Can a Jamaican take Cali?

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Tuesday, January 08, 2019

I return to Bachelor Blogging!

“So I’ve only kissed 4 guys that were my boyfriend…I am not a virgin” I find that sentence so suspicious A. who counts how many people they have kissed and B. was that her leaving an out if a 1000 guys respond “We kissed her” or a 1000 girls…she can always respond with “I said ‘that were my boyfriend’ I didn’t lie!” 

One of these girls has a mom coming fresh out the federal pen…it might be the only thing interesting about her. 

A lot of peeps were apparently annoyed at how long the show took to start BUT that is for those of you still crazy enough to watch this show live…I have never and could never watch this show live, more power and prayers to those of you who can.

“I have not dated a virgin since I was 12” this is the first intro and I suspect the night is going to just get worse. Plenty of cheesy intros like fake butterflies emptied on to the ground to say “I have no more butterflies,” play on names “be the Juan,” popping a balloon shaped like a cherry “to pop your cherry,” pulling a card with a V on it “Took your V card,” giving him a “Sweet Georgia peach,” coming out in a sloth costume - this one broke me and I had to take a temporary gym break. 2 beauty queens are here from the same competition – this is serious. A wardrobe stylist pulls up in a cop car. Many of the girls speak a second language/have an accent so Bri fakes an Aussie accent. 2 girls have on the same dress. One presents him with a dog and yet another comes in a horse drawn carriage and gives him a slipper thus getting the chyron job title of ‘Cinderella.’
Looks like there was a proposal at one of these watch parties but I refuse to confirm by slowing down my DVR as I speed past these wasted moments. 

The girl who brought the dog interrupts Colton and other girls one on one time 3 times for 4 encounters. 

There is a teary eyed retrospective of Chris Harrison’s time as host…is he dying?
The rose ceremony occurs and Catherine the girl who brought the dog and kept interrupting gets the final rose, this feels like a clear producers’ pick.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Bachelorette recap after the Bachelor season has ended

Yes I am that far back, my DVR has the Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad and the Bachelor saved.

It has been months since I saw the 2nd to last episode of this show, I barely remembered these guys at first and my DVR says this show is 179 minutes, but thankfully it looks like much of this is the "watch with a live audience junk" so I can skip sections.

When we finally get going we are with Rachel and Peter (I forgot his name) and he is trying to find out how Rachel will feel if he does not ask her to marry him.
Anyway they take the fantasy suite invite and we see the next morning bed clothes/hair and shirtless guy.

Up next is Bryan and he and Rachel go wine tasting. Rachel exhibits reservations that she claims are a result of Peter. They say yes to the fantasy suite and we get the next morning with the bed scene and the shirtless guy.

Rose ceremony time and Bryan gets the first rose, then Peter and I cannot help but think that maybe Eric should not have worn a T-shirt with a suit. Eric handled his rejection with grace and class.
Eric is brought out to talk to Rachel and the crowd goes nuts for him.

Back to dating and Rachel and Bryan are boring together in a hot air balloon: Confession, I passed out through some of this date and accidentally hit the letter 'L' on repeat over some of the prior paragraphs, I am too tired/lazy/bored to go back over and edit so I just deleted all the Ls and left it because by the time I caught it all I was past the ctrl z to repair point.

Peter and Rachel go to a monastery and this show continues its tradition of casually blending in religion with this show's aesthetic. Peter continues to mention that he is afraid of divorce (I feel him here, though we diverge on how we get to the final destination). Peter tells Rachel that he does not think he can ask for her hand in marriage tomorrow. Peter feels like he does not know the premise of this show. It also feels like Peter stuck around just to hit it...and once that 'task' was achieved he didn't need to stick out the 'painful parts.'

Back to Rachel and the studio audience and OMCH plays for a super awkward long pause.Peter comes out to talk and nothing new is gleaned. It feels like the show's big push is to get Peter to say "I should have asked you to marry me" and he will not take the bait.

Bryan arrives for his solo rose ceremony and I am able to hit the FFWD button because they have him walking up a hill to get to Rachel. Rachel loses her mind when Bryan drops to his knee and shows her the ugly ring. I kept thinking that Bryan and Rachel were more excited with the mechanics of getting engaged and having Bryan come out to the studio audience and re-present the ring again does nothing to diminish that thought.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Bachelorette Recap - The men Tell All.

Time for ‘the men tell all’ and we start it with a recap of the ‘most memorable moments’ from previous Tell Alls. 

I really should be sanitizing my apartment for my mom’s arrival, but I also have to sanitize my DVR, I cannot have her seeing the shows I watch…

Lucas and Blake are immediately the focus, Whaboom…Adam gets to use a line you know he practiced “It should have been Whabye.” Whaboom immediately wants to bond with DeMario clearly looking to pair with a villain. 

Josiah calls Iggy “the rat of all rats.” 

All the guys seem to be on Kenny’s side. Lee’s turn and his racism is showing; what ticks me off about these moments is that it feels like the black guys have to be the ones to prove why they are mad. Maybe it is just me but it feels like Lee is playing the victim. 

Overall not that great a Men Tell all – the racial dynamic has dominated so much of the season and thus this show so it stymies the fun.

Bachelorette recap or family first (for the budget)?

We start off with Rachel walking around her hometown of Dallas.
Because Rachel’s sister is 8 months pregnant she cannot fly out to do the usual ‘the family meets you in a tropical location’ shtick so the guys have to meet Rachel’s family now not later. 

Peter is first:
And they go shopping for baby clothes. Time for Peter to meet the family and it looks like Rachel’s dad the judge continues to avoid camera time like he did on the Bachelor. “What are the red flags?” must have been a producer driven question since multiple people utilized it. 

Eric is second:
Rachel takes him on a quick tour of Dallas. Back at the hotel Peter and Bryan have an awkward exchange, with Peter being annoyed that Bryan seems to think his time with Rachel is locked!
Rachel’s family appears concerned that Eric has never been in love, and “his most serious relationship has been 8 months.” Eric asks Rachel’s mom if it is okay for him to have Rachel’s hand in marriage and he receives that permission. 

Bryan as the finale:
Both Bryan and Rachel are wearing the watches that they purchased on the last episode. Peter in the hotel room says he is not the biggest fan of Bryan and also mentions “Fake cheeks” hmm a few podcasts I have listened to have said Bryan has fake cheeks…Bryan gets to meet some of Rachel’s girlfriend’s before meeting her family…clear front runner status.
Rachel’s family is not as enamored with Bryan as Rachel is – they do not trust Bryan’s motivations as much as Rachel does. Rachel is quick to defend him and will not let her family be critical of him. Rachel’s sister calls Bryan out for saying he loves her family after “just one hour.” 

Let’s head to Spain:
Eric: is the first Bachelor up, and the Bachelorette helicopter budget is back baby.
Eric after a long preamble finally tells Rachel that he loves her, this leads to a make out and a fantasy suite invite. And…we get to see the after-glow in the morning. 

They go to a winery where the owner tells us that he has been with his partner for 57 years. He then serenades the couple in Spanish, before they drink. The winery owner gifts Rachel and Peter with their own wine locker. Rachel asks Peter about the conversation with her family. Just as the couple is about to get into some serious discussions they are interrupted by an adorable kid. The couple finally gets to the serious discussion at dinner, Peter is of the opinion that an engagement should be treated as seriously as marriage, Rachel is a lot more cavalier – this is causing the two to pull apart and we get to be continued.

Bachelorette Recap - Swiss Miss

Off to Switzerland and Rachel tells the guys things will be a little different, 3 one on one dates then a 3 on one and no rose ceremony. 

Bryan gets the first one on one: Some of the guys express shock and annoyance.
And Rachel tells us she sometimes likes to treat her man…so she lets him drive a Bentley – clear front runner…They go to Breitling, good lord I would stab him if he came back to the hotel room and told me about this date.  Of course Bryan gets to keep a watch and gets a rose and a hometown visit.
Dean gets the other one on one while poor Adam is suffering the fact that he has not yet received one. 

Dean one on one:
Rachel takes Dean to a catholic church…I hate when the Bach/ette franchise uses church as a source of entertainment.
Rachel tells us and Dean that some repeat one on ones are to allow her to see if she and the recipient of the date are compatible. But Dean keeps making jokes when Rachel asks him serious questions.
Peter gets the next date card, and Eric voices what we are all thinking that Bryan, Dean and Peter are probably the top 3 in Rachel’s mind currently.
The dinner portion with Dean and Rachel is not any less awkward than the daytime, Dean finally confesses that he is worried about Rachel meeting his family. Despite all that painful awkwardness and the admittance that his family might not be the best Dean gets the rose.

Helicopter Budget Kicks in on Peter’s one on one:
They head to Glacier 3000 to dog sled. Rachel clearly does not handle the cold well and it cracks me up seeing the tell tale signs of her bouncing up and down to stay warm. Peter tells Rachel that he had thoughts of going home on his bad days.
Peter tells Rachel that he might not get down on one knee at the end of the season, despite that and his thoughts of going home, Peter gets the rose.

Group date:
Adam, Eric and Matt get to travel with Rachel to France via boat to battle for one rose.
Eric gets the first mini one on one and uses a lot of platitudes.
Matt, tells Rachel he knows it is not easy for her. Rachel crying tells Matt that he reminds her so much of herself but…she lets him go even after telling him that in another time or place he might have a better shot. 

So now Adam gets his one on one wait…nope, we do not see actually see him getting a one on one…until the evening portion where Rachel finally pulls him aside:
Rachel brings up that Adam once said “a part of me” she wants to know why he wouldn’t give her his all.
Eric tells Rachel he has never taken a girl home, probably to impress upon her, her special status, but instead it scares her…but she still picks him and sends Adam home. 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Bachelorette recap - Sikh and you will find!

Tonight we do Hometown’s
Rachel first meets Eric in Baltimore, MD – as Rachel walks up Eric starts dancing. Eric shows her what he calls the nice part of the city… “not the part where I am from.” They play a fake game of one on one: So Eric’s A1 (His cousin Ralph) meets up with them on the court, nice to see Eric was smart enough to bring his hype man. 

I was so happy to see a big family, so often the black family is portrayed as a non-nuclear unit with very little support so this was cool to see. 

Eric’s family does a really good job of talking him up, Kid has no chance to win this but it is nice to see. Eric tells us in his interview that he is going to tell Rachel he loves her, but she spots that he never actually directly tells her that, instead he says “I really care about you.” 

Rachel tells us that Miami is like Bryan “Its Hot, its steamy” well someone is sprung.
I was just in Miami this weekend so it is fun watching them hit spots I just hit. Bryan takes Rachel to play dominos, they are TERRIBLE at it. He of course takes her to Calle Ocho. 

Bryan’s mom tells him that marriage is a very serious commitment; she then tells Rachel that she prayed at Mass that she would be the one. Bryan tells Rachel that he loves her and she turns giddy, contrast that with her reaction to Eric…Eric has no shot. 

Madison, WI is up next and only when Peter says its name do I notice his accent. They go to what looks like a Farmer’s market and Peter claims he does it every week. Some of Peter’s friends come to meet Rachel, I always joke that if I was on this type of show I would try to get all of my friends on so I respect this move. A bit weirdly Peter tells Rachel he wants to go off and talk to his male friends while leaving her to talk to his female friends. Peter tells his friends that in 3 weeks he might have to get down on one knee and propose and to him that is terrifying.

Peter and Rachel meet up with his family and Rachel likes how Peter is with his niece but she is still nervous that he will not want to be husband material. Peter’s mom tells him that she will be supportive if he proposes.


We go out to Aspen, CO – Dean comes across as so young.
Parumrup = the name that Dean’s Dad has given himself after becoming a Sikh. Santantar is the name of Dean’s stepmom. Dean does not think that it is his responsibility to talk to his dad over the last 2 years. This is clearly a weird family dynamic and Dean is trying really hard to prepare Rachel for it. Even while walking up “This is not a good of indication of who I am, it is an indication of who I was…I am legitimately terrified” these are the words Dean says as he is walking up to his family’s home. 

Dean and Rachel walk in to see the family sitting on the floor (because they do not have a dining table). Dean’s dad then plays the gong for everyone, as they lie with their heads towards the gong.
Rachel is from a traditional black church background, I really wish I could see inside of her head as each moment unfolds. 

Dean’s dad thinks Dean is talking from his Male Chakra and it is giving him “all new points of energy” Dean rolls his eyes. 

Dean’s sister is talking to Rachel at the same time as Dean and his dad are talking and she tells Rachel, that Dean has been very strong through tough situations.

Dean and his Dad have a heart to heart about the death of Dean’s mom and the rift it caused in their family that does not feel like it should be on national TV. Dean’s dad is saying he is honoring his son but he does not want to talk more intimately so they curse at each other and the dad walks out.

Rachel sees Parumrup walking outside and says “Can I talk to you for a second?” “If you must.” Despite being angry at him Dean’s dad says “Dean is an amazing man.” They begin to talk but Dean’s dad breaks it off intimating that he cannot talk any further because it is too much for him. Rachel then goes inside to talk to Dean and while they are talking we see Dean’s dad walk up to the window and look in like a spectre.

Time for a rose ceremony (these have been increasingly rare this season):
OMCH comes in to talk to Rachel – this moment was nothing more than a cheap recap ploy.
Of course Bryan gets the first rose. Dean does not get a rose, he tells Rachel “I hope you find what you are looking for.” I thought I had misheard Rachel telling Dean that she was falling in love with him but in this goodbye moment it was confirmed that she did. Dean tells us that he thinks that Rachel made a mistake.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.