Infrequently updated consistently funny

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Could Keiva the Dancehall diva really be my gym inspiration?

Feeling lazy after a late night last night, but have to hit the gym, so I watched some old Dancehall clips, saw this one of Keiva the Diva, check out 3:21 into the performance. Off to the gym to get fit again. Caan dance wid dem gyal if yuh body nuh ready!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

'Bigger Stronger Faster' and is Clay Aiken going to be a daddy?

TMZ is reporting that Clay Aiken has impregnated a 50 year old woman via artificial insemination. My friend's first words to me when I told her "Clay Aiken got someone pregnant" were "Isn't he gay." Well whether he is or not, this seems to be right out of the Michael Jackson play-book.

What I find even crazier than the above story, is...How does TMZ get these stories (and so quickly)? Man that kid is going to have to look out on the playground.

Below is a preview of the new movie coming out, it is about the fascination with steroids and athletic pursuits. I joke with my friends all the time about taking roids, but I would never do it...unfortunately many cannot leave it at jokes about getting bigger.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

"4 asian girls pull up in a car and holler at me" and the Cali Jamaican became Jamaican

Sometimes you just have to go; "Beast Mode Activated." Anyone who knows me closely knows that I have about 2-3 regular accents. I have the accent that I pretty much use everyday, I have the accent that I pop out when peeps say "You do not sound Jamaican" and then I have the real accent, the one that pops out when I am stressed, mad, angry, excited or talking to anyone from the island.

Anyway, to start out the night on Saturday, we were rushing to get downtown because we were guestlisted for free drinks (and everyone loves free!). Anyway, turns out Saturday night was the worst night to drive downtown; let us add up the situations 1. Jazz festival, 2. memorial day weekend, 3. A saturday night in SD, 4. Padre game in town, 5. Grandma driving (ok that last one was a jab at Rose bud). So the frustration levels are already pretty high. Well we decided to park at Horton (who recently changed all their parking policies - SOBs) trying to get into Horton however was a nightmare, the stoplights would constantly change and we would not advance. Then we noticed why we were not moving, a moron parking attendant was standing in the middle of the road and just letting all the cars out of his parking lot to enter the road which basically just stopped traffic dead.

So I am sitting in the passenger side just fuming, (remember free booze is being wasted and I hate traffic) and thinking 'this guy is a moron' and 'why has no one run him over yet, he is not a cop, he cannot stop traffic.' So the light changes for the 4th time and we have advanced 3 car lengths, and suddenly...the fuse just BLEW: I just saw red, and could not control myself, the window was down I was leaning out and yelling "bumboclaut man what the ra$$ you seh yuh a do? Get out of the bloodclaut road and stop blocking traffic." To which the parking attendant, said the wrong thing...maybe not the wrong thing to someone who is calm, but definitely the wrong thing to a Jamaican man who is already annoyed with your performance "What do you want me to do?" Oh damn, CaliJamaican completely dissolved and only Jamaican was left, it was Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

--"What do I want yuh to do? I want yuh to do yuh rassclaut job, I want you to get out a di bloodclaut street, b4 mi mek yuh get out a di bloody street, yuh know what, mi a guh help yuh get yuh rass outta di damn street"

So at that point I started reaching for the car door, handle, but damn it Rose bud had it closed, so I pressed the lock release, she locked it again (smart girl). I should let you in on some surrounding things, at this point every car around us had stopped (yup your boy was yelling that loud) so our car was actually able to start moving meanwhile I am still so pissed that I was trying to exit a moving vehicle. The combination of actions was like this: Leaning out of the window, yelling, pointing with right hand, reaching back with left to unlock seatbelt, sliding over to fiddle with the lock mechanism and trying to make sure I could reach the guy outside.

Best part of my anger is almost always a flash in the pan (kind of like J-Kwon's career "Eeerybody in di club getting tipsy"). By the time we drove around the block to our parking spot (cause clearly we could not park at that guy's lot) I was already laughing about the incident. Thankfully things like that cannot put a damper on my nights,in fact it kind of just spiced up the night.

So our boy eN-Zo who has always been great to me in terms of getting us into spots got us into his bar for the night. Thing is eN-Zo and I have not really seen each other in about a month, most times we are just passing each other in the street for a quick 'hail up'. When he saw me on Saturday he was amazed by my weight loss, and commented on it (more on that later).

So anyway, J Stew and Rose Bud, were both trying to get others in the club later so I suggested they go to the balcony area to talk to eN-Zo, I figured it would be a quick move and they would be back soon, BUT, they left me alone, and I got attacked. There is a certain type of girl in SD that loves me, my close friends can prolly translate 'B girls love B Men.' And to help my casual readers, my parents will never accept me bringing home an obese woman. Heck my dad already thinks I am fat "nobody trusts a fat lawyer". Well this young lady was aggressive to no end, to the point that I ran out to the balcony, yup I ran, no shame there, I am just not the type to rebuff women, so I tend to hide away.

(J Stew loves this girl, later in the night, she thought J Stew and I were together and she gave us both an amazing shrug, I mean to the point that if a guy had done that to me, we would have had to knuckle up, heck J Stew nearly went Hulk on her)

---So I explained why I suddenly appeared and eN-Zo did exactly what I would have done, he mocked my situation "Come on man, you get fitter, start to look better and now you are picky". Hahah how can I counter that? I mean the timing was perfect.

I now blame eN-Zo for causing my actions for the rest of the night.

Later in the night I had to move the car, (I refuse to pay that pound of flesh price of $2 per 15 minutes when there are so many better parking options). Before I got the car I needed to get validated, no one validates anymore at bloody horton so I snuck into the office at the gym and validated myself, come on it was a Saturday night and I work out 6 days a week, I think they can just count that one as a freebie.

Whilst moving the car (and Rose bud swears the car is what caused it, not me - note though the car is a camry, at least 8 years old, good, great even, but it does not have that swag) 4 Asian girls pulled up beside me in the exit lane. While waiting in the line, they were all taking pictures of themselves and chuckling to each other. My windows were down so I could hear what they were saying...and my night was made, heck my month of May was made! "Oh he, is cute", "yeah he is really cute" "hehe" "talk to him". So I started looking around, cause I had to figure out what was causing the convo, I even for a second considered 'maybe a pix on the camera'. Then one of the girls in the backseat looked directly at me and I think made me blush "Hey you are cute, give me your number right now!"

Normally at this point, I would have made up some lame excuse, (I never give fake numbers) or just laughed and kept on driving, but for some reason (eN-Zo probably) I actually held up traffic long to give them my number, and even have a brief convo. Before I could even make it out of the parking lot, I started getting text messages from the ladies...yup, I think I could have floated the few blocks back to the club after parking the car. How the text messages ended my weekend is my business...

Sorry for the length of the post, in fact I am sure there are a tonne of mistakes throughout it, but I am watching Tila Tequila (this was actually supposed to be a blog about the show but I figured we can all take a skank break this week) and I think it probably robs me of brain cells.

I was going to blog about the worst dancing girl I have seen in ages, but that will have to wait this post is already too long...just note, J Stew and the Ivy both agreed with me on the atrocious dancing, every song cannot have the SAME DAMN dance move! (Guess that is a bit of blogging about it)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Recap of the Flavor of Love recap...just kill me now!

I said I wouldn't do this, but I knew I was kidding myself. (Plus Kami forced my hand). So here it is, I have to blog about the FOL reunion show or as BET would call it "A hot ghetto mess".

Ever wonder if Flav spells the girls names so crazily because he cannot actually spell? Grayvee, Bunz, Myammee just to name a few.

Seems like the only time I see Lala is when she is hosting one of these shows, wonder how this is listed on her resume.

Ouch to start it off Ice clowns Flav, then has to mention "I am still working at hooters" hmm, you sure you want to be clowning peeps?

"You aint cute enough to tell a bitch her breath stink" -- Good job Sommore

Damn it Flav, cleaned the dome, I enjoyed making fun of his hair, kind of hard to make fun of a shaved head, since I rock that style.

Ouch, apparently Shy is losing work because peeps think her breath might stink and will not want to work with her...hmm could it be that it was a bad idea to enter Flavor of Love...I would pick only one answer YES!

"I'm not an alcoholic, but I need a drink" uhmm, yeah I am going to say, you are an alki.

Is there really a dude in the crowd wearing a Viking helmet...yup Cali J I will answer that question for you, there is a moron in the crowd wearing a viking helmet, and it is not even Flav.

Interesting that Sinceer added some new chesticles: I wonder if those are to distract peeps from staring at the 5head. I mean I know it is cruel to make fun of someone's physical appearance, but let us keep it real, this woman is vindictive and she is not cute enough to act that way. Oh man, I just paused my DVR to answer the phone and it paused while Sinceer was opening her mouth really wide to argue at someone and the light is also shining on her forehead, it kind of looks like those clips of when an airplane opens up the cargo hold to let in tanks. All shiny and HUGE!

Strange, I always thought that Seezinz was only able to act tough, but for a second I saw a glint of that "I'll cut ya bitch" in her eyes.

Something is up with Black, she is almost looking masculine in the face...I think she might have lost weight and lost a bit of her luster.

This show sucks, (sorry Kami) there better be some great twist coming up, cause right now I am kind of bored, Lala sucks as a host by the way. I meant to say that up top, she sucked, last year, she sucked the year before. I mean come on, how hard is this, these chicks practically do all the work for you, just let them loose and let them roar.

If Thing 2 ever ends up missing, do we have to first suspect Thing 1 (her sister)? Interesting, all the ladies seem to have lost weight...wonder if the whole camera adds 10lbs thing got to them when they went home and saw themselves on TV.

This is trifling, dude how could you have a 7th kid sitting at home but still running around on TV claiming that you are looking for love with umpteen females? Come on Flav I thought better of you. Oh wait a minute (Give me back my computer), for a moment the Cali J was possessed by ridiculousness. Of course Flav would have a newborn at home and run around on TV looking to hook up.

Oh come on, how could any self respecting woman sit there and see 'her man' run around with all these girls and still be cool with 'her man' just coming back to her? Something does not seem like 'reality' here. Flav's woman was just too willing to accept the flaws...then again maybe I just do not know what love is.

I will let Talib Kweli play us out since maybe these lyrics explain it all:
"I don't care what people say
As long as you and me okay
Because I never been in love before
See I used to be a player and
All of this is new to me
And this ain't what I'm used to see
Because I never been in love before"

Friday, May 23, 2008

Vince Young caught drinking and shirtless! The shame?

Pix from

Ok, ok, first things first, everyone knows I am the biggest Texas apologist! But peeps need to calm the hell down about the VY pix and stop acting like he is a bad role-model to the kids for being in a club (21 and up) and having a drink like any guy in the club would.

He was in a club in the ATX, it gets hot, peeps shed clothing, hell a whole damn song by Nelly was made over this same activity and it became a hit! (Hell when I was fitter, I used to shed my shirt in the club, now I just have to sweat it out).

I did not rip Leinhart for his pix and I refuse to rip Vince for his. Now if you show me a picture of VY pouring syzurp down some under-age chica's throat, I might have to come up with an excuse, but this one is just too basic to get the uproar that it is receiving.

Apparently the reason (and I hate that I even have to address this part) that you do not see that many females in the pictures but rather a lot of men with shirts off, is that they were in a VIP area. A few females were there but the line letting them in was restricted for fear of the groupie types. Hey, that shows good judgment!

Anyway, here is the link that has the story

(Now the R Kelly trial, that is something else, will have to blog that later)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Kobe cheating on his wife again? And are there really pictures?

Normally I would wait for more sites to confirm this but I am pretty pissed right now at the Spurs losing so I will mention the fact that there is a rumor circulating the inter-web (I know I know but I just like using that phrase 'inter-web') that Kobe cheated on his wife Vanessa, with a Laker girl named Vanessa. Apparently is the original source of the rumor.

It is hard to believe that he would be so crazy to not only cheat on his wife again but to do it IN HOUSE? I mean damn dude, if you are going to cheat and you play for the Lakers' as their highest profile player AND you were previously in a much publicized affair (ahem, Colorado rape, allegations *cough*) would you really cheat with an EIGHTEEN year old Laker girl?

The following is from the [We reached out to Vanessa and the Laker’s organization to get statements. The Lakers claim that Vanessa resigned from the squad to pursue a “hosting career”. Vanessa obviously did not want to speak… though BTW she has a sexy voice!

This DOES NOT pass “The Dirty Smell Test”. If you are 18 years old, lived in Hayward, CA, are the hottest of the Laker Girls and your team is in the NBA playoffs… WOULD YOU QUIT DURING THE PLAYOFFS???? EXXXXXACTLY!

SHE IS A HOT (5.678234) 18 YEAR OLD AND HAAARD TO RESIST PLAYING BALL WITH! Vanessa Curry The DIRTY ARMY Salutes you… Please touch our knees and was it consensual? Just Sayin’.]

The point they brought up re quitting to go 'host' is what the sports radio heads are now blaring on my radio at 2am (damn insomnia), no way does an 18 year-old Laker girl suddenly just quit during the play-offs.

I have to add this, apparently a friend of Vanessa's claims to have pictures of Kobe and the young lady together. It has not yet been explained what kind of pictures they are. I have to hope that even if he was cheating he was not crazy enough to take "pictures". The pix will probably be something like Kobe walking past the Laker girls and smiling while they hopes.

Can he really afford to buy his wife another ring, didn't he drop like 4 mill on the last one?

Another rumor is that Kobe does not have a pre-nup...please, please, please tell me that is not true!

This all reminds me of the time that Kobe accused Malone of making a pass at his wife...I guess he would know the signs. Malone himself is such a shady guy that I would not put anything past him especially this line...Malone's agent, Dwight Manley, told the Los Angeles Times on Sunday that Malone was asked by Vanessa Bryant, "Hey, cowboy, what are you hunting?" in reference to Malone wearing a cowboy hat and boots.

"She said it twice," Manley said, "and Karl answered, 'I'm hunting for little Mexican girls.' "

Will be fun to watch this play-out especially while the Lakers play my Spurs.
Here is hoping for San Antonio in SIX!

Monday, May 19, 2008

My final (hopefully) Flavor of Love review! Plus some muppets!

It begins with our hero saying, "This is the final season finale of Flavor of Love" hmm, maybe until Flav needs money? Then again he has a sitcom now...

Ok this is going to be a horrible mixing of classic shows. Everytime I watch and see Thing 2 (and it was the same for when NY was on the show) all I can sing is "Dance your cares away, Worry's for another day. Let the music play, Down at Fraggle Rock. Down at Fraggle Rock" look I know she looks like a muppet, but for some reason those shows are always linked together in my mind - probably because of the Jim Henson ties.

I know you might not believe me when I say she looks like a muppet so your man has come with proof (oh no, I am definitely starting to talk like Flav, I need to crack open a book of Shakespeare). Ok click on this link for a picture of a muppet Now click on this one for a picture of Thing 2. To be honest I was tempted to link both to the muppet, but then they are practically the same thing anyway.

I love the fact that Flav made Black and Sinceer argue it out for a spot to stay...nothing like a fun intelligent cat fight...hahahah (I wrote those words and I am being sarcastic but even as a joke they still look horrible).

Flav takes Black on a helicopter ride, and then INHALES her whole mouth...seriously, what the hell! How could he be this old, and hav kissed this many women and not know that there is no need to swallow her face...or maybe he has the right technique?

Hahah, Flav fell asleep while they are on their date. The young lady is shocked. I cannot understand why she is shocked? Flav is as old as her dad, and it is the afternoon, old people like to SLEEP in the afternoon.

Flav: You banging, but most of all, you banging on the inside...
Black: That meant alot to me cause I know I have a lot to offer, other than my looks?

Yup, you are right, you have the ability to be easily impressed to offer, the ability to not question the fact that you are dating a man that looks like a 5 foot 6 cockroach, a man who just fell asleep on your date.

I feel bad for her right now (and that is hard for me), Flav just demanded that she tell a joke and she drew a blank. Here is the thing, I am a naturally funny guy (and modest too) but everytime someone demands that I tell them a joke I draw a blank. I think I give them a better look than the deer in the headlights look that Black had, but I still draw a blank.

"I am going to end this date with a night cap in my room, will you join me?" I think by now the words are like a legal statement required by VH1 so no one claims any coercion later, but never have I even for a moment expected one of these 'ladies' to say no, that kind of saddens me, it has destroyed my illusion of their chastity. I need a moment, Black is about to be deflowered in the tower (ignore the fact that she already has a 6 year old kid).

Jelaine said that Flav looks like a pimp...and you cannot disagree with that, granted my claiming that he has a 'stable of hos' was a mere confirmation. I know I did not have to put that whole line in, but this is my SHOUT OUT to Jelaine!

Shout out to Kami too, she was one of the first to agree with me re the muppet, as well as be my constant back and forth analyzer re shows. (Sorry Erin no shout out to you tonight, this is not an Idol blog)

Back to the show, Flav and Thing 2 are taking a tour, of Paris, and at one point they pass the police station and VH1 cuts to old footage of flav being taken out of a police station in handcuffs. I bet you do not get this on 'The Bachelor', I can only guess, I have never watched that show, must be too classy for me. Did they just show Flav littering as he exited the tour bus? Yup rewound it, they did, come on dude, you are being taped, have some class. You know, like having sex in the dark with the cameras still in the room.

Hahahah The Door man said "Prince, I love your music, Purple Rain is my favorite album" maybe we all do look alike? Maybe he is just a moron? Maybe Vh1 just put fake words on the screen? Nah, could they really take that chance with so many French speakers in the world? I spoke the barest minimum of french in high school, I guess I could go back on the tape a couple or 20 times and figure out what he said, but I am too lazy for that.

Wow Thing 2, he gives you a watch, and you ask this question: "this is for me, like I can take it and put it on my wrist and it is mine for ever?" Does this chick not get the concept of gifts, or does she not get the concept of a watch? I mean she did ask if it should be put on her wrist!

Are we sure this is Thing 2? How do we know Thing 1 did not lose weight and show up? I mean, when Flav asked her what does she like to do, her response was "I like to eat." I'm not saying, I'm just saying!

OH WOW, Thing 2 just told him "No" re his night-cap! Hell even Flav just said it "No girl has ever said no to a night cap in the history of Flavor of Love" A lesser man than me would go back and remove a few paragraphs in this blog, but I standby them...then again, I am still blogging who knows I might remove my declaration of always knowing what the girls would say to the night-cap offers. After all, who could factor in the reason she gave for not doing the night-cap. Not because it is wrong, not because she wants to wait for the right time, but because she got eliminated once and does not want to fall for him again...uhmm did u not come back to the damn show?

Flav is wearing a crown and all I can think of is "Dunce Cap"

"I hope that my man Flav is smart enough to choose someone with a big heart, instead of bigger boobs" This girl should write for the President.

Oh they are making their last speeches, I am getting choked up right now, ok not really, in fact watching these girls try to give sincere (whew nearly spelled it like the girl's name) speeches is as painful as watching Barbara Walters try to talk about sex.

Quick aside: Barbara Walters is a freak, you know it, I know it, and a certain Black Senator who thought he had her keeping things on the creep knows that we all know it now.

Look anytime a man wears a clock, he is going to look ridiculous but this clock tonight is extra special (like short-bus special)

And of course the gold fronts were presented as a gift. Nothing says love like periodontitis.

Damn I just wrote the title of the blog and now see that the reunion special is coming up next week...

I wonder how Thing 1 is going to handle all of this!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Cali J and Sand Assassin vol 2.3435

It was good to roll out with the SA tonight. I snagged us VIP access to a party 2nite, gift bag and all. This allowed us all you can drink privileges, hence the SA is now fast asleep on the CJ's living room floor.

This may not have been the best opening line "You jingling baby". Oh well, still better than just staring, and hoping. I would blog more, but I am lazy, tired and also extremely secretive.

But I do like the fact that the bar hooked us up with free food to go with the free drinks, that is classy and something the Cali J can always get down with.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Suge Knight "Got knocked the f#$k out"

Let me say this off the bat, Suge is such a scary man that even posting this gives me shivers, cause really the man is psycho, but seeing pix of Suge knocked out is just amazing and it has to be shared.

What I love about this is that Del Geezy and I hit this spot up back in the West Hollywood days and instantly stepping in knew it was a ghetto-club. Expensive, but not the kind of place that you want to take the mother of your child! For instance the big event we went to there was Lil' Jon's birthday party.

Anyway here is the link to the pictures for your enjoyment

If I were the guy that managed that punch I would lay low for a bit. Word on the streets (and by the streets I mean the internet hip hop boards) is that Suge and his posse jumped the guy demanding his cell phone. After recovering from the K.O. Suge was heard demanding the cat's cell, which I guess could help trace the guy. Lay-low son, it is cool to mess Suge up, it is not cool to drive down the strip in Vegas and mysteriously have no witnesses to your murder!

P.s. do not call your phone hoping to have it returned, just let it go.

Bill O'Reilly goes NUTS!

If you find Bill to be as pompous an ass as I do this clip will make you laugh.
I am always amused when he pontificates about others in the media that he conveniently ignores his past as an Entertainment 'anchor'
The first vid was pulled, so here is a new one, apologies to those who tried earlier

I love Olbermann making fun of it

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Eva Mendes topless and toe sucking

Thanks to Kami for the link!

I commented to her that it is somewhat rare to see an established actress taking topless shots like this. Kami does not seem to be a fan of the work.

Not really sure what to make of the whole shoot, I think it could have looked better but I am not as adamant that she looks 'dead and wax like' as Kami so eloquently put it.

I think I am also amused at the fact that they are posted on Huffington post. That blog has blown up in ways that I do not think even Ms. Huffington expected.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Team USA got no hit in Softball and a funny vid of peeps litterally jumping into pants

Bit ironic that the chick that no hit them was one of the last cuts from the Olympic team. I am glad Kat Osterman was not pitching in this game this way she does not have to figure in that pitiful box score.

Who says you need to put your pants on one leg at a time?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Hmm more of A Shot of Penicillin, recap vol 34.4345

"All my stripper friends All my ex-boyfriends We all want the same thing We all want the same thing" look any show that starts with that as a theme song is clearly going to be of course it has to be no shock that it is the theme song to 'A shot at love with Tila Tequila'.

I confess, I have pretty much stopped watching regular TV in favor of reality TV. You might ask why? Well I will tell you why. Much of TV right now sucks anyway, I spend most of my time on the internet trying to improve my chess game, I currently have games going against peeps in India, Australia and Britain as well as of course peeps here. Well reality TV is easy to watch while doing work, or on the net playing chess or anything that actually requires concentration. Plus, it is funny and it makes me feel better about myself! It is the same reason I used to watch Jerry Springer, nothing I can do in my life will ever be as bad as some of the stuff I see nightly on TV.

Anyway back to ASALW Tila Tequila, there was a challenge, and some of the parts of the challenge had stages such as 'bobbing for Blue Balls', 'jump in the pool for Pearl Necklaces' and a 'slip and slide'. If you do not understand the lame sexual innuendo there then bless your heart, you are an innocent.

I take it back this show does not make me feel better about myself, it makes me feel AMAZING, these morons just had a panty raid.

Did that cat really get mad that after he called a girl a whore she retorted with "Your mother is a whore"? Dude you called a chick a whore, you should know at that stage that everything is fair game.

"It felt like kissing a dead frog!" Hahahah, oh man, I worry all the time that I am not a good kisser but man I hope no girl anywhere will ever say that about least unless she is mad, all is fair in love and war.

(Please note, though I might watch a decent amount of Reality TV, I will NEVER watch that show 'Farmer wants a wife')

I have still never puked in my life, but wow, watching everyone on this show puke at the same time is kind of gag inducing.

Is it pc to laugh at the fact that the lesbians as part of their challenge had to eat pigs vaginas? Does that even count as pork? Heheh one of the lesbians just said "I am going to go balls out" I know I know it is just a saying but it really sounds funny to hear someone say that while eating...pig's vagina.

I know the PUs (parental units) want me to get married but shows like this have me worried, I mean this is what women are like, right?

Hmm, stripper, softball coach, waitress, yeah these are not the stereotyped jobs at all.
Here is how little I care about this show, someone got eliminated and I am not even sure who.

Remember, keep it warm for the Cali-J, the 30th is coming up in 1 year and a few, you know how we DO!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Empire strikes Barack

Bloody funny. Thanks to the innocent one Erik, for sending me this great link.

Just an example of the craziness that happens in my city

Read this link on a kidnap and murder and torture plot that happened in San Diego and Tijuana.

The sheer craziness of the story is just something that if you offered this as a script it would be denied.

Living on an avocado farm: check
Selling shady cancer cure: check
Meeting in Horton Plaza food court to discuss a kidnapping plot: Check
Ex-KGB agent (and it is not a Tom Clancy novel): Check
Pliers and duct tape: Check
Jealousy, cheating and confused investigations: Check
Heartache and very little resolution: Sadly, Check.

It kind of annoys me that Mexico would not extradite that murdered unless they were promised that he could not get life in prison!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Flav of love 'seezinz' 3 recap vol 1

I was told by a friend (Kami) that I had to blog this week of F.O.L. so here goes.

The show starts off with previously on Flavor of Love and it again shows the mom of one of the girls basically urging her daughter to go after Flav, that is called...BAD PARENTING! We all know I love Flav as a character but if my daughter (hypo) ever came home with someone like him...I have failed as a father!

Seriously this girl has a forehead so huge they could start showing drive through movies on it. Hahahah as soon as I typed this the next clip shows her wearing a bandanna and oh man, it is like watching someone trying to tie a table cloth around a house, yeah a square might be covered but it all cannot be blocked out.

Did France know what it was getting when Flavor Flav showed up? Or did they know, put up a resistance and immediately surrender to the invading force? (Sorry I had to do it) Cot damn I miss Paris.

Watching these 3 girls try to come to decisions by themselves is what I imagine happens when you try to split 2 marbles among 3 spoiled brats.

Hahah, this chick is clearly a moron, you are invited out on a boat by Flav who loves to swim and you wear only the top of a swim suit and not the bottoms?

You know what, seeing Flav without a clock is kind of weird, you get so used to seeing that appendage.

"What the fu@k is a soirée?" Oh gosh girl, please do not open your mouth to speak anymore.

Hahaah the MC at the ball room in French just called Flav "MC HAMMER" (I probably should be offended by this [all look alike and all that] but I find it too funny)

Seriously, if your forehead is too big for you to even have bangs what do you do? Do you audition to be a Klingon and just tell them that u can save them a tonne on makeup?

A thing you have to love about this show, even the sub-titler has a problem trying to type out what these chicks are saying! Sometimes I cannot understand what they are saying so I throw on the subtitles and many a time...that does not help.

Still amazing when any of these girls are surprised that another girl is stabbing them in the back. If I fell into a pit of snakes I would not be shocked if I got bitten.

Listening to Flav and one of the girls try to speak French is an exercise in torture, I am now firmly convinced the French had no idea what they were doing when they let him in.

"The perfect way to end a french lesson is with a french kiss!" Aww that is beautiful girl. Damn Flav truly inhales these girls when he kisses them. It is a crime against nature to see beautiful women on this show. Wait, let me consider this. Would it be better to dilute the Flav gene pool with a hottie or have the Klingon breed with him and keep both of them out of the normal gene pool.

"Your man Flavor Flav has got a problem; I got a psycho stalker, I got a drama queen, I even got a girl who likes to pick fights" And the Cali J has got a headache, you picked these girls, no crying now.

I tend not to put the girls' names in the blogs cause I notice I tend to spell them differently so many times. For instance one of the girls is named after the color she was wearing when Flav met her, Black. But I think Flav spells it Blaque, but I cannot swear to that, it might be Blacque after all it is the mind of Flav.

And now we have the return of Thing 2, I kind of suspected it, it just seemed obvious to me. Hmm you know what she looks a lot like a muppet, I suspect that is why Flav likes her, after all NY looked exactly like Ms. Piggy, maybe that is what Flav is into!

I leave the elimination blank cause, well it just does not matter, plus it gives you a chance to see it for yourself.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Happy Birthday

To Jackie,
You helped me through law school, and I will never forget that! Now it is with deep regret that I must remind you that you are still just another victim, so in honor of you I will defeat some scrubs in Tekken!

Friday, May 02, 2008

Yoga makes me crave ice cream vol3.5354

So I find yoga extremely challenging. I work out 5 days a week and I do yoga about once a month, yet every time I do it, it basically kicks my ass. I still cannot find Downward dog to be a resting pose, I feel much more comfortable in Cobra and of course the Child's pose.

Anyway, it amuses me that as strong as I am getting from weight lifting, I still cry for mercy if I have to hold a pose for 10 seconds...but at least it is making me limber.

What is crazy is the fact that I pretty much lose all the benefits of the work out by coming home and gorging on Friendship bread and ice cream.

I have been trying out gourmet cooking the last 6 months, hence why I have to work out so much (like I say to my friends I do not work out to get skinny, I work out to fit through my front door.)

But I realized that this fascination with cooking might be getting too strong a hold of me. I just spent half an hour watching and re-watching a video on gourmet cookware. Granted the price of the 30 piece set FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS means that I will NEVER buy it, but a man can still look at it and salivate.

Remember peeps, start gearing up for the Cali-J's 30th, a year and a few months from now, it is going to be LEGEN...

Blog Archive

About Me

My photo
Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.