Infrequently updated consistently funny

Friday, November 30, 2007

Naked men, white kids, and me working out

So I rode to the gym tonight (let me point out again; I love San Diego, I rode in a T-shirt and shorts on a November night, meanwhile my boy is IM-ing this from Philly "I f-ing hate you, the temperature here is 32" to which I responded with "Too bad man, it is 65 here" I cannot post his reply). While locking the bike up near an ATM these young white kids rolled up and one was telling this story:

"Man my high school was 94% f-ing blacks 1% Asian and the remaining 1% white" (note apparently his high school did not teach math - which I thought immediately was going to be awesome when he tried to count his money coming out of the ATM)
- Kid then notices the 210lb Black man locking up his bicycle and gives the guilty I got busted start and pauses his story. He then nudges his companions another skinny guy and a girl that looked like the last time she saw sun it was a Disney movie.
- Not knowing what to do he pauses mid-story and immediately launches into
"I wonder how much this ATM is going to charge for getting cash"
- So of course I could not resist messing with him. I lock my bike, take out my lifting gloves, stand behind him at the ATM slowly putting on the gloves and say:
"Hey man why don't you finish that story" (if you have ever heard my voice you might understand why a kid that [may have been] telling a racist story would not want to hear it).
He responds" "Oh I was just telling them how many kids went to my school, that was it I swear" (voice cracks)
I continued: "Oh yea, that was cool man, so how much cash are WE pulling out?"
At that point I was barely keeping myself from laughing because these kids were definitely now concerned about getting jacked...just as he was about to stammer out a reply, it started out like this "uh uh uh Uh [glance around]" I saved him further embarrassment and said: "Nice meeting y'all, look out for those black kids, something tells me they hated you" and then hit the gym. (Felt like a great warm-up for lifting).

But the emotional high that I got from messing with that idiot kid was immediately removed when I sat on the locker room bench to adjust my shoes and the guy next to me who was already invading my personal space dropped trough. Now I have already gotten over my personal hangups of seeing naked men in the gym (did not see it in high school so never got used to it like my American counterparts), but I am still not used to having someone comfortable enough to expose themselves casually infront of me.

Bu-bu-bu- bu-but wait it gets worse, not only has he dropped trough right beside me, I am basically trapped because now he is naked, right beside me and in front of my locker (between my bench and my locker) oh and did I mention that I have my head down because I am adjusting my shoes??? I wanted to discreetly slide down the bench but no such luck I am hemmed in. So what do I do? The only thing I could do. NOTHING. I just stared straight at my shoes, tied my laces, pretended nothing had happened told him he was in my way and grabbed my towel out of my locker. Thing is, I understand that you have to get naked to go shower etc, but is it necessary to get naked in my personal space? And once naked, shouldn't you be hauling ass to either shower or put some clothes on? It is just weird to me for someone to get naked and then just stand beside me not saying a word, and not apparently moving to do anything about his situation. Sorry for the rant meatball hope this has not become your exclusive domain.

Finally, my other blog has allowed me a little artistic freedom, and take jabs (humorous I hope) at friends...just throwing out a casual warning - Assassin, FN, SSV, Baker, Robin, etc!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Quotes by pregnant starlets...you gotta love them.

"Because I hadn't said anything, people thought I was trying to keep it this big, bad secret, and that's not the case at all. I just wasn't commenting. I'm not being like, `Hey everybody, I'm pregnant!' I'm not that girl."

That was Christina Aguilera in the same magazine that she poses on the cover with her shirt open to reveal her pregnancy...I love Starlets.

Can Britney Spears really be pregnant again? Is that possible? I thought certain 'medication' made it harder to become pregnant?

Monday, November 26, 2007

American Gladiators is back!

I put an exclamation on the title but maybe that should be a question mark. I mean AG was cheesy even in the 90s I cannot imagine how extra cheesy it is going to be now. Yet, I am still kind of excited. It will not be a show that I will watch on even a semi-consistent basis, but I will check out a few of the episodes.

And if you doubt me on the cheesiness level check out the names of the "gladiators":
Original six Gladiators (from Wikipedia)

* Malibu
* Lace
* Gemini
* Zap
* Nitro
* Sunny
Unbeatable!

But the icing on the cake...the announced hosts for the New AG are HULK HOGAN and LAILA ALI, no really I am serious, I swear!

Man NBC must be desperate for programming!

Apple Pies and conveniences

I made 2 apple pies last week for thanksgiving weekend. For the first time ever I used a kitchen stand peeler/slicer/corer and I must say...it was awesome. I peeled, sliced and cored a dozen apples so quickly I did it during a commercial break of 'Dirty Sexy Money' (I just love that shows title). Now I am thinking I have to get the damn thing. That is always the problem with trying out anything cool that others have. I am used to sitting in front of a TV and painstakingly peeling apple upon apple and then hand coring them and THEN slicing them to a thin level.

Question is, do I want to purchase another kitchen item that will only be used once in a blue moon?

I loved the crust of the pies I made last week, I am actually not the biggest pie fan, but I am the biggest fan of pie-crusts. So much to the point that when I finished Robin's slice I ate the crust and ignored the filling. Tried out an egg-wash for the first time, it gives great color and allows a nice sheen to the pie topper.

Always my friends - Go with home-made crusts v store bought for gift pies...it always brings the joy!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

IluvNY, Punks jump up to get beat down...

So I know there are those that love that cat Chance from last year. I am personally in the camp that thinks the kid is a gimmick, a show. I watched his 'fights' last night and in everyone of them he takes a step back when the cat is bigger than him. And in all his fights he waits until he is restrained before suddenly 'acting a fool.' I know I am a hot-head yet I hate fighting, but I will trash talk with the best of them. I never like to throw blows so I will sometimes jaw and jaw to the point that a fight seems inevitable. But if a fight breaks out, I do not then run behind the largest obstacle I can find and then start throwing words and drinks at my opponents. (sorry I know the above is convoluted but I am tired - forgive me)

I think Lil Wayne aka Weezy says it best: "I aint never ran from a playa
and i damn sure aint bout to pick today, to start runnin" --Duffle Bag boy

That being said, starting fights for no reason is childish, going out looking for a fight is ridiculous...step your game up people and rise above.

"Go get your weave fixed...you silicone breast wearing bitch" Hahah classic, I do not remember hearing implants described as 'silicone wearing'. The kid may have been fake and he may have been faking that he likes women, but he delivered a great line.

Phenomenal HIMYM tonight...

One of those episodes that while watching it you know you are going to have to view it a second time just to get all they joy out of it. How on earth did I live before DVR? Badly, that is the answer BADLY!

I weep for America, you might ask: Why? And you ask that because you know I will tell you. I weep because Nickelback has an album on the billboard charts that is now over SIX TIMES PLATINUM. Let that seep in, I am telling you that SIX MILLION copies of a Nickelback album have been sold.

So after that shocking discovery I had to check and see who else has topped 6 million and saw Avril Lavigne, Limp Bizkit, Britney Spears, 50 cent and others(just check the link). We are DOOMED AS A COUNTRY. On the plus side, if I release an album I just have to make sure that my lyrics are repetitive, inane and carry a catchy hook. I am thinking Grammy baby!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

In anticipation of tomorrow's HIMYM...slap bet

So there has been a lot of setup for Monday's HIMYM episode so I expect great things. In anticipation of the countdown of the Slap Counter. I am dropping in this clip of Slap Bet.

By the way, if you are not watching Mayweather/Hatton 24/7 and you are a boxing fan, you are depriving yourself of a visual treat. I said it in the buildup to the De La Hoya fight...Floyd is bloody crazy! And that makes him awesome to watch. The kid is a machine, I know Hatton is undefeated and the pride of the British Empire but Floyd is an all time great. My only fear is that all the craziness that surrounds Floyd must distract him.

On to the Slaps
"What would you expect? You have seen my Penis!"

Saturday, November 17, 2007

One year ago...

My boys and I consumed insane amounts of alcohol because bar results came out and we had passed. Tonight, we consumed insane amounts of alcohol because we were happy that it was a full year from one of the worst days of our lives and we were toasting those of our friends that had passed.

Until you live it, you will never understand the fear that comes with waiting for the bar. I have seen dead bodies, I have had a root canal, I have had the last rites given to me, I have been dumped and yet I still cannot think of a worse day than the day I had to wait for the bar.

Tonight was off the chain, I cannot say why, because it is still at that delicate stage of "Damn son your girl is crazy" but it was good.

Good to see the Persian mafia together again, even if one of them rolled out like a preppy kid from one of those horrible 80s movies. And that includes 16 candles, Top gun and Can't buy me love...they all sucked. But it does not include Princess Bride and The Breakfast Club, but it does also include 80s music. Yes I said it...The 80s are the most over-rated period of music EVER!

Time to set a dinner menu.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO PASSED THE BAR! Bad luck to my friends who were not that fortunate, these things happen and you will be able to move on, even if right now seems unbelievably painful.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

THREE AM TEXT MESSAGES!

Now most people know what it means to get a text message or call past 1am! And we all know nothing good happens after 2am. Well at 3am I received not one but 2 text messages back to back. One would think it must be an urgent request. Well I flicked my phone over to see two text messages from...SPRINT. Yup my phone company gave me a b-text in the middle of the night.

Of course this means that I now have to call them later in the day and raise Cain, cause beyond the fact that they annoy me by sending me the texts they sent them in the middle of the NIGHT!

Glad to see that Arrested Development is back
! I was a big fan of the album "3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days in the Life of..."
Hopefully they come to SD at some point!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Monday, November 12, 2007

"She's a keeper, just keep her somewhere else"

That is what Robin dropped in regards to Ted's new girlfriend and I fell out of my chair laughing.

"Do raisins have a brain?" So starts the Smart Start creepy cereal ad! What makes them think that I want to think about raisins having a brain when eating my morning meal? It does not help that raisins already kind of look like brains.

This OJ Vegas thing is already turning out more entertaining than I expected!

The Visa is faster than cash ads only make sense when ordering fast food - No offense but many of those workers seem to go brain dead when dispensing change. Otherwise the ads are visually appealing intellectually silly.

I should never ever, call you.

I Love NY has opened my eyes up to what a bunch of 'thugs' will do to get a 'lady'.

I love the Xmas period because it brings back Egg nogg ice cream; only one problem - This should not count as the Xmas period, it is not even bloody Turkey day yet.

Hahah I just saw a clip of competitive bar-tending, yes it is as bad as it sounds!

"War-lord trash-a-gold
" Do not believe me? Ask him! Great you-tubes for my American friends who I am constantly trying to teach patois.

Jane Seymour is still
getting it done!

I have decided that 8 o'clock is the cut off time for young kids to watch TV, after that the material becomes decidedly adult, and that counts for the comedies and dramas.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

How could she do that? v3.43

One of my boys found out that his girl was cheating on him. But he found out in a fashion calculated to cause pain and my heart goes out to him. Thing is, no matter how bad one feels it seems like you can always find someone worse off than you. I mean plenty a time I have felt like I was done wrong by a woman, but never in the fashion that he was hit with.

So my boy is hurt to the point that he is plotting criminal activity (nothing physical) but still criminal. I was amused by the fact that I had to counsel against illegal activity and replay the things that are illegal to do to others...no matter how good they might feel.

Thankfully (as far as I know) I have never been cheated on. And long time readers will remember that I go by the Mario Winans' school of thought. Thing is, if someone has hooked you up, and given you everything you need in life, but yet you still feel unfulfilled, maybe it is better for you to just walk away rather than being so underhanded.

Remember though, sometimes things happen, sometimes you might do things that are outside the normal bounds of a relationship (not just saying that cause I might feel guilty about my past or anything) but there is stretching the bounds of decency and then there is swallowing what is not yours! Make of that what you must, I have only been allowed so much permission.

You know things are bad when something that happens to a friend affects you so badly that you are actually mad at the ne'er-do-well.

I close with this:
"Somebody said they saw you
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself

I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know"

-- I don't Wanna know by Mario Winans

Hot girls always make me wary!

So tonight I was hanging out with 2 rather hot young women on the harbor cruise. There is a slight problem with hanging with hot women; not the fact that they know they are hot; not the fact that they can be cocky (these girls were funny not cocky); not even the fact that you sometimes wonder if they are just spending the time looking at their own reflections; nope the major problem is that every moron in the damn spot wants to step to you and your companions.

It was definitely a confusing night though, combine the fact that the girl to guy ratio was the best I have ever seen in San Diego and probably in the top 3 of girl-guy ratios I have ever seen with the fact that 80% of the peeps were drunk or toked out of their minds and you get a night filled with peeps making out on the dance floor and peeps trying to finger bang (and if u do not know what the last one is - then I applaud you for your innocence). I almost felt like I was in college again :) !

It is also always cool/fun to roll with your boy who is a promoter, it leads to a VIP experience and allows you to roll in anywhere. Combine it with the cockiness of wearing a shirt that has pink, orange and purple in it, and a blazer and forgive me if I SWAGGER a bit when sauntering into a bar!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A Shot at Cold Sores with Tila Tequila, v.2.23 (shout out to Mike)

"I need at least 9 times a day" So hearing that in the background I figured it must be her talking about drinking water...nope. This is how many times a day Tila Tequila claims she HAS to touch herself and yet they make all those false claims about men and our urges?

So I have always maintained that I am afraid of having a girl because I know what boys are like and I would be afraid of having my daughter out in the real world, but now...Yeesh, this show is making me afraid of just having any kids. I would be mortified if any child of mine showed up on a show like this.

I know reality shows are the quick road to C-list stardom for alot of peeps, but if my kid ever told me they wanted to go on one of these type of shows I would immediately offer to pay them whatever money they would make on the damn show just to stay of it. I would tend allow them to drop out of school for a year to go to acting school, anything to not have them ridicule the family in such a fashion...Then again no kid of mine could be moronic enough to ever go on a show like this.

Still not sure how on earth Tila Tequila is this popular, she lacks the charisma of a Flavor Flav, or the sheer craziness of New York, her personality seems like it was manufactured with lead paint and her 'beauty' is average in terms of Hollywood. So props to her because clearly she knows how to market herself!

Just a thought MTV, if you are showing a replay of a show that ends with an elimination, it is a bit silly to show a promo of the next week's episode showing who is up for elimination, kind of ruins the suspense of the epi I am watching!

Oh and for all those peeps who have just been watching hoping for a cat-fight, next week is your week.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

San Diego complete booze ban on beaches

So the city of San Diego has finally done it...Booze is completely banned on all city beaches! I have been in San Diego 4 plus years and this issue constantly comes up.

I personally do not believe that alcohol needs to be banned on beaches, but then again, I have not had to deal with the rowdy idiots that make life hell for the peeps who live near PB.

I would MUCH prefer a ban on smoking on the beach, I have never been bothered by someone drinking next to me on the beach, but I have definitely been bothered by smoke blowing over from the person sitting next to me.

Next they should ban those roided up fools that are constantly trying to take up space on the beach to show off to their overly bleached, overly (spray) tanned, overly waxed barbies...though on that last one I might just be bitter!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

An interesting article on marriage

I read this article while watching the game...amazing what I will read while watching peeps beat their brains in (go Colts - I hate the Patriots) and it led me to some thoughts. The writer has in my view missed the point of marriage. She appears to think of marriage as the bringing of 2 parts and the retention of separate but equal entities. BUT, I disagree! If you have read my blog you know I am not the most sentimental of persons but what I do value is marriage, trust and love.

A marriage is not just about 2 people coming together to share things, a marriage is about 2 people coming together to become ONE! The bible says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" I can understand a marriage where both persons are temporarily separated due to jobs etc, but to willingly choose to live such a lifestyle is not a marriage but an arrangement of convenience.

SELAH

- Your Sunday word.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Can you truly be over someone...

If you can still become jealous over them? I have said it before but it still haunts me: Sometimes you realize that you are just not over something or someone. The problem lies in having that feeling for more than one thing. Oh well, recognition of the stresser is the first step to making sure you can handle it. Even if it leads to painful text messages.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Hingis out thanks to coke...

So Martina Hingis has a positive test for cocaine and suddenly resigns? Thing is, even if she is 100% innocent it seems weird to suddenly retire.

Sucks to see a once brilliant career end like this. I wonder if the 2 years off were spent partying.

Happy Birthday to...

The princess of the ATX Zandra!

"Tell your girl to stop yanking on my carrot!"

When your costume allows you to start a conversation with the above words you know that the night is going to be FAN-wait for it -TASTIC!

I truly believe that the fact that so many girls dress 'sluttily' in their regular nights out, that Halloween has been damaged as the "slutty night out." Kind of along the lines of, if you have top quality wine every night it is hard to be impressed by top shelf wine on a weekend. Well, if girls are constantly showing it all off, on a night when the showing it off comes with a garish color pattern, you tend not to be so shocked by it.

In fact a young lady tonight was literally wearing lingerie and for a while I thought it was just a dress.

So rolling out with my boy John (J.lo the tall Azn) was a bit of a treat tonight since I had a built in wing-man and someone who is just as willing as I am to crack a joke, no matter who is in front of us.

(an aside- John is clearly Asian, and if you have seen me [I am clearly black] this white chick came up to us, started flirting, then dropped the bf bomb which of course meant that I started tuning out but then she said something that dragged me back into the convo..."Hey I am going to tell you a joke, I hope you do not get too offended" at this point I knew it was going to be a bad and probably racist joke, she did not disappoint. I have no clue what makes peeps think it will be cool to drop that to peeps they do not know...to John's credit he seemed to take it well...meanwhile I am half lecturing her but in mid sentence trail off cause some girl grabbed me by the tail and told me we had to take a picture - good times)

So I have discovered, girls cannot resist fuzzy out-fits! I have also discovered that fuzzy out-fits cause you to sweat out pounds of fluid. I came home and the stuff I wore to protect my skin from the costume was dripping wet!

I never understand peeps who need X to have a great time in the club. If E is the only way you are going to have fun at a party, maybe you should not go to the party. Nonetheless, watching this kid go nuts in the bar while on E was an amazing experience and it brought a lot of fun to the proceedings, even if some of it was wondering when he was going to pass out.

It was also worth the trip to see that John has as bad a time at reading signals as I do. Some chicks made eyes with us, and neither of us knew what to do...good times!

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.