Infrequently updated consistently funny

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Bloody insomnia sucks vol 2394.34

Since I am up all night I decided to go through blog posts just to clean up stuff, just found this post in my drafts list, clearly from the title listed below it was supposed to be posted DURING THE NCAAs...not sure why I did not post it at the time, I guess I probably tried to throw the pc out of the window while watching the game.

Anyway here goes.
Original title: Things I learned while watching the NCAAs

Rick Barnes (the Texas coach) hates me. He clearly wants me to die of a heart attack! There is no other way to explain his coaching technique today!

Minorities in commercials are mean to everyone, my old roomie and I used to marvel at the old Ad with the guy constantly being an ass about how great his phone was. Now I see a VW ad where the guy constantly sets off the car alarm.

Former Prez Bush likes Texas cheerleaders, that was the biggest smile I have seen on his face...ever!

Despite the fact the housing market is horrible, we are being told to buy buy and buy more houses.

Though you cannot drink booze at any NCAA games, the NCAA is completely fine with advertising to its core student audience the joy of alcohol.

Those Old Spice (Jackie Moon) 'Semi Pro' ads really suck. Normally I do not see them because of DVR but watching the game live you have little choice but to sit through them and wonder..."Who wrote this crap?"

(Nothing to do with the tourney but I saw a Hilary Swank movie and, seriously there is just something about her face, she is not ugly, but she is not beautiful either, thankfully she can act!)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Birthday

To my little brother (who is not so little anymore) Marc.

Glad to see the progress, congrats on making it through law school, hope to see you this summer.

Bless up!

Obama v Clinton in the wrestling ring!

Rather funny to see both candidates end up on WWE Raw along with McCain to deliver fairly funny speeches.

There was also a staged fight;

Update: Link to a clip of the Spoofed Obama v Clinton fight

Monday, April 21, 2008

Flavor of love recap...for the virgin in you!

Flavor Flav "She said her one on one time with me was like losing her virginity all over again" The first thing that flashed into my mind was "Yeah, painful"

Amazing how easily these girls turn to alcohol, in every show at some pt, when someone is nervous or worried a bottle of alcohol immediately gets drained. This week they had to go on Big Boy's show; now from my little time spent in LA, I remember that Big Boy's show was in the MORNING... Yet while waiting in the lobby one of the girls drains a bottle of Champagne!

Even the show hosts made mention of the fact that she was stinking of booze, at 7.30 in the morning.

Watching one of the girls using a Curling iron on another girl's hair I could not help but thinking 'this cannot be safe, she might snap and attack.'

Hmm one of the girls said she talks to her Grandma 4 times a day, but when Flav asked if she had spoken to her, her response was "Not since on the show" then said there was some family issues...hmm I wonder if it could be "I will never talk to you if you go on that show" I know that would be the issue my family would probably have...of course I am just speculating on the girl's issues (but hey, it is that kind of show)

With a monkey in his lap Flav said "I aint gonna lie but I used to look like him in the 4th grade" I swear the material just writes itself

So as one of the dates there was basically a menagerie in the back yard of the crib. I hate to say it, but damn that was a cool date.

(Oooh update) Turns out my guesses were correct, the chick's family hates that she is on the show! Out of empathy, I hate that she is on the show too. This show should only be for peeps whose families do not care about them or do not care how their family is portrayed. I do not fit in that category and you know what? THAT IS A GREAT THING!

Wow Flav can take a fly suit and ruin it! Let me just state, any and every suit is ruined the minute you attach a clock around your neck!

Flav is getting crazier, and crazier, which is hard to believe but the thing I like is that he still seems sincere (damn it thanks to Flav I nearly misspelled sincere and spelled it the Flavor way 'Sinceer').

UHmm Flav? Since when is France a city? "I am taking my girls to France, the city of love" Maybe we should have someone sit him down and explain to him the difference between Paris and the entire country of France.

Yeah boyeeee!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Cali J + VIP + good friends = vol 1.434

Whoo hoo! Great to see and have the becktator in town. Funny moment of the night; calling my male friend a ho, and having him freak out, because he took it personally and worried that it was true.

It is extraordinary to me that peeps are shocked that I call myself shy, watch me in the club for 10 minutes and you will see it. Granted the young lady who I just met and placed my arm around and sat down beside and nuzzled close to, might have been confused, but I was pretty clear re my shyness.

Monday, April 14, 2008

"She was screaming on the mic just b4 she came here"

The above is how Arsenio Hall (and come on Arsenio you are better than appearing on Flavor of love...aren't you?) described the fact that a contestant allegedly gave her ex some oral (fixation) just before appearing on the 'Reality' show.

Flavor Flav: "Honestly I do not know if I can handle a jealous woman Because I have millions and millions of girls throwing themselves at me"
--Word Flav? Millions of girls throwing themselves at that means that there are millions and millions of crazy girls out there.

I hate myself every week for watching this show, and every week I watch it.

All the girls had their exes show up on this episode. One girl's ex met her on the beach in wait for it...San Diego. Really? That works? I know I am the shy guy but really it just does not seem like the spot to pick up a girl, at least not one for the long term...but what do I know. One of my friends met his girl at a club (where women take their clothes off) and they have been 2gether for FIVE years! I even think they had an Usher know what that is "Make love in the club."

I love that these girls are shocked that their exes call them out or say bad things about them. Heck that is practically the definition of an ex: Someone who no longer can stand "yo stank ass."

(A quick aside, I just saw a clip of the Bachelor that a friend sent to me (which is ironic since I am watching the Ghetto Bachelor at the same time) in it the Black girl had an 'argument' with one of the other girls. I call her the Black girl because that is how everyone knows her, Black women tend not to make it on the Bachelor and then of course this one went OFF! It is like watching the 'mad' Real World, you just sit there and hope someone will not 'show their ass' but sadly it seems only the crazy ARGUMENTATIVE black peeps make it on. BUT, let us not pretend, no race is exempt, most of the peeps on these shows are just crazy and nasty.) Ok back to your regular scheduled Flav update.

The girl named Tree (she is 6'3") wore a shirt with the stomach cut out and the boobs barely covered, hate to say it because I think big and tall girls need love too, but I think that shirt was made for a shorter woman. Then again it could just be that Flav is just so damn short, the whole date just seemed weird since Flavs head was basically right around the girl's bits!

I swear I know one of the Kats that ended up on this show as an ex Bf. I have to research this, I think he is actually boys with one of my friends.

So one of the girls has a problem with men that drink...ok cool...we all have our issues with things that peeps do...for instance the Cali J has a problem with peeps who smoke, hence I do not date girls that smoke...not telling you not to smoke I am just saying I will not date you, not your issue but let me see, you claim to know about Flavor Flav and you are shocked that he is drinking excessively? I empathize that your biological father was an alcoholic, but I do not think that you are going to be the one to change Flav! The man is a former crack head, his lips are black from smoke and he has 7 kids, trust me drinking is the least of your worries.

I maintain that the twin action thing is not cute after the age of EIGHT! And come on heifers jumping on the bed of an opponent...really? That cannot be acceptable oh wait a minute what am I saying? You 2 showed up on a reality show as twins trying to date the same man! Of course you are dumb and hoochieriffic!

(Wow Deion Sanders has a reality show now, all I want is to see a shot of his closet, I know it has to be a walk in closet and it will pretty much have suits in all colors of the rainbow, heck that could be a whole episode of the show, Deion modeling suits and peeps calling in to guess the exact color. "I think you are wearing fuchsia" Deion: "caller that was close but I am actually wearing a lilac/lavender blend with a heliotrope liner")

Ok the show is over, I need another shower, despite just showering after the gym, this show is just so damn sleazy.

On the gym note, crazy uncoordinated chick; was it necessary for you to stand right next to me in Cardio Kick Boxing and then kick to the left when the whole class was moving to the right? Thank goodness I had my guard up or I might have been wiping a shoe print of the front of my shorts...when I stopped panting in a squeaky voice.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

2 guys walk into a bar...and just stare. Vol23

Shout out to Assassin! So the S.A. and I went to a bar last night and had a moment where we both were forced to realize..."We are not as cool as we think we are." So some background. Assassin and I both spotted this amazingly hot girl in the club at the same time, and I mean hot like the lyrics to "I wanna make LOVE in this club" start to make sense hot (will blog about that song later this is just so damn ridiculous).

Anyway, the young lady made us both tongue tied. I am the first to admit that I have no lines, I do not use them, I do not rehearse them, so I have none. In fact when I 'pick up' a girl in the bar, it is usually an accident, like for instance I am making fun of something she did and it amused her, or, she picked me up but was nice enough to make it seem like I was the person making the move (I like that women try to save men's egos while knowing all the time that they are in control).

I mean this chick had us wrecked to the point that we played Rock, Paper, Scissors (discreetly of course) with the proviso that the loser had to go talk to her...Assassin lost, and he still has not said word one to her yet.

One of the best parts of the whole situation was that at one point the young lady looked us over, and then sat in a chair by the fire pit, directly infront of Assassin and I (we were at Altitude). So this meant that the young ladies head, (well the back of it) was directly at our crotches. I am just shy of 6 feet (6'4" with the fro) and Assassin is I think (6'4"...or something like that I can never remember, just know that he is tall).

So you would think that having the young lady right 'below' us would spur us into action...but nope, all it did was have us stare at each other and insist that the other should go talk to her. We then started trying to run through scenarios to get her to talk to us. Of course you would have expected normal peeps to conduct this in whispers but not SA and I, we conducted the whole conversation in normal bar tones. For the hottie to not have heard us she would have had to be deaf...yeah that is it she was deaf, that is why I did not spit game to her...not because I am a coward, but because she would not have been able to hear clue what Assassin's excuse is. But that is mine!

So I guess the gist of this blog is to say...Assassin is a coward and he cannot pick up a girl even if she is deaf and practically has her head in his lap!

And the Cali J might be kind of weak at it too...might

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Rock Chalk Jayhawk...and good friends

You know good friends are the ones who make you tilt your head, crinkly your mouth into a wry smile and say..."I need to avoid these people."

Tonight I watched the Kansas Jayhawks step up to the plate and provide us with a great national championship game! The last second shot by Chalmers to send the game to OT was amazing. Maybe now the big 12 will get some love. We put 2 teams in the Elite 8 and one team won it all. We are more than just a football conference...though we are great at that too.

Anyway after the game which was viewed at a brewery (but I did not eat or drink...I was still full from lunch) I headed to the gym and while at the gym received a call, ordering me to the bar that was next to my back the old blogs and you will see where I both lamented and rejoiced the fact that a bar was literally on my block.

Let me back track, part of why I did not eat at the brewery was because I ate so much for lunch I was still full at dinner time, and since I had, had a drink with Delz during lunch it just did not seem practical to consume more alcohol. Of course after working out, the boozing restriction seemed less important.

When I went to the bar, my original intention was just to meet up with my friends cry mercy and go home to eat dinner since as noted above I had just worked out and needed nourishment. Instead once I entered the bar I was handed a G and T and it went downhill from there. The great thing about neighborhood bars is that they let you bring in outside food etc. I have never been carded at 'The Box' and I have never been hassled, so I went and got some snacks to eat inside the bar since their kitchen had already closed. And because I live Soooooooooooooooo damn close I actually ran upstairs to burn a CD for my friend while my next G and T was coming.

In fact when the neighborhood bar knows you, you can order a drink, take it to your table then leave the bar to go get the cash to pay for the drink...try doing that in a Gaslamp bar! On purpose though, I avoid the box unless others invite me to go there, and I NEVER drink alone, I maintain that rule.

But despite the pretense I loved spending time with my friends, it was great watching the game with the old USD crew and great hitting the Jewel Box with K and J, and it was fun playing the non-peacemaker role with the Twins for our late night Balboa Park excursion.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Canada will NEVER win a war...

So I always joke with my friends that we worry so much about Mexicans creeping into the country that one day Canada is just going to invade and take us all over.

Well after watching this video, I take it all back! This is a clip of some French-Canadians (the French war jokes just come too easily) firing a missile, the video is not doctored in any way, and the missile is real!

War is not funny, but damn this almost makes it seem like it could be.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Of Jamaican bomb makers and Music you should get...Estelle

Ok so I have to admit that when I first heard that a Jamaican had been held in an Orlando airport my first thought was "wow he must have had a tonne of drugs for this to make the news." Then I heard he had explosive material with him and I thought, "they must have gotten this wrong, no way a Jamaican tried to get on a plane with bombs". Then I found out it was explosive material, not put together and realized, it was probably much ado about nothing. BUT, in this post 9/11 world it is had to brush off any incident. Clearly this poor guy is messed up, The Jamaica Gleaners story about him, makes me realize there is no way this guy was going to hold it together much longer.

I am pretty certain that I am more sympathetic to him because he is Jamaican. I also think some of it has to do with the fact that he is flying with a beard that looked alot like the beard I flew up with. Plus, I am convinced through my non-scientific, scientific poll of just the people and stories I know, that going into the military and going to Iraq, completely messes with your brain.

I am also somewhat inclined to believe his story
that he planned to blow stuff up in Jamaica and show his friends how to blow things fear is WHAT HE PLANNED TO BLOW UP!

You should cop the Estelle album 'Shine' I am a big fan of hers. I am telling you to get the album even though I have only heard about 5 songs of hers. Look I have never steered you wrong on the blog. I know my music. While I listen to a lot of junk, my recommendations are always good. You will not regret getting her album. When I finish listening to it, I will tell you more, but her stuff is good. I would have gotten through more but I keep listening to the same songs over and over again.

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.