick is even on the show. We are presented with a locked bedroom door and windows but mics that are still on so we get to know that Nick wants "to know every part of" K. My closed captioning helpfully tells me that 'Sheets [are] rustling' and 'Kaitlyn moaning' 'Heavy Breathing' 'Kissing continues' if you are not watching this show with closed caption on you are missing half this show's comedy factor - thank me later.

We come back from commercial and I kid you not this CHEESY ASS show starts the segment with video of BIRDS and then...BEES! We see K on the balcony looking perturbed while Nick takes the walk of shame (Stride of Pride). K asks the cameras "Has this ever happened before?...I do not want this to be an issue...I'm trying to think if...Chris and Britt did have sex, what I would have done." She says she is not sorry about the act, no need to be, she is just worried about the consequences. Nick joins the other guys and cannot stop goofy smiling. He is blatantly trying to tell Joshua that he had sex with K. The other guys come in so Nick repeats it to the other guys and says "yeah it was intimate, it was really personal..." This is all why we see K on the balcony still stressing that Nick will tell the other guys what happened - did she not see Nick telling the world that he had sex with Andi?

Group date:
OMCH tells the boys that K is dead, he is a terrible actor, the group date is to pretend that they are at an Irish wake. K is also a terrible actress at pretending to be dead. So we had Irish jigs in the street, a dinner date in a Catholic church and now a mock Irish wake if the group starts a drunken brawl I will say this show has hit all the stereotypes. The guys give mock toasts to K Chris the Cupcake decides to sing...shocking. Ben Z clears the room for his toast and then K reminds us that Ben Z's mom passed away when he was young and she does her usual move of after causing pain saying "I didn't mean for this to be hard on anyone, I just wanted to keep this lighthearted." Like Jared he kisses her on the forehead (I do not count those in the kiss counts...if your gam gam can do it to you, I cannot count it). Oh look its a preview of Britt showing her guy Brady to her mom.

Evening portion;
They visit a Guinness facility - the guys are starting to do the math and realizing how important that rose is for getting towards the end. Jared in his one on one time is clearly looking around to see if the other guys are looking before leaning in for his kiss (TWO). Shawn shows K pictures of his family that earns him a kiss (THREE). Jared wins the rose, like Shawn I have no idea why. Jared gets more alone time with K and The Cranberries give them a private show...I feel bad for them...The Cranberries that is.

Shawn has gone missing from the group and we find him talking to someone from the crew he tells him that K has told him "you're it" and lets us know that he and K spent time talking for 6-7 hours in his bed. Apparently his parents went through a terrible divorce and thus he is not exactly built for a show like this. We see Shawn heading back to the hotel and going to K's room, she immediately starts stressing out that Shawn knows about what happened with Nick...so we get a lot of crying in the confessional and yup you guessed it "TO BE CONTINUED."
It looks like next week instead of a Kiss count we are going to have to have a Cry Count!

Back to Britt, Brady and her mom. Britt's mom tells her that she thinks Brady is sweet "and a great new friend" Britt is worried that her mom using the word 'friend' means that Brady is just in the friend zone. Which is of course something she tells the camera rather than just asking her mom!

Monday, June 22, 2015

A quick word on a fake controversy before I then write my usual superficial Monday blog

Before firing up my DVR I watched 5 minutes of Fox News...wow they blasted the president for the N word and then moved on to accusing the AP of trying to get Ted Cruz killed because of this photo


I am not here to ever talk politics...but shouldn't we also consider the fact that the reason that picture was able to be framed was because he was at an event and location that was pro gun? It was a "Celebrate the 2nd Amendment" event! Oh the irony! The same event where Mr. Cruz said this "“You know, the great thing about the state of Iowa is I’m pretty sure you all define gun control the same way we do in Texas,” Cruz said, according to the Huffington Post. “Hitting what you aim at.”" (https://www.yahoo.com/politics/ap-photo-of-gun-pointing-at-ted-cruzs-head-stirs-122164890756.html) Can we sometimes just spare the fake outrage?


Sunday, June 21, 2015

Bachelorette recap or did you really graduate from Princeton?

R.I.P. Dusty Rhodes this is truly 'Hard Times' "My belly is just a little big, my hiney is just a little big, but brother I'm BAD!" Yessir.

On to the ratchet! We restart with Nick entering the elevator to go to the suite with the rest of the guys. He walks into the room with a grin and faces all the guys who were clearly staged on one side of the room since Nick gets to sit on a completely empty huge couch.

One of the guys asks the question we all want to know "are you just chasing your 16th minute of fame." The hostility towards Nick is palpable.
Even after all of this...there is going to be a cocktail party and it is going to be at Citi Field (cool location) but the thing that I notice most is - Nick has a suit, last week you will remember my pointedly noting Nick's luggage or lack thereof: where did he get the Suit? It was not in his bag! So much fakeness! Citi Field has not been the sight of many victories so I guess it makes sense to have a bunch of losers there!

Many of the guys struggle around Kaitlyn (K) to not say the wrong thing when it comes to calling her out about bringing Nick back. Shawn basically calls her stupid.


The rose ceremony is held on the infield with K standing on the pitchers mound, very few home runs here (yes I am trying to make bad puns, it is the nature of this show). Many of the guys appear to be shaking but I do not think its solely nervousness I think they are actually freezing, K is bundled up but many of these guys are simply in jackets and dress shirts. Obvious Man Chris Harrison shows up to let us know one rose is left and he is clearly freezing he could not leave that mound fast enough and starts putting his hands back in his pocket before he even walks off. Nick gets the final rose and many of the guys look ready to punch him directly in the face.


K tells the guys that they are getting out of the cold and going "to somewhere that I have always wanted to go, San Antonio Texas." Look I went to school in Texas, I LOVE TEXAS, but come on, no way the Canadian girl had it on her bucket list.

Ben H gets the One on One date:
They drive off in a retro truck - And go to take a Two Step lesson at Texas' oldest dance hall, ah I miss Texas. Ben apparently has 2 left feet. They then join a 2 step competition. And we get a lot of 2 step competitors (and maybe the world's oldest 2 stepper) telling us some trite phrases about dancing and love. K and Ben of course get smoked but he still gets the episode's first kiss (ONE). The evening portion of this date was so boring I fell into reading Dusty Rhodes tributes, he would never have made it on to a show like this because of his look, but damn he would have been fun as a member of this type of cast.

Group Date:
There is a mariachi band right off the bat so of course we know the guys are going to be playing Mariachi - Cultural appropriation continues! The guys have to write Mariachi lyrics and are being coached by a pre-teen. Ian is very cocky and acts as if he has this in the bag. The guys are dressed as mariachis and will be preforming infront of a gathered crowd. JJ can play the guitar, however he cannot sing. Jared references the Frito Bandito (SIGH - see cultural appropriation). Joe is terribly off key but steals a kiss (TWO). Ian comes across as bad as those American idol singers who at the start of auditions tells you they are going to kill it, that all their friends think they are the best they have ever heard and then squeak out a terrible rendition of a popular song.

 Nick instead of performing in the plaza takes K up to a balcony and thus all the guys had to look up to him (literally) and this did not help his standing in the group, he steals a kiss before returning K to the group. (THREE).
Evening portion:
Joshua allows K to cut his hair as an exercise in trust, that explains why his hair cut seemed so bad in the interviews and the previews - all the guys laugh at him when he returns to the group and he didn't even get a kiss. On Nick's one and one date with K, he spends much of the time kissing her while the guys in the room talk about him. Nick pulls his lips off K long enough for her to question him about his feelings regarding the other guys, he plays coy. Joshua launches into Nick as soon as he gets back, I agree with JJ (hate those words) that the hair cut is part of what has pushed Joshua to the edge. Nick claims that he is happy that he did not win his season, he has rehearsed his statement well.

Josh goes back to meet with K, and I then realize they are filming in a church. WHY Bach/ette productions must you constantly desecrate 'holy' grounds? Methinks these grounds are rented out to the show with the owners of the churches/monasteries etc having either A. no idea what the show is about B. or no belief that the show would ever actually film anything but establishing shots in these areas. I just cannot imagine my dad ever allowing this to happen in our church, in fact I would see him storming onto the set like Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple.

Josh tells K that Nick is constantly talking about his season with Andi "his absolute love for Andi." I guess Josh was telling the truth when he said he didn't watch previous seasons, it is rarely a good move to snitch to the person giving out the roses. Josh suddenly realizes midway that he probably should not have told any of this to K and the color is draining from his face. When Josh goes back to the guys he pretends that he was in an interview for the whole time he was missing, not realizing that the guys all know he was with K. He is shortly followed by K who asks him in front of all the guys if they are all being honest with her, they say they are, Joshua then stammers in front of her and looks to the other guys for back up; they smartly do not. The guys then turn it around on him and point out to him that he lied to them about being in an interview. Granted, K sold him out especially the way she posed the question to the group and to Joshua (no one wants to be called a liar) but Joshua, you had to know you were setting yourself up for failure - the whole plan backfired on him and Nick ends up getting the group rose, leaving him with a very smug smile.

One on One:
Shawn meets K and gets an immediate kiss (FOUR) and they go kayaking, fairly boring date. But he shares some drama that happened to him, he was in a bad car accident. If I were ever on this show I would have so many stories like this, I basically have my narrative already laid out...the kid who should have died 3 times! Shawn tells her he is falling in love with her and K whispers "I'm feeling the same way" uhmm this seems way too soon. Shawn's nickname on Grantland is Ryan Schnozling because he looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose - I think that is what is pulling K in, she probably watched 'The Notebook' a dozen times.


We cut back to Ian who is morose in the hotel room because he is the "Princeton graduate, former model, who defied death a couple times" he tells Nick that he thinks he would be a great bachelor, weird to tell your competition that you have no interest in the girl you are competing for.

He says he is going to tell K all of this at the next rose ceremony, but looking at my DVR clock I am not hopeful that we will get through this without a "to be continued." I heard a theory that because guys keep leaving the show at a pace the producers did not like they have had to stretch the show out a bit more than normal.

Cocktail Party:
Ian "Kaitlyn wants to hear the truth, but I don't think Kaitlyn can handle the truth, she is not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend." Jared gets time with K and she takes him to her room he gets a kiss (FIVE). Ian "against all of my logic, K does not want someone like me, and it is making me look bad...if one of these lames is better than me, then just pick one of these lames." No Ian, K not picking you is not what is making you look bad.

The guys then get to see K kissing Joe (SIX) with Ian telling us in a voice over "I don't find K interesting, she seems to be here to just make out with a lot of people" he then tells us that he has sex with a lot of people, way to boast buddy - You are a credit to Princeton! Ian gets his time with K and goes in on her, he tells her that he questions her intentions and of course we get the "to be continued"


So riddle me this Ian, you are on national TV boasting that you have sex with a lot of women (classy) but a girl kissing a bunch of suitors is bad? Apparently Princeton may give you a great education on paper but like the old phrase says "Common sense is not common." And someone somewhere should have taught you this simple lesson, do not be a condescending misogynistic dick! 

Friday, June 12, 2015

Bachelorette recap or Seriously we are going to pretend that this is not a set up with this other guy just showing up!

Soooo tonight I cooked a meal for a bunch of wonderful ladies, drank a tonne of wine and then painted a tree with cherry blossoms onto a canvas, to top off that macho display, I then ordered tickets to a musical and I am now settling in to watch the Ratchette, to put it mildly screw your hetero-norm stereotypes and...wow I am full. 

We return to the cocktail party with Kaitlyn (K) going to confront Clint, she is walking with a huge glass of wine and does not look 100% sober, as they sit down she has the 'drunk person long stare', that look where the person is trying so hard to focus that they have to look through the back of your head to focus. K tells Clint that they keep taking steps backwards. Clint then tells K that none of the guys would say a bad word about him...bold move. K tells Clint that she does not trust him and that she is done with him. She brings Clint back in to say goodbye to the guys; JJ demands an apology from Clint "I think you should say sorry to all of us right now - because you are taking time and emotions...there is an emotional energy that you are taking away." The Bromance takes a hit, with Clint calling JJ "a piece of [bleep]" Clint is having the reaction of a man who just got broken up with...but it is not re K (Just saying). 

JJ is unable to complete his confessional because he begins crying too hard. The other guys are making joke after joke about JJ and Clint's break up (of course a Brokeback Mountain joke was made [it was funny even if it made me cringe]) and Ian tells JJ he is despicable. 

There is supposed to be a rose ceremony, but as Obvious Man Chris Harrison (OMCH) shows up to let them know that this time is supposed to be rose ceremony time K pulls him aside to talk. JJ starts crying when K says there is no rose ceremony so everyone gets to stay, the room however acts as if a skunk just popped up. OMCH lets the room know they are all leaving the mansion forever (guess the short term rental is done) and heading to NYC. 

We get the B-roll footage of the guys walking around New York and yelling the city's name, plus an in show ad for the newly reopened Knickerbocker hotel. K is shown on a boat and a forced pun "hopefully this week is just smooth sailing." 

Group Date
The guys get to meet Doug E Fresh (everyone has to make money) which means there will be terrible rapping by the guys - no shots at Doug E. but he is not going to turn these guys into solid gold in the course of an episode. The guys are going to do a rap battle. 
Doug E tells the guys basic info that would go with any performance, I know I am going to cringe when these guys perform. As the crowd for the battle is shown we see Nick (he of the "Why did you have sex with me Andi?" fame) hanging out...sure just a coincidence. The battles are as terrible as you would expect,
 JJ gets booed because he called NYC girls 'Hoes', know your audience homie. Ashley from Chris' season is also in the audience and when going to see her K spots Nick and reacts like a girl with a crush. 

Nick tells K that he wants to join her season, seriously these guys do not work at all do they? No one with a regular job could just casually choose to join a show or not join a show like this. You cannot just call your boss and say "hey I might be gone for 2 months or I might be back on Monday, I will let you know soon." K now has to make a decision re Nick, she appears to struggle with it. She tells the guys during the evening portion of the date that she wants to bring Nick into the house and wants their input
...like a bunch of guys who are worried about pissing off the girl they are trying to woo are truly going to tell her their feelings? Some might, but the majority are going to bite their tongues. 

The guys understandably are not happy, to me K is coming off badly here, (though in real life if you are dating around you can choose whomever you want in your world) because Nick just seemed like such a tool after Andi's season. K goes to meet Nick on the dock and they kiss (Kiss count ONE) seems rather sudden and makes methink their online conversations were alot more flirty than just "hey you seem cool." 
K tells Nick she needs to sleep on the decision. Justin gets the group date rose, there is not really a good reason for this, I guess he was the best rapper? image

I really want to point out K is a TERRIBLE rapper, someone somewhere once told her she can rap, that person should be smacked! But because K is cute and spunky she probably gets away with 'rapping' around guys all the time so she now thinks she herself is a rapper...SHE IS NOT. 

We get K and Nick talking on the phone while the show lets us know that it is snowing in NYC - Why on earth did they pick this location? Seriously I have been saying this the last few season but I have to keep asking: Have they cut the production budget on this show? K tells us that she needs to talk to someone so she goes to get her hair done and lo and behold the stylist is 'crazy' Ashley S from last season...was she listed as a hair dresser on her season? Am I going to ask a question in every paragraph of this blog? 

Does the Bachelor/ette franchise constantly hook its peeps up with jobs throughout the season, is a former Bachelor guy handling the catering while another drives the limos? K meets up with Nick and he continues to schmooze her. K says she has to be selfish and not care if she makes the other guys angry thus she would regret letting Nick go, so she brings him onto the show, I like that she has completely killed my crush on her in only a few episodes, no need to keep that lingering. 

Jared gets the one on one date and its at the Met (it's also raining a tonne, seriously why this location?). The show sneaks in a Neil Lane ad "I am in this beautiful gown with these beautiful Neil Lane jewels. K admits to us (not Jared) that she is distracted with thoughts of Nick...so of course she asks Jared about the feeling in the house about Nick. I keep staring at how patchy Jared's beard is, it is so bad that I think it has to be deliberate. Annnnnd Jared wrote K a poem, I hate that every season some terrible poem has to be read on a date! Look peeps you do not have to write terrible poetry to just get your point across - it leads to kisses (TWO) and the date rose. 

BUT, while the location budget might have been curtailed the helicopter budget is still alive and kicking, Jared and K take a tour of the city.
 What is this; a glimpse at Britt and Brady? (or just a cheap ploy by me to sneak another question in?) 

K tells the guys that she has decided to bring in Nick, then notes that she does not like the energy in the room - what did she expect high fives? Half these guys would happily murder Nick! 

Group Date
K takes the guys to do a musical, she claims that she is obsessed with the Aladdin musical then lets us know that what she really loves is the movie, the show just made her pretend that she loves the musical - okay she doesn't explicitly say it, but it is obvious from her words. The guys have to run through their paces and then the usual bomb is dropped only the guy that is picked gets to remain with K for the rest of the date, the other guys have to go back to the hotel.
 For some of the guys my closed caption lists them as "Off Key" during the singing auditions, 
I love turning on the CC during this show, whomever does them for this show can be pretty snarky. Chris wins the date - he will NOT be Aladdin. 

Chris states that peeps pay a lot of money to come to the show to see Aladdin, (it is important to point out that he and K will only be a tiny portion of the real show, no one would ever pay to see him do a full show) but he and K are acting as if they really are going to wow an audience. Tonnes of kisses (THREE) After all of that buildup K and Chris basically just stand in a corner of the stage, have another actor lead them around for directions for about 10 paces and then get 'featured' by an actor with a speaking role pointing at them...so basically NOTHING. 

Back to the hotel and the guys are sitting around wondering and talking about Nick, we see Nick walking around NYC dragging a bag that could not possibly hold all his stuff. Nick gets to the hotel and enters the elevator with heavy breathing (guess he thought it was another night with Andi) and (as E pointed out to me in a text) of course we do not get another bloody rose ceremony! 

We get our Britt and Brady update, she says she is proud to call him her boyfriend, they talk like they are both in a Disney series...oh wait the Mouse does own ABC!!!

Can we take a quick moment and point out how lame the pretense that Nick just happened to be there at the rap battle is? He just happens to be in the audience, but he also just wants to make sure he got to meet Kaitlyn, but he somehow knows exactly where they were filming? It's just too convenient and it insults our intelligence...though the longer I watch this show I wonder if I can still claim intelligence!

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Bachelorette recap or "We've grown very close -- almost too close, I think, at times, in the room and stuff like that, in the shower," - 2 guys

Black Matt invited me to go grab a drink tonight, but put in this line in the message "I do not want to interrupt your blogging" - what has my life come to that an invitation for drinks with a friend comes with them thinking I cannot leave my house on a Monday night?

"An all new dramatic episode of the Bachelorette begins right now" I wonder if Chris Harrison chuckles everytime he records these promos.

We restart with Kupah still going nuts in the continuation from last week. The producers are having a hard time controlling him, he points out that he is the "Black dude that goes home after 3 days"...yeah homie we get it. Kaitlyn (K) goes outside to calm him down, and Kupah switches off the tough guy act instantly...you are S-A-W-F-T dude! "I honestly don't even like her right now homie" is Kupah's attempt to save face when K leaves him - it does not work. So yup this early in the season we had to get the 'angry black man' syndrome and I cannot even blame this one on the show...who am I kidding sure I can - I am going to pretend that the stresses of this show where Kupah felt like he was just the token led to the extreme reaction because of his looking around and thinking "I really am the token" anyone would react badly to that.

The rest of the cocktail party is cancelled and we go to the rose ceremony with the usual boring fake drama but the final rose goes to Tony, the 'healer' what on earth is happening here? The ceremony was so boring I was trying to find out ways to sync my fitbit with my chromebook...this should not be this bloody hard.

Back to the show, a couple of Sumos (one who is the heaviest Japanese person ever, [per the show]) sneak into the guys' house in the morning and start smashing gongs while screaming in Japanese.

The guys on the group dates are told to put on mawashis the traditional gear and the cultural misappropriation begins in earnest.

 The guys nether regions are all constantly being blurred, I guess if the shows can do their damndest to put the women constantly in bikinis, this counts as fair?
image

The guys all take their turns against the sumos - Tony enters the ring and warns everyone that they are going to see a fight, his attempts are laughable. But Tony takes it seriously and walks out of the ring pissed off. K goes after him and Tony reasonably (sigh I hate when he does that) points out that every competition so far has had to be about aggression...then goes off on a tangent. K lies to him and tells him that he did not have to do the competition, let's keep it real, if a guy did not do the competition she would not have looked favorably upon him.

JJ then decides to step in and attempt to antagonize Tony, Tony showing more fire than I would have expected from him tells him to get "the [Blurred] away."
By the way for a group date it sure seems like the entire house is involved. Ian attempts to talk Tony off the ledge...trying to so hard to keep another guy in the competition?

K then tells the guys she set up an exhibition for them to show off their newly acquired 'skills'. So the guys roll up on bicycles to the City Walk LA in front of a crowd and Tony does not show up, something K points out (methinks she is not as cool as she pretended to be about it). K gets into a fake match with one of the sumos and of course wins.

The guys go up against each other and Clint a former wrestler easily wins, while taking it all a little too seriously.
Bachelorette sumo wrestling

Cut to the house and Tony is railing again that there is not enough tailored to his likes in the house. Tony has decided to leave but before he does so he wants to explain himself to K so he packs his bags gets in a limo and has it drive him to the evening portion of the group date.

While telling us he is not a quitter, he quits the show...

We see him standing sniffing a flower that he tells K he picked for her. He tells K that "he is easily found" (hint look him up outside of the show) but he is no longer staying on the show.

The rest of the guys get their time with K: JJ and Clint are talking about their respective strategies, JJ says he is going to try to get as much time as he can with K, Clint decides the opposite strategy is the best and he is going to wait for K to seek him out...he does know this is a competition right? K at one point sits down with all the guys, blatantly looks at Clint and he looks away with the "hard to get strategy." Shawn then asks her if he can steal her away and K grasps that lifeline quickly. Shawn's strategy works because he gets the group date rose. Clint in a confessional foolishly points out that K came back for the rose and had the opportunity to talk to him for a couple minutes. Shawn gets the rose and the first kiss. ONE.

K points out to Clint that she felt his attitude to her was a problem. Clint tells us that he is enjoying alot of relationships with the guys "JJ in particular...he is a sweetheart."

Next day we pretend that Chris Harrison (CH) has planned the date and not the Bachelorette's producers, K and Ben Z are both at the mercy of CH. So much of this is ridiculous, I am supposed to believe that CH who has spent less time with the guys than K and the producers, knew which guy was best to pick for a one on one date? For the date CH wants the couple to go into a mystery room find a code and use the code to escape 'The Basement A live Escape Room Experience' - just before entering K tells us that her big fear is birds, so of course as soon as the door opens birds fly out.

But wait, what is this disclaimer at the bottom of my screen? "The animals and insects have been added and are not normally part of this experience" there is a great moment where it actually looks like Ben Z is looking down and reading that text...he is not but it sure looks that way.

Basically it is an enhanced interactive horror house experience, which commands them to kiss (TWO). As they find more and more clues they attempt to figure out the way to escape the room, they have 45 minutes before 'gas is emitted.' One of the rooms has snakes I would have to get gassed because Cali J does not do snakes, no way, no how. They get all the clues together and of course the code is R-O-S-E-S and of course they get it done with the clock counting down to 1 second left!

Evening portion of the date; and Ben tells the story of his mom's death and how he regrets not crying at her death, he claims to not have cried in 11 years...I haven't cried in a longer time it does not make you abnormal (I really hope it does not make you abnormal). Ben gets the rose.

I really am amused by the ads during this show, even with a DVR I catch myself stopping for a few ads...like the Purina ad that now looks like they have mind control for older dogs built into their dog food, or CH auditioning for the movie Spy!

Group date #2:
The guys go to school and they are going to teach a group of child actors about sex ed, would parents really sign off on this show teaching their kids about reproduction and puberty? How can the guys not see that this has to be rigged? K says "Sex and physical chemistry with somebody is a huge part of a relationship" so why not have your partner talk to little kids about it?

Cut to the house - and the Clint and JJ bromance is blossoming, they sit on the couch holding hands in wrestling moves with JJ's shorts blurred, and they apparently shower together.
image

Back to the classroom and the guys are stuttering as the kids pepper them with questions - how can the guys not get that these kids are fake? K eventually admits what we all already knew, the kids are child actors.


Night portion:
Ben H gets a kiss and then increases the cheesy factor by dipping K. (THREE)

Cut to the house and Clint is letting us know that he has fallen for JJ more than K (The promos for tonight would have you believe it was a gay relationship) but when Clint says he has fallen in love with a man you can see him fighting the smirk. Yes it is an extremely close relationship for 2 straight men to have, but it is not a close enough relationship for 2 gay men to have, it is just a bromance!


Back to the date and Jared gets a kiss by pointing out that he got beaten up in a boxing ring last week. (FOUR)
Ben H gets the rose, Jared looks like someone just punched him in the head again.

Cocktail party time:
The guys who didn't have dates think they will have a shot at going for K first...Suckers! As soon as she walks in Clint immediately takes her aside, but he is doing this so that he can remain in the house - to spend more time with JJ. Clint gets a kiss (FIVE) but tells us that he did it all for JJ, who he immediately goes and compliments. He and JJ start to compare notes on K while watching her kiss Justin (SIX). "Villains gotta vill" is now Clint's catch phrase.

JJ carries on a running narrative in the confessional about how much he is running the show while we get clips of all the other guys telling K how bad JJ and Clint have been to her. Clint keeps expressing confidence to all the guys while the guys have been telling K that he is a snake...and we are going to be continued.

The blooper reel features everyone commenting on one of Joe's testicles hanging outside of the mawashi all day.


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bachelorette review where "you got Knocked the F out"

I came home today from Vegas and I am hurting...
On top of that my cable was down for some reason (yes my bill is paid) thankfully rebooting the box took care of that, but not before I started planning which friend's home I might have to head to so that I could see this terribly stupidly horribly addicting show before my 'friends' spoil it for me tomorrow. I would tell you more about the Vegas weekend but what happens there...

A quick hit; after last week's "This season on" promo there was a tonne of Slut-shaming of Kaitlyn (K) and then shaming of the slut-shamers. Can we slow down on both camps? A. the show always makes the edit on those promos look worse/better than you would expect and B. let's cross that bridge when it comes, can we wait till we actually know what happened before we raise righteous indignation in both camps?

Tonight's show starts with us pretending that K is just getting out of bed, mysteriously she already has makeup on...and seems like she is wearing way too much clothing.

For now all the guys are chummy, toasting each other and sharing secrets. We cut to Britt crying (nothing new) in her hotel room and talking to her mom...I listened to a podcast with Britt and K (I swear I do not seek out Bach material, it was just part of my regular sports podcast network) Britt mentioned that she does cry alot then admitted that she is not a regular shower-er and takes 'bird baths.' - that is nasty. Brady the songwriter who walked off the rose ceremony to go and meet Britt is knocking on her door, Britt is not a good enough actress to act surprised to see him.

It's group date time:
JJ - Former investment Banker: Does that just mean unemployed? Claims none of the guys are a challenge.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT KFC AD? Colonel Sanders is back and looking like he still owns slaves, did they just have a Dixie land band of all white children play the ad off? I am so confused and a bit creeped out.

The group date is a boxing event, we have Laila Ali training K (who is in a sexy gym outfit - like a typical boxer) and the guys.
"we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!" (Photo: ABC)
Kupah is so focused on training he forgets to hang out and flirt with K, to the point that K forgot he was on the date.
We get the slow mo walk and dramatic music for the guys entrances to the main area infront of a crowd of ladies.

The first fight is Ben Z vs Daniel, there is a 30lb weight difference, yet Daniel holds his own fairly well for a man that outmatched. Most of these fights are brawls, there is no sweet science here. Ben Z is mowing through his competition and Jared is the surprise challenger in the final - this is now a 50lb weight difference, the only thing shocking about this fight is that Jared was able to remember his name at the end of the episode, he takes some brutal (if not well thrown) punches and is knocked down, but to his credit not out! The show pretends to be concerned about him - if they had been, there is no way this fight would have happened.


K tells us her biggest fear going into the date was someone getting hurt...but yet they did it! Apparently I was not the only one annoyed/bothered by this, E texted me after the show to announce her displeasure with this hypocrisy. Jared took such a beating that he is not available for the evening portion. K pretends that she is concerned about Jared but instead slobbers over the victor Ben Z. K talks to Ben Z first, to the victor goes the spoils and Ben immediately plays the sympathy card, telling K about his mom passing away when he was 14, I know it was/is sad for him, but that was at least 10 years ago, I am sure the story could have waited a bit!

In the middle of the dates K gets a mysterious note "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you." Turns out it was from Jared who gets some alone time with K and gets in the first kiss of the episode ONE! K for all of our mocking of Farmer Chris last season is very enthusiastic about her kisses.

Cut to the house Clint gets the first one on one date card...JJ remains "completely unfazed."

Ben gets the group date rose, playing the dead-card seems to have worked, I still find it gross.

One on One date:
Clint is the guy who drew the image of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and charmed K on the first night. For their date they are going to do an underwater photo shoot. In order to get 'ready' for the photo shoot the photo conceptualist requires that Clint and K connect spiritually; they combine stretches with staring into each others eyes and hands over hearts.

Back to the house and the healer is telling us that fighting for K in the boxing match was ridiculous, I agree with him, he then goes off on tangents about nature etc and we part ways.

K and Clint take some underwater photos, and then kiss underwater TWO.
image

Back to the house, the healer is asking one of the other guys for advice on K but accidentally calls her Britt, I think he might be a fan of 'self medicating.'

Clint gets the one on one rose...K says a lot of things which are just precursors to kissing, she goes in for the kill...I still love you K.

E sent me this and asked if it is a nipple on his neck...I cannot unsee it

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)
2nd group date and Amy Schumer shows up to show us that the power of self promotion and money over comes all...this is the type of show she should be skewering not being on, but then again I write about it soooooo yeah! The guys are put on the spot to immediately tell a joke, I feel nothing but empathy for them, (I think I am a pretty funny guy but I hate being told to tell jokes) having to come up with a joke on the spot is difficult.

JJ claims his pick up line is to tell girls that he has a kid and lives with his parents...see above re 'Former.' Amy Schumer schools JJ so bad, but he is too obnoxiously self absorbed to realize that he has been burned.

The guys are actually not bad overall as a group until Tony the healer, who takes the mic and tries to inspire the audience through his words - he left the stage looking like a crime scene. JJ mocks Tony in his set, he is trying hard to be the villain of this season or they could just be editing him this way, after all it would be hard to NOT mock Tony if you followed him to the stage. Every time Tony talks all the guys roll their eyes, JJ just rolls his twice. Tony keeps telling us that he has been training for this (the show? falling in love? drinking?) his whole life. On his one and one he decides to tell K that he really wanted Britt, but tells K that she has impressed him and that she is like a combination lock he does some very creepy motions in the air with his fingers.
the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

JJ wins a kiss on his one on one time by bringing up his daughter THREE. K "thank you for doing that." She really really really loves kissing. JJ "I would put 50 grand on my winning the rose tonight" Just as he says that we see Joe making out with K outside FOUR! JJ wins the rose but...betting money like that is probably why you are a former Investment banker'.

The guys have a gentleman's agreement that the men who didn't have time to go on dates with K would get first crack at her...JJ immediately ignores that and takes K away from the group for alone time despite having a rose that means he is safe. JJ returns to the group pea-cocking and declaring "sorry I am not sorry," to the camera he says "More than anything right now I'm feeling just smugness wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of confidence..." So my question above re whether it was the edit or his desire to look like the bad guy has been answered.


Ian tells K about the car accident that took him out and nearly ended his hope of ever walking much less running again, the personal story of course leads to yup you guessed it FIVE!!!

JJ keeps prodding Tony trying to get him to crack and go home. Kupah says out loud something I thought they might edit out, he notes that he does not just want to be the "minority guy that fills a quota." The JJ strain is getting to him and he starts to question K in a way that is a little too aggressive, questioning her, saying silly things like he does not think there is a connection between them...K responds "To be honest I actually felt a connection up until right now."

I don't want to give JJ too much credit but I do think his needling of Kupah put him in the dumb head space that caused that terrible conversation...BUT, he compounds it, after K tells him that she is going to need some time to think about the conversation they were having he loudly starts to tell the other guys about what happened and stupidly editoralizes it out loud with his impressions, unfortunately for him K is just around the corner and can hear everything he is saying, including his mockery (I should point out, he appears to be drinking heavily at this point) so she tells him he needs to go home immediately no need to wait for a rose ceremony. His exit interview is boisterous and leads us to a "to be continued."


All show they have been teasing a blossoming relationship with Brady and Britt, he asks her to be his girl and she says yes Kiss count SIX (does this one count?).
image
 The promos for that moment were longer than the actual product shown.
BRITT + BRADY 4EVAAAAA (Photo: ABC)
 Oh well, at least Britt continues to do her part to help Cali through our current drought.

Can we stop getting the 'to be continued' bad edits?
image

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Bachelorette 2nd night recap, hey girl, no not you, your friend that was standing beside you!

Before we continue this extravaganza let's take a moment to review last night, we had 2 Bachelorettes, a bunch of dorks and one guy that made me so uncomfortable watching his actions that I was genuinely concerned he was getting close to a date rape.

I tried hard to analyze the guys last night and I came to the conclusion that many of these guys remind me of this 'friend' I have, he makes everyone around him uncomfortable, girls who know him refuse to go home with him even though no one expects him to do anything but there is just an awkward feeling. He is one of those guys that the more you get to know him the more you dislike him. The majority of my friends hate him to the point that they wonder why we still hang out, most of the peeps in my social sphere have requested that I warn them if he will be at a party or bar before they show up...he reminds me of a tonne of the guys on this show. They probably have a few really good friends, but the majority of people in their social sphere probably secretly (or not so secretly) hate their guts and leave parties a lot faster when 'that guy' shows up.

On to the circus:
Last night we left off with Britt being the more confident of the 2, this show loves to try to swerve us so... I have been predicting Kaitlyn (K...yes I am too lazy to type her full name every time) since the announcement at the end of the Bachelor and I will hold fast to that.

Chris walks in to tell Britt in an unnecessarily slow and cruel manner that she is not the Bachelorette, there is no good way to tell someone this but "the majority of the men have chosen one woman who they can hopefully see a future with um Britt, unfortunately you are not going to be the Bachelorette" THAT IS SOME AWKWARD ASS MESS! This show as I dubbed it last night has truly become the Ratchette. Not only are you booting Britt but you had to make sure she DEFINITELY knows "THEY DO NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU" the harshness of this is foolish and takes the sheen off an already fading rose.


To throw some more salt in the wound and to remind us she was rejected in the grand tradition of this show, Britt has to leave in a limo and do a backseat interview like the typically let go contestants have to. ABC pipes in some slow sedate music with a featured piano to let you know this moment is sad...stuff it producers.

Chris tells K that she is now the Ratchette for this season, they share an awkward hug

and then Chris reminds K that "the job" of the Ratchette is to go and cull the herd so she still has to go through a rose ceremony. I am helping my friend with his business proposal while watching this...I think that I should commit to one or the other, but I just cannot commit full brain potential to this show.

The healer is having a hard time with the cocktail party, he claims he came in with the intention of devoting himself to Kaitlyn then he met Britt and his heart moved to her and now he does not know what to do...let me help - GET A JOB HIPPY.

One idiot tells K that he voted for Britt, she tells him that she is very happy he told her that, I would have taken that secret to my grave...no way she can ever marry you now.

 Other idiots are telling/reminding the other guys that they too voted for Britt. Why? This is why women so often call men dumb - these moments.

One guy plays the shy guy role then moves in for the kiss I knew he was faking that routine. KISS COUNT ONE.


K keeps repeating the part of the show that I hate; she now has to wonder how many of the guys are disappointed that she is there. It would be like going to a party and then realizing that they meant to invite your dad who has the exact same name as you...NOT A PERSONAL STORY...I swear...just because my dad and I have the exact same name does not mean this story is PERSONAL...I SWEAR

K in her way while presenting the first impression rose tells Shawn that she is really attracted to him. KISS COUNT TWO. She becomes really giddy...oh just watch the clip, my love for her is gone!


The rose ceremony begins and I am trying to see how fatigued the guys get while this process goes on, I know this thing takes awhile and you can see so many of these guys have the bloodshot eyes with circles that are always a dead giveaway of drinking and late nights (it is a bit harder to tell on about 2-3 guys but I leave you to guess why). The healer gets a rose, guess the spirits told him to stay. As is now becoming a tradition on these shows, someone breaks rank and asks K to talk to him in private.
The guys left behind are wondering if he is trying to talk his way into a rose, but instead he is telling K that he is leaving and going off to find Britt.


Chris tells him that he will help him to find Britt...makes me wonder if there is going to be a side plot to this season with guys going to find Britt wherever she is or any time that K cuts them. Could Britt be running a bootleg side Ratchette abc.com only show as the real show continues on TV...This could be a thing people, let's make it happen.

The idiot that told K that he voted for Britt actually got a rose, K you sadden me girl, has this show already infected you? Was it the look?

You can tell the show went on for a bloody long time because as the rejected suitors leave it is bright daylight outside.
The law student stripper got booted - I take great joy in that!

The season on promo shows a lot of aggression and a lot of kissing and Nick V showing up to extend his 15 minutes of fame.

Just like that my crush on her gets crushed completely (I know you see what I did there)


We also get a hint that K may be hooked up before the fantasy suite, nope no may be...they actually show it - K tells us and the guys that she had sex with one of them.

We end with Brady travelling to Britt's door to knock on it and see...next week. 

Blog Archive

About Me

My Photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.