Infrequently updated consistently funny

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Things I ponder as I continue to move in bit by bit...hope she was impressed by the view

- Are 2 shoe racks too many for a single straight man to have?
- Is it bad if the 2 would be full and the same single straight man is contemplating a third?
- If my closet space has increased by a 1/3 and I gave away half of my clothes when moving how can I still not have enough room?
- Was storing 7 bags of clothes in my old garage a bad idea?
- Do I really need furniture?
- Buying 4 rugs in one setting for a 1 bedroom apartment might have been a bit much, but I think a 5th would really liven up the living room and probably a 6th for my bedside.
- If you are concerned about shelves being damaged under the weight of your alcohol, do you have too much?
- Should I have a house warming?
- It would really help with the alcohol weight and space issue.
- Bar stools with backs or without?
- My shower allows you to sit down in it – on little built in shelf looking thingys (technical term): Was it built for two?
- I have gone 3 days without my TV – can I survive without cable?
- Less than half my stuff is in the apartment and out of storage and already I want to give away a third of it
- Seriously the shower has 2 built in seats…it must be a hint.
- Too bad I am stone cold.
- Having your bathroom next to the water heater is awesome for hot water – thinking it was like your old place and waiting for the water to heat up is not
- My living room fronts onto the next complexes lobby type area – need to remember that on my next early morning scamper to the rest room.
- Do I throw away the boxes or put them outside for some homeless guy? Would I be contributing to the homeless situation?
- If cops are continually patrolling your neighborhood should you feel safer or realize that you are on the fringes of the hood?
- Is it cruel to walk past the complex one block below you and smirk at people walking out because they pay 2xs as much in rent as you do for a smaller apartment when you know that had their office been open when you went by last Friday you would have picked up a brochure and probably be living there right now.
- Will it be cool for my friends to tan naked on the roof top deck of my place?
- Who’s sexier the downstairs neighbor on the first floor or the one on the 2nd floor? And can you really lose in a comparison argument of who’s sexier?

And I have not yet figured out if having the local bar less than a minute away is a good thing - Could be potentally awesome - could be the worst thing ever

What else can you say about Paris

Love the city, cannot stand the rich American girl that shares its name. Just when you thought Paris Hilton could not be any more over-exposed, this debuts Enjoy - NOT FOR WORK OR CLASS

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

While signing my lease yesterday...

The property manager made sure to notify me that my apartment buidling was a 'Drug free zone' and that her nose is very sensitive thanks to her years in security work. Which prompted me to start singing "Good vibrations" - Problem is if someone does not know the song and then tells you that they want to make sure you "do not smoke the ganja" suddenly busting out with the words "It's such a good vibration...sweet sensation" does not help their fears.

Loving the freedom of the new spot - anyone who knows how I like to roll can guess why.

K off to work

Monday, January 29, 2007

Got my new place today

Here is hoping that I can make it look great! Will be nice to live on my own again - I miss that feeling of coming home and just being able to throw myself down any way I want.

Time to go swoop some furniture...(oh and some peeps have some pieces for me - hint hint).

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Male nudity

Wow I think 'Rome' attempted to set the record tonight for most instances of male nudity. It felt like every few minutes another male character was dropping trou. Last year Rome had tonnes of female nudity and I was fine with that because it was INTEGRAL to the story. This year there is very little female nudity (no I do not count the girl milking her breast to place milk on the head of the dead nudity) and a tonne of male 'ass shots'. In fact tonight a young man was raped and of course we had to see him bent over.

Oh well the unnecessary male nudity aside Rome is still one of the best shows on TV.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

They should have strapped that kid to the wing

Quick thing...An amazing victory by Serena Williams, one step away from the worst beating in Aussie open finals history.

How can anyone be mad at Air Tran for kicking out the parents with the bratty 3 year old? Think about how frustrated you are if you are forced to wait for anything. Now add the fact that you might be trying to make a connecting flight and now consider how patient you would be with parents that cannot keep their damn kid under control. Asking them to leave might be the kindest thing you could think of.

To be fair here is a differing opinion to my own. So I will blast it as the writing of a lunatic – hahah that is not exactly how I deal with differing opinions but I would like to point out that she left out important things like – Others are affected by the delay and that families are allowed to board early for a reason so that they can calm down their kids. Oh and the fact that the parents had been trying to calm her for over 15 minutes!!

In my not so humble opinion, I think they were lucky that the airline reimbursed them as well as flew them home the next day and offered fresh tickets

Finished my first week of work...

Well sort of. Since I am working this weekend I cannot count the week as over yet. I did not realize just how much I missed working. But I also did not remember just how tiring working can be.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sorry for the lag on posts

I just started a new job and have been churning out 12-13 hour days.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Just watched...

2 girls attempt to parallel park a car downtown in a fairly large parking space. The girl who was outside guiding her friend into the spot, allowed her friend to hit the car behind her...but the best thing is that they both considered the car 'parked' at that point and walked away. I had to walk across the street to check because I could not believe that they had left the car like that but - They did. Their Honda is now practically resting on the front of some poor guy's Lexus and they left all evidence of their 'crime' there. I would have thought they would at least have pulled up but I guess that would have cut into their drinking time, after all the car is now "in the spot"

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Meatball; your city is crazy!

I do not know how many of you got a chance or cared enough to see American Idol last night, but they were in Seattle and the freaks definitely came out to 'sing'.

I salute you Meatball for admitting that you went to school with Nick Zitzmann, a software engineer, I would love to meet his "coworkers [that] encouraged him to come to the audition because of some instrumental demos of his that they'd heard." "It was almost non-human," Simon says. "Out of tune, bad tone, unpleasant, none of the things you want singing to be," Randy says." Baltimore sun

Kid was awful and had a rather scary stare.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Hmm...bad things could happen

I have not even had a chance to post about how crazy Wednesday night was yet we plan on going out tonight to the same bar that prompted last Friday's post this could lead to an Epic weekend. But my plan is actually to lay low.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Too tired to blog, will place more later

Short form: Janice Dickinson, John Lovitz, Lady Sovereign, VIP status and a lesbian all over the Del "The D stands for determination" G. As well as a couple rockstars, and my ordering food from the waitress as if it were my table. I will definitely miss Hollywood.

Oh and this was handed out tonight

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Will they finally keep a better eye on this guy?

Now that Gary Glitter is getting out of jail again...can they at least keep him away from kids? I know rappers get in trouble all the time, but even if it is just lip service they at least are supposed to be drug tested etc. Glitter is clearly risky to have anywhere near kids.

Then again the Brits arrested Pete Doherty SEVEN times in 2006 and he served ZERO jail time!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

“You hurt my Penis”

So starts the first few minutes of ‘I love NY’. It was in these few minutes that I knew this show might be bad for my well being…”He drinks a lot, I like that” So says New York when discussing one of the guys.

The guy she was discussing was getting mad because he was told that he needs Ritalin which pissed him off then led him to say “What the fu@k is Ritalin?” How are you going to get pissed about being called something and then not know what it is?

I know I know 20 girls going after a guy; that is pimp – 20 guys going after a girl; she is a whore! Time we get past that in society. And just label them both as horrible ideas. I expressed long ago when watching F.O.L. that my fear was that many would see these shows as reflections of Black-America, but after I saw the ‘white boy’ break down and start to cry about the tragedy of losing his ‘teacup princess’ (dog) and show NY pictures of him posing with his dog I almost ALMOST for a second went down that road of ‘man dem boyz are crazy’. One should never judge a whole group on the misadventures of a few. So, just as I would never judge the white race on the few representatives on this show I hope “White-America” would never judge blacks based on NY’s crazy ass.

“Negarita” Did I spell that right? Crazy how much heat that word brought.

“She died tragically, by falling down the steps and cracking her neck, it was the worst tragedy that I have ever had in my life” I had zoned out and then heard that so I had to rewind only to realize that it was the same guy talking about his dog again. I love animals as much as the next person but if that is the worst thing to happen to you, you are leading a charmed life. In my short time on this earth I can name illnesses in my family, deaths of friends and loved ones that rank much higher than dogs in my life.

So the episode was not that great but the set up previews look INSANE…especially watching that guy getting knocked the hell out of the boxing ring. I do not mean he was knocked out in the ring I mean he was hit so hard that he fell over the top rope of the ring.

NY’s mom capping it all off with “Fo shizzle” was just great!

So if I had to grade episodes this would be a 7/10 just because it was more of a set up episode rather than a great stand alone episode.

Damn it OSU

Put up a fight next time!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Ah another great night of drinking and "hey stop peeing on the side of that Store"

Ah another night out another night of VIP status another night of “how the hell did we become VIPs?” So G dub and I checked out Boulevard 3 a fairly new bar in the Hollywood area (rather up tight crowd – somewhat pretentious bar – you cannot get in unless you are on the guest list and being on the guest list does not assure entrance and well you get the picture – hot new spot) since we figured we are leaving the Hollywood area so why not get all the bars in now while we can.

So we got there fairly early (you know the whole guest list issue) and of course that meant we got to get ‘our drink on’ early. Of course we had to consume liquor before leaving the house as well…G dub made some Red Bull vodkas that were so pale that even I heavy drinker that I can be had to adjust mine and since we were out of mixers I made a Kool-Aid Red Bull and Vodka then we took shots and then decided “Time for the Bar”. Upon (a word not used nearly enough) arriving at the bar, we did the obligatory people watching for a bit (“I don’t dance I just pull up my pants and lean back”) then spotted what to us appeared to be an ordinary couch table and ottoman arrangement, clearly it had to be open to the general public.

Upon (seriously it is such a fun word – add it to your general conversation for the next two days it will make you smile: For instance watching the game: “Upon Peyton Manning receiving the football he threw an interception causing Colts fans everywhere to throw up-on themselves everywhere [k so I stretched that last upon but it is still a bloody fun word so use it today]) sitting down at the table we were accosted (upon and accosted sound right together) by a young lady who works for the bar. She was actually quite nice but I want to use accosted so there it is. She informed us that the couch area was reserved and not by us. G dub and I then telepathically decided that we had to ‘lawyer’ her and by telepathically I mean we just stared at each other with amused smiles and proceeded with this conversation…

G dub: “So?”
Server: “Well it means when they get here you will have to give it to them”
G Dub: “Hah”
Me: “How did they reserve it?”
Server: “On a credit card?”
Me: “So how do you know that it is not my credit card?”
Server: “Uhmm…”
Me: “Charge everything to that card”

(No we were not assholes enough to actually charge anything to the poor unsuspecting person that reserved the table – but we did use their table the entire time we were at the bar)

What made it even better was how pissed we were when we escorted a friend out and came back to see people sitting at ‘OUR’ table. So we had received a few calls earlier about some friends heading to ‘The Room’ in Santa Monica so despite the fact that Santa Monica was about a ¼ of the city away we decided to head there.

Now I forgot to mention that I had said I was not going to drink much that night, but everyone knows that if you go to a bar it is impolite to not have a drink or 2. So we drank and stared some people down…apparently if you show up late to something and a group of guys have been talking to girls all night it is rude to try and get the girls’ attentions. It led to some funny conversations from G Dub “How the fu@k do you not know me?” and on my part “Tell her I think she is cute…no seriously TELL HER” (I know I know I reverted to high school- but seriously she is cute and so tiny I can lift her up with one hand, I know because I tried).

So after we left the bar we figured it would be a great time to hit the Farmer’s market at 2am in the morning (thank goodness for designated drivers). No shock there it was closed. However it now meant that we were not close to home so a member of the group declared “Pull over to the closest side street I have to take a leak” so we obliged. Unfortunately a few minutes later another member said “Pull over I gotta go now” however at this point we were still within the Farmer’s market in front of Banana Republic and as a civic service we washed their curb down for them…we take pride in our streets in Los Angeles.

We finally headed home after making one last stop…which lead to this conversation in the morning

“My tongue feels like sandpaper”
“That food last night was a bad idea”
“My stomach feels like crap”
“We are never going to Wendy’s after drinking”

Yup that’s right, rather than blame the boozing for the wrecked stomachs we have chosen to blame Wendy’s and their damnable tasty meals. Ciao.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

So everyone probably remembers the Janet Jackson...

Superbowl fiasco when she bared her breast at half time while performing with Justin Timberlake. It caused such an uproar that the next year the show basically catered to the geriatric (safe) crowd. Well this year they have brought in Prince as the main half time performer...I wonder how long the time delay on this performance will be. Will something be written into the contract saying no ass-less chaps? Will there be a mellowing out of Prince's dance routines? What songs can he sing? I know a certain song about control that I am sure would raise the hairs of NFL executives.

You have probably already heard about it

Here is the clip as posted by NBC on is the unedited version - just a warning.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I called it after his second game of the season...

And stuck with it even after most of my friends claimed that I was crazy (nothing new there). Conviction went so deep that I put money where my mouth was and thanks to 23 of 50 first place votes Vince Young is the NFL offensive Rookie of the Year. For perspective Reggie Bush had only 3 first place votes and Colston, Vince's biggest challenger had 9.

Now if only the Cowboys could just step up and stop pretending that dropping passes is the best way to win a football game they might have a shot in the playoffs.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Changes to blog

I have made a few changes to the blog (probably nothing that visitors can notice). But the changes should help me with blogging more often and allow for easier commenting. Also with better access to links and streaming video.

Plus I have finally gotten to my picture blog.

At least no one yelled fire and jumped

Fire alarm just went off. Evacuated building, grabbed green card, id, laptop, emergency money stash and ipod and strolled out. Looked to see if roomie had any valuables that I should grab for him. People were streaming out of the building and everyone looked more annoyed than worried.

Monday, January 01, 2007

"Happy New stop peeing on the side of that building"

For the most part the ‘Klique’ escaped 2007 without incident. Celebrated my 2nd New Year’s Eve in America last night (normally in JA for NYE), sincerely hope that mono is not going around LA because I did my part in trying to catch it last night.

I love American traditions that involve you kissing multiple persons…I know the tradition really says you should kiss one person, BUT – by a happy coincidence I happened on a pair of hot young lasses right at midnight while looking for my original group. The chance meeting led to me having a great midnight when I was allowed to make out with each girl in turn and then get to utter the words “Now all together” Thank you MTV Spring break shows for showing me how to act with decorum at alcohol fueled events.

If I had only stopped there maybe I would feel better about how the year started but eh…what is life without chances. Anyway the rest of the Klique seemed to have a great night for the most part, even if it did end with a couple dry whistles and an anguished “Did she really just Say she gives good head?” exclamation.

Sometimes as a group we joke about having ‘Sugar mommas’ and I kid about being an official “G.O.L” (gentleman of leisure) but after last night when those young ladies graciously offered us a spot at their VIP table, which meant that we got to start the New Year’s off with bottle service, I could get used to that life. What I do not think my body could get used to is my polishing off bottles of vodka by myself. Just because it looks like water does not mean it has the same properties of water. But as I told myself last night “Damn it I am bloody thirsty” I knew it was getting bad when I stopped adding chasers because they were starting to taste too ‘sour’. I now know though that vodka mixed with champagne is not bad at all. Still not as good as Kir Royal (champagne and Chambord - Which I chugged a tonne of) but not a bad combo.

While writing this I just found out why random money appeared on the table. Apparently one of the girls was trying to pay one of our group to go talk to her friend, which backfired since he started making out with her which pissed off the chick because she wanted to make out with him.

Thankfully the drunk dialing was kept to a minimum and the drunken stumbles home were accomplished with little incident…except for one member of our group realizing that with his bladder full of alcohol there was no chance of him making it home, so a stop to use the side of a building was necessitated. Only problem with that plan was that the walk was on Hollywood Blvd and this led to the above member of the entourage having to rapidly zip up his pants and run from the boys in blue. Everyone is concerned about the environment but stop to water some plants and cops freak out!

Nothing like walking home with two girls on your arm – the image is great!

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.