Sometimes you just have to go; "Beast Mode Activated." Anyone who knows me closely knows that I have about 2-3 regular accents. I have the accent that I pretty much use everyday, I have the accent that I pop out when peeps say "You do not sound Jamaican" and then I have the real accent, the one that pops out when I am stressed, mad, angry, excited or talking to anyone from the island.
Anyway, to start out the night on Saturday, we were rushing to get downtown because we were guestlisted for free drinks (and everyone loves free!). Anyway, turns out Saturday night was the worst night to drive downtown; let us add up the situations 1. Jazz festival, 2. memorial day weekend, 3. A saturday night in SD, 4. Padre game in town, 5. Grandma driving (ok that last one was a jab at Rose bud). So the frustration levels are already pretty high. Well we decided to park at Horton (who recently changed all their parking policies - SOBs) trying to get into Horton however was a nightmare, the stoplights would constantly change and we would not advance. Then we noticed why we were not moving, a moron parking attendant was standing in the middle of the road and just letting all the cars out of his parking lot to enter the road which basically just stopped traffic dead.
So I am sitting in the passenger side just fuming, (remember free booze is being wasted and I hate traffic) and thinking 'this guy is a moron' and 'why has no one run him over yet, he is not a cop, he cannot stop traffic.' So the light changes for the 4th time and we have advanced 3 car lengths, and suddenly...the fuse just BLEW: I just saw red, and could not control myself, the window was down I was leaning out and yelling "bumboclaut man what the ra$$ you seh yuh a do? Get out of the bloodclaut road and stop blocking traffic." To which the parking attendant, said the wrong thing...maybe not the wrong thing to someone who is calm, but definitely the wrong thing to a Jamaican man who is already annoyed with your performance "What do you want me to do?" Oh damn, CaliJamaican completely dissolved and only Jamaican was left, it was Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
--"What do I want yuh to do? I want yuh to do yuh rassclaut job, I want you to get out a di bloodclaut street, b4 mi mek yuh get out a di bloody street, yuh know what, mi a guh help yuh get yuh rass outta di damn street"
So at that point I started reaching for the car door, handle, but damn it Rose bud had it closed, so I pressed the lock release, she locked it again (smart girl). I should let you in on some surrounding things, at this point every car around us had stopped (yup your boy was yelling that loud) so our car was actually able to start moving meanwhile I am still so pissed that I was trying to exit a moving vehicle. The combination of actions was like this: Leaning out of the window, yelling, pointing with right hand, reaching back with left to unlock seatbelt, sliding over to fiddle with the lock mechanism and trying to make sure I could reach the guy outside.
Best part of my anger though...it is almost always a flash in the pan (kind of like J-Kwon's career "Eeerybody in di club getting tipsy"). By the time we drove around the block to our parking spot (cause clearly we could not park at that guy's lot) I was already laughing about the incident. Thankfully things like that cannot put a damper on my nights,in fact it kind of just spiced up the night.
So our boy eN-Zo who has always been great to me in terms of getting us into spots got us into his bar for the night. Thing is eN-Zo and I have not really seen each other in about a month, most times we are just passing each other in the street for a quick 'hail up'. When he saw me on Saturday he was amazed by my weight loss, and commented on it (more on that later).
So anyway, J Stew and Rose Bud, were both trying to get others in the club later so I suggested they go to the balcony area to talk to eN-Zo, I figured it would be a quick move and they would be back soon, BUT, they left me alone, and I got attacked. There is a certain type of girl in SD that loves me, my close friends can prolly translate 'B girls love B Men.' And to help my casual readers, my parents will never accept me bringing home an obese woman. Heck my dad already thinks I am fat "nobody trusts a fat lawyer". Well this young lady was aggressive to no end, to the point that I ran out to the balcony, yup I ran, no shame there, I am just not the type to rebuff women, so I tend to hide away.
(J Stew loves this girl, later in the night, she thought J Stew and I were together and she gave us both an amazing shrug, I mean to the point that if a guy had done that to me, we would have had to knuckle up, heck J Stew nearly went Hulk on her)
---So I explained why I suddenly appeared and eN-Zo did exactly what I would have done, he mocked my situation "Come on man, you get fitter, start to look better and now you are picky". Hahah how can I counter that? I mean the timing was perfect.
I now blame eN-Zo for causing my actions for the rest of the night.
Later in the night I had to move the car, (I refuse to pay that pound of flesh price of $2 per 15 minutes when there are so many better parking options). Before I got the car I needed to get validated, no one validates anymore at bloody horton so I snuck into the office at the gym and validated myself, come on it was a Saturday night and I work out 6 days a week, I think they can just count that one as a freebie.
Whilst moving the car (and Rose bud swears the car is what caused it, not me - note though the car is a camry, at least 8 years old, good, great even, but it does not have that swag) 4 Asian girls pulled up beside me in the exit lane. While waiting in the line, they were all taking pictures of themselves and chuckling to each other. My windows were down so I could hear what they were saying...and my night was made, heck my month of May was made! "Oh he, is cute", "yeah he is really cute" "hehe" "talk to him". So I started looking around, cause I had to figure out what was causing the convo, I even for a second considered 'maybe a pix on the camera'. Then one of the girls in the backseat looked directly at me and I think made me blush "Hey you are cute, give me your number right now!"
Normally at this point, I would have made up some lame excuse, (I never give fake numbers) or just laughed and kept on driving, but for some reason (eN-Zo probably) I actually held up traffic long to give them my number, and even have a brief convo. Before I could even make it out of the parking lot, I started getting text messages from the ladies...yup, I think I could have floated the few blocks back to the club after parking the car. How the text messages ended my weekend is my business...
Sorry for the length of the post, in fact I am sure there are a tonne of mistakes throughout it, but I am watching Tila Tequila (this was actually supposed to be a blog about the show but I figured we can all take a skank break this week) and I think it probably robs me of brain cells.
I was going to blog about the worst dancing girl I have seen in ages, but that will have to wait this post is already too long...just note, J Stew and the Ivy both agreed with me on the atrocious dancing, every song cannot have the SAME DAMN dance move! (Guess that is a bit of blogging about it)
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- Cali J
- Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.