Infrequently updated consistently funny

Monday, July 30, 2007

Insight to the Cali J, 100mph and self therapy through driving

Just a basic insight into me: I hate losing friends; in fact I really cannot stand losing friends. I will do crazy things to try and keep friends, to the point that I will walk through East Village (home to SDPD’s headquarters and constantly patrolled by cop cars) with a golf club on the way to visit a friends house determined to make sure that should unpleasantness arise from 3rd parties I am ready to ‘play through’.

I cannot always explain what is going on in my mind and heart. I am generally cold and calculating, I agonize over decisions and tend not to be ruled by passion, BUT unfortunately for me, I sometimes have flashes of red hot insanity run through my brain. Let me explain that a little bit, I sometimes after thinking and re-thinking something will suddenly just go with whatever flashes in my mind. For instance one night in the club (without any alcohol in me) I met a young punk that outweighed me by at least 40lbs the guy was really pissing me off, but I knew that under normal circumstances there was no way I could win a fight with the kid so I calmly walked away then suddenly felt myself running through the club and flying at the kid boot first…nothing rational about it I just attacked the guy deserved it, but prior to that I thought I had convinced myself that a fight with him was not going to happen.

That somewhat explains tonight, I knew such a night would come, I knew I had to make the visit and I knew that the visit could be awkward, and potentially bad. I knew all of this while I was walking down the street whistling and pretending that I was Tiger Woods. So what did I do? I arrived at the home and left the club in the car. Why? Because though passion might have flicked in my brain while I was leaving the house and told me to grab the putter, rational thinking said handle it with words when I got out of the car.

BUT, when pissed off I am a crazy man behind the wheel, and I always always take out my anger when driving. If anyone knows the interchange from the 805 to the 15 highway you will know that the sign says take it at 35mph, I took it at 87mph and had to fight like a mad man to rein the car back in AND I LOVED IT. Those tires left a great streak on the road and helped to clear my head, I came out of the curve and punched that car up to a 100 and by the time I got close to home everything was ordered in my head.

Should this have been the last night we ever speak my dear…It was a good run I had fun, I think you did too and no matter what I may have done, at least I stayed honest.


Related to the above post...explicit lyrics

"I need a Ryde or Die Chick"

"Yo, when you see Sheek, don't look at me as Sheek from The L.O.X.
Look at me as that cat that know how to box
Know about glocks, know about slingin' them rocks
Know about runnin' from cops and switchin' up spots
How to get rich, know about thuggin' a bitch
Fuck 'em in the park, fuck a sweet as the Ritz
They like that shit, and I ain't gotta spend no checks
Fuck diamonds, all they really want is rough ass sex"
--Ryde or Die chick by the Lox feat Eve

Mark Teixeira to the Braves

Looks like my Atlanta Braves are finally improving their offense.

Congratulations to my cousin Andre

Big ups to you on your nuptials. I love that in a significant portion of your pictures you look like you are stoned, must be a family thing.

Anyway congrats again...way to make the rest of the male cousins look like bums for not settling down.

Simone, my money is on you for the next in our generation of cousins to get hitched...remember my warning David.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Fun with David Blaine (fake)

Since I already think the real David Blaine is a caricature I am happy to post this...

"He put it in my mouth...what the eff"

Rumor has it...

That Michigan wants to play Texas in 2012 and 2013 in place of their ND game...could my dreams actually be coming through? Would I really get to talk smack to my dad in the middle of a season? Come on Michigan, don't just sing it...BRING IT.

Reefer Madness huh?

Interesting when you scroll to the end and see who the research involved and the source of some of the material

Just read harry potter

Much Props to Assassin for providing the book. Very good read, nice way to end a series.

I am not the type of person to spoil a book for others by posting about it's contents; I would just say, go get the book if you are already a fan of the series.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Beyonce's Fall!

So you may have heard of Beyonce falling during her show, and the fact that all the you tube videos have been pulled, but this site still has the video. It is hard to imagine that she did not break something in this fall...just amazing.

"No seriously, the drugs in my pants pocket are not mine"

"I mean, I know I have a history of doing drugs. And I just came out of rehab that I was free to leave at any time and in fact, left it and went partying in the middle of treatment. But, the drugs in my pants are not mine. Forget the fact that I have assistants who could carry drugs for me. Forget that most peeps would probably stash the yay in their car, forget for a second that the person I was chasing pulled into a parking lot ONE block from a police station so I knew I was in a bad spot...I am too smart to be walking with my own drugs in my pants. You have to believe me. I would like my privacy at this point."

Seriously, you have to love Lindsay and her responses.


I just heard a great joke on the tonight show and it made me think of you. "I am not going to say she is an alcoholic that is not nice, she is a shop-a-holic, and she buys alot of alcohol"

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

"They try to make me go to Rehab"

Apparently in Lindsay Lohan's case, rehab is just a different way of saying "watch how dumb I will act next time."
I would love to use a phrase like "I cannot believe she got busted again" but then I would be lying. I actually have just being wondering what was taking her so long to get busted again. Cynical I know, but practical. I love that she was supposed to be wearing an alcohol monitoring bracelet. Guess it does not detect 'yay'.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Good Luck to all my peeps taking the bar.

One year ago I went through the stress/drama/awkwardness/general boredom/uncertainty/freaking out, that you are all going through. Good luck, relax, breathe and you will find that you know more than you think you do...and if you do not? Well chances are the kid beside you does not know it either.

And remember when stumped on the ethics questions just think: What would the Cali-J do? The opposite might serve you best as an answer.

He's back

The Cali-J is back from his family reunion. Will blog more about it later. Still tremendously tired...had a great time in Orlando, fun city, felt like it was 100% built for tourists.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

When it rains it pours v.2.43

I love my folks, I am supposed to pick them up on Friday but I have NO CLUE when they arrive because everytime I ask Pops their arrival time the response I get is "Friday sometime, I will look it up and tell you" and peeps wonder where I get it from. Thing is, most peeps would be deterred by this or even get mad. I instead will just hop online and find every flight coming in from the rock to Orlando, factor in my Dad's unwillingnes to leave the island early in the morning and pick the right flight. Last 2 times I did this I guessed the right flight, until I fail that game I will continue to play it. Man I miss his old secretary, it was so comforting to just call her and have her tell me the itinerary (hope I spelled that right, I can never get that damn word) of any member of the family.

So I am the white (refuse to use black here)sheep of my generation of cousins (the family is large enough that there are 3 distinct generations of cousins) and as such am known as the corrupting force. My reputation was not helped by the fact that my only posting on the message board on the reunion website that has been up for ages was to ask peeps if they wanted to hit the clubs on Friday night. I know the reunion agenda says meet and greet, but my personal agenda says meet and drink.

You really should see our reunion site, over a hundred family members are expected, peeps from Australia to Macca bush, and they have actually decided to serve booze! The only flaw I find with family reunions is that for the entire time I am in a city that is having a reunion I refuse to hit on any girls in the city. I do not care if they blatantly look like an eskimo and have no way of being connected to my family I still refuse to chance it. I have over a hundred cousins on my mom's side (her reunion) and I have not met over 50 of them I WILL TAKE NO RISKS. I once warned my cousin (a teenager at the time) when we were both at the wedding of another cousin and he started to point out another teen that he thought was hot, my words to him were "Dude that's your cousin, we are at a family function, hit on no one here".
I will never end up on Jerry Springer...

So I started to check on clothes to take to the fam reunion, flight is in about 20 hours or so. Damn insomnia has me up. Anyway, I decide to start packing jeans only to realize the pair I liked and wanted to take was ripped, so I put them aside and grabbed the back up pair, those are also ripped, so I went to the back up of the backup and yup u guessed it. So now I am pulling jeans off the bench reached for a pair that I rarely if ever wear - they have a huge stain down the front. Reached for a brand new pair that still have the tag on and - realised why the tag was still on them, those suckers will probably only be worn by me if I am starring in a musical or going to an 80s party ("I will take things the Cali-j thinks are over-rated and belong in the past for $1000 Alex).

So now of course, because I am Mr. Last minute it now means that I have to go shopping the day of my flight. I actually think that I might just fly out in is a red eye after all. Then just purchase jeans while in Orlando - they have to be cheaper than here in SD and it gives me something to do when I pick up my mom (this way I get to score points with the parental unit since it will look like I am taking her shopping when in reality I hate Malls and would rather watch Assassin try to explain the meaning of 'doubtful' than go to the mall - actually watching Assassin explain 'doubtful' is pretty funny since it led to a shouting match between us and then a stream of apologies and then words like "Ok Let's drink...sorry I digress).

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

45 DAYS 2 HOURS 45 MINUTES to TEXAS' 1st game

I love this ad.
I nearly cried after that game...the bastards won by 12.
Honestly I am so excited for this season I would sacrifice Assassin's left pinky for a perfect season.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Cot-Damn politics is getting hotter and hotter.

I love this 'dance off' of sorts between the Obama Girl hottie and her crew and the Giuliani Clique. This is how campaigns should be really run.

How to eat 2000 calories and not feel like crap

Today's meal listings and menu as part of my continued desire to be healthier and improve my life.
2 waffles (kashi) Calories 170 Calories from Fat 27
Syrup Serving Size 1/8 cup Calories 55 Calories from Fat 0
1/2 cup of grapes Calories 55
Scrambled eggs Serving Size 2 eggs Calories 199 Calories from Fat 137
mid meal Snack:
Pudding cup tapioca Calories 34 Calories from Fat 9
some carrot sticks: Calories 52 Calories from Fat 3 (had no idea there was fat in carrots)
hotdog with ketchup, mustard, relish Calories 242 Calories from Fat 131
Mid meal Snack:
Plum Calories 40 Calories from Fat 0
(here is where I clearly make up for the cut in calories I have designs on a 2lb sirloin)
Sirloin steak: Since I cannot imagine eating all of this I will probably have half so Calories 920 Calories from Fat 298
2 cobs of grilled corn: Calories 59 Calories from Fat 4 total 118 and 8
Late night:
Ice cream 1/2c ( I know I know but I cannot help it) Slow churned cookies and cream. Calories 120 Calories from Fat 36

This will give me a 2005 calorie day, and if you combine this with the fact that I am going to work out I will be at a pretty decent amount for the day and should burn weight. Plus for some of the listed things I will probably eat less than the amount I listed, for instance with that heavy a breakfast I will probably skip my mid meal snack.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder...and to me this is a BEEE-YOOOUUU-TEE-FULL thing.

Only question that remains is: "Just how raw will I eat it?"

Monday, July 16, 2007

I think a little piece of me dies...

Sometimes when I hear some of the true feelings of friends of mine, and what they think I want from them. Ok to be honest I can eliminate my male friends from this.

A friend said something to me tonight re what she thought I wanted from her and it came like a douse of cold water...therein is a hint as to what she thought I wanted. I swear I was not even thinking along those lines (regardless of the myth that we think about it every few seconds).

Sunday, July 15, 2007

One word


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Apparently I am charasmatic...

When it comes to trying to hook my friends up at the bar...when it comes to myself, eh not so much.

Had to love meeting the Stanford girls while hanging out with the Berkley Kid.

Tomorrow feels like a Cougar hunt!


Friday, July 13, 2007

So Beckham has officially arrived in America.

I really like the fact that Beckham will now be playing in LA, couple hours drive and I could go watch a game. All that being said, I lost a tonne of 'guy respect' for him when I discovered that he has a TRAMP STAMP! Click on view more pictures and you will clearly see it in the pictures that show his back.

I do not care that it is the name of his kid. A tramp stamp is a TRAMP STAMP!

(By the way I love them on chicks...but that is another story)

Thursday, July 12, 2007

A funny video of Greg Oden...well if you know who he is

Shout out to my basketball heads like Baker, AXA and Scot T.

Can there really be any doubt at this stage that Greg Oden is 50? He does not know what a podcast is and he is a teenager? Come on that is hard to believe...I love the splicing in of the 'Pic' and the Humpty dance. Chris Paul's cameo was awesome.

Younguns, Scaring old ladies, and cranky weight loss.

Oh Emma Watson...April 15th next year cannot come soon enough. If you know what I mean by that then welcome aboard the "I am somewhat ashamed of myself cruise"

"I'ma kill you all, like o.j. Diss maganoo, for real you must pay"

So those lyrics jumped to my mind tonight while in the gym when this old lady gave me a horrified look, at first I was a bit confused then when I went to the restroom to wash my face I burst out laughing. I quite possibly looked like I was in their (stereotype) to rob the place: Braided hair all over the place, a beard that has not been shaved in almost a week so it still has the faint outline of the shaved in "gangsta lines" while carrying the unkempt look of the desperate and down on luck topped off with a raggedy t-shirt. All that was left for me to do to complete the experience would have been to ask her if I could 'walk her home'.

Just a warning to those that have to come in contact with me for the next week...I might be rather irritable. I need to shed about 10lbs in a week: So I bought pounds and pounds of fruit and veggies and will be cutting out refined sugar...yes I know I could have done this naturally and safely over a longer period of time, but what would have been the fun in that? My bro and I had a weight loss bet and he is ahead of my pace by 5lbs, granted in many ways the bet is unfair since I was sidelined for almost 3 weeks with an injury BUT "losers make excuses winners make it happen" so now I have to play catch up...

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Things to consider 7.11

I cannot believe that I now actually have the valid concern of "I wonder if my hair is dry enough, so that I can lie down on my pillow"...I did not realize just how much hair I have until I took my braids out.

Apparently I got more sun than I thought last week since my forehead is now peeling like old wallpaper.

Today is going to be a great day gastronomically, Korean BBQ for lunch (mounds of meat) and then for dinner, Jerk BBQ chicken pizza with an Asian Salad (have to at least try to be somewhat healthy)

I should never ever...ever, 'eva eva' buy cookies again. White chocolate chip cookies were created by 'the man' to ensure that people like myself cannot fit into clothes. I bought a pack of cookies that claim 2 cookies per serving, 12 servings per package, last night. I now have about 4 servings left...damn it.

Either my cousin has been kidnapped by aliens or I am going to kill him for not staying in touch (yes I have conveniently forgotten that the phone works both ways...I am older by 4 months, just like my brother is older than his by a couple months...weird how that worked out...the younger should stay in touch with the elder...I called last)


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Sick bastard had 'relations' with animals

I cannot understand what would make anyone consider having sex with an animal. It was no shock to me that a mental evaluation had been ordered. I really, really hope that (and sorry I know the animals are going to suffer for something that is not their fault - have to throw that in even though let us be honest if they were going to be slaughtered for food isn't that essentially the same thing?) none of those animals that were 'assaulted' will be used for food production.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Bought a toy today

So today I purchased a Transformer toy. My stated reason is that I purchased it to then give to a child, but now that I have played with it a bit...I am not so sure that I am ever giving this thing away...I forgot how much fun Transformers could be. Problem is, girls frown on seeing toys in a man's home and let us be honest I am single and cannot risk turning off any female stepping into my apartment.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Friday, July 06, 2007

My 4th of July..bit long; ez to skim

The fourth of July was crazy this year, it is crazy every year but this year unlike last year (Bar Studies) I could actually attempt to enjoy it. Sand Assassin (“SA”) and I rolled out to the beach area like 1 out of every 2 San Diegans. Now I know not every one in SD could have been at the beach but it sure felt like that. The day actually kicked into high gear when I was told that one of my friends was hurt because her ex was now sleeping with her ‘mortal’ enemy and the enemy was now moving to another city to be with the ex. Of course that meant that SA and I had to drink in support of her – poor thing. You have to realize this was not a frienemies (friends in private enemies in public) situation this was actual hatred between the 2 girls and I am friends with everyone involved. On the plus side it gave me an opportunity to talk to peeps I had not talked to in awhile.

So SA and I rolled out to PB in the afternoon cocky and confident that we would find parking, well the cockiness never disappeared but the confidence definitely waned, cars were parked everywhere, some in such locations that you would have thought Lindsay Lohan was playing Valet in PB. We finally on a Cali J whim double backed to near the beach and lo and behold found a spot that someone must have just vacated – so we ended up with primo parking that we did not deserve, but the Cali J is blessed. Later in the day we met a meter MAID and asked HIM (yes they are all ‘maids’ in my mind) how many tickets he had given out, this was early in his shift and he had already given out over 100 parking tickets, he was one of a ton of meter maids that I saw…the city cleaned up yesterday.

I saw people charging amounts for parking that I thought was retarded like $90 and $70 and my thoughts were “No one will pay for that” I was wrong:
“Sup man”
“Seriously 70? Is anyone actually paying that?
“I have sold 2 spots already”
“Damn…ok keep doing your thing”

Thing is if you were willing to pay between $70 – 90 you might as well just find a spot near where you want to be and park illegally since the ticket for parking in the alleys was only $47 and according to the maid yesterday “Man I am seeing so many that I just let a few slide” (yet he had already given out over a 100).

Logistics aside it was definitely crazy once we got to the beach area, allow me a moment to lapse into the Cali J’s rap persona: “Damn G honeys were everywhere I mean everywhere, you couldn’t turn cause tits were all up under your chin, some of dem B’s were rocking ’fits that looked like they took my doo rag and made a pattern to cover some skin. I was in eye-candy heaven son, I mean G I looked and I looked and I saw more Silicone than di valley, all I wanted to say was ‘A bay bay, a bay bay’.” That is of course why I will never be a rapper, but in much more gentlemanly terms there were beautiful women (many artificially enhanced) everywhere however, I did not hit on any because I am lazy and had planned to meet a young lady that we had arranged some stuff with. BUT I am lazy and not willing to walk from PB to MB after a day of drinking…yes I am kicking myself now especially since the words on the phone during the middle of the afternoon were “I really want to see you, it has been too long since we saw each other.”

Ended up at my boy’s party on the beach that was ridiculously packed, thousands showed up, including an international DJ to spin on the 1s and 2s.
Quick synopsis:
- Some whore threw my boys $400 prescription glasses of the balcony, my words on hearing this “Did she break her back when you threw her after them?” If you are a regular reader you know I am not cool with just calling girls whores etc but this one had to be, you do not randomly throw someone’s glasses over a balcony no matter how drunk you are.
- Some idiot in a Mohawk got “Knocked the F out” A mini fight broke out, a good Samaritan came in to break it up, Mohawk guy tried to sucker punch the good Samaritan and missed (note if you try to sucker punch someone you BETTER connect or suffer the full deserved consequences). The good Samaritan then unloaded a punch on Mohawk that instantly broke his nose and sent blood everywhere (Yo SA I found blood on my shorts, I knew I felt a splatter during the incident), he then uncorked 3 more quick savage blows before being dragged down and Mohawk literally crumbled to the ground and went into the fetal position, it was over in an instant but damn it was like when Shamrock decided to trash talk Ortiz and looked for half the fight like he was going to leave in a body bag.
- SCARIEST MOMENT OF THE DAY…I got hit on by a high school girl. Quick disclaimer: nothing happened as soon as I figured things out I walked/ran away. So this is what transpired. While we were talking this girl mentions that she needs to stop drinking because she has to study I asked what she told me I then mentioned that it did not sound like a college course, she said she was a senior doing summer school, something clicked in my brain I asked where she said “X High School”. The worst part about that is that high school seniors do not do summer school so that meant she was actually a Junior heading into her senior year…I could not get away from her fast enough.
- Fireworks were alright, nothing spectacular; I am still waiting for the day they spell my name out.
- Ended the night finding out that my ex has been sleeping with some guy for 8 months and then came to me for advice re troubles – I am way too cool an ex.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Took a 3am walk

Had a rather interesting talk with the X while walking.

It has been a crazy week for girls that I used to date, hinted at dating, pretended to date or denied dating.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy 4th of July!

Go have safe fun peeps.

Just booked my rental car for the Family reunion. I think I have everything covered now: couple hotel rooms; so the parents have a spot and I have a spot: Flights booked for bro and I, rare that we travel together: and finally an SUV so that everyone can fit in the car and I can accomodate my mom's shopping parcels.

Really tempted to get Disney World tickets since I have never been to Disney Land or world...but I doubt I will.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

"Pinche pendejo wey!"

Props to Minh for the link... Very funny video of a kid being an ass to his friend, it is not all bad, the fat kid ended up becoming a mini star and even got an ad out of it.

Link to the Ad

R Kelly is at it again.

But this time he has 'trapped' Usher with him.
As the folks on Best Week Ever mentioned, you have to love the fact that they toast over finding out that they were sleeping with the same girl...then again who does not do that?

Monday, July 02, 2007

Who says rap never has a positive message?

So I hate the fact that they drop the N-word constantly but beyond that it is a pretty funny video.

Props to the Rose bush for sending me this.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Happy Birthday...

Swiffer Sheet V.

By now I am sure you are so drunk that you would not be able to read this...

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.