Infrequently updated consistently funny

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sooooo uhmm thanks for giving me attitude when I called you while I was stumbling around Hermosa Beach

It has been a long day. Another awesome 6 man tourney another year where I have seen zero games. But I called my ex while I was on my cane and lugging luggage through the streets of HB and received statitude. I would have felt bad for the fact that I woke her up except she was immediately hostile to me...I do not get it. I guess I am still the idiot for thinking we can be peaceful

WATCHING YOUR older friends flirt on facebook is like seeing your parents kiss, yes there is nothing inherently wrong with it, but it just does NOT LOOK know who you are!

Hey chica, fight it all u want...everyone succombs

Monday, July 25, 2011

I slapped people with a cutlass...never beheaded a man - did not think that would be a 'thing'

Ok this is a short one, cause my heart hurts for my people.
A gang back home has started doing BEHEADINGS, yes that had to be capitalized the dog-heart bastards have made this a thing! The level of depravity to do something like that shocks me. It shocks me when it is done as part of religious fanaticism but it shocks me more when it is done to send a bloody message (at least with the religion I sigh and chalk it up to people can be convinced to do anything in the name of God/Allah/Buddha/Love)

Jamaica has had 4 beheadings in 5 days...let that sink in...still with me? Not 1 in the last 5 days, not 2 spread out over 5 days no 4 in 5. Look I hate writing bad things about back home, we thrive on tourism so to be fair I often gloss over any violence especially since violence touches the tourist areas so infrequently as to make a statement like "Tourists are NEVER touched in Jamaica" be as close to a true statement as water is wet. So while this does not affect the tourists, it affects MY people and it hurts me. Fourth death article

For now we should be grateful that American news media has not latched on to this (small comfort) but if we do not eradicate them dog heart fassy dem we will soon be looking at Fox news slamming us for our lawless state.

When I was a kid, we had tonnes of fruit trees in our property, in fanciful American real estate puffery it would have been listed as an orchard to drive up property value, for us it was known as the "Mango, cashew, banana, avocado, guava, guinep trees weh mi haffi rake up di leaf dem". But because of this bounty, thieves would often step into our yard despite the presence of viscous guard dogs and a fearsome 5 ft 2 inch skinny black kid weighing about 85lbs and holding a cutlass. I wish I had a picture of the time when I stood under the mango tree surrounded by 7 German Shepherds holding a rusty cutlass yelling up into the center at a thief who was begging me to 'tek the dog dem weh man so mi cyan climb down the damn tree and leff'' while I with my voice cracking yelled back 'fling down di bag a mango and mi will let u leff' (as a kid I always thought patois made me sound more intimidating...really should have realized the 7 dogs [less the cutlass] did that for me).

The dogs were wonderfully trained and would actually listen to me (I cooked them their food after all [outside with them waiting], they knew not to bite the hand that fed them...literally). I told them to sit and they would sit. So the guy in the tree saw me tell them to sit starts to climb down and I did the only practical vigilante justice thing someone holding a cutlass and in the presence of someone who wanted to rob them would do...I SWUNG. But because I am not some insane thug or someone who wants to ever actually maim another I hit him flush with the flat side of the cutlass across the buttocks and lower back. Which of course caused him to lose his grip on the tree, yelp and fall to the ground. Problem for him was that reanimated the dogs so back up the tree he scampered. Short form of the story, he stayed up there an hour while I stayed under the tree till my mom came home and she finally made me lock up the dogs while the dutty boy ran fi him life.

I tell you that story because it is funny and illustrative; just because I had an instrument of death did not mean I had to use it as such, I merely taught the man a lesson, I never saw it as something to remove a body part. No matter how mad at thieves I was, I never swung my cutlass to cut, but these guys are wilfully going into situations to remove body parts...Lawd I pray fi mi country tek care a all a wi!


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Cali-J ueber alles in der Welt. Some think that I am mean; (I call them friends), in fact I am not that mean. What I am is sarcastic and dry to the sandpaper level. I have friends that I have never said a kind word to their face, but I praise to the ends of the earth to anyone I know and will defend them to the end. That’s just how I roll! My boys know that I am down for them, my girls know that no matter what I will keep them safe (and occasionally flirt with them [If you are a female friend of mine and think I haven’t flirted with you it just means you didn’t notice, it was extremely subtle or…not yet ]). No one is safe from my sarcasm even my own parents; hence of course as a kid I spent a significant amount of time in punishment. I treat people with respect if I think they deserve it – everyone starts off with the same amount of respect from me (a lot). You don’t need to earn my respect; you have to keep my respect.