Infrequently updated consistently funny

Friday, December 30, 2005

Streets is getting hot and the youths them a get so cold...

Too lazy to blog so just cutting from an email I am sending to my bro

Sometimes I think someone in Jamaica is planning a war that I don’t know about. Because the amount of guns that are floating around and the amount of killing that is going on I have to feel peeps are practicing. They have decided to turn video games into reality in this country. If you own a PS2 and live in Jamaica it appears to me to be a waste of money to buy a 1st person shooting game when you could just grab a 45 put on some bling have a couple visible Benjamins hanging out a pocket and head down town and stand in the middle of Princess street and decide that you going to walk from there back to New Kingston, I guarantee you all the live action real time shooting you want. Don’t forget to liberally sprinkle in some “Go suck yuh mudda bwoy” and some “Eh batty boy/fassy holes” for effect. Also at certain points in the trip make sure and this is key; switch political allegiance be a Laborite on some streets and a Comrade on others that is guaranteed to bring in the one’s who don’t want to rob you but are willing to use a gun to show you the joys of voting…vote or die indeed!
     [After I left a party 4 houses down fr ours 3 shots rang out at a car, I had just opened the house door to get in, I missed it by 1/2 a minute]

5 days till TEXAS v F.U.S.C.
Quote of the day from my inner monologue “She used to be cute and now she is ugly, maybe my eyesight improved”

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Of lyme, toe sucking and Texas fight

It is so good to be back, I had forgotten the value of a good lyme. It was great to do the blogger link up and talk to peeps that were only online entities. I had missed just going to an open air bar and not having to worry if I going to be frozen solid in 10 minutes time.

     When I was a kid mom used to warn me not to leave chips etc out because they would get soggy, but I guess living here I never really noticed how dramatic the change wrought by the humidity was, plus we have lived so long in the ‘cultured’ air of Norbrook that things just naturally keep better. But, kicking it last night for a bit in the plains I was amazed at how rapidly Pringles and Cheetos changed from crunchy to just soft enough to be gummed.

     So the 6 million dollar man and I were at a birthday party for a bit last night and the disses were flying around in rare form, plus the action was that of an orgy w/o the actual group sex. It is strangely disturbing to watch a friend put on the full Daddy Mack mode in front of you: The “want me to suck your toes” line crossed the line brethren. Hey, I do not judge how u get yo freak on is yo bizniss but the rest of us do not need to hear about it, especially not at a birthday party.

     Speaking of toe sucking; I need a freak. Apparently everyone else has one, judging from the various convos I heard last night at diff places…seems like they are a dime a dozen, even my ex has one: May she R.I.P.

     I am so nervous about next week’s game it hurts. What makes it worse is that my bro is talking smack to me which is his right: After your team wins 2 titles in a row, you have earned a certain right to belittle your little bro’s team. How much is a speeding ticket in Jamaica now? Cause I have to go out of town during the day and I have already warned the parental unit that we are setting land speed records on the way back in. 6 Mill you waan come fi di flex? My mom looks on the rivalry between my bro and I re our teams as “CUTE” CUTE? While I grant you it’s not a blood feud like I would have had, should he have gone to say Tx, A &M and less than the “I wish he would die” that it would be if he had gone to OU it is still more than just cute. Last year I didn’t speak to him for almost a month after they won, I can’t imagine how bad it will be this year. Though it TEXAS wins I will understand if y’all want to strangle me by day 2.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


At what point do you admit that your life has gone downhill? Is it after plans go out the window or when dreams are dashed? Is it just when you don’t get what you want or when what you want to get is impossible to obtain?

Monday, December 26, 2005

They’ll miss me when I am dead!

As my dad re-iterated yesterday, we do not fear death (conviction that we will abide with the Lord upon passing from this plain). It does not mean that I am ready to die now, but I do not fear death. I guess I do however fear the consequences of death. Such as the grief it causes those around, the mess that it can leave behind e.g. the estates, the squabbles, and the possible pain that might come if it were an unpleasant death; like say you were with your wife and your kids are home but y’all decided to take a chance and sneak into the shower for an escapade, then she slips on a bar of soap while your intimately engaged and by doing so she slips to the left pulling you forward and driving your head into the shower head with such force that you bleed out, but because she slipped she is now stuck with a broken leg and a dead husband on top of her and no choice but to call to the kids for help…
Anyway to the title of the post: I sometimes have a rather morbid tilt in my way of thinking. This is probably the last extended vacation I can spend in my home country, and I have been well received (the last thing it has been is relaxing but such are the trials of coming down during a major Christian vacation time – the next couple weeks will chill it out I hope) for the most part. Thing is sometimes I look around and realize that some of the peeps I have come to see, do not care to see me as much as I cared to see them or thought I cared because upon touching down and receiving the cold shoulder…I realized that the romanticized version of our friendship I had was just that…a version. My core friends are just that the CORE we are tight, we stick together and we remain true. But many of the outlying friendships, I realize are not what I remembered. One of my friends I had not seen for 6 years, and judging from the emails we had exchanged one would have assumed that our next meeting would be the “Hey how are you doing give me a hug type” while in reality our meeting was the stilted “hey…” “uhmm nice to see you again”
I think my priorities in friendship are wrong…or maybe I have become too Jaded again: I tend to break my back reaching out to peeps and when a simple response is not returned it tends to make one harden just another piece of their heart. For instance, my idea is always that if someone comes to visit, you do as much as possible with that person for the short time they are here to the exclusion of the normal riff raff that you get to hang out with everyday because the visitor is the one whose time is precious. For instance when the Princess of the ATX visited (Merry Belated Xmas Z) I took time from the Slave mill and we kicked it and I turned down dinner invites, and it was awesome because I got to kick it with a friend. But, I have noticed that in the cases of Shotta and myself we are getting better responses from peeps we barely know and our core friends, but the out lying groups almost seem like they are trying to keep our drinks chill via their shoulders.
     If it sounds selfish – it is.
Then again it’s prolly all our faults for reaching outside the comforting cocoon that is the ‘Brook.

My brief synopsis of ‘Smirnoff Experience’ since Shotta told me he already blogged about it: Who knew the human body could hold that much alcohol…we need ‘all you can drink’ in SD.

(In arguing with a Lesbian, is it an effective comeback to say: “Choke on a Dick and Die!”?)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

What is the Life?

I love the life I live right now; I am on the verandah right now staring across the Kingston harbor and the weather is currently 78 we are kicking it in shorts sandals and jerseys. Visibility is about 20 miles the city lights are on and there are no shots in the air. This is the LIFE.  

The Jamaican

This is the longest I have gone without writing a blog in a very long time (nothing like a wireless network – thanks Shotta). So I have returned to the land of my birth the country that someday one of my colleagues will one day rule (I have no doubt of that…I went to a high school that culls from the crème de la crème and went to UWI albeit for a minute when movers and shakers) and I love being back. I have truly come to dislike Christmas, not what it means but the trappings that invariably come with it. Despite my protests I was forced

(FORCED I tell you: I know I have a strong personality and it can wear on my friends and annoy my enemies but damn I am as a lamb to the slaughter when up against my mom…a basic part of the exchange Cali-J; Mom I tell you I am not putting up lights this year
Mom; Just put the lights up now so you won’t have to put them up tomorrow
Cali-J; C’mon mom I don’t want to put lights up this year
Mom; Boy hurry up and put the lights up, on this tree and some on that tree oh and definitely that tree over there
Cali-J; Yes mom (grumble, grumble grumble)

…to put lights on trees outside. Despite telling the parental unit that I refused to put lights up over 1700 lights later I realized that appearances must be kept up. One of my friends once told me that they knew my house because it was the house in Norbrook with all the Christmas lights. In years past (thanks Shotta) we have put up upwards of 5000 xmas lights on various trees around the house. Our damn yard would be so lit up that u didn’t need an address to find my house, thankfully this year I was able to beg off having to do more than a few trees with the excuse that the other trees have grown too large and will not effectively display the lights (oh and that JPS has gone crazy with the electricity bills that peeps are getting).

Anyway I wish all a Merry Christmas (despite my rant) and a prosperous New Year especially the Texas Longhorns. Nutty P lookout our bet is still on and so far I am holding up my part of the bargain. To all the girls I loved before…die slow ok I am kidding Merry Xmas to you too

You really did ruin my life…

My High school reunion is in 8 days; should be fun to see who shows, how they show and who still hates whom.

What the hell is my cable company thinking providing me ESPN deportes instead of regular ESPN; granted my knowledge of Euro Futbol has increased exponentially (did you know PSV rules Dutch football?) but I have not seen an NBA highlight in 6 days.

Wow my Chargers beat the Colts! AMAZING good ole’ SD ruining the perfect season for everyone!

To the Jamaican bloggers and any others nearby lets link – Shotta and I would love to meet y’all

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A Picture Share!

Clearly the movie did not affect me as much as i thought. In airport starving. In the island tomorrow. Open invite to anyone who wants to stay in jamaica

Just walk that you can!

You know, I am all for getting back on the horse when you fall of it…but when you skydive and the chute doesn’t deploy well and the backup provides little to no protection AND you fall face first, I think it is a sign from GOD…SKY DIVING IS NOT FOR YOU! Check out the fact that they found out after that she is pregnant, just an amazing story all around.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Stop super sizing

Damn, of the 15 fattest cities in the nation, Texas has 5 including the #1 city Houston. I know I am a year late in watching ‘Super Size Me’ but damn this movie is rather informative…though at the same time much of this is nothing new, yet it is good to see the reminder and I know many others have no clue what is going on in it. It is a good film to watch if you have not seen it. As I am typing this the director’s girl is talking about their sex life…lose weight, work out it is good for you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Finals finally done...for me!

You know it's a good night when there are more peeps sleeping on the couch and floor than in beds.

Monday, December 12, 2005

MPRE scores are out!

Check at your own peril.

Amendment: If you had your admission ticket sent to a yahoo email account, the information was probably sent to your bulk mail folder.

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Damn the chic in the cubicle behind me smells nice, a combination of fruit scents. Mmm good!

Pampered 1Ls

Why the Rass are 1Ls getting out before 2 and 3Ls. That just seems like asking for trouble! We all know that the 1Ls are going to be drinking their asses off in the parking lot and there will always be those one or 2 dozen kids that forget to lower their voices when the exams are over. Why is it not like my first year where 1Ls were forced to go till the last day of finals?
     Have 3Ls not paid their dues to this school…evidence at 8.30am on a Friday morning and now exams till the end of the week, man that sucks for y’all!


Richard Pryor

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Heisman Result

Another Bush has won a close vote!

Going back to the hood (ok not exactly)...

Straight outta Norbrook, a young brother who aint a crook! Hmm doesn’t have the same ring as Ice Cube screaming “straight outta Compton, crazy mother fu@*er named Ice Cube” So what If I lived in the hilly suburbs of Jamaica, I can’t wait to get home, I am tired of cooking every  meal for myself and spending tons on sushi, plus I need to detox. Who knows maybe as I stop over in the nation’s capital I will get a chance to see snow for the first time in my life.

Heisman presentation in 40 mins come on Vince Young!

That Dominos pizza ad with the kids living in the dark and getting ‘lamp time’ is High-larious!


I would like to thank Duke for reminding us just why they have been the top team in college basketball for 2 decades. But, damn did you have to do it at the expense of my team…oh well as I said to MS basketball does not matter to us until Football is over. See you in the tourney!

California code section 22...blah, blah blah!

Damn it…it is 3.30am I am making no headway in my studying (no surprise there) and I can’t sleep (wow ‘nother shocker). I have a neck so stiff it hurts to look to the right…would be bloody easy (easier than normal) to kick my ass right now, just stay right and jab. Only thing making this night go well is the fact that I just linked with a friend from the old days in the ATX (I love the internet’s ability to help us connect).

I can’t wait for sushi this afternoon, spicy tuna and some cali rolls with enough Wasabi to make a brother two-step. Yes! That’s the way to start any day of studying, and hopefully during that time the Horns will be kicking the Dukies ass!

Screw all the damn international airlines for reducing the weight of checked in bags from 70lbs to 50lbs. Dicks that’s an almost 30% reduction you assholes.
Mi rassclaut shoes each feel like they weigh five pounds…to the peeps I promised product that is measured in weight, your xmas gifts may get left at the airport in Jamaica when I try to return.

Sugar we’re going down!

My condolences


Friday, December 09, 2005

Just a few blurbs to break up your studying routine!

In one week the Cali-J will be in Jamaica…can a Jamaican take his own country?

Vince Young (leads the nation in passing efficiency with a 168.6 rating ) won the Maxwell award as the nation’s top player, Reggie Bush has won the Walter Camp award setting up Saturday's Heisman showdown.

Saturday will be a match up of the top 2 teams in College Basketball, #1 Duke v #2 Texas. 1.30pm on CBS…Texas has never been #1 in college b-ball is this the week?

FINALS SUCK I know I know everyone says it, but damn it I mean it!

Did I mention one week? Current temp in Kingston, Jamaica at 5am local time the temp is 79 degrees an expected high today of 85!!!! Shotta wi a hit di beach early and often.

Currently 57 degrees in San Diego, with a high of 69 degrees not bad if you have to be stuck here!

I’m dreaming of Rum and Coconut water…and good friends…if peeps have requests for things from the island (and I actually know you) let me know I will gladly try to bring things back up for you.

Re the above: marijuana is NOT legal in Jamaica and I will not be bringing any back for everyone…I mean things like coffee (best in the world) etc.

The Stanley Williams thing shouldn’t be a debate.

Can there be a freakier way to die than a plane sliding off a runway to hit your car? That’s just rough. Good thing I love flying.

Man, Christmas is rough on the budget plus I never have a clue what to get folks.

Easy on the Christmas carols damn it, it’s still weeks away.

And it’s Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays no need for the uproar y’all both can be used.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Blow it out yo Ass!

So next semester when I do the blog that recommends classes etc, maybe I should include a section for the amount of lube required to go through each particular class’ final. Cot damn that was a reaming!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

That time of the School year

Free hugs to all who don't even need to ask, if you come up to me and put your arms around me I will figure out the intent! GOOD LUCK ON FINALS ALL.

Happy Birthday...

Johanna...give 'em hell on that Corp final!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Monday, December 05, 2005

Rambling post...finals have me aggitated damn it!

Well talk about an action packed day…finally figured out when the Cali-J would be returning home. I leave Cal on Thursday and get into Jamaica on Friday and from that point on the Hedonism kicks off. Why am I so determined to enjoy it all to the fullest? Well in a 4 hour span, I have pissed of one friend to the point where she won’t talk to me, another called to inquire if I/we were still friends, an ex doesn’t trust or believe my motives and finally I lost a friend completely. Not my choice, I do not believe in betraying friends or in ditching them, as mean and sarcastic as I am I know that words are just words and for me to cut someone off as a friend they would have to do something egregious.

To let you in on how forgiving I am of friends, this particular ex-friend (and once again I told you it’s not my decision if it were up to me we would still be friends) and I sort of dated while I was in law school [yeh I know, I keep my stuff quiet and no one knows who I date etc and no she is not a law student] any way this particular young lady engages in sexual congress with a friend of mine and had the audacity to call me during said activity. Needless to say I was PISSED, but whatever I let that slide, and we remained friends. Then there of course came the usual back and forth because let’s be honest I am not the easiest friend to have, not meaning to get peeps mad I can with ease. Anyway back to the chica, so on her terms we stopped talking for a couple of months because she needed time away from me (perfectly understandable because I am hard to take [wanted to put swallow here but seemed like bad context])

Then once I had perfectly adjusted to the new state of my life, school, work chill, drink with the crew, I got a late night call…and had an incident similar to the type that occurred almost a year ago, I am too lazy to go find it and link it but long time readers will remember my driving to some chics home only to have her new bf who I knew nothing about accost me on the steps for ‘a talk’ so anyway my response on the phone (no I didn’t go over – and no SA I did the right thing by not going) was hey it’s cool to hear from you but you can’t expect me to just show up at your beck and call. But at least we are back to talking.

My birthday rolled around and being the dope that I am, and the spread joy type I invited her to come out to the club (great night by the way – if you weren’t there that’s your fault). After all she had always told me how important birthdays were to her and how they are something that must always be celebrated etc. Hmm, I guess I must have misunderstood that, because not only was my invitation rejected, I was ignored for the entire month and informed later that she was too busy hooking up with some dude, because being around me was not good for her so it was best that I get punked in order for her to move on.

Cot damn even then we remained friends though by this point, one would have to say it’s a loose term then of course there was tonight (I have bypassed stuff like her telling her friends I am a dick [true] and her friends consoling her with the [“He ain’t any good crap”] funny I didn’t know we were dating anymore! And her having a friend call me late one night to deliver a message, that she should have delivered herself) while I should be studying I had to get the “We should not be friends” crappy line and then the projected and I will cut it from my text message so I do not post the wrong thing “…you think I am lacking in character. Why would you even want to associate with that” That was in response to my saying what was done re my birthday was messed up, and now I have to think maybe she is right, why should I want to associate with that? Maybe cause I am a sucker for friends.

YES SADLY IF SHE WANTS I WILL STILL TAKE HER BACK AS A FRIEND. Because in my mind, it’s the ability to forgive that often makes peeps the best of friends…this quality doesn’t work for other relationships so don’t try this with me if u r my gf or wife.

If you need a study break

Somewhat funny Azn Karaoke video. Pay attn 2 da girl on da rt. Credit to Kendra for somehow finding this vid.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Great music video!

Damn the Korn video for Twisted Transistor is damn funny: using Snoop, Lil John, David Banner and Xzibit as the band members in a video shoot is genius.

The Defending Rose Bowl Champs ARE BACK!

So of course I had to use a picture of burnt orange roses after all half the peeps in the stands at Reliant stadium were waving burnt orange roses. Now I aint saying USC is not #1, but the Longhorns are coming, coming. If you are betting on the game, make sure to bet the over because this year’s Rose Bowl might set records. MGM currently has USC as 6 ½ favorites over UT, that sounds about right, they are the defending champs and #1 in the nation. Vegas has been pretty damn good with the lines this year: They are in it to make money after all.

So let’s see the games ended 70-3 UT over CO and 66-19 USC over UCLA…so we know they can both score and their D’s stepped up when necessary. I do love pointing out though that the difference in our game is more than USC scored in theirs, but yeah they did play a ranked squad and we didn’t. January 4th will be a great day, wherever you are find a TV set…even you Sand Assassin.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Well it’s that time of the year...

  • I begin to wonder just when I will fly to the island of my birth

  • Career services gets worked in motions (A new addition this year but will prolly happen again)

  • Notes start getting traded at a feverish pitch

  • And my body fails me: Last night I slept for 8 STRAIGHT hours…for those who don’t know me that might not seem that impressive, but those who know will be shocked. This is the first time in over a year that I have been able to sleep for 8 hours straight…even on sleeping pills I usually wake up at 2-3 hour intervals, which I am sure would be hell on a sleeping partner if I had one…(allow me a moment to lament the sorry state of my life, 1,2,3…damn) I should be with you, why girl why? Oh wait I digress, plus none of you will know who that is for etc or if it’s for you, hell I don’t even know who it is for…I need to steady the ship that is my life. So I fell asleep and slept almost comatose for 8 hours I didn’t even dream which for me is unusual cause damn I have freaky dreams every night (not freaky like – I am having sex with one girl and then her sister jumps in to join us and jiggle body parts and right at the moment of the roller coaster cresting the hill her mom jumps in with the video camera crew to surprise the daughter that she made it on ‘pimp my ride’ and I roll over and make the mistake of saying to the sisters “Damn your mom is fine” but it all works out because it’s a dream so the mom joins us and MTV keeps filming because my stroke is so good that I look like a porn star in the video and it makes me famous because at the crucial moment just before climax I grab hold of the mom and 2 daughters (it’s a dream you can hold multiple peeps with 2 hands) and scream “Come on, feel it, feel it” and ‘Good Vibrations’ plays out as we all lay back in the cut with satisfied looks on our faces – not freaky like that) about cars and stuff. I slept well because my new pharmaceutical of choice promotes wakefulness in the day time so I was active for so long almost 40 hours that my body finally said “It’s time to sleep”

  • The library begins to become packed

  • The smells in the LRC begin to intensify, seriously peeps just cause you are studying is no excuse to abandon personal hygiene

  • I stop working out and let the beer belly completely win for a couple weeks

  • X…becomes scary to approach in person

  • The muscles on my back begin to tighten because of exam stress (oh and believe me there are muscles there, it just looks like there are none)


  • GO HORNS GO! I am sorry for Colorado tomorrow…

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Your diploma!

Time is closing fast on the deadline to submit your name (the way you want it) for a diploma for the upcoming graduations.

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About Me

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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.